Tagged: Rip van Dinkle

We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Hybristophilia.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

Hybristophilia

 

 

If you watch a lot of movies () and have an eye for nude scenes (), you’ll probably notice a cinematic fact of life – at least with low-budget productions:  The more nudity in the movie, the greater the likelihood that the actresses can’t, well, act. Or can’t act well. Starlets who do extensive nudity do not generally go on to win Oscars. I mean, watch something like H.O.T.S. and tell me how impressed you were by the actors’ emotional range.

At least that’s how it used to be. Increasingly, the line between girls-who-do and girls-who-won’t has blurred.  These days even the actresses who do win Oscars bare it all at some point in their careers.

I mention all of this because our most recent screener begins with a naked make-out session between two actresses which did not remind me of H.O.T.S. (Sorry, I seem to have that 1979 T&A bonanza on my brain).

The opener of Hybristophilia certainly caught my attention.

And so did the final scene of the movie, which frankly knocked me for a loop. It was as if Scorsese or Tarantino was brought in to this low-budget production for one day of shooting and left after filming an amazing five minutes.

 

The plot:   A small film crew is summoned by a serial killer called “The Sleepy Stalker,” who wants to do an on-camera interview. The killer wants to correct public misconceptions and to explain how he (or she) came to be such a notorious person. The crew obligingly sets up shop at a remote house in the woods and … things go badly.

The good news:  As mentioned above, the opening scene between Deanna Pak and Celisse Graves made me want to see more (yeah, yeah, more skin; but also more of the movie). And that final scene was remarkable. It has images I’ll retain for a long time.

The bad news:  The midsection is in dire need of ruthless editing. The killer drones on endlessly about her (or his) woe-is-me upbringing, with much bemoaning about the cruelty of society toward anyone who is different. Oh, and there is childhood abuse involved, because every serial killer movie has childhood abuse involved.

 

 

Trivia

 

  • That title – we had no idea what it means. See below.
  • How is it that the killer, who we are told was born and raised in the “Watermelon Capital” of Georgia, speaks with a heavy Russian accent? Just asking.
  • If the guy who plays the film crew’s cameraman looks familiar, it’s because you probably saw him in The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock. Yes, you read that right. It’s Quinton Aaron.
  • We have to be very careful with this review. According to Wikipedia and other sources, the film’s director, Romane Simon, is the great-grandson of a president of Haiti, and a mixed martial arts expert, and the son (or grandson) of a voodoo priestess.  You tell me:  Should I be worried if he reads this review and doesn’t like it?
  • Also, this guy apparently has money, connections, or … something … up the wazoo. I’d never heard of him, but take a look at how many projects he has in the works: 

 

 

 

The Girls of ‘Hybristophilia’

 

(We could call it “The Girls of Romane Simon,” but that sounds sexist.)

(Wait … we ARE sexist.)

 

The Girls of Romane Simon

 

We asked our resident nudity expert, Rip van Dinkle, to provide the commentary below. Our apologies for that.

Rip and The Grouch interviewed stars Deanna Pak and Lilian Lev, as well as director Simon. The quotes below are from those interviews.

 

Deanna Pak

 

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(Click on images for a larger view)

 

Rip Says:  Deanna is a very hot Asian-American actress who plays one of the two ill-fated lesbians in the opening scene. From what I can tell (I did some research), this was her first nude scene. Although, according to her interview reply, it was “implied nudity.” This answer confused me, so I was forced to go back and watch the scene again. And again.

Hmmm. Seems to me that if you are clearly bottomless, that’s a bit more than “implied.” But who am I to quibble over words?

 

Deanna (right) and Celisse Graves get comfortable in a cabin in the woods.

Celisse likes what she sees. So do we.

 

Grouch:  I’m guessing that the love scene between two naked women (right before all hell breaks loose) was a great attention grabber. You certainly grabbed my attention. Was this your first nude scene? If so, what did you think of it? Is it difficult to take your clothes off before the crew, or is it no big deal?

Deanna:  I understand this scene was definitely an “attention grabber” type of opening. This was my first implied nude scene, yes. I was still not comfortable with certain parts being shown on screen, so the director, Romane Simon, worked within my limits, so I appreciate that. I felt comfortable on set with the crew and actors and I’m glad that we agreed to be shown on screen (and not shown) [and] remained consistent. I feel like although there was definitely some skin, it was still tasteful and done beautifully.

Grouch:  Do you have any upcoming projects you’d like to promote?

Deanna:  You can find my first self-produced pilot, Hot Asian Girl, on my Instagram, which made some festival rounds last year. I also have other movies and TV shows coming up that I can’t speak of yet.

 

 

Lilian Lev

 

Rip Says:  Lilian (also known as Liliana or simply Lili) is a Russian singer-actress striving to make it big in Hollywood. If you Google her videos, you will find one that claims to show her stripping in the background while some dude in the foreground drones on and on in Russian. I don’t know; the chick on the stage doesn’t really look like Lilian to me, but who knows?

 

 

“I’m OK with nudity and my body in a great shape so I would gladly do it!” — Lilian Lev to The Grouch

 

Grouch:  Some of the actresses in the movie had nude scenes, but you did not. Is that something you consciously try to avoid? Have you done nude scenes in any other films?

Lilian:  For my character there was no place in the story for nude scenes. And it wasn’t in the script. I’m ok with nudity and my body in a great shape so I would gladly do it)))

Grouch:  You have a very interesting background. How do you compare being a musical star in Russia with being an actress in Hollywood?

Lilian:  My music career in Russia definitely helped me with acting. I’m a performer more than anything else. It helps with acting for sure. I’m open and charismatic since I was very little. I love performing on stage more than anything else. I was either dancing or singing most of my life. Since I was 7. I have zero shame in front of the audience.

 

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(Click on images for a larger view)

 

(To see this video, click here.)

 

 

 

Sara Hedgren

 

grouchyeditor.com Hedgren

 

Rip Says: Sara appears briefly in a flashback scene. We didn’t do an interview with her, but since she appears topless in this movie, she definitely qualifies as a “Romane Simon girl.” Oh, and we included a couple pictures of her appearance as a stripper in 2016’s The Lone Road. Because, why not?

 

 

 

Sadie Katz

 

Rip Says:  Oddly, Sadie does not get naked in Hybristophilia. I say that’s odd because, of all the actresses in the movie, she has the nudest acting resume. So we naturally couldn’t resist posting a couple of shots from one of her soft-core appearances.

 

 

Below, a couple Sadie shots from 2013’s Hidden Treasures.

 

 

“There’s something really fucking exciting about seeing an actress nude. I know that’s terrible to say, but I think there’s something really fun about it.” — Sadie Katz to “Mr. Skin”

 

Jenna Willis

 

 

Rip Says:  Sadly, Jenna Willis doesn’t show much skin in this movie (nor anywhere else, from what I could tell). But she is very good as a gung-ho reporter, and she appears with Lilian Lev in that knockout final scene (below).

 

 

Layla Dideban

 

Rip Says:  Layla is not in this movie. But she does make a memorable-if-short nude appearance in Blood Runs Thick (below), which is another Romane Simon movie from last year. Hence, she qualifies as one of “Romane’s girls.” Right?

 

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(Click on images for a larger view)

 

 

Romane Simon

 

 

Grouch:  The opening scene was quite an attention-grabber. Is it difficult to find actresses who are willing to take their clothes off for scenes like that, especially since they then get killed and don’t appear again?

Romane:  Actually yes it was so difficult to find an actor that can act and OK with nudity. I was so lucky to find two wonderful talent that was OK with nude scene and I make sure on my set everyone treat each other like family so not only it was a closed set. But I also communicate with them over and over to make sure they were comfortable and ready to go. My assistant Ameena she was like a mama bear to all the ladies on the set. Cause we all was in a cabin in the woods for weeks shooting in the middle of nowhere.

Grouch:  Will you be making anymore horror movies?

Romane:  Yes actually I have 3 horror-related films, one based on my bestselling book Red to Black — The Power of Love, also Voodoo Retribution so excited I also have two other horror film out. Our Way and Blood Runs Thick. I love making horror film. Growing [up] in Haiti around Voodoo help my creativity.

 

 

Last and certainly least, Rip wanted to ask the girls if they thought Hollywood was ready for a non-actor oddball with a small penis. Lilian had trouble answering his question:

Rip:  Hi Lili! I really got into your movie and I thought you were great. You probably haven’t heard of me, but I was kind of an underground celebrity at the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant in 2013 and 2015. Do you think I should put that on my acting resume? Can a dude with a small penis become a big Hollywood star? Just asking!

Lilian:  (no reply)

 

Grouch (days later):  Our columnist Rip van Dinkle is disappointed that you didn’t answer his question — did you not see it?  (By the way, we are all very surprised that you haven’t done any nude scenes yet, because it’s obvious you are in great shape!)

Lilian:  I did answer it. Yeah, I’m saving nude scenes for big budget films and TV shows.

 

Rip (second attempt):  Hi Lili! I really got into your movie and I thought you were great. You probably haven’t heard of me, but I was kind of an underground celebrity at the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant in 2013 and 2015. Do you think I should put that on my acting resume? Can a dude with a small penis become a big Hollywood star? Just asking!

Lilian:  Unless u r planning to be a porn star — it doesn’t matter.

Below, Rip competes at the third annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. (Click on the image if you need proof that he does, in fact, have a penis.)

 

 

Rip posed the same question to Deanna:

Rip:  Hi Deanna. I enjoyed your movie. In fact, I thought your scenes were the highlight of the movie. Trust me, I know what it’s like to have to bare all in front of an audience. You probably haven’t heard of it, but I was a star at the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant. Twice.

If I want to become a Hollywood actor, on my resume under vital statistics should I include information about my “shortcomings”? Why or why not? Thanks Deanna!

Deanna:  Hahaha. I would say magnify your strengths, and work on your “weaknesses” until they become strengths. I don’t think you have to acknowledge every shortcoming, but in today’s world with a one click access to social media, there’s a big audience for people who are real and upfront. So, in that way, it can work in your favor, especially if you are okay with making fun of yourself, but still carry the confidence like “So what? I’m still great” vibes. People actually appreciate when you can be real and not give a crap about every person’s opinion.

Hybristophilia is now available from on-demand video.

 

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In which we bring you gorgeous starlets from the past, nude or semi-nude – hey, this new feature was Rip van Dinkle’s idea. He wanted to call this category “Party in Your Pants,” but we held firm for something classier.

 

Deborah Voorhees

 

 

I am befuddled by actresses who claim to be befuddled by the effects of their nude scenes. They are, apparently, either ignorant of, or disingenuous about, the basics of human nature – at least as it applies to the heterosexual male. If their bare skin provokes naughty thoughts in the male audience, well, then it’s the fault of the male audience. OK, fine. That may be true.

The phenomenon is called lust, and it’s not always pretty. But, as the cliché goes, it is what it is. The heart wants what it wants – and so does the penis.

And so we have former starlet Deborah Voorhees, aka Debi Sue Voorhees, aka Deborah Bradley, aka “Tina” the naked nymphet from Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, who in recent interviews details the aftermath of her short movie career inasmuch as it led to her firings from two high-school teaching jobs. Voorhees says it’s a “weird world,” and that she didn’t expect her bare-naked exposure to become an issue in the classroom.

Evidently a roomful of horny teenage boys, fresh from watching their teacher roll in the hay in the nude on their high-definition TVs, should be able to banish lustful thoughts. “Stop staring at my tits, boys!”

 

 

The Grouch certainly knows about lustful thoughts when it comes to Deborah Voorhees. He wrote about his encounter with her back in the early 1990s when they both worked for the same company.

Deborah read Grouch’s article and was quite pleased with it:

 

 

And in a recent podcast interview, she was still talking about Grouch’s article … at least, we think she was still talking about it:

 

 

About ten years before Grouch and Deborah shared that elevator in Ft. Worth, when she was just 19, Deborah (Debi Sue?) wanted to be in Playboy or in the movies. Playboy lost. But now we have her audition photos: 

 

 

She didn’t make it into the pages of Playboy, but she was a bunny at Hugh Hefner’s Dallas club (above).

 

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The Starlet Years

 

 

Deborah did land a part in the popular TV series Dallas (above), but mostly she appeared in low-budget thrillers like Appointment with Fear and Innocent Prey, in which she appeared on screen just long enough to take her clothes off and/or do sex scenes.

 

 

 

Lord knows who had the bright idea to put this gorgeous girl in granny panties, but if anyone could pull it off, it was Deborah.

 

 

The video clip:

 

 

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The video:

 

 

Last but in no way least, we have the awful Friday the 13th entry that made Deborah a cult-movie legend. Director Danny Steinmann, a veteran of hard-core porn films, was lucky enough to be given young Deborah to play with in Part V. Although the infamous nude scene begins post-coitus, we have to wonder what might have been left on the cutting-room floor.

From a GQ story about the film:  “Director Danny Steinmann, who never shot another movie after Part V, has different regrets about the movie: ‘I shot a fucking porno in the woods there,’ he recalls. ‘You wouldn’t believe the nudity they cut out.’” 

It could not have been easy for young Deborah, hoping to make it in Hollywood, to find herself on her first day of shooting doing a nude sex scene in front of 50 crew members while her director, hard-core-porn pro Steinmann, barked instructions.

In the clip below from the documentary Crystal Lake Memories, Deborah, co-star John Robert Dixon, and editor Bruce Green discuss what Deborah calls her Friday “love scene” and the men describe as, well, according to Green: “It was like a porn film.”

 

Hmmm. Considering the butt-pounding Deborah took in Innocent Prey (see above), you do have to wonder if someday we might see a “director’s cut” of her Friday frolic.

 

 

 

“In the background is the director yelling, ‘C’mon, fuck her! Fuck her! Fuck her harder! C’mon, c’mon grab her tits! Grab her pussy! Grab her ass!’” – editor Bruce Green

 

 

The video:

 

 

Rip’s Ranking:

 

                                   

 

“I’d go higher but, from what I can tell, she never went full-frontal – although if you look very, very carefully, there could be a glimpse between her legs in that Friday scene, when she lies back in the field and the camera pans down. Is that her pussy? Of course, I would never analyze the scene like that. It’s just something someone told me.”

 

Click here for Deborah Voorhees’s IMDB page.

 

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In which we bring you gorgeous starlets from the past, nude or semi-nude – hey, this new feature was Rip van Dinkle’s idea. He wanted to call this category “Party in Your Pants,” but we held firm for something classier.

 

Valerie Leon

 

 

Once upon a time, long before Harvey Weinstein, the men who made movies could exploit a starlet and not apologize for it. The girl was hired for the audience to ogle, and her character needn’t be written as “a strong woman.” Everyone knew what her strengths were: her T and her A.

Back then, you didn’t need to be a handsome stud to brazenly eyeball – and frequently fondle – a perky piece of ass. In fact, often it was the stereotypical “dirty old man” abusing his patriarchal power at the nubile young gal’s expense.

Case in point: Britain’s buxom Valerie Leon.

 

 

Director:  “Valerie, this is where the dirty old men in the cast, the crew members, and the audience get to eyeball your goods. Show us your goods, dear.”

 

 

Much has been made of statuesque Valerie’s upper half, and justifiably so, but in this scene from The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer, yet another dirty old man is obsessed with her bubbly bottom, so much so that he can’t resist copping a feel up her miniskirt:

 

 

Here’s a video clip from the movie, featuring Valerie’s gorgeous gams and the old fart demonstrating sexual harassment in the workplace:

 

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I suppose that 45 years ago, the scene below, in which Valerie demonstrates how she would swallow your … banana … was considered quite daring:

 

 

 

Random goodness:

 

 

Finally, here are screen captures and a video clip of the closest Valerie ever got (at least, that we know of) to full nudity on screen — just some pasties and a thong in something called Zeta One (aka The Love Factor). Lucky actors who were able to manhandle and paw the nearly nude starlet:

 

 

The Zeta One video clip:

 

 

 

 

 

Rip’s Ranking:

 

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“I’d give her a higher score but, outside of her pasties-and-thong bit in some cheap, early-career movie called Zeta One, it doesn’t appear that she ever went nude. Cute face, though, and one heckuva rack. And now we know where the term ‘upskirt’ came from.”

Click here for Valerie Leon’s IMDB page.

 

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It turns out that the ladies Down Under were curious about what Rip van Dinkle was hiding down under, so in 2013 he wrote this confessional for Australia’s Women’s Health & Fitness magazine. Click on any page (maybe twice, depending on your browser) for a magnified view.

 

 

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Using the pseudonym “J.D. Hawkens” (long story), Rip van Dinkle penned the following article for Maxim about the inaugural Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in 2013:

 

 

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Cold War is a new romantic comedy with Madeline Walter about a young couple whose relationship is tested — to put it mildly — when a crippling flu bug confines them to close quarters for days on end. We talked to Walter about the movie. We also let Rip van Dinkle ask her a question. Just one question.

 

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GE:  Your movie reminded me of Hollywood “bickering couple” classics like War of the Roses, His Girl Friday, etc. Were you familiar with those movies, and was Cold War a conscious attempt to carry on that tradition?

 

MW:  I believe it was! I have a woefully limited knowledge of classic films, but [co-directors] Stirling and Wilder are both film buffs, and I know they were inspired by many of the classics. When I was preparing for the shoot, Wilder referred me to some movies that had inspired him, and the one that I actually drew from the most was the original Odd Couple with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. I think that movie is brilliant, and just really beautifully captures the dynamic of two people with intensely different lifestyles and hangups trying to live together (and making it work because they ultimately deeply care about each other). Also, fun fact — in the scene in the movie where Jon notices that Maggie’s labeled their duplicate DVDs, the DVD that he pulls out is His Girl Friday.

 

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GE:  Which comic actresses inspire you?

 

MW:  A bunch! Kathryn Hahn, Issa Rae, Sharon Horgan come to mind — they all make such funny choices that really come out of such grounded, surprising emotional places. I’m also an improviser, and I learned pretty much everything I know about performing at the UCB theatre, so a lot of the women I perform with are really inspiring to me. So much of the time I’m just stealing what they do and trying to make it my own.

 

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GE:  The movie was basically a two-person show (I can see it as a stage play), and you and Michael Blaiklock are in most scenes together. Is that a good working situation for you, or do you prefer a larger cast?

 

MW:  This was my first feature film, so I really loved working with such a small cast. It really allowed me to focus on my character’s relationship to one person, and gave me the time to explore and examine that relationship and make clear choices about its evolution. Also, I have to say, doing a two-person movie with Michael specifically was awesome- everything he did was so present and surprising, and he made it really fun. I highly recommend doing a two-person movie with him if the opportunity comes up!

 

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GE:  I’d say one lesson of Cold War is that yes, you can spend too much time with a significant other. Assuming you were/are in a relationship with another person, what would you say is the ideal amount of time to spend together?

 

MW:  I think it’s nice to spend enough time apart so you both have interesting answers to “how was your day?”

 

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GE:  Between you and Michael, there was quite a bit of puking in the movie. Was that method acting, perhaps residual memories from college days?

 

MW:  I wish … but unfortunately my wildest college experience was a time I stayed up all night organizing a filing cabinet. I am very proud of our puking sounds though — the most fun was doing ADR. Something feels so wrong (yet so right) about standing in a super polished recording studio and gagging into a state-of-the-art microphone.

 

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Editor’s note: Rip van Dinkle was impressed by a scene in Cold War in which nurse Madeline shares screen time with a nude actor and his noodle. We let him ask Madeline one question.

 

 

Rip:  The scene in which you examine the naked patient was hilarious. I was in “The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant and I know that it can be like pulling teeth trying to find men who are willing to do something like that. Was that an awkward scene for you to film? Did the actor have any qualms about revealing his shortcomings to the world?

 

MW:  You know, it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, because Kenneth [Yoder], who played the patient, is a total pro. And I really just super appreciated that Wilder and Stirling showed full frontal male nudity in the type of movie where female nudity is usually much more common. They really made an effort to flip rom-com tropes in a lot of ways, and that’s what made this movie so exciting to me.

 

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Editor’s note: In the interests of equal time — lest anyone think that the patient with the flaccid penis represents the only skin on display in Cold War — here are some revealing screen shots of Madeline in the film:

 

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

(Click on pictures for a larger, better view.)

 

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The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by pubicly publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.

So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?

 

 

Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?

 

 

Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?

(Click on pictures for a larger view)

 

 

 

 

Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:


 

“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”

Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.

 

 

 

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Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.

 

 

Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.

“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here) and Alicia (click here), too.”

 

 

 

From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:

 

 

On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.

 

 

 

 

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August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:

“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”

 

Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”

Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:

 

 

 

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The Practical Joke

 

Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).

Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.

“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”

 

Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:

 

 

 

 

Kevyn Burger:  “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”

 

 Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)

 

KB:  “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”

KB:  “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”

Gal Pals:  “Yes!”

Gal Pal 2:  “I just about died.”

KB:  “He looks pretty proud.”

Gal Pal 2:  “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”

KB:  “And nothing else!”

Gal Pal 1:  “And nothing else.”

Gal Pal 2:  “Just his birthday suit.”

KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”

Gal Pal 2:  “We see everything else.” (laughter)

Gal Pal 1:  “I think we can see the identifying marks.”

 

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Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:

 

 

 

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Rip was interviewed by “Simone” (not her real name, above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.

Simone got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.

 

“How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

 

Simone told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:

“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’” 

Simone went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:

“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Simone  said.

Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:

 

 

Simone continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”

Says Rip: “That little girl (“Simone”) gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when I heard her comment on the podcast about getting balled — a lot.” (Scroll down for the audio clip.)

 

 

 

 

Simone’s podcast comment:

 

For the deaf or hard-of-hearing, here’s a transcript:

“For me personally, I’m someone who’s fucked a lot of people right away.”

 

Says Rip: “She’s an aspiring actress. I’d imagine there are low-budget producers in Hollywood who would be interested in a girl who will ‘do the deed’ with guys she’s just met. You know, like other actors.

“Maybe we could co-star in a remake of I Spit on Your Grave. She’d play the girl who gets gang-banged in the woods. I’d play the mentally challenged dude with a tiny cock who also gets a piece. Oh, and it would be unsimulated sex, of course!”

 

 

 

Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”

Below, Nicoletta (left) and Simone (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.

 

.                          

 

Simone:

“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?” 

 

Nicoletta:

“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”

“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”

“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”

 

*

 

One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.

 

 

 

 

Listen to the full podcast below:

 

**

 

 

 

Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:

 

Marlena: “How many women have you had sex with?”

“Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?”

“How wide is your penis?”

“Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?”

“How does having a small penis affect your life?”

Rip:  “Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.”

Marlena: “I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.”

 

 

Marlena: “Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?”

 

Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.

 

 

You can read Marlena’s interview with Rip by clicking here.

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.

 

 

Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.

After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.

 

**

 

I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick

 

 

“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook

 

You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone

 

**

 

Photo (Shop) Fun!

 

 

 Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view

 

 Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize

 

 Rip’s dinghy approaches the anchor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s been a while since we checked in with small-penis-pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle. We asked him to dig into his scrapbook to find some post-pageant mementos that he might share with us.

“It’s amazing,” Rip tells us, “how many gorgeous women who normally won’t give you the time of day, when they find out you’ll admit you have a tiny penis and that they can have a laugh at it — and a laugh at you — suddenly they are very interested in you.”

Unlike pot-bellied, mini-membered Rip, a lot of the women having a laugh at his expense are physical knockouts. They had a good look at Rip; let’s have a good look at them.

