Category: Weekly Reviews

Taylor and Kanye, Sitting in a Tree …

 

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If I could name just one song either one of them is famous for, I might be more interested in their political opinions. Then again … probably not.

 

Doesn’t it seem that Kanye is forever trying to upstage Taylor? She wins a music award and he jumps on the stage. She makes an Instagram post and he visits Donald Trump.

 

Kanye should just leave Kim to date Taylor. That way, Taylor can write songs about Kanye and they can both live happily ever after.

 

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Sure, it’s adolescent and pointless, but I must admit that when I see this woman speaking on the news, I enjoy hitting the mute button.

 

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Seems to me that King is either back on the sauce or he owes his writing career to some super-diligent editors and proofreaders.

 

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Guess I’m just a glutton for punishment. I keep tuning in to these horror-themed series, hoping that one of them will actually be good. I had to quit watching The Purge and the latest installment of American Horror Story because they bored me to tears.

Now I’m watching The Haunting of Hill House (above) on Netflix, which I suppose will suck eggs.

 

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Judgment Day

 

Dear President Trump:

For the sake of everyone’s sanity, if you get the chance to nominate yet another Supreme Court justice, please let it be a woman.

 

How about this nutcase?

 

 

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Speaking of female judges, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is the subject of a new documentary on Amazon Prime. Here is a screen shot of Ruth relaxing on a training table after a vigorous workout:

 

 

Just kidding. Apparently that’s some Russian hockey player.

 

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I’m no youthful snowflake, but sometimes I feel the need for trigger alerts and safe spaces when I encounter Millennials, just to protect me from their ridiculously foul mouths.

 

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Genitals Week!

 

 

Penis!

 

 

I guess the only way we’ll learn the truth is for Kavanaugh and Trump to show their penises to Congress. On live TV, of course.

 

 

Balls!

 

“Promises Made, Promises Kept!”

It takes some major-league cojones to make that claim when the promise that got you elected – The Wall – can’t get past one or two bricks on a wheelbarrow.

 

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Our ex-presidents go on talk shows and, sooner or later, get asked about UFOs, Area 51, and that sort of thing.

Seems like if ever we had a president who wouldn’t mind spilling the beans about little green men, it’s the dude in the White House right now. Has anyone even asked him?

Let’s ask him.

 

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Movie Night in America!

 

 

Seems like the country is watching two very different movies right now. Half of us are watching All the President’s Men; the other half is watching Seven Days in May.

All the President’s Men (above) is about Deep Throat helping The Washington Post take down Tricky Dick Nixon. Recommended for liberals.

Seven Days in May (below) is about Deep State attempting to take down President Fredric March. Recommended for Trump supporters.

 

 

 

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Talking heads keep telling us that Brett Kavanaugh will have his “life destroyed” if accusations of sexual misconduct keep him from the Supreme Court.

Give me a break.

Did Merrick Garland have his “life destroyed” when he was denied a Court position? Is he living in a cardboard box under some freeway?

Louis C.K. is just fine. Merrick Garland is just fine. No one rich or powerful ever has his or her “life destroyed.”

 

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TV Update:

 

When the “good guys” on your show are all criminals, you have to go deep with your “bad guys,” and good lord, the villains on Netflix’s Ozark are truly a bad lot.

With its nice-family-gone-wrong plot, Ozark would like to be the new Breaking Bad. It’s not that good, but it is eminently watchable, thanks in no small part to this rogues’ gallery of evil:

 

.                     grouchyeditor.com Ozark 

                                       Bad                                         Worse                                   Worst

 

Ozark has crooked politicians; but the lawyers are worse. There is a dangerous Mexican drug cartel; but the local farmers are worse. And the FBI? Don’t even ask.

 

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American Horror Story:  I’ve only seen the first episode of “Apocalypse,” but I’m thinking this show has probably jumped the shark. Series creator Ryan Murphy is busy doing other things, other projects. The only sign that he’s still around is the show’s continued emphasis on male ass.

 

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The Purge: Two episodes in, it’s not as god-awful as I expected. Of course, that could change.

 

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Lost in Translation?

 

This is the synopsis for a 2015 Russian series on Netflix:

“As four Russian friends grow up in the early ‘60s, life, love and the curse of success threaten to derail their dreams.”

Sounds like a Cold War version of Dawson’s Creek, or some similar tug-at-your-heartstrings dramedy. But perhaps not.

 

Here is the poster:

 

 

OK … unless this is actually the Russky version of Porky’s, you might want to change that title.

 

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Good thing I buy cheap tennis shoes, so I don’t have to worry about boycotting Nike and its “sacrificing” spokesman.

 

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Meanwhile, in Montana, apparently there is a raging Senate battle between Sgt. Carter and … Sgt. Carter (below).

 

 

For you youngsters who don’t recall Sgt. Carter, this is Sgt. Carter:

 

 

 

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Quote of the Week

 

“Tonight, we ain’t losers no more.” – Philadelphia Eagles fan Kevin Hart

 

Tell that to the National Council of Teachers of English.

 

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“Unlike baseball … football does not wimp out at the first drop of rain. Football forges ahead through downpours and snowstorms.” – Camille Paglia

 

Thursday night’s NFL opener was delayed by bad weather.  When did the NFL start delaying games because of rain?

 

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Speaking of Camille Paglia, I would love to see her and Fran Lebowitz go at it – in a debate, that is.

Get your minds out of the gutter.

 

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Lots of clowns, pea-brains, and Chicken Littles in Washington D.C., but I’m hard-pressed to name one who combines all three character traits better than this guy:

 

 

Unless, of course, he’s some sort of evil genius and is simply toying with all of us ….

 

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Last week we waxed eloquent about the wondrous escapism of YouTube conspiracy videos.

But if you’re seeking some other form of addictive time-wasting, check out Crazy Days and Nights.

It’s the wondrous escapism of Hollywood gossip, in the guise of a guessing game.

 

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Quote of the Week

 

“Bringing up the FBI and the Justice Department rattles a lot of feathers.” – Jedediah Bila mixing her metaphors – or something – on The Five.

 

These pictures of Bila rattled my feather. Ruffled it, too:

 

 

 

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If we’re all watching fake news anyway, why not watch fake news that’s entertaining? That’s why I spent the night watching fake news on YouTube — primarily conspiracy videos.

Google, Twitter and Facebook work hard to censor political views they don’t like, but they have no problem showcasing videos and articles about fake moon landings, or unshaven Stanley Kubrick’s recent return to the Overlook Hotel (below).

 

 

These videos are fun. I began with the fake moon landings, which led me to Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut (in which Stanley filmed Tom Cruise’s then-wife Nicole Kidman, pictured below, in the buff), which led me to a video called “Pedophiles Rule the World,” which led me to Anthony Bourdain’s suspicious suicide in France, which led me to … you get the picture.

 

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These videos kept me up all night. And I didn’t even get to UFOs or the Kennedy assassination.

 

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Surely someone, somewhere, is busy updating “Bette Davis Eyes” to address this important question:

 

 

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If you’re going to borrow from classic high-school comedies, you might as well borrow from the best – movies like Mean Girls, Can’t Buy Me Love, and 16 Candles.

The makers of Netflix’s To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (above) understand this, and that’s why, despite the fact that I hardly fit the film’s target demographic, it never gagged me with a spoon.

 

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When they try to be funny, the Big Brother houseguests usually fall flat. But every so often, CBS cameras capture a gem of an exchange, like this one:

 

 

 

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OK, OK. Congressional candidates don’t have “running mates.” We know that, but that would spoil the joke.

 

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The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences message to Hollywood with its new “best popular film” Oscar category:

 

“Your movie sucks, but it did make a lot of money from the Deplorables, and we like that, so here’s a little naked man for you.”

 

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So let’s see … isn’t that “cultural appropriation” times three?

 

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I don’t care what your politics are, funny is funny, and this “interview” with former sheriff Joe Arpaio is pretty damn funny.

 

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