Category: Weekly Reviews

 

Commercial Hell

 

What good is running a Web site if you can’t, from time to time, abuse that awesome power by using the site to vent about your pet peeves?

Answer: no good at all.

And so I am going to bitch about TV commercials that are driving me insane. If I have to watch them, then you have to read my complaints.

 

 

I cannot stand the chick pictured above, allegedly the “fittest woman on Earth.”  She is so fit that she no longer resembles an actual woman. In fact, were it not for her high-pitched, nasal voice, I would suspect that she is actually a man. And the music in this commercial is weird. Also, what the hell is goli.com?

 

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GEICO makes funny commercials. Liberty Mutual does not. Liberty Mutual foists aggressively unfunny ads on the public, like the obscenities featuring the young actor pictured below, who garbles his lines and sends viewers into paroxysms of laughter.

Not.

 

 

Continuing its relentless assault on all things actually humorous, Liberty Mutual decided that the blooming idiots pictured below are our new Abbott and Costello, or Laurel and Hardy for the 21st century. They are decidedly not. They make me want to vomit.

 

 

Last but not least, there is “Randy A.” in a My Pillow commercial. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but he makes my skin crawl when I hear him whine about getting a good night’s sleep “so I can do my job in the morning.” I desperately want to ram several My Pillows up Randy A.’s ass.

 

 

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Are we all required to refer to this guy by the nickname, “Mayor Pete”? That’s way too cutesy and familiar and I refuse to do it. He is not my buddy. I suspect everyone calls him that because no one is quite sure how to pronounce his last name.

 

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I am ranting about TV ads this week because some self-loathing Swedish airline made a commercial trashing Scandinavian culture by proclaiming it doesn’t exist. The culture, that is, not Scandinavia.

I am of Scandinavian descent. Everyone is just jealous because Scandinavia has the hottest chicks. 

 

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“There’s nothing more dangerous in this world than a pretty girl. Her good looks blind us to all the horrors that go on in her brain.”

– Rip van Dinkle, above

 

 

 

We listened to some of the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp audiotapes. Poor Amber definitely comes off as a frightening psycho. However … Depp seems a bit too level-headed, a bit too “voice of reason” and Mr. Wonderful in the tapes that, presumably, he made and leaked.

But yeah, there’s no excuse for pooping in a dude’s bed.

 

As for AOC and her boyfriend … we’re taking them seriously, because we’re quite certain they both hold degrees in sociology and psychology.

 

 

Harvey Weinstein, bless his heart and deformed genitals, seems to have channeled Van Helsing warding off vampires when it comes to pretty girls: Rather than using holy water, Harvey disarms them by peeing on them in the shower.

 

Because Amber’s poop is once again in the news, we thought it was a great time to examine her pooper:

 

 

Hard to believe that so much mischief could come from such a cute rear end.

 

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From our Twitter feed:

 

 

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Quiz:  Which country do you consider a bigger threat to the United States, China or Russia?

Problem:  If you say China, you can be accused of being racist. If you say Russia, you cannot.

Could that be the reason the Democrats so relentlessly demonize Russia, but not China?

 

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Dinkle vs. King

 

 

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You’re at a bar and a stranger tells you a horrible secret about your spouse. Oh, no! So you go to your next-door neighbor for advice about what to do, and while consulting with your neighbor he receives a phone call from the police: His teenage son has been arrested for some shocking crime. Oh, no! Meanwhile, the cop who arrested the boy finds out that her father is actually a notorious thief. Oh, no! Right after that, we learn that everyone – you, your neighbor, the teenage boy, and the cop – has foolishly posed for nude photos which are now circulating on the Internet. OH, NO!!

That’s pretty much the formula of these Harlan Coben stories that pop up on Netflix. Bombshell revelations pile up in such rapid-fire succession that you don’t really have time to think about how silly most of them are. But it’s absurdly entertaining.

If you’re in the mood for that sort of thing, check out 2018’s Safe or this year’s The Stranger (pictured above).

 

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If Elizabeth Warren fails in her bid to become president, what do you bet that she blames her hapless husband for saying “no thanks” to having that beer with her?

 

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So they are delaying the final impeachment vote until Wednesday because senators want to give speeches. Oh, joy.

Can’t we just get it over with so that we can all move on to the next scandal?

 

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Michael Bloomberg vs. Donald Trump: I guess the argument goes, “It takes one billionaire asshole to beat another billionaire asshole.”