 

The Lawyer

 

 

 “You are obviously out and proud about your small penis”

 

Lawyer and penis connoisseur Madeleine Holden was not overly impressed with Rip’s manhood. “So your dick is small and you’re proud. Great,” Madeline wrote, with more than a touch of sarcasm. Here’s more from her Web site (Critique My Dick Pic), in which she rates dick pics from around the globe:

 

 

Luckily for her fans, Madeleine also posts selfies of herself:

 

 

**

 

The South American Journalist

 

 

 “My editor preferred to hide the penis”

 

Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro attended the 2015 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant and interviewed Rip for South American publications. Anna also played photojournalist, below, capturing Rip and the other contestants for her stories.

 

.                                           

 

Some months after Anna interviewed Rip backstage in Brooklyn, Rip returned the favor and interviewed Anna:

 

Rip asked if it was challenging for her to interview a man (him) while his tiny penis was in full view.

Anna:  I try to ignore all the awkward things around me while interviewing. But yes, it was a little bit awkward.

Rip asked if having a small sex organ is a source of embarrassment for South American men.

Anna:  Yes definitely, it´s something men always feel embarrassed and sad about.

Rip asked why, in the pictures Anna took of him and then posted online, his genitals were obscured by a black bar (below right).

 

 

.                                            

.                                                         Before                                      After 

 

Anna: Well, I think on that time my editor preferred to hide the penis areas because [it] is a very popular media and they consider more respectful with the readers like that.

 

Rip tells us that, if she’s interested, he would very much enjoy tutoring Anna in English as a second language.

 

 

**

 

The Model from North Dakota

 

 

“I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it”

 

Model Jaye M. interviewed Rip for a short article. Excerpts from the interview:

 

“Rip van Dinkle traveled from his home to be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age.”

 

Jaye:  Holy fuck, dude you are tiny!

Jaye:  I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.

Jaye:  Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off!

Jaye:  What makes you think you can pleasure me?

 

Jaye set aside her hostility long enough to pose with Rip for a short video in which the long-legged lass measured his junk. 

 

 

Despite her insults, Rip is forgiving and describes Jaye as a “hot piece of ass.” Here’s a short video of Jaye displaying her goods in the California sunshine:

 

 

**

 

The Sketch Artist

 

 

“Do you want the teeny weeny showing?”

 

MiYon Kosloske-Richardson (above) is a sometime artist who jumped at the opportunity to immortalize Rips’ pageant shame. MiYon didn’t actually attend the event, but she found inspiration from pageant photos, including this full-frontal shot of Rip:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click on the sketches below to see larger views of MiYon’s final work:

 

.                      

 

 

 

**

 

Funny Girl

 

 

“Show us your dick!”

 

Podcaster/comedian Zoe Nightingale was anxious to attend the 2015 pageant. Per her Instagram page (below), Zoe found out about the teeny-weenie show by reading Time Out New York:

 

 

Judging from her podcast commentary (click below), Zoe didn’t get the anti-body-shaming memo:

 

If the contestants had looked at these pictures Zoe posted of herself on social media, there might not have been any tiny dicks for her to laugh at:

 

.                      

 

**

 

The Beauty from Trinidad

 

 

“Special thanks to Rip van Dinkle”

 

Broadcaster and sometime model Kimi McCarthy, above, interviewed Rip for her radio show in Trinidad:

 

Kimi: “When are you coming to Trinidad?”

Rip: “I wish I was there right now. I hear Trinidad is really beautiful. I know Kimi is really beautiful.”

Kimi: “You’re so sweet.”

Rip: “You need to organize a small-penis pageant in Trinidad … Kimi can be one of the judges.”

Kimi: “I don’t mind. It’s for a good cause.”

 

 

Kimi plugged the interview on social media:

 

 

 

After that, Rip discovered these videos and wanted to plug Kimi:

 

 

Have a look at Kimi — top and bottom — in the videos below:

 

 

**

 

 

The average male’s greatest fear confirmed: Feminists do like to humiliate men with small dicks. Meredith Landry, editor of the feminist Web site Role Reboot, asked Rip to write a first-person account about his prick and its exposure at the pageants. That’s Meredith pictured above.

 

**

 

 

The Village Voice spotlighted Rip in its end-of-year edition. That particular photo has certainly made the rounds.

 

**

 

 

The small-penis pageant was Time Out New York’s sixth-most-read story of the year. Writer Rebecca Fontana (above) didn’t want her readers to miss out on any of the pictures.

 

 

**

 

 

Pageant organizer Bobbie Chaset, pictured above in I Dream of Jeannie garb, seemed to feel that pageant contestant “Flo Rida,” above right, has a more impressive dick than poor Rip, above left.

The following exchange is from Bobbie’s interview on a Detroit radio station:

 

Host:  Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?

Bobbie:  “If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.”

Bobbie:  “He’s not as small as the rest of the guys” – comparing Flo Rida to Rip and the other contestants.

 

**

 

 

Random Emasculation

 

 

Gorgeous “Sara,” pictured above, recognized a handsome pecker when she saw one, and just had to paint Rip’s for posterity:

 

 

OK, so that was a lie. In reality, Sara had a good belly-laugh when she saw poor Rip, far right in the photo below, posing next to some well-hung dudes.

 

 

 

Comments from Jezebel Readers

 

 

Mean Tweets

 

 

 

Facebook

 

Dr. Naomi Mac enjoyed all the small-penis bashing on Facebook:

 

“Loving the comments here”

 

Anne Marie Benavides was disgusted by the pageant and its participants:

 

 

“Are we really surprised that these gentrifying hipsters are small dick bastards? I would’ve gone with dickless.”

 

**

 

The Sisters

 

 

.                   

 

Rip was impressed by the large number of African-American women attending the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageants.

So was podcaster Zoe Nightingale, who had a question for some of them:

 

“Are you here just to see a small white penis for the first time? I knew it – there are so many beautiful black people here to laugh at the white people.”

 

Nightingale

 

Potter

 

YouTube’s Titty Talk Show sent “our lady in the streets,” Bri’en Potter, pictured above and below, to interview contestants at the 2013 pageant:

 

 

Rip acquaintance Aleeya Michelle didn’t mince words after she evaluated his manhood on Skype:

 

 

“It is a puny white boy dick.”

“That is not a big pee-pee … that’s a pee.”

