We Summon the Darkness

 

In old-school slasher flicks, the psychos were usually male and their victims were often female. But this is the post “Me Too” era, and so in We Summon the Darkness the roles have reversed. (OK, so that was a twist spoiler; but it’s not much of a twist.) Yet one thing hasn’t changed over the years: Old-school slashers were generally ridiculous, and that certainly holds true with this 2019 offering.  It’s well-produced — but not so well-written.

Alexandra Daddario plays the alpha of three female dimwits who hook up with three equally dimwitted boys for a night of drinking and games at her parents’ isolated house. Bad things happen. You know the drill. Release: 2019 Grade: C-

 

Sidebar:

Alexandra Daddario, who stars and is listed as one of the film’s producers, gets to flex her acting chops in We Summon the Darkness. I hadn’t seen Daddario in anything since 2014’s True Detective, in which she memorably flexed a few other things (see below).

 

 

The video clip:

 

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by Soji Shimada

 

I guess you could call Shimada Japan’s answer to Agatha Christie, but I wouldn’t put him in Dame Agatha’s league. Crooked House is a locked-room murder mystery with all of the usual ingredients: an isolated group of suspects, most of whom have something to hide, but not necessarily murder; an eccentric detective to amaze everyone with his astounding deductions; and a convoluted, somewhat clever plot.

I say “somewhat” clever because I didn’t buy the resolution to the story, which is more “howdunit” than whodunit. I suppose that, theoretically, it’s possible that the crimes could be committed per Shimada’s plot. But man … it takes a great deal of goodwill on the readers’ part to buy into it.

 

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Ruminations

 

We don’t separate cops from their police unions, so why do we separate teachers from theirs?

 

I’ve grown weary of hearing about how wonderful our teachers are (give them a raise!), but how awful their unions are. Teachers compose and support these awful unions. Without teachers, they don’t exist. So if you despise the unions, put the blame where it belongs: with teachers.

 

*

 

All of these recent “assaults” on Americans’ civil liberties (I’m looking at you, California) seem to be a big surprise to a lot of people.

 

But this stuff doesn’t really surprise me. I’m a cigarette smoker. If you smoke, you long ago got used to bans and taxes and stigma and the tyranny of big government and majority rule.

 

Welcome to the club, fellow Americans.

 

*

 

Trump’s biggest threat comes from the TINOs — Trumpers in Name Only. These people pretend to support Trump because they feel they must, but their real goal is to undermine him. The TINOs, like their soulmates who are Democrats, are swamp creatures threatened by change to the status quo.

 

I mean, are Lindsey Graham, Jim Jordan, and Mitch McConnell really MAGA fans?

 

*

 

 

Take a look at the picture above. The old lady represents everyone who’s had it with the violence and intimidation employed by Antifa, Black Lives Matter, and other leftists referred to by mainstream media as “peaceful protesters.” The guy on the left represents everyone who voted for Portland’s Democrat leadership.

Which side do you support?

 

*

 

Meteorologists now refer to certain phenomena as “rain events.” Apparently, it’s no longer impressive enough to simply say “rain.”

 

**

 

Signs on Netflix

 

The Web site Decider describes this genre – the crime drama set in a small town — as a sort of “comfort food” for a lot of viewers. You have a grizzled, often hard-drinking cop. He is likely divorced or widowed, and frequently has a teenage daughter. The tone is grim. Murder happens.

Signs (Znaki in the original Polish) is a decent series, but nothing special. It does, however, fit the “comfort food” bill. You get what you paid for.

And you’ve got to love actress Helena Englert’s ass (below).

 

 

This pose … I am imagining the director saying, “Raise your leg a bit, Helena, and show us a bit more butt cheek.”

 

 

**

 

 

 

Am I the only one who thinks this looks like an ad for Grindr?

 

**

 

Dinkle vs. King

 

 

 

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China apparently believes we are a nation of idiots. Just mail a package of seeds to an American, he will mindlessly plant them in his backyard and – presto! – you’re not growing carrots; you’re growing biological destruction.

That’s much more efficient for China than, say, exporting something like the Wuhan Flu, which tends to infect your own citizens.

 

Speaking of China … I’m sorry, but Mark Cuban and his fellow NBA owners need to make a choice: Either they are patriotic Americans, or they are in bed with China. Can’t be both.

I’d say more on this topic, but it’s Saturday and right now I have to go plant some seeds.

 

**

 

 

Jim Jordan – where to begin with this guy? At times, he seems quite impressive. Like when he went after Saint Fauci, who seems hellbent on currying favor with Hollywood, sports fans, and liberals in general. I also thought Jordan was spot-on during the Trump impeachment.

But Jordan was exposed as a sputtering hypocrite on Tucker Carlson’s show a few days ago, in which he repeatedly dodged questions about Big Tech’s influence over the upcoming election.

Jordan is big on expressing outrage. Problem is, that’s our job, not his. Jordan wasn’t elected to whine and complain about Big Tech; he was elected to actually do something.

Has he, too, been bought off?

 

**

 

 

**

 

Ben Jealous

 

Favorite Name of the Week: Ben Jealous

 

I wonder how often this guy has pissed people off when, during introductions, he extends his hand and says “Ben Jealous?”

 

**

 

Dinkle vs. King

 

 

**

 

 

Literally.

 

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During our lovely pandemic and quarantine, we’ve noticed that many YouTube luminaries have been stuck — creatively and literally. How to create new content when you can’t leave your apartment?

And so a lot of them chose to lower themselves into the cesspool of weird humanity known as Omegle, in which random strangers from around the globe connect to … well, God only knows.

If you are a newbie to Omegle, one of the first things you will notice is that this is a site where all the dicks hang out — literally but rarely creatively. The girls who visit Omegle almost always are treated to (or ambushed by) well-endowed males proudly displaying their sizable sex organs.

But how would they react to Rip van Dinkle and his (according to the New York Post) “shrimpy spigot”? They would, it turns out, react with amusement or, occasionally, indignation. 

 

Rip’s report:

 

“There are a lot of bored girls on Omegle. The ones I encountered fell into two general categories: the lonely, single gals who were generally sitting in their beds, propped up with pillows and cloaked in semi-darkness; and the groups of two or more, generally on Omegle not seeking a soul-mate but rather looking for a laugh. I guess an old dude with a shrimpy spigot is just what the doctor ordered for many of these chicks. 

“I believe these girls are supposed to be at least 18, but it’s impossible to card someone on a computer screen. If any of them looked clearly younger than 18, I vamoosed.”

 

(Click on any picture for a larger view.)

 

 

“Hey, do you have money?” the girl on the right asked me while her friend snapped pictures. “I’ll show you my tits for money,” she offered. I didn’t give her any money, but then again, they didn’t give me any money for the photos of my prick.

 

Sadly, I did not get to see her tits. Nor her friend’s tits. I am sure, however, that they have lovely tits.

 

When I began to drop drawers, girl on the right cried out, “No — not yet, not yet!” Maybe she expected foreplay first?

 

*

 

A lonely girl in her bed engaging in some serious penis gazing.

 

*

 

There were a lot of these hand-to-mouth reactions (girl in the middle, above). Girl on the right took trophy pics. When they got the money shot, one of them cried, “His penis!”

 

*

 

Three girls who said they were from Romania. Girls who, without any prompting from me, decided that I should see their boobs. OK by me.

 

Not sure if the thumbs-up was for me or the girl on the left. Probably the latter.

 

When I requested some ass, they declined. “I want to see yours!” one of them said.

 

Is she making the small-penis sign? Surely not.

 

 

I didn’t think the girl in the middle would show her tits, because she was the most attractive, and the most attractive girl usually knows she doesn’t have to do much to get attention. I was wrong.

 

*

 

Occasionally it was difficult to capture a screen shot with myself and the lovely lass in the same frame, and so, in the picture above and elsewhere in this post, you might notice a generic nudie of Yours Truly that was inserted, just to represent what the girl found so damn funny.

 

*

 

To her off-camera girlfriend: “He has a tiny one.” To me: “Oh, my.”

 

*

 

This one was intent on capturing trophy pics. She got what she wanted.

 

*

 

Of course, there are always some “mean girls.” Her: “Is that your penis? It’s an old man’s penis! I’m gonna throw up.”

 

*

 

Super-cute girl above reminded me of Sarah Palin’s daughter, what’s-her-name. She had a look at my dick and said, “Ooooh!”

 

*

 

These two looked like sisters. Apparently, they were having trouble seeing my mini-member: “Oh, look at that!” “He had his legs crossed!”

 

*

 

And then there were the girls who, without any prompting on my part, decided I should see them with their clothes off. Like this cutie.

 

I guess she decided fair was fair. If she was going to ogle an old dude’s penis, then he …

 

 

I can only assume that the sight of my manhood made her horny. 

 

 

*

 

Two girls here, one of them off-camera. The visible girl was engaged in the serious business of taking pictures.

 

 

*

 

“Wait!” cried the girl above. She first wanted to know if I was circumcised. She got to see for herself.

 

*

 

Reaction: “Oh!”

 

*

 

I guess this chick was more interested in feet than meat. When she saw my Vienna sausage, she quickly clicked away.

 

*

 

This guy said that he and his girlfriend would do “anything” for money (my money). Said the girl to me: “Do you have pants on right now?” As you can see from her reaction above, the answer was “no.”

 

*

 

Maybe it was the wine talking, but this girl and her friend really wanted to see Rip’s dinkle. At  one point she stood up and modeled her (clothed) body for me, I guess as a sort of inspiration?

 

The wine drinker was very persistent. “How old are you?” she asked twice. “Why?” said I. “Because it turns me on,” she said. Yeah, must have been the wine.

 

*

 

“Are you naked?” said one. “Oh, yeah, he’s naked,” said the other. 

 

*

 

 

“Awww … that’s a little one,” said the girl at left. The girl on the right was too busy staring to comment.

 

*

 

This girl was into small-penis humiliation. I’ll let her comments speak for themselves.

 

 

*

 

Not sure if those comments came before or after they saw me with my pants pulled down.

 

*

 

Girl on the right said she had nude pics and typed in @calikai. I didn’t check it out. But they certainly checked me out.

 

*

 

 

“Tatum, this is legendary!” said the girl with the braces, then slowly leaned in to take pictures. Tatum leaned over to have a look.

 

*

 

Girl on the left was another one who wanted money. Instead, she got my noodle. “Oh, I see your penis.”

 

*

 

Girl on the right: “It is pretty small. Are you proud of that?”

 

 

*

 

“Addy come here!” cried the girl above to someone, presumably her sister. “That is a crusty penis,” proclaimed Addy.

 

*

 

Girl on the left stood up to display her body, leaning forward and sticking her rear end out. Girl on the right, however, was dismayed. “Santa Claus, why?” she said.

 

*

 

This girl was a tease. Seemed like she might show her big boobs, but this was as far as she went.

 

 

*

 

These four girls (one is off camera) were not impressed with my package. “It’s tiny as hell,” said one. “That’s what an old man’s pee-pee looks like,” said another one.

 

 

*

 

The girl in front kept speaking to me in Spanish, even though she also spoke perfect English. The girl in back just smiled and enjoyed the show.

 

*

 

“You got a tiny one? I wanna see. Let’s see it.” Your wish was my command.

 

*

 

“You got a little one? Can I see?” Of course.

 

*

 

“Grandpa got a shrimp,” said one of them. I think it was Gloria Steinem on the right.

 

*

 

Sleepy Head: “How old are you? What are you doing?”

 

 

*

 

In a common refrain on Omegle, one of the above girls said she would show me her tits — for money.

 

You would think this was the first penis she’s ever seen.

 

They enjoyed the show and said they wanted to see ass. I obliged and was rewarded with squeals of approval. Girl on the right: “Do you have a wife? What if your wife walks in?”

 

*

 

“He’s so tiny,” said one of the two girls above. “Do a dance,” commanded the other one.

 

Picture-taking time.

 

*

 

Girl on the left asked for money. Girl on the right was very quiet.

 

Girl on the left: “That’s very tiny.”

 

 

*

 

Another girl alone in bed.

 

“Ewww — that’s so ugly. It’s so tiny.” To emphasize her point, she made the small-penis sign.

 

**

 

Sometimes the girls would turn the tables on me. Hey, if they wanted to show me their goods, I wasn’t about to complain.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

This girl was in the shower. She was also very aggressive. Sadly, I was not able to see much of her face — or anything else.

 

 

 

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I tried to watch a baseball game and wound up feeling like Michael Douglas in 1993’s Falling Down, in which his working-stiff character no longer recognizes his own country. In my case, I no longer recognized America’s pastime.

Not only were the “fans” in the stands ridiculous-looking cardboard cutouts, but for some reason the announcers were speaking Spanish. All of that on top of Major League Baseball’s decision to get all political and … well, maybe it’s time I moved to a tiny cabin in the mountains of Wyoming. Michael Douglas could relate.

 

***

 

I watched a video last night that posed a familiar question: “Why do most Hollywood movies suck?” The answer was also familiar: Hollywood is first and foremost a business, and so the stories we get are all market-tested to ensure studios get the most bang for their (big) bucks.

Intelligent, dialogue- and character-driven narratives don’t translate well overseas, and so we have a glut of special-effects-heavy comic-book movies that play well in China. Quality stories have been exiled to the land of cheap indies and to streaming TV.

