Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Archives

31Dec

The Year in Dinkle

Posted in Rip's Scrapbook | Leave a comment

The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by ~~pubicly~~ publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.

So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?

Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?

Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?

(Click on pictures for a larger view)

Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:

“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”

Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.

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Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.

Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.

“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here) and Alicia (click here), too.”

From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:

On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.

**

August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:

“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”

Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”

Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:

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The Practical Joke

Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).

Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.

“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”

Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:

Kevyn Burger: “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”

Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)

KB: “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”

KB: “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”

Gal Pals: “Yes!”

Gal Pal 2: “I just about died.”

KB: “He looks pretty proud.”

Gal Pal 2: “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”

KB: “And nothing else!”

Gal Pal 1: “And nothing else.”

Gal Pal 2: “Just his birthday suit.”

KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”

Gal Pal 2: “We see everything else.” (laughter)

Gal Pal 1: “I think we can see the identifying marks.”

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Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:

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Rip was interviewed by “Simone” (not her real name, above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.

Simone got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.

“How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

Simone told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:

“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’”

Simone went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:

“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Simone said.

Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:

Simone continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”

Says Rip: “That little girl (“Simone”) gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when I heard her comment on the podcast about getting balled — a lot.” (Scroll down for the audio clip.)

Simone’s podcast comment:

For the deaf or hard-of-hearing, here’s a transcript:

“For me personally, I’m someone who’s fucked a lot of people right away.”

Says Rip: “She’s an aspiring actress. I’d imagine there are low-budget producers in Hollywood who would be interested in a girl who will ‘do the deed’ with guys she’s just met. You know, like other actors.

“Maybe we could co-star in a remake of I Spit on Your Grave. She’d play the girl who gets gang-banged in the woods. I’d play the mentally challenged dude with a tiny cock who also gets a piece. Oh, and it would be unsimulated sex, of course!”

Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”

Below, Nicoletta (left) and Simone (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.

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Simone:

“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?”

Nicoletta:

“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”

“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”

“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”

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One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.

Listen to the full podcast below:

**

Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:

Marlena: “How many women have you had sex with?”

“Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?”

“How wide is your penis?”

“Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?”

“How does having a small penis affect your life?”

Rip: “Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.”

Marlena: “I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.”

Marlena: “Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?”

Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.

You can read Marlena’s interview with Rip by clicking here.

**

Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.

Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.

After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.

**

“I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick

“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook

You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone

**

Photo (Shop) Fun!

Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view

Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize

Rip’s dinghy approaches the anchor

04Sep

Van Dinkle: The Measure of a Man (Part 1)

Posted in Rip's Scrapbook | Leave a comment

Photo by Amy Minnick

We asked Smallest Penis in Brooklyn contestant Rip van Dinkle to find out if size matters — specifically, to find out if his size matters.

Rip revealed his (not quite) two-inch tool to a bevy of attractive women — about half of them in face-to-face … er, face-to-penis encounters, and the other half over Skype — and asked them to pass judgment.

And because we realize that not more than three or four people on the planet care to read a post loaded with pictures of Rip’s puny pecker, we included eye-candy shots of the girls who ogled Rip’s manhood.

The leering ladies ran the gamut: podcasters, bloggers, a sex writer, a photographer, models, bar managers, some sex workers, and a few “girls next door.” Here they are:

Who’s Looking at Rip’s Dick?

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Aimee Aleeya Sara

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Cersei Christine Cyndi

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Emily Jaye Sarah

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Marcie Lilith Sandra

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Aiden Dee Juliana

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Misty Abbi Rachel

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Maggie Vivian Amy

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Alicia Melanie Just Kidding

The Podcasters:

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Rachel Khona attended the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant “to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them.” Khona, a sex writer, then invited Rip to discuss his package on her podcast, which she co-hosted with gal-pal Abbi Stern.

Rachel made it clear on the podcast that she would never, ever consider sleeping with someone like Rip, what with his puny pecker and all. Apparently, Rachel and Abbi wanted from Rip that rarest of things: a male who would actually confess in public that yes, his dick was lacking.

From the podcast:

Stern: “It’s hilarious that anybody would want to advertise they have a small penis, because I don’t know how they’re ever gonna get ass after that.”

