Tagged: Smallest Penis in Brooklyn

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What’s the most embarrassing thing a woman can do to a dude? How about pull his pants down, expose his (tiny) penis, take pictures and then share his secret with the world? Oh, and why not measure his privates with a ruler?

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

1

 

Who’s Measuring

Rip van Dinkle’s Dink?

 

asha6

 

.  1  2

.  The penis pageant showrunner …         … measures Rip on stage

 

. aiden  aiden-2

. The “mean girl” …                                     … gets Rip’s statistics

 

.  jaye-1  jaye-2

.  The Minnesota model …                         … disrespects her elder

 

.  3 5

.  The B-movie star …                                  … joins in the fun

 

.  amy-1  minnick

.  The photographer …                       … documents Rip’s “manhood”

 

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The Minnesota Model

 

jaye4

 

Twenty-five-year-old Jaye was tasked with giving old man Rip a video physical. This required her to examine his manhood with a magnifying glass, test his penile muscle with a pencil, and measure his member with a ruler. Jaye performed her duties admirably.

When Rip discovered that Jaye would actually be touching his penis, he was concerned that the results of her measurement would be less than scientific.

“This was a real test for my smallness,” Rip said. “I knew I was in trouble when we got to her apartment, where she and I shot the videos. I had to follow her up some stairs and, as you can see in the bikini picture below, Jaye has an ass born for boners. In fact, she told me an old boyfriend had a nickname for her: Bonerific.”

Jaye’s penis poking, prodding, and near-puking are captured in the short videos below.

 

Jaye

 

.                    jaye3 jaye5 jaye8

.                    jaye2 jaye7 jaye6

Click on pictures for bigger views of Jaye

 

Prior to their, ahem, “hands-on” video shoot, Rip and budding journalist Jaye Millspaugh collaborated on a short print interview. Read it here:

 

Have you ever wondered who has the smallest penis in Brooklyn? That could possibly be Rip van Dinkle, a contestant in last year’s annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. He has traveled from his home in Minnesota twice to compete, and be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age. One of them decided to start a conversation.

JAYE MILLSPAUGH: Jesus fuck, you’re tiny! Do you even know who I am?

RIP VAN DINKLE:  I’ve been told that “it’s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat,” that matters to most women. Then again, one woman did comment that her two-year-old baby boy is better hung than I am.

Do I know who you are? I was told you are a journalist for one of those feminist sites, Jezebel or Cosmopolitan or something. Is that not the case?

JM: Are you serious? And, god no. Do I look like a fucking geek? I’m only the hottest supermodel in Minnesota. What makes you think you can get with me?

RVD: Gosh, I didn’t know you were a model, too. I’ll have to find your pictures and spend some time with them – that’s a good description of most of my dates lately.

JM: Are you kidding me? How do you not know my face? Everyone knows my face. And you know my ex played for the Gophers, right? Third-string quarterback. You’re like, one-third his size. I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.

RVD: I’ve been told that my penis is similar to a Tootsie Roll, the small ones, that is. I’m sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. My manhood is about 1.5 inches long, so if he’s three times that size, I guess he’s not real big, either.

JM: Oh no, he’s totally big. I don’t date guys who aren’t. I mean seriously, like how is yours even effective?

RVD: My penis, you mean?

JM: Yeah.

RVD: I’ve never actually had a woman ask, “Is it in yet?” On the other hand, my ex-wife Amy did used to ask me, “Is it still in, or did it pop out again?” Guys like me sometimes have trouble keeping it in.

JM: Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off! Could you please go crawl in a hole and leave me alone?

RVD: Oh, I’m quite sure I could fit inside you. In fact, I could probably fit inside you four or five times, if I had four or five more cocks the size of mine. Leave you alone? Aren’t you the one interviewing me?

JM: Whatever. Just know I’m not interested. What makes you think you can pleasure me though? Please explain your techniques.

RVD: I kind of doubt that I could pleasure you. Especially since you are a supermodel. I’ve discovered that what worked for other women who slept with me was their imagination. You would just have to imagine that I am, oh, say Jamie Foxx in Django Unchained. You know, the scene where he is naked and hanging upside down? And his big penis is hanging down? That image worked pretty well for my ex.

Plus, I am getting old and don’t produce much sperm anymore, so the whole thing would be over for you pretty quick.

JM: Yeah, that shit’s not gonna work for me. How many other women has that worked on? I’m guessing none!

RVD: You’re right. That’s why I have a tongue, I suppose.

JM: I would certainly hope so. Was your ex-wife even hot? I bet she looked like Shrek.

RVD: It’s true that the first time my ex-wife slept with me, she was drunk. She might not have remembered how tiny I am the next morning. [Editor’s Note: See Rip’s ex-wife, Amy, pictured below. Click on pictures for a bigger view.]

 

.                          amy-schmidt-1        amy-schmidt

 

On the other hand, I’m guessing that this photo shoot I did with Amy (the photographer, not my ex-wife) will attract lots of women once the photos get posted on the Internet.

JM: You’re fucking delusional if you think lots of women will be attracted to you. What the fuck happened to your ex-wife? Did she kill herself after sobering up?

RVD: She married another guy in Texas. She told me there was “no comparison” between him and me. I assume that means my pecker is prettier. You’ve seen my pictures – don’t you think that’s probably the case?

JM: God, no. You’re fucking gross. Bye, Losersaurus Rex!

