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20Dec

Blue Velvet (1986)

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I don’t know a thing about director David Lynch’s personal history. I haven’t read any Lynch biographies, and am not even sure where he hails from (although I have a vague recollection that it might be Montana). But after watching his films, I get the impression that young Mr. Lynch was raised prim and proper, a good little Protestant boy who on one fateful day wandered across to the wrong side of the railroad tracks – and was subjected to one massive dose of weird.

I speculate about that because filmmaker Lynch is famously obsessed with the macabre, the odd, and the surreal, and Blue Velvet is a prime example. Essentially a Hitchcockian spin on a Hardy Boys story, Blue Velvet follows young Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan), a college student who on one sunny afternoon discovers a severed human ear in a vacant field and decides to conduct his own investigation. As the story progresses, Jeffrey learns that it is a strange world, indeed. But whereas Hitchcock used humor to break tension, Lynch opts for bizarre interludes. There is one scene near the midpoint in which – completely out of the blue – a gay man croons Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams” to a rapt, crazed Dennis Hopper. The scene still has me shaking my head. What on earth has it to do with the plot — or anything whatsoever?

But it wouldn’t be a Lynch film without such scenes. Sociopathic Frank Booth (Hopper) and pals are unfathomable to Jeffrey and to us, and yet Lynch makes them feel very real. Isn’t that a great recipe for what’s truly frightening in life?

Jeffrey learns that there are two sides to everything. “I’m seeing something that was always hidden,” he tells his girlfriend Sandy. The small town he calls home is a bucolic Mayberry in daytime – and a dangerous haven for joyriding thugs at night. Jeffrey has a virginal, sweet-faced blonde (Laura Dern) to woo at a Norman Rockwell soda shop – and a rough-sex-loving lounge singer (Isabella Rossellini) to corrupt him in bed. There are red robins, blue velvet, and a “Yellow Man.” There is weirdness galore, or, as Sandy and Jeffrey repeatedly tell each other, “a strange world.”

All of which makes me wonder again: What in the world did young David Lynch stumble into when he crossed those railroad tracks? Grade: B+

Director: David Lynch Cast: Isabella Rossellini, Kyle MacLachlan, Dennis Hopper, Laura Dern, Hope Lange, Dean Stockwell, George Dickerson, Priscilla Pointer, Frances Bay, Jack Harvey Release: 1986

Watch Trailers or the Film (click here)

18Dec

The Weekly Review: December 12 – 18

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‘Tis the Season for Giving (to the rich)

I don’t know about you, but at this time of year it warms my heart to see the rich getting everything they desire. A two-year extension of the Bush tax cuts? No problem, Mr. Trump. A cutback of the horribly unfair estate tax? Have some more caviar, Mr. Gates. Time magazine’s Person of the Year? It’s our honor, Mr. Zuckerberg. Taxes still too high? Just move your business out of America, Mr. Manufacturer — and be sure to enjoy the cheap labor in Mexico.

Isn’t it ridiculous how the middle class keeps waging warfare on America’s rich? It’s Christmas, so please enjoy this picture of what the rich are giving to the rest of us:

*****

You won’t find a bigger Beatles fan than Yours Truly, but after watching 68-year-old Paul McCartney croak last week on Saturday Night Live … well, let’s just acknowledge that we ain’t at The Cavern Club anymore.

*****

What the hell is wrong with this man?

*****

What happens when you watch too many movies? You could wind up flat on the floor and looking foolish, like Florida school board member Ginger Littleton, who apparently thought she was The Bionic Woman when she swung her purse at a man twice her size.

15Dec

How to Train Your Dragon

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As I was watching How to Train Your Dragon, I kept thinking of another film: Werner Herzog’s 2005 documentary, Grizzly Man. In Herzog’s movie, a naïve young fool named Timothy Treadwell believes he can best-friend-forever wild bears, thereby ignoring thousands of years of human history. Things do not end well for the optimistic Mr. Treadwell.

In How to Train Your Dragon, one of the lessons seems to be: Animals are our pals, kindred spirits to all of mankind. “Everything we know about you guys is wrong,” says the young hero, Hiccup, to a dragon. That’s probably what the Grizzly Man thought, right before he became breakfast. Things, of course, do not end so badly for the heroes in Dragon – this is a children’s movie, after all – but the story has little, sorry, bearing on reality.

I suppose if you are eight years old, this animated confection is the cat’s meow. If, however, you are older, it’s a barely tolerable waste of 98 minutes. The story is unoriginal, the gags are aimed at pre-teens, and much of what transpires is preposterous. Young Hiccup, drawn as a teenager, is voiced by an actor who is nearly 30 and whose voice sounds exactly that, which is both bizarre and distracting.

As for the celebrated 3-D special effects … I didn’t see it in 3-D, but according to Roger Ebert, I didn’t miss much. Says Ebert: “The 3-D adds nothing but the opportunity to pay more to see a distracting and unnecessary additional dimension.” I’ll take his word for it.

How to Train Your Dragon is well-meaning and well-drawn and well … very nice for eight-year-olds. It is a Gumby movie with more expensive production values. Grade: B-

Directors: Dean DeBlois, Chris Sanders Voice Talent: Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera Release: 2010

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

14Dec

Trainspotting (1996)

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Bob Dole, that cantankerous old coot from Kansas, made news during the 1996 presidential campaign when he attacked a relatively obscure British movie called Trainspotting. According to Wikipedia, “U.S. Senator Bob Dole accused it of moral depravity and glorifying drug use … although he later admitted that he had not actually seen the film.”

Dole lost the 1996 election, but he made a good point. I give Trainspotting an above-average grade because the movie is inventive, rollicking entertainment – but it does glorify heroin users. My complaint (and Dole’s) is nothing new; critics carped in the 1960s about Butch and Sundance, and Bonnie and Clyde, for their alleged bad influence on youthful moviegoers.

But whining about “sinful” cinema is a lost cause. The truth of the matter is that if you put a clump of putrid dog vomit on the big screen, someone, somewhere, will spearhead a cult following for said dog vomit. There is an audience for just about anything. (Incidentally, I am not comparing Trainspotting to dog vomit.)

Danny Boyle’s gritty depiction of Scottish drug addicts does have tragic moments, but they are glossed over as Boyle moves on to other concerns: a frantic pace, clever dialogue and – above all – a desire to amuse his audience. As druggie Renton says in the film, “People think it’s [drug abuse] all about misery and desperation and death … but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn’t do it.”

Trainspotting is all about pleasing oneself. For every dead baby scene, there is a hilarious bit about “the worst toilet in Scotland,” or the perils of pummeling a dog’s posterior with a pellet gun. Bob Dole was correct: the movie does glorify drug use. But it is also glorious fun. Grade: B

Director: Danny Boyle Cast: Ewan McGregor, Ewen Bremner, Jonny Lee Miller, Kevin McKidd, Robert Carlyle, Kelly Macdonald, Peter Mullan, James Cosmo, Pauline Lynch, Shirley Henderson Release: 1996

Watch Trailers (click here)

14Dec

Free Flick of the Week: “D.O.A.”

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You know Hollywood has a good idea when it can’t stop plundering itself. Such is the case with D.O.A., a 1950 thriller that’s been remade at least twice, and heavily influenced other movies like 2006’s Crank. Edmond O’Brien stars as a frantic fellow racing against the clock to find out who gave him a slow-acting poison – and why. Watch this gripping film noir for free by clicking here.

12Dec

The Weekly Review: December 5 – 11

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Jerks of the Week

The Swedish “rape” victims: I have no idea if WikiLeaks rabble-rouser Julian Assange is a “man of the people” or just a dangerous publicity hound, but from what I’ve read, the rape charges against him appear to be a joke. If these two women had consensual sex with Assange and then got their feelings hurt, well, welcome to Jerks of the Week.

Josh Duhamel: You make this list for acting like a spoiled brat on an airplane. Turn off your damn BlackBerrry and stop inconveniencing other passengers. Your movies suck, too.

Drew Pinsky: This pompous narcissist needs some doctoring, himself. I don’t know how he manages to constantly be on TV, because it must be difficult for him to tear himself away from dressing-room mirrors.

Obama: I voted for you, and you are still light-years superior to any Republican, but you need to stop reneging on campaign promises and blaming others for your failures.

Bristol Palin: You are only, what, 19 years old? And yet you already have a double-chin and thunder thighs. Yes, Bristol, you are fat.

Elizabeth Edwards: I know, I know, it’s not polite to speak ill of the recently deceased. But it is also a load of horse manure to bestow sainthood on a woman who doesn’t qualify for the honor. Yes, her husband was a vain and feckless loser, and yes, it’s too bad she got cancer. But geez, people, read the book Game Change, in which Elizabeth comes off as a shrill, bullying harridan — and quite possibly mentally unstable. I read the book and thought, “No wonder John ran away from her.”

Wesley Snipes: You just had to play the race card on your Larry King appearance, didn’t you? Poor fella. Now it’s off to a country-club jail for this tax cheat.

The Kardashians: Kim is reportedly the highest-paid reality TV star ($6 million per year), so naturally she and her awful sisters tried to bilk their fans for even more via a credit-card scam.

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin: Said she, “That one puff on that cigarette could be the one that causes your heart attack.” Right, Regina. From the looks of you, I’d say that just one more bite out of a Twinkie could lead to a heart attack for you.

Former Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico: Donna was upset that she got a full-body scan at the airport. Hard to sympathize with you, because a Google search of your name calls up 17 million nude pictures.

Bad Mob: The morons of the Westboro Baptist Church, who protest at the funerals of dead soldiers.

Good Mob: The student protestors in England who made life uncomfortable for Prince Charles and Camilla. Hey, Charles, your country is on the verge of bankruptcy — take the bus for once in your privileged life.

11Dec

Doc Martin

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As a television slave, I can’t think of anything more delightful than discovering some buried gem amid all of the mindless rubble on screen. Doc Martin, a British comedy-drama on the air since 2004, is one of those surprising finds. Not only is the show intelligently written, but there are four seasons of past episodes available (mostly) free of charge on the Internet.

The series depicts the travails of Dr. Martin Ellingham (Martin Clunes), an uptight – to put it mildly – surgeon-turned-general practitioner who abandons London for the small village of Portwenn, an absolutely stunning hamlet on the Atlantic coast of Cornwall. (The show is filmed on location in Port Isaac in southwest England. Who knew that Britain has resorts rivaling Montego Bay for pure physical beauty?)

To say that Portwenn’s inhabitants are unsophisticated is akin to describing recent British politics as serene and understated. Doc Martin is yet another fish-out-of-water formula show, to be sure, but this is no Green Acres. The plots are consistently funny and – generally when you least expect it – poignant.

Clunes’s doctor, a spinoff character from the 2000 film Saving Grace, is a source of endless amusement. Ellingham is the stereotypical, stiff-upper-lip Brit we’ve seen in so many English exports, but Clunes gives the character a vulnerability that is at once hilarious and sympathetic. He is supported by a top-notch ensemble cast. Caroline Catz, as Ellingham’s on-again, off-again schoolteacher love interest, is the kind of girl you want your mother to meet – but not until after you’ve enjoyed a healthy roll in the hay with her. (Catz, that is; not your mother.) The humor in Doc Martin all flows from character – and what great characters!

Doc Martin has been an award-winning ratings smash in England for six years. Production begins on season five in 2011, but in the meantime, it’s great news for Americans that past episodes of the show are available on PBS and the Internet. Most episodes can be found on Hulu, Fancast, The Internet Movie Database, and Netflix.

Creator: Dominic Minghella Cast: Martin Clunes, Caroline Catz, Ian McNeice, Stephanie Cole, Joe Absolom, Katherine Parkinson, Selina Cadell, John Marquez Airing: 2004-present

Watch free episodes (click here)

08Dec

The Island of Dr. Moreau

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by H.G. Wells

Of the handful of H.G. Wells classics I’ve read, The Island of Dr. Moreau is probably the most thought-provoking – and the least entertaining. It’s morbidly interesting because, unlike the space aliens in The War of the Worlds or time travel in The Time Machine, the themes Wells explores are grounded in reality: evolution, nature versus nurture, religion, and man’s relationship to his fellow animals. But Island is nowhere near as much fun as the author’s other science-fiction stories because its protagonist, Prendick, does not hunt, chase, or flee from Dr. Moreau’s monstrous creations (a hybrid of humans and beasts); mostly he just observes them. And these observations are not so much thrilling as unpleasant, a depressing reminder of all that is wrong with human nature, and science run amok.

06Dec

Free Flick of the Week: “In a Lonely Place”

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Humphrey Bogart in his prime. Need I say more? Click here and watch it for free.

04Dec

The Weekly Review: November 28 – December 4

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For a bunch of supposedly smart people, scientists sure are rotten at public relations. This week, NASA decided to interrupt all regular news programming for a “major announcement.” This announcement, we were told, would be about the search for alien life. I got excited. Did they find little green men? Had someone (or something) in the universe finally responded to those old episodes of The Honeymooners we have been beaming into space?

Nope. Instead, a condescending, annoying scientist named Felisa Wolfe-Simon came on camera and proceeded to talk down to the world about her big find — some microscopic potato-things in California with arsenic in their DNA.

Yawn. I’m sorry, but I’d rather watch The Honeymooners.

*****

One day about 15 years ago I was sitting in an office in downtown Ft. Worth, Texas, when someone looked out the window and noticed a film crew working on the street below. It was lunchtime, so I went outside and had a look-see. They were shooting an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, a CBS show starring Chuck Norris.

It was chilly that day — for Texas. It might have been in the 40s. I glanced to my right and noticed a man standing on the sidewalk. He was visibly trembling, grasping his shoulders and red of face. My first thought was, “What a wimp.” My second thought was, “Hey, that’s Chuck Norris.”

I thought of that on Thursday when I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry had named Norris an honorary member of the Texas Rangers. Guess they’ll accept anybody.

*****

I was accused this week of being a “boobies man.” I resent that. I am a “butt man.” Here is evidence: