Category: Guilty Pleasures

We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Lection and Shed.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

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Low-budget movies tend to come in two distinct categories: watchable and unwatchable. Today, we take a look at two movies released this year by South Carolina filmmaker David Axe.

One is quite watchable and the other, well … you guessed it.

 

Lection

 

 

Lection has probably the least amount of dialogue since 1928 – the year they stopped making silent movies (more or less). The story is set in a post-apocalyptic future in which two casualties are the spoken word and the written word. “Election” becomes “lection,” “vote” becomes “vot.” Conversation becomes nearly non-existent.

A third casualty is the movie’s wardrobe department, which can happen when your budget is a mere $25,000 and the amateur cast is encouraged to wear their Saturday-afternoon shabbies. Hey, it’s OK though, because this is the (extremely) casual, dystopian future.

Anyway, a rag-tag group of survivors has split into two factions fighting for more bread. Or rather, “mor bred.” One faction is led by a sexy young black woman (Sanethia Dresch). The other group is led by a grumpy old white man. You can probably guess which side wins.

 

(Above right, actress Sanethia Dresch’s shapely backside; more about that below)

 

I’ll credit writer-director David Axe with this: His story is ambitious. It wants to explore the societal division between haves and have-nots. The problem is the movie’s execution. (I’m reminded of football coach John McKay’s rejoinder when asked what he thought of his team’s execution: “I’m in favor of it.”)

A major problem with Lection is its lack of dialogue. No speaking means long, long, long stretches of deadly dull footage in which nothing much happens. In this case, less is not more.

To watch the trailer for Lection, click here.

 

Shed

 

(Above, Mike Amason in Shed)

 

Compared to Lection, a lot happens in Shed (not to be confused with The Shed, another 2019 premiere), an Axe production that features many of the same actors from Lection but in a much more entertaining movie. Unlike Lection, Shed is a watchable mess.

It’s a bit of a throwback to 1980s schlock, but Axe has a few things going for him: His musical soundtrack is distinctive and surreal; and the man certainly has visual flair. Many of Axe’s shots are clever.

But mostly, Shed is enjoyable on a guilty-pleasure level. If you like gore, there is that. If you like gratuitous nudity, there is plenty of that. There are even moments that reminded me of – in a good way – Blade Runner. And if you enjoy hammy performances, here we have Lection’s Mike Amason (pictured above) in another villainous role.

The plot involves some mumbo-jumbo about an unhuman species that traversed the Atlantic hundreds of years ago, and which must kill humans in order to inhabit their skins. Events are frequently incomprehensible, but the film is never dull. Axe’s musical score, his pacing, some over-the-top performances, and the striking visuals ensure the movie’s entertainment value.

To watch the trailer for Shed, click here.

 

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The Mysterious Case of the Vanishing Actress (and Her Shapely Derriere)

 

 

One thing Lection and Shed have in common is actress Sanethia Dresch, who stars in the former and provides support in the latter. She is a bright spot in both films. We tried to interview her.

After initially agreeing to do the interview, she did not reply to the actual questions. We’re guessing she might not have cared for our third query:

“Most of the reviews of Shed mention the “threesome scene” early in the movie. Can you take us through what it’s like to film a scene like that? It was a very dark scene (at least on my computer), but it appears that you are nude in it – were you? Was that difficult?”

Or perhaps she was scared off by the mention of Rip van Dinkle:

“When I get your replies, I might have some follow-up questions. Also, we have a humor columnist named Rip van Dinkle who wants to ask you a couple questions. I’ll forward them to you after I receive your replies to this interview.”

Can’t really blame her for that. Dinkle scares off most people.

Or, as director Axe told us: “She’s not always very responsive.”

Anyway … there seems to be some dispute about the aforementioned threesome scene (it’s mentioned in pretty much every review). For one thing, the actress who plays “Kahlan” (Caley Fleming) apparently used a body double (Courtney Busby) for the simulated sex — although the close-up shots below certainly seem to be of Fleming:

 

 

Then there is the third member of the horny trio, “Morgan” (Dresch), who joins in the bedroom fun. Axe told us: “To be fair, she (Dresch) wasn’t actually nude in that threesome. It just very briefly looked that way. The nudity in that scene mostly was the result of clever editing.”

Hmmm. That piqued our curiosity, and so because we have way too much free time, we lightened the (very dark) scene.

We suppose there could be a merkin involved, but these certainly look like bare butt cheeks to us:

 

Before:

 

 

After:

 

 

In the shots above, Morgan (Dresch) enacts a fantasy she earlier described to Kahlan (Fleming): “I’ve been dreaming … Gauge (Gauge Santiago, the dude above) is always there … I want you, too: your mouth, your tits, your cunt, your skin. And Gauge — his hands, his cock.”

Apparently some dreams do come true.

 

(Fleming, left, and Dresch discussing … uh, maybe Gauge?)

 

 

Sanethia Dresch

 

 

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Bonus Trivia

 

Shooting Shed was apparently quite the experience. Director-writer-editor-photographer Axe includes this statement in the end credits: “An amateur cast and crew made Shed for $25,000 in Columbia and Eastover, South Carolina in late 2018 … during a hurricane. A bunch of actors and crew quit during production.”

And then there is this from Axe in an on-line interview:

 

 

Can’t say the actresses weren’t warned about Shed’s nude scenes. Here is the casting call:

 

 

Speaking of nudity, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention actress Emilia Olga’s (“Caley”) eye-catching full-frontal shower scene:

 

Olga All Dressed Up:

 

 

Olga All Undressed:

 

 

Just for fun, here is a blink-and-you-miss-it skin shot when Morgan’s cheerleader skirt flies up as she runs through the woods:

 

 

In case you are beginning to wonder if we have a fetish about Sanethia’s fanny, well, we aren’t the only ones. Check out this clip from her YouTube page and a shot from her Instagram:

 

 

 

The “End”

 

 

© 2010-2020 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Hybristophilia.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

Hybristophilia

 

 

If you watch a lot of movies () and have an eye for nude scenes (), you’ll probably notice a cinematic fact of life – at least with low-budget productions:  The more nudity in the movie, the greater the likelihood that the actresses can’t, well, act. Or can’t act well. Starlets who do extensive nudity do not generally go on to win Oscars. I mean, watch something like H.O.T.S. and tell me how impressed you were by the actors’ emotional range.

At least that’s how it used to be. Increasingly, the line between girls-who-do and girls-who-won’t has blurred.  These days even the actresses who do win Oscars bare it all at some point in their careers.

I mention all of this because our most recent screener begins with a naked make-out session between two actresses which did not remind me of H.O.T.S. (Sorry, I seem to have that 1979 T&A bonanza on my brain).

The opener of Hybristophilia certainly caught my attention.

And so did the final scene of the movie, which frankly knocked me for a loop. It was as if Scorsese or Tarantino was brought in to this low-budget production for one day of shooting and left after filming an amazing five minutes.

 

The plot:   A small film crew is summoned by a serial killer called “The Sleepy Stalker,” who wants to do an on-camera interview. The killer wants to correct public misconceptions and to explain how he (or she) came to be such a notorious person. The crew obligingly sets up shop at a remote house in the woods and … things go badly.

The good news:  As mentioned above, the opening scene between Deanna Pak and Celisse Graves made me want to see more (yeah, yeah, more skin; but also more of the movie). And that final scene was remarkable. It has images I’ll retain for a long time.

The bad news:  The midsection is in dire need of ruthless editing. The killer drones on endlessly about her (or his) woe-is-me upbringing, with much bemoaning about the cruelty of society toward anyone who is different. Oh, and there is childhood abuse involved, because every serial killer movie has childhood abuse involved.

 

 

Trivia

 

  • That title – we had no idea what it means. See below.
  • How is it that the killer, who we are told was born and raised in the “Watermelon Capital” of Georgia, speaks with a heavy Russian accent? Just asking.
  • If the guy who plays the film crew’s cameraman looks familiar, it’s because you probably saw him in The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock. Yes, you read that right. It’s Quinton Aaron.
  • We have to be very careful with this review. According to Wikipedia and other sources, the film’s director, Romane Simon, is the great-grandson of a president of Haiti, and a mixed martial arts expert, and the son (or grandson) of a voodoo priestess.  You tell me:  Should I be worried if he reads this review and doesn’t like it?
  • Also, this guy apparently has money, connections, or … something … up the wazoo. I’d never heard of him, but take a look at how many projects he has in the works: 

 

 

 

The Girls of ‘Hybristophilia’

 

(We could call it “The Girls of Romane Simon,” but that sounds sexist.)

(Wait … we ARE sexist.)

 

The Girls of Romane Simon

 

We asked our resident nudity expert, Rip van Dinkle, to provide the commentary below. Our apologies for that.

Rip and The Grouch interviewed stars Deanna Pak and Lilian Lev, as well as director Simon. The quotes below are from those interviews.

 

Deanna Pak

 

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Rip Says:  Deanna is a very hot Asian-American actress who plays one of the two ill-fated lesbians in the opening scene. From what I can tell (I did some research), this was her first nude scene. Although, according to her interview reply, it was “implied nudity.” This answer confused me, so I was forced to go back and watch the scene again. And again.

Hmmm. Seems to me that if you are clearly bottomless, that’s a bit more than “implied.” But who am I to quibble over words?

 

Deanna (right) and Celisse Graves get comfortable in a cabin in the woods.

Celisse likes what she sees. So do we.

 

Grouch:  I’m guessing that the love scene between two naked women (right before all hell breaks loose) was a great attention grabber. You certainly grabbed my attention. Was this your first nude scene? If so, what did you think of it? Is it difficult to take your clothes off before the crew, or is it no big deal?

Deanna:  I understand this scene was definitely an “attention grabber” type of opening. This was my first implied nude scene, yes. I was still not comfortable with certain parts being shown on screen, so the director, Romane Simon, worked within my limits, so I appreciate that. I felt comfortable on set with the crew and actors and I’m glad that we agreed to be shown on screen (and not shown) [and] remained consistent. I feel like although there was definitely some skin, it was still tasteful and done beautifully.

Grouch:  Do you have any upcoming projects you’d like to promote?

Deanna:  You can find my first self-produced pilot, Hot Asian Girl, on my Instagram, which made some festival rounds last year. I also have other movies and TV shows coming up that I can’t speak of yet.

 

 

Lilian Lev

 

Rip Says:  Lilian (also known as Liliana or simply Lili) is a Russian singer-actress striving to make it big in Hollywood. If you Google her videos, you will find one that claims to show her stripping in the background while some dude in the foreground drones on and on in Russian. I don’t know; the chick on the stage doesn’t really look like Lilian to me, but who knows?

 

 

“I’m OK with nudity and my body in a great shape so I would gladly do it!” — Lilian Lev to The Grouch

 

Grouch:  Some of the actresses in the movie had nude scenes, but you did not. Is that something you consciously try to avoid? Have you done nude scenes in any other films?

Lilian:  For my character there was no place in the story for nude scenes. And it wasn’t in the script. I’m ok with nudity and my body in a great shape so I would gladly do it)))

Grouch:  You have a very interesting background. How do you compare being a musical star in Russia with being an actress in Hollywood?

Lilian:  My music career in Russia definitely helped me with acting. I’m a performer more than anything else. It helps with acting for sure. I’m open and charismatic since I was very little. I love performing on stage more than anything else. I was either dancing or singing most of my life. Since I was 7. I have zero shame in front of the audience.

 

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(Click on images for a larger view)

 

(To see this video, click here.)

 

 

 

Sara Hedgren

 

grouchyeditor.com Hedgren

 

Rip Says: Sara appears briefly in a flashback scene. We didn’t do an interview with her, but since she appears topless in this movie, she definitely qualifies as a “Romane Simon girl.” Oh, and we included a couple pictures of her appearance as a stripper in 2016’s The Lone Road. Because, why not?

 

 

 

Sadie Katz

 

Rip Says:  Oddly, Sadie does not get naked in Hybristophilia. I say that’s odd because, of all the actresses in the movie, she has the nudest acting resume. So we naturally couldn’t resist posting a couple of shots from one of her soft-core appearances.

 

 

Below, a couple Sadie shots from 2013’s Hidden Treasures.

 

 

“There’s something really fucking exciting about seeing an actress nude. I know that’s terrible to say, but I think there’s something really fun about it.” — Sadie Katz to “Mr. Skin”

 

Jenna Willis

 

 

Rip Says:  Sadly, Jenna Willis doesn’t show much skin in this movie (nor anywhere else, from what I could tell). But she is very good as a gung-ho reporter, and she appears with Lilian Lev in that knockout final scene (below).

 

 

Layla Dideban

 

Rip Says:  Layla is not in this movie. But she does make a memorable-if-short nude appearance in Blood Runs Thick (below), which is another Romane Simon movie from last year. Hence, she qualifies as one of “Romane’s girls.” Right?

 

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(Click on images for a larger view)

 

 

Romane Simon

 

 

Grouch:  The opening scene was quite an attention-grabber. Is it difficult to find actresses who are willing to take their clothes off for scenes like that, especially since they then get killed and don’t appear again?

Romane:  Actually yes it was so difficult to find an actor that can act and OK with nudity. I was so lucky to find two wonderful talent that was OK with nude scene and I make sure on my set everyone treat each other like family so not only it was a closed set. But I also communicate with them over and over to make sure they were comfortable and ready to go. My assistant Ameena she was like a mama bear to all the ladies on the set. Cause we all was in a cabin in the woods for weeks shooting in the middle of nowhere.

Grouch:  Will you be making anymore horror movies?

Romane:  Yes actually I have 3 horror-related films, one based on my bestselling book Red to Black — The Power of Love, also Voodoo Retribution so excited I also have two other horror film out. Our Way and Blood Runs Thick. I love making horror film. Growing [up] in Haiti around Voodoo help my creativity.

 

 

Last and certainly least, Rip wanted to ask the girls if they thought Hollywood was ready for a non-actor oddball with a small penis. Lilian had trouble answering his question:

Rip:  Hi Lili! I really got into your movie and I thought you were great. You probably haven’t heard of me, but I was kind of an underground celebrity at the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant in 2013 and 2015. Do you think I should put that on my acting resume? Can a dude with a small penis become a big Hollywood star? Just asking!

Lilian:  (no reply)

 

Grouch (days later):  Our columnist Rip van Dinkle is disappointed that you didn’t answer his question — did you not see it?  (By the way, we are all very surprised that you haven’t done any nude scenes yet, because it’s obvious you are in great shape!)

Lilian:  I did answer it. Yeah, I’m saving nude scenes for big budget films and TV shows.

 

Rip (second attempt):  Hi Lili! I really got into your movie and I thought you were great. You probably haven’t heard of me, but I was kind of an underground celebrity at the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant in 2013 and 2015. Do you think I should put that on my acting resume? Can a dude with a small penis become a big Hollywood star? Just asking!

Lilian:  Unless u r planning to be a porn star — it doesn’t matter.

Below, Rip competes at the third annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. (Click on the image if you need proof that he does, in fact, have a penis.)

 

 

Rip posed the same question to Deanna:

Rip:  Hi Deanna. I enjoyed your movie. In fact, I thought your scenes were the highlight of the movie. Trust me, I know what it’s like to have to bare all in front of an audience. You probably haven’t heard of it, but I was a star at the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant. Twice.

If I want to become a Hollywood actor, on my resume under vital statistics should I include information about my “shortcomings”? Why or why not? Thanks Deanna!

Deanna:  Hahaha. I would say magnify your strengths, and work on your “weaknesses” until they become strengths. I don’t think you have to acknowledge every shortcoming, but in today’s world with a one click access to social media, there’s a big audience for people who are real and upfront. So, in that way, it can work in your favor, especially if you are okay with making fun of yourself, but still carry the confidence like “So what? I’m still great” vibes. People actually appreciate when you can be real and not give a crap about every person’s opinion.

Hybristophilia is now available from on-demand video.

 

Editor’s note:  Shortly after we published this post we heard from an unhappy Deanna Pak, who e-mailed in part: “Is there any way they can take some of the graphic screen grabs off? Those should be for buyers of the movie and I was not okay with those nudity screenshots for a public article …. If you cannot take these nudity screen grabs off the article, please remove my name and my entire interview.”

Well … we weren’t about to edit the post because the subject was unhappy with it (besides, we think she looks great in the most of her bare-bottomed shots). But we wondered why she was so upset, so we did a bit of Web research and …. Our guess is that Deanna had an unpleasant previous experience with Web exposure — like this very revealing video she did for a site featuring Asian-American girls:

 

© 2010-2020 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Blood Paradise.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

Blood Paradise

 

 

Imagine you’re a Swedish actress. Your director-husband looks like a Greek god, and you resemble a younger version of Melania Trump (you are both former models). But you don’t have a lot of cash at your disposal. What do you do for work?

If you’re statuesque beauty Andrea Winter, you make a low-budget horror-comedy on the family farm in north Sweden. And you recruit your non-actor parents and brother to play pivotal roles. Oh, and you produce, co-write, score, edit and star in it.

We’re going to do something a bit unusual here. We’re going to write not one, but two reviews; one of Blood Paradise itself, and one of the film’s main attraction: Andrea Winter Wahlgren.