RVD: Can I have your phone number? You seemed to be quite impressed with me, and it seems like we hit it off. You can call me Jamie.

*Quickly walks away and flips him off.

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

2

 

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A “Growing Concern”

 

jaye

“From what I’ve seen, it’s still well below average.”

 

Rip’s dick measurements did not all go smoothly. Although his “little friend” stayed within its normal size range – just under 2 inches – when he stood on a Brooklyn stage in front of scores of cheering women, that wasn’t always the case in more intimate settings with model Jaye and photographer Amy.

Jaye’s fingering of his noodle had caused his blood to flow — downhill. Rip mentioned his partial erection to her, just in case she hadn’t noticed. Jaye replied: “From what I’ve seen, it’s still well below average.”

Jaye informed Rip that she intended to show the video to her friends, who would get a laugh out of his videotaped exposure.

 

minnick-1

 

Photographer Amy, who spent hours documenting Rip’s tiny tool, at one point stopped shooting his nude self and blushed. With an awkward smile, she told Rip that “it” had grown bigger.

Rip later explained: “Doesn’t matter if you have a small dick or not. When you are naked and there is a woman kneeling in front of you, two feet away, and aiming her camera at your crotch, you are going to get excited.  I mean, she’s looking at your package. So you are thinking about sex.  Jaye was playing with my penis, and Amy was taking close-ups of my nut sack. What was I supposed to do?”

 

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Amy’s parting shot of Rip 

 

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The Gal Pal

 

.   face  carra2

“I see there is good and bad to being the smallest weenie”

 

But what about Rip’s friends – especially female friends? What did they think of Rip’s public exposure — or, as some would have it, his public emasculation?

Rip checked in with buddy Michele Carrasquillo, who had earlier sent this message to him:

 

“I don’t mind seeing too much penis, but I’d prefer if they were on super-hot guys not doing super-gross stuff. Just sayin’. Vive la Penis!”

 

Michele was unaware of Rip’s participation in the small-penis pageant. He directed her to a Web site that had done a story about the event.

What did Michele think? Was she embarrassed for Rip, now that she knew the secret of his mini-manhood? Would she laugh at his cock, now that she’d seen it? Would she wonder if it was any bigger when it was erect?

 

2013

 

Michele: “Rip Van Dinkle”?

Ha ha ha! It is you. I recognize the headband from your video. I see you have been keeping yourself busy. You are one step away from being a full-blown celebrity. Thanks for sharing. What big project is next? Or should I say, little project? 

 

Rip: shhhhh … don’t tell anybody ….

 

Michele: No worries … I won’t give away your alias or secret hobby. Long live penis pageants! So, did you win anything in that contest? I’m thinking, second place is still worthy of a prize.

 

Rip: Am surprised you hadn’t heard of it. Pictures and videos all over the Internet. I could have won the stupid thing, but I got nervous about all of the negative attention and decided I did not want to win. So I began flipping the bird to the crowd and scowling at them. It worked … and I was right about the negative attention.

 

Michele: Ahh, I see there is good and bad to being the smallest weenie. Maybe you were meant to be the #1 next year for Miley! Leave the birds at home though!

 

2016

 

Rip: I did the small-penis pageant in Brooklyn again. I’d send you links to some of the stories, but then you would see pictures of my small penis, and I’d prefer that you be fooled and assume that I have a big penis. And big balls.

 

Michele: Well, you clearly have big balls. Ha ha! I saw some of the earlier articles.

 

 

.   new1       new2

“Well, you clearly have big balls. Ha ha!”

 

 

.                     grouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo grouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo grouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo

Click on pictures for bigger views of Michele

 

 

Rip got no sympathy from sexy Michele who, instead of reassuring him in his masculinity, could not resist piling on:

 

.                          2      6

“What big project is next?

                         Or should I say, little project?” 

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

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Part 3

 

In the third and final part of the series, Rip does Skype with bloggers and sex workers, and is slut-shamed by two “mean girls.” Part 3 is coming soon. Click here to go to Part 1.

 

 

© 2010-2017 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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rip2Photo by Amy Minnick

 

We asked Smallest Penis in Brooklyn contestant Rip van Dinkle to find out if size matters — specifically, to find out if his size matters.

Rip revealed his (not quite) two-inch tool to a bevy of attractive women — about half of them in face-to-face … er, face-to-penis encounters, and the other half over Skype — and asked them to pass judgment.

And because we realize that not more than three or four people on the planet care to read a post loaded with pictures of Rip’s puny pecker, we included eye-candy shots of the girls who ogled Rip’s manhood.

The leering ladies ran the gamut: podcasters, bloggers, a sex writer, a photographer, models, bar managers, some sex workers, and a few “girls next door.” Here they are:

 

 

Who’s Looking at Rip’s Dick?

 

.                   aimeealeeyaasha

                               Aimee                            Aleeya                            Anna

 

.                   cerseichristinecyndi

                                Cersei                            Christine                       Cyndi

 

.                   emilyjayegrouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo

                                Emily                             Jaye                              Michele

 

.                   kelseylilithgrouchyeditor.com Shawna Roberts

                                Kelly                            Lilith                            Sienna

 

.                   bishopdeejuli

                                Aiden                            Dee                                 Juliana

 

.                   mistygrouchyeditor.com Abbi Sterngrouchyeditor.com Rachel Khona

                                Misty                             Abbi                            Rachel

 

.                   maggievivianamy

                                Maggie                          Vivian                           Amy

 

.                   aliciagrouchyeditor.com Melanie Riedersgrouchyeditor.com Poppins

                                Alicia                           Melanie                   Just Kidding 

 

 

The Podcasters:

 

.                   rachel rip3 abbi

 

mail

questions

 

Rachel Khona attended the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant “to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them.” Khona, a sex writer, then invited Rip to discuss his package on her podcast, which she co-hosted with gal-pal Abbi Stern.

