Category: Weekly Reviews

 

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It’s not often that I agree with the boneheads who run San Francisco, but I’m with them on their decision to ban facial recognition use by law enforcement. The argument in favor of the technology is that it will make finding the bad guys much easier.

OK, let’s follow that argument to its logical conclusion: You know what else would make finding the bad guys much easier? Placing cameras in everyone’s living rooms and bedrooms.

 

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Sure, I can see the resemblance.

 

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Usually when celebrities die I shrug it off. Better them than me. But this one hit hard:

 

 

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This was just a throwaway comment by Neil Cavuto on his show Saturday morning, talking about income inequality:

 

That’s the kind of attitude – “It’s too bad about the enormous gap between the super-rich and everyone else, but hey, what are you gonna do?” – that’s so infuriating.

Cavuto’s got his (big) piece of the pie, so too bad about the rest of us. Or, as Doris Day might have sung, “Que Sera, Sera.”

 

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grouchyeditor.com Ivanka

grouchyeditor.com Ivanka

 

 

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Little Mark Zuckerberg has decided that he and a panel of media “experts” can best determine what should or should not appear on Facebook.

God help all of us.

 

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I think I speak for most Americans when I say that I always get a warm sense of security and well being whenever I hear our president utter his favorite reply to so many questions: “We’ll see what happens!”

 

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Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time writing reviews of books, movies, and TV shows. Sometimes my reviews are just a few paragraphs in length; sometimes they’re longer.

Probably a colossal waste of time.

Probably I could just post a smiley face and simply write: “Should you spend your time on this? Well, you could do worse!”

 

Black Summer and Quicksand: While neither show merits five out of five stars … you could do worse!

 

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Everything’s rosy in Stuart Varney’s world

 

I’m sick and tired of blowhards like Stuart Varney and Larry Kudlow crowing about the Trump economy. The Trump economy pleases well-off know-it-alls like Varney, and Masters of the Universe on Wall Street, and economics gurus in academia.

But ask the average Joe or Sally and they will tell you it’s not “the economy,” stupid, it’s your wallet — two very different things.

 

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Venezuela: Oh, by all means let’s meddle in that mess. We’ve proven many times that we’re very good at fixing that sort of thing.

Asked to comment on the situation, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens!”

 

 

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There is a story that goes with the above picture. The story is at the bottom of this post. The picture is here, rather than with the story, because readers are much more likely to read an entire post if you tease it at the beginning with a picture of some bare-assed blonde on a beach.

 

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I used to rely quite a bit on Rotten Tomatoes for movie recommendations. Not so much anymore. The problem is this trend of today’s critics going back in time to review what were once considered classics. When these old movies violate some 2019 benchmark of political correctness, they get downgraded. I hate that.

Just tell me what the movie’s contemporary critics thought. I don’t care what some snot-nosed millennial fresh out of liberal-arts indoctrination thinks of Citizen Kane. If the movie is dated, I’ll figure that out on my own.

 

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“Getting out ahead of our skis” – latest trendy expression that everyone has to use on cable news

 

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The Amazing Race spans the globe, so I guess it’s not surprising that CBS has begun subtitling episodes so that viewers might know what the locals are thinking when the crazy Americans show up.

The guy in the pictures below might have checked out contestant Corinne Kaplan’s Instagram page (above) before helping her mount an elephant on Wednesday’s episode.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The last two times I promoted YouTube channels, it was to plug a guy who makes fart videos and another guy who reviews splatter movies. So keep that in mind when I recommend yet another YouTuber, some dude named Charles Ross who cranks out hilarious pranks and stunts at “Vlog Creations.”

 

 

 

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Seems like it would be a lot cheaper if they just rebuilt Notre Dame in Las Vegas.

 

Also on the glass-half-full front: Maybe now young people will learn who Quasimodo was.

 

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Random Gripes and Observations

 

Words that are bastardized, but we’re afraid it’s a lost cause to fight for them:

 

a) Often vs. oftentimes – Example: “I oftentimes complain about grammatical mistakes.”

Why does everyone insist on turning a perfectly fine two-syllable word into a clumsier three-syllable word? Also, stop using a hard “t” in “often.”

 

b) Using “their” instead of “its” – Example: “The FBI will update their Web site.”

 

c) The word “literally,” which Sean Hannity literally butchers on a nightly basis.

 

d) “The American people believe/want/say …”

The American people can’t agree on anything.

 

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I don’t believe Cher was siding with Trump on immigration. Well, she was, but she had no clue that she was because Cher is an airhead.

 

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As if Google wasn’t already a hateful company, now they it is ruining a classic Beatles song by overplaying it in commercials. Stop!

 

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For once, we weren’t planning to publish any cheesecake pictures of a female celebrity in the “Weekly Review.” But then we heard about some NFL jock who is jealous about some model:

 

 

We don’t know who the hell “Zed” is, but judging from the pictures below, looks like Olivia has gotten “cozy” with other dudes.

 

No “tight end” jokes from us … although she certainly has one.

 

 

 

 

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“The Ted Baxter Award”

 

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          Williams                              Baxter                                 Scott

 

I used to believe that NBC’s lantern-jawed cockatiel Brian Williams had a lock on “The Ted Baxter Award,” with his tilted-head, squinty-eyed, oh-so-serious delivery. But then I watched last Sunday’s Fox Report Weekend with Jon Scott.

 

 

Here is Jon telling viewers what to expect at the Department of Homeland Security after the ouster of Kirstjen Nielsen:

 

 

Here is Jon thanking reporter John White House for reporting from the Roberts:

 

 

Jon struggles a bit with his timeline:

 

 

And finally, Jon has trouble with correspondent Casey Stegall:

 

 

 

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We recently complained about the scarcity of quality new TV shows. That complaint stands. But a couple of returning shows are just as good as ever: Killing Eve, which is fairly routine as a spy drama but with moments of comic genius, and Unforgotten on PBS, which is always absorbing.

 

 

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I stopped watching baseball years ago because a) it bores me, and b) my hometown team sucks.

But have you seen this dude?

 

The best of Willians Astudillo

 

I might have to start following the Twins again, just because of him.

 

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Two expressions I’ve heard more than enough:

 

On immigration: “Congress needs to act.”

It hasn’t acted on immigration for decades, it doesn’t want to act on immigration, so don’t waste your breath.

 

On the economy: “If there’s one thing that Wall Street hates, it’s uncertainty.”

Yeah, because everyone else is so fond of uncertainty.

 

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Apparently we are so on top of 2019 problems that we now feel the need to resurrect 1960s problems. 

 

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I guess Donald Trump and Joe Biden are very much in sync. Trump grabbed pussies because, in his words, women “let you do it.” Biden gropes women and children because, well, they let him do it.

(By the way, that “let you do it” part — isn’t that what we call “consent”?)

More interesting, at least to me, is this business of Biden swimming naked in front of female secret service agents.

 

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Speaking of exposed skin, if you Google-search Emily Compagno, the latest pin-up queen on Fox News, you will see this picture:

 

 

These days, you never know what’s real and what’s been photo shopped. But those are such fine-looking butt cheeks, let’s just assume they belong to the former Raiders cheerleader.

 

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What’s that old adage — “Never meet your heroes,” because you’re bound to be disappointed?

I think I’d update that for 2019:  “Never read your heroes’ Tweets.”

 

It was … interesting … the way certain very vocal celebrities suddenly wanted to change the subject away from politics when the long-awaited Mueller report was turned in:

 

 

 

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Speaking of Twitter, I still don’t completely understand the etiquette, or rules, or whatever the hell it is we’re supposed to do. Take, for example, this Tweet:

 

 

Now, does this mean that 52 people are quite pleased that Larry Cohen is dead? Confusing.

 

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I could be wrong about this. I hope I’m wrong about this. But I suspect that we’ve gone past “peak TV” and are now sliding downhill.

There are more shows than ever, but I can’t find a single new series that really grabs me.

 

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It’s nigh impossible to find a columnist who can write about politics these days and actually be funny. I think this guy pulled it off.

 

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If you’ve seen the Volvo commercial, then you know the voice. Once you’ve heard it, it’s impossible to banish it from your head.

In the ad, an other-worldly, tinny, high-pitched voice implores us to “be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else.”

It sounds like some fun-house god issuing instructions to mankind over a cheap megaphone. Listen up:

 

 

That voice gave me goose bumps, but I wasn’t quite sure why. Then I remembered. I’d heard that voice before, and so had poor Doris Day in 1960’s Midnight Lace:

 

 

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Listen, I’m not into guns. But for some reason, I find this short video of Daily Caller reporter Stephanie Hamill (above) both disturbing and mesmerizing:

 

 

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Journalist Allysia Finley, pictured above, has an, ah, interesting way of speaking:

 

 

Makes me wonder if she’s related to, ah, this guy:

 

 

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Now that the Ferris Bueller report has finally been completed, we can all get back to normal.

Ha ha ha.

Sadly, these words of wisdom from Reuters’s Jeff Mason are much more likely:

“The fact that there is a conclusion is a start.”

 

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Far be it from us to hold a grudge, but after we were promised an interview with the female star of the new movie Long Lost and were then snubbed by said actress, well, let’s just say it was a very sad day at The Grouchy Editor office.

We can’t imagine why Catherine Corcoran, who is actually quite good in the movie (that’s her pictured above; our review is here), developed cold feet over our interview. Could it be that she feared we might ask about her Carrie-inspired nude scene in Return to Nuke ’em High (below)?

 

 

Or did she suspect that we might compliment her on her Instagram posts, like this one?

 

 

Perhaps she didn’t care for this question in our interview: “That hanging upside-down business in Terrifier – were you ever in danger of passing out from all the downward blood flow?”

 

 

But most likely, she felt burned by glowing “tributes” like this one from Mr. Skin:

 

 

Goodness. We would never be that crude and vulgar.

Would we?

 

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Let’s check in one more time with poor Doris Day and the Voice from Hell:

 

 

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This decision to blur a mass killer’s face so that he doesn’t get the attention he seeks might be well-intentioned, but it’s also moronic. It just guarantees that everyone will rush to the Internet to find out what the nutcase looks like.

 

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Broadcast News

 

Cock your head to one side, look sad, and you, too, can be a big-time anchor

 

Many, many moons ago, Yours Truly was a young journalism student. I know, I know; that sucks, but there you have it.

Anyway, we learned in school that there are two kinds of journalists: the print media kind, and the TV kind. The print-media journalists mostly toiled away in low-paid obscurity, spending days or even weeks on important stories that maybe 16 people would read. The TV journalists would read these stories in the newspaper and then use them to craft three-minute segments about whatever issue the story discussed.

That’s how TV journalists got their story ideas: from someone else.

One day in my misbegotten reporter’s youth I found myself seated at a table at some important, government-type meeting, directly across from Dallas’s hot-shot television news anchor, a pompous ass named Chip Moody. While I took copious, laborious notes about the meeting, Moody sat with a smirk on his face, doodling on a scrap of paper. He didn’t take notes; he barely heard what was being discussed.

He knew that all he had to do was show up, and the glamour and money would follow.

 

 

They do make lots of money, so maybe, unlike the buffoon played by William Hurt in Broadcast News, TV anchors aren’t so stupid after all.

Nah, most of them are clowns.

 

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It does seem like nearly all of our institutions – academics, courts, legislatures, media, Hollywood, medicine, big business, and whatever else I’m forgetting – are crumbling. They all seem to be run by corrupt people with too much power.

What’s the other thing they all have in common? The Baby Boomers are in charge.

Pretty sure Chip Moody was a Baby Boomer.

 

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Something a print journalist would notice and a TV journalist would not:

 

 

Not sure why dog owners are so prone to nonstop barking, but jail time seems appropriate.

 

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The fun part about having so many Democrat candidates for president? Watching most of them crash and burn.

Lord knows what kind of scandals and embarrassments we have to look forward to.

 

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Say what you will about Bill Maher – and you will say what you will about Bill Maher – but he’s not boring. One week he’s just another whiny little bitch; the next week he’s one of the few liberal talking heads with a scattering of brain cells.

 

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CBS cameramen continue to do an admirable job tracking the progress of their favorite Survivor contestant, young Lauren O’Connell (above right and below).

 

 

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