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14Mar

The Chaos Kind

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by Barry Eisler

I guess if you’re a fan of this kind of fiction (I generally am not), you could do worse than the generically titled The Chaos Kind. Or perhaps not.

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar: We meet a tough-guy operative named Dox, a sniper who works for the government and who is very tough. But he is hilarious; so hilarious, in fact, that we are repeatedly reminded of his great wit. We also meet a deaf man who is likewise a hired killer and who is even tougher than Dox. And we meet a hulking man who might be the toughest of them all.

And the women! Oh, my, these members of the killing team might seem girly on the outside, but don’t you dare mess with them. In some ways, they are even tougher than the men!

But not to worry; despite their violent skills, deep down they all have hearts of gold. They like animals, young children, and victims of sexual abuse. In this book, they are out to save the world from a Jeffrey Epstein-like predator/mogul who has videos of powerful men abusing young girls. There are lots of standoffs and shootouts.

Problem is, the characters are all so interchangeable, all so one-dimensional, that reading the book is a mind-numbing waste of time.

13Mar

Reviews in Short: March 2022

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Nightmare Alley

Critics love movies like this one because they check so many boxes: impressive cinematography, big stars, somber tone, striking art direction, etc.

Let me add a few boxes of my own: Nightmare Alley is too long, there are very few, if any, relatable characters, and did I mention that it’s too damn long?

That’s a bit harsh. As always in any Guillermo del Toro film, the visuals are gorgeous. The subject matter does require a serious tone. And yet ….

I kept comparing the movie to Double Indemnity, another noir about a doomed con man (in Alley, the grifter is played by Bradley Cooper). Fred MacMurray’s insurance agent in Indemnity had a more wrenching downfall because — until he fell into the clutches of femme fatale Barbara Stanwyck — he was an average Joe. He was relatable. Cooper’s con artist is a bad egg from the start, so it’s hard to much care when things go sour for him. Release: 2021 Grade: B

**

Werewolves Within

A small group of local yokels are trapped in a snowbound country inn — and one of them is a surreptitious werewolf. What’s not to like about that setup?

Werewolves is silly and predictable and yes, you’ve seen it all before, but in the hands of director Josh Ruben, it feels fresh and fun. Release: 2021 Grade: B+

12Mar

The Weekly Review: March 6 – 12

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Now they are talking about World War III.

I told you we’d miss 2021.

***

Our beloved “leaders” keep doing things that make no sense, which seem counterproductive, even harmful to their own constituents. Why do they do that?

In the past, I would have guessed that these “elites” act irrationally because someone (China?) has something on them. Some damaging dirt. Career-ruining blackmail material.

But these days, it seems that if we learn Bill Clinton was having sex with children every day for ten years, we’ll issue a collective sigh and wait for the next outrage. Ditto for Donald Trump and the peeing Russian hookers — will we simply yawn if actual evidence emerges? None of these honchos ever gets punished, so why should we even care?

Our leaders have no shame; they simply want to run the world. And get rich. And get laid.

***

Rip keeps getting suspended by Twitter. Getting reinstated is a pain in the ass. Perhaps he’ll just hang out at Gab or Parler or GETTR or Trump’s new site — if it ever gets off the ground.

Well, Rip wasn’t wrong, was he?

05Mar

The Weekly Review: February 27 – March 5

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How to Sway Public Opinion (for war)

Do This:

Broadcast videos of Ukrainian mothers holding babies, apartments bombed into rubble, and young females wielding firearms as a means to defend their country.

Endlessly replay videos of your leader bravely standing up to evil Vladimir Putin, vowing to defend Ukraine to the death.

Do Not Do This:

Broadcast videos of Uyghur concentration camps in China.

Broadcast videos of Mexican teenage girls being raped by coyotes or cartel members as they are steered across the porous U.S.-Mexico border.

If you do the former, you can convince good-hearted Americans that we must wage war with Russia to help a country we know next to nothing about.

If you do the latter, you might remind Americans that there are bigger threats to our national security than the mess in Europe.

Of course, if it turns out that Putin really has gone off the deep end and is planning to nuke Milwaukee … then I take it all back.

**

But I will say this. It’s refreshing to see a leader, Ukraine’s President Zelensky, who doesn’t run and hide when the going gets tough.

That is unlike Joe Biden, who runs and hides every day from Fox’s Peter Doocy, and Justin Trudeau, who runs and hides from horn-honking truckers.

**

Netflix, which is raising its subscription price on me, again, has me by the balls. It’s very annoying.

It seems like there is always one show on Netflix that has me hooked. Like Ozark last month. Or Peaky Blinders coming soon.

I don’t want to cancel Netflix because I want to watch those shows.

But the vast majority of stuff I watch on Netflix falls into the same category. For example, here is what I watched last week:

Restless – Not bad. Has its moments. Won’t watch again. Probably won’t recommend.

21 Bridges (above) – Not bad. Has its moments. Won’t watch again. Probably won’t recommend.

The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window – Not bad. Has its moments. Won’t watch again. Probably won’t recommend.