Rachel made it clear on the podcast that she would never, ever consider sleeping with someone like Rip, what with his puny pecker and all. Apparently, Rachel and Abbi wanted from Rip that rarest of things: a male who would actually confess in public that yes, his dick was lacking.

 

From the podcast:

 

Stern:  “It’s hilarious that anybody would want to advertise they have a small penis, because I don’t know how they’re ever gonna get ass after that.”

Khona:  “It’s sad. It feels like there’s a finger in you. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s there.”

 

. khona44    “So what’s it like having a small penis? How big does it get?”

 

. rip2    “Are you counting limp? For me, that’s not quite two inches.”

 

 

Moral of the story:  If you are under-hung, you don’t get to fuck Rachel. But she will giggle at your little dick.

 

 

.                   khona1 khona2 khona3

.                   khona5 khona6 khona7

                                   Click on pictures for bigger views of Rachel

 

khona

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From Thought Catalog:

 

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The Photo Shoot:

 

rip1

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Rip’s participation in the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant brought him Internet notoriety. But he doesn’t live in Brooklyn; he lives in Minneapolis.

Local photographer Amy Minnick recruited models Anna, Kelly, and Sienna to pose with naked-as-a-jaybird Rip. The goal was not to flatter the bearded, beer-bellied Baby Boomer. The goal was to depict how a group of sexy ladies might react to Rip and his mini member.

When Rip revealed his private parts to the ladies in these pictures, they were polite enough to giggle at his shortcomings – at least not in front of him. In the picture below, Rip himself was not present, so the girls felt free to express how they really felt — especially with Rip’s organ side-by-side with other, more fortunate males.

 

 

rip4

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Anna

 

Anna was the most enthusiastic model. When photographer Amy needed a volunteer to check out Rip’s manhood with a magnifying glass, Anna did not have to be asked twice: 

 

asha4Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Above, Anna zooms in on her subject matter. In the picture below, Rip owns the prick at far right. But you already guessed that.

We can’t imagine what Anna finds so funny. She probably felt sorry for the two chaps on the left.

 

asha5

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

.                   asha2 asha1 asha3

                                     Click on pictures for bigger views of Anna

 

Sienna

 

Sienna was required to strip down to black bra and thong panties. This presented a challenge for Rip. As the possessor of a tiny penis, would the sight of half-naked Sienna prompt a … physical change in him? Would his penile puniness be exposed as a fraud?

 

shawna3

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

In the photo above, Sienna apparently sees something amusing in her wine glass.

 

 

shawna1

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Above, Rip conquers a potentially embarrassing boner by concentrating not on Sienna in the bed behind him but rather on … a strap-on dildo?

 

 

shawna2

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Sienna, who apparently hasn’t seen enough, uses binoculars to eyeball Rip’s junk. At least it wasn’t a telescope.

 

 

.                   shawna5 shawna6 shawna7

                                 Click on pictures for bigger views of Sienna

 

shawna8

 

 

Kelly

 

Kelly was the quiet, bashful model in the studio. We have no idea what she might have been thinking when she came face-to-face with Rip and his dangling noodle. But her smile seemed to indicate that she enjoyed his birthday-suit shame fame.

 

kelsey1

Photo by Amy Minnick

Left to right above: Kelly (and dog), Anna, Sienna, Rip’s pecker

 

kelsey2

 

kelsey3

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Moral of the story:  We asked Rip if this photo shoot, featuring naked him and four clothed women, was a humiliating experience. “OK, it wasn’t exactly a Playgirl centerfold shoot,” he said. “But hey, how many guys can say they spent three hours on a Saturday afternoon with four chicks ogling their junk?”

A very good point.

Alas, Rip did not get a piece of ass from these ladies. The girls did, however, enjoy emasculating him.

 

**

 

Hats off (pants off?) to Amy Minnick, the woman who took the, uh, interesting black-and-white photos. Not only did the lens on her camera not shatter, but she endured hours of close scrutiny of Rip’s hairy cock and balls. We’re guessing that, outside of Rip himself (and his ex-wife), no one has spent more time staring at his twig and berries than Amy has.

Then again, who knows? Maybe she enjoyed it. Amy is pictured below.

 

amy

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

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Part 2

 

In Part 2, Rip has his dick measured by a Minnesota model and confesses his penis-pageant participation to sexy gal-pal Michele. Featuring video clips. Click here to go to Part 2.

 

© 2010-2017 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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(Click on any picture for a larger view)

 

We were curious about the backstage antics at Brooklyn’s annual small-penis pageant, and so we turned to two-time contestant Rip van Dinkle (above, at the 2015 contest) for some answers to our questions – and we had quite a few of them. Who, for example, is allowed in the contestants’ dressing room? Do participants suffer from pre-pageant jitters, or from the sudden realization that one’s penis will soon be on display for hundreds of boisterous women? Does Rip have bedroom fantasies about the women who saw (and judged) him in his birthday suit?

