Tagged: Rip van Dinkle

In which we bring you gorgeous starlets from the past, nude or semi-nude – hey, this new feature was Rip van Dinkle’s idea. He wanted to call this category “Party in Your Pants,” but we held firm for something classier.

 

Valerie Leon

 

 

Once upon a time, long before Harvey Weinstein, the men who made movies could exploit a starlet and not apologize for it. The girl was hired for the audience to ogle, and her character needn’t be written as “a strong woman.” Everyone knew what her strengths were: her T and her A.

Back then, you didn’t need to be a handsome stud to brazenly eyeball – and frequently fondle – a perky piece of ass. In fact, often it was the stereotypical “dirty old man” abusing his patriarchal power at the nubile young gal’s expense.

Case in point: Britain’s buxom Valerie Leon.

 

 

Director:  “Valerie, this is where the dirty old men in the cast, the crew members, and the audience get to eyeball your goods. Show us your goods, dear.”

 

 

Much has been made of statuesque Valerie’s upper half, and justifiably so, but in this scene from The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer, yet another dirty old man is obsessed with her bubbly bottom, so much so that he can’t resist copping a feel up her miniskirt:

 

 

Here’s a video clip from the movie, featuring Valerie’s gorgeous gams and the old fart demonstrating sexual harassment in the workplace:

 

**

 

I suppose that 45 years ago, the scene below, in which Valerie demonstrates how she would swallow your … banana … was considered quite daring:

 

 

 

Random goodness:

 

 

Finally, here are screen captures and a video clip of the closest Valerie ever got (at least, that we know of) to full nudity on screen — just some pasties and a thong in something called Zeta One (aka The Love Factor). Lucky actors who were able to manhandle and paw the nearly nude starlet:

 

 

The Zeta One video clip:

 

 

 

 

 

Rip’s Ranking:

 

.                                        

 

“I’d give her a higher score but, outside of her pasties-and-thong bit in some cheap, early-career movie called Zeta One, it doesn’t appear that she ever went nude. Cute face, though, and one heckuva rack. And now we know where the term ‘upskirt’ came from.”

Click here for Valerie Leon’s IMDB page.

 

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It turns out that the ladies Down Under were curious about what Rip van Dinkle was hiding down under, so in 2013 he wrote this confessional for Australia’s Women’s Health & Fitness magazine. Click on any page (maybe twice, depending on your browser) for a magnified view.

 

 

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Using the pseudonym “J.D. Hawkens” (long story), Rip van Dinkle penned the following article for Maxim about the inaugural Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in 2013:

 

 

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Cold War is a new romantic comedy with Madeline Walter about a young couple whose relationship is tested — to put it mildly — when a crippling flu bug confines them to close quarters for days on end. We talked to Walter about the movie. We also let Rip van Dinkle ask her a question. Just one question.

 

**

 

GE:  Your movie reminded me of Hollywood “bickering couple” classics like War of the Roses, His Girl Friday, etc. Were you familiar with those movies, and was Cold War a conscious attempt to carry on that tradition?

 

MW:  I believe it was! I have a woefully limited knowledge of classic films, but [co-directors] Stirling and Wilder are both film buffs, and I know they were inspired by many of the classics. When I was preparing for the shoot, Wilder referred me to some movies that had inspired him, and the one that I actually drew from the most was the original Odd Couple with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. I think that movie is brilliant, and just really beautifully captures the dynamic of two people with intensely different lifestyles and hangups trying to live together (and making it work because they ultimately deeply care about each other). Also, fun fact — in the scene in the movie where Jon notices that Maggie’s labeled their duplicate DVDs, the DVD that he pulls out is His Girl Friday.

 

**

 

GE:  Which comic actresses inspire you?

 

MW:  A bunch! Kathryn Hahn, Issa Rae, Sharon Horgan come to mind — they all make such funny choices that really come out of such grounded, surprising emotional places. I’m also an improviser, and I learned pretty much everything I know about performing at the UCB theatre, so a lot of the women I perform with are really inspiring to me. So much of the time I’m just stealing what they do and trying to make it my own.

 

**

 

GE:  The movie was basically a two-person show (I can see it as a stage play), and you and Michael Blaiklock are in most scenes together. Is that a good working situation for you, or do you prefer a larger cast?

 

MW:  This was my first feature film, so I really loved working with such a small cast. It really allowed me to focus on my character’s relationship to one person, and gave me the time to explore and examine that relationship and make clear choices about its evolution. Also, I have to say, doing a two-person movie with Michael specifically was awesome- everything he did was so present and surprising, and he made it really fun. I highly recommend doing a two-person movie with him if the opportunity comes up!

 

**

 

GE:  I’d say one lesson of Cold War is that yes, you can spend too much time with a significant other. Assuming you were/are in a relationship with another person, what would you say is the ideal amount of time to spend together?

 

MW:  I think it’s nice to spend enough time apart so you both have interesting answers to “how was your day?”

 

**

 

GE:  Between you and Michael, there was quite a bit of puking in the movie. Was that method acting, perhaps residual memories from college days?

 

MW:  I wish … but unfortunately my wildest college experience was a time I stayed up all night organizing a filing cabinet. I am very proud of our puking sounds though — the most fun was doing ADR. Something feels so wrong (yet so right) about standing in a super polished recording studio and gagging into a state-of-the-art microphone.

 

**

 

Editor’s note: Rip van Dinkle was impressed by a scene in Cold War in which nurse Madeline shares screen time with a nude actor and his noodle. We let him ask Madeline one question.

 

 

Rip:  The scene in which you examine the naked patient was hilarious. I was in “The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant and I know that it can be like pulling teeth trying to find men who are willing to do something like that. Was that an awkward scene for you to film? Did the actor have any qualms about revealing his shortcomings to the world?

 

MW:  You know, it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, because Kenneth [Yoder], who played the patient, is a total pro. And I really just super appreciated that Wilder and Stirling showed full frontal male nudity in the type of movie where female nudity is usually much more common. They really made an effort to flip rom-com tropes in a lot of ways, and that’s what made this movie so exciting to me.

