I’ve decided that there is every likelihood that by the end of 2020, the United States will indeed have a border wall stretching from sea to shining sea.

I now believe this will happen because no one in Washington – including Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell — seems to actually want a wall. And if you take into account the general lack of competence in our politicians, it’s only logical that we’ll wind up with something that none of them really wants.

 

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I finally saw Happy Death Day on my television set.  The 2017 horror-comedy was a hit and has a sequel now in theaters. As a horror movie, it’s pretty generic. As a romantic comedy, it’s just so-so. But there’s no denying the star-power of Jessica Rothe, pictured above, who’s a comic delight.

 

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Jerk-Off Fantasy of the Week:

 

(Click on photo for, uh, closer examination of 29-year-old Lorrae)

 

Get your boners on, boys; that’s an inviting, pumpable ass. It comes courtesy of Slutty Girl Problems founder and publisher Lorrae Bradbury, and it confirms my theory that, much like the powerful male CEO who privately likes to be whipped by a dominatrix, women who gain power have a secret desire to let men bend them over a table, pecker-poke them in the rear, and plant their seed.

That’s just a hunch. But why else would you advertise like this?

 

Bradbury also has boobs

 

**

 

 

“Jussie Smollett has now reportedly hired a high-priced defense lawyer.” – Jonathan Hunt on Fox News

Question: Do celebrities ever hire a low-priced defense lawyer?

 

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by Bryan Gruley

 

A 15-year-old autistic boy goes missing and his parents receive cryptic texts and e-mails, including an apparent ransom demand.

Bleak Harbor was just … average; not terrible, but certainly nothing special. There is a lot of texting and hacking and computer sleuthing, which I suppose modernizes the plot, but this is a story we’ve read many times before. There is, of course, a “big twist” near the end. Alas, the unexpected turn isn’t particularly credible.

 

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T & A in the News

 

I’m sure there’s nothing intentionally smarmy about this voice-over for Tomi Lahren’s new show on Fox:

 

“Tomi heads to the border for an up-close and personal look at

“It’s a revealing five-part series.”

 

 

That’s an up-close and personal look, alright. Also, is it really that cold on the border?

 

 

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Fox never seems to run out of new T&A talent. Someone named Abby is hosting stuff on their streaming service. Abby is apparently qualified to do journalism because she played volleyball and her dad is a famous basketball coach.

 

 

We tried to find pictures of Abby’s butt, which must exist because she played volleyball, but we got tired of searching.

So instead, please enjoy these pictures of Fox’s Anna Kooiman from her Web site:

 

© Lyndon Marceau / marceauphotography

© Lyndon Marceau / marceauphotography

 

 

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Celebrity Big Brother contestant Natalie Eva Marie (above) got the boot on last night’s episode. She has often mentioned her real brothers on the CBS show.

I hope for the boys’ sake that they aren’t hormonal teenagers, because this image of their sister could mess them up for life:

 

grouchyeditor.com Eva Marie

 

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What with our minus-30-degree cold spells, we have a bad enough reputation here in Minnesota without the likes of this guy making the news:

 

 

**

 

The news just gets more and more depressing:

 

 

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The Monster

grouchyeditor.com Monster

 

It’s a simple title and a simple story, but sometimes that’s all you need. The Monster, in which a troubled mother and her 10-year-old daughter are terrorized by a creature in the woods, owes a debt to similar filmssubstitute the creature in Alien for the rabid dog in Cujo, and you have the gist of it — but what’s a pleasant surprise is the relationship between mom and her kid. Believe it or not, they seem both real and intelligent. In a horror movie. Go figure. Release: 2016 Grade: B

 

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From the Department of “God I Am Getting Old”

 

This post appeared on my Twitter feed:

 

 

I had no idea of what an “incel” is, so I had to look it up. Then, I had no idea what a “dogpill” is, so I had to look that up.

Sadly, now I know.

 

It’s all further evidence that Western civilization is about to collapse. I first became aware of this when I learned that Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly made a movie in which some dude cums on her face.

