Using the pseudonym “J.D. Hawkens” (long story), Rip van Dinkle penned the following article for Maxim about the inaugural Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in 2013:
© 2010-2023 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
(Click on any picture for a larger view)
We were curious about the backstage antics at Brooklyn’s annual small-penis pageant, and so we turned to two-time contestant Rip van Dinkle (above, at the 2015 contest) for some answers to our questions – and we had quite a few of them. Who, for example, is allowed in the contestants’ dressing room? Do participants suffer from pre-pageant jitters, or from the sudden realization that one’s penis will soon be on display for hundreds of boisterous women? Does Rip have bedroom fantasies about the women who saw (and judged) him in his birthday suit?
Grouchy Editor – Tell us about the scene in your dressing area before the pageants. Are women allowed in there?
Rip Van Dinkle – Oh, man, aside from the contestants, it’s all women backstage. Some of them are supposed to be there, like the pageant organizers and media people who are there for interviews. But there are some people who just wander in, with no real reason for being there except, I suppose, to ogle us. But there were also a few naked women backstage. In the first pageant, “Cherry Pitz” [Editor’s note: burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman] was in the show, and she stripped down to a black thong – and nothing up top – right in front of me. I believe she was 49 at the time, and married, and looking hot. There was also a female musician parading around topless during the pageant this year.
One of the judges, Kate Hakala, kept walking into the room while we were dressing. She had no real reason to be down there, other than to check us out in the nude, I guess. I read the story she wrote about judging the pageant, and it seemed like she was very much on the prowl for small dicks. I guess she decided to see more of us than she was seeing on the stage.
GE – Tell us about the media. It reminds us of female reporters in the men’s locker room at professional sporting events, which was quite controversial.
RVD – They say you have to be brassy to be a good reporter, and that was certainly true of the ballsy bunch I saw in the dressing area. A reporter from Gawker [Editor’s note: Victor Jeffreys II], one of the few male reporters, drew me aside to ask questions. At some point, I glanced down and saw that he was holding his cell-phone camera in front of my groin; he’d been taking close-up pictures during the interview. That kind of pissed me off, but he certainly got what he wanted. I checked out his story in Gawker and there were all these shots of my junk in huge close-up, including shots he took later when the judges were measuring our cocks on stage.
Gawker published these intimate pictures of Rip submitting to penis-measurements by judges Cyndi Freeman, left, and Aimee Arciuolo, center. At right, one of Jeffreys’ surreptitious crotch shots.
A female photographer at the first pageant spotted me sitting alone, drinking a Coke, and asked if she could take pictures. I said sure and brushed my hair a bit, but that was unnecessary because she wasn’t interested in my hair. She just kind of leaned over and stuck her camera between my thighs and began taking pictures. I should mention that I wasn’t completely naked; I was wearing one of those tuxedo thongs. But she and the Gawker guy were there to get pictures of our genitals and by God that’s what they got.
GE – You mentioned the foreign press …
RVD – Oh yes. There was this gorgeous reporter from Brazil, Anna something [Editor’s note: Anna Gabriela Ribeiro], and she came up to ask me questions. One thing almost every interviewer asks me is, “How small is your penis?” She didn’t ask me that, which I thought was kind of odd until I realized what I was wearing. We didn’t have mirrors to look at ourselves backstage, and this was our first costume, which I thought covered us up. I was wrong. It was black underwear but with a see-thru patch right over the genitals, so this girl had a clear view of my twig and berries, dangling just inches below her notepad. She would have no trouble describing my shortcomings for her readers. It might also have explained the smile on her face while she was interviewing me. She also took pictures during the show. Several of them popped up on Spanish-language Web sites.
Ribeiro and what she saw while interviewing Rip
GE – OK, enough about journalists. Who else was in the dressing room?
RVD – At both pageants, Aimee Arciuolo was there helping us adjust our costumes. She was the creator of the pageant and had a hand in designing the costumes. She wanted us as exposed as possible, and told me before the first pageant that our underwear would be as transparent as plastic wrap. For the 2015 pageant, Bobbie Chaset pretty much took over managing duties, so she was always around. Legally, we weren’t supposed to get completely naked during the show, but I discussed flashing the audience with Bobbie beforehand and she encouraged me to do it. So I did.
GE – Anyone else backstage?
RVD – There were the “penis kittens,” of course. They had various duties, but mostly they just had to look cute. Some of them, I think, used Super Soakers to wet our crotches before the penis measuring.
“Penis Kittens” from left to right: Racheal, Audrey, Amanda
GE – We should come clean here. We really aren’t interested in hearing any more about your experiences at the pageant. What we really wanted to do was find an excuse to run pictures of some of the good-looking women associated with the contest. We wanted to turn the tables on some of the females who ogled you guys. We’d love your comments on these pictures.
RVD – Excellent. Let’s do it.
GE – We’d also like you to give us a favorite sex fantasy about each of them.
RVD – That sounds sexist. Count me in.
“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” – Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet, New York Post
The Leering Ladies
Pageant creator/manager/judge Aimee Arciuolo
RVD – Aimee has a great rack and nice legs. I guess she could relate to us guys in the pageant since she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, herself. Until I saw these pictures, I had no idea she let her tits hang out in public. Great-looking tits, blue or any other color.
Aimee told Gothamist that she and her friends discussed ways to make us get erections during the pageant, I suppose so they could measure us limp-dicked and also with boners. Aimee really wanted to give the females in the bar a good show. She was upset that a city ordinance wouldn’t let us show cock, so she and her mother designed “penis tuxedoes” so that our balls hung out for all to see.
But I was game for anything at the pageant. If Aimee had said to me, “Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?” I would have said to her, “Yes, ma’am. If that’s what you want, no problem.” Humiliating, I suppose, but I’m sure she would have loved that.
“If Aimee had said to me, ‘Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?’ I would have said to her, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”
Rip: “For a woman who claims to favor small dicks, Aimee looks pretty pleased to see Flo Rida’s big pecker.”
RVD – These screen caps and the video below are from the first pageant. A guy calling himself Flo Rida broke the rules and flashed his dick. I’m pretty sure this kind of rule-breaking pleased Aimee, even though she acts shocked in these pictures.
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: She’s kind of a show-off, so I’d love to do her doggie-style on stage. At a biker bar. Hey – remember, this is the girl who put me through the indignity of measuring my penis on stage in front of a bar full of women. With cameras.
In the video above, Cyndi (big wig) and Aimee measure little manhoods on stage. Rip is the contestant in the middle.
Bartender/manager Bobbie Chaset
Rip is interviewed by Rolling Stone while Bobbie Chaset, right, looks on
RVD – These pictures surprise me. They must be some years old. I thought Bobbie was too reserved to dress in such a sexy costume and in such “fuck me” poses. Also, are those panties see-thru? Looks to me like some pussy hair poking through, but that could be my wishful thinking.
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Those pictures remind me of bondage. It would be fun to tie her up, put a gag in her mouth, and do her on stage. At a biker bar.
Journalist Anna Gabriela Ribeiro
RVD – After she interviewed me, she took a bunch of pictures during the contest. They were published on South American Web sites, but I noticed my crotch was “black barred” in them.
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Probably we’d do a scene for a Brazilian porno flick. Does Brazil have porno flicks?
“Penis Kittens” Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk, Racheal Selles-Czuk
Left to right: Racheal Selles-Czuk, Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk
RVD – Honestly, I’m not sure what they did. I believe they were supposed to hose our crotches with Super Soakers, but it was too chaotic to notice who was squirting what. Cute girls, though. Look at Amanda – doesn’t she look like some glamorous 1940s film star?
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Racheal and Audrey are sisters, so of course we’d have a threesome. Amanda has kind of that classic, movie-star look, so I’d do her classic missionary-style. At a biker bar.
Burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman
RVD – Looks pretty good for 50, doesn’t she? I guess she has a very understanding husband, since she spends so much time parading around half-naked in front of other men. She struck me as one horny lady. During the second pageant, which I did not attend, she basically dry humped a contestant who, from the look of the pictures, was wearing only a shirt – no underwear. In other words, Cyndi in her thong grinding pussy against his genitals. [Editor’s note: See GIF at bottom] She also seems to enjoy eyeballing Flo Rida’s big prick in the pictures [above and below]. And she was one of the judges who measured my manhood on stage.
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: I think she’s kinky, so I’d have her down on her knees, giving me head while her husband watches. By the way, Cyndi once did a soft-core TV show for Showtime. It has Cyndi tits, Cyndi ass, Cyndi getting groped and fucked by a sleazy dude – check it out.
Gawker reporter Victor Jeffreys II
RVD – Annoying dude, but he was there for dick pics and he got them – especially mine. [Editor’s note: That’s Jeffreys below the yellow arrow in the picture, watching Dinkle get measured.]
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Go fuck yourself. Although there is a scene in Deliverance that comes to mind.
Judges Natalie Shure, Kate Hakala, Krystyna Hutchinson
Left to right, judges Shure, Hakala, Hutchinson
RVD – The brunette, Krystyna Hutchinson, was super hot. The other brunette in the glasses looks hot in her picture, but what you can’t tell from it is that she is a very big girl. Big everywhere. Not my cup of tea. The last judge, Kate Hakala, wrote an article for Mic and bragged about having “evaluated cock constantly.” I guess now she can add mine to her checklist.
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Krystyna, anal sex. Natalie, boob sex. Kate, I’d have to see how she evaluated my cock on her list.
The 2015 judges were unimpressed by Rip’s puny pecker, pictured above. After finishing in second place at the 2013 pageant, Rip and his (normally) 1.5-inch penis experienced shrinkage, demoted to fourth place by the prick-analyzing female judges.
Gothamist photographer Melanie Rieders
Rieders enjoys hanging with big dicks (far right) as well as wee ones
RVD – This girl Melanie probably captured the most explicit shot of my wiener (below). I was surprised to see it posted on Gothamist, which is a fairly mainstream Web site, because her photo doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. From the stage, I didn’t notice her, but she must have been in the front row and prepared for my flash, because I didn’t have my bathrobe open for more than a few seconds.
Photo by Melanie Rieders
Rieders in the crowd, moments after capturing a shot of Rip’s dick
Rip’s Sex Fantasy: I looked her up on the Web and discovered a bikini shot of her (below). My God, does she have a humpable, pumpable little ass, or what? I’m thinking I’d do her doggie-style, right there on that raft. Guys like me aren’t built for big-bottomed girls, because we have to make it past all that butt cheek, but Melanie’s perky bubble butt? I’m thinking I could squeeze into that.
Cyndi Freeman, aka Cherry Pitz, dry humps a bare-bottomed contestant
© 2010-2023 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
Sex sells. It can also ruffle feathers. On the rare occasions that The Grouch gets feedback from the subjects of his articles, the reaction runs the gamut from happy campers to not-so-happy campers. The following is selected feedback from a few sort-of, kind-of, semi-celebrities. (Click on any picture for a larger image.)
Happy Camper: Deborah Voorhees
When The Grouch wrote about a brief encounter he had 25 years ago with sexy starlet Deborah Voorhees (aka Deborah Bradley, aka Debisue Voorhees), the star of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning could not have been more gracious. Grouch found Deborah on Facebook and told her that he had written a “guilty pleasure” post about his meeting with her in Texas, circa 1990, and said that he intended to mention her famous nude scene in Friday – an exposure that cost her a post-acting job as a teacher.
Her messages to Grouch, before and after reading the article:
Below, screen captures from 1985’s Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. These topless, bottomless views of Deborah cemented her standing as every red-blooded American male’s favorite victim of Jason.
Unhappy Camper: She Who Must Not Be Named
When The Grouch published a review of Imbued that included shots of She Who Must Not Be Named in her birthday suit, the brunette hottie found out about it and, well, see her e-mail requests below.
In the picture above, She Who Must Not Be Named does not look particularly thrilled to be taking instructions from director Rob Nilsson, who might have been asking her to lose the dress for the nude scenes pictured below.
Oh, please. You took off your clothes for a movie that, presumably, you hoped as many people as possible would see. And then you object when screen captures of your booty pop up on the Internet?
Mostly Happy Camper: “Dutch”
Grouch discovered a YouTube channel called “Horrible Reviews” and was so amused that he wrote about its creator, a funny fellow known to us as “Dutch” (above). Dutch liked the Grouch’s story:
Unfortunately for The Grouch, Dutch has 95,000 extremely loyal followers, and some of them reacted to Grouch’s story the way Trump fans react when you attack Trump.
Last But Certainly Least: Rip van Dinkle
Small-penis pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle, subject of two stories (here and here), responded by sending The Grouch two holiday cards featuring his bearded self with Minneapolis news personalities Liz Collin (the blonde) and Natalie Nyhus. The cards are at the top of this page and the third picture below this paragraph. It’s just a hunch, but we’re guessing that Photoshop might have been involved ….
© 2010-2023 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
A candid conversation with the small-penis hero about pageants that exploit the male body, Brazilian female reporters, and seeing pictures of your junk all over the Internet.
. Photo by Melanie Rieders Photo by Lauren Spinelli Photo: The Village Voice
When a small dive in Brooklyn announced plans in 2013 to produce the world’s first beauty pageant for men with small dicks, the public’s reaction was barely noticeable. Two years and three pageants later, media and the populace continue to be underwhelmed, save for a brief period in the summer during which Internet trolls seize the opportunity to send snarky links about pageant registration to ex-boyfriends and other enemies, along with directions to Kings County Saloon in Brooklyn.
Perverts and people bored out of their minds eventually took notice of the men who enter these absurd contests, and we recently caught up with one of those men, two-time contestant (2013, 2015) Rip van Dinkle. Although van Dinkle didn’t win The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn crown (he placed second at the inaugural pageant), worldwide Internet coverage of the event have led many females to view him as the quintessential “short-dick man.”
We sent an intern to interview van Dinkle, mostly because no one else wanted the job. Our intern reports: “Van Dinkle in person is much as you might expect: disheveled, perverse, and lazy. He’s an unapologetic dirty old man. After inviting me into his cruddy one-bedroom apartment in a Minneapolis suburb, he insisted that we watch back-to-back episodes of his favorite TV show, Schitt’s Creek, before commencing the interview.”
“In Brooklyn, they do the man’s smallest package competition – and I’m not saying that’s ugly, I’m just saying that’s different.” — Joanne Nosuchinsky on “Red Eye.”
PLAYBOY: Before we get started, I’d like to agree on a few ground rules. For example, we’ll be talking a lot about the penis, specifically your penis, and I just wondered which term you’d prefer to use. For example, “penis,” “sex organ,” “phallus,” “pecker,” and so on.
DINKLE: Sounds good. I enjoy them all.
PLAYBOY: OK. I’m sure you’ve noticed there are pictures of your penis on the Internet. Most men might not feel flattered by these pictures, especially since your sex organ appears to be the size of a Vienna sausage. In Web site comments about your penis, it’s been described as “puny,” which our dictionary defines as “small and weak; not very large, impressive, or effective.” Women’s magazine Cosmopolitan called you and your fellow contestants the “anti-Jon Hamms.” The clear implication is: “small penis equals sexually undesirable.” They are attacking your virility and suggesting that you are lacking below the belt. Your thoughts?
DINKLE: I may not know much, but I know not to argue with Webster’s dictionary or Cosmopolitan magazine.
PLAYBOY: Moving on … critics have complained about the proliferation of penis pictures on the Internet, arguing that this kind of thing is not something America’s girls should be exposed to, and that no good can come of it.
DINKLE: I’ve watched Jerry Springer. I’m aware that out-of-wedlock births are a real problem in this country. If the image of my wiener burned into her brain can frighten just one American girl away from sex, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.
PLAYBOY: There was a lot of Web-site coverage of the Brooklyn pageant, including stories on mainstream sites like Jezebel, Cosmopolitan, The New York Post, The Daily Beast, Rolling Stone, Maxim, and The Village Voice. But aside from a few jokes by late-night comedians Seth Meyers and Conan O’Brien, mainstream TV seems to have ignored it. Any idea why?
DINKLE: The penis frightens network TV. The vagina does, too. I think the censors will let them say the words penis and vagina, as long as they don’t dwell on them. They did discuss our pageant on Red Eye, but that was at 3 in the morning. And Kendra Wilkinson giggled about us on her show, but who watches her show?
PLAYBOY: Yes, Kendra seemed amazed that you guys would actually show your small cocks in such a public setting. For the record, what is the size of your penis?
DINKLE: Everyone wants to know that. [Sex writer] Rachel Khona asked me that question on her podcast. A writer named Alicia asked me that for her blog. You can find my statistics on Wikipedia [Editor’s Note: his statistics were recently removed from the pageant’s Wikipedia page], but I’ll save you the trouble: flaccid, about 1.5 inches long; girth, just under 3 inches. Obviously, at times it’s bigger than that. Not that it’s any of your business. Or Wikipedia’s business.
PLAYBOY: How big are your testicles? They look small.
DINKLE: I can’t believe you asked that. How does one measure one’s balls? Weigh them? I suggest you Google my pictures on the Web and make your best guess.
“If they’d been able to get our dicks erect, they probably would have done that. Who knows, they might have even had us ejaculate on stage.”
PLAYBOY: Judging from their comments and tweets, it seems that some famous women have seen pictures of your junk, or at least read about the pageant. Women like Miley Cyrus, Joanne Nosuchinsky, and Kendra Wilkinson all discussed the contest. Have you heard from any of them?
DINKLE: Certainly not, but I’m sure that after this interview goes out, my phone will be ringing off the hook. And yes, I still have a phone on a hook.
PLAYBOY: You don’t think most female interest is of a mocking nature?
DINKLE: Can’t imagine why.
PLAYBOY: So you don’t feel exploited by the women who run the pageant, or by the ensuing media coverage? For example, the blogger you mentioned earlier, Alicia, posted a high-resolution, huge picture of your nubbin and also published personal information about you, including admissions you made about your sexual shortcomings. Khona said on her podcast that she would never consider sleeping with a “small” man and then asked you about the size of your “small penis.” The photographers who captured explicit shots of your male organs for sites like Time Out New York and Gothamist were young women. They had no qualms about exposing your genitals on the Internet. Schoolgirls are mocking your “manhood.” Doesn’t it seem like they are all laughing at your expense?
DINKLE: Could be. But hey, a good laugh is hard to come by these days. Someone suggested that the whole point of the pageant is the revenge of feminists, who are tired of wet t-shirt contests and titty bars: “We’re gonna exploit you guys,” they say, “but we’re not gonna celebrate your body, we’re gonna laugh at it.” Now, the ladies who created this pageant will deny that kind of mean-spirited motivation, but sometimes I wonder …. This interview is boring. Let’s watch some more Creek.
[Editor’s Note: 30-minute pause here to watch an episode of Schitt’s Creek.]
PLAYBOY: It remains a mystery to a lot of people why anyone would participate in this pageant, which they see as humiliating, degrading. It doesn’t seem likely that men enter for the money, which is just $500. What did you get out of it?
DINKLE: Well, it’s true that the pageant isn’t as good as sex, but it is kind of a sex fantasy – at least if you have any exhibitionist in you. It’s hundreds of young women at the bar – possibly millions of girls when you count Internet views – having a look-see at your package and then having that image planted in their memory. Now, that image might repulse them, or it might attract them, but it will make some of them think about having sex with you and your little penis, so in that sense you’re kind of mind-fucking them. That’s a turn-on.
PLAYBOY: Sounds suspiciously like masturbation fodder to us.
DINKLE: Good point. If you are an attractive woman and you giggled at or talked about my little penis, there’s a good chance I’ve masturbated about you. Hey, it’s only fair.
It’s a win-win-lose situation. I win because I get to show my junk to so many women. Women win because they get to laugh at my pin-dick, and then share that fun with girlfriends. The only losers are other males who feel threatened by the whole idea. They see the contest as a ceding of sexual power by men to women, and they worry that women might also laugh at their dicks. Actually, let me expand that to a win-win-lose-lose situation, because another loser is the male from other cultures, especially Third World cultures. It drives them nuts to see these laughing American women publicly degrading men like me.
But mostly, I entered the thing because I thought it was funny, absurd, and subversive, and I love funny, absurd, and subversive.
“Rip van Dinkle actually had the gall to flash his silver bush-covered dagger in front of the crowd—prompting the young woman in front of me to recoil and whisper to her friend, ‘I can’t believe that just happened,’ even though this is the Smallest Penis Pageant.” — The Daily Beast
PLAYBOY: You mentioned the women who created The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. Tell us about them.
DINKLE: What is this “us” business? It’s just you and me here.
PLAYBOY: I’m speaking for the magazine.
DINKLE: I see. Like Bill O’Reilly doesn’t speak for himself, he speaks for The Factor. Gotcha. What were you asking me?
PLAYBOY: We — I was asking about the women behind the pageant. Did you sleep with any of them, or any of the female judges, to gain points in the pageant?
DINKLE: Ha ha. There are some real hotties behind the scenes. Too bad I didn’t sleep with them. They call Bobbie Chaset the pageant “dick wrangler,” can’t imagine why. I told her I was upset that in the first two pageants, the only guys who actually flashed the audience were two dudes with average-size dicks. I thought that defeated the purpose of a small-penis pageant, and Bobbie agreed with me. I told her that I would flash the audience this year, and she encouraged me. She also had to deal with Brooklyn police, who threatened to disrupt the contest.
Aimee Arciuolo, who came up with the idea, is a red-headed hottie with legs that stretch to Tallahassee. She told me, “You have a nice ass” while she was helping me adjust my skimpy costume. She did not tell me what she thought of my pecker, although she finger-brushed it when she was measuring me on stage in the first pageant.
PLAYBOY: All of the media stories, most of them written by women, go into detail about the contestants’ small organs, but a number of them singled out you and your shortcomings. Some examples: Erin Calabrese of The New York Post wrote, “Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” Khona grilled you about “your small penis.” The Village Voice published a full-frontal photo of you on stage with the caption, “Rip van Dinkle shows off his small penis.” Misty Greene, a blogger, posted pictures of your member, describing it as a “shriveled, skinny flap of skin he calls a penis,” and wrote that “it’s another game when you get up on stage in front of the media and make an ass of yourself and your ‘manhood.’” On the Web site CaféMom, female readers posted pictures of your testicles and had this exchange: “Where are his balls!?” “Sadly, probably inside the meat hammock.” “HAHA!” Many of these women seem to derive glee from pointing out the puniness of your sex organs.
