It turns out that the ladies Down Under were curious about what Rip van Dinkle was hiding down under, so in 2013 he wrote this confessional for Australia’s Women’s Health & Fitness magazine. Click on any page (maybe twice, depending on your browser) for a magnified view.
The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by pubicly publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.
So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?
Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?
Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?
(Click on pictures for a larger view)
Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:
“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”
Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.
Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.
Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.
“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here)and Alicia (click here), too.”
From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:
On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.
August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:
“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”
Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”
Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:
The Practical Joke
Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).
Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.
“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”
Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:
Kevyn Burger: “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”
Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)
KB: “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”
KB: “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”
Gal Pals: “Yes!”
Gal Pal 2: “I just about died.”
KB: “He looks pretty proud.”
Gal Pal 2: “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”
KB: “And nothing else!”
Gal Pal 1: “And nothing else.”
Gal Pal 2: “Just his birthday suit.”
KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”
Gal Pal 2: “We see everything else.” (laughter)
Gal Pal 1: “I think we can see the identifying marks.”
Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:
Rip was interviewed by “Simone” (not her real name, above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.
Simone got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.
About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.
“How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.
Simone told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:
“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’”
Simone went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:
“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Simone said.
Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:
Simone continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”
Says Rip: “That little girl (“Simone”) gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when I heard her comment on the podcast about getting balled — a lot.” (Scroll down for the audio clip.)
Simone’s podcast comment:
For the deaf or hard-of-hearing, here’s a transcript:
“For me personally, I’m someone who’s fucked a lot of people right away.”
Says Rip: “She’s an aspiring actress. I’d imagine there are low-budget producers in Hollywood who would be interested in a girl who will ‘do the deed’ with guys she’s just met. You know, like other actors.
“Maybe we could co-star in a remake of I Spit on Your Grave. She’d play the girl who gets gang-banged in the woods. I’d play the mentally challenged dude with a tiny cock who also gets a piece. Oh, and it would be unsimulated sex, of course!”
Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”
Below, Nicoletta (left) and Simone (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.
“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?”
“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”
“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”
“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”
One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.
Listen to the full podcast below:
Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:
Marlena: “How many women have you had sex with?”
“Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?”
“How wide is your penis?”
“Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?”
“How does having a small penis affect your life?”
Rip: “Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.”
Marlena: “I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.”
Marlena: “Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?”
Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.
Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.
Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.
After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.
“I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick
“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook
You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone
Photo (Shop) Fun!
Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view
Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize