Tagged: small penis humiliation

It turns out that the ladies Down Under were curious about what Rip van Dinkle was hiding down under, so in 2013 he wrote this confessional for Australia’s Women’s Health & Fitness magazine. Click on any page (maybe twice, depending on your browser) for a magnified view.

 

 

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Using the pseudonym “J.D. Hawkens” (long story), Rip van Dinkle penned the following article for Maxim about the inaugural Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in 2013:

 

 

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The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by pubicly publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.

So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?

 

 

Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?

 

 

Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?

(Click on pictures for a larger view)

 

 

 

 

Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:


 

“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”

Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.

 

 

Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.

“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here) and Alicia (click here), too.”

 

 

 

From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:

 

 

On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.

 

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

 

August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:

“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”

 

Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”

Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:

 

 

 

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**

 

 

 

The Practical Joke

 

Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).

Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.

“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”

 

Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:

 

 

 

 

Kevyn Burger:  “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”

 

 Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)

 

KB:  “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”

KB:  “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”

Gal Pals:  “Yes!”

Gal Pal 2:  “I just about died.”

KB:  “He looks pretty proud.”

Gal Pal 2:  “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”

KB:  “And nothing else!”

Gal Pal 1:  “And nothing else.”

Gal Pal 2:  “Just his birthday suit.”

KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”

Gal Pal 2:  “We see everything else.” (laughter)

Gal Pal 1:  “I think we can see the identifying marks.”

 

**

 

 

 

Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:

 

 

 

**

 

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Rip was interviewed by Zoe Lillian (above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.

Zoe got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.

Zoe told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:

“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’” 

Zoe went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:

“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Zoe said.

Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:

 

 

Zoe continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”

Says Rip: “Zoe Lillian gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when she accidentally sent me an e-mail intended for Heidegger. She seemed quite excited about talking to a guy with a small wiener.”

 

 

grouchyeditor.com Zoe

 

 

Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”

Below, Nicoletta (left) and Zoe (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.

 

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Zoe:

“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?” 

 

Nicoletta:

“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”

“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”

“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”

 

*

 

One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.

 

 

 

 

Listen to the full podcast below:

 

**

 

 

 

Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:

 

Marlena: How many women have you had sex with?

Marlena: Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?

Marlena: How wide is your penis?

Marlena: Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?

Marlena: How does having a small penis affect your life?

Rip:  Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.

Marlena: I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.

 

 

Marlena: Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?

 

Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.

You can read Marlena’s interview with Rip by clicking here.

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.

 

 

Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.

After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.

 

**

 

I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick

 

 

“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook

 

You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone

 

**

 

Photo (Shop) Fun!

 

 

 Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view

 

 Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize

 

 Rip’s dinghy approaches the anchor

 

 

Above, Rip. Below left, certainly not Rip. Below right, not Rip but probably could be.

 

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(Click on any picture for a larger view)

 

We were curious about the backstage antics at Brooklyn’s annual small-penis pageant, and so we turned to two-time contestant Rip van Dinkle (above, at the 2015 contest) for some answers to our questions – and we had quite a few of them. Who, for example, is allowed in the contestants’ dressing room? Do participants suffer from pre-pageant jitters, or from the sudden realization that one’s penis will soon be on display for hundreds of boisterous women? Does Rip have bedroom fantasies about the women who saw (and judged) him in his birthday suit?

 

Grouchy Editor – Tell us about the scene in your dressing area before the pageants. Are women allowed in there?

Rip Van Dinkle – Oh, man, aside from the contestants, it’s all women backstage. Some of them are supposed to be there, like the pageant organizers and media people who are there for interviews. But there are some people who just wander in, with no real reason for being there except, I suppose, to ogle us. But there were also a few naked women backstage. In the first pageant, “Cherry Pitz” [Editor’s note: burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman] was in the show, and she stripped down to a black thong – and nothing up top – right in front of me.  I believe she was 49 at the time, and married, and looking hot. There was also a female musician parading around topless during the pageant this year.

GE – Tell us about the media.  It reminds us of female reporters in the men’s locker room at professional sporting events, which was quite controversial.

RVD – They say you have to be brassy to be a good reporter, and that was certainly true of the ballsy bunch I saw in the dressing area. A reporter from Gawker [Editor’s note: Victor Jeffreys II], one of the few male reporters, drew me aside to ask questions. At some point, I glanced down and saw that he was holding his cell-phone camera in front of my groin; he’d been taking close-up pictures during the interview. That kind of pissed me off, but he certainly got what he wanted. I checked out his story in Gawker and there were all these shots of my junk in huge close-up, including shots he took later when the judges were measuring our cocks on stage.

 

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Gawker published these intimate pictures of Rip submitting to penis-measurements by judges Cyndi Freeman, left, and Aimee Arciuolo, center.  At right, one of Jeffreys’ surreptitious crotch shots.

 

A female photographer at the first pageant spotted me sitting alone, drinking a Coke, and asked if she could take pictures. I said sure and brushed my hair a bit, but that was unnecessary because she wasn’t interested in my hair. She just kind of leaned over and stuck her camera between my thighs and began taking pictures. I should mention that I wasn’t completely naked; I was wearing one of those tuxedo thongs. But she and the Gawker guy were there to get pictures of our genitals and by God that’s what they got.

GE – You mentioned the foreign press …

RVD – Oh yes.  There was this gorgeous reporter from Brazil, Anna something [Editor’s note: Anna Gabriela Ribeiro], and she came up to ask me questions. One thing almost every interviewer asks me is, “How small is your penis?” She didn’t ask me that, which I thought was kind of odd until I realized what I was wearing. We didn’t have mirrors to look at ourselves backstage, and this was our first costume, which I thought covered us up. I was wrong. It was black underwear but with a see-thru patch right over the genitals, so this girl had a clear view of my twig and berries, dangling just inches below her notepad. She would have no trouble describing my shortcomings for her readers. It might also have explained the smile on her face while she was interviewing me. She also took pictures during the show. Several of them popped up on Spanish-language Web sites.

 

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Ribeiro and her view while interviewing Rip

 

GE – OK, enough about journalists. Who else was in the dressing room?

RVD – At both pageants, Aimee Arciuolo was there helping us adjust our costumes. She was the creator of the pageant and had a hand in designing the costumes.  She wanted us as exposed as possible, and told me before the first pageant that our underwear would be as transparent as plastic wrap. For the 2015 pageant, Bobbie Chaset pretty much took over managing duties, so she was always around. Legally, we weren’t supposed to get completely naked during the show, but I discussed flashing the audience with Bobbie beforehand and she encouraged me to do it. So I did.

GE – Anyone else backstage?

RVD – There were the “penis kittens,” of course. They had various duties, but mostly they just had to look cute. Some of them, I think, used Super Soakers to wet our crotches before the penis measuring.

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“Penis Kittens” from left to right: Racheal, Audrey, Amanda

 

GE – We should come clean here. We really aren’t interested in hearing any more about your experiences at the pageant. What we really wanted to do was find an excuse to run pictures of some of the good-looking women associated with the contest. We wanted to turn the tables on some of the females who ogled you guys. We’d love your comments on these pictures.

RVD – Excellent. Let’s do it.

GE – We’d also like you to give us a favorite sex fantasy about each of them.

RVD – That sounds sexist. Count me in.

 

**

 

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet, New York Post

 

montage

 

 

The Leering Ladies

 

Pageant creator/manager/judge Aimee Arciuolo

 

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RVD – Aimee has a great rack and nice legs. I guess she could relate to us guys in the pageant since she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, herself. Until I saw these pictures, I had no idea she let her tits hang out in public. Great-looking tits, blue or any other color.

Aimee told Gothamist that she and her friends discussed ways to make us get erections during the pageant, I suppose so they could measure us limp-dicked and also with boners. Aimee really wanted to give the females in the bar a good show. She was upset that a city ordinance wouldn’t let us show cock, so she and her mother designed “penis tuxedoes” so that our balls hung out for all to see.

But I was game for anything at the pageant. If Aimee had said to me, “Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?” I would have said to her, “Yes, ma’am. If that’s what you want, no problem.” Humiliating, I suppose, but I’m sure she would have loved that.

 

“If Aimee had said to me, ‘Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?’ I would have said to her, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

 

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Rip: “For a woman who claims to favor small dicks, Aimee looks pretty pleased to see Flo Rida’s big pecker.”

 

RVD – These screen caps and the video below are from the first pageant. A guy calling himself Flo Rida broke the rules and flashed his dick. I’m pretty sure this kind of rule-breaking pleased Aimee, even though she acts shocked in these pictures.

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  She’s kind of a show-off, so I’d love to do her doggie-style on stage. At a biker bar. Hey – remember, this is the girl who put me through the indignity of measuring my penis on stage in front of a bar full of women. With cameras.