DINKLE: I suppose some of them just think it’s funny. I’m sure others relish the opportunity to turn the tables on men, to judge and belittle us for our inadequate bodies the way we’ve judged and belittled them.
PLAYBOY: In the 2013 contest, female judges went so far as to actually measure the lengths of your dicks in front of cheering, hooting, picture-taking women. There is a picture on Wikipedia of you getting your prick measured [Editor’s Note: the picture was recently removed from the pageant’s Wikipedia page], which reminded us of Ken Norton having his package evaluated by a slave-buying woman in the movie, Mandingo. We’re guessing that the woman in Mandingo and Arciuolo, who is measuring your member in the Wikipedia picture, got wildly different results. Tell us about that measuring – was it humiliating?
DINKLE: It did catch me off guard; I had no idea they were going to do that. I was standing on the bar and I felt someone’s finger touching my dick. I looked down and there was the judge, pressing a retractable ruler alongside my penis. I think it was Aimee, although it might have been Cyndi Freeman, the other judge who also measured me. But like I said, it came out of the blue so I didn’t really have time to feel “humiliated.” Surprised would be a better word. I will say that in the Internet photos, it does look kind of degrading.
PLAYBOY: In researching this interview – and yes, we actually did some research – we discovered that the pageant organizers considered more than just measuring you guys. Arciuolo told Gothamist that they contemplated ways to cause you to get erections on stage, but dropped the idea because they “‘couldn’t figure out a way to get them to grow’ in any reasonable or legal capacity.” That strikes us as deliberate humiliation, turning your sex organs into playthings for the crowd’s amusement.
DINKLE: Tough to get a hard-on in that situation. It was fun, but not particularly erotic to be standing on that bar with my pickle measured in front of a noisy crowd. On the other hand, if Aimee was seeking erections, she damned near got one from me before the show, upstairs in the dressing room, when she was on her knees in front of me, adjusting my sheer loincloth and looking directly at my package. If she’d been down there much longer, I might have poked her eye out – and I don’t mean with my finger.
Aimee said in interviews that the pageant was dreamed up by her and girlfriends, so I’m guessing that when they planned it, she told them she’d damn well measure our wieners. And so she damn well did. I don’t believe the pageant was really for our benefit; I think it was designed to entertain females in the audience, and if they’d been able to get our dicks erect, they probably would have done that. Who knows, they might have even had us ejaculate on stage. The other contestants and I were really, to paraphrase Alfred Hitchcock, just cattle in Aimee and Bobbie’s show.
PLAYBOY: You were the only contestant at the most recent pageant to intentionally flash the audience. Why did you decide to do that?
“Rip van Dinkle kicked things off … once again flashing the shocked audience.” — The Daily Beast
DINKLE: Didn’t I already answer this question? I told Bobbie that if I paid money to attend a small-penis pageant, I’d feel cheated if the only dicks I saw were big ones, or average-sized ones, which is what happened in the first two pageants. I told Bobbie that I thought I should give the crowd what they wanted, which was an unfiltered look at small cock, and she agreed with me.
PLAYBOY: The contestants have been a diverse group; this year, there were two blacks, two whites, and an Asian dude. Interestingly, no Latin men. The crowd also seemed multicultural: black girls, white girls, Asian girls, most of them college age. You are not exactly “college age.” Did you feel old on stage?
DINKLE: Oh, sure. I can just imagine these girls describing the pageant to their friends afterwards: “One of them was old enough he could be my dad’s friend. Or my grandpa’s friend. So gross. He was totally buck naked — look, I have pictures of his little pee-pee!”
PLAYBOY: Has your fame, or rather infamy, spread to your home state of Minnesota?
DINKLE: Not that I’ve noticed. Some local news anchors were at an event and I gave them business cards with information about the pageant, but I never heard back from them. They did, however, pose for pictures with me. Years ago, I was at a happy hour with a woman I worked with, the stunning Sarah Wasem, and we were all discussing Bart Simpson’s “nude scene” in The Simpsons Movie. Sarah asked, “Did they show his little pee-pee?” So Sarah, if you’re reading this, yes, I was in The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, and yes, they showed my little pee-pee. You can Google the pictures.