 

Jennifer Connelly making a splash

 

Additional evidence came when my buddy at YouTube’s Horrible Reviews devoted an entire segment to a filmmaker who makes poop movies.

I oppose censorship, but it would be nice if more of us would vote with our remotes or delete buttons, so we could start seeing a bit less of this (literal) shit.

 

**

 

 

“You’re just there to report on the corn-hole competition.” – Leland Vittert to cute co-anchor Kristin Fisher (above) on Fox News. Here’s the video:

 

 

Corn hole … corn hole?

 

 

Where had I heard that word? Oh, yeah. This movie:

 

 

 

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OK, the bonehead governor of Virginia should probably go. But here’s a question for Democrats:

You do realize, don’t you, that if you continue to hammer every public figure for every crime and misdemeanor committed in high school, college, or kindergarten, the only people left to vote for will be spotless gems like Mitt Romney and Mike Pence?

 

**

 

 

 

**

 

Actress Andree Maranda gets corn holed by some black dude in The Toxic Avenger

 

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From the Department of Life Isn’t Fair

 

Bradley Cooper gets to go home and tap this fanny every night:

 

 

I get to go home and tap myself while looking at pictures of this fanny.

Life isn’t fair.*

 

*

 

Art of the Deal

 

How’s this for a win-win deal?

Louis C.K. agrees to shut up and go away for five years, which should please the left, but only if Kathy Griffin agrees to shut up and go away for five years, which should please the right.

 

*

 

Cave Man?

 

After apparently caving on the partial government shutdown, Donald Trump seems to be having a bad week. Some in the media are saying this is the beginning of his end.

Well, we’ve heard that song before, many times. My guess is that now it’s Trump’s turn. He will come up with something to cheer his base and infuriate his foes, because that’s what Trump does.

 

*

 

Mueller’s Problem …

 

… is that Washington is full of scoundrels – on both sides. As long as he continues to go solely after Trump allies and lets the other side skate, our long national nightmare will persist.

Lock them all up.

 

*

 

I watch cable news and become more and more convinced that we’re on the verge of a civil war.

Then I go to work, or to Target, or to the grocery store, and I look at people and I think, “Nah. These folks don’t seem in the mood for a civil war.”

 

**

 

For some reason, Jets fans are concerned about the physical appearance of their new head coach:

 

 

* Unless of course the rumors are true and one of them is gay and the relationship is a sham in which case, never mind.

 

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Infrastructure!

 

 

The eternal question: “Is there anything that Republicans and Democrats can agree about?”

The eternal answer: “Oh, sure. Infrastructure.”

 

It’s easy to see why this is the case. Infrastructure is sexy (see photo above). Infrastructure is just the kind of thing that feuding Americans can rally around, because it stirs strong feelings of patriotism, of what it truly means to be an American.

 

I propose that we establish National Infrastructure Day.

So let’s have a toast to infrastructure!

 

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TV Updates

 

Perfume on Netflix –

It’s creepy and strange but very well-made and absorbing. Most of all, it feels … “foreign.”

That’s what worries me about all of these countries partnering with Netflix to produce content for the streaming service. I’m afraid that in order to reach a broader audience, they will feel pressure to “go Hollywood.”  I want them to remain strange and “foreign.”

Below, Natalia Belitski and friend doing creepy and strange in Germany’s Perfume.

 

 

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Annihilation on the Epix free preview –

For about two-thirds of its run-time, Annihilation feels like director/writer Alex Garland has watched The Thing and/or Invasion of the Body Snatchers too many times. It’s very familiar stuff, just with chicks instead of dudes.

But Garland redeems himself in the final 20 minutes or so, in which he pours on some movie-making razzle-dazzle (including a killer soundtrack) and dishes up something to provoke the thoughts. It’s not 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it’s good enough to raise my grade from a B to a solid B+.

 

**

 

Here’s a question for Gillette, which made waves last week with a commercial attacking “toxic masculinity”: Have you ever seen a gathering of tipsy females at a bachelorette party?

