Can it be? After what feels like 25 years of nonstop zombie shows from Hollywood, it seems the walking dead are finally being usurped.

 

That’s the good news. The bad news is that now we can expect 25 years of nonstop killer clowns.

 

 

 

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TV Updates

 

Fall season disappointments:

The Sinner was disappointing. Top of the Lake: China Girl was disappointing. American Horror Story: Cult is disappointing (so far).

And The Deuce, after just one episode, is awfully dour, cynical and humorless.

 

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I’m sorry, but listening to Beth Mowins and Rex Ryan (above) call a Monday Night Football game was like listening to Alvin and the Chipmunk.

For the first 15 minutes of the game I thought it must be Take Your Son to Work Day, and I was hearing some announcer’s 12-year-old boy do his first voice work.

Oh … that would be a reference to both of them.

 

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We keep seeing commercials for a “Noah’s Ark” tourist attraction in Kentucky, pictured above.

 

Now might be a good time for Floridians, who know a thing or two about tourist attractions (and floods), to check it out.

 

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Hollywood’s Revenge

 

It takes a while to write and produce a TV series, but it’s now been ten months since the election, and so ….

American Horror Story: Cult is probably just the beginning of an onslaught of anti-Trump shows headed our way.

 

Sarah Paulson exults over Trump’s election triumph in American Horror Story … just kidding.

 

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Kate Middleton scored a legal victory against a French magazine that published her nude photos.

That’s our excuse for posting, one more time, these photos of the Royal Fanny.

 

.                              grouchyeditor.com Middleton       grouchyeditor.com Middleton

 

**

 

 

Bummer. Because everyone goes to James Bond movies for the plot.

 

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We don’t know if these daring dads and their darling daughters are A) artistically uninhibited; B) sexually perverted; or C) some combination of the above, but we do know that it’s not every day that papa films his progeny in the buff — and then shares the lust-provoking results with the world.

 

Katrine Boorman & director John Boorman

 

 

“A lot of people ask me, well, ‘How did you feel about directing your daughter being raped?’ Well, she wasn’t being raped of course. It was just a scene. She didn’t mind, and nor did I.” – John Boorman on Excalibur’s director’s commentary

 

 

“I’ve always said that once you’ve been raped by Gabriel Byrne and Corin Redgrave in armor, watched by your father, you’ll never look back.” – Katrine Boorman in The Independent

 

 

“So I was doing the scene with John Boorman’s daughter Katrine, who was playing my wife, and I was supposed to make love to her in quite a violent fashion. Anyway, I made love to Katrine in the wide shot, doing my grunting and groaning and all those medieval sexual shenanigans. Then they came in for the close shot.”– Gabriel Byrne. 

Byrne’s turn humping Katrine was apparently left on the cutting-room floor; in the shots reproduced here, that’s Redgrave having his way with Boorman’s daughter.

 

 

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Katrine didn’t just bare her breasts for daddy when she was 23; she went topless again at age 39 in 1997’s Le Bonheur est un mensonge (above left). In 2012, Katrine got behind the camera to make a documentary about her famous family called Me and Me Dad. Below, the infamous pumping scene from Excalibur:

 

Asia Argento & director Dario Argento

 

 

“Argento began performing for her father when she was a teenager, appearing in the nude as a 16-year-old in Trauma. She was also a rape victim in another of his films, The Stendhal Syndrome. Not surprisingly, these roles and their father-daughter relationship scandalized Italy. Argento has said that they are viewed in her native country like a real-life Addams Family – ghoulish and weird.” – New York Daily News

Now 41, Asia apparently still has a thing for older men. It was recently reported that she’s dating TV personality Anthony Bourdain, 61.

 

 “How’s this, dad?” Sixteeen-year-old Asia in Trauma.

 

“I never acted out of ambition; I acted to gain my father’s attention. It took a long time for him to notice me – I started when I was nine, and he only cast me when I was 16. And he only became my father when he was my director.” – Asia Argento in Filmmaker Magazine

 

Above and below, Asia in Dracula 3D

 

 

 

 In Dario’s The Phantom of the Opera, above and below, Asia gets taken doggie-style.

 

 

Alexis Vogel & photographer Ron Vogel

 

 

From Playboy’s February 1979 pictorial “Father Knows Best”:

“Photographer Ron Vogel has been snapping pictures of his daughter ever since she was a baby. At 21, she’s still his favorite model.”

 

 

“Over the years, Ron took ‘hundreds of pictures of Lexi in various states of undress. She has youth and vitality greater than most of the models I’ve worked with and her coloring is extraordinary; she has earthy tones and dark penetrating eyes.’”

Click on the thumbnail shots below for full-sized views of Ron’s full-frontal shots of Alexis.

 

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“Lexi: ‘I was a ham. I’d try to get my dad’s attention away from the models … I never had any problems posing that way for my father.’”

 

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“‘Posing nude for me throughout the years has made Lexi very free about herself,’ says Ron.”

 

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Split

grouchyeditor.com Split

 

Yes, James McAvoy is impressive playing a psycho with multiple personalities in M. Night Shyamalan’s latest “comeback” picture, the thriller Split. Problem is, McAvoy’s disturbing characters often seem like the only reason to keep watching the movie. The plot, in which McAvoy’s crazy man abducts three teenage girls and confines them in a basement, takes a decent premise and goes from clichéd to ridiculous to boring. Sorry, but this is hardly a return to form for Shyamalan.  Release: 2017 Grade: C

 

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The Edge of Seventeen

grouchyeditor.com Edge

 

After enduring the first 20 minutes of this coming-of-age comedy-drama, I wasn’t sure if I could continue watching. Writer-director Kelly Fremon Craig’s script employed done-to-death voiceover narration, a la The Wonder Years, and worse, the protagonist was an incredibly bratty and vulgar teen. Eww. But then a funny thing happened on the way to study hall: The more our heroine was assailed by life’s slings and arrows, the more I grew to like her. By the end, I was cheering for her. Unlike so many teen-oriented movies, this one is smart, poignant, and boasts a winning performance from star Hailee Steinfeld. Release: 2016 Grade: B+

 

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Nice of Kevin Hart to donate $25,000 to Houston flood victims. Let’s do the math.

According to one source, Hart was worth $128 million in 2016.

$25,000 is .02 percent of $128,000,000.

If you earned $50,000 per year and gave .02 percent of your income, that’s ten bucks.

So Mr. Munificent donated the equivalent of … ten bucks.

 

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George Romero died in July, and now Tobe Hooper has passed. I saw Romero’s Night of the Living Dead in a theater a few years after it premiered, and I saw Hooper’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre not long after that.

Which was better? I liked Night of the Living Dead, but Chain Saw scared the piss out of me.

 

 Scary

 

Scarier

 

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So let me get this straight: The creepy My Pillow guy shows up in a couple’s bedroom, uninvited and unexpected, and, instead of calling the police, the couple is happy to see him?

Kinky.

 

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Long-Simmering Complaint:

 

 

And the “t” in “often” should be silent — like this. 

 

This week on Outnumbered, Kennedy was hell-bent on displaying her ignorance:

 

 

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It’s been a while since we checked in with small-penis-pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle. We asked him to dig into his scrapbook to find some post-pageant mementos that he might share with us.

“It’s amazing,” Rip tells us, “how many gorgeous women who normally won’t give you the time of day, when they find out you’ll admit you have a tiny penis and that they can have a laugh at it — and a laugh at you — suddenly they are very interested in you.”

Unlike pot-bellied, mini-membered Rip, a lot of the women having a laugh at his expense are physical knockouts. They had a good look at Rip; let’s have a good look at them.

 

The Lawyer

 

 

 “You are obviously out and proud about your small penis”

 

Lawyer and penis connoisseur Madeleine Holden was not overly impressed with Rip’s manhood. “So your dick is small and you’re proud. Great,” Madeline wrote, with more than a touch of sarcasm. Here’s more from her Web site (Critique My Dick Pic), in which she rates dick pics from around the globe:

 

 

Luckily for her fans, Madeleine also posts selfies of herself:

 

 

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The South American Journalist

 

 

 “My editor preferred to hide the penis”

 

Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro attended the 2015 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant and interviewed Rip for South American publications. Anna also played photojournalist, below, capturing Rip and the other contestants for her stories.

 

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Some months after Anna interviewed Rip backstage in Brooklyn, Rip returned the favor and interviewed Anna:

 

Rip asked if it was challenging for her to interview a man (him) while his tiny penis was in full view.