Khona: “It’s sad. It feels like there’s a finger in you. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s there.”

. “So what’s it like having a small penis? How big does it get?”

. “Are you counting limp? For me, that’s not quite two inches.”

Moral of the story: If you are under-hung, you don’t get to fuck Rachel. But she will giggle at your little dick.

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Click on pictures for bigger views of Rachel

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From Thought Catalog:

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The Photo Shoot:

Photo by Amy Minnick

Rip’s participation in the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant brought him Internet notoriety. But he doesn’t live in Brooklyn; he lives in Minneapolis.

Local photographer Amy Minnick recruited models Sara, Marcie, and Sandra (not their real names) to pose with naked-as-a-jaybird Rip. The goal was not to flatter the bearded, beer-bellied Baby Boomer. The goal was to depict how a group of sexy ladies might react to Rip and his mini member.

When Rip revealed his private parts to the ladies in these pictures, they were polite enough not to giggle at his shortcomings – at least not in front of him. In the picture below, Rip himself was not present, so the girls felt free to express how they really felt — especially with Rip’s organ pictured side-by-side with other, more fortunate males.

Photo by Amy Minnick

Sara

Sara was the most enthusiastic model. When photographer Amy needed a volunteer to check out Rip’s manhood with a magnifying glass, Sara did not have to be asked twice:

Photo by Amy Minnick

Above, Sara zooms in on her subject matter. In the picture below, Rip owns the prick at far right. But you already guessed that.

We can’t imagine what Sara finds so funny. She probably felt sorry for the two chaps on the left.

Photo by Amy Minnick

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Click on pictures for bigger views of Sara

Sandra

Sandra was required to strip down to black bra and thong panties. This presented a challenge for Rip. As the possessor of a tiny penis, would the sight of half-naked Sandra prompt a … physical change in him? Would his penile puniness be exposed as a fraud?

Photo by Amy Minnick

In the photo above, Sandra apparently sees something amusing in her wine glass.

Photo by Amy Minnick

Above, Rip conquers a potentially embarrassing boner by concentrating not on Sandra’s “fuck me, Rip” pose in the bed behind him but rather on … a strap-on dildo?

Photo by Amy Minnick

Sandra, who apparently hasn’t seen enough, uses binoculars to eyeball Rip’s junk. At least it wasn’t a telescope.

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Click on pictures for bigger views of Sandra

Marcie

Marcie was the quiet, bashful model in the studio. We have no idea what she might have been thinking when she came face-to-face with Rip and his dangling noodle. But her smile seemed to indicate that she enjoyed his birthday-suit ~~shame~~ fame.

Photo by Amy Minnick

Above, the ladies (left to right: Marcie, Sara, and Sandra) try not to check out Rip’s none-too-impressive sex organ as he serves them wine

Says Rip, “Mostly, the girls tried not to let me catch them staring at my crotch. They would sneak peeks when they thought I wasn’t looking. I did catch Sara having a look once or twice. They all had to stifle giggles.”

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Moral of the story: We asked Rip if this photo shoot, featuring naked him and four clothed women, was a humiliating experience. “OK, it wasn’t exactly a Playgirl centerfold shoot,” he said. “But hey, how many guys can say they spent three hours on a Saturday afternoon with four chicks ogling their junk?”

A very good point.

Alas, Rip did not get a piece of ass from these ladies. The girls did, however, enjoy emasculating him.

**

Hats off (pants off?) to Amy Minnick, the woman who took the, uh, interesting black-and-white photos. Not only did the lens on her camera not shatter, but she endured hours of close scrutiny of Rip’s hairy cock and balls. We’re guessing that, outside of Rip himself (and his ex-wife), no one has spent more time staring at his twig and berries than Amy has.

Then again, who knows? Maybe she enjoyed it. Amy is pictured below.

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From Thought Catalog:

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Part 2

In Part 2, Rip has his dick measured by a Minnesota model and confesses his penis-pageant participation to sexy gal-pal Michele. Featuring video clips. Click here to go to Part 2.

26Nov

Backstage at the Small-Penis Pageant

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Web | 2 Comments

(Click on any picture for a larger view)

We were curious about the backstage antics at Brooklyn’s annual small-penis pageant, and so we turned to two-time contestant Rip van Dinkle (above, at the 2015 contest) for some answers to our questions – and we had quite a few of them. Who, for example, is allowed in the contestants’ dressing room? Do participants suffer from pre-pageant jitters, or from the sudden realization that one’s penis will soon be on display for hundreds of boisterous women? Does Rip have bedroom fantasies about the women who saw (and judged) him in his birthday suit?

Grouchy Editor – Tell us about the scene in your dressing area before the pageants. Are women allowed in there?

Rip Van Dinkle – Oh, man, aside from the contestants, it’s all women backstage. Some of them are supposed to be there, like the pageant organizers and media people who are there for interviews. But there are some people who just wander in, with no real reason for being there except, I suppose, to ogle us. But there were also a few naked women backstage. In the first pageant, “Cherry Pitz” [Editor’s note: burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman] was in the show, and she stripped down to a black thong – and nothing up top – right in front of me. I believe she was 49 at the time, and married, and looking hot. There was also a female musician parading around topless during the pageant this year.

One of the judges, Kate Hakala, kept walking into the room while we were dressing. She had no real reason to be down there, other than to check us out in the nude, I guess. I read the story she wrote about judging the pageant, and it seemed like she was very much on the prowl for small dicks. I guess she decided to see more of us than she was seeing on the stage.

GE – Tell us about the media. It reminds us of female reporters in the men’s locker room at professional sporting events, which was quite controversial.

RVD – They say you have to be brassy to be a good reporter, and that was certainly true of the ballsy bunch I saw in the dressing area. A reporter from Gawker [Editor’s note: Victor Jeffreys II], one of the few male reporters, drew me aside to ask questions. At some point, I glanced down and saw that he was holding his cell-phone camera in front of my groin; he’d been taking close-up pictures during the interview. That kind of pissed me off, but he certainly got what he wanted. I checked out his story in Gawker and there were all these shots of my junk in huge close-up, including shots he took later when the judges were measuring our cocks on stage.

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Gawker published these intimate pictures of Rip submitting to penis-measurements by judges Cyndi Freeman, left, and Aimee Arciuolo, center. At right, one of Jeffreys’ surreptitious crotch shots.

A female photographer at the first pageant spotted me sitting alone, drinking a Coke, and asked if she could take pictures. I said sure and brushed my hair a bit, but that was unnecessary because she wasn’t interested in my hair. She just kind of leaned over and stuck her camera between my thighs and began taking pictures. I should mention that I wasn’t completely naked; I was wearing one of those tuxedo thongs. But she and the Gawker guy were there to get pictures of our genitals and by God that’s what they got.

GE – You mentioned the foreign press …

RVD – Oh yes. There was this gorgeous reporter from Brazil, Anna something [Editor’s note: Anna Gabriela Ribeiro], and she came up to ask me questions. One thing almost every interviewer asks me is, “How small is your penis?” She didn’t ask me that, which I thought was kind of odd until I realized what I was wearing. We didn’t have mirrors to look at ourselves backstage, and this was our first costume, which I thought covered us up. I was wrong. It was black underwear but with a see-thru patch right over the genitals, so this girl had a clear view of my twig and berries, dangling just inches below her notepad. She would have no trouble describing my shortcomings for her readers. It might also have explained the smile on her face while she was interviewing me. She also took pictures during the show. Several of them popped up on Spanish-language Web sites.

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Ribeiro and what she saw while interviewing Rip

GE – OK, enough about journalists. Who else was in the dressing room?

RVD – At both pageants, Aimee Arciuolo was there helping us adjust our costumes. She was the creator of the pageant and had a hand in designing the costumes. She wanted us as exposed as possible, and told me before the first pageant that our underwear would be as transparent as plastic wrap. For the 2015 pageant, Bobbie Chaset pretty much took over managing duties, so she was always around. Legally, we weren’t supposed to get completely naked during the show, but I discussed flashing the audience with Bobbie beforehand and she encouraged me to do it. So I did.

GE – Anyone else backstage?

RVD – There were the “penis kittens,” of course. They had various duties, but mostly they just had to look cute. Some of them, I think, used Super Soakers to wet our crotches before the penis measuring.

