I wouldn’t presume to call this a “review” of the Declaration of Independence or the U.S. Constitution, any more than I would attempt to “review” the King James Bible. But since I finally got around to reading these historic documents (the book includes the Bill of Rights), let me make a few humble observations:

 

1:  No wonder society is a mess. The problem is the English language. Nearly every word we use is subject to interpretation — especially the words penned by the Founding Fathers. If we could all agree on the meanings of “just,” or “benefit,” or “inalienable rights,” wouldn’t life be peachy keen? Alas, we are an argumentative bunch. 

2:  Assuming you take the original documents at face value, then our country is saturated with constitutional violations. They say history is written by the winners; constitutional law is all too often defined by those in power. Our judicial system, charged with deciphering the Constitution, is just as susceptible to prejudice as the rest of us.

3:  Those old boys in the 18th Century did their best with what they had. So far as I can tell, no other country has done better.

 

 

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Guilty Pleasure of the Week:  Behind Her Eyes 

 

This is an entertaining series if you can get past that little … uh … astral-projection thing.

As one critic on Rotten Tomatoes says, it’s just bonkers enough to hold your attention, despite that … astral-projection thing.

Also, star Simona Brown is hot and shows her buns in one scene. Unfortunately, Netflix blocks my screen-cap function, or I’d show you her buns.

Fortunately, her buns also appear in something called Kiss Me First. So I’ll show you that, instead:

 

 

Oh, yeah. Also her boobs:

 

 

Feel free to astral project.

 

**

 

Aha! At long last, we finally have an answer as to why Tim Pool is always wearing that stupid beanie:

 

 

**

 

 

I’m going to stop criticizing Twitter, YouTube, Amazon and Facebook for censoring and banning conservatives, because I suspect that’s not really what they are doing.

I’m going to criticize them for censoring and banning Trump supporters, because I suspect that’s really what they are doing.

 

**

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

 

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The Cuomo brothers — so cool and so fun and stuff!

It was super-fun when some kids who are even cooler — Hollywood celebrities — recognized the Cuomo magic and gave Andrew an Emmy!

Don’t you wish you could be as cool (and cute!) as the Cuomos and Hollywood celebrities?

Maybe if you cleaned up and stayed away from Walmart, you too could be cool!

 

(Just don’t tell grandma and grandpa about how much you dig the Cuomos. They might have seen the headline below.)

 

 

 

**

 

Speaking of Walmart …

It’s interesting that one Hollywood big shot who is most vocal about trashing Deplorables, thereby distancing himself from them, is also a guy who, were it not for his celebrity, looks like he would be most at home at Walmart:

 

 

**

 

I’m not sure which is a greater threat to the United States as we know it (knew it?) and democracy throughout the world: China, or global corporations that kiss China’s ass.

Aside from the damned virus that it unleashed on the world, it’s not hard to find other atrocities China is committing. It’s also not hard to find out which companies and billionaires suck up to Beijing:

 

Clue:  Which movie studio praised Chinese “re-education-camp” officials in the credits for its 2020 movie, Mulan?

Hint:  Which rich guy wanted to please China by dumping the national anthem before his NBA team’s home games?

Clue:  Which president (and his family) is financially in bed with the Chinese?

 

Joe Biden seems to be doing his best impersonation of Neville Chamberlain, the reviled British prime minister who thought it was a good idea to appease Hitler.

 

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Yes, Beyonce is an attractive woman. But, sorry, her ass is way too fat.

It’s gross.

There. I said it.

 

**

 

 

Someone on our staff read the above article and has been insufferably smug ever since:

 

 

Sigh. Yes, his eyes are also brown.

 

**

 

 

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by Anand Giridharadas

 

I wanted to know more about the economic and political forces that drove us to this tumultuous moment in time. But I didn’t want to read more Trump, Trump, Trump. And so I chose Giridharadas’s book, published in 2018, about 1 Percenters and aspiring 1 Percenters and their role in creating our current mess.

I like Giridharadas’s approach to income inequality and what it’s led to: rising populism and social turmoil. Rather than interview politicians and the losers of this economic war — as so many journalists do — Giridharadas grills the “winners” and lets their own words condemn them. Each of them claims a desire to do public good, but nearly all of them find reasons to justify the big-picture status quo, which just happens to let them continue to do well.

Ultimately, the book is about rationalization. It details the decades-long shift of big business from community partners to enthusiastic globalists. It explains how throwing crumbs to the hometown public through so-called public initiatives allows the elites to sleep at night. The author’s interview with wealthy heir/philanthropist Laurie Tisch is telling:

Tisch:  “The people who get to take advantage of the system, why would they really want to change it? They’ll maybe give more money away, but they don’t want to radically change it.”

Giridharadas:  Was there anything she could imagine that would convince them otherwise?