 

.                       

 

 **

 

Editor’s note: In the interests of equal time — lest anyone think that the patient with the flaccid penis represents the only skin on display in Cold War — here are some revealing screen shots of Madeline in the film:

 

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

grouchyeditor.com Madeline Walter

(Click on pictures for a larger, better view.)

 

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The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by pubicly publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.

So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?

 

 

Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?

 

 

Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?

(Click on pictures for a larger view)

 

 

 

 

Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:


 

“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”

Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.

 

 

Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.

“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here) and Alicia (click here), too.”

 

 

 

From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:

 

 

On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.

 

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

 

August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:

“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”

 

Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”

Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:

 

 

 

.                       

 

**

 

 

 

The Practical Joke

 

Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).

Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.

“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”

 

Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:

 

 

 

 

Kevyn Burger:  “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”

 

 Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)

 

KB:  “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”

KB:  “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”

Gal Pals:  “Yes!”

Gal Pal 2:  “I just about died.”

KB:  “He looks pretty proud.”

Gal Pal 2:  “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”

KB:  “And nothing else!”

Gal Pal 1:  “And nothing else.”

Gal Pal 2:  “Just his birthday suit.”

KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”

Gal Pal 2:  “We see everything else.” (laughter)

Gal Pal 1:  “I think we can see the identifying marks.”

 

**

 

 

 

Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:

 

 

 

**

 

.                

 

 

Rip was interviewed by “Simone” (not her real name, above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.

Simone got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.

 

“How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.

 

Simone told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:

“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’” 

Simone went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:

“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Simone  said.

Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:

 

 

Simone continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”

Says Rip: “That little girl (“Simone”) gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when I heard her comment on the podcast about getting balled — a lot.” (Scroll down for the audio clip.)

 

 

 

 

Simone’s podcast comment:

 

For the deaf or hard-of-hearing, here’s a transcript:

“For me personally, I’m someone who’s fucked a lot of people right away.”

 

Says Rip: “She’s an aspiring actress. I’d imagine there are low-budget producers in Hollywood who would be interested in a girl who will ‘do the deed’ with guys she’s just met. You know, like other actors.

“Maybe we could co-star in a remake of I Spit on Your Grave. She’d play the girl who gets gang-banged in the woods. I’d play the mentally challenged dude with a tiny cock who also gets a piece. Oh, and it would be unsimulated sex, of course!”

 

 

 

Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”

Below, Nicoletta (left) and Simone (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.

 

.                          

 

Simone:

“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?” 

 

Nicoletta:

“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”

“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”

“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”

 

*

 

One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.

 

 

 

 

Listen to the full podcast below:

 

**

 

 

 

Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:

 

Marlena: “How many women have you had sex with?”

“Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?”

“How wide is your penis?”

“Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?”

“How does having a small penis affect your life?”

Rip:  “Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.”

Marlena: “I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.”

 

 

Marlena: “Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?”

 

Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.

 

 

You can read Marlena’s interview with Rip by clicking here.

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.

 

 

Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.

After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.

 

**

 

I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick

 

 

“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook

 

You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone

 

**

 

Photo (Shop) Fun!

 

 

 Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view

 

 Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize

 

 Rip’s dinghy approaches the anchor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s been a while since we checked in with small-penis-pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle. We asked him to dig into his scrapbook to find some post-pageant mementos that he might share with us.

“It’s amazing,” Rip tells us, “how many gorgeous women who normally won’t give you the time of day, when they find out you’ll admit you have a tiny penis and that they can have a laugh at it — and a laugh at you — suddenly they are very interested in you.”

Unlike pot-bellied, mini-membered Rip, a lot of the women having a laugh at his expense are physical knockouts. They had a good look at Rip; let’s have a good look at them.

 

The Lawyer

 

 

 “You are obviously out and proud about your small penis”

 

Lawyer and penis connoisseur Madeleine Holden was not overly impressed with Rip’s manhood. “So your dick is small and you’re proud. Great,” Madeline wrote, with more than a touch of sarcasm. Here’s more from her Web site (Critique My Dick Pic), in which she rates dick pics from around the globe:

 

 

Luckily for her fans, Madeleine also posts selfies of herself:

 

 

**

 

The South American Journalist

 

 

 “My editor preferred to hide the penis”

 

Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro attended the 2015 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant and interviewed Rip for South American publications. Anna also played photojournalist, below, capturing Rip and the other contestants for her stories.

 

.                                           

 

Some months after Anna interviewed Rip backstage in Brooklyn, Rip returned the favor and interviewed Anna:

 

Rip asked if it was challenging for her to interview a man (him) while his tiny penis was in full view.

Anna:  I try to ignore all the awkward things around me while interviewing. But yes, it was a little bit awkward.

Rip asked if having a small sex organ is a source of embarrassment for South American men.

Anna:  Yes definitely, it´s something men always feel embarrassed and sad about.

Rip asked why, in the pictures Anna took of him and then posted online, his genitals were obscured by a black bar (below right).

 

 

.                                            

.                                                         Before                                      After 

 

Anna: Well, I think on that time my editor preferred to hide the penis areas because [it] is a very popular media and they consider more respectful with the readers like that.

 

Rip tells us that, if she’s interested, he would very much enjoy tutoring Anna in English as a second language.

 

 

**

 

The Model from North Dakota

 

 

“I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it”

 

Model Jaye M. interviewed Rip for a short article. Excerpts from the interview:

 

“Rip van Dinkle traveled from his home to be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age.”

 

Jaye:  Holy fuck, dude you are tiny!

Jaye:  I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.

Jaye:  Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off!

Jaye:  What makes you think you can pleasure me?

 

Jaye set aside her hostility long enough to pose with Rip for a short video in which the long-legged lass measured his junk. 

 

 

Despite her insults, Rip is forgiving and describes Jaye as a “hot piece of ass.” Here’s a short video of Jaye displaying her goods in the California sunshine:

 

 

**

 

The Sketch Artist

 

 

“Do you want the teeny weeny showing?”