OK, but I have another question: Why are so many of the “good” shows such downers? In the past, Hollywood routinely cranked out product that was smart and – gasp! – uplifting. Not so much anymore. Today, even the comedies are cynical and snark-filled, even mean-spirited.

 

***

 

I’ve been watching The Twelve on Netflix. It’s a drama from Belgium about a jury charged with determining the guilt or innocence of a woman accused of two murders. It’s not bad, but it’s a bit bloated; I began to grow impatient with all of the subplots by about episode 7. Just resolve the mystery already, I’m thinking.

But I hope we can all agree that actress Charlotte De Bruyne looks mighty fine — front and back (below).

 

 

 

***

 

 

Speaking of ass, it had been awhile since Fox News entertained us with a sex scandal. But last week we learned that Ed Henry, of all people, got canned for sexual shenanigans with a co-worker named Jennifer Eckhart (above). Apparently, Eckhart wound up handcuffed to a bed while naughty Ed did all sorts of things to her. She claims this bedroom play was non-consensual.

Until this scandal, Ed was pitched to the public as the ultimate nice guy, a dutiful sibling who selflessly gave part of his liver to his sister, who was in need of a transplant.

What a swell guy — or so I thought. Then I learned that Ed also ran into trouble in 2016 when he got involved with a Las Vegas stripper.

Sounds like Ed might have given away the wrong organ.

 

***

 

 

I need to do a better job of monitoring the porn-star world. Someone named Mia Khalifa was in the news this week, but I had never heard of her. Apparently, she is upset that her porn background is hurting her goal of transitioning to mainstream acting work, while men face no such stigma.

Mia is also warning young women to stay away from the porn industry, which she says is toxic. Below, Lebanese-American Mia in one of her porn shoots.

She looks like she’s having a miserable time, doesn’t she?

 

 

***

 

 

 

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Five years ago, I was a news junkie whose typical daily diet looked something like this:

 

 

I am still a news junkie, but today my daily diet looks more like this:

 

 

So, what happened to me? As the great political pundit Roseanne Barr famously explained to Jimmy Kimmel: “I’m still the same; you all moved.” Gradually, inexorably, my preferred news sources went off the far-left deep end.

 

I don’t know if Trump Derangement Syndrome was the cause of this leftward lurch, or if it was simply inevitable, but I can no longer stomach former favorites like Rachel Maddow and the HuffPost.

 

Tucker Carlson, Tim Pool, and conservative Web sites have their biases, of course, and I don’t always agree with them. And it’s hard to overlook the clown-like excesses of the New York Post (see above).

 

But they are not insane (see below).

 

 

 

**

 

We hear a lot about the culture war between big cities (predominately liberal) and rural America (Trump country). But I suspect the real battle will be between big cities and the suburbs.

It’s one thing when Antifa occupies downtown Seattle, but what happens when they try to torch a suburban Applebee’s?

 

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Cancel culture is clearly Anthony Fremont (above) wishing people into the cornfield in that old episode of The Twilight Zone.

The far left reminds me of nothing so much as spoiled children terrorizing the adults. Do as we say or you will be destroyed.

 

 

**

 

It’s the Fourth of July and all hell might break loose tonight and I’m tired of all the squabbling and fighting and I refuse to do it today so I’m just not going to say anything other than my brief observation above about the “woke” crowd and cancel culture and all of that crap so instead I’m just going to spend the day watching old Columbo episodes.

Besides, this computer is dying and it’s an effing pain in the ass to work on this site.

 

**

 

 

Yes, I realize that King and Rowling both come from humble beginnings. But the problem with both of them, in my humble opinion, is that they’ve spent most of their adult lives in little rooms staring at computer screens.

Or, in King’s case, a typewriter.

 

**

 

 

I dunno. Kind of looks to me like the chick is trying to escape.

 

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by Tucker Carlson

 

There’s a good reason that the left keeps targeting Fox News’s Tucker Carlson with advertiser boycotts. Unlike the Fox anchors who follow his nightly show, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham, Carlson is neither a lightweight Trump sycophant (Hannity), nor a smug, intellectually lazy yuck (Ingraham). Carlson is sharp, witty – and often right. In short, to the left he’s a formidable threat.

If you watch Carlson’s show (raising my hand), most of what he covers in 2019’s Ship of Fools is old news. His targets are familiar: Obama, environmentalists, illegal immigration, open borders, and … well, most issues that progressives hold near and dear.  But unlike so many of the talking heads out there, Carlson is passionate and persuasive.

 

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