 

Seems only fair that since Aleeya had a look at Rip’s equipment, readers should have a look at hers:

 

 

 

 

Brokelyn writer-photographer Mary Dorn, above, covered the penis pageants in 2013 and 2014. Some excerpts from one of her stories:

 

 

 

 

**

 

And finally … it takes a special brand of woman to actually slide a ruler up alongside Rip’s dangling noodle.

 

 

Some guys might consider letting a woman measure their cock, take pictures of the humiliation, and then post the results for the entertainment of other women as rather a … shameful situation. Not Rip, who is philosophical: “If a lady is willing to get that up close and personal to my genitals and then play with them, photos are the price I’m willing to pay.”

Who prodded Rip with a ruler? Aimee Arciuolo, Cyndi Freeman, Amy Minnick, and Jaye M.

 

 

.                                              

.                                              

.                                                      Aimee                                          Jaye

 

.                                              

.                                               

.                                                        Cyndi                                         Amy

 

 

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rip2Photo by Amy Minnick

 

We asked Smallest Penis in Brooklyn contestant Rip van Dinkle to find out if size matters — specifically, to find out if his size matters.

Rip revealed his (not quite) two-inch tool to a bevy of attractive women — about half of them in face-to-face … er, face-to-penis encounters, and the other half over Skype — and asked them to pass judgment.

And because we realize that not more than three or four people on the planet care to read a post loaded with pictures of Rip’s puny pecker, we included eye-candy shots of the girls who ogled Rip’s manhood.

The leering ladies ran the gamut: podcasters, bloggers, a sex writer, a photographer, models, bar managers, some sex workers, and a few “girls next door.” Here they are:

 

 

Who’s Looking at Rip’s Dick?

 

.                   aimeealeeya

                               Aimee                            Aleeya                            Sara

 

.                   cerseichristinecyndi

                               Cersei                            Christine                       Cyndi

 

.                   emilyjayegrouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo

                                Emily                             Jaye                              Michele

 

.                   grouchyeditor.com Lilith

                                Marcie                            Lilith                            Sandra

 

.                   bishopdeejuli

                                Aiden                            Dee                                 Juliana

 

.                   mistygrouchyeditor.com Abbi Sterngrouchyeditor.com Rachel Khona

                                Misty                             Abbi                            Rachel

 

.                   maggievivianamy

                                Maggie                          Vivian                           Amy

 

.                   aliciagrouchyeditor.com Melanie Riedersgrouchyeditor.com Poppins

                                Alicia                           Melanie                   Just Kidding 

 

 

The Podcasters:

 

.                   rachel rip3 abbi

 

mail

questions

 

Rachel Khona attended the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant “to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them.” Khona, a sex writer, then invited Rip to discuss his package on her podcast, which she co-hosted with gal-pal Abbi Stern.

Rachel made it clear on the podcast that she would never, ever consider sleeping with someone like Rip, what with his puny pecker and all. Apparently, Rachel and Abbi wanted from Rip that rarest of things: a male who would actually confess in public that yes, his dick was lacking.

 

From the podcast:

 

Stern:  “It’s hilarious that anybody would want to advertise they have a small penis, because I don’t know how they’re ever gonna get ass after that.”

Khona:  “It’s sad. It feels like there’s a finger in you. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s there.”

 

. khona44    “So what’s it like having a small penis? How big does it get?”

 

. rip2    “Are you counting limp? For me, that’s not quite two inches.”

 

 

Moral of the story:  If you are under-hung, you don’t get to fuck Rachel. But she will giggle at your little dick.

 

 

.                   khona1 khona2 khona3

.                   khona5 khona6 khona7

                                   Click on pictures for bigger views of Rachel

 

khona

.

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

1

 

**

 

The Photo Shoot:

 

rip1

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Rip’s participation in the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant brought him Internet notoriety. But he doesn’t live in Brooklyn; he lives in Minneapolis.

Local photographer Amy Minnick recruited models Sara, Marcie, and Sandra (not their real names) to pose with naked-as-a-jaybird Rip. The goal was not to flatter the bearded, beer-bellied Baby Boomer. The goal was to depict how a group of sexy ladies might react to Rip and his mini member.

When Rip revealed his private parts to the ladies in these pictures, they were polite enough not to giggle at his shortcomings – at least not in front of him. In the picture below, Rip himself was not present, so the girls felt free to express how they really felt — especially with Rip’s organ pictured side-by-side with other, more fortunate males.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Sara

 

Sara was the most enthusiastic model. When photographer Amy needed a volunteer to check out Rip’s manhood with a magnifying glass, Sara did not have to be asked twice: 

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Above, Sara zooms in on her subject matter. In the picture below, Rip owns the prick at far right. But you already guessed that.

We can’t imagine what Sara finds so funny. She probably felt sorry for the two chaps on the left.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

.                      

                                     Click on pictures for bigger views of Sara

 

Sandra

 

Sandra was required to strip down to black bra and thong panties. This presented a challenge for Rip. As the possessor of a tiny penis, would the sight of half-naked Sandra prompt a … physical change in him? Would his penile puniness be exposed as a fraud?

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

In the photo above, Sandra apparently sees something amusing in her wine glass.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Above, Rip conquers a potentially embarrassing boner by concentrating not on Sandra’s “fuck me, Rip” pose in the bed behind him but rather on … a strap-on dildo?

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Sandra, who apparently hasn’t seen enough, uses binoculars to eyeball Rip’s junk. At least it wasn’t a telescope.

 

.                   

                                 Click on pictures for bigger views of Sandra

 

 

 

Marcie

 

Marcie was the quiet, bashful model in the studio. We have no idea what she might have been thinking when she came face-to-face with Rip and his dangling noodle. But her smile seemed to indicate that she enjoyed his birthday-suit shame fame.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

Above, the ladies (left to right: Marcie, Sara, and Sandra) try not to check out Rip’s none-too-impressive sex organ as he serves them wine 

 

Says Rip, “Mostly, the girls tried not to let me catch them staring at my crotch. They would sneak peeks when they thought I wasn’t looking. I did catch Sara having a look once or twice. They all had to stifle giggles.”

 

 

.