I won’t say which is which.

 

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The worst thing about the Super Bowl is that, once a year, we have to watch all of these pansy celebrities pretend that they are just down-to-earth, regular folks who like to watch football. In other words, Deplorables.

 

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I wanted to refresh my memory about Katelyn Faber, the Colorado teen who accused Kobe Bryant of forcibly butt-pumping her in 2003 (Bryant paid her off to avoid a trial). These are the photos that popped up on Google:

 

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I don’t know about you, but to me they look like half a dozen different girls.

 

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Speaking of hotties … the picture above is of Caroline Collins, news anchor for Youngstown, Ohio. Good lord. Why don’t my local anchors post pictures like this?

We’re guessing that Collins gets a lot of boorish, immature comments about her (voluminous) Web postings. Like this one from an expected culprit:

 

 

 

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Did anyone bother to tell Trump that we don’t want any of their damn viruses as part of the China trade deal?

 

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We Need to Replace:

 

Breakfast

 

But, but … “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!”

Then why did I just watch Dr. Oz telling us that there is no medical research supporting the benefits of eating breakfast?

Can that be true? If so, breakfast has to go.

 

Rotten Tomatoes

 

This Web site appears hell-bent on rewriting history by allowing “woke” Millennials to write “reviews” of old movies and also, apparently, by deleting negative audience ratings of woke shows like Doctor Who.

Can that be true? If so, Rotten Tomatoes has to go.

 

John Roberts

 

If Roberts is the “referee” of Trump’s impeachment trial, why isn’t he enforcing rules that tell senators they cannot leave their seats, access electronic devices, and eat candy during proceedings?

Can that be true? If so, Roberts has to go.

 

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Twitter Is the Devil

 

 

“This quoted Tweet is unavailable.” I am seeing way too much of this kind of thing on Twitter.

If I so choose – and lots of people do – I could post the most vile, disgusting pornography on my feed and that, apparently, would be fine by Twitter. But someone’s political statement must be censored?

 

Also, love him or hate him, millions of us follow Trump on Twitter, if only to see what outrageous thing he’ll say next. So how come his posts never show up on my feed?

 

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Poor Stephen King. Now he knows how J.K. Rowling must have felt last year when she ran afoul of the social justice mob. When you feed the woke beast, someday it will want to eat you.

 

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I tend to agree with Penguin Piers on this one. I also tend to hate myself because, dammit, I do get caught up in all of this British royals nonsense.

 

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Lara Logan Has No Agenda on Fox: She’s a journalist, so of course she has an agenda – even if it’s just going after other journalists and their agendas.

 

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What about the women who willingly slept with Harvey Weinstein just to advance their careers?

I can’t be the only one who would be interested in that story.

 

© 2010-2020 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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TV and YouTube Tidbits

 

 

We publish on Saturdays and so, tragically, many of the week’s highlights are “old news” by the time we get around to them. So if Donald Trump attempts to hump Laura Ingraham’s leg on a Tuesday, we generally don’t mention it because everyone else does — over and over and over again.

Ricky Gervais’ skewering of Hollywood happened ages ago in Internet time: last Sunday. But it was so delicious, we just have to mention it again. And we have to post the YouTube link to his monologue, in case you haven’t seen it.

 

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Poor Schitt’s Creek. Now that it’s airing its sixth and final season, it is at last getting some attention. Apparently the combined efforts of The Grouchy Editor (2017 plug here) and Pop TV are no match for Netflix reruns.

 

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If Tucker Carlson would like increase his reach among middle-class viewers, he might consider changing the way he says the word “rather,” which he pronounces like a stereotypical wealthy snob: “raw-ther.”

 

Speaking of wealthy snobs … not that this show is ever short on juicy material, but this week’s big news about the royals should give Netflix’s The Crown at least one additional season:

 

 

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Dracula: Good grief. Showrunners Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat took a perfectly good first two episodes and completely destroyed this reboot with a boneheaded decision regarding the third and final installment. That’s our opinion, and we’re sticking to it.

 

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Funny YouTube Videos

 

Disclaimer: I am just one person. I can watch just a tiny fraction of the videos on YouTube. But the following are highly recommended:

 

A lot of the best YouTube clips feature grandma- and grandpa-types. In this video, “Marge” (above) is tricked into visiting a nudist beach.

 

Marge again, this time enduring someone’s gas-passing (actually “Liquid Ass”) in an enclosed vehicle.