 

The Movie

 

 

Novelist Robin Richards has writer’s block and decides that a change of scenery might be the fix she needs. So she moves into a farmhouse in rural Sweden. There is just one problem: The locals are a peculiar lot. Very peculiar, including a poker-faced farmer (Winter’s real-life father) who makes mysterious trips into a nearby outbuilding; her “biggest fan,” an odd-looking fellow who sidelines as a Peeping Tom; and a gruff neighbor who enjoys playing with guns (Winter’s real-life brother).

When Robin’s boyfriend (Patrick von Barkenberg) shows up on the farm, things take a nasty turn.

The premise of Blood Paradise isn’t bad. At first, I was reminded of Kathleen Turner in Romancing the Stone: a female novelist moves to the country and fish-out-of-water hijinks ensue. But the comedy part of Blood Paradise is, unfortunately, dropped pretty quickly, and the horror that remains is fairly pedestrian stuff.

You’ve seen this story before. The phones don’t work. The locals are more odd than ominous.

But the farmstead is attractive, and so is …

 

The Farmer’s Daughter

 

 

By now, it’s become something of a cliché: A European actor will do extensive nudity, American audiences will be (a bit) shocked by said nudity, and the actor will state that, where she (usually a she) comes from, nudity is commonplace and “natural.”

Why is something considered so natural in parts of Europe thought of as more sexual — and naughty — across the pond? Is it a hangover from the prudish Puritans? Or are the Europeans bullshitting us?

In the YouTube clip below, Andrea answers a fan’s question about the nudity in Blood Paradise:

 

 

Either way, it’s not your everyday movie in which a fetching daughter scampers about in the buff in scenes with her real-life male relatives.

The Grouch did the following e-mail interview with Winter:

 

 

The Grouch:  Thanks for doing this interview. At the beginning of Blood Paradise, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect – would it be mostly comedy, mostly horror, or a mix of the two? I thought the story might be influenced by, say, Romancing the Stone, in which an attractive novelist with writer’s block travels to some far-flung location and winds up in a wild, comedic adventure. But by the end of your movie, it was quite clearly more in line with movies like Psycho or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What was your intent in making this movie?

Andrea Winter:  Our intent was to make a movie that was both fun and scary but in an artistic way. I see a lot of new independent horror films that have a lot of comedy and they’re really scary, but I don’t see many that are artistic. I didn’t just want to make another horror film just to make one. I consider myself as much of an artist as a filmmaker and it was important to me that our movie was as beautiful as it was scary. I also consider myself a vintage horror snob and we were very inspired by old horror films. Maybe that’s why our film turned out the way it did.

Grouch:  I watched an interview with you and the film’s director, which was quite illuminating. What was it like working with family members? Did they inhibit your work in any way? Also, what was their (family members) reaction to the finished product?

Winter:  It was truly fantastic working with my family members. They were so professional and sometimes I actually forgot they were my family members. I’ve always wanted to put them in a movie. They’re all such natural born actors. Our dinner parties are quite interesting. It’s incredible. I believe (and hope) they are proud of the movie. Of course I don’t think they have much of a choice but to tell me that they like it, since we’re family.

Grouch:  It seems to be inherent to movies like this – in the horror genre – that sex or nudity is part of the formula. But it’s unusual, I think, for the lead actress doing the nude scenes, in this case you, to also be the producer, co-writer, co-editor, music, etc. Was it difficult being “the boss” and then taking your clothes off in front of cast and crew?

Winter:  I made fun of it a lot. I mean, it probably sounds like a nightmare, trying to run a production naked, right? But it wasn’t that weird, believe it or not. In Sweden nudity is quite normal and the director and the cinematographer are both German. I see completely naked people sunbathing in the parks in Berlin like it’s no big deal all the time. In Germany men and women go to the sauna in the gyms together, completely naked. It’s the north European way I guess.

Grouch:  What has been the general reaction to your movie? Also, what’s next for you?

Winter:  From what I’ve read and heard I feel like people either love or hate our movie. I guess some people don’t get it. I understand and respect that. We made this movie exactly how we wanted to make it. It’s not supposed to be taken that seriously, we want people to laugh and have a good time. Every time someone tells me that they like the film, or when I hear audiences laugh at certain parts of the film it’s all worth it.

Me and the director, Patrick von Barkenberg, are developing two new projects right now. One is a TV-show that we have been working on for a very long time. We are hoping to make it in the UK, but we’ll see what the response is. The other one is an independent movie that we are planning on filming in Northern Italy if everything works out. I’m very excited about both of them.

 

At this point, the reader has probably made up his or her mind about whether or not to watch Blood Paradise. Possibly, you are like our contributor Rip van Dinkle and are most intrigued by Andrea’s nude scenes. She was kind enough to drop a “hello” to Rip in the comments section of his “Playboy Interview”:

 

 

In turn, we asked Rip to write captions for the sexy screen captures below. Rip, we should add, is not exactly politically correct.

 

 

 

Rip: “This is the first nude scene. Like all of us, Andrea enjoys some quiet time in the tub. Unlike most of us, she’s worth watching.”

 

 

Rip: “The dude above is Andrea’s real-life partner. You might be looking at him sniffing her foot, but I’m looking at some pussy hair. Then again, I’m a dirty old man.”

 

 

Rip: “The guy above is Andrea’s real-life brother, watching his sister scamper naked in a field. I wonder if he got a boner. I’m sorry, but if that was my sister, I would still get a boner. I wonder if she wondered if he got a boner.”

 

 

Rip: “Andrea told an interviewer that the scene above was shot at dusk, and that mosquitoes were biting her everywhere. Apparently, even the bugs wanted a piece of ass.”

 

 

Rip: “Gee, I wonder what the guy above is peeking at. Could it be Andrea’s perfect butt cheeks?”

 

 

We end with this intriguing YouTube clip from the same appearance referenced above, in which von Barkenberg hints that the DVD (tentatively scheduled for release in July) might be even more revealing than the theatrical cut:

 

 

© 2010-2020 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

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We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Terror 5.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

Terror 5

 

 

Terror 5, produced in 2016 but just now getting a video release, is an Argentinean horror film that follows several story threads with one key theme: revenge. Revenge on bad teachers, revenge on corrupt politicians, revenge on mean-spirited “friends,” and revenge, apparently, on one very naked couple.

The movie is a bit incoherent – there are apocalyptic zombies on the loose; I’m not at all sure why — but it’s never boring.  This is the IMDB plot description:

 

Storyline

While most of the residents of a small Argentinian town attend a funeral procession following a tragic building collapse, the few who do not will face terrors of their own in this mashup of urban legends from brother- filmmakers Sebastián and Federico Rotstein. Think bondage, torture, zombies…and governmental corruption. Juan goes on a date with Sonia to a school where students get even with teachers. Luco and Paulo create an elaborate plan to swap girlfriends. Two lovers escape into a motel for a night of passion, while a group of friends enjoys a snuff film. As their primal urges distract them all, local officials are judged innocent of the neglect that caused the building collapse-and then the horror really begins.

 

One of the bright spots is actress Cecilia Cartasegna as “Gabriela,” a young woman who, after having sweaty, angry sex with her boyfriend, learns that their motel rendezvous is not as private as she had thought.

We e-mail interviewed Cecilia about her role in the film. (English is not her first language, but we thought her occasional grammatical slips were cute, so we left them in):

 

 

Cecilia Cartasegna

 

Grouch:  I thought you were very good in the film. I’d say that your character, Gabriela, and the man in the Joker makeup were probably the most memorable. Thank you for doing this short interview.

Cecilia:  Thank you! I love this movie.

Grouch:  The main theme of the movie seems to be justice: Revenge on corrupt politicians, revenge on cruel friends, and revenge on bad teachers. [Spoiler Alert!] But why were Gabriela and Hernan killed? What was their sin?

Cecilia:  I think their death was not about any sin, was a symptom of the horror in society.  No one is safe anywhere! Not even on the most intimate moment. Every character in this movie in deeply human and a sinner though. Every character is either corrupt, or coward or unjust, greedy. This two do not enjoy sex, it is awkward and bumpy.  They are both being used. I don’t think they even like each other. 

 

Above, Cecilia with actor Julian Larquier, who seems to be enjoying his work

 

Grouch:  It was ironic the way the men in masks were watching you have sex from behind the mirror, while at the same time the audience is watching you on a movie screen. How do you feel about an audience seeing you in such intimate scenes?

Cecilia:  This wasn’t my first intimate scene, usually nudity doesn’t ashamed me. But the first time I saw the movie was at a festival in Mar del Plata, on spring, it was chilly but nice weather. When the movie ended and we went up front for the Q&A, I took my friend’s sweater and I put it in on, the biggest sweater ever!  There is a look people have when they just saw you naked and it was a big audience…

Grouch:  The sex between you and your boyfriend seemed very realistic. Was it simulated or real?

Cecilia:  Julian Larquier is an awesome partner and we talked a lot because we were worried about the reality in the scene. It is really disappointing when while seeing a movie you notice the actors uncomfortable, the sheets carefully and strategically covering the bodies. We try to make it seems real. But it wasn’t. There was many days of shooting for that scene, no one last that long and no one should. Sorry to brake the illusion. 

Grouch:  Was it difficult to do so much of your scenes without clothes?

Cecilia:  It was difficult to stay focused, it was a situational scene, so the acting was about the situation. There was not an emotional story to perform. A small part of me was always thinking “you are naked, you are naked, you are naked.” 

Grouch:  What’s next for you? Any more horror movies? Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Cecilia:  I love horror movies! When the story that is told is fantasy, the acting must expand and other tools became necessary because even though it is not real must feel real for the viewers.

Now it is at post production “To Kill the Dragon” directed by Jimena Monteoliva. It is like a faery tale nightmare. It is my second movie with her. The first one was “Clementina” a psychological thriller filled with ghost and blood.

I hope there are many genre films in my future. I would love to shoot all over the world. This is a big moment for genre.

 

**

 

Let’s face it: A good number of you readers have no intention of ever watching Terror 5. It’s a low-budget, subtitled horror movie with a confusing plot and cheesy special effects.

You probably do, however, want to see more of saucy Ms. Cartasegna in her birthday suit. So here are a few more screen captures and, better yet, a seven-minute clip of the actress’s nude scenes in the movie:

 

“There is a look people have when they just saw you naked, and it was a big audience.”

 

Here is the movie clip:

 

 

Finally, we should mention that at the end of our interview, we had a request for Cecilia. We told her that contributor Rip van Dinkle is a fan, and would she leave a comment for him at one of our small-penis-pageant stories? We sent her this link … and never heard back.

 

 

Said a dejected Rip (pictured above): “It’s too bad. I guess she didn’t like what she saw in the story, assuming she read it. It’s a shame because I think we have something in common: She has diminuto tetas, and I have diminuto pene. And we both have spectacular butts.”

 

Well … he’s half right:

 

 

 

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We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Abduction 101.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

Abduction 101

 

 

I suppose that if I’m an aspiring actress or model stuck in Portland, Oregon, and some French director asks me to star in his low-budget horror movie, I might jump at the opportunity. I suppose I might.

And so we have Abduction 101, a Portland-filmed indie starring four Portland babes. It’s the kind of schlock that gave birth to Joe Bob Briggs (remember him?); the kind of movie that gave oxygen to Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Director Robin Entreinger’s movie stars beauty-pageant contestant Brianna Shewbert Rouse (who’s not bad), Portland model Luna Labelle (who’s quite fetching), and an actress named Adrienne Stone* (who is very, very naked. So naked, in fact, that her prolonged exposure won “Best Nudity Scene” at the Independent Horror Movie Awards).

 

“Best Nudity Scene” — hey, who are we to argue?

 

But I digress. The plot of Abduction 101, not that it matters, is about three cute girls who decide to investigate their mysterious neighbors in the woods. They intend to film the neighbors, who are not expected to object to this invasion of their privacy because, as one of the girls says repeatedly, “all of us are so fucking hot.”