Moral of the story:  We asked Rip if this photo shoot, featuring naked him and four clothed women, was a humiliating experience. “OK, it wasn’t exactly a Playgirl centerfold shoot,” he said. “But hey, how many guys can say they spent three hours on a Saturday afternoon with four chicks ogling their junk?”

A very good point.

Alas, Rip did not get a piece of ass from these ladies. The girls did, however, enjoy emasculating him.

 

**

 

Hats off (pants off?) to Amy Minnick, the woman who took the, uh, interesting black-and-white photos. Not only did the lens on her camera not shatter, but she endured hours of close scrutiny of Rip’s hairy cock and balls. We’re guessing that, outside of Rip himself (and his ex-wife), no one has spent more time staring at his twig and berries than Amy has.

Then again, who knows? Maybe she enjoyed it. Amy is pictured below.

 

amy

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

3

.

 

**

 

Part 2

 

In Part 2, Rip has his dick measured by a Minnesota model and confesses his penis-pageant participation to sexy gal-pal Michele. Featuring video clips. Click here to go to Part 2.

 

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(Click on any picture for a larger view)

 

We were curious about the backstage antics at Brooklyn’s annual small-penis pageant, and so we turned to two-time contestant Rip van Dinkle (above, at the 2015 contest) for some answers to our questions – and we had quite a few of them. Who, for example, is allowed in the contestants’ dressing room? Do participants suffer from pre-pageant jitters, or from the sudden realization that one’s penis will soon be on display for hundreds of boisterous women? Does Rip have bedroom fantasies about the women who saw (and judged) him in his birthday suit?

 

Grouchy Editor – Tell us about the scene in your dressing area before the pageants. Are women allowed in there?

Rip Van Dinkle – Oh, man, aside from the contestants, it’s all women backstage. Some of them are supposed to be there, like the pageant organizers and media people who are there for interviews. But there are some people who just wander in, with no real reason for being there except, I suppose, to ogle us. But there were also a few naked women backstage. In the first pageant, “Cherry Pitz” [Editor’s note: burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman] was in the show, and she stripped down to a black thong – and nothing up top – right in front of me.  I believe she was 49 at the time, and married, and looking hot. There was also a female musician parading around topless during the pageant this year.

One of the judges, Kate Hakala, kept walking into the room while we were dressing. She had no real reason to be down there, other than to check us out in the nude, I guess. I read the story she wrote about judging the pageant, and it seemed like she was very much on the prowl for small dicks. I guess she decided to see more of us than she was seeing on the stage.

GE – Tell us about the media.  It reminds us of female reporters in the men’s locker room at professional sporting events, which was quite controversial.

RVD – They say you have to be brassy to be a good reporter, and that was certainly true of the ballsy bunch I saw in the dressing area. A reporter from Gawker [Editor’s note: Victor Jeffreys II], one of the few male reporters, drew me aside to ask questions. At some point, I glanced down and saw that he was holding his cell-phone camera in front of my groin; he’d been taking close-up pictures during the interview. That kind of pissed me off, but he certainly got what he wanted. I checked out his story in Gawker and there were all these shots of my junk in huge close-up, including shots he took later when the judges were measuring our cocks on stage.

 

.                  Stage2   Stage3   Stage4

Gawker published these intimate pictures of Rip submitting to penis-measurements by judges Cyndi Freeman, left, and Aimee Arciuolo, center.  At right, one of Jeffreys’ surreptitious crotch shots.

 

A female photographer at the first pageant spotted me sitting alone, drinking a Coke, and asked if she could take pictures. I said sure and brushed my hair a bit, but that was unnecessary because she wasn’t interested in my hair. She just kind of leaned over and stuck her camera between my thighs and began taking pictures. I should mention that I wasn’t completely naked; I was wearing one of those tuxedo thongs. But she and the Gawker guy were there to get pictures of our genitals and by God that’s what they got.

GE – You mentioned the foreign press …

RVD – Oh yes.  There was this gorgeous reporter from Brazil, Anna something [Editor’s note: Anna Gabriela Ribeiro], and she came up to ask me questions. One thing almost every interviewer asks me is, “How small is your penis?” She didn’t ask me that, which I thought was kind of odd until I realized what I was wearing. We didn’t have mirrors to look at ourselves backstage, and this was our first costume, which I thought covered us up. I was wrong. It was black underwear but with a see-thru patch right over the genitals, so this girl had a clear view of my twig and berries, dangling just inches below her notepad. She would have no trouble describing my shortcomings for her readers. It might also have explained the smile on her face while she was interviewing me. She also took pictures during the show. Several of them popped up on Spanish-language Web sites.

 

.                  Stage5  Stage6  Stage7

Ribeiro and her view while interviewing Rip

 

GE – OK, enough about journalists. Who else was in the dressing room?

RVD – At both pageants, Aimee Arciuolo was there helping us adjust our costumes. She was the creator of the pageant and had a hand in designing the costumes.  She wanted us as exposed as possible, and told me before the first pageant that our underwear would be as transparent as plastic wrap. For the 2015 pageant, Bobbie Chaset pretty much took over managing duties, so she was always around. Legally, we weren’t supposed to get completely naked during the show, but I discussed flashing the audience with Bobbie beforehand and she encouraged me to do it. So I did.

GE – Anyone else backstage?

RVD – There were the “penis kittens,” of course. They had various duties, but mostly they just had to look cute. Some of them, I think, used Super Soakers to wet our crotches before the penis measuring.

   Stage8

“Penis Kittens” from left to right: Racheal, Audrey, Amanda

 

GE – We should come clean here. We really aren’t interested in hearing any more about your experiences at the pageant. What we really wanted to do was find an excuse to run pictures of some of the good-looking women associated with the contest. We wanted to turn the tables on some of the females who ogled you guys. We’d love your comments on these pictures.

RVD – Excellent. Let’s do it.

GE – We’d also like you to give us a favorite sex fantasy about each of them.

RVD – That sounds sexist. Count me in.