 

Southern grandpa’s turn to be pranked. More gas-passing in a car.

 

Another victimized grandmother. Grandson is especially cruel.

 

An adult male cries like a little baby. From “The Daily Dropout.”

 

“The Daily Dropout” heads to the beach.

 

We have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of these prank videos take place at the beach because, even if the prank fails or isn’t particularly funny, there are always thong-clad butts to ogle. Certainly we here at The Grouchy Editor would never let such crass considerations affect our judgment about which videos to highlight. (By the way, see screen captures at top and below.)

 

 

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I don’t know about you, but I’m always touched when Facebook asks me if I’d like to share my precious “memories.”

 

 

 

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Predictions!

(Spoiler Alert: None of them are very pleasant)

 

Trump And Conservatives Will Continue To Hype Our “Great Economy”

Congratulations! After years of unemployment or underemployment, you finally landed that new job flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Meanwhile, Bill Gates has enough money to buy several countries, but why should you complain? You have a new job! And that’s all that matters in our great economy.

Oh, but wages are on the rise? Great news!  Instead of earning $12 an hour, you now earn $13 an hour. How’s that for “trickle down”?

 

Conservatives Will Continue To Downplay The Benefits Of Soaking The Rich

As long as Bill Gates and cronies like Stuart Varney can convince conservatives that an attack on Bill Gates is an attack on all businesspeople, well, Gates can go on his merry way. Because, you know, any transfer of wealth from the rich won’t solve all of our problems, so there’s no point in doing anything at all. Right?

 

We’ll Stay Involved In Middle East Wars – But Only Temporarily While We “Train” The Locals

We’ve been hearing this for 20 years. Our soldiers are training the Iraqis, or the Kurds or whoever, to be self-sufficient so that we can finally leave. Sadly, the Iraqis or whoever don’t give a crap about the U.S. or its interests, and will never be “trained.” So we’ll just have to stay there. Right?

 

If We Abandon The Middle East, That Will Open The Door For Russia

So what? The Middle East is a nightmare. Let it be Russia’s nightmare.

But there is money to be made, so we must stay there. Right?

 

I Will Still Be Unable To Stream The Danish TV Shows Forbrydelsen And Borgen

For some infuriating reason, Amazon only sells them on DVD. I’m not even sure if the Amazon DVDs are American-player-compatible. Plus, they are overpriced. Why can’t I buy them digital?

 

Finally, 2020 Won’t Be So Bad – But 2021 Will Be

That’s because, if Trump wins, half the country will become unhinged. If Trump loses, the other half will become unhinged.

Forget 2020. 2021 won’t be pretty.

 

Caveat: The above predictions were all made prior to the offing of that Iranian general. Should that lead to World War III in 2020 … then, well, never mind.

 

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Is that “method acting”?

 

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Great. That means we can expect to see more garbage like Murder Mystery from Netflix.

 

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I thought about reading this article, but good lord, it’s eight paragraphs long. Who has time for that?

 

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© 2010-2020 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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Cats!

 

 

Tim Pool (above) is a journalist who covers politics for a living. Every day, he posts videos guaranteed to push somebody’s button — on the left or right.  Yet I’ve never seen Pool get so worked up, so frothing-at-the-mouth angry, about any subject like he does in the video below. The subject? It’s not Trump. It’s not the media. It’s not immigration. It’s the movie Cats.

 

 

Can’t say that I blame Tim.

I don’t go to a lot of plays, but to the best of my recollection, I’ve only walked out of one. About 30 years ago, my then-wife and I got up and walked out of a touring production of, you guessed it, Cats.

By the way, the clip above isn’t Pool’s entire rant. If you want to see all 13 hilarious minutes of it, check out “Timcast” on YouTube.

 

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Sex in the News!

 

Every week there is some new controversial Web post or podcast sex scandal involving “celebrities” I’ve never heard of:

 

 

I guess Wayne Gretzky’s daughter created a stir when she posted this cheeky photo on Instagram:

 

grouchyeditor.com Paulina Gretzky

 

grouchyeditor.com Tappen

 

I guess the NHL analyst pictured on the right above said something kinky about his blonde coworker, pictured on the left.

Below, the coworker, Kathryn Tappen, is shown on the run. We’re guessing she’s on the run from the analyst.

 

grouchyeditor.com Tappen legs

 

By the way, we don’t care about any of these people. We just wanted to post the pictures.