Anna:  I try to ignore all the awkward things around me while interviewing. But yes, it was a little bit awkward.

Rip asked if having a small sex organ is a source of embarrassment for South American men.

Anna:  Yes definitely, it´s something men always feel embarrassed and sad about.

Rip asked why, in the pictures Anna took of him and then posted online, his genitals were obscured by a black bar (below right).

 

 

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.                                                         Before                                      After 

 

Anna: Well, I think on that time my editor preferred to hide the penis areas because [it] is a very popular media and they consider more respectful with the readers like that.

 

Rip tells us that, if she’s interested, he would very much enjoy tutoring Anna in English as a second language.

 

 

**

 

The Model from North Dakota

 

 

“I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it”

 

Model Jaye Millspaugh interviewed Rip for a short article. Excerpts from the interview:

 

“Rip van Dinkle traveled from his home to be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age.”

 

Jaye:  Holy fuck, dude you are tiny!

Jaye:  I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.

Jaye:  Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off!

Jaye:  What makes you think you can pleasure me?

 

Jaye set aside her hostility long enough to pose with Rip for a short video in which the long-legged lass measured his junk. 

 

 

Despite her insults, Rip is forgiving and describes Jaye as a “hot piece of ass.” Here’s a short video of Jaye displaying her goods in the California sunshine:

 

 

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The Sketch Artist

 

 

“Do you want the teeny weeny showing?”

 

MiYon Kosloske-Richardson (above) is a sometime artist who jumped at the opportunity to immortalize Rips’ pageant shame. MiYon didn’t actually attend the event, but she found inspiration from pageant photos, including this full-frontal shot of Rip:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click on the sketches below to see larger views of MiYon’s final work:

 

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**

 

Funny Girl

 

 

“Show us your dick!”

 

Podcaster/comedian Zoe Nightingale was anxious to attend the 2015 pageant. Per her Instagram page (below), Zoe found out about the teeny-weenie show by reading Time Out New York:

 

 

Judging from her podcast commentary (click below), Zoe didn’t get the anti-body-shaming memo:


 

If the contestants had looked at these pictures Zoe posted of herself on social media, there might not have been any tiny dicks for her to laugh at:

 

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**

 

The Beauty from Trinidad

 

 

“Special thanks to Rip van Dinkle”

 

Broadcaster and sometime model Kimi McCarthy, above, interviewed Rip for her radio show in Trinidad:

 

Kimi: “When are you coming to Trinidad?”

Rip: “I wish I was there right now. I hear Trinidad is really beautiful. I know Kimi is really beautiful.”

Kimi: “You’re so sweet.”

Rip: “You need to organize a small-penis pageant in Trinidad … Kimi can be one of the judges.”

Kimi: “I don’t mind. It’s for a good cause.”

 

 

Kimi plugged the interview on social media:

 

 

 

After that, Rip discovered these videos and wanted to plug Kimi:

 

 

Have a look at Kimi — top and bottom — in the videos below:

 

 

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The average male’s greatest fear confirmed: Feminists do like to humiliate men with small dicks. Meredith Landry, editor of the feminist Web site Role Reboot, asked Rip to write a first-person account about his prick and its exposure at the pageants. That’s Meredith pictured above.

 

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The Village Voice spotlighted Rip in its end-of-year edition. That particular photo has certainly made the rounds.

 

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The small-penis pageant was Time Out New York’s sixth-most-read story of the year. Writer Rebecca Fontana (above) didn’t want her readers to miss out on any of the pictures.

 

 

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Pageant organizer Bobbie Chaset, pictured above in I Dream of Jeannie garb, seemed to feel that pageant contestant “Flo Rida,” above right, has a more impressive dick than poor Rip, above left.

The following exchange is from Bobbie’s interview on a Detroit radio station:

 

Host:  Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?

Bobbie:  “If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.”

Bobbie:  “He’s not as small as the rest of the guys” – comparing Flo Rida to Rip and the other contestants.

 

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Random Cruelty 

 

 

Gorgeous Asha Knish, pictured above, recognized a handsome pecker when she saw it, and just had to paint it for posterity:

 

 

OK, so that was a lie. In reality, Asha had a good belly-laugh when she saw poor Rip, far right in the photo below, posing next to some well-hung dudes.