 

Grouchy Editor – Tell us about the scene in your dressing area before the pageants. Are women allowed in there?

Rip Van Dinkle – Oh, man, aside from the contestants, it’s all women backstage. Some of them are supposed to be there, like the pageant organizers and media people who are there for interviews. But there are some people who just wander in, with no real reason for being there except, I suppose, to ogle us. But there were also a few naked women backstage. In the first pageant, “Cherry Pitz” [Editor’s note: burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman] was in the show, and she stripped down to a black thong – and nothing up top – right in front of me.  I believe she was 49 at the time, and married, and looking hot. There was also a female musician parading around topless during the pageant this year.

GE – Tell us about the media.  It reminds us of female reporters in the men’s locker room at professional sporting events, which was quite controversial.

RVD – They say you have to be brassy to be a good reporter, and that was certainly true of the ballsy bunch I saw in the dressing area. A reporter from Gawker [Editor’s note: Victor Jeffreys II], one of the few male reporters, drew me aside to ask questions. At some point, I glanced down and saw that he was holding his cell-phone camera in front of my groin; he’d been taking close-up pictures during the interview. That kind of pissed me off, but he certainly got what he wanted. I checked out his story in Gawker and there were all these shots of my junk in huge close-up, including shots he took later when the judges were measuring our cocks on stage.

 

.                  Stage2   Stage3   Stage4

Gawker published these intimate pictures of Rip submitting to penis-measurements by judges Cyndi Freeman, left, and Aimee Arciuolo, center.  At right, one of Jeffreys’ surreptitious crotch shots.

 

A female photographer at the first pageant spotted me sitting alone, drinking a Coke, and asked if she could take pictures. I said sure and brushed my hair a bit, but that was unnecessary because she wasn’t interested in my hair. She just kind of leaned over and stuck her camera between my thighs and began taking pictures. I should mention that I wasn’t completely naked; I was wearing one of those tuxedo thongs. But she and the Gawker guy were there to get pictures of our genitals and by God that’s what they got.

GE – You mentioned the foreign press …

RVD – Oh yes.  There was this gorgeous reporter from Brazil, Anna something [Editor’s note: Anna Gabriela Ribeiro], and she came up to ask me questions. One thing almost every interviewer asks me is, “How small is your penis?” She didn’t ask me that, which I thought was kind of odd until I realized what I was wearing. We didn’t have mirrors to look at ourselves backstage, and this was our first costume, which I thought covered us up. I was wrong. It was black underwear but with a see-thru patch right over the genitals, so this girl had a clear view of my twig and berries, dangling just inches below her notepad. She would have no trouble describing my shortcomings for her readers. It might also have explained the smile on her face while she was interviewing me. She also took pictures during the show. Several of them popped up on Spanish-language Web sites.

 

.                  Stage5  Stage6  Stage7

Ribeiro and her view while interviewing Rip

 

GE – OK, enough about journalists. Who else was in the dressing room?

RVD – At both pageants, Aimee Arciuolo was there helping us adjust our costumes. She was the creator of the pageant and had a hand in designing the costumes.  She wanted us as exposed as possible, and told me before the first pageant that our underwear would be as transparent as plastic wrap. For the 2015 pageant, Bobbie Chaset pretty much took over managing duties, so she was always around. Legally, we weren’t supposed to get completely naked during the show, but I discussed flashing the audience with Bobbie beforehand and she encouraged me to do it. So I did.

GE – Anyone else backstage?

RVD – There were the “penis kittens,” of course. They had various duties, but mostly they just had to look cute. Some of them, I think, used Super Soakers to wet our crotches before the penis measuring.

   Stage8

“Penis Kittens” from left to right: Racheal, Audrey, Amanda

 

GE – We should come clean here. We really aren’t interested in hearing any more about your experiences at the pageant. What we really wanted to do was find an excuse to run pictures of some of the good-looking women associated with the contest. We wanted to turn the tables on some of the females who ogled you guys. We’d love your comments on these pictures.

RVD – Excellent. Let’s do it.

GE – We’d also like you to give us a favorite sex fantasy about each of them.

RVD – That sounds sexist. Count me in.

 

**

 

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet, New York Post

 

montage

 

 

The Leering Ladies

 

Pageant creator/manager/judge Aimee Arciuolo

 

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.                  Stage13  Stage14  Stage15

 

RVD – Aimee has a great rack and nice legs. I guess she could relate to us guys in the pageant since she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, herself. Until I saw these pictures, I had no idea she let her tits hang out in public. Great-looking tits, blue or any other color.

Aimee told Gothamist that she and her friends discussed ways to make us get erections during the pageant, I suppose so they could measure us limp-dicked and also with boners. Aimee really wanted to give the females in the bar a good show. She was upset that a city ordinance wouldn’t let us show cock, so she and her mother designed “penis tuxedoes” so that our balls hung out for all to see.

But I was game for anything at the pageant. If Aimee had said to me, “Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?” I would have said to her, “Yes, ma’am. If that’s what you want, no problem.” Humiliating, I suppose, but I’m sure she would have loved that.

 

“If Aimee had said to me, ‘Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?’ I would have said to her, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

 

.                  Stage16  Stage17  Stage18

Rip: “For a woman who claims to favor small dicks, Aimee looks pretty pleased to see Flo Rida’s big pecker.”