But uh-oh. Turns out the neighbors must have seen Alien 3, in which Sigourney Weaver got impregnated by a creature, and now enjoy doing the same sort of thing to unsuspecting people – like snoopy neighbor girls who are so fucking hot. That’s the plot.

Watching Abduction 101 is at times an endurance test. Any shot that might last five seconds in a better movie will drag on for 30 seconds in this one. A scene that goes on for a minute in another flick will be stretched to five minutes here. In fact, the whole movie feels like filler between the opening 15 minutes, in which Entreinger’s camera lustfully scans the girls’ bodies, to the midpoint, which features the famous nude scene, to the blessed relief of an ending.

 

Three “fucking hot” girls

 

And yet … I shouldn’t complain. In the “Me Too” era, I’m glad that they still make outright exploitation like this. Someone needs to carry on the tradition of Joe Bob Briggs. And Portland models need the work.      Grade:  You Don’t Want to Know

 

Directors: Robin Entreinger, Steve Noir  Cast: Brianna Shewbert Rouse, Luna Labelle, Adrienne Stone, Nixi Oblivion, Kayla Kilby Release: 2019

 

*It’s possible that the naked actress is actually called “Nixi Oblivion.” It’s impossible to know based on the incomplete credits. Maybe that’s intentional?

 

The Girls of ‘Abduction 101’

 

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Brianna Shewbert Rouse

 

It must be frustrating when your leading lady won’t get naked for your horror movie. What’s a French director to do? In this case, he dresses Brianna in tight pants and bikinis and then zooms in on her butt. A lot.  

 

Above at far right, Brianna in a beauty contest

 

Kayla Kilby

 

Kayla has a small part in Abduction 101, basically just a fight scene near the end of the movie. She gets killed (below). Looks like she isn’t wearing panties. Judging from the modeling photos that follow, that seems to be a recurring theme.

 

 

 

Luna Labelle

 

Inexplicably, Luna, who had no issues with doing full-frontal and full-rear nudity in the modeling photos below, does not appear naked in Abduction 101. We can only guess that this oversight was due to the directors being unaware of the photos.

 

 

 

 

Adrienne Stone (we think)

 

Last but not least, we bring you Adrienne Stone. Unless it’s Nixi Oblivion. We’re going to go with Adrienne Stone. Whoever she is, she was quite the good sport and was no doubt most responsible for the movie’s “Best Nudity Scene” honor.

Also, the fact that she allowed some actor to fondle her boobs and let Entreinger’s camera peek between her legs probably had something to do with it.

 

 

Abduction 101 is now available on Amazon Prime. Click here to watch the trailer.

 

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Harvey Weinstein gets in trouble with the starlets. George Bush gets in trouble with his “David Cop-a-Feel” routine. But Howard Stern, the King of All Sexual Harassment, never seems to get in trouble.

Stern has been copping feels and scandalizing women for as long as I can remember. The difference between Howard and Harvey and George? Somehow, the “shock jock” persuades his female guests that a little bare-bottomed humiliation is their idea.

And their husbands and boyfriends are just as game and/or gullible, offering up their ladies to Howard’s altar of ass.

Stern’s 1992 video Butt Bongo Fiesta is a monument to bad taste, with cringe-worthy racism, misogyny, and homophobia all competing for attention. Not to mention scatological humor. Much of the video is, well, unwatchable. But I do like the parts presented below.

(The quality isn’t great on these clips, but hey, they are lifted from an ancient, hard-to-find VHS tape, and so ….)

 

Marie

 

 

Marie told Howard that she is a housewife and a real estate developer. She and her spouse “represent your more middle-of-the-road American couple,” she claimed, but Howard was skeptical. “I bet you do,” he said.

The kinky housewife revealed that she and hubby sometimes enjoy spanking sessions. For this video, Howard got to join the fun.

 

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In these screen captures, Howard nearly tongues a piece of ass. Hubby doesn’t mind. Wifey seems not to notice.

 

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The cameraman zooms in so that viewers can enjoy a close-up of Marie’s bare — and quite red — cheeks:

 

 

We’re not sure if Marie had an orgasm during her spanking session. It seems like a possibility. Here is the video:

 

Stacy

 

 

Stacy was a 21-year-old blonde whose long-haired boyfriend wanted to bongo her butt for Howard.

Below, Howard takes a peek at Stacy’s blonde bush and persuades her to remove her g-string:

 

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Howard examined Stacy’s bare backside and quipped, “My goodness — anybody want a roast-beef sandwich?”

 

 

Stacy’s video:

 

 

Jessica

 

 

Jessica Hahn achieved infamy when her sex scandal with televangelist Jim Bakker made headlines in 1987. The former church secretary then prolonged her 15 minutes of fame by debasing herself for Howard and by posing, naturally, for Playboy magazine (below).

 

 

 

In the video below, Ms. Hahn spreads her limbs for a sketch in Butt Bongo Fiesta:

 

 

And here she is in a segment about the vagina. Notice how the cameraman cannot resist zooming in on hers.

 

 

If you’d like to watch the entire video – not exactly recommended – it can be found here or here on YouTube.

 

 

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We don’t know if these daring dads and their darling daughters are A) artistically uninhibited; B) sexually perverted; or C) some combination of the above, but we do know that it’s not every day that papa films his progeny in the buff — and then shares the lust-provoking results with the world.

 

Katrine Boorman & director John Boorman

 

 

“A lot of people ask me, well, ‘How did you feel about directing your daughter being raped?’ Well, she wasn’t being raped of course. It was just a scene. She didn’t mind, and nor did I.” – John Boorman on Excalibur’s director’s commentary

 

 

“I’ve always said that once you’ve been raped by Gabriel Byrne and Corin Redgrave in armor, watched by your father, you’ll never look back.” – Katrine Boorman in The Independent

 

 

“So I was doing the scene with John Boorman’s daughter Katrine, who was playing my wife, and I was supposed to make love to her in quite a violent fashion. Anyway, I made love to Katrine in the wide shot, doing my grunting and groaning and all those medieval sexual shenanigans. Then they came in for the close shot.”– Gabriel Byrne. 