 

 

 

Comments from Jezebel Readers

 

 

Mean Tweets

 

 

 

Facebook

 

Dr. Naomi Mac enjoyed all the small-penis bashing on Facebook:

 

“Loving the comments here”

 

Anne Marie Benavides was disgusted by the pageant and its participants:

 

 

“Are we really surprised that these gentrifying hipsters are small dick bastards? I would’ve gone with dickless.”

 

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And finally … it takes a special brand of woman to actually slide a ruler up alongside Rip’s dangling noodle.

 

 

Some guys might consider letting a woman measure their cock, take pictures of the humiliation, and then post the results for the entertainment of other women as rather a … shameful situation. Not Rip, who is philosophical: “If a lady is willing to get that up close and personal to my genitals and then play with them, photos are the price I’m willing to pay.”

Who prodded Rip with a ruler? Aimee Arciuolo, Cyndi Freeman, Amy Minnick, and Jaye Millspaugh.

 

 

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.                                                      Aimee                                          Jaye

 

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.                                                        Cyndi                                         Amy

 

 

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by David Niven

grouchyeditor.com Niven

 

“Well, old bean, life is really so bloody awful that I feel it’s my absolute duty to be chirpy and try to make everybody else happy, too.” – David Niven

 

Movie star Niven’s 1971 memoir is certainly “chirpy.” And if you’re a fan of old Hollywood, it’s guaranteed to make you smile. But Balloon also reminded me of – of all books – a more recent “memoir”:  controversial author James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces. I read Frey’s bestseller after it was revealed that much of his allegedly true story was pure fiction. But I liked it anyway.

In Niven’s case, later biographers have debunked many of the anecdotes he relates in The Moon’s a Balloon as either exaggerated, sugar-coated, or outright fabrications. But I liked it anyway.

It’s odd, though. So much of Niven’s life was so inherently interesting – World War II service, Hollywood stardom, glamorous pals – that you have to wonder why he felt the need to embellish.

My guess is that the above quote explains at least part of it. Niven was a born entertainer, and if that meant stretching the truth a bit, so be it. Or maybe he was just practicing what Hollywood preached in its “golden age”:  Life goes down better with a happy ending.

 

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Thank you, Harvey, for being a wonderful play by Mary Chase.

 

 

Thank you, Harvey, for being one of James Stewart’s best movies.

 

 

And thank you, Harvey, for being such a nasty-ass hurricane that you’ve forced the media to give all of us a respite from obsessive Donald Trump coverage.

 

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 An eclipse over Glasgow

 

Damn science nerds. Whenever they try to get the rest of us excited about some rare event – usually a comet or asteroid flying past Earth – The Big Show turns into a disappointment.

 

It’s like the fanatics who keep telling us Trump is just like Hitler. When it turns out that Trump doesn’t have any gas ovens, we get bored and stop listening to them.

 

**

 

 

By all means, let’s pass tax cuts for the rich. That will heal the country.

 

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When Trump canned Steve Bannon, was he selling out to The Swamp? Has Trump always been in league with The Swamp?

The Swamp doesn’t care.

The Swamp lives on, licking its chops and seeking new victims.

 

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If the point of electing Donald Trump was to shake things up in Washington, then I don’t see how anyone can dispute that his presidency has been an unqualified success.

 

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I guess this is why Stephen King was awarded the Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters:

 

 

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The problem with cable news is that it attracts the most detestable partisans imaginable.

If I happen to lean toward support of, let’s call it “Issue A,” there is little doubt that I will then witness some obnoxious, odious, self-satisfied buffoon advocating for “Issue A” on cable news.

I will then no longer be able to stomach the idea of supporting Issue A.

 

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Poor little Guam. It gets no respect or recognition – until now.

Its name sounds like something you might say when your dentist asks you a question while your jaws are pried open.

You never hear of anyone planning a tropical vacation to the beautiful beaches of Guam. (Does Guam have beautiful beaches?)

But the people of Guam seem awfully cool. Journalists interviewed some Guam residents, one of whom had this gem of a comment about why Kim Jong-un should aim his nukes at … Guam:

 

Seems like reasonable logic to us.

 

*****

 

Fox News is rapidly running out of male personalities who aren’t getting the boot for sexual harassment. They might as well just can the rest of the males – save Shepard Smith, of course – and change their name to Foxy Babe News.

 

*****

 

Meanwhile, at Anybody-But-Trump Rolling Stone:

 

 

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