Monthly Archives: April 2017

grouchyeditor.com Days

 

Everyone’s Report Card for Donald’s First 100 Days

 

Donald:   F

Media:   F

Republicans:   F

Democrats:   F

American People:   F

The World:   F

Kim Jong-un:   Incomplete (testing)

 

Hey, plenty of room for improvement!

 

*****

 

Fortitude is a deeply stupid show, with plots that grow more and more outrageous, hammy performances from some decent actors, and no redeeming value.

So why do I keep watching it? I am mesmerized by the sets. I can’t seem to get enough of the remote Icelandic village where they film this ridiculous series: the cozy bar, the imposing mountain, the cool city hall, the frigid, deadly environs. I just need to hit the mute button, sit back, and enjoy.

 

 

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Butt of the Joke

 

 

“Off camera, [Tomi] Lahren was a ‘diva’ who expected royal treatment to the extreme, sources said. Lahren demanded staffers heat up her ‘butt warming pad’ in the microwave before every show, those sources said. ‘She expected to be treated like a queen,’ one source said, referring to Lahren’s butt pad demands as ‘dehumanizing’ to her staff, adding: ‘To demand they warm your butt pad is absurd.’” – The Daily Caller

 

 

If she’s still looking for a butt-warmer, we can lend a hand.

 

 

 

*****

 

This is what happens when you insult a celebrity on Twitter:

 

 

 

*****

 

Somehow, I became Facebook “friends” with a guy named Anthony who lives in New Zealand or Australia or someplace like that. I don’t know a thing about him, but his posts are a never-ending source of amusement.

 

 

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Musings About S-Town

 

It’s not like the first Serial podcast, which was a whodunit. It’s not like the second Serial, which was about military desertion. But it is like the first two series in that it’s an engrossing bed-time story.

 

Headlines and ads that promote S-Town as a “murder mystery” or “true crime” are full of Bull-S. It’s a human-interest podcast, the story of a closeted gay man stuck in the sticks of Alabama.

 

It does paint a stereotypical picture of Woodstock, Alabama. Very little time is spent interviewing residents who actually like the place – even though they exist. Listeners who disdain Trump voters will have their worst, Hills Have Eyes impressions of Middle America confirmed by the parade of racially insensitive, tattooed, drunken illiterates.

 

Host Brian Reed’s prissy delivery was an acquired taste for me. If the residents of Woodstock come off as stereotypical rednecks, Reed sounds to me like a stereotypical wine-sipping, Hillary-loving, Brooklyn hipster. In fairness, when you venture into the heart of the Deep South, as Reed does, you probably can’t be accused of seeking a “safe space.” 

 

There is no denying the charisma of John B. McLemore, the main character. We spend hours listening to him ramble and carp about everything from global warming to small-town gossip, but I never tired of his spiels.

 

 

*****

 

 

I recently watched a decent movie called The Witch.

There is a scene in which a boy lost in the woods stumbles upon a spooky hut – you know, like in “Hansel and Gretel” but without Gretel. And out of the doorway steps a witch, but a very beguiling witch. Who was this sexy but ominous-looking actress?

Some model from Australia named Sarah Stephens, it turns out. Her creepy witch cast a spell on me, so here she is doing her day job:

 

 

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Red Eye, the cancelled late-night panel show on Fox, went out not with a bang but a whimper. The brainchild of Fox court jester Greg Gutfeld, Red Eye was an odd hybrid of political talk, video clips, and general gibberish, but I’m going to miss it. It was just about the only show on cable news that allowed guests to say whatever the hell they wanted to say, no matter how warped.

But mostly, I’m going to miss Red Eye because it usually featured at least one leggy piece of ass like former Miss America Kirsten Haglund, who on Wednesday’s show gave her seat-mate a boner:

 

Here is Haglund giving all of us a boner:

 

.                 grouchyeditor.com Kirsten Haglund   grouchyeditor.com Kirsten Haglund   grouchyeditor.com Kirsten Haglund

 (Click on pictures for a larger view)

 

*****

 

Foreign Crime Dramas on Netflix

 

I recently watched three of these subtitled sobrieties on Netflix, and all of them featured nude cadavers being examined by cops:

 

.                 grouchyeditor.com Bordertown    grouchyeditor.com Break    grouchyeditor.com Sejour

.                         Bordertown                     The Break                 Hotel Beau Sejour

 

My favorite was the dead black guy’s penis that kept popping up in episodes of The Break. The penis was on the morgue slab; the penis was in a photo pinned to a bulletin board. The penis was everywhere.