 

MiYon Kosloske-Richardson (above) is a sometime artist who jumped at the opportunity to immortalize Rips’ pageant shame. MiYon didn’t actually attend the event, but she found inspiration from pageant photos, including this full-frontal shot of Rip:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click on the sketches below to see larger views of MiYon’s final work:

 

.                      

 

 

 

**

 

Funny Girl

 

 

“Show us your dick!”

 

Podcaster/comedian Zoe Nightingale was anxious to attend the 2015 pageant. Per her Instagram page (below), Zoe found out about the teeny-weenie show by reading Time Out New York:

 

 

Judging from her podcast commentary (click below), Zoe didn’t get the anti-body-shaming memo:

 

If the contestants had looked at these pictures Zoe posted of herself on social media, there might not have been any tiny dicks for her to laugh at:

 

.                      

 

**

 

The Beauty from Trinidad

 

 

“Special thanks to Rip van Dinkle”

 

Broadcaster and sometime model Kimi McCarthy, above, interviewed Rip for her radio show in Trinidad:

 

Kimi: “When are you coming to Trinidad?”

Rip: “I wish I was there right now. I hear Trinidad is really beautiful. I know Kimi is really beautiful.”

Kimi: “You’re so sweet.”

Rip: “You need to organize a small-penis pageant in Trinidad … Kimi can be one of the judges.”

Kimi: “I don’t mind. It’s for a good cause.”

 

 

Kimi plugged the interview on social media:

 

 

 

After that, Rip discovered these videos and wanted to plug Kimi:

 

 

Have a look at Kimi — top and bottom — in the videos below:

 

 

**

 

 

The average male’s greatest fear confirmed: Feminists do like to humiliate men with small dicks. Meredith Landry, editor of the feminist Web site Role Reboot, asked Rip to write a first-person account about his prick and its exposure at the pageants. That’s Meredith pictured above.

 

**

 

 

The Village Voice spotlighted Rip in its end-of-year edition. That particular photo has certainly made the rounds.

 

**

 

 

The small-penis pageant was Time Out New York’s sixth-most-read story of the year. Writer Rebecca Fontana (above) didn’t want her readers to miss out on any of the pictures.

 

 

**

 

 

Pageant organizer Bobbie Chaset, pictured above in I Dream of Jeannie garb, seemed to feel that pageant contestant “Flo Rida,” above right, has a more impressive dick than poor Rip, above left.

The following exchange is from Bobbie’s interview on a Detroit radio station:

 

Host:  Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?

Bobbie:  “If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.”

Bobbie:  “He’s not as small as the rest of the guys” – comparing Flo Rida to Rip and the other contestants.

 

**

 

 

Random Emasculation

 

 

Gorgeous “Sara,” pictured above, recognized a handsome pecker when she saw one, and just had to paint Rip’s for posterity:

 

 

OK, so that was a lie. In reality, Sara had a good belly-laugh when she saw poor Rip, far right in the photo below, posing next to some well-hung dudes.

 

 

 

Comments from Jezebel Readers

 

 

Mean Tweets

 

 

 

Facebook

 

Dr. Naomi Mac enjoyed all the small-penis bashing on Facebook:

 

“Loving the comments here”

 

Anne Marie Benavides was disgusted by the pageant and its participants:

 

 

“Are we really surprised that these gentrifying hipsters are small dick bastards? I would’ve gone with dickless.”

 

**

 

The Sisters

 

 

.                   

 

Rip was impressed by the large number of African-American women attending the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageants.

So was podcaster Zoe Nightingale, who had a question for some of them:

 

“Are you here just to see a small white penis for the first time? I knew it – there are so many beautiful black people here to laugh at the white people.”

 

Nightingale

 

Potter

 

YouTube’s Titty Talk Show sent “our lady in the streets,” Bri’en Potter, pictured above and below, to interview contestants at the 2013 pageant:

 

 

Rip acquaintance Aleeya Michelle didn’t mince words after she evaluated his manhood on Skype:

 

 

“It is a puny white boy dick.”

“That is not a big pee-pee … that’s a pee.”

 

Seems only fair that since Aleeya had a look at Rip’s equipment, readers should have a look at hers:

 

 

 

 

Brokelyn writer-photographer Mary Dorn, above, covered the penis pageants in 2013 and 2014. Some excerpts from one of her stories:

 

 

 

 

**

 

And finally … it takes a special brand of woman to actually slide a ruler up alongside Rip’s dangling noodle.

 

 

Some guys might consider letting a woman measure their cock, take pictures of the humiliation, and then post the results for the entertainment of other women as rather a … shameful situation. Not Rip, who is philosophical: “If a lady is willing to get that up close and personal to my genitals and then play with them, photos are the price I’m willing to pay.”

Who prodded Rip with a ruler? Aimee Arciuolo, Cyndi Freeman, Amy Minnick, and Jaye M.

 

 

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.                                                      Aimee                                          Jaye

 

.                                              

.                                               

.                                                        Cyndi                                         Amy

 

 

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first

 

What’s the most embarrassing thing a woman can do to a dude? How about pull his pants down, expose his (tiny) penis, take pictures and then share his secret with the world? Oh, and why not measure his privates with a ruler?

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

1

 

Who’s Measuring

Rip van Dinkle’s Dink?

 

asha6

 

.  1  2

.  The penis pageant showrunner …         … measures Rip on stage

 

. aiden  aiden-2

. The “mean girl” …                                     … gets Rip’s statistics

 

.  jaye-1  jaye-2

.  The Minnesota model …                         … disrespects her elder

 

.  3 5

.  The B-movie star …                                  … joins in the fun

 

.  amy-1  minnick

.  The photographer …                       … documents Rip’s “manhood”

 

**

 

The Minnesota Model

 

jaye4

 

Twenty-five-year-old Jaye was tasked with giving old man Rip a video physical. This required her to examine his manhood with a magnifying glass, test his penile muscle with a pencil, and measure his member with a ruler. Jaye performed her duties admirably.

When Rip discovered that Jaye would actually be touching his penis, he was concerned that the results of her measurement would be less than scientific.

“This was a real test for my smallness,” Rip said. “I knew I was in trouble when we got to her apartment, where she and I shot the videos. I had to follow her up some stairs and, as you can see in the bikini picture below, Jaye has an ass born for boners. In fact, she told me an old boyfriend had a nickname for her: Bonerific.”

Jaye’s penis poking, prodding, and near-puking are captured in the short videos below.

 

Jaye

 

.                    jaye3 jaye5 jaye8

.                    jaye2 jaye7 jaye6

Click on pictures for bigger views of Jaye

 

Prior to their, ahem, “hands-on” video shoot, Rip and budding journalist Jaye M. collaborated on a short print interview. Read it here:

 

Have you ever wondered who has the smallest penis in Brooklyn? That could possibly be Rip van Dinkle, a contestant in last year’s annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. He has traveled from his home in Minnesota twice to compete, and be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age. One of them decided to start a conversation.

JAYE MILLSPAUGH: Jesus fuck, you’re tiny! Do you even know who I am?

RIP VAN DINKLE:  I’ve been told that “it’s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat,” that matters to most women. Then again, one woman did comment that her two-year-old baby boy is better hung than I am.

Do I know who you are? I was told you are a journalist for one of those feminist sites, Jezebel or Cosmopolitan or something. Is that not the case?

JM: Are you serious? And, god no. Do I look like a fucking geek? I’m only the hottest supermodel in Minnesota. What makes you think you can get with me?

RVD: Gosh, I didn’t know you were a model, too. I’ll have to find your pictures and spend some time with them – that’s a good description of most of my dates lately.

JM: Are you kidding me? How do you not know my face? Everyone knows my face. And you know my ex played for the Gophers, right? Third-string quarterback. You’re like, one-third his size. I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.

RVD: I’ve been told that my penis is similar to a Tootsie Roll, the small ones, that is. I’m sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. My manhood is about 1.5 inches long, so if he’s three times that size, I guess he’s not real big, either.

JM: Oh no, he’s totally big. I don’t date guys who aren’t. I mean seriously, like how is yours even effective?

RVD: My penis, you mean?

JM: Yeah.

RVD: I’ve never actually had a woman ask, “Is it in yet?” On the other hand, my ex-wife Amy did used to ask me, “Is it still in, or did it pop out again?” Guys like me sometimes have trouble keeping it in.

JM: Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off! Could you please go crawl in a hole and leave me alone?

RVD: Oh, I’m quite sure I could fit inside you. In fact, I could probably fit inside you four or five times, if I had four or five more cocks the size of mine. Leave you alone? Aren’t you the one interviewing me?

JM: Whatever. Just know I’m not interested. What makes you think you can pleasure me though? Please explain your techniques.

RVD: I kind of doubt that I could pleasure you. Especially since you are a supermodel. I’ve discovered that what worked for other women who slept with me was their imagination. You would just have to imagine that I am, oh, say Jamie Foxx in Django Unchained. You know, the scene where he is naked and hanging upside down? And his big penis is hanging down? That image worked pretty well for my ex.

Plus, I am getting old and don’t produce much sperm anymore, so the whole thing would be over for you pretty quick.

JM: Yeah, that shit’s not gonna work for me. How many other women has that worked on? I’m guessing none!

RVD: You’re right. That’s why I have a tongue, I suppose.

JM: I would certainly hope so. Was your ex-wife even hot? I bet she looked like Shrek.

RVD: It’s true that the first time my ex-wife slept with me, she was drunk. She might not have remembered how tiny I am the next morning. [Editor’s Note: See Rip’s ex-wife, pictured below. Click on pictures for a bigger view.]

 

.                                                     

 

On the other hand, I’m guessing that this photo shoot I did with Amy (the photographer, not my ex-wife) will attract lots of women once the photos get posted on the Internet.

JM: You’re fucking delusional if you think lots of women will be attracted to you. What the fuck happened to your ex-wife? Did she kill herself after sobering up?

RVD: She married another guy in Texas. She told me there was “no comparison” between him and me. I assume that means my pecker is prettier. You’ve seen my pictures – don’t you think that’s probably the case?

JM: God, no. You’re fucking gross. Bye, Losersaurus Rex!

RVD: Can I have your phone number? You seemed to be quite impressed with me, and it seems like we hit it off. You can call me Jamie.

*Quickly walks away and flips him off.

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

2

 

**

 

A “Growing Concern”

 

jaye

“From what I’ve seen, it’s still well below average.”

 

Rip’s dick measurements did not all go smoothly. Although his “little friend” stayed within its normal size range – just under 2 inches – when he stood on a Brooklyn stage in front of scores of cheering women, that wasn’t always the case in more intimate settings with model Jaye and photographer Amy.

Jaye’s fingering of his noodle had caused his blood to flow — downhill. Rip mentioned his partial erection to her, just in case she hadn’t noticed. Jaye replied: “From what I’ve seen, it’s still well below average.”

Jaye informed Rip that she intended to show the video to her friends, who would get a laugh out of his videotaped exposure.

 

minnick-1

 

Photographer Amy, who spent hours documenting Rip’s tiny tool, at one point stopped shooting his nude self and blushed. With an awkward smile, she told Rip that “it” had grown bigger.

Rip later explained: “Doesn’t matter if you have a small dick or not. When you are naked and there is a woman kneeling in front of you, two feet away, and aiming her camera at your crotch, you are going to get excited.  I mean, she’s looking at your package. So you are thinking about sex.  Jaye was playing with my penis, and Amy was taking close-ups of my nut sack. What was I supposed to do?”

 

dsc_1835

Amy’s parting shot of Rip 

 

**

 

The Gal Pal

 

.   face  carra2

“I see there is good and bad to being the smallest weenie”

 

But what about Rip’s friends – especially female friends? What did they think of Rip’s public exposure — or, as some would have it, his public emasculation?

Rip checked in with buddy Michele Carrasquillo (above left), who had earlier sent this message to him:

 

“I don’t mind seeing too much penis, but I’d prefer if they were on super-hot guys not doing super-gross stuff. Just sayin’. Vive la Penis!”

 

Michele was unaware of Rip’s participation in the small-penis pageant. He directed her to a Web site that had done a story about the event.

What did Michele think? Was she embarrassed for Rip, now that she knew the secret of his mini-manhood? Would she laugh at his cock, now that she’d seen it? Would she wonder if it was any bigger when it was erect?

 

2013

 

Michele: “Rip Van Dinkle”?

Ha ha ha! It is you. I recognize the headband from your video. I see you have been keeping yourself busy. You are one step away from being a full-blown celebrity. Thanks for sharing. What big project is next? Or should I say, little project? 

 

Rip: shhhhh … don’t tell anybody ….

 

Michele: No worries … I won’t give away your alias or secret hobby. Long live penis pageants! So, did you win anything in that contest? I’m thinking, second place is still worthy of a prize.

 

Rip: Am surprised you hadn’t heard of it. Pictures and videos all over the Internet. I could have won the stupid thing, but I got nervous about all of the negative attention and decided I did not want to win. So I began flipping the bird to the crowd and scowling at them. It worked … and I was right about the negative attention.

 

Michele: Ahh, I see there is good and bad to being the smallest weenie. Maybe you were meant to be the #1 next year for Miley! Leave the birds at home though!

 

2016

 

Rip: I did the small-penis pageant in Brooklyn again. I’d send you links to some of the stories, but then you would see pictures of my small penis, and I’d prefer that you be fooled and assume that I have a big penis. And big balls.

 

Michele: Well, you clearly have big balls. Ha ha! I saw some of the earlier articles.

 

 

.   new1       new2

“Well, you clearly have big balls. Ha ha!”

 

 

.                     grouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo grouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo grouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo

Click on pictures for bigger views of Michele

 

 

Rip got no sympathy from sexy Michele who, instead of reassuring him in his masculinity, could not resist piling on:

 

.                          2      6

“What big project is next?

                         Or should I say, little project?” 

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

3

.

 

**

 

Part 3

 

In the third and final part of the series, Rip does Skype with bloggers and sex workers, and is slut-shamed by two “mean girls.” Part 3 is coming soon. Click here to go to Part 1.

 

 

© 2010-2018 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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rip2Photo by Amy Minnick

 

We asked Smallest Penis in Brooklyn contestant Rip van Dinkle to find out if size matters — specifically, to find out if his size matters.

Rip revealed his (not quite) two-inch tool to a bevy of attractive women — about half of them in face-to-face … er, face-to-penis encounters, and the other half over Skype — and asked them to pass judgment.

And because we realize that not more than three or four people on the planet care to read a post loaded with pictures of Rip’s puny pecker, we included eye-candy shots of the girls who ogled Rip’s manhood.

The leering ladies ran the gamut: podcasters, bloggers, a sex writer, a photographer, models, bar managers, some sex workers, and a few “girls next door.” Here they are:

 

 

Who’s Looking at Rip’s Dick?

 

.                   aimeealeeya

                               Aimee                            Aleeya                            Sara

 

.                   cerseichristinecyndi

                               Cersei                            Christine                       Cyndi

 

.                   emilyjayegrouchyeditor.com Michele Carrasquillo

                                Emily                             Jaye                              Michele

 

.                   grouchyeditor.com Lilith

                                Marcie                            Lilith                            Sandra

 

.                   bishopdeejuli

                                Aiden                            Dee                                 Juliana

 

.                   mistygrouchyeditor.com Abbi Sterngrouchyeditor.com Rachel Khona

                                Misty                             Abbi                            Rachel

 

.                   maggievivianamy

                                Maggie                          Vivian                           Amy

 

.                   aliciagrouchyeditor.com Melanie Riedersgrouchyeditor.com Poppins

                                Alicia                           Melanie                   Just Kidding 

 

 

The Podcasters:

 

.                   rachel rip3 abbi

 

mail

questions

 

Rachel Khona attended the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant “to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them.” Khona, a sex writer, then invited Rip to discuss his package on her podcast, which she co-hosted with gal-pal Abbi Stern.

Rachel made it clear on the podcast that she would never, ever consider sleeping with someone like Rip, what with his puny pecker and all. Apparently, Rachel and Abbi wanted from Rip that rarest of things: a male who would actually confess in public that yes, his dick was lacking.

 

From the podcast:

 

Stern:  “It’s hilarious that anybody would want to advertise they have a small penis, because I don’t know how they’re ever gonna get ass after that.”

Khona:  “It’s sad. It feels like there’s a finger in you. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s there.”

 

. khona44    “So what’s it like having a small penis? How big does it get?”

 

. rip2    “Are you counting limp? For me, that’s not quite two inches.”

 

 

Moral of the story:  If you are under-hung, you don’t get to fuck Rachel. But she will giggle at your little dick.

 

 

.                   khona1 khona2 khona3

.                   khona5 khona6 khona7

                                   Click on pictures for bigger views of Rachel

 

khona

.

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

1

 

**

 

The Photo Shoot:

 

rip1

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Rip’s participation in the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant brought him Internet notoriety. But he doesn’t live in Brooklyn; he lives in Minneapolis.

Local photographer Amy Minnick recruited models Sara, Marcie, and Sandra (not their real names) to pose with naked-as-a-jaybird Rip. The goal was not to flatter the bearded, beer-bellied Baby Boomer. The goal was to depict how a group of sexy ladies might react to Rip and his mini member.

When Rip revealed his private parts to the ladies in these pictures, they were polite enough not to giggle at his shortcomings – at least not in front of him. In the picture below, Rip himself was not present, so the girls felt free to express how they really felt — especially with Rip’s organ pictured side-by-side with other, more fortunate males.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Sara

 

Sara was the most enthusiastic model. When photographer Amy needed a volunteer to check out Rip’s manhood with a magnifying glass, Sara did not have to be asked twice: 

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Above, Sara zooms in on her subject matter. In the picture below, Rip owns the prick at far right. But you already guessed that.

We can’t imagine what Sara finds so funny. She probably felt sorry for the two chaps on the left.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

.                      

                                     Click on pictures for bigger views of Sara

 

Sandra

 

Sandra was required to strip down to black bra and thong panties. This presented a challenge for Rip. As the possessor of a tiny penis, would the sight of half-naked Sandra prompt a … physical change in him? Would his penile puniness be exposed as a fraud?

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

In the photo above, Sandra apparently sees something amusing in her wine glass.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Above, Rip conquers a potentially embarrassing boner by concentrating not on Sandra’s “fuck me, Rip” pose in the bed behind him but rather on … a strap-on dildo?

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

 

Sandra, who apparently hasn’t seen enough, uses binoculars to eyeball Rip’s junk. At least it wasn’t a telescope.

 

.                   

                                 Click on pictures for bigger views of Sandra

 

 

 

Marcie

 

Marcie was the quiet, bashful model in the studio. We have no idea what she might have been thinking when she came face-to-face with Rip and his dangling noodle. But her smile seemed to indicate that she enjoyed his birthday-suit shame fame.

 

Photo by Amy Minnick

Above, the ladies (left to right: Marcie, Sara, and Sandra) try not to check out Rip’s none-too-impressive sex organ as he serves them wine 

 

Says Rip, “Mostly, the girls tried not to let me catch them staring at my crotch. They would sneak peeks when they thought I wasn’t looking. I did catch Sara having a look once or twice. They all had to stifle giggles.”

 

 

.

Moral of the story:  We asked Rip if this photo shoot, featuring naked him and four clothed women, was a humiliating experience. “OK, it wasn’t exactly a Playgirl centerfold shoot,” he said. “But hey, how many guys can say they spent three hours on a Saturday afternoon with four chicks ogling their junk?”

A very good point.

Alas, Rip did not get a piece of ass from these ladies. The girls did, however, enjoy emasculating him.

 

**

 

Hats off (pants off?) to Amy Minnick, the woman who took the, uh, interesting black-and-white photos. Not only did the lens on her camera not shatter, but she endured hours of close scrutiny of Rip’s hairy cock and balls. We’re guessing that, outside of Rip himself (and his ex-wife), no one has spent more time staring at his twig and berries than Amy has.

Then again, who knows? Maybe she enjoyed it. Amy is pictured below.

 

amy

 

**

 

From Thought Catalog:

 

3

.

 

**

 

Part 2

 

In Part 2, Rip has his dick measured by a Minnesota model and confesses his penis-pageant participation to sexy gal-pal Michele. Featuring video clips. Click here to go to Part 2.

 

© 2010-2018 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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(Click on any picture for a larger view)

 

We were curious about the backstage antics at Brooklyn’s annual small-penis pageant, and so we turned to two-time contestant Rip van Dinkle (above, at the 2015 contest) for some answers to our questions – and we had quite a few of them. Who, for example, is allowed in the contestants’ dressing room? Do participants suffer from pre-pageant jitters, or from the sudden realization that one’s penis will soon be on display for hundreds of boisterous women? Does Rip have bedroom fantasies about the women who saw (and judged) him in his birthday suit?

 

Grouchy Editor – Tell us about the scene in your dressing area before the pageants. Are women allowed in there?

Rip Van Dinkle – Oh, man, aside from the contestants, it’s all women backstage. Some of them are supposed to be there, like the pageant organizers and media people who are there for interviews. But there are some people who just wander in, with no real reason for being there except, I suppose, to ogle us. But there were also a few naked women backstage. In the first pageant, “Cherry Pitz” [Editor’s note: burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman] was in the show, and she stripped down to a black thong – and nothing up top – right in front of me.  I believe she was 49 at the time, and married, and looking hot. There was also a female musician parading around topless during the pageant this year.

One of the judges, Kate Hakala, kept walking into the room while we were dressing. She had no real reason to be down there, other than to check us out in the nude, I guess. I read the story she wrote about judging the pageant, and it seemed like she was very much on the prowl for small dicks. I guess she decided to see more of us than she was seeing on the stage.

GE – Tell us about the media.  It reminds us of female reporters in the men’s locker room at professional sporting events, which was quite controversial.

RVD – They say you have to be brassy to be a good reporter, and that was certainly true of the ballsy bunch I saw in the dressing area. A reporter from Gawker [Editor’s note: Victor Jeffreys II], one of the few male reporters, drew me aside to ask questions. At some point, I glanced down and saw that he was holding his cell-phone camera in front of my groin; he’d been taking close-up pictures during the interview. That kind of pissed me off, but he certainly got what he wanted. I checked out his story in Gawker and there were all these shots of my junk in huge close-up, including shots he took later when the judges were measuring our cocks on stage.

 

.                  Stage2   Stage3   Stage4

Gawker published these intimate pictures of Rip submitting to penis-measurements by judges Cyndi Freeman, left, and Aimee Arciuolo, center.  At right, one of Jeffreys’ surreptitious crotch shots.

 

A female photographer at the first pageant spotted me sitting alone, drinking a Coke, and asked if she could take pictures. I said sure and brushed my hair a bit, but that was unnecessary because she wasn’t interested in my hair. She just kind of leaned over and stuck her camera between my thighs and began taking pictures. I should mention that I wasn’t completely naked; I was wearing one of those tuxedo thongs. But she and the Gawker guy were there to get pictures of our genitals and by God that’s what they got.