Tisch:  “Revolution, maybe.”

 

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Perhaps it’s because the temperature is ten degrees below zero where I live, but for some reason I have even more rants than usual this week. Let’s get started, shall we?

 

 

I’m afraid we’re long past the point of calling out your political opponents’ hypocrisy or double standards to effectively shame them or to change anyone’s mind.

Your opponents don’t care about any of that because your opponents are at war with you. And you know, “all is fair in love and war.”

Your opponents will win if you don’t fight back.

Even Tim Pool (pictured above), who in the past advocated for a “we’re better than that” approach to the culture war, is now advocating for cancel culture — from the right and against “woke” culture. “Put your money where your mouth is,” he says.

 

**

 

I like something else that Pool is pushing for. Rather than whine incessantly about liberal Hollywood and the progressive-dominated culture, he wants to create a new, albeit much smaller, version of Hollywood, one that isn’t so “woke.”

Pool is looking for talent to make short videos and music. If I were a younger pup, I’d apply for a job.

 

**

 

Conservative media pundits keep asking, why is the left so angry? Didn’t they win the election?

Methinks it’s because Trump and his supporters, by pointing out progressive flaws, puncture the left’s cherished dreams. There is nothing worse you can do to an upset child than to puncture his dreams.

 

**

 

President Emmanuel Macron and famously leftist France are worried about preserving their heritage.

Meanwhile, in America, our heritage has been deemed horrible and must be destroyed and completely rebuilt.

 

**

 

I’m still in shock that Rod Blagojevich got sent to jail in 2012. Anyone rich or powerful is not supposed to face consequences, especially not jail time. Blago and fellow felon Lori Loughlin must have had horrible lawyers.

 

**

 

Eric Swalwell slept with a Chinese spy? Let’s investigate!

Ilhan Omar misused campaign funds and married her brother so he could come to America? Let’s investigate!

Powerful people made up the Trump-Russia “scandal”? Let John Durham investigate!

Powerful people are intimately connected to the Jeffrey Epstein scandal? Go get ‘em!

Wall Street bankers committed crimes leading to the 2008 financial collapse? Go get ‘em!

Bush, Obama, and Trump all broke the law?

 

After much fuss and outrage, all of this … just … fadesaway. I imagine that in a few weeks, we’ll all forget about Andrew Cuomo and his nursing-home scandal.

 

**

 

It’s not every day that we get a plug on someone else’s site, so let’s raise a glass to this shout-out from Artsploitation Films:

 

 

**

 

So even 60 Minutes, a show I revered in my youth, is now incompetent at best, utterly corrupt at worst. If 60 Minutes reporters are supposed to be the crème de la crème of investigative journalism, how could Lesley Stahl interview a rumored child molester (about how bad Trump is) without realizing she is interviewing a rumored child molester?

I guess that any show that has Anderson Cooper as an alumnus is automatically suspect.

 

**

 

Look up “bitch” in the dictionary and this is what you should find:

 

 

**

 

 

This is why CNN has become the National Enquirer of cable news.

 

**

 

 

I had never heard of this actress, probably because I avoid most action or Star Wars-themed shows. But I learned that she got canned from her Disney job for doing the unthinkable: speaking the truth.

So, I did a search of Gina Carano and found this picture:

 

 

Is that — or rather, are those — Gina Carano or some Internet fake?

Either way, I wish her career success.

 

**

 

 

I am more and more digging The Babylon Bee.

 

**

 

 

LeBron James must be so proud.

 

**

 

Still waiting for your stimulus check? Sorry, you’ll have to wait a bit longer. The Senate, having exhausted itself over the grueling Trump impeachment proceedings, has more important tasks right now. Like taking a week-long vacation. Your check can wait.

 

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grouchyeditor.com Cortez

 

Listening to A.O.C. get all emotional this week about how mean and scary some people are reinforces my belief (fear) that if the future of America is exemplified by politicians like her, then our future is to be ruled by clueless snowflakes.

 

**

 

Before

 

Some weeks back I compared America-dominated-by-progressives to the Eloi waiting to be crushed by the Morlocks in H.G. Wells’s The Time Machine.

Now I’m thinking a better analogy might be the crowd of hapless dreamers atop the skyscraper in Independence Day, naively cheering on their enemy — the malevolent space aliens — just moments before they (the dreamers) are zapped out of existence.

 

After

 

Your blissful, globalized, identity-politics world would be a swell thing if not for the fact that some folks aren’t on board. You know, like the folks who run China and Russia. Who are waiting to crush you.

 

**

 

I’m not sure which is more cringe-inducing: Brett Favre attempting to act in the 1998 comedy There’s Something About Mary, or Favre attempting to be funny in his Tuesday interview with Tucker Carlson about … cheese.