 

As for the actual quality of these shows:

The Break:  Very good

Hotel Beau Sejour:  Illogical but absorbing

Bordertown:  I can’t make heads or tails of it

 

*****

 

Rumor has it that Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly had a tough time choosing between several covers for his new book about old-school sexual harassment:

 

grouchyeditor.com Old Schoolgrouchyeditor.com Old Schoolgrouchyeditor.com Old School

 

*****

 

grouchyeditor.com Syria

 

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grouchyeditor.com Aesop's Fables 

We can learn something from these ancient stories, which have been handed down from generation to generation since a Greek slave named Aesop supposedly compiled them. What can we learn? Humans have been passing down state-the-obvious drivel for a long, long time.

“The Tortoise and the Hare,” “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” – for every one of those legendary tales, which actually have a point, Aesop delivers ten more pearls of wisdom like this one:

 

The Gnat and the Bull

A Gnat alighted on one of the horns of a Bull, and remained sitting there for a considerable time. When it had rested sufficiently and was about to fly away, it said to the Bull, “Do you mind if I go now?” The Bull merely raised his eyes and remarked, without interest, “It’s all one to me; I didn’t notice when you came, and I shan’t know when you go away.”

 

Feel smarter now?

 

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Arrival

 

If Arrival is supposed to be the 2001: A Space Odyssey for today’s generation, I feel sorry for today’s generation. The film plays mind games with us and yearns to be profound, but I found it pretentious and nonsensical. It’s like those time-travel movies that expect to be taken seriously, even though time travel is considered impossible – at least by today’s science.

When aliens land on Earth, star Amy Adams’s linguist is recruited to decipher their message. The “universal truths” she decodes are meant to be hopeful, but I’m thinking most of us would go mad at worst, or be psychologically paralyzed at best, were they our actual reality.

And dare I point out that Arrival’s clichéd plot is sexist? Once again we have a situation in which all the boys want to do is make war, and only a female is intuitive enough to break through to the aliens.  Release: 2016  Grade: C+

 

**

 

Room

grouchyeditor.com Room

 

Room is structured as two movies in one, and both halves are superb. The first half is a harrowing thriller, apparently inspired by the Ariel Castro kidnappings in Cleveland, in which a young woman and her son are imprisoned for years in a small shed. The second half is a gut-wrenching drama about the fallout when the victims (Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay) finally escape and must reintegrate into the real world. Release: 2015  Grade: A

 

**

 

The Love Witch

grouchyeditor.com Samantha Robinson

 

I’m not sure if this colorful but clunky film is intended as parody or homage to 1960s supernatural thrillers (think Hammer Films), but either way it feels forced and flat. Comely Samantha Robinson (above) plays a modern-day witch who uses potions and sex appeal to seduce one hapless male after another, but alas, none of them are up to her retro-feminist standards. If you want to chuckle at genre fare like this, I suggest you check out the real deal. Say, The Brides of Dracula? Release: 2016  Grade: C

 

**

 

The Witch

grouchyeditor.com Witch

 

A Puritan family in 1600s New England, banished to the wilderness for transgressing against village mores, finds life in the wild an unholy nightmare when someone – or something – begins to bedevil them. Mostly, this is an ultra-realistic, atmospheric study of the struggle to survive at that time and place, with religion serving as both a source of comfort and terror to the family as it confronts something wicked in the woods. Release: 2015  Grade:  B+

 

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The Spookiest Man in the World?

 

I still don’t understand why this dude was able to skate after lying to Congress.

But when former spooks keep warning us that the intelligence community is spying on all of us … makes you wonder if Teflon James Clapper might have dirt on everyone in D.C.

It’s hard to prosecute a guy who knows what you’ve been up to in the bedroom.

 

*****

 

Most Recent Word that the Media Loves to Use:

“pivot”

 

*****

 

 

I keep hearing that the Age of the Robots has arrived. There are stories about robots on the roads, robots in the service industry, robots in the sky, etc. But when I go to the grocery store or drive around the city, I never see any robots.

I must live in a bad neighborhood.

 

*****

 

 

I got hooked on American Crime last year, but I’m not sure if I can make it through another season. I doubt that there is a drama on television that is more relentlessly depressing than this show.

Want to know what it’s like to be a teenage prostitute? How about an illegal alien working the fields? Or a low-income social worker desperate to have a baby? Want to die in a burning trailer? All of this is from just the first three episodes this season.

Also, I believe the show should be renamed American Close-up. The camera is routinely placed six inches from each actor’s face and then just sits there.

 

*****

 

 

I finally found a sitcom that makes me laugh out loud – something I haven’t done since Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I keep extolling the virtues of Schitt’s Creek, because when no one knows your show exists, your show isn’t long for this world.

 

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