 

RVD – These screen caps and the video below are from the first pageant. A guy calling himself Flo Rida broke the rules and flashed his dick. I’m pretty sure this kind of rule-breaking pleased Aimee, even though she acts shocked in these pictures.

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  She’s kind of a show-off, so I’d love to do her doggie-style on stage. At a biker bar. Hey – remember, this is the girl who put me through the indignity of measuring my penis on stage in front of a bar full of women. With cameras.

 

In the video above, Cyndi (big wig) and Aimee measure little manhoods on stage. Rip is the contestant in the middle.

 

*****

 

Bartender/manager Bobbie Chaset

 

Stage19

Rip is interviewed by Rolling Stone while Bobbie Chaset, right, looks on

 

.                  Stage20  Stage21  Stage22

 

RVD – These pictures surprise me. They must be some years old. I thought Bobbie was too reserved to dress in such a sexy costume and in such “fuck me” poses. Also, are those panties see-thru? Looks to me like some pussy hair poking through, but that could be my wishful thinking.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Those pictures remind me of bondage. It would be fun to tie her up, put a gag in her mouth, and do her on stage. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Journalist Anna Gabriela Ribeiro

 

.                  Stage23   Stage24   Stage25

 

RVD – After she interviewed me, she took a bunch of pictures during the contest. They were published on South American Web sites, but I noticed my crotch was “black barred” in them.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Probably we’d do a scene for a Brazilian porno flick. Does Brazil have porno flicks?

 

*****

 

“Penis Kittens” Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk, Racheal Selles-Czuk

 

.                 Stage26  Stage27  Stage28

Left to right: Racheal Selles-Czuk, Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk

 

RVD – Honestly, I’m not sure what they did. I believe they were supposed to hose our crotches with Super Soakers, but it was too chaotic to notice who was squirting what. Cute girls, though. Look at Amanda – doesn’t she look like some glamorous 1940s film star?

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Racheal and Audrey are sisters, so of course we’d have a threesome. Amanda has kind of that classic, movie-star look, so I’d do her classic missionary-style. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman

 

.                  Stage29  Stage30  Stage31

.                  Stage32  Stage33  Stage34

 

RVD – Looks pretty good for 50, doesn’t she? I guess she has a very understanding husband, since she spends so much time parading around half-naked in front of other men. She struck me as one horny lady. During the second pageant, which I did not attend, she basically dry humped a contestant who, from the look of the pictures, was wearing only a shirt – no underwear. In other words, Cyndi in her thong grinding pussy against his genitals. [Editor’s note: See GIF at bottom] She also seems to enjoy eyeballing Flo Rida’s big prick in the pictures [above and below]. And she was one of the judges who measured my manhood on stage.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cyndi Freeman

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I think she’s kinky, so I’d have her down on her knees, giving me head while her husband watches. By the way, Cyndi once did a soft-core TV show for Showtime. It has Cyndi tits, Cyndi ass, Cyndi getting fucked by a sleazy dude – check it out.

 

*****

 

Gawker reporter Victor Jeffreys II

 

Stage35

 

RVD – Annoying dude, but he was there for dick pics and he got them – especially mine. [Editor’s note: That’s Jeffreys below the yellow arrow in the picture, watching Dinkle get measured.]

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Go fuck yourself. Although there is a scene in Deliverance that comes to mind.

 

*****

 

Judges

 

.                                       Stage36    Stage38

Left to right, judges Natalie Shure, Krystyna Hutchinson

 

RVD – The brunette, Krystyna Hutchinson, was super hot. The one in the glasses looks hot in her picture, but what you can’t tell from it is that she is a very big girl. Big everywhere. Not my cup of tea.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Krystyna, anal sex. Natalie, boob sex.

 

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The 2015 judges were unimpressed by Rip’s puny pecker, pictured above. After finishing in second place at the 2013 pageant, Rip and his (normally) 1.75-inch penis experienced shrinkage, demoted to fourth place by Shure and Hutchinson.

 

*****

 

Gothamist photographer Melanie Rieders

 

.                  Rieders1  Rieders2  Rieders3

Rieders enjoys hanging with big dicks (far right) as well as wee ones

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 

RVD – This girl Melanie probably captured the most explicit shot of my wiener (below). I was surprised to see it posted on Gothamist, which is a fairly mainstream Web site, because her photo doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. From the stage, I didn’t notice her, but she must have been in the front row and prepared for my flash, because I didn’t have my bathrobe open for more than a few seconds.

 

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Photo by Melanie Rieders

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 Rieders in the crowd, moments after capturing a shot of Rip’s dick

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I looked her up on the Web and discovered a bikini shot of her (below). My God, does she have a humpable, pumpable little ass, or what? I’m thinking I’d do her doggie-style, right there on that raft. Guys like me aren’t built for big-bottomed girls, because we have to make it past all that butt cheek, but Melanie’s perky bubble butt? I’m thinking I could squeeze into that.

 

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 *****

 

Stage40

Cyndi Freeman, aka Cherry Pitz, dry humps a bare-bottomed contestant

 

To read more about Rip’s adventures at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, click here or here.

 

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Liz Collin

 

“Is that a peanut in your pocket … or are you not happy to see me?”

 

She’s a journalist and she knows you have a small penis … what could possibly go wrong? (See below.)

 

Smallest Penis

 

*****

 

.             Magoo     Burns

 

“Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?” – Donald Trump ridiculing presidential candidate Carly Fiorina.