26Feb

The Weekly Review: February 20 – 26

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What strikes me about news coverage of this Ukraine mess is how many politicians and pundits speak as if U.S. involvement in a new war is a no-brainer, something that’s already in progress. It’s as if they know that if they speak about war with Russia as a fait accompli, and say it often enough, people will begin to believe that we have no choice but to get involved.

**

I guess you can add Neil Cavuto to the list of Fox warmongers. Cavuto devoted the bulk of his show this morning to a Ukrainian woman — holding a baby, no less — begging for military intervention, especially from Joe Biden.

Because, you know, her plight is really the responsibility of America, not her European neighbors.

I would humbly suggest that she go to Putin’s good (oil) customer, Germany, and see if the Germans can help.

**

As for Biden, I guess destroying the United States isn’t ambitious enough for him. Give him a bit more time, and I’m sure he can turn this Russian invasion into World War III.

***

My Sloppy Reporting 1

How did I not know about this Gu chick? That’s what I get for tuning out the Olympics.

My Sloppy Reporting 2

I must be getting old. Ten years ago, I would have been aware that a former Playboy Playmate was in the house on Celebrity Big Brother. But I just now learned that evicted hamster Shanna Moakler used to be a Hugh Hefner squeeze.

Here is Shanna in her glory days:

***

I’ll always be fond of Mike Lindell because when they were trying to cancel Tucker Carlson advertisers, he stood tough. But good lord, these ads in which he boasts about the materials in his bedsheets coming from some exotic locale in the Mideast … if ever a pitchman comes off like a snake-oil salesman, it’s Mike Lindell.

***

Meanwhile, U.S. truckers are headed east. Go, truckers, go!

And let’s go, Brandon!

19Feb

The Weekly Review: February 13 – 19

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Above, Justin Trudeau plotting the destruction of Canada … just kidding. See below.

“The simplest explanation is usually the best one.”

— Occam’s razor (sort of)

George Bush went to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein tried to assassinate George’s daddy.

Bill Clinton lied about his affair with Monica because he was afraid of Hillary’s wrath.

Congress embraced masks, mandates, and lockdowns because most Congresspeople are old, vulnerable, and fearful.

Could all be true. They are simple explanations. We do tend to overthink things.

**

Trudeau, the pretty boy petty tyrant — it’s what we’d get in the U.S.A. if we were ever dumb enough to elect A.O.C. to the presidency.

**

I told you it was foolish to say good riddance to 2021.

2022 will be worse.

**

Biggest fail of the 21st century?

The media. Here’s why:

I have little doubt that if I were suddenly handed a great deal of money and power, I would become corrupt. I’m guessing you would go bad, too.

It’s not news that throughout history, including right now, people in power are rotten to the core. If they’re not, they soon will be.

Regular folks are too busy with their own lives to monitor the scoundrels. That job is supposed to belong to the media.

And the media has become a joke.

**

I wasn’t sure who Regina Hall is. I looked her up. Here she is in 1999’s The Best Man:

You’re welcome.

Apparently, her boyfriend in the original Scary Movie liked what he saw in The Best Man. Hence, the scene below:

**

Celebrity Big Brother is winding down, and it’s looking like evil hamster Miesha Tate might grab the cash prize. Here is Miesha in the house:

Just kidding. I imagine she was in someone’s house, but that’s not the Big Brother house.

As if it matters.

**

I had watched about two-thirds of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the new one) on Netflix when I wondered, for the umpteenth time, why filmmakers keep trying to remake classic movies by remaking classic movies.

The reason they are classics is because they are the opposite of what you’re trying to do. They were original. You are a photocopy machine.

**

If Bill Maher keeps shifting to the left, progressives are going to demand he change the name of his show to something more appropriate. Like, say, Politically Incorrect.

Alfred Hitchcock was right. Actors should be treated like cattle.

12Feb

The Weekly Review: February 6 – 12

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Villain of the Month (for Americans)

This man-child:

Villain for the Ages (for Canadians)

This man-child:

Hero for the Ages (for everyone)

This guy (and friends):

The Truckers vs. The Establishment skirmish is ongoing as I write this, so lord knows what might happen. If nothing else, good-guy truckers are exposing all the would-be dictators both north and south of the U.S.-Canadian border.

Twitter will ban or suspend you if you “wish harm” on ~~anyone~~ liberals, like the man-child pictured twice above. I don’t have that censorship problem here. At least not yet.

Oh, if the Twitter censors could only read my mind and discover the “harmful” things I am wishing on the man-child ….

**

Cops

Sigh. Heavy sigh.

Listen, I think defunding the police is lunacy, and I’d like to support the men in blue. However … too many personnel in law enforcement — from beat cops to Feds at our spy agencies — are bending the knee to political dictators. You have to say “no” when you’re asked to do things that are clearly unconstitutional and/or illegal. You must become a whistle-blower.

**

I had reservations about its potential “wokeness,” but I am digging Around the World in 80 Days, now playing on PBS.

When I learned that Phileas Fogg would be joined by a black Passepartout and a feminist journalist, my P.C. radar went off. But it’s fine. This is the way wokeness should be done. The series is not (very) preachy, and its occasional political correctness doesn’t detract from the story. At least not yet.

And that story is old-fashioned comfort food. The characters are amusing, the scenery is spectacular, and each episode ends the same way: Some pig-headed grouch has a change of heart and turns out to be a good egg after all.

**

It might be mean-spirited (or not), but I enjoyed seeing this young idiot do bellyflops at the Olympics:

06Feb

Svengoolie

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The other day at work, a colleague casually mentioned that he’d rewatched the 1972 schlock masterpiece Frogs. That got my attention. I, too, had watched the so-bad-it’s-good horror flick just a few days earlier.

“Did you see it on Svengoolie?” I asked.

His eyes lit up. Of course he had.

Svengoolie, for the uninitiated, is the name of a long-running, Chicago-based syndicated show that airs Saturday nights on MeTV. My colleague and I are fans. I suspect we have lots of company.

Once a week, a mustachioed, portly vampire with dark circles under his eyes hosts a two-hour retrospective, mostly of B-movies from the 1950s-1970s with an emphasis on science fiction and/or horror. The schlockier the movie, the better.

Svengoolie introduces the films and, during breaks, peppers the show with skits, parody songs, and viewer letters. And puns. Lots of puns. There are occasional guest stars, some of whom you might even recognize:

The show is aimed at kids, so you won’t find I Spit on Your Grave here. You will, however, find movies like It! The Terror from Beyond Space, Them! and, as I said, Frogs.

Kids come for the funny costumes, the skits, the songs, and the corny puns. But the, ahem, “viewers of a certain age” stay for the trivia. At some point in each episode, Sven provides amusing background on the featured movie’s cast and crew. Last week, during a screening of It! The Terror from Beyond Space, we learned that nearly every member of the cast had guest starred on Perry Mason. (If they didn’t appear on Mason, you can be sure they were on Gunsmoke.)

That might not interest you (or the kids), but it’s catnip to we, ahem, viewers of a certain age.

In the screencap below from Frogs, for example, do you recognize the handsome young man pictured at left?

Here he is again in a recent photo:

When my work colleague and I were kids, we didn’t have Svengoolie, or even Elvira. We did, on the other hand, have this magazine:

Svengoolie preserves the spirit of Famous Monsters of Filmland. I propose we give a hand (literally or not) to Rich Koz, the man behind Svengoolie’s mask. Koz (pictured below) writes every show and performs most, if not all, of the voices. He’s been doing it since 1979.

Check it out. If you like what you see, you can comment live on Twitter during Saturday night episodes.

And you can even buy a t-shirt. But no personal checks.

06Feb

Reviews in Short: February 2022

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Ingrid Goes West

Aubrey Plaza plays dour and damaged Ingrid, a loser from Pennsylvania who moves west to stalk her idol, an Instagram “influencer” named Taylor (Elizabeth Olsen). Ingrid uses deceit to successfully penetrate Taylor’s inner circle, and hilarity results. Uh, not really.

Ingrid Goes West aspires to be All About Eve for the social-media generation, but there’s a crucial difference. In Eve, the characters were snakes — but snakes with charm and wit. In Ingrid, the characters are snakes, but shallow and witless.

Only in the third act does the movie come to life, when Ingrid sheds her creepy stalker persona and reveals herself to be a genuine human being. Release: 2017 Grade: B

05Feb

The Weekly Review: January 30 – February 5

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Forgive me if you’ve heard these rants before, but ….

The China Olympics

Our athletes should have boycotted. But they are selfish, more interested in their own careers.

And so the boycott is up to us. Let’s not watch any of it.

(Yeah, yeah, the chick pictured above is actually from Belarus, not the U.S., and she wasn’t referring to China, but her attitude is all-too-typical.)

**

Over the past few years, whenever I thought of Canada (not often), I thought it was a country of wimps. Seemed like everything pretty boy Justin Trudeau and the lunatic left wanted, they got.

I don’t feel that way today. The heroic Canadian truckers are the best news since football stadiums erupted with chants of “Let’s go, Brandon!”

**

I used to sneer whenever I heard some Middle Eastern country refer to the United States as “The Great Satan.” But the more we learn about how corrupt so many of our institutions are, well, it’s hard to argue against that sentiment.

Is there anyone in power in this country who isn’t controlled or cowed by either a) the far left or b) by China? Anyone?

So-called “conservatives” like Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham, many of our courts, and don’t get me started on corporations — all of them seem to be bought off. At least the lunatic left is relatively upfront about its goals. But the Republicans are worse, intimidated by the media and trying to hide their complicity in overthrowing democracy.

J.D. Vance said it best Friday night on Tucker Carlson’s show. Our “leaders” have disdain for the U.S. Constitution. They want to gut it and ignore everything in it.

**

The most recent example of corruption is GoFundMe, which apparently wants to take the money you sent to support the Canadian truckers and give it to a charity of its own choosing.

How is that not theft?