It’s the end of December, and that means it is time for every news show, magazine, and Web site to compile inane “end-of-year” lists. But most smart people realize that next year, 2012, heralds the end of the world, and so it makes a lot more sense to compile an “end-of-the-world” list. Thus, here you go:
Best Species of All Time: The Cockroach
Everyone knows that in the event of a nuclear holocaust, the much-maligned cockroach is one of the few species expected to survive, possibly even thrive. I don’t see why, come Armageddon, things should be any different for the heroic and plucky cockroach.
Best Con Artist of All Time: Cleopatra
The Queen of the Nile, according to ancient coins that bear her visage, was one homely lady. And yet somehow the woman enjoys a “man-eater” reputation, inspiring Hollywood biographies and even a role for our most beautiful star, Liz Taylor.
Greatest Work of Art: 2012
The critics hated it but hey, when you are right about things, you are right about things.
Greatest Blight on the Universe: Television Commercials
TV signals are beamed into space. Somewhere, someday, an alien species will be subjected to god-awful Nationwide insurance commercials. When the aliens study Earth’s doomed culture, they will despise us for this.
When the power went out — twice — during this week’s Steelers-49ers contest, someone made the decision to delay the game. I think that was a missed opportunity. They should have kept playing in the dark, like many of us did when we were kids. “Dark football” would have been a big hit.
I wonder if the geniuses at Columbia Pictures’s marketing department thought of potential negative associations when they came up with the above slogan for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. What is hidden in snow that comes forth in the thaw? I’ll bet they didn’t think of this:
I often channel surf between Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon, but I never watch Jimmy Kimmel’s show. This is because Kimmel’s show includes a non-stop barrage of commercials. I took notes the other night:
11:55 — Jimmy welcomes guest Jeremy Renner.
12:03 — The onslaught begins. There are ads for Capital One, the Minnesota lottery, Xbox 360, Hilton’s Doubletree, Ford’s Focus, HBO’s True Blood, Celebrity Wife Swap, The Bachelor, Dodge Journey, and Menards.
12:08 — Back to the show.
12:13 — Ads for Bud Light, Blockbuster, Arby’s, Macy’s, Stayfree, Head & Shoulders, Viagra, the NBA, Winter Wipeout, Ford, Xfinity, local news, Citibank, Target, Midnight in Paris, Gamefly,com, Centrum, Target, The Bachelor, Celebrity Wife Swap, Work It, Jeep Grand Cherokee, and The Original Mattress Factory.
12:22 — Back to the show.
12:29 — Ads for Chrysler, Delsym cough syrup, Mucinex, Mitsubishi, GMC Superstore, and local news.
12:32 — Back to the show.
I watched Kimmel for 37 minutes. There were 39 commercials. That’s 20 minutes of Jimmy, 17 minutes of ads. Some day, this is what the aliens will see, and they will despise us for it.
Posting pictures of female buttocks is a sexist, revolting practice, and we hereby resolve to stop doing it. Instead, please enjoy this beautiful landscape portrait:
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