Sadly, we do seem to elect presidents in much the same way that we select homecoming kings and queens – appearances matter. In that superficial spirit, here are the physical and/or personal deficits of our illustrious candidates:

 

  • Chris Christie – The fat boy
  • Ben Carson – The mumbler
  • Rand Paul – The daddy’s boy
  • Marco Rubio – Too young to buy beer
  • Jeb Bush – Another Bush
  • Mike Huckabee – The reverend in Footloose
  • Rick Santorum – The reverend in Footloose
  • Bernie Sanders – Mr. Magoo
  • Hillary Clinton – Mrs. Howell
  • Bobby Jindal – Lighter-skinned Urkel
  • Lindsey Graham – Gay Frank Underwood – or is that redundant?
  • Scott Walker – Who?
  • Ted Cruz – Young Mr. Burns
  • Donald Trump – The frat boy
  • Carly Fiorina – Mr. Ed

 

*****

 

Carly

 

*****

 

.                                       Somali     Amy Holmes

Small-penis bashers “Somali Rose,” left, and TV pundit Amy Holmes

 

Kings County Saloon is closing its doors for good on Sept. 27. Kings, of course, is home to the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. This is probably disappointing news for women like WCCO anchor Liz Collin (top of page and below right with Rip van Dinkle), who was pleased to meet pageant contestant Dinkle. When Dinkle gave Liz his penis-pageant business card, she seemed starstruck, gushing to Rip: “I heard about this!”

 

Rip van Dinkle       Liz Collin

 

While Collin was tickled by Rip and the contest for miniscule members, other talking heads were not so kind. The following is a recent Twitter exchange between conservative pundit Amy Holmes and “Somali Rose” after Holmes shared a link to Gothamist’s penis-pageant pictures, including the shot of Dinkle above left:

 

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Smallest Penis in Brooklyn

 

The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant: Is it a courageous stand against body shaming, as the pageant managers would have us believe … or is it simply a splashy opportunity to objectify and sexually humiliate men?

We analyzed media coverage of the SPB to advance our theory that the contest is a clever ploy by women to dish out to men a taste of their own medicine. What do ladies really think about men with puny peckers? Here is an excerpt from an article by feminist writer Kristina Hansen:

 

Hansen1

 

“Men are often ridiculed by women if their penis does not meet a certain length when erect. I’ve personally heard many women, on many occasions, discussing their ex-partners penises and making fun of how small, tiny, or thin they were. How fucking his pinky toe would have been more pleasurable, or how they literally laughed in the guy’s face when they saw it for the first time.

These women enjoy shaming those men amongst others and cackling over hot cups of coffee in public coffee shops where anyone nearby can clearly hear what they are talking about. In fact, they enjoy knowing that others are hearing them and that the men they are shaming are not just confined to their table.” 

 

** 

 

So, you’re a female journalist and you’ve been assigned to cover The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. You are aware that penis size is a sensitive issue for most men.  How do you approach this pageant about male private parts?

We think most women regard this annual parade of small cocks as a curiosity and a lark. Many of them delight in the public unveiling of diminutive dicks — and the implied inadequacy of the men who own them. SPB’s display of mini-manhoods makes women all warm and fuzzy between the legs, because it confirms their belief that in the battle of the sexes, vaginas rule.

 

 

THE HEADLINES

 

Small Penis 1    Small Penis 2

 

 

NYPost

Happy

 

Serena Dai of DNAinfo alerted readers to the exploitative nature of the pageant, and drove the point home on her Twitter page:

 

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(For the record, contestant penises were not measured at the 2015 pageant. Also for the record, contestant penises were measured at the 2013 pageant, as pictured below.) 

 

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In what might have been the pageant’s most debasing moment, contestant “Rip van Dinkle” submitted to having his penis measured by judge Aimee Arciuolo in front of a crowd of hooting and laughing women, many of whom took pictures of the scene. In the picture above, pageant honcho Arciuolo uses a retractable ruler to measure his manhood for the crowd’s entertainment. Van Dinkle said that contestants were not informed ahead of time that this intimate event would occur in full view of the audience: “I was standing on the bar when I felt something rubbing against my penis. I looked down and there was Aimee, a big grin on her face, carefully measuring my penis with her ruler. The atmosphere was like a drunken sorority party, so I just let her do it. I had no idea there were so many people taking pictures. It wasn’t until I saw the pictures on the Internet that I noticed that Cyndi [Freeman] had also measured us.” 

 

 

THE WRITERS

 

Callie2

Callie Beusman in Jezebel:

 

“The small penis is a running joke in our culture.”

 

“Everyone bided their time by talkin’ about dicks, by speculating idly about whose penises we were going to behold.”

“Let’s see some small dicks!”

“Photographers were snapping with wild abandon. I tried to take a picture and someone with a stupid hat got in the way.”

 

Callie1

 

“All the penises were pretty small – I think I would be remiss to not mention that.”

“What is it about the spectacle of a tiny penis that was so very compelling? I glanced out the door and saw that people were lined up on the street, peering in with curiosity, because the bar was over capacity.”

“The small penis is a running joke in our culture.”

“The confidence required to strut around, nearly completely naked, fully aware that your penis is completely unimpressive, seems impossible to muster.”

“It basically goes without saying that an event like this is compelling because of cheap beer and dicks in little tuxedos.”

 

**

 

Noble

Melissa Noble in The Blot Magazine:

 

“When genetics gifts you with a three-inch penis, you step into a sheer thong.”

 

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When genetics gifts you with a three-inch penis, you step into a sheer thong and compete for a cash prize in Bushwick, Brooklyn.”

“The contest practices an open admission policy for any guy who’d like bragging rights and interesting Google search results for the rest of his virile life.”

 

**

 

Goldin

Melissa Goldin in The Brooklyn Paper:

 

“Six short-membered men put their small schmeckles to the test.”

 

“Six short-membered men defied a cultural trend and put their small schmeckles to the test.”

“None of them were a big deal, and that was the cringe-worthy point.”

 

**

 

Furfaro

Danielle Furfaro in The Brooklyn Paper:

 

“Men with puny peckers … five guys and their miniscule members faced off.”

 

**

 

Layne

Jodie Layne in Bustle:

 

“There’s a special kind of universal disdain that borders on hatred for those with small dicks.”

 

**

 

Lyons

Alexa Lyons in COED:

 

“Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a bar?”

 

“Over 100 microscopic penises [sic] gathered in Brooklyn this past weekend to compete for the title of most sexually incompetent. Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a Star Wars-themed bar?”

 

**

 

Surnow

Rose Surnow in Cosmopolitan:

 

“Judges measured their privates. It was truly a tiny affair.”

 

“All the men lined up on the bar wearing only sheer loin-cloths while the judges measured their privates. Staying in the 1-3 inch range, it was truly a tiny affair.”

“A group of blond girls calling themselves Penis Kittens sprayed the boys with cold water just to make sure nobody got excited.”

 

**

 

Dickson1

EJ Dickson in The Daily Dot:

 

“He suffered the dual shame of making a fool of himself and revealing to the world that he had a small penis.”

 

“Parading a bunch of tiny-phallused exhibitionists onstage for the amusement of inebriated hipsters might sound at best exploitative and at worst cruel.”

“When I ask if they would ever date someone who won a Small Penis competition, a group of women who had purchased VIP tickets laughs uproariously.”

“While small penises have recently enjoyed some extra attention, there’s still an obvious stigma associated with them.”

“If being subject to mockery or sexual humiliation isn’t the impetus for entering a small penis contest, what, then, could it be?”

“When his photos surfaced online, his friends in France recognized him and mocked him mercilessly … he suffered the dual shame of making a drunken fool of himself and revealing to the world that he had a small penis.”

“ ‘Come on, I wanna see small dick!’ a girl in a crop top yelled.”  

 

**

 

Dai2

Serena Dai in DNAinfo:

 

“Audience members kept asking to know the actual numerical size of the participants. This year’s event will show the men in all their glory.”

 

“Kings County Saloon’s third annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant next month will be measuring contestants’ length on stage. Rules about showing too much prevented the bar from allowing contestants to bare all in the past, but audience members kept asking to know the actual numerical size of the participants.

“This year’s event will offer costumes that will show the men in all their glory.”

 

**

 

Gloudeman

Nikki Gloudeman in Ravishly:

 

“I admit to laughing with girlfriends more than once over penis size.”

 

**

 

Greenberg

Annie Georgia Greenberg in Refinery29:

 

“When we heard about the Smallest Penis Contest, we giggled.”

 

“When we heard about Kings County Bar’s first annual Smallest Penis Contest, we: 1. giggled, 2. got a little uncomfortable.”

“Spraying water guns at tighty whities or encouraging nudity in order to show off controversial bits seems to place a fundamentally questionable gaze (and therefore some sort of judgment) on a body part usually reserved for intimate moments.”

 

**

 

Favreau

Meg Favreau in someecards:

 

“Some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages.”

 

“Instead of being ashamed of their wee wanks, some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages.”

“One dude, going by the name Rip van Dinkle, even traveled to Brooklyn just for the pageant. I guess that’s similar to how people travel … for American Idol tryouts, but your dick doesn’t get to be part of a nationally televised singing contest.”

 

**

 

Khona

Rachel Khona

 

“We came to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them off.”

 

**

 

Goodman2

Justine Goodman in Maxim:

 

“Do you have a small pecker?”

 

“Do you have a small pecker?”

“If you are in possession of a small wang, you owe it to yourself to enter; if only because this may be your only chance to meet girls who are game for a romp.”

“If you suffer from such an affliction, you’ve probably honed your other skills in the bedroom as a means of compensating for your, um, shortcomings.”

 

Goodman1

 

“If your schlong ain’t long AND you’re lazy in the sack, that’s called being a huge dick; not having one.”

“It takes massive balls to admit you have the smallest penis.”

 

**

 

SPB22

Johanna King-Slutzky in Nerve:

 

“Eyeballing it, I’d guess nobody’s junk was over two inches.”

 

“Eyeballing it, I’d guess nobody’s junk was over two inches. Also of note, the tuxes didn’t cover any balls.”

“This time, the suit covers their balls; everyone’s junk looks just a little bit larger.”

 

**

 

SPB23

Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet in the New York Post:

 

“Six cocky contestants showed off their Slim Jims … for a chance at gherkin-size glory.”

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.”

“Gilronan was crowned the ‘wiener’ with his mighty three-incher.”

 

**

 

Rip van Dinkle

Blogger Alicia

 

“If you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, the bar owners would make a shit load of money.”