“Did they show his little pee-pee?” Sarah Wasem, above center, asking Rip about Bart’s exposure, above right, in The Simpsons Movie. Little did Sarah know that Rip would one day show his little pee-pee on a Brooklyn stage, above left.
But so far, I haven’t gotten any comments. On the other hand, I might get recognized in South America, France, or Asia, because this little pageant gets Internet coverage everywhere.
PLAYBOY: Have foreign journalists contacted you?
DINKLE: I didn’t win, so no. One cutie who said she was a reporter from Brazil approached me backstage. She interviewed me and took notes while her friend, also female, recorded me with an iPhone. I had to wonder what this Brazilian reporter was thinking. Something like: “Here’s a foolish American male with his little noodle dangling out in front of me. I am going to have fun writing about it for my Latin readers. Foolish American male.”
I told her that Brazilian women were gorgeous, which she seemed to like. She asked if women had ever commented about my small penis, which was interesting because I was wearing see-through shorts and she hadn’t commented about my small penis. I gave some reply about how women won’t tell men something like that to their face; instead, they’ll gossip about dick size with their girlfriends. When I read her story, the English translation was garbled and hilarious. She also kept pressing me for my real name, which I wasn’t prepared to give out.
She also took pictures during the pageant. There is one shot of me that ran with her story in which my crotch has a black box pasted over it. You tell me – if you are doing a story with pictures about a small-penis pageant, would you cover up the small penis? There is another shot of me, stolen from The Village Voice, that appears on a German site with my dick pixilated. Pretty silly, since you can still see the shape and size through the pixels.
[Editor’s Note: Here is an English translation from the Brazilian journalist’s report – “Rip Van Dinkle, for example, traveled to another state just to be part of the dispute. ‘I know that my penis is small, no one ever told me that because women are very educated, they prefer to comment on those things with her friends,’ he joked.”]
PLAYBOY: Earlier, you admitted that you fantasize about the women who’ve seen you naked. Any favorite fantasy ladies you’d care to share with us?
DINKLE: Oh, lord, I’ve probably jerked off to every woman mentioned in this interview: Aimee, Bobbie, Cyndi, Rebecca Long, Rachel Khona, Joanne Nosuchinsky, Sarah from work, those WCCO anchors — there are stains on my bedsheets for all of them.
PLAYBOY: That’s pretty disgusting.
DINKLE: Good point.
Some of them make it just too easy. Aimee, for example, described to Playboy in great detail how she gets fucked by small-dick guys, something about pillows and her bare ass. [Editor’s Note: The actual quote from Arciuolo is: “The sex involves putting pillows under the butt to help the angle. But it’s still hard to feel anything. It’s a quick smack-smack-smack-smack-smack, then the guy usually gets up and runs away in shame.”] If you don’t want other small-dick guys to masturbate about you, then don’t tell a national magazine how you got pumped by a small-dick guy.
“Women are metaphorically castrating you in print – or in the case of the pageant, on a stage – for other women’s entertainment. Don’t you agree?”
PLAYBOY: Most of the women who write derisively about you, or post explicit pictures of your nudity, are young enough to be your daughter, or even granddaughter (Dinkle is 57). They seem to have little regard for the concept of your “manhood,” and even less respect for their elders. Misty “the size vixen” posted pictures of you naked and invited readers to emasculate you in print. Blogger Alicia posted explicit pictures of you and included what she termed your “very revealing” admissions about your sexual failings. She also shared your real name with readers. In a sense, these women are metaphorically castrating you in print – or in the case of the pageant, on a stage – for other women’s entertainment. Don’t you agree?
DINKLE: Well, I think I already answered that question. I think a lot of women have had bad experiences with men, have been lied to or treated badly. When they find someone like me that they can sort of kick in the nuts, very publicly, they like that. Misty, who you mentioned, sent me a message one night that was just six words: “I want to hurt your balls.” I guess I serve as a form of therapy for these women, standing in for their fathers, bosses, ex-boyfriends, or whichever man has angered them.
PLAYBOY: You’ve been in two of the three pageants. Will you return next year?
DINKLE: Not likely. I didn’t get the feeling that the “old gang” was all that thrilled to see me this year, possibly because I keep opening my trap for interviews like this one. I also wrote articles about the pageant for Maxim.com and for a women’s magazine in Australia, which might not have pleased some people.
I’ve never really bought into the whole anti-body-shaming propaganda about the pageant, and that bothers some people. Maybe I’m too cynical, but I think the vast majority of women who pay attention to the contest aren’t there to “support the little guy,” they are there for the same reason Rachel Khona went: to laugh at small cocks. Also, I am just too damned old for this shit.
