Category: Weekly Reviews

Bits & Pieces

 

Once upon a time, I cast a vote for Bernie Sanders in the Democrat primary.

I must have been crazy.

 

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Once upon a time, I thought Stephen King was a pretty sharp cookie.

I must have been crazy.

 

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I opened my e-mail inbox and some Web site had sent me this picture of Jennifer Lawrence’s bare ass (and boob):

 

 

It might not be the world’s finest ass, but it is Jennifer Lawrence’s ass.

 

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I often suspect that Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham consider President Trump nothing but a useful idiot. Graham seems to want Trump only to keep our troops engaged in endless wars, and McConnell seems to want Trump only to enact tax cuts for the rich and to nominate conservative judges.

But what, exactly, does Trump ever get from them?

 

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I’m glad that I’m not 12 years old anymore. If I was 12 years old today with all of the porn available on the Internet, I would never leave the house.

 

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Once upon a time, when I was a young’un, I cast a vote for John Anderson for president.

Who is John Anderson, you ask?

Exactly.

 

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I’ll say this for Netflix: Like Blockbuster Video in the old days, it is now the nation’s repository of straight-to-video crap. However, unlike Blockbuster, I do not feel compelled to watch more than five minutes of Netflix’s crap, because it doesn’t feel like I’ve wasted my money and time driving to and from the store.

 

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Movie I want to see: Parasite

Movie soon opening that depresses me to think about: Black Christmas

 

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I suspect that a lot of people have kids because they can’t find an adult who will actually love them. Kids, by virtue of being kids, are basically hostages forced to love their parents — or else.

 

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Isn’t it about time we stop building these presidential libraries?

Most of our ex-presidents retire and get rich giving speeches and “consulting.”  Isn’t that enough of a post-presidency perk?

If we must spend taxpayer money on libraries, let’s use it to construct regular libraries in poor neighborhoods, and stop building expensive shrines to these dudes.

 

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Fire or Ice

 

I live in Minnesota and have endured scores of winters here. Last year was especially brutal, with bone-chilling temperatures that went on for weeks. This morning, November 2, I woke up to this depressing sight:

 

 

A few days ago I saw this headline:

 

 

What if the global-warming people have it backwards and Earth is about to turn into a giant ice-cube? I believe there was a Twilight Zone episode about something like that.

 

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Quid Pro Quo, or, “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”

 

Silly me. I assumed this is a tactic that’s commonplace among all politicians, presidents, and other people with power.

Sorry, but Democrats seeking impeachment based on quid pro quo strikes me as a continuation of their three-year temper-tantrum-fueled crusade to oust Trump.

It appears that Dems are trying to boot Trump because, unlike predecessors Clinton, Bush, and Obama, Trump is a social bonehead. (OK, OK – Bush came close.)

Unfortunately for Nancy Pelosi and company, being a social bonehead is hardly a high crime or misdemeanor.

Plus, you are conducting secret impeachment meetings based on testimony from a secret whistleblower and if anyone in the public squawks about this, your reply is “just trust us.”

Uh … sure.

 

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Disgraced California Rep. Katie Hill is blaming her affair(s) with subordinate(s) on the patriarchy and/or misogyny.

My guess is that if her nudes were hot, she’d still be in office. Instead, we had to see this:

 

 

Also … who at the Daily Mail did that black-bar censoring of Katie’s crotch? A third grader?

 

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Gene Hackman, Jack Nicholson, Sean Connery ….

Usually when a long time goes by without our hearing from or about some big movie star, it means it won’t be long before we’re reading an obituary.

Haven’t heard squat from these guys in quite awhile ….

 

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According to The Daily Caller, the guy pictured above is a “Hollywood superstar.” Guess I need to pay more attention to pop culture.

 

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Not a week goes by without some celebrity whom I used to like/admire/respect making a complete ass of himself with respect to politics or Trump. This week, I’m looking at the two old boneheads pictured above.

 

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Poor Rachel Maddow. She has a real propensity for attracting men who – scratch that; Rachel, an open lesbian, doesn’t really attract men. But she does seem to wind up closely connected to the worst kind of creeps.

Not that many years ago, this guy was a favorite guest on Rachel’s show:

 

 

After that, she called this guy her co-worker:

 

 

And now we learn that her bosses are these guys:

 

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But props to Rachel for going after her creepy bosses on her Friday show. It was a belated but gutsy move.

 

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Former federal prosecutor Jon Sale had effusive praise for John Durham, the prosecutor looking into the Trump investigators:  “His 30-year career gives him credibility … he was a man of integrity, who called them as he saw them. So if he doesn’t have credibility, I mean then nobody does.”

“Well-respected,” “a straight shooter” … hmmm, where have I heard that kind of stuff before? Oh yeah, that’s what they said about Mueller and about Barr and about all of these guys right before they got trashed.

 

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Speaking of talking heads, or heads that are talking … I don’t trust any of these retired generals who get placed before TV cameras and asked to comment on foreign entanglements. Their track record is horrendous.

 

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The New York Times, our so-called “paper of record,” got busted for changing a story after the fact without letting anyone know. This happened, of course, in the online version of the Times.

We’ve done that (rarely, but we have done it) here at The Grouchy Editor. My guess is that it’s a fairly common practice. It’s impossible to go in and change Tuesday’s print newspaper or last week’s magazine, but it’s a piece of cake on a Web site.

So not only can you no longer trust your favorite news source, you can’t even trust that what you read yesterday is still there today.

 

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Joe Biden strikes me as: likeable, stupid, and … crooked as hell.

 

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Oh, that’s good to hear. I’m sure Mark Zuckerberg and his minions will do a wonderful job.

 

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There is so much crap going on in politics — again. Too much crap to go into in detail. So let’s just post some random impressions:

 

 

“She’s the favorite of the Russians, they have a bunch of sites and bots and other ways of supporting her so far.” – Hillary about Tulsi

 

Hmmm … could it be that the Russkies like Tulsi because, unlike Hillary, she’s hot?

 

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Hypocrites of the Week:

Kathy Griffin for being outraged by the Trump/Kingsman meme while also believing there was nothing wrong with her Trump-decapitation photo.

Honorable mention to LeBron James, who is very principled … about his money.

 

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Tulsi does have a robotic quality about her, with her stone-faced expressions and sleep-inducing, monotone voice. Was she captured by the Russians and Manchurian candidatized? Candisized? (Sorry, I’m trying to invent a word here.)

But Hillary, it’s still preferable to your evil cackle.

 

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Poor Trump. His chiefs of staff all seem to be either Swamp creatures looking to undermine him, or idiots. Or both.

 

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I have nothing against the Kurds. Twenty-five years ago, I came home from work one night and found several of them sitting on my living-room couch. In Texas. (My then-wife was tutoring Kurdish women, I believe in English skills.) The ladies seemed quite nice.

But this “suddenly abandoning the Kurds” rhetoric is a bit much. The Kurds have known for years that this day might come, and have had plenty of time to ponder life without U.S. troops.

 

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Apparently the creeps at NBC enjoyed looking at pictures of Maria Menounos’s pussy. No reason the creeps reading this post shouldn’t also enjoy looking at the same pictures:

 

 

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Enough about politics. Let’s enjoy my favorite GEICO commercial, which is back just in time for Halloween:

 

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Donald Trump is a bad liar.

Let’s all agree about that, shall we?

But here’s the thing. Ninety-nine percent of our national politicians are liars. However, most high-profile politicians are smooth liars, adept at hedging and dodging and changing the subject.

Trump, a bad liar, gets busted before he can even finish a sentence.

So what’s worse, a smooth-talking con artist who might be able to fool us, at least for awhile, or the blowhard who’s immediately called out?

 

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Pricks of the Week:

 

 

The NBA in general, Steve Kerr (above) in particular.

Sometimes in life, you have to choose. You people made the wrong choice.

 

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How to Do a (Male) Nude Scene

 

 

If you are William H. Macy, you have co-star Maria Bello cup your privates in her hand.

She has a small hand.

 

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The ultimate patriarchy proponent must have been Jesus Christ, who was forever going on about his father.

 

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My cable company, Comcast, informs me that it will now charge extra for TCM, which will be included in some sort of “sports” package.

Comcast must really want me to cut the cord.

 

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I can’t be the only one who likes “Weekend Update’s” Michael Che but can do without Colin Jost and his perpetual smirk.

 

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A big week for TV producer Brooke Nevils, who posted this loving picture of her and her fiancé, Luke, shortly after Matt Lauer shared this juicy tidbit with the world:

“I had an extramarital affair with Brooke Nevils in 2014. It began when she came to my hotel room very late one night in Sochi, Russia. We engaged in a variety of sexual acts. We performed oral sex on each other, we had vaginal sex, and we had anal sex.

“She was a fully enthusiastic and willing partner. She seemed to know exactly what she wanted to do.”

Poor Brooke. She will now be expected to regularly perform anal sex with lucky Luke, probably.

 

 

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“I don’t mind paying more taxes … but I’m more interested in how they’re going to spend it. What are they going to do with it?” — Mark Cuban, above, on Fox News

 

Translation: The government wastes too much tax money. We shouldn’t expect the rich to bear this burden, so let’s not raise their taxes until we solve this problem of waste. In the meantime, guess who will continue to get screwed?

Here’s a thought. Let’s tax the rich and let them feel the pain, rather than the Middle Class. Perhaps once they feel the pain, they’ll be motivated to fix all that waste.

 

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Do you want to be on the “wrong side of history”?

Well … why not? I mean, what does the question really mean?

Let’s say you were a cobbler in Nazi Germany, or a British loyalist in 1770 New Hampshire, or a farmer in 1859 Georgia. Maybe you tried to ignore politics … until all hell broke loose.

You are long gone now, of course.

Do we really suppose these bygone souls are floating somewhere in the cosmos, eternally muttering to themselves, “Damn! I really screwed up my time on Earth. Now I’m on the wrong side of history!”?

But what will your great-grandchildren think of you if you are on the “wrong side of history”? I can’t, of course, speak for you, but if I were to learn that my great-grandfather was in fact Jack the Ripper, I might be more fascinated than shamed. I might even write a book about it.

“The wrong side of history,” methinks, might be overrated.

 

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One of the (few) advantages of encroaching old age is that you feel, less and less, a compulsion to finish movies that suck. Life really is too short.

And so I stopped watching In the Tall Grass, the most recent garbage adaptation of a Stephen King story, just 30 minutes into the damn thing.

 

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Sometimes weeks – or even months – will go by when I have absolutely no interest in seeing whatever big-screen products Hollywood is cranking out. But I am intrigued by two new movies: Joker and Knives Out (above).

 

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Depressingly, my Minnesota Twins are on the cusp of losing yet another series to the hated New York Yankees. I have a theory about this year’s nightmare.

Before this ongoing playoff series, the Twins deactivated Willians Astudillo. Willians Astudillo looks like this:

 

 

Willians is the unofficial team clown. His nickname is “La Tortuga” (the turtle). No Twins team ever wins it all without the right ingredients, which include a seasoned veteran (Nelson Cruz), an amazing rookie (Luis Arraez), and a lovable clown (La Tortuga).

In 1991, the last time the Twins won it all, they had the seasoned veteran (Chili Davis), the amazing rookie (Chuck Knoblauch) and the lovable clown (Kirby Puckett).

Big mistake, deactivating Astudillo.

The Yankees, on the other hand, follow a different business model. Their formula for success, as always, is simply: “We spend more money than you do, so we win.”

 

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The Problem with Greg Gutfeld

 

Greg Gutfeld, Fox News’s resident class clown, is an odd duck.

He’s quick without being especially clever, interesting without being especially insightful. Bring up any subject and he’s sure to see it from an angle you hadn’t considered, and that makes him interesting, a respite from the numbing sameness of everyone else on most political panels.

But he’s more strange than funny. He must realize this, because his most annoying habit is relentless laughing at his own jokes. He is so insecure about the actual humor (or lack thereof) of what he’s saying that he must pre-empt a potentially mute reaction with his annoying cackle.

 

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This guy who is constantly on my TV plugging hearing aids (above) — is it ironic that whenever I see him I hit the mute button?

 

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A 78-year-old dude known for being perpetually apoplectic and under the constant stress of a political campaign has a heart attack? Who could possibly foresee that?

 

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This week, let’s take potshots at people in the news. People you might like. Or people who are, well, children.

We can do this, at least so far, because no one visits this site, so no one knows what we’re up to. If you are reading this, you probably accidentally clicked on a bad link that brought you here.

We also feel good about taking shots because we are using the plural pronoun “we,” so that “we” can insulate ourselves from potentially angry readers. Or potentially angry reader. You know: “I didn’t write it! She must have written it!”