 

**

 

I wonder if TCM, which seems to be airing quite a few “woke”-themed movies lately, is running a bit scared.

After all, it isn’t that hard to find something “problematic” about pretty much every movie ever made. If the social justice warriors set their sights on TCM, well … Gone with the Wind will be just the first of many, many targets.

Is TCM taking pre-emptive action, by running, for example, documentaries about the civil rights movement in the 1960s?

 

**

 

From Time magazine’s article about the “shadowy” elite working to make sure Trump didn’t get elected a second time:

 

grouchyeditor.com Time mag

 

There you have it. They were simply protecting democracy itself. Feel better now?

 

**

 

The following comment on Twitter is cruel and tasteless, and we in no way endorse the commenter’s viewpoint:

 

 

On the other hand, after enduring four years of Twitter snipes about Donald Trump’s small penis, well, you know what they say: What’s good for the goose is ….

 

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The White Tiger

 

In The White Tiger,  a man from a low caste in India hopes to rise in society by becoming a rich man’s chauffeur — but he eventually decides that a more cynical, even murderous, approach is the way to get ahead. I learned some things from the film. I got to witness some of the horrific conditions for the poor living in India without actually living among the poor in India.

But that was also my problem with the movie: It was interesting, but not especially involving. It’s a well-produced film and its populist message is timely, but when the end credits rolled, I thought, “That’s all?”  Release: 2021  Grade: B

 

**

 

Happy Times

 

A Jewish family gathers around a dining table, bickering and sniping at each other about the shortcomings and sins of their husbands, wives, and cousins — nothing new about that in a comic movie. But what distinguishes writer/director Michael Mayer’s Happy Times is the dramatic segue from a comedy of ill manners into something quite different when simmering tensions boil over into all-out, murderous mayhem.

Happy Times came as a pleasant surprise, possibly because other reviews of the film are either lukewarm or non-existent. But I was consistently amused and often delighted by the family members, whose hang-ups range from mild neurosis to full-blown psychopathy. It’s impossible to predict which of them will snap at a moment’s notice; more than once, I lost track of who had offed (or apparently offed) whom. But that didn’t matter because Mayer’s pace is frenzied and the characters — all of them — are comic gold. Release: 2019  Grade: B+

 

A dinner party from hell.

 

Liraz Chamami plays a model housewife — not.

 

 

 

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(See story below)

 

**

 

 

Yeah, I don’t understand it, either.

But I look at it this way: If you understand physics, you’re probably a nerd. If you understand the GameStop story, you’re probably an asshole. Unless you’re an amateur trader on Reddit, bringing down the big boys on Wall Street.

When they make the movie about this, because of course they will, I want Michael Douglas to play a hedge-fund manager, or possibly “Vlad” from Robinhood. That would be even more entertaining than Gordon Gekko’s comeuppance in Wall Street.

Speaking of the GameStop story, here is Tim Pool tearing Elizabeth Warren a new one. 

 

**

 

 

I don’t have kids, so I’m not going to begin this rant with the obligatory caveat “I love teachers but …” that nearly every story that dares to criticize educators includes. So let me just ask: Is there a more selfish group in America than teachers?

Teachers already have retirement benefits, paid for by you, which are likely much cushier than what you have. They are near-impossible to fire. Now they apparently expect to be well-paid to not teach kids — at the expense of kids.

Although the vast majority of teachers are well below the age of 65, they also expect to be first in line for the virus vaccine. Because they are special. They are better than you.

And please don’t try to divorce teachers from their greedy unions, because the unions wouldn’t exist without teachers’ support.

 

**

 

 

We don’t need a fence between the U.S. and Mexico. We need one between San Francisco and the rest of us.

 

**

 

If you want to do something that is unpopular with the average citizen, claim that your goal is to accomplish one of three things: 1) keeping the public safe from the virus; 2) keeping the public safe from terrorism; or 3) advancing social “equity.” If you can convince enough people that you mean well, you can get by with just about anything.

 

**

 

 

You go, girl.

 

**

 

The best way to get attention for your video is nothing new: sex sells. That’s why so many videos have sensational thumbs and titles that don’t really jibe with their content, and why videos like the one below choose bare-skin shots for their thumbnails:

 

 

If you’re like us, you don’t want to watch the whole video; you just want to see bare ass. So here is the video above edited into two bite-sized segments. You’re welcome.

 

 

**

 

 

One hundred years ago, the male of the species was thrilled to catch a glimpse of a well-turned female ankle, or perhaps, if he was lucky, a glimpse of thigh at the beach.

Today, thanks to COVID-19, men are deprived of seeing that most erogenous of zones, the female face. It’s become a rare treat to catch a peek of a gal’s cheek, or even, if our boy is really lucky, a partial proboscis.