“Penis Kittens” from left to right: Racheal, Audrey, Amanda

GE – We should come clean here. We really aren’t interested in hearing any more about your experiences at the pageant. What we really wanted to do was find an excuse to run pictures of some of the good-looking women associated with the contest. We wanted to turn the tables on some of the females who ogled you guys. We’d love your comments on these pictures.

RVD – Excellent. Let’s do it.

GE – We’d also like you to give us a favorite sex fantasy about each of them.

RVD – That sounds sexist. Count me in.

**

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” – Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet, New York Post

The Leering Ladies

Pageant creator/manager/judge Aimee Arciuolo

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RVD – Aimee has a great rack and nice legs. I guess she could relate to us guys in the pageant since she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, herself. Until I saw these pictures, I had no idea she let her tits hang out in public. Great-looking tits, blue or any other color.

Aimee told Gothamist that she and her friends discussed ways to make us get erections during the pageant, I suppose so they could measure us limp-dicked and also with boners. Aimee really wanted to give the females in the bar a good show. She was upset that a city ordinance wouldn’t let us show cock, so she and her mother designed “penis tuxedoes” so that our balls hung out for all to see.

But I was game for anything at the pageant. If Aimee had said to me, “Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?” I would have said to her, “Yes, ma’am. If that’s what you want, no problem.” Humiliating, I suppose, but I’m sure she would have loved that.

“If Aimee had said to me, ‘Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?’ I would have said to her, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

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Rip: “For a woman who claims to favor small dicks, Aimee looks pretty pleased to see Flo Rida’s big pecker.”

RVD – These screen caps and the video below are from the first pageant. A guy calling himself Flo Rida broke the rules and flashed his dick. I’m pretty sure this kind of rule-breaking pleased Aimee, even though she acts shocked in these pictures.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: She’s kind of a show-off, so I’d love to do her doggie-style on stage. At a biker bar. Hey – remember, this is the girl who put me through the indignity of measuring my penis on stage in front of a bar full of women. With cameras.

In the video above, Cyndi (big wig) and Aimee measure little manhoods on stage. Rip is the contestant in the middle.

*****

Bartender/manager Bobbie Chaset

Rip is interviewed by Rolling Stone while Bobbie Chaset, right, looks on

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RVD – These pictures surprise me. They must be some years old. I thought Bobbie was too reserved to dress in such a sexy costume and in such “fuck me” poses. Also, are those panties see-thru? Looks to me like some pussy hair poking through, but that could be my wishful thinking.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Those pictures remind me of bondage. It would be fun to tie her up, put a gag in her mouth, and do her on stage. At a biker bar.

*****

Journalist Anna Gabriela Ribeiro

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RVD – After she interviewed me, she took a bunch of pictures during the contest. They were published on South American Web sites, but I noticed my crotch was “black barred” in them.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Probably we’d do a scene for a Brazilian porno flick. Does Brazil have porno flicks?

*****

“Penis Kittens” Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk, Racheal Selles-Czuk

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Left to right: Racheal Selles-Czuk, Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk

RVD – Honestly, I’m not sure what they did. I believe they were supposed to hose our crotches with Super Soakers, but it was too chaotic to notice who was squirting what. Cute girls, though. Look at Amanda – doesn’t she look like some glamorous 1940s film star?

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Racheal and Audrey are sisters, so of course we’d have a threesome. Amanda has kind of that classic, movie-star look, so I’d do her classic missionary-style. At a biker bar.

*****

Burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman

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RVD – Looks pretty good for 50, doesn’t she? I guess she has a very understanding husband, since she spends so much time parading around half-naked in front of other men. She struck me as one horny lady. During the second pageant, which I did not attend, she basically dry humped a contestant who, from the look of the pictures, was wearing only a shirt – no underwear. In other words, Cyndi in her thong grinding pussy against his genitals. [Editor’s note: See GIF at bottom] She also seems to enjoy eyeballing Flo Rida’s big prick in the pictures [above and below]. And she was one of the judges who measured my manhood on stage.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: I think she’s kinky, so I’d have her down on her knees, giving me head while her husband watches. By the way, Cyndi once did a soft-core TV show for Showtime. It has Cyndi tits, Cyndi ass, Cyndi getting groped and fucked by a sleazy dude – check it out.

