The Grouchy Editor

The Onion crowned North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, above, as the “sexiest man alive,” and a Chinese newspaper fell for it.  Ha ha.  But you know what?  I’m not so sure that belittling the sex appeal of a dangerous nutball who is itching to show off his country’s nuclear capabilities is a particularly good idea.

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Two and a Half Men star Angus T. Jones (above, with some chick) trashed his own show, urging Americans to stop watching it and branding the sitcom as sinful “filth.”

I watched the show once or twice during the Charlie Sheen hullaballoo, just to see what all the fuss was about.  I didn’t think its major sin was “filth.”  It was crappy writing.

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Two-word terms that I don’t ever want to hear again:  1) fiscal cliff;  2) Lindsay Lohan

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I broke down and watched The Avengers on Blu-ray.  It sure looked pretty.  It sure was stupid.

Director Joss Whedon and company made a ton of money off this drivel, which is fine by me; I can’t begrudge them that.  But what grates is the self-congratulatory nonsense that its cast and crew spew in the video’s extras.  Everyone involved with this movie was “wonderful,” and the film itself is “brilliant.”

Meanwhile, Entertainment Weekly continues its devolution into People magazine, or possibly Out magazine, devoting its cover and 36 pages to “entertainers of the year.”  Sexpot Whedon (below) is photographed ripping open his shirt and is sanctified by actor Nathan Fillion, who informs readers that Whedon’s “vision was deep and expansive, emotional and human.  He knew every possible angle of the world….  That’s why he was so perfect for The Avengers.”

Silly me.  I thought The Avengers was just an expensive comic-book movie.

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I’m not too crazy about the marketing practice in which Web sites track our online surfing in order to customize our likes and dislikes.  Marketers at The Huffington Post have determined that I am a likely fan of this story:

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 Poopyheads

“The president was … elected on the basis that he was not Romney and Romney was a poopyhead and you should vote against Romney.”

I tried to find a picture of a real poopyhead to go along with this Grover Norquist quote, but I am not sure what a genuine poopyhead looks like.  I suspect it looks a lot like Grover Norquist, so here is a picture of him.

“Tractor Supply [Company], that’s not a real thing, right?” — precious poopyhead Toure (below) on The Cycle last week, proving that privileged, clueless liberals are alive and well in TV punditry-land.

Jonathan Alter — dude, you’re not fooling anyone with that pathetic comb-over.  We can tell that you are a bald poopyhead.

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The Grouch finally caved and bought his first flat-screen, high-definition TV, along with a Blu-ray player.  His first impression?  The clearest, most striking images are all in the commercials.

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Shows that the media love but hardly any real people watch:  The Colbert Report and Girls.  Below, Gawker’s comparison of Girls and Veep, which is another new series on HBO.

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During Obama’s visit to Staten Island last week, I noticed Chris Christie standing in the president’s entourage.  Turns out it wasn’t Chris Christie.  It was Janet Napolitano, above left with her back to the camera.  My apologies to … somebody.

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Grouchyeditor.com is experiencing computer hell.  We hope to be up and running shortly.  In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of a crazed goat.

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Post-election thoughts, because no one else has an opinion about politics, and the world is dying to hear mine:

• I’m not so much thrilled for Democrats — they are full of crap on too many issues — as I am relieved at the prospect of no Mitty Rich.  Republicans now know how I felt in 2004, when it became apparent that there would be four more years of Bush.

• Fox’s Bill O’Reilly and Charles Krauthammer blamed the hurricane for Romney’s “momentum halt.”  Since hurricanes are deemed acts of God, I assume that means God wanted an Obama win.

• O’Reilly, who claims solidarity with “the folks,” can’t understand the little guy’s temerity:  “Obama wins because it’s not a traditional America anymore,” Bill lamented, adding, “People want things.”  Imagine that.  The “folks” apparently harbor a radical belief that Romney and the super-rich shouldn’t own  everything.

• Big business, which for years has been whining that “uncertainty” prevented it from adding jobs, can finally stop fretting.  Now it has certainty:  four more years of Obama.

• It was nice to see Florida still undecided when the election was called.  If ever a state deserved to be irrelevant in an election, it’s Florida.

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HLN’s Clark Howard and Ryan Smith discussed the recent hurricane and the hardship it caused East Coasters who were temporarily forced back to the “Stone Age” of telephone landlines.  “It felt so old school,” New Yorker Christy Claxton told the New York Times, “like we were back in 1998.”

I don’t own a cell phone.  Never even used one.  Just call me Gwump.

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“It’s what Denny would have wanted.”

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We here at Grouchyeditor have a soft spot for the female derriere.  Apparently, American Horror Story creator Ryan Murphy, who is gay, has a related weakness.

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“Why do you have to put [CNN’s] Ali Velshi in Atlantic City hour after hour after hour after hour, with him being blown around by the wind?  I think it was a CNN executive, off-camera with a gun to his [Velshi’s] head.”  — Michael Moore to Piers Morgan

I’d be less than honest if I didn’t admit to experiencing a bit of schadenfreude watching TV reporters clinging to lampposts and getting drenched during hurricane coverage.  It’s especially fun to see big-name anchors like Anderson Cooper and Erin Burnett take a soaking.  And who could forget Al Roker’s memorable reporting during Hurricane Wilma (below)?

In related news, CNN relied heavily on “iReporters” — a term I have come to loathe — for storm reports.  Hey, “iReporter,” you are not an Apple product and you are certainly not a journalist.  You are just some schmuck with a camera.

Mitt Romney was also concerned about storm victims.  I’m sure Romney has rich pals who suffered damage to their multi-million-dollar vacation homes, and that is certainly tragic.

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I recently watched something called Twins of Evil, a 1971 horror flick.  I am convinced that the main vampire was played by Jimmy Fallon.  Yes, I realize that the movie is 40 years old, but you be the judge:  In the pictures below, which is Jimmy and which is the movie bloodsucker?

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Just in case you haven’t yet seen this little girl doing a superb job of expressing America’s mood,  click here.

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I don’t do much tweeting.  I don’t really understand the appeal of Twitter.  Several years ago when I first registered at the site, I posted a tweet that mentioned, in passing, Justin Bieber.  Apparently my reference popped up on a Twitter search engine because on the following day I got my first group of “followers” — a gaggle of teenage girls.  I figured that was better than no followers.  Alas, when the teen girls somehow wised up to the fact that they were now following a middle-aged doofus (me), they promptly unfollowed me.  I can’t explain why, but this abandonment depressed me.

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Meanwhile, on Survivor …

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Talk-Show Heaven

It’s hard to resist the incisive interviews on Dr. Drew’s show.  Here is an excerpt from Dr. Drew’s illuminating chat this week with Honey Boo Boo (above):

          Honey Boo Boo:  I don’t burp.

          Dr. Drew:  You don’t burp?

          Honey Boo Boo:  I don’t.

          Dr. Drew:  You’re trying to burp, but you can’t?

Talk-Show Hell

It’s painful listening to starlets on late-night talk shows.  The host has to do all of the work while some Callie Cutethighs giggles and adjusts her short skirt.  I experienced a preview of death the other night, watching a bubble-head named Hana Mae Lee (below) on Craig Ferguson’s show.

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Who says there’s no news worth celebrating?

“Rare, good news for you is I showered this morning, after two days on the plane.” — Obama campaign spokeswoman Jen Psaki, to an MSNBC anchor.

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“He’s [Obama] doubling down on that storyline.” —  CNN’s Jessica Yellin. The media gets hold of a phrase it just loves and the damn thing spreads like a virus in kindergarten.  Enough!

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“I worked in network news, and I know that promotions were given to people based upon their political leanings and based upon how they conducted themselves in the politically correct atmosphere in which they work.”  — Bill O’Reilly, decrying network personnel decisions.

Good thing Bill’s employer, Fox News, is beyond reproach in its hiring practices, as we can see from these out-takes from the resumes of typical Fox employees.

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Penny Marshall is promoting her new book.  I don’t understand why she’s not still directing big-screen movies.  Did any filmmaker have a more impressive string of hits in the late ’80s and early ’90s than Marshall did with Big, Awakenings, and A League of Their Own?

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Meanwhile, on Survivor ….

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Don Rickles was on Jimmy Kimmel’s show the other night.  Don Rickles, at 86, is still one of the funniest guys on the planet.  Below, Rickles in 1976 with Frank Sinatra and Johnny Carson.

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Early-season TV report card

Elementary     Not bad, although Jonny Lee Miller (above) as Sherlock Holmes isn’t all that captivating.  Holmes should always, always seem bigger than life, and Miller simply doesn’t.

666 Park Avenue and Last Resort     Mediocre stuff, the kind of shows you might watch while clipping your toenails, or gaining insight and wisdom at The Grouchy Editor.

American Horror Story: Asylum     So far, so good.  The season premiere was better than anything from last year’s series.  And how about Jessica Lange (below) — ain’t she something?

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The Week in Headlines

The Feds are lucky that so many of these would-be bombers resemble The Three Stooges.

There’s a lot of squawking on Fox News about “who knew what” in regard to the attack on our diplomatic mission in Libya.  I’d be more inclined to pay attention if Fox had been equally concerned about “who knew what” leading up to the war in Iraq.

Guess I won’t need to vote next month.  From what I’m hearing, soccer moms and the good people of Ohio and Florida will decide this year’s election.

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Whoever coined the phrase, “There is no such thing as a stupid question,” was an idiot.  I know, because I have lots of stupid questions.   For example:

In movies about space travel, NASA capsules are often in danger of burning up in Earth’s atmosphere upon re-entry.  So why wasn’t the dude who just made that record space jump in danger of burning up?

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Meanwhile, on Survivor ….

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I give up trying to gauge the impact of these presidential debates.  Back in the 2000s, I thought I watched as tongue-tied George Bush got his lunch handed to him in debates, but look how that turned out.

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This is a publicity shot from NBC’s upcoming reboot of The Munsters, something they are calling Mockingbird Lane.  That’s “Herman” on the left.  What is wrong with this picture?  If you’re going to redo The Munsters, Herman must, must look like Frankenstein’s monster.  Herman Munster without makeup is like Lily without sex appeal — sacrilege.

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I’m bored.  The presidential election is just weeks away, the baseball playoffs are in full swing, Argo is opening in cinemas, and my reaction to our national frenzy is … I want to take a nap.

I need more excitement in my personal life.  I need to discover that my upstairs neighbor is preparing stew — with human body parts.   I need to look out my front window and behold two twisters lowering themselves to the ground, their sights set on my apartment complex.  I need Kristen Stewart to stop playing games with me and declare her undying love.

I need a cold shower.

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Apparently, this man has no balls.

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Meanwhile, on Survivor ….

 Later, more cheeky fun on Survivor ….

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There is an explanation for this picture.  It’s a perfectly newsworthy photograph.  Seriously.  See below.

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When I was a kid, I once asked my father what he thought of the comedian Red Skelton.  My dad said that he didn’t care for Skelton because he laughed at his own jokes.

I’m reminded of that every time I watch the spawn of Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect:  The Five and Red Eye on Fox News, and The Cycle on MSNBC (above).  All three shows feature segments in which a host reads from a prepared “humor” piece.

Problem is, these monologues are rarely laugh-out-loud funny, yet they are greeted with howls of forced laughter from the other panelists.  About the only time something genuinely humorous occurs in the world of politics, it’s spontaneous or accidental — like the angry Iraqi man hurling his shoes at a ducking George Bush.

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Ann Coulter and activist Kevin Powell engaged in a polite debate on Joy Behar’s show:

Powell:  “You’re clearly a racist.”

Coulter:  “You’re clearly a moron.”

Now that’s funny.

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In that same spirit of civil discourse, here is my take on that fat lady singing the blues in Wisconsin:

Stop whining and go home, Miss Piggy.  Your 15 minutes are up, and the only “bully” we’re seeing is you.

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Geez, Arnold, I watched you hem and haw on 60 Minutes and I almost felt sorry for you.  At times, you resembled a … girlie man?

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“Television is where it’s at … and I don’t disagree.” — Entertainment Weekly movie critic Lisa Schwarzbaum.

You have to feel a bit sorry for long-time film critics like Schwarzbaum and Roger Ebert, who are often reduced to two choices at today’s cinema:  small, independent movies that no one will see, or the latest brain-dead superhero/comic book/special-effects extravaganza, which is made for and marketed to teenagers.  Meanwhile, all of the best writers have migrated to cable channels like FX, AMC, Showtime, and HBO.

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That does it.  If Romney wins, I’m moving to Brazil.

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Always the gracious host, Piers Morgan informed guest Jesse Ventura, “You make some very sensible points, and you make crackpot points.”

Piers later told Jesse, “You have been, as always … slightly crackers.”

I don’t know.  There are times when Ventura (above right, with potential “running mate” Howard Stern) makes more sense than our current candidates.

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Worst thing about the ridiculous fuss over the NFL’s striking referees? The unfortunate side-effect that it provided pompous ass Bob Costas with lots of air-time on news outlets.

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Martin Bashir, above, has trouble restraining his inner naughty boy.  After the New York Times ran a quote about “the stench of [Mitt] Romney” and its deleterious effect on Paul Ryan, Bashir asked guest Ken Vogel about the Romney campaign’s difficulty in attracting donors.

Bashir:  “Who’s to blame?  Is it Mr. Ryan or The Stench?”

Vogel:  “I don’t know about The Stench.”

Bashir:  “Is it time for more Republicans, as it were, to start standing upwind of Mitt Romney?”

Vogel:  “We should point out that that is traditionally the role that vice-presidential running mates take:  They are number two.  They’re number two for a reason.”

Somewhere, Beavis and Butt-head are giggling.

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So much for gender equality in high-school sports.

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Time was, movie stars considered themselves too good for TV commercials.  Then some of them began doing ads on the sly in places like Japan.  Now, you can’t turn on the television without hearing pitches from Tom Hanks (Marie Callender’s), Paul Giamatti (Liberty Mutual Insurance), Jeff Bridges (Duracell), Tommy Lee Jones (Ameriprise), or George Clooney (Budweiser).  John Travolta must be mistaken; it’s a good time to be a celebrity.

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“President Obama on that thing, he came off as an emasculated wimp.  He really did.” — Bernard McGuirk (above), a Bill O’Reilly minion, evaluating Obama’s appearance on The View.

OK, talk-show tough guy, be sure to let us know how emasculation feels on November 7.

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Meanwhile, this week on Survivor …

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