GE – You mentioned the foreign press …

RVD – Oh yes.  There was this gorgeous reporter from Brazil, Anna something [Editor’s note: Anna Gabriela Ribeiro], and she came up to ask me questions. One thing almost every interviewer asks me is, “How small is your penis?” She didn’t ask me that, which I thought was kind of odd until I realized what I was wearing. We didn’t have mirrors to look at ourselves backstage, and this was our first costume, which I thought covered us up. I was wrong. It was black underwear but with a see-thru patch right over the genitals, so this girl had a clear view of my twig and berries, dangling just inches below her notepad. She would have no trouble describing my shortcomings for her readers. It might also have explained the smile on her face while she was interviewing me. She also took pictures during the show. Several of them popped up on Spanish-language Web sites.

 

.                  Stage5  Stage6  Stage7

Ribeiro and her view while interviewing Rip

 

GE – OK, enough about journalists. Who else was in the dressing room?

RVD – At both pageants, Aimee Arciuolo was there helping us adjust our costumes. She was the creator of the pageant and had a hand in designing the costumes.  She wanted us as exposed as possible, and told me before the first pageant that our underwear would be as transparent as plastic wrap. For the 2015 pageant, Bobbie Chaset pretty much took over managing duties, so she was always around. Legally, we weren’t supposed to get completely naked during the show, but I discussed flashing the audience with Bobbie beforehand and she encouraged me to do it. So I did.

GE – Anyone else backstage?

RVD – There were the “penis kittens,” of course. They had various duties, but mostly they just had to look cute. Some of them, I think, used Super Soakers to wet our crotches before the penis measuring.

   Stage8

“Penis Kittens” from left to right: Racheal, Audrey, Amanda

 

GE – We should come clean here. We really aren’t interested in hearing any more about your experiences at the pageant. What we really wanted to do was find an excuse to run pictures of some of the good-looking women associated with the contest. We wanted to turn the tables on some of the females who ogled you guys. We’d love your comments on these pictures.

RVD – Excellent. Let’s do it.

GE – We’d also like you to give us a favorite sex fantasy about each of them.

RVD – That sounds sexist. Count me in.

 

**

 

“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.” Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet, New York Post

 

montage

 

 

The Leering Ladies

 

Pageant creator/manager/judge Aimee Arciuolo

 

.                  Stage10  Stage11  Stage12

.                  Stage13  Stage14  Stage15

 

RVD – Aimee has a great rack and nice legs. I guess she could relate to us guys in the pageant since she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, herself. Until I saw these pictures, I had no idea she let her tits hang out in public. Great-looking tits, blue or any other color.

Aimee told Gothamist that she and her friends discussed ways to make us get erections during the pageant, I suppose so they could measure us limp-dicked and also with boners. Aimee really wanted to give the females in the bar a good show. She was upset that a city ordinance wouldn’t let us show cock, so she and her mother designed “penis tuxedoes” so that our balls hung out for all to see.

But I was game for anything at the pageant. If Aimee had said to me, “Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?” I would have said to her, “Yes, ma’am. If that’s what you want, no problem.” Humiliating, I suppose, but I’m sure she would have loved that.

 

“If Aimee had said to me, ‘Rip, there are women with cameras out there who want their money’s worth. Will you ejaculate on stage so they can get souvenir pictures?’ I would have said to her, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

 

.                  Stage16  Stage17  Stage18

Rip: “For a woman who claims to favor small dicks, Aimee looks pretty pleased to see Flo Rida’s big pecker.”

 

RVD – These screen caps and the video below are from the first pageant. A guy calling himself Flo Rida broke the rules and flashed his dick. I’m pretty sure this kind of rule-breaking pleased Aimee, even though she acts shocked in these pictures.

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  She’s kind of a show-off, so I’d love to do her doggie-style on stage. At a biker bar. Hey – remember, this is the girl who put me through the indignity of measuring my penis on stage in front of a bar full of women. With cameras.

 

In the video above, Cyndi (big wig) and Aimee measure little manhoods on stage. Rip is the contestant in the middle.

 

*****

 

Bartender/manager Bobbie Chaset

 

Stage19

Rip is interviewed by Rolling Stone while Bobbie Chaset, right, looks on

 

.                  Stage20  Stage21  Stage22

 

RVD – These pictures surprise me. They must be some years old. I thought Bobbie was too reserved to dress in such a sexy costume and in such “fuck me” poses. Also, are those panties see-thru? Looks to me like some pussy hair poking through, but that could be my wishful thinking.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Those pictures remind me of bondage. It would be fun to tie her up, put a gag in her mouth, and do her on stage. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Journalist Anna Gabriela Ribeiro

 

.                  Stage23   Stage24   Stage25

 

RVD – After she interviewed me, she took a bunch of pictures during the contest. They were published on South American Web sites, but I noticed my crotch was “black barred” in them.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Probably we’d do a scene for a Brazilian porno flick. Does Brazil have porno flicks?

 

*****

 

“Penis Kittens” Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk, Racheal Selles-Czuk

 

.                 Stage26  Stage27  Stage28

Left to right: Racheal Selles-Czuk, Amanda Hollenbeck, Audrey Selles-Czuk

 

RVD – Honestly, I’m not sure what they did. I believe they were supposed to hose our crotches with Super Soakers, but it was too chaotic to notice who was squirting what. Cute girls, though. Look at Amanda – doesn’t she look like some glamorous 1940s film star?

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Racheal and Audrey are sisters, so of course we’d have a threesome. Amanda has kind of that classic, movie-star look, so I’d do her classic missionary-style. At a biker bar.

 

*****

 

Burlesque queen Cyndi Freeman

 

.                  Stage29  Stage30  Stage31

.                  Stage32  Stage33  Stage34

 

RVD – Looks pretty good for 50, doesn’t she? I guess she has a very understanding husband, since she spends so much time parading around half-naked in front of other men. She struck me as one horny lady. During the second pageant, which I did not attend, she basically dry humped a contestant who, from the look of the pictures, was wearing only a shirt – no underwear. In other words, Cyndi in her thong grinding pussy against his genitals. [Editor’s note: See GIF at bottom] She also seems to enjoy eyeballing Flo Rida’s big prick in the pictures [above and below]. And she was one of the judges who measured my manhood on stage.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cyndi Freeman

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I think she’s kinky, so I’d have her down on her knees, giving me head while her husband watches. By the way, Cyndi once did a soft-core TV show for Showtime. It has Cyndi tits, Cyndi ass, Cyndi getting fucked by a sleazy dude – check it out.