*****

Gawker reporter Victor Jeffreys II

RVD – Annoying dude, but he was there for dick pics and he got them – especially mine. [Editor’s note: That’s Jeffreys below the yellow arrow in the picture, watching Dinkle get measured.]

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Go fuck yourself. Although there is a scene in Deliverance that comes to mind.

*****

Judges Natalie Shure, Kate Hakala, Krystyna Hutchinson

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Left to right, judges Shure, Hakala, Hutchinson

RVD – The brunette, Krystyna Hutchinson, was super hot. The other brunette in the glasses looks hot in her picture, but what you can’t tell from it is that she is a very big girl. Big everywhere. Not my cup of tea. The last judge, Kate Hakala, wrote an article for Mic and bragged about having “evaluated cock constantly.” I guess now she can add mine to her checklist.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: Krystyna, anal sex. Natalie, boob sex. Kate, I’d have to see how she evaluated my cock on her list.

The 2015 judges were unimpressed by Rip’s puny pecker, pictured above. After finishing in second place at the 2013 pageant, Rip and his (normally) 1.5-inch penis experienced shrinkage, demoted to fourth place by the prick-analyzing female judges.

*****

Gothamist photographer Melanie Rieders

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Rieders enjoys hanging with big dicks (far right) as well as wee ones

RVD – This girl Melanie probably captured the most explicit shot of my wiener (below). I was surprised to see it posted on Gothamist, which is a fairly mainstream Web site, because her photo doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. From the stage, I didn’t notice her, but she must have been in the front row and prepared for my flash, because I didn’t have my bathrobe open for more than a few seconds.

Photo by Melanie Rieders

Rieders in the crowd, moments after capturing a shot of Rip’s dick

Rip’s Sex Fantasy: I looked her up on the Web and discovered a bikini shot of her (below). My God, does she have a humpable, pumpable little ass, or what? I’m thinking I’d do her doggie-style, right there on that raft. Guys like me aren’t built for big-bottomed girls, because we have to make it past all that butt cheek, but Melanie’s perky bubble butt? I’m thinking I could squeeze into that.

*****

Cyndi Freeman, aka Cherry Pitz, dry humps a bare-bottomed contestant

To read more about Rip’s adventures at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, click here or here.

19Sep

The Weekly Review: September 13 – 19

Posted in Weekly Reviews | Leave a comment

“Is that a peanut in your pocket … or are you not happy to see me?”

She’s a journalist and she knows you have a small penis … what could possibly go wrong? (See below.)

*****

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“Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?” – Donald Trump ridiculing presidential candidate Carly Fiorina.

Sadly, we do seem to elect presidents in much the same way that we select homecoming kings and queens – appearances matter. In that superficial spirit, here are the physical and/or personal deficits of our illustrious candidates:

Chris Christie – The fat boy
Ben Carson – The mumbler
Rand Paul – The daddy’s boy
Marco Rubio – Too young to buy beer
Jeb Bush – Another Bush
Mike Huckabee – The reverend in Footloose
Rick Santorum – The reverend in Footloose
Bernie Sanders – Mr. Magoo
Hillary Clinton – Mrs. Howell
Bobby Jindal – Lighter-skinned Urkel
Lindsey Graham – Gay Frank Underwood – or is that redundant?
Scott Walker – Who?
Ted Cruz – Young Mr. Burns
Donald Trump – The frat boy
Carly Fiorina – Mr. Ed

*****

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Small-penis bashers “Somali Rose,” left, and TV pundit Amy Holmes

Kings County Saloon is closing its doors for good on Sept. 27. Kings, of course, is home to the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. This is probably disappointing news for women like WCCO anchor Liz Collin (top of page and below right with Rip van Dinkle), who was pleased to meet pageant contestant Dinkle. When Dinkle gave Liz his penis-pageant business card, she seemed starstruck, gushing to Rip: “I heard about this!”

While Collin was tickled by Rip and the contest for miniscule members, other talking heads were not so kind. The following is a recent Twitter exchange between conservative pundit Amy Holmes and “Somali Rose” after Holmes shared a link to Gothamist’s penis-pageant pictures, including the shot of Dinkle above left:

17Aug

The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Web | 7 Comments

The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant: Is it a courageous stand against body shaming, as the pageant managers would have us believe … or is it simply a splashy opportunity to objectify and sexually humiliate men?

We analyzed media coverage of the SPB to advance our theory that the contest is a clever ploy by women to dish out to men a taste of their own medicine. What do ladies really think about men with puny peckers? Here is an excerpt from an article by feminist writer Kristina Hansen:

“Men are often ridiculed by women if their penis does not meet a certain length when erect. I’ve personally heard many women, on many occasions, discussing their ex-partners penises and making fun of how small, tiny, or thin they were. How fucking his pinky toe would have been more pleasurable, or how they literally laughed in the guy’s face when they saw it for the first time.

These women enjoy shaming those men amongst others and cackling over hot cups of coffee in public coffee shops where anyone nearby can clearly hear what they are talking about. In fact, they enjoy knowing that others are hearing them and that the men they are shaming are not just confined to their table.”

**

So, you’re a female journalist and you’ve been assigned to cover The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. You are aware that penis size is a sensitive issue for most men. How do you approach this pageant about male private parts?

We think most women regard this annual parade of small cocks as a curiosity and a lark. Many of them delight in the public unveiling of diminutive dicks — and the implied inadequacy of the men who own them. SPB’s display of mini-manhoods makes women all warm and fuzzy between the legs, because it confirms their belief that in the battle of the sexes, vaginas rule.

THE HEADLINES

Serena Dai of DNAinfo alerted readers to the exploitative nature of the pageant, and drove the point home on her Twitter page:

(For the record, contestant penises were not measured at the 2015 pageant. Also for the record, contestant penises were measured at the 2013 pageant, as pictured below.)

In what might have been the pageant’s most debasing moment, contestant “Rip van Dinkle” submitted to having his penis measured by judge Aimee Arciuolo in front of a crowd of hooting and laughing women, many of whom took pictures of the scene. In the picture above, pageant honcho Arciuolo uses a retractable ruler to measure his manhood for the crowd’s entertainment. Van Dinkle said that contestants were not informed ahead of time that this intimate event would occur in full view of the audience: “I was standing on the bar when I felt something rubbing against my penis. I looked down and there was Aimee, a big grin on her face, carefully measuring my penis with her ruler. The atmosphere was like a drunken sorority party, so I just let her do it. I had no idea there were so many people taking pictures. It wasn’t until I saw the pictures on the Internet that I noticed that Cyndi [Freeman] had also measured us.”

THE WRITERS

Callie Beusman in Jezebel:

“The small penis is a running joke in our culture.”

“Everyone bided their time by talkin’ about dicks, by speculating idly about whose penises we were going to behold.”

“Let’s see some small dicks!”

“Photographers were snapping with wild abandon. I tried to take a picture and someone with a stupid hat got in the way.”

“All the penises were pretty small – I think I would be remiss to not mention that.”

“What is it about the spectacle of a tiny penis that was so very compelling? I glanced out the door and saw that people were lined up on the street, peering in with curiosity, because the bar was over capacity.”

“The small penis is a running joke in our culture.”

“The confidence required to strut around, nearly completely naked, fully aware that your penis is completely unimpressive, seems impossible to muster.”

“It basically goes without saying that an event like this is compelling because of cheap beer and dicks in little tuxedos.”

**

Melissa Noble in The Blot Magazine:

“When genetics gifts you with a three-inch penis, you step into a sheer thong.”

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When genetics gifts you with a three-inch penis, you step into a sheer thong and compete for a cash prize in Bushwick, Brooklyn.”

“The contest practices an open admission policy for any guy who’d like bragging rights and interesting Google search results for the rest of his virile life.”

**

Melissa Goldin in The Brooklyn Paper:

“Six short-membered men put their small schmeckles to the test.”

“Six short-membered men defied a cultural trend and put their small schmeckles to the test.”

“None of them were a big deal, and that was the cringe-worthy point.”

**

Danielle Furfaro in The Brooklyn Paper:

“Men with puny peckers … five guys and their miniscule members faced off.”

**

Jodie Layne in Bustle:

“There’s a special kind of universal disdain that borders on hatred for those with small dicks.”