 

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New York writer Alicia asked Rip van Dinkle the following questions for a column on her Web site:

 

When did you realize you had a small penis?

Is your penis technically a micro penis?

Did women ever mention your small penis? What did they say?

Did boys in the locker room at school/camp notice your small penis?

Is this a fun event? Is it more about humiliation?

Have you gotten any dates because of your small penis?

What’s the best part of having a small penis? And the worst?

 

For an insider’s view of The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, check out The Playboy Interview: Rip van Dinkle.

 

 

THE PHOTOGRAPHERS

 

Drunken girls with cellphone cameras weren’t the only ones snapping pictures of small dick at SPB.  The professionals were on hand, including the women pictured below with their revealing shots of van Dinkle (click on the photos for full size).

Bobbie Chaset, aware of van Dinkle’s intention to flash the crowd, possibly alerted photographers, most of whom were armed and ready to capture the money shot.

 

 Rieders3

Melanie Rieders

 

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Photo by Melanie Rieders, Gothamist

 

SpinelliTO

 Lauren Spinelli

 

TO

Photo by Lauren Spinelli, Time Out New York

 

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Bek Andersen 

 

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Photo by Bek Andersen, Cosmopolitan

 

 

THE JUDGES 

 

Natalie2

 

Natalie1

Natalie Shure

 

“Now let’s tear up some dongs.”

 

**

 

Krys1

Krystyna Hutchinson

 

“You could have a tiny dick and be a craftsman with your finger or your tongue.”

 

 

** 

 

 

THE DICK WRANGLERS

 

Wranglers

Aimee Arciuolo and Bobbie Chaset

 

How do you get a man to pull down his pants in front of a bar full of hooting, picture-snapping women? You know, and he knows, that exposing his tiny manhood to public scrutiny is an invitation to ridicule and humiliation.

If you are pageant masterminds Aimee Arciuolo and Bobbie Chaset, how do you convince these guys to submit to a well-publicized emasculation? Try flattery. Then try it again.  And downplay the humiliating aspects of his coming-out party. The tactic worked twice on Rip van Dinkle.

 

SPB35

Bobbie Chaset

 

“Next year I am putting $100 of my own personal funds to get you out here.”

 

“Your penis will not ever be completely nude because of legality issues. I totally understand being nervous but honestly it is a lot more fun than you might expect!” – Bobbie to Rip in an early e-mail

 

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SPB36

 

Dinkle:  If I was going to pay to attend a small-penis pageant, I would feel ripped off if I only saw big ones. Hopefully, I will not get cold feet and will correct that injustice at the end of my rap.

Chaset:  Yes!!! Just remember everyone’s very excited to have you back including the press. Aimee and I have a lot of scheduled interviews! We’re mentioning you in all of them so I hope your name gets in the press soon!

Dinkle: When you have a small-penis pageant, small penises will be mocked …

Chaset: True!

 

Bobbie’s interview on Drew & Marc, a Detroit radio program:

 

D&M:  Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?

Chaset:  If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.

Chaset:  We are not actually showing the penis. The balls are out, but we do not show the penis. That is up to the contestant to flash us illegally if he wants to, which did happen last year, but technically none of us see the actual penis. You know, we make materials that are snug enough that we can kind of get an idea of what’s going on. Plus they have the swimwear competition where we wet them down with Super Soakers, so.

D&M:  So the law is you can show the balls but you just can’t show the penis?

Chaset:  Correct.

Chaset:  In the swimsuit competition the Penis Kittens spray them down with Super Soakers.

D&M:  So they are the opposite of fluffers.

Chaset:  Yes.

D&M:  The penis shrinkers.

Chaset:  (giggles)

 

**

 

SPB37

Aimee Arciuolo

 

“Our female friends are so excited.”

 

 

Hansen2

Kristina Hansen

 

These women enjoy shaming men amongst others in public where anyone nearby can clearly hear what they are talking about. In fact, they enjoy knowing that others are hearing them [talk about] the men they are shaming.” — Hansen

 

“Our straight male friends have told me this is the worst idea ever, eyes rolling, huffy, puffy and insulted. Our female friends and regulars are so excited.” — Arciuolo

 

“Although it’s true that much of the pageant was a light-hearted, “feel good” event, there were also elements of sexual humiliation. During one portion of the pageant I was made to stand on a bar, wear a see-through loincloth, get hosed in the crotch by “penis kittens” wielding squirt guns, and then have my manhood measured by two women with rulers while the crowd watched and took pictures. By the next day, there were dozens of close-up photos of my two-inch penis getting measured by these smiling women, which were then posted on sites all over the Internet. Oh, and my face is clearly visible in many of the pictures. If you read the comments that accompany the stories and pictures from the pageant, it’s pretty obvious that a good portion of people were into the humiliation aspect, rather than the “feel good” aspect.”van Dinkle on Alicia’s blog.

 

Measure

(Arciuolo measures van Dinkle; click for full-size)

 

Dinkle: Did you get the picture I sent?

Arciuolo: Yes sir! I’ll put you down for July 20 … Thank you!

 

Below, Rip’s penile humiliation  =  Aimee’s jubilation

 

SPB                    Measure

grouchyeditor.com cock measure  grouchyeditor.com Arciuolo

 

Videos of The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant:

Part One of the 2013 pageant

Part Two of the 2013 pageant

Rolling Stone video of the 2015 pageant

 

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