What’s the most embarrassing thing a woman can do to a dude? How about pull his pants down, expose his (tiny) penis, take pictures and then share his secret with the world? Oh, and why not measure his privates with a ruler?
From Thought Catalog:
Rip van Dinkle’s Dink?
. The penis pageant showrunner … … measures Rip on stage
. The “mean girl” … … gets Rip’s statistics
. The Minnesota model … … disrespects her elder
. The B-movie star … … joins in the fun
. The photographer … … documents Rip’s “manhood”
The Minnesota Model
Twenty-five-year-old Jaye was tasked with giving old man Rip a video physical. This required her to examine his manhood with a magnifying glass, test his penile muscle with a pencil, and measure his member with a ruler. Jaye performed her duties admirably.
When Rip discovered that Jaye would actually be touching his penis, he was concerned that the results of her measurement would be less than scientific.
“This was a real test for my smallness,” Rip said. “I knew I was in trouble when we got to her apartment, where she and I shot the videos. I had to follow her up some stairs and, as you can see in the bikini picture below, Jaye has an ass born for boners. In fact, she told me an old boyfriend had a nickname for her: Bonerific.”
Jaye’s penis poking, prodding, and near-puking are captured in the short videos below.
Click on pictures for bigger views of Jaye
Prior to their, ahem, “hands-on” video shoot, Rip and budding journalist Jaye Millspaugh collaborated on a short print interview. Read it here:
Have you ever wondered who has the smallest penis in Brooklyn? That could possibly be Rip van Dinkle, a contestant in last year’s annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. He has traveled from his home in Minnesota twice to compete, and be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age. One of them decided to start a conversation.
JAYE MILLSPAUGH: Jesus fuck, you’re tiny! Do you even know who I am?
RIP VAN DINKLE: I’ve been told that “it’s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat,” that matters to most women. Then again, one woman did comment that her two-year-old baby boy is better hung than I am.
Do I know who you are? I was told you are a journalist for one of those feminist sites, Jezebel or Cosmopolitan or something. Is that not the case?
JM: Are you serious? And, god no. Do I look like a fucking geek? I’m only the hottest supermodel in Minnesota. What makes you think you can get with me?
RVD: Gosh, I didn’t know you were a model, too. I’ll have to find your pictures and spend some time with them – that’s a good description of most of my dates lately.
JM: Are you kidding me? How do you not know my face? Everyone knows my face. And you know my ex played for the Gophers, right? Third-string quarterback. You’re like, one-third his size. I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.
RVD: I’ve been told that my penis is similar to a Tootsie Roll, the small ones, that is. I’m sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. My manhood is about 1.5 inches long, so if he’s three times that size, I guess he’s not real big, either.
JM: Oh no, he’s totally big. I don’t date guys who aren’t. I mean seriously, like how is yours even effective?
RVD: My penis, you mean?
RVD: I’ve never actually had a woman ask, “Is it in yet?” On the other hand, my ex-wife Amy did used to ask me, “Is it still in, or did it pop out again?” Guys like me sometimes have trouble keeping it in.
JM: Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off! Could you please go crawl in a hole and leave me alone?
RVD: Oh, I’m quite sure I could fit inside you. In fact, I could probably fit inside you four or five times, if I had four or five more cocks the size of mine. Leave you alone? Aren’t you the one interviewing me?
JM: Whatever. Just know I’m not interested. What makes you think you can pleasure me though? Please explain your techniques.
RVD: I kind of doubt that I could pleasure you. Especially since you are a supermodel. I’ve discovered that what worked for other women who slept with me was their imagination. You would just have to imagine that I am, oh, say Jamie Foxx in Django Unchained. You know, the scene where he is naked and hanging upside down? And his big penis is hanging down? That image worked pretty well for my ex.
Plus, I am getting old and don’t produce much sperm anymore, so the whole thing would be over for you pretty quick.
JM: Yeah, that shit’s not gonna work for me. How many other women has that worked on? I’m guessing none!
RVD: You’re right. That’s why I have a tongue, I suppose.
JM: I would certainly hope so. Was your ex-wife even hot? I bet she looked like Shrek.
RVD: It’s true that the first time my ex-wife slept with me, she was drunk. She might not have remembered how tiny I am the next morning. [Editor’s Note: See Rip’s ex-wife, Amy, pictured below. Click on pictures for a bigger view.]