In that spirit, we are proud to present a sneak preview of the magazine for 2021, Play Mask. Take a look at some of the girls featured in our debut pictorial:

 

Will she or won’t she? Teri the tease leaves us guessing (and gasping) as she begins to disrobe in public.

 

“Take it off! Take it all off!” Marcie prepares to leave work for the day — and leave us trembling like a bowl of shaken jelly.

 

Maria has plans to visit a nude beach this weekend, and her see-thru mask has us planning to go, as well.

 

Just in case you think Play Mask is unwilling to “go all the way,” have a look at cheeky Cherie, above, who has the audacity to go full-frontal.

 

Naughty Nancy wasn’t prepared to go full-frontal for us, but we’re happy to see full-nose, above.

 

Foxy Felicia, above, leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. And we love it.

 

 

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As I type this, I am listening to an interview with Edward Snowden about the privacy abuse routinely committed by our so-called “national security” agencies. And I am depressed.

Earlier today, I was listening to news about Democrat desires to “deprogram” Trump supporters and conduct “truth and reconciliation” tribunals for other Trump supporters. And I am depressed.

I’ve already read Brave New World, 1984, and Fahrenheit 451 and have no desire to watch them play out in real life.

 

**

 

But what to do?

Well, if you are just an average Joe or Josephine or whatever sexual (or non-sexual) identity, we do have some precedent. The left unveiled it over the past few years and called it the “resistance.”

I am, as you’ve probably surmised, a saintly personality and would never advocate that anyone (outside of the rich and powerful, of course) do anything illegal. But purely as a hypothetical, here are a few suggestions for Deplorables:

 

Tips for the New Resistance

 

 

a.  Resist on a small scale. If tens of millions of us refuse to wear bicycle helmets, smoke cigarettes on a public beach, and point out that Biden appointee Rachel Levine (above) is one ugly motherfucker, those little things will eventually add up and drive the left insane.

b.  Ignore the laws you don’t like — just don’t get caught. We learned this lesson from the Democrats, who wanted legal marijuana, illegal immigrants, and censorship of conservative voices. All of those things were illegal per federal laws, but tell that to Colorado with its pot industry, major metropolises that call themselves “sanctuary cities,” and Jack Dorsey at Twitter.

c.  If you don’t like seatbelt laws, don’t wear them. Don’t like pot? Report your neighbors when you smell it and tell the cops that what you really smell is Marlboro Lights. If you are tired of illegal immigration … well, I can’t help you with that one. Vote for Ted Cruz, maybe.

d.  Refuse to follow the “woke” speech rules. Mispronounce Kamala’s name, intentionally. Refer occasionally to the Cleveland Indians or Atlanta Braves. Call Bruce Jenner a “he.” A.O.C. is now Sandy Cortez (thanks, Tucker Carlson). The mainstream media produces “fake news,” and “undocumented workers” are “illegal aliens.”

e.  Call out the left’s hypocrisy. Remind them that although Trump might not be a nice guy and he might not be as well spoken as previous presidents, he didn’t start any wars and, if he did commit crimes in office, they were nothing that Bill and Hillary and Barack and Joe didn’t do before him.

f.  As repugnant as it might be, you’ll have to participate in cancel culture. Don’t support entertainers who trash you and do boycott businesses who go woke.

g.  Tell your liberal friends (assuming you have any) that, due to voter fraud, Biden is illegitimate and “not my president.” Make sure to use the words “voter fraud.”

h.  If you must use Twitter or Facebook, use it to troll the left.

i.  Above all, do not let them get comfortable. Kill them with a million little social infractions.

 

**

 

 

No comment.

 

**

 

 

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The Vanished

 

The Vanished, a Netflix thriller about a couple (Thomas Jane and Anne Heche) whose child goes missing during a camping trip, is reminiscent of a famous movie that debuted some 20 years back. (I can’t reveal the name of that earlier film, because citing it might serve as a spoiler for The Vanished — you’ll know precisely what sort of twist to look for.) The older movie played things straight and its surprise ending was a memorable shock to the system.

The Vanished, however, veers repeatedly into camp territory. Some lead characters are downright goofy (are we witnessing bad acting or bad dialogue?). Sadly, this bizarro-world tone worked as a spoiler and allowed me to predict “The Big Twist” well before its emergence. But the journey to that twist was never boring and was entertaining in a guilty-pleasure kind of way. Release: 2020  Grade: B-

 

Bonus Cheesecake

 

Aleksei Archer (above left with Anne Heche) plays a supporting role in The Vanished, that of a camping neighbor who is continually ogled by Thomas Jane while she is in various stages of undress. We are all about advancing the careers of aspiring starlets, so please enjoy these pics of Aleksei’s assets:

 

 

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