 

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I’m sorry, but if I’m casting a remake of some evil-child movie like The Bad Seed or Orphan, I’m definitely interviewing this girl. Scary.

 

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“High school girls love me”

 

(click to enlarge and actually be able to read the text)

 

This business of the media digging up old Tweets and videos to trash American citizens is despicable. What’s fun, however, is the business of digging up old Tweets and videos about the media itself. Like this YouTube video of football analyst Cris Collinsworth being a, uh, naughty boy in the 1980s:

 

 

 

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This is how you get blocked by a pretty girl on Twitter. First, you notice her pictures:

 

 

 

 

Then, to make sure she blocks you, you reply to her Tweet like this:

 

 

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Fox News has a reputation for being “Trump’s channel,” but I’ve suspected for quite awhile that some of its anchors/hosts are closeted Swamp creatures and/or “Never Trumpers.”

They just have to be subtle about it because, well, they are on Fox News.

 

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Unbelievable on Netflix is a pretty good show. There are bits of Hollywood “woke”-culture preaching, but for the most part it’s a gripping, if grim, drama.

 

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American Horror Story got off to a smashing-good start on Wednesday.

But here’s the thing: American Horror Story always gets off to a smashing-good start. And then it drops off in quality — sometimes quickly, sometimes gradually.

As always, the show has impressive production design and top-notch technical aspects – photography, sound, direction, you name it. Alas and alack, at some point you can expect the story to go off the rails.

 

We could complain about the unrelenting gayness of AHS (see crotch, above), but this is a Ryan Murphy show, so we’re afraid that’s a lost cause.

 

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Politics Makes Depressing Bedfellows

 

It never fails. I will be presented with a choice between Political Position A and Political Position B. I will favor, say, Position B. Later, I will turn on cable news and see someone advocating for my favored position. This person will be repulsive.

I will then be forced to choose: Stay with Position B and become a reluctant ally with this revolting person, or … turn the channel, I guess.

 

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Since “white privilege” is now one of the cardinal sins of American life, will someone please explain why Cokie Roberts – daughter of powerful Democrat politicians and a Wellesley College alumnus – is now being venerated by our media?

 

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If you enjoyed our recent post about the “Flasher King,” here are two girls on a beach – one of them topless and scratching her ass – who spot a naked guy and decide to film him, not realizing that they are also being filmed.

Gotta love Millennials and the age of cell-phone cameras, right?

 

 

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Felicity Huffman is going to prison for 14 days? Hmmm.

One commentator said that, in reality, this will likely amount to 10 or 11 days in prison for the TV star. Someone else said that, due to administrative and processing time, she will likely spend only a few days behind bars.

I fully expect to hear soon that, due to this or due to that, Huffman will really spend two or three minutes in the slammer.

 

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Imagine my surprise and confusion when I read this (apparent) photo caption on the Decider Web site:

 

 

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In our quest to gradually turn The Grouchy Editor into a full-blown porn site (see last week’s video clip from Showtime’s Carnival Row), please enjoy this week’s clip from Power, featuring Candace Neolani Maxwell, also pictured above:

 

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Yet another hot chick

 

 

This isn’t soft-core porn, but if you enjoy hot girls who are actually funny in YouTube videos, here is Lara Fraser from The Daily Dropout:

 

 

If you feel this pivot to hot girls is a bad move by our Web site, consider the alternative: stories about Democrats debating.

We rest our case.

 

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Dave Chappelle ruffled some feathers with his latest Netflix stand-up special, so I had to check it out to see if he would ruffle my feathers.

My feathers are unruffled. I must be getting old.

In one corner, there are social-justice warriors who are offended by Chappelle’s politically incorrect jokes. In the other corner, political pundits like Tim Pool (I seem to be referencing Pool a lot recently; perhaps I need to get out of the house more often, away from YouTube) are hailing Chappelle as a legendary genius.

I watched the special, Sticks & Stones, and thought it was … interesting. That’s my reaction to most comedians these days: They are interesting.

None of them make me actually laugh. The last one to make me laugh out loud was probably Louis C.K., and he’s now branded as a pervert.

I must be getting old. Either that or I’m just a pervert.

 

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Since we’ve established that I’m probably a pervert, enjoy this video of British actress Tamzin Merchant getting poked by some black dude wearing a unicorn costume. Or a centaur costume. Or whatever it is. It’s from Amazon’s new series Carnival Row:

 

 

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