PLAYBOY: Nothing change your mind about returning for a third pageant?
DINKLE: They do have a hard time getting contestants. They advertise the hell out of the pageant, and they increased the winnings a bit this year, but they still only get about five contestants every year. In three pageants, counting returnees like me, there have been a total of 13 guys willing to compete – including out-of-staters and one guy from India. It’s not easy for them to find what they really want, which is an adult American male who will actually allow them to un-man him on stage, very publicly, showing his face and his tiny package so that American women can enjoy his diminishment.
On the other hand, if they get desperate for contestants next year, and if Aimee is willing to get down on her knees again, well ….
Rip’s Pageant Scrapbook
Small Penises Brought To You By:
Aimee Arciuolo, above left, told the press that getting balled by a man with a penis “the size of an acorn” inspired her to create The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant.
“Dick Wrangler” Bobbie Chaset, above right, is the woman charged with recruiting contestants.
For ladies unable to attend the pageant with their cell-phone cameras, professional photographers were on hand to document the proceedings for Internet exposure. Photographer Melanie Rieders, above left, captured a “money shot” of Rip for Gothamist.
Photographer Lauren Spinelli, above right, nailed a full-frontal shot of Rip for Time Out New York.
WCCO anchors (left to right) Amelia Santaniello, Lauren Casey, Liz Collin and Natalie Nyhus learned they were posing with a small-penis legend moments after these pictures were taken.
Note the similarities between Ken Norton’s public humiliation in Mandingo, right, and Rip’s public measurement by Arciuolo, left. We’re guessing there are no similarities in their penis sizes.
Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro, pictured above examining her cell phone camera, asked prying questions and took revealing pictures. Her story appeared on numerous Spanish-language Web sites.
New Yorker Misty the “size vixen,” above, was unimpressed by the pageant, and unimpressed by Rip’s package. She wrote that Rip’s nude exposure comes “at the cost of his respect as a man,” published his real name, and continued: “Nothing says to the world, ‘I am a little dick loser and proud of it,’ like entering yourself into the small-penis contest of the century. I gotta hand it to the bar owners. Something tells me that there is a woman behind all this (and there is but I am opting out of calling her out).”
Podcaster and sex writer Rachel Khona, above, grilled Rip about his small penis. Khona explained why she went to the 2014 pageant: “We came to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them off.”
Just before they interviewed Rip for their show, Khona and Abbi Stern (pictured below) shared these thoughts with their listeners:
Stern: “It’s hilarious that anybody would want to advertise they have a small penis, because I don’t know how they’re ever gonna get ass after that.”
Khona: “It’s sad. It [sex with a small penis] feels like there’s a finger in you. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s there.”
Stern: “He [Rip] probably would like you looking at photos of his tiny penis.”
After chatting with Rip, Stern called him a nice man and expressed her appreciation for his attitude about having a tiny dick:
Stern: “If you have a small penis or something, it’s better to like own it and be able to like make jokes about it … because I think if anything, other people are probably more uncomfortable with it than you are. Yeah it would suck, but if everyone was like, ‘That’s John [Rip] and his small dick’ — nobody would even bother.”
“He probably would like you looking at photos of his tiny penis.” “That’s John and his small dick.”– Abbi Stern, above
Joanne Nosuchinsky, above, explained the penis pageant to fellow panel members on Fox’s Red Eye. Here is the video:
Blogger Alicia, above left, shared the picture at right with her readers – along with embarrassing personal details about Rip and his waning virility.
. Aimee Measures Cyndi Measures
For a life-size view of what pageant judge Cyndi Freeman (aka burlesque queen Cherry Pitz), below left, came up with when she measured Rip, or what pageant judge Aimee Arciuolo, below right, came up with when she measured Rip, click on the above pictures.
“Despite commissioning this story … we are fairly conservative and do not do full-frontal nudity.” – Women’s Health & Fitness editor Rebecca Long, above, explaining to readers why she chose not to run (supplied) photos of Rip’s nubbin in a story about small peckers – specifically, a story about Rip’s small pecker – that was published in December 2013.
– Sex therapists Celeste and Danielle, above, answering a questionnaire about Rip’s penis for Women’s Health & Fitness, in which one is “very small” and 10 is “very large.” So much for lying to spare a guy’s feelings.
– Lissette Padilla, above and below, describing pageant rules to viewers of The Young Turks.
We guess Rip didn’t get the memo.
Below, Kendra Wilkinson and her Kendra on Top gal pals share a laugh about the penis pageant and the guys who would actually “show it”:
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