 

 

 

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I’m thinking it might be time to hand the world back to high-school jocks. This “revenge of the nerds” thing isn’t working out so well.

 

Exhibit A:  I am watching Surviving R. Kelly on Lifetime, and it seems that the quiet, nerdish kid (above right) who grew up to become a powerful music mogul (above left) is … not well.

 

Exhibit B:  Geeky Mark Zuckerberg, who grew up to become an evil genius.

 

Sadly, the nerds don’t handle power well once they get it.

At least the jerk jocks have early experience with power and jerkdom, so they’re better at it once they reach adulthood. Plus, they have always been jerk jocks, so the rest of us have learned how to keep them in line.

 

**

 

 

Tulsi Gabbard:  Good-looking babe, but not enough personality.

 

 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:  Good-looking babe, but too much personality.

 

**

 

 

That fake photo of “Ocasio-Cortez” in the bathtub – if you zoom in on the faucet, you can clearly see that the person in the tub is George Bush.

 

 

 

**

 

The Disaster Artist is a decent movie, but if you haven’t seen the “disaster” that inspired it, director Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, be sure to watch that one first.

 

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Editor’s Note:  Evidently our leaders are setting new norms and standards for the country’s political discourse.

Far be it from us to ignore the signals from our betters in Washington, D.C.  In that spirit, please enjoy our new style guidelines for The Weekly Review:

 

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I don’t understand how Sean Hannity is considered the top dog at Fox News. Hannity often strikes me as an oblivious knee-bender.

To me, the top asshole at Fox is Tucker Carlson, despite the doltish deer-in-the-headlights facial expression he adopts while listening to his guests. Unlike Hannity, Carlson is smart enough to know which hot-buttons to push.

There’s a good reason that those motherfucking liberal activists showed up at Carlson’s house in the middle of the night, and then tried so hard to get bullshitting advertisers to abandon his show. They recognize that jerk-off Carlson, unlike shithead Hannity, is an intellectual threat.

 

Above, Fox host Tucker Carlson dancing with some bitch

 

**

 

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like if I was a Muslim congresswoman in a country with millions of citizens who are on the fence whether or not to feel well-disposed toward my religion, I might not consider it a great idea to insult the president of the United States by calling him a “motherfucker.”

 

**

 

On the bright side for Democrats, this fuckwad congresswoman from Michigan makes previous lightning rod Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seem like motherfucking Miss Manners.

 

Above, cunt-licker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing with some jackass

 

**

 

Tiresome metaphor I keep hearing: “If you’re a hammer, everything’s a nail.”

I beg to differ. In my limited experience with carpentry, when given the choice, hammers invariably prefer my thumb to cocksucking nails.

 

**

 

That’s our lame-ass Review for this week. We hope you enjoyed our new format, and we hope to see you pathetic blowjobbers again next week.

 

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Game Night

 

These days, Hollywood has a difficult time making what used to be called the “screwball comedy.” In the past, screwball characters were lovably goofy as they bumbled and stumbled through silly plots. Think Bringing Up Baby. Today, the main characters in this kind of farce aren’t merely goofy; they tend to be borderline psychotic.

Still, the nut jobs in Game Night — a group of clueless suburbanites obsessed with party games — are fairly amusing, and their dialogue is often witty. And if there’s a better character actor out there than Jesse Plemons (Breaking Bad, Fargo, Black Mirror), I’d like to know who it is. Release: 2018 Grade: B

 

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Murder on the Orient Express

 

I like actor Kenneth Branagh, but he isn’t my favorite “Hercule Poirot.” That would be David Suchet. And I enjoyed director Branagh’s Murder on the Orient Express, but it isn’t my favorite interpretation of Agatha Christie’s famous mystery. That would be Suchet’s television version or, possibly, the 1974 movie with Albert Finney. 

Outside of some spectacular (often computer-generated) scenery, the latest film doesn’t offer much new, but so what? Some stories are like comfort food; no matter how many times you’ve had it, and as long as they don’t change the ingredients, eventually you come back for more.  Release: 2017 Grade: B

 

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