 

**

 

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet, New York Post

 

montage

 

 

The Leering Ladies

 

Pageant creator/manager/judge Aimee Arciuolo

 

.                  Stage10  Stage11  Stage12

.                  Stage13  Stage14  Stage15

 

RVD – Aimee has a great rack and nice legs. I guess she could relate to us guys in the pageant since she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, herself. Until I saw these pictures, I had no idea she let her tits hang out in public. Great-looking tits, blue or any other color.

Aimee told Gothamist that she and her friends discussed ways to make us get erections during the pageant, I suppose so they could measure us limp-dicked and also with boners. Aimee really wanted to give the females in the bar a good show. She was upset that a city ordinance wouldn’t let us show cock, so she and her mother designed “penis tuxedoes” so that our balls hung out for all to see.

But I was game for anything at the pageant. If Aimee had said to me, “Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?” I would have said to her, “Yes, ma’am. If that’s what you want, no problem.” Humiliating, I suppose, but I’m sure she would have loved that.

 

“If Aimee had said to me, ‘Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?’ I would have said to her, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

 

.                  Stage16  Stage17  Stage18

Rip: “For a woman who claims to favor small dicks, Aimee looks pretty pleased to see Flo Rida’s big pecker.”

 

RVD – These screen caps and the video below are from the first pageant. A guy calling himself Flo Rida broke the rules and flashed his dick. I’m pretty sure this kind of rule-breaking pleased Aimee, even though she acts shocked in these pictures.

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  She’s kind of a show-off, so I’d love to do her doggie-style on stage. At a biker bar. Hey – remember, this is the girl who put me through the indignity of measuring my penis on stage in front of a bar full of women. With cameras.

 

In the video above, Cyndi (big wig) and Aimee measure little manhoods on stage. Rip is the contestant in the middle.

 

*****

 

Bartender/manager Bobbie Chaset

 

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Rip is interviewed by Rolling Stone while Bobbie Chaset, right, looks on

 

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RVD – These pictures surprise me. They must be some years old. I thought Bobbie was too reserved to dress in such a sexy costume and in such “fuck me” poses. Also, are those panties see-thru? Looks to me like some pussy hair poking through, but that could be my wishful thinking.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Those pictures remind me of bondage. It would be fun to tie her up, put a gag in her mouth, and do her on stage. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Journalist Anna Gabriela Ribeiro

 

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RVD – After she interviewed me, she took a bunch of pictures during the contest. They were published on South American Web sites, but I noticed my crotch was “black barred” in them.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Probably we’d do a scene for a Brazilian porno flick. Does Brazil have porno flicks?

 

*****

 

“Penis Kittens” Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk, Racheal Selles-Czuk

 

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Left to right: Racheal Selles-Czuk, Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk

 

RVD – Honestly, I’m not sure what they did. I believe they were supposed to hose our crotches with Super Soakers, but it was too chaotic to notice who was squirting what. Cute girls, though. Look at Amanda – doesn’t she look like some glamorous 1940s film star?

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Racheal and Audrey are sisters, so of course we’d have a threesome. Amanda has kind of that classic, movie-star look, so I’d do her classic missionary-style. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman

 

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RVD – Looks pretty good for 50, doesn’t she? I guess she has a very understanding husband, since she spends so much time parading around half-naked in front of other men. She struck me as one horny lady. During the second pageant, which I did not attend, she basically dry humped a contestant who, from the look of the pictures, was wearing only a shirt – no underwear. In other words, Cyndi in her thong grinding pussy against his genitals. [Editor’s note: See GIF at bottom] She also seems to enjoy eyeballing Flo Rida’s big prick in the pictures [above and below]. And she was one of the judges who measured my manhood on stage.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cyndi Freeman

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I think she’s kinky, so I’d have her down on her knees, giving me head while her husband watches. By the way, Cyndi once did a soft-core TV show for Showtime. It has Cyndi tits, Cyndi ass, Cyndi getting fucked by a sleazy dude – check it out.

 

 

*****

 

Gawker reporter Victor Jeffreys II

 

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RVD – Annoying dude, but he was there for dick pics and he got them – especially mine. [Editor’s note: That’s Jeffreys below the yellow arrow in the picture, watching Dinkle get measured.]

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Go fuck yourself. Although there is a scene in Deliverance that comes to mind.

 

*****

 

Judges Natalie Shure, Kate Hakala, Krystyna Hutchinson

 

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Left to right, judges Shure, Hakala, Hutchinson

 

RVD – The brunette, Krystyna Hutchinson, was super hot. The other brunette in the glasses looks hot in her picture, but what you can’t tell from it is that she is a very big girl. Big everywhere. Not my cup of tea.  The last judge, Kate Hakala, wrote an article for Mic and bragged about having “evaluated cock constantly.” I guess now she can add mine to her checklist.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Krystyna, anal sex. Natalie, boob sex. Kate, I’d have to see how she evaluated my cock on her list.

 

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The 2015 judges were unimpressed by Rip’s puny pecker, pictured above. After finishing in second place at the 2013 pageant, Rip and his (normally) 1.5-inch penis experienced shrinkage, demoted to fourth place by the prick-analyzing female judges.

 

*****

 

Gothamist photographer Melanie Rieders

 

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Rieders enjoys hanging with big dicks (far right) as well as wee ones

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 

RVD – This girl Melanie probably captured the most explicit shot of my wiener (below). I was surprised to see it posted on Gothamist, which is a fairly mainstream Web site, because her photo doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. From the stage, I didn’t notice her, but she must have been in the front row and prepared for my flash, because I didn’t have my bathrobe open for more than a few seconds.

 

Rieders5

Photo by Melanie Rieders

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 Rieders in the crowd, moments after capturing a shot of Rip’s dick

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I looked her up on the Web and discovered a bikini shot of her (below). My God, does she have a humpable, pumpable little ass, or what? I’m thinking I’d do her doggie-style, right there on that raft. Guys like me aren’t built for big-bottomed girls, because we have to make it past all that butt cheek, but Melanie’s perky bubble butt? I’m thinking I could squeeze into that.

 

Rieders4

 

 *****

 

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Cyndi Freeman, aka Cherry Pitz, dry humps a bare-bottomed contestant

 

To read more about Rip’s adventures at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, click here or here.

 

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