On the other hand, I’m guessing that this photo shoot I did with Amy (the photographer, not my ex-wife) will attract lots of women once the photos get posted on the Internet.
JM: You’re fucking delusional if you think lots of women will be attracted to you. What the fuck happened to your ex-wife? Did she kill herself after sobering up?
RVD: She married another guy in Texas. She told me there was “no comparison” between him and me. I assume that means my pecker is prettier. You’ve seen my pictures – don’t you think that’s probably the case?
JM: God, no. You’re fucking gross. Bye, Losersaurus Rex!
RVD: Can I have your phone number? You seemed to be quite impressed with me, and it seems like we hit it off. You can call me Jamie.
*Quickly walks away and flips him off.
From Thought Catalog:
A “Growing Concern”
“From what I’ve seen, it’s still well below average.”
Rip’s dick measurements did not all go smoothly. Although his “little friend” stayed within its normal size range – just under 2 inches – when he stood on a Brooklyn stage in front of scores of cheering women, that wasn’t always the case in more intimate settings with model Jaye and photographer Amy.
Jaye’s fingering of his noodle had caused his blood to flow — downhill. Rip mentioned his partial erection to her, just in case she hadn’t noticed. Jaye replied: “From what I’ve seen, it’s still well below average.”
Jaye informed Rip that she intended to show the video to her friends, who would get a laugh out of his videotaped exposure.
Photographer Amy, who spent hours documenting Rip’s tiny tool, at one point stopped shooting his nude self and blushed. With an awkward smile, she told Rip that “it” had grown bigger.
Rip later explained: “Doesn’t matter if you have a small dick or not. When you are naked and there is a woman kneeling in front of you, two feet away, and aiming her camera at your crotch, you are going to get excited. I mean, she’s looking at your package. So you are thinking about sex. Jaye was playing with my penis, and Amy was taking close-ups of my nut sack. What was I supposed to do?”
Amy’s parting shot of Rip
The Gal Pal
“I see there is good and bad to being the smallest weenie”
But what about Rip’s friends – especially female friends? What did they think of Rip’s public exposure — or, as some would have it, his public emasculation?
Rip checked in with buddy Michele Carrasquillo, who had earlier sent this message to him:
“I don’t mind seeing too much penis, but I’d prefer if they were on super-hot guys not doing super-gross stuff. Just sayin’. Vive la Penis!”
Michele was unaware of Rip’s participation in the small-penis pageant. He directed her to a Web site that had done a story about the event.
What did Michele think? Was she embarrassed for Rip, now that she knew the secret of his mini-manhood? Would she laugh at his cock, now that she’d seen it? Would she wonder if it was any bigger when it was erect?
Michele: “Rip Van Dinkle”?
Ha ha ha! It is you. I recognize the headband from your video. I see you have been keeping yourself busy. You are one step away from being a full-blown celebrity. Thanks for sharing. What big project is next? Or should I say, little project?
Rip: shhhhh … don’t tell anybody ….
Michele: No worries … I won’t give away your alias or secret hobby. Long live penis pageants! So, did you win anything in that contest? I’m thinking, second place is still worthy of a prize.
Rip: Am surprised you hadn’t heard of it. Pictures and videos all over the Internet. I could have won the stupid thing, but I got nervous about all of the negative attention and decided I did not want to win. So I began flipping the bird to the crowd and scowling at them. It worked … and I was right about the negative attention.
Michele: Ahh, I see there is good and bad to being the smallest weenie. Maybe you were meant to be the #1 next year for Miley! Leave the birds at home though!
Rip: I did the small-penis pageant in Brooklyn again. I’d send you links to some of the stories, but then you would see pictures of my small penis, and I’d prefer that you be fooled and assume that I have a big penis. And big balls.
Michele: Well, you clearly have big balls. Ha ha! I saw some of the earlier articles.
“Well, you clearly have big balls. Ha ha!”
Click on pictures for bigger views of Michele
Rip got no sympathy from sexy Michele who, instead of reassuring him in his masculinity, could not resist piling on:
“What big project is next?
Or should I say, little project?”
From Thought Catalog:
In the third and final part of the series, Rip does Skype with bloggers and sex workers, and is slut-shamed by two “mean girls.” Part 3 is coming soon. Click here to go to Part 1.
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