**

Alexa Lyons in COED:

“Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a bar?”

“Over 100 microscopic penises [sic] gathered in Brooklyn this past weekend to compete for the title of most sexually incompetent. Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a Star Wars-themed bar?”

**

Rose Surnow in Cosmopolitan:

“Judges measured their privates. It was truly a tiny affair.”

“All the men lined up on the bar wearing only sheer loin-cloths while the judges measured their privates. Staying in the 1-3 inch range, it was truly a tiny affair.”

“A group of blond girls calling themselves Penis Kittens sprayed the boys with cold water just to make sure nobody got excited.”

**

EJ Dickson in The Daily Dot:

“He suffered the dual shame of making a fool of himself and revealing to the world that he had a small penis.”

“Parading a bunch of tiny-phallused exhibitionists onstage for the amusement of inebriated hipsters might sound at best exploitative and at worst cruel.”

“When I ask if they would ever date someone who won a Small Penis competition, a group of women who had purchased VIP tickets laughs uproariously.”

“While small penises have recently enjoyed some extra attention, there’s still an obvious stigma associated with them.”

“If being subject to mockery or sexual humiliation isn’t the impetus for entering a small penis contest, what, then, could it be?”

“When his photos surfaced online, his friends in France recognized him and mocked him mercilessly … he suffered the dual shame of making a drunken fool of himself and revealing to the world that he had a small penis.”

“ ‘Come on, I wanna see small dick!’ a girl in a crop top yelled.”

**

Serena Dai in DNAinfo:

“Audience members kept asking to know the actual numerical size of the participants. This year’s event will show the men in all their glory.”

“Kings County Saloon’s third annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant next month will be measuring contestants’ length on stage. Rules about showing too much prevented the bar from allowing contestants to bare all in the past, but audience members kept asking to know the actual numerical size of the participants.

“This year’s event will offer costumes that will show the men in all their glory.”

**

Nikki Gloudeman in Ravishly:

“I admit to laughing with girlfriends more than once over penis size.”

**

Annie Georgia Greenberg in Refinery29:

“When we heard about the Smallest Penis Contest, we giggled.”

“When we heard about Kings County Bar’s first annual Smallest Penis Contest, we: 1. giggled, 2. got a little uncomfortable.”

“Spraying water guns at tighty whities or encouraging nudity in order to show off controversial bits seems to place a fundamentally questionable gaze (and therefore some sort of judgment) on a body part usually reserved for intimate moments.”

**

Meg Favreau in someecards:

“Some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages.”

“Instead of being ashamed of their wee wanks, some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages.”

“One dude, going by the name Rip van Dinkle, even traveled to Brooklyn just for the pageant. I guess that’s similar to how people travel … for American Idol tryouts, but your dick doesn’t get to be part of a nationally televised singing contest.”

**

Rachel Khona

“We came to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them off.”

**

Justine Goodman in Maxim:

“Do you have a small pecker?”

“Do you have a small pecker?”

“If you are in possession of a small wang, you owe it to yourself to enter; if only because this may be your only chance to meet girls who are game for a romp.”

“If you suffer from such an affliction, you’ve probably honed your other skills in the bedroom as a means of compensating for your, um, shortcomings.”

“If your schlong ain’t long AND you’re lazy in the sack, that’s called being a huge dick; not having one.”

“It takes massive balls to admit you have the smallest penis.”

**

Johanna King-Slutzky in Nerve:

“Eyeballing it, I’d guess nobody’s junk was over two inches.”

“Eyeballing it, I’d guess nobody’s junk was over two inches. Also of note, the tuxes didn’t cover any balls.”

“This time, the suit covers their balls; everyone’s junk looks just a little bit larger.”

**

Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet in the New York Post:

“Six cocky contestants showed off their Slim Jims … for a chance at gherkin-size glory.”

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.”

“Gilronan was crowned the ‘wiener’ with his mighty three-incher.”

**

Blogger Alicia

“If you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, the bar owners would make a shit load of money.”

New York writer Alicia asked Rip van Dinkle the following questions for a column on her Web site:

When did you realize you had a small penis?

Is your penis technically a micro penis?

Did women ever mention your small penis? What did they say?

Did boys in the locker room at school/camp notice your small penis?