 

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Season two of Lost in Space is streaming on Netflix. It’s an enjoyable show because the actors who play the Robinson family are clever and charming, and some of the action scenes are truly spectacular.

But the show often turns into a yawner when the Robinsons are forced to interact with the dullard humans they encounter.

 

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These photo ops of Bernie Sanders trying to hit a baseball … I’m sorry, but I think they have the opposite effect of what his handlers probably intend. Bernie looks like frail old Mr. Burns trying to play ball:

 

 

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Trump’s Space Force

 

Hmmm … is it just a coincidence that our new Space Force is introduced just as UFO reports are on the increase?

Just asking.

 

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I get ill when I think about these two porking in the bedroom.

Then again, I get ill thinking about Harvey Weinstein porking, period.

 

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This came in the mail:

 

 

We here at The Grouchy Editor are taking this as a personal challenge. We’ll be the judge of best butts, dammit.

For starters, how about this one?

 

 

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This is Angie Craig, who represents a district near me in Minnesota:

 

 

Why is it that Minnesota gets all of the fruit loops?

 

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From The Hill:

“The unrelenting opposition to Trump is not based on the fictional quid pro quo with Ukraine’s president but rather a desperate need by the entrenched establishment from both political parties to maintain the status quo of their all-powerful club – aka part of the “swamp” Trump sought to drain.”

 

That’s why, were I Trump, I wouldn’t be too comfortable with impeachment in Mitch McConnell’s hands. I suspect McConnell would be much happier dealing with a President Mike Pence than a President Donald Trump.

 

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Dinkle vs. King

 

 

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In 1973, my high-school pal Terry and I went to see The Exorcist at a cinema in downtown Minneapolis. Two hours later, we walked out of the theater in stunned silence. It was the scariest movie we had ever seen.

A year later, I took a cheerleader named Laurie to see Earthquake in Willmar, Minnesota. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as it turned out), the movie was sold out and we had to either go home or watch the other movie playing in the building, something called Black Christmas. We chose the latter option. Two hours later, we walked out of the theater in stunned silence.

In the span of one year, I had seen the two most frightening films I would ever see — before or since.

In the ensuing years, I’ve felt no need to justify my admiration for The Exorcist. Its place in the canon of all-time-great horror films is secure.

Not so with Black Christmas. For years, most people weren’t even aware of the low-budget masterpiece from Canadian director Bob Clark. And then, 13 years ago, its memory was pretty much trashed by the release of a much-inferior remake. And now it’s happening again, with wrongheaded feminist/director Sophia Takal defiling the title Black Christmas in the name of “social justice.” And so …

STOP REMAKING THIS MOVIE!

 

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Uh, no. The movie has humor, certainly, but it’s not “campy.” It is scary as hell.

 

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“For the uninitiated, the 1974 Black Christmas is often considered one of the earliest slasher films ever made. Though it received some not-so-great reviews when it first came out, it since gained a cult following, and even partially inspired John Carpenter’s more famous 1978 slasher, Halloween. The film stars Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, and Andrea Martin as sorority girls who received lewd, threatening phone calls from an unknown villain who stalks and murders them. It is, as Decider’s Meghan O’Keefe says, “a bonkers must-watch.” — from the Web site Decider

 

Corrections:  1)  Not just “one of the earliest slasher films ever made,” but one of the best ever made. 2)  Not just “partially inspired”; it hugely inspired Halloween. 3)  Contrary to what you might believe from the above description, Keir Dullea does not play one of the sorority girls. Sheesh.

 

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OK, I’ll stop ranting about Black Christmas now. Read my review of the original by clicking here. See video of the remake’s nude director by clicking here. See below how even the “woke” critics at Rotten Tomatoes are trashing the new version:

 

 

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I can’t decide if Adam Schiff is the love child of Dom DeLuise …

 

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… or Grady Sutton:

 

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Trump

 

It’s more and more apparent that I’m not going to change your mind and you’re not going to change mine.

So we might as well just go ahead and have our civil war and be done with it.

 

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Free advice for the national media: If you’d like to salvage what little credibility you have left, you must move some national headquarters the fuck away from coastal big cities. Having bureaus and stringers in “flyover country” won’t cut it. Some of your headquarters must be located in Chicago or Minneapolis or St. Louis or wherever. It’s your only hope of understanding the entire country.

 

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Yeah, this pretty much confirms my theory that most TV journalists are illiterate.

 

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Why little children have nightmares:

 

 

Hell, that guy gives me nightmares.

 

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