Byrne’s turn humping Katrine was apparently left on the cutting-room floor; in the shots reproduced here, that’s Redgrave having his way with Boorman’s daughter.

 

 

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Katrine didn’t just bare her breasts for daddy when she was 23; she went topless again at age 39 in 1997’s Le Bonheur est un mensonge (above left). In 2012, Katrine got behind the camera to make a documentary about her famous family called Me and Me Dad. Below, the infamous pumping scene from Excalibur:

 

Asia Argento & director Dario Argento

 

 

“Argento began performing for her father when she was a teenager, appearing in the nude as a 16-year-old in Trauma. She was also a rape victim in another of his films, The Stendhal Syndrome. Not surprisingly, these roles and their father-daughter relationship scandalized Italy. Argento has said that they are viewed in her native country like a real-life Addams Family – ghoulish and weird.” – New York Daily News

Now 41, Asia apparently still has a thing for older men. It was recently reported that she’s dating TV personality Anthony Bourdain, 61.

 

 “How’s this, dad?” Sixteeen-year-old Asia in Trauma.

 

“I never acted out of ambition; I acted to gain my father’s attention. It took a long time for him to notice me – I started when I was nine, and he only cast me when I was 16. And he only became my father when he was my director.” – Asia Argento in Filmmaker Magazine

 

Above and below, Asia in Dracula 3D

 

 

 

 In Dario’s The Phantom of the Opera, above and below, Asia gets taken doggie-style.

 

 

Alexis Vogel & photographer Ron Vogel

 

 

From Playboy’s February 1979 pictorial “Father Knows Best”:

“Photographer Ron Vogel has been snapping pictures of his daughter ever since she was a baby. At 21, she’s still his favorite model.”

 

 

“Over the years, Ron took ‘hundreds of pictures of Lexi in various states of undress. She has youth and vitality greater than most of the models I’ve worked with and her coloring is extraordinary; she has earthy tones and dark penetrating eyes.’”

Click on the thumbnail shots below for full-sized views of Ron’s full-frontal shots of Alexis.

 

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“Lexi: ‘I was a ham. I’d try to get my dad’s attention away from the models … I never had any problems posing that way for my father.’”

 

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“‘Posing nude for me throughout the years has made Lexi very free about herself,’ says Ron.”

 

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Most slasher-flick producers figure that if they can convince a few actresses to take their clothes off on camera, and then toss in a bucket of blood, the job is done. Not so with Girl House, a better-than-average slash-‘em-up that – gasp! – does not insult the intelligence.

That doesn’t mean that the actresses in Girl House keep their clothes on, or that there are no buckets of blood. It does mean that you won’t be bored between stripteases.

 

The Story:

In a prologue, two pre-teen girls chase a boy through the woods. They catch him and then, as naughty girls are wont to do … they pull down his shorts. They then proceed to trick the poor schlub into showing them his penis:

 

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 “We wanna see what’s down there,” says mean girl Camren Bicondova

 

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“That’s it? Looks like an acorn!”

 

As we all know, this is how serial killers are born.

 

 

Fast forward to the present, and we meet college student Kylie (above), a nice girl who needs money. In her desperation, Kylie does what most college students who need money do: She goes to work at McDonald’s.

Just kidding. She takes a job at the titular “Girl House,” a wired-up mansion in which half a dozen hotties are spied on, 24 hours a day, by thousands of horny Internet viewers.

 

 

The house is supposedly secure, but the girls’ guardians don’t reckon with a certain young man whose rage against females has festered since he once had his pants pulled down by two naughty girls. Someone’s going to pay for that.

 

 

One by one the Web-cam girls get picked off, but not before most of them fulfill the obligations of movies like this by stripping down to their birthday suits. As a bonus for the viewer, the actresses in Girl House don’t seem like future porn stars; they’re exploited, sure, but … see “Casting Call” sidebar below.

 

 

Girl House plays better than it sounds. The characters all have at least the semblance of personality, the production values are decent, and the pace is snappy. It’s no Texas Chain Saw Massacre or Halloween – but it does have more T&A.   Grade: B-

 

 

Directors: Jon Knautz, Trevor Matthews  Cast: Ali Cobrin, Adam DiMarco, Slaine, Alyson Bath, Elysia Rotaru, Chasty Ballesteros, Nicole Arianna Fox, Alexis Kendra (Peters), Camren Bicondova, Baylee Wall   Release: 2014

 

 

Watch the Trailer (click here)

 

 

 

**

 

Casting Call:

 

 

How do you cast the girls for a movie like Girl House? We’re guessing the casting director caught some of the performances below. (Click on thumbnails for a larger view.)

 

Ali Cobrin (“Kylie”)

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Ali Cobrin’s good side and, uh, other side in American Reunion (2012)

 

**

 

Chasty Ballesteros (“Janet”)

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Chasty Ballesteros gets butt-pumped in Showtime’s Ray Donovan (2013); enjoys crotch play and displays her rear in the 2013 Cinemax series The Girl’s Guide to Depravity

 

**

 

Alyson Bath (“Devon”)

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Alyson Bath, sometimes billed as Shirleyann Mason, gave it (and the audience) her all in the 2009 Cinemax series Lingerie

 

**

 

Nicole Arianna Fox (“Mia”)

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Model Nicole Fox strips for a photo shoot in Redlands (2014)

 

**

 

Alexis Kendra (“Business Woman”)

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Also known as Alexis Peters, Alexis Kendra went topless in Hatchet II (2010); in Goddess of Love (2015) she got bolder, including the ass shot and the full-frontal above. At top, she contemplates life while seated on a toilet.

 

**

 

Elysia Rotaru (“Heather”)

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Elysia Rotaru puts the girls in Girl House

 

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“Take off your clothes … because I’m going to do a strip search – full cavity.”