 

In the video above, Cyndi (big wig) and Aimee measure little manhoods on stage. Rip is the contestant in the middle.

 

*****

 

Bartender/manager Bobbie Chaset

 

Stage19

Rip is interviewed by Rolling Stone while Bobbie Chaset, right, looks on

 

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RVD – These pictures surprise me. They must be some years old. I thought Bobbie was too reserved to dress in such a sexy costume and in such “fuck me” poses. Also, are those panties see-thru? Looks to me like some pussy hair poking through, but that could be my wishful thinking.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Those pictures remind me of bondage. It would be fun to tie her up, put a gag in her mouth, and do her on stage. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Journalist Anna Gabriela Ribeiro

 

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RVD – After she interviewed me, she took a bunch of pictures during the contest. They were published on South American Web sites, but I noticed my crotch was “black barred” in them.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Probably we’d do a scene for a Brazilian porno flick. Does Brazil have porno flicks?

 

*****

 

“Penis Kittens” Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk, Racheal Selles-Czuk

 

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Left to right: Racheal Selles-Czuk, Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk

 

RVD – Honestly, I’m not sure what they did. I believe they were supposed to hose our crotches with Super Soakers, but it was too chaotic to notice who was squirting what. Cute girls, though. Look at Amanda – doesn’t she look like some glamorous 1940s film star?

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Racheal and Audrey are sisters, so of course we’d have a threesome. Amanda has kind of that classic, movie-star look, so I’d do her classic missionary-style. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman

 

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RVD – Looks pretty good for 50, doesn’t she? I guess she has a very understanding husband, since she spends so much time parading around half-naked in front of other men. She struck me as one horny lady. During the second pageant, which I did not attend, she basically dry humped a contestant who, from the look of the pictures, was wearing only a shirt – no underwear. In other words, Cyndi in her thong grinding pussy against his genitals. [Editor’s note: See GIF at bottom] She also seems to enjoy eyeballing Flo Rida’s big prick in the pictures [above and below]. And she was one of the judges who measured my manhood on stage.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cyndi Freeman

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I think she’s kinky, so I’d have her down on her knees, giving me head while her husband watches. By the way, Cyndi once did a soft-core TV show for Showtime. It has Cyndi tits, Cyndi ass, Cyndi getting fucked by a sleazy dude – check it out.

 

 

*****

 

Gawker reporter Victor Jeffreys II

 

Stage35

 

RVD – Annoying dude, but he was there for dick pics and he got them – especially mine. [Editor’s note: That’s Jeffreys below the yellow arrow in the picture, watching Dinkle get measured.]

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Go fuck yourself. Although there is a scene in Deliverance that comes to mind.

 

*****

 

Judges

 

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Left to right, judges Natalie Shure, Krystyna Hutchinson

 

RVD – The brunette, Krystyna Hutchinson, was super hot. The one in the glasses looks hot in her picture, but what you can’t tell from it is that she is a very big girl. Big everywhere. Not my cup of tea.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Krystyna, anal sex. Natalie, boob sex.

 

Stage39

 

The 2015 judges were unimpressed by Rip’s puny pecker, pictured above. After finishing in second place at the 2013 pageant, Rip and his (normally) 1.75-inch penis experienced shrinkage, demoted to fourth place by Shure and Hutchinson.

 

*****

 

Gothamist photographer Melanie Rieders

 

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Rieders enjoys hanging with big dicks (far right) as well as wee ones

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 

RVD – This girl Melanie probably captured the most explicit shot of my wiener (below). I was surprised to see it posted on Gothamist, which is a fairly mainstream Web site, because her photo doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. From the stage, I didn’t notice her, but she must have been in the front row and prepared for my flash, because I didn’t have my bathrobe open for more than a few seconds.

 

Rieders5

Photo by Melanie Rieders

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 Rieders in the crowd, moments after capturing a shot of Rip’s dick

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I looked her up on the Web and discovered a bikini shot of her (below). My God, does she have a humpable, pumpable little ass, or what? I’m thinking I’d do her doggie-style, right there on that raft. Guys like me aren’t built for big-bottomed girls, because we have to make it past all that butt cheek, but Melanie’s perky bubble butt? I’m thinking I could squeeze into that.

 

Rieders4

 

 *****

 

Stage40

Cyndi Freeman, aka Cherry Pitz, dry humps a bare-bottomed contestant

 

To read more about Rip’s adventures at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, click here or here.

 

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