 

 

*****

 

Gawker reporter Victor Jeffreys II

 

Stage35

 

RVD – Annoying dude, but he was there for dick pics and he got them – especially mine. [Editor’s note: That’s Jeffreys below the yellow arrow in the picture, watching Dinkle get measured.]

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Go fuck yourself. Although there is a scene in Deliverance that comes to mind.

 

*****

 

Judges Natalie Shure, Kate Hakala, Krystyna Hutchinson

 

.                   Stage36  grouchyeditor.com Kate Hakala  Stage38

Left to right, judges Shure, Hakala, Hutchinson

 

RVD – The brunette, Krystyna Hutchinson, was super hot. The other brunette in the glasses looks hot in her picture, but what you can’t tell from it is that she is a very big girl. Big everywhere. Not my cup of tea.  The last judge, Kate Hakala, wrote an article for Mic and bragged about having “evaluated cock constantly.” I guess now she can add mine to her checklist.

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  Krystyna, anal sex. Natalie, boob sex. Kate, I’d have to see how she evaluated my cock on her list.

 

Stage39

 

The 2015 judges were unimpressed by Rip’s puny pecker, pictured above. After finishing in second place at the 2013 pageant, Rip and his (normally) 1.5-inch penis experienced shrinkage, demoted to fourth place by the prick-analyzing female judges.

 

*****

 

Gothamist photographer Melanie Rieders

 

.                  Rieders1  Rieders2  Rieders3

Rieders enjoys hanging with big dicks (far right) as well as wee ones

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 

RVD – This girl Melanie probably captured the most explicit shot of my wiener (below). I was surprised to see it posted on Gothamist, which is a fairly mainstream Web site, because her photo doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. From the stage, I didn’t notice her, but she must have been in the front row and prepared for my flash, because I didn’t have my bathrobe open for more than a few seconds.

 

Rieders5

Photo by Melanie Rieders

 

grouchyeditor.com Melanie Rieders

 Rieders in the crowd, moments after capturing a shot of Rip’s dick

 

Rip’s Sex Fantasy:  I looked her up on the Web and discovered a bikini shot of her (below). My God, does she have a humpable, pumpable little ass, or what? I’m thinking I’d do her doggie-style, right there on that raft. Guys like me aren’t built for big-bottomed girls, because we have to make it past all that butt cheek, but Melanie’s perky bubble butt? I’m thinking I could squeeze into that.

 

Rieders4

 

 *****

 

Stage40

Cyndi Freeman, aka Cherry Pitz, dry humps a bare-bottomed contestant

 

To read more about Rip’s adventures at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, click here or here.

 

© 2010-2018 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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Nyhus Collin

 

 

Feedback

 

Sex sells. It can also ruffle feathers. On the rare occasions that The Grouch gets feedback from the subjects of his articles, the reaction runs the gamut from happy campers to not-so-happy campers. The following is selected feedback from a few sort-of, kind-of, semi-celebrities. (Click on any picture for a larger image.)

 

 

Happy Camper: Deborah Voorhees

 

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When The Grouch wrote about a brief encounter he had 25 years ago with sexy starlet Deborah Voorhees (aka Deborah Bradley, aka Debisue Voorhees), the star of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning could not have been more gracious. Grouch found Deborah on Facebook and told her that he had written a “guilty pleasure” post about his meeting with her in Texas, circa 1990, and said that he intended to mention her famous nude scene in Friday – an exposure that cost her a post-acting job as a teacher.

Her messages to Grouch, before and after reading the article:

 

2

3 

 

Below, screen captures from 1985’s Friday the 13th: A New Beginning.  These topless, bottomless views of Deborah cemented her standing as every red-blooded American male’s favorite victim of Jason.

 

.              6 7 8

.              9 10 11

.              12 13

 

 

Unhappy Camper: She Who Must Not Be Named

 

Liz Sklar 1

 

When The Grouch published a review of Imbued that included shots of She Who Must Not Be Named in her birthday suit, the brunette hottie found out about it and, well, see her e-mail requests below.

In the picture above, She Who Must Not Be Named does not look particularly thrilled to be taking instructions from director Rob Nilsson, who might have been asking her to lose the dress for the nude scenes pictured below.

 

Sklar A

 

Sklar B

 

.              Liz Sklar a Liz Sklar b Liz Sklar c

.              Liz Sklar d Liz Sklar e Liz Sklar f

 

Oh, please. You took off your clothes for a movie that, presumably, you hoped as many people as possible would see. And then you object when screen captures of your booty pop up on the Internet?

 

.              Liz Sklar 2 Liz Sklar 3 Liz Sklar 4

.              Liz Sklar 5 Liz Sklar 6 Liz Sklar 7

 

 

 Mostly Happy Camper: “Dutch”

 

Dutch

 

Grouch discovered a YouTube channel called “Horrible Reviews” and was so amused that he wrote about its creator, a funny fellow known to us as “Dutch” (above). Dutch liked the Grouch’s story:

 

b

c

 

Unfortunately for The Grouch, Dutch has 95,000 extremely loyal followers, and some of them reacted to Grouch’s story the way Trump fans react when you attack Trump.

 

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f

g

h

 

 

Last But Certainly Least: Rip van Dinkle

 

Small-penis pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle, subject of two stories (here and here), responded by sending The Grouch two holiday cards featuring his bearded self with Minneapolis news personalities Liz Collin (the blonde) and Natalie Nyhus. The cards are at the top of this page and the third picture below this paragraph. It’s just a hunch, but we’re guessing that Photoshop might have been involved ….

 

.                        Natalie Nyhus      Liz Collin

Collin Nyhus

 

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