Is this a fun event? Is it more about humiliation?

Have you gotten any dates because of your small penis?

What’s the best part of having a small penis? And the worst?

For an insider’s view of The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, check out The Playboy Interview: Rip van Dinkle.

THE PHOTOGRAPHERS

Drunken girls with cellphone cameras weren’t the only ones snapping pictures of small dick at SPB. The professionals were on hand, including the women pictured below with their revealing shots of van Dinkle (click on the photos for full size).

Bobbie Chaset, aware of van Dinkle’s intention to flash the crowd, possibly alerted photographers, most of whom were armed and ready to capture the money shot.

Melanie Rieders

Photo by Melanie Rieders, Gothamist

Lauren Spinelli

Photo by Lauren Spinelli, Time Out New York

Bek Andersen

Photo by Bek Andersen, Cosmopolitan

THE JUDGES

Natalie Shure

“Now let’s tear up some dongs.”

**

Krystyna Hutchinson

“You could have a tiny dick and be a craftsman with your finger or your tongue.”

**

THE DICK WRANGLERS

Aimee Arciuolo and Bobbie Chaset

How do you get a man to pull down his pants in front of a bar full of hooting, picture-snapping women? You know, and he knows, that exposing his tiny manhood to public scrutiny is an invitation to ridicule and humiliation.

If you are pageant masterminds Aimee Arciuolo and Bobbie Chaset, how do you convince these guys to submit to a well-publicized emasculation? Try flattery. Then try it again. And downplay the humiliating aspects of his coming-out party. The tactic worked twice on Rip van Dinkle.

Bobbie Chaset

“Next year I am putting $100 of my own personal funds to get you out here.”

“Your penis will not ever be completely nude because of legality issues. I totally understand being nervous but honestly it is a lot more fun than you might expect!” – Bobbie to Rip in an early e-mail

Dinkle: If I was going to pay to attend a small-penis pageant, I would feel ripped off if I only saw big ones. Hopefully, I will not get cold feet and will correct that injustice at the end of my rap.

Chaset: Yes!!! Just remember everyone’s very excited to have you back including the press. Aimee and I have a lot of scheduled interviews! We’re mentioning you in all of them so I hope your name gets in the press soon!

Dinkle: When you have a small-penis pageant, small penises will be mocked …

Chaset: True!

Bobbie’s interview on Drew & Marc, a Detroit radio program:

D&M: Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?

Chaset: If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.

Chaset: We are not actually showing the penis. The balls are out, but we do not show the penis. That is up to the contestant to flash us illegally if he wants to, which did happen last year, but technically none of us see the actual penis. You know, we make materials that are snug enough that we can kind of get an idea of what’s going on. Plus they have the swimwear competition where we wet them down with Super Soakers, so.

D&M: So the law is you can show the balls but you just can’t show the penis?

Chaset: Correct.

Chaset: In the swimsuit competition the Penis Kittens spray them down with Super Soakers.

D&M: So they are the opposite of fluffers.

Chaset: Yes.

D&M: The penis shrinkers.

Chaset: (giggles)

**

Aimee Arciuolo

“Our female friends are so excited.”

Kristina Hansen

“These women enjoy shaming men amongst others in public where anyone nearby can clearly hear what they are talking about. In fact, they enjoy knowing that others are hearing them [talk about] the men they are shaming.” — Hansen

“Our straight male friends have told me this is the worst idea ever, eyes rolling, huffy, puffy and insulted. Our female friends and regulars are so excited.” — Arciuolo

“Although it’s true that much of the pageant was a light-hearted, “feel good” event, there were also elements of sexual humiliation. During one portion of the pageant I was made to stand on a bar, wear a see-through loincloth, get hosed in the crotch by “penis kittens” wielding squirt guns, and then have my manhood measured by two women with rulers while the crowd watched and took pictures. By the next day, there were dozens of close-up photos of my two-inch penis getting measured by these smiling women, which were then posted on sites all over the Internet. Oh, and my face is clearly visible in many of the pictures. If you read the comments that accompany the stories and pictures from the pageant, it’s pretty obvious that a good portion of people were into the humiliation aspect, rather than the “feel good” aspect.” – van Dinkle on Alicia’s blog.