 

I’m not entirely sure for whom Strip Search is a guilty pleasure – me, or the late, great, director Sidney Lumet. Possibly it’s both of us.

Lumet, who turned 80 the year this film was released, is responsible for classics including 12 Angry Men, Fail-Safe, Dog Day Afternoon, and Network. In his dotage, however, the movie maestro seemed to draw more inspiration from Girls Gone Wild than from social issues.

 

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Just ask Oscar winner Marisa Tomei, whom Sidney coaxed out of her clothes for his final film, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead. Or check out Strip Search star Maggie Gyllenhaal, who, after a sexy turn in Secretary, apparently had a nudity clause inserted in her film contracts; in Maggie’s case, it seems she’ll only take roles that require it.

 

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 Maggie Gyllenhaal assumes the position for James Spader in Secretary

 

Strip Search, which aired once on HBO in 2004 and was then promptly pulled from the network schedule (there were complaints and controversy), is an intense examination of how governments can and do violate the civil rights of ordinary citizens. Lumet presents alternating storylines with near-identical dialogue, in one case focusing on an American named Linda (Gyllenhaal) who is brutally interrogated in China, and in the other case depicting an Arab man (Bruno Lastra) similarly abused by an FBI hard-ass played by Glenn Close.

 

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Glenn Close to Bruno Lastra: “Is there a part of your body you’re embarrassed about, something … smaller than it ought to be?”

 

At about the midpoint, Strip Search goes from social commentary to sexual commentary, courtesy of Lumet’s leering camera.  It’s hard to contemplate civil liberties when you are distracted by lingering close-ups of Maggie’s bare breasts being kneaded like bread dough, or by Glenn asking her captive Arab if a body part is “smaller than it ought to be” while eyeballing his willie.    Grade: B

 

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Director: Sidney Lumet  Cast: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ken Leung, Glenn Close, Bruno Lastra, Austin Pendleton, Jim Gaffigan  Release: 2004

 

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“Yes, a good solid body.”

 

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“Take off your clothes … because I’m going to do a strip search – full cavity.”

 

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“Yes, you’ve got a good solid body.”

 

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“If I touch you down there, what do you think your reaction will be?”

  

Strip Search is once again available on HBO. If you would prefer to see just the good parts, i.e., Maggie Gyllenhaal forced to strip and getting felt up by Ken Leung, watch movie outtakes by clicking the links below: 

 

strip-search1

strip-search2

 

If the above videos don’t work on your mobile device, try these:

 

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grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

 

And now for something completely different …

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

 

Once upon a time, Your Humble Reviewer lived in a strange kingdom called Texas. One lonely night he imbibed too much mead and found himself staring at a late-night movie on Cinemax. The movie had lots of nudity and sex, and the story was very silly. Alas, the nasty mead eventually caused Your Humble Reviewer to drift off into dreamland, until …

 

… the following morning, when bits and pieces of the Cinemax movie began to crop up in his foggy memory bank. The film had been called Cinderella, and indeed it featured wicked stepsisters and a fairy godmother and a carriage ride to the big ball. But it also had sex scenes. And music and dancing. Disco-flavored music. Most perplexing of all, it seemed to Your Humble Reviewer that the movie … had not sucked.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

 

Many moons later, in the year 2015 and while he dwelled in a new kingdom called Minnesota, Your Humble Reviewer once again watched Cinderella, which had recently been issued on DVD. And lo and behold, it still didn’t suck. Quite the contrary; parts of this soft-core-porn-musical-comedy were actually a hoot, and the songs and choreography were, well, quite good.

 

The plot:  What, you don’t know the story of Cinderella? The plot in this version is the same, albeit with adults-only alterations. The fairy godmother, for example, is played by black actor Sy Richardson who, as a fun-loving thief, steals every household good in sight and every scene he appears in. The handsome prince, in his quest to find the enchanting Cinderella, slips more than a shoe onto comely maidens. Oh, and then there is the “snapping pussy” ….

 

                grouchyeditor.com Cinderellagrouchyeditor.com Cinderellagrouchyeditor.com Cinderella

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In an inexplicable, bizarre dream sequence, this creepy geezer squeezes poor Cinderella’s breasts until they squirt milk.

 

Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith plays the beloved lead, which in this telling of the fairy tale requires her to be gullible (check), cute as a button (check), personable (check), and often naked (check and check again). Sadly, Smith’s real life was apparently no fairy tale. According to her Wikipedia biography, a few years after Cinderella, Smith became addicted to heroin, which eventually led to a pair of prison stints and her death from liver disease and hepatitis at age 47.

It’s not likely that NBC will be inspired to produce this version of Cinderella as one of its live musical holiday specials. Along with the voluminous sex and skin, this is a low-budget affair, with bad dubbing, cheesy sets, and dime-store special effects. On the other hand, this 1977 oddity boasts music and songs by Andrew Belling with witty lyrics, an energetic cast, amusing 1970s pop-culture references, and some numbers that are better than what you’ll find in many “legitimate” musicals. It’s all very good-natured and fun.

In the end, of course, they all fuck happily ever after. Merry Christmas.   Grade: B

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

Elizabeth Halsey rides the prince while Linda Gildersleeve, also in her birthday suit, looks on.

 

Director: Michael Pataki   Cast: Cheryl Smith, Yana Nirvana, Marilyn Corwin, Jennifer Doyle, Sy Richardson, Brett Smiley, Kirk Scott, Brenda Fogarty, Elizabeth Halsey, Linda Gildersleeve, Mariwin Roberts, Roberta Tapley  Release: 1977

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

 

Watch the Trailer (click here)

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

This female extra was either the victim of budget cuts (no money for knickers!), or she was married to a producer and had an exhibitionist fetish.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

Cinderella (right) and the girls check out the prince’s family jewels.

 

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

grouchyeditor.com Cinderella

 

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