The Grouchy Editor

“Why do you have to put [CNN’s] Ali Velshi in Atlantic City hour after hour after hour after hour, with him being blown around by the wind?  I think it was a CNN executive, off-camera with a gun to his [Velshi’s] head.”  — Michael Moore to Piers Morgan

I’d be less than honest if I didn’t admit to experiencing a bit of schadenfreude watching TV reporters clinging to lampposts and getting drenched during hurricane coverage.  It’s especially fun to see big-name anchors like Anderson Cooper and Erin Burnett take a soaking.  And who could forget Al Roker’s memorable reporting during Hurricane Wilma (below)?

In related news, CNN relied heavily on “iReporters” — a term I have come to loathe — for storm reports.  Hey, “iReporter,” you are not an Apple product and you are certainly not a journalist.  You are just some schmuck with a camera.

Mitt Romney was also concerned about storm victims.  I’m sure Romney has rich pals who suffered damage to their multi-million-dollar vacation homes, and that is certainly tragic.

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I recently watched something called Twins of Evil, a 1971 horror flick.  I am convinced that the main vampire was played by Jimmy Fallon.  Yes, I realize that the movie is 40 years old, but you be the judge:  In the pictures below, which is Jimmy and which is the movie bloodsucker?

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Just in case you haven’t yet seen this little girl doing a superb job of expressing America’s mood,  click here.

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I don’t do much tweeting.  I don’t really understand the appeal of Twitter.  Several years ago when I first registered at the site, I posted a tweet that mentioned, in passing, Justin Bieber.  Apparently my reference popped up on a Twitter search engine because on the following day I got my first group of “followers” — a gaggle of teenage girls.  I figured that was better than no followers.  Alas, when the teen girls somehow wised up to the fact that they were now following a middle-aged doofus (me), they promptly unfollowed me.  I can’t explain why, but this abandonment depressed me.

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Meanwhile, on Survivor …

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Talk-Show Heaven

It’s hard to resist the incisive interviews on Dr. Drew’s show.  Here is an excerpt from Dr. Drew’s illuminating chat this week with Honey Boo Boo (above):

          Honey Boo Boo:  I don’t burp.

          Dr. Drew:  You don’t burp?

          Honey Boo Boo:  I don’t.

          Dr. Drew:  You’re trying to burp, but you can’t?

Talk-Show Hell

It’s painful listening to starlets on late-night talk shows.  The host has to do all of the work while some Callie Cutethighs giggles and adjusts her short skirt.  I experienced a preview of death the other night, watching a bubble-head named Hana Mae Lee (below) on Craig Ferguson’s show.

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Who says there’s no news worth celebrating?

“Rare, good news for you is I showered this morning, after two days on the plane.” — Obama campaign spokeswoman Jen Psaki, to an MSNBC anchor.

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“He’s [Obama] doubling down on that storyline.” —  CNN’s Jessica Yellin. The media gets hold of a phrase it just loves and the damn thing spreads like a virus in kindergarten.  Enough!

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“I worked in network news, and I know that promotions were given to people based upon their political leanings and based upon how they conducted themselves in the politically correct atmosphere in which they work.”  — Bill O’Reilly, decrying network personnel decisions.

Good thing Bill’s employer, Fox News, is beyond reproach in its hiring practices, as we can see from these out-takes from the resumes of typical Fox employees.

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Penny Marshall is promoting her new book.  I don’t understand why she’s not still directing big-screen movies.  Did any filmmaker have a more impressive string of hits in the late ’80s and early ’90s than Marshall did with Big, Awakenings, and A League of Their Own?

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Meanwhile, on Survivor ….

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Don Rickles was on Jimmy Kimmel’s show the other night.  Don Rickles, at 86, is still one of the funniest guys on the planet.  Below, Rickles in 1976 with Frank Sinatra and Johnny Carson.

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Early-season TV report card

Elementary     Not bad, although Jonny Lee Miller (above) as Sherlock Holmes isn’t all that captivating.  Holmes should always, always seem bigger than life, and Miller simply doesn’t.

666 Park Avenue and Last Resort     Mediocre stuff, the kind of shows you might watch while clipping your toenails, or gaining insight and wisdom at The Grouchy Editor.

American Horror Story: Asylum     So far, so good.  The season premiere was better than anything from last year’s series.  And how about Jessica Lange (below) — ain’t she something?

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The Week in Headlines

The Feds are lucky that so many of these would-be bombers resemble The Three Stooges.

There’s a lot of squawking on Fox News about “who knew what” in regard to the attack on our diplomatic mission in Libya.  I’d be more inclined to pay attention if Fox had been equally concerned about “who knew what” leading up to the war in Iraq.

Guess I won’t need to vote next month.  From what I’m hearing, soccer moms and the good people of Ohio and Florida will decide this year’s election.

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Whoever coined the phrase, “There is no such thing as a stupid question,” was an idiot.  I know, because I have lots of stupid questions.   For example:

In movies about space travel, NASA capsules are often in danger of burning up in Earth’s atmosphere upon re-entry.  So why wasn’t the dude who just made that record space jump in danger of burning up?

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Meanwhile, on Survivor ….

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I give up trying to gauge the impact of these presidential debates.  Back in the 2000s, I thought I watched as tongue-tied George Bush got his lunch handed to him in debates, but look how that turned out.

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This is a publicity shot from NBC’s upcoming reboot of The Munsters, something they are calling Mockingbird Lane.  That’s “Herman” on the left.  What is wrong with this picture?  If you’re going to redo The Munsters, Herman must, must look like Frankenstein’s monster.  Herman Munster without makeup is like Lily without sex appeal — sacrilege.

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I’m bored.  The presidential election is just weeks away, the baseball playoffs are in full swing, Argo is opening in cinemas, and my reaction to our national frenzy is … I want to take a nap.

I need more excitement in my personal life.  I need to discover that my upstairs neighbor is preparing stew — with human body parts.   I need to look out my front window and behold two twisters lowering themselves to the ground, their sights set on my apartment complex.  I need Kristen Stewart to stop playing games with me and declare her undying love.

I need a cold shower.

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Apparently, this man has no balls.

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Meanwhile, on Survivor ….

 Later, more cheeky fun on Survivor ….

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There is an explanation for this picture.  It’s a perfectly newsworthy photograph.  Seriously.  See below.

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When I was a kid, I once asked my father what he thought of the comedian Red Skelton.  My dad said that he didn’t care for Skelton because he laughed at his own jokes.

I’m reminded of that every time I watch the spawn of Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect:  The Five and Red Eye on Fox News, and The Cycle on MSNBC (above).  All three shows feature segments in which a host reads from a prepared “humor” piece.

Problem is, these monologues are rarely laugh-out-loud funny, yet they are greeted with howls of forced laughter from the other panelists.  About the only time something genuinely humorous occurs in the world of politics, it’s spontaneous or accidental — like the angry Iraqi man hurling his shoes at a ducking George Bush.

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Ann Coulter and activist Kevin Powell engaged in a polite debate on Joy Behar’s show:

Powell:  “You’re clearly a racist.”

Coulter:  “You’re clearly a moron.”

Now that’s funny.

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In that same spirit of civil discourse, here is my take on that fat lady singing the blues in Wisconsin:

Stop whining and go home, Miss Piggy.  Your 15 minutes are up, and the only “bully” we’re seeing is you.

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Geez, Arnold, I watched you hem and haw on 60 Minutes and I almost felt sorry for you.  At times, you resembled a … girlie man?

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“Television is where it’s at … and I don’t disagree.” — Entertainment Weekly movie critic Lisa Schwarzbaum.

You have to feel a bit sorry for long-time film critics like Schwarzbaum and Roger Ebert, who are often reduced to two choices at today’s cinema:  small, independent movies that no one will see, or the latest brain-dead superhero/comic book/special-effects extravaganza, which is made for and marketed to teenagers.  Meanwhile, all of the best writers have migrated to cable channels like FX, AMC, Showtime, and HBO.

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That does it.  If Romney wins, I’m moving to Brazil.

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Always the gracious host, Piers Morgan informed guest Jesse Ventura, “You make some very sensible points, and you make crackpot points.”

Piers later told Jesse, “You have been, as always … slightly crackers.”

I don’t know.  There are times when Ventura (above right, with potential “running mate” Howard Stern) makes more sense than our current candidates.

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Worst thing about the ridiculous fuss over the NFL’s striking referees? The unfortunate side-effect that it provided pompous ass Bob Costas with lots of air-time on news outlets.

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Martin Bashir, above, has trouble restraining his inner naughty boy.  After the New York Times ran a quote about “the stench of [Mitt] Romney” and its deleterious effect on Paul Ryan, Bashir asked guest Ken Vogel about the Romney campaign’s difficulty in attracting donors.

Bashir:  “Who’s to blame?  Is it Mr. Ryan or The Stench?”

Vogel:  “I don’t know about The Stench.”

Bashir:  “Is it time for more Republicans, as it were, to start standing upwind of Mitt Romney?”

Vogel:  “We should point out that that is traditionally the role that vice-presidential running mates take:  They are number two.  They’re number two for a reason.”

Somewhere, Beavis and Butt-head are giggling.

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So much for gender equality in high-school sports.

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Time was, movie stars considered themselves too good for TV commercials.  Then some of them began doing ads on the sly in places like Japan.  Now, you can’t turn on the television without hearing pitches from Tom Hanks (Marie Callender’s), Paul Giamatti (Liberty Mutual Insurance), Jeff Bridges (Duracell), Tommy Lee Jones (Ameriprise), or George Clooney (Budweiser).  John Travolta must be mistaken; it’s a good time to be a celebrity.

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“President Obama on that thing, he came off as an emasculated wimp.  He really did.” — Bernard McGuirk (above), a Bill O’Reilly minion, evaluating Obama’s appearance on The View.

OK, talk-show tough guy, be sure to let us know how emasculation feels on November 7.

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Meanwhile, this week on Survivor …

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Great Art (and Hot Blondes)

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Survivor is back, and it’s not hard to figure out which castaway is the favorite with CBS cameramen.  Hint:  It’s not the black dude.

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Critics Agree!

“It’s a stupid film on YouTube.” — noted author Salman Rushdie

“Fourteen minutes of your life you will never get back.” — some other guy

I had to see what all the fuss was about, so I checked out the trailer for Young Muhammad in Love, or whatever it’s called, and, well … I’ll have to say, this is wonderful stuff.  Here are my Oscar predictions for this charming little indie:

Best Supporting Actress:  Irma Glutz 

Best Supporting Actor:  Clem Kardashian

Achievement in Special Effects

Best Sex Scene (ok, ok, not an Oscar category, but should be)

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Sometimes I daydream about moving to Alaska.  I think it might be a nice place to live.  But then I see news items from Alaska like this:

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Piers Morgan took to Twitter to vent about Kelsey Grammer, who stomped off the set of Piers’s CNN program:

“Kelsey Grammer was supposed to be on my show now but ran out of the building.  Strange,” tweeted Piers.  He followed up with this:  “So, Kelsey Grammer saw a photo of his ex wife Camille in the open to our show and legged it  …. a shockingly unprofessional thing to do.”

Hard to understand what Kelsey found so offensive, so we tracked down the picture that opened Piers’ show, from Camille’s Oscar-nominated turn in The Naked Detective:

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Not that long ago, the world stood still when a certain author published certain books.  This week, that author is publishing her latest book.  What’s that, you say?  Nope, I wasn’t aware of it, either.

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“During sex with your father, is it considered cheating if you think of someone else?” — Joy Behar, mangling a viewer-submitted question (she meant to say “partner,” not “father”).

It’s possible that I might have butchered Behar’s mangled quote, just a bit.  Behar’s new network, Current TV, does not provide written transcripts of her show.  My point is this:  Who knew Jokin’ Joy is back with a new show?

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Prick of the Week:  Moneyball Author Michael Lewis

Rachel Maddow:  “Why do you think President Obama let you have this kind of access for eight months?”

Michael Lewis (author of a new book about Obama):  “It’s interesting because he never explained why it was that he let me tag along with him, which is what he did.”

Gee, Mr. Journalist, could it be because you violated reporting ethics, big time, by agreeing to let Obama veto any quotes he didn’t care for?

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I was watching one of those British mystery series, Midsomer Murders.  The killer turned out to be a young woman, the product of an illicit affair, who was upset because she wasn’t fully accepted by her family — the “Inkpens.”  Yes, folks, she was driven to kill because she really, really wanted to be an Inkpen.  Gotta love those British mysteries.

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“Well I hate to say this but I was right and the president was wrong.” — Bill O’Reilly, crowing about his “prediction” of trouble in Egypt.  Great work, Bill.  You, and only you, suspected that violence might once again rear its ugly head in the Middle East.

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Yes, there is another scandal involving England’s royal family.  According to at least one Web site, “Kate [Middleton] was spotted smoking a cigarette as the couple walked out of nearby Marseille airport, where they arrived on a commercial flight.”

This kind of behavior must end.  Cannot believe they are taking commercial flights!  And oh, yes, there are also naked pictures of Kate, taken apparently as she playfully mooned the photographer.

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And finally, since we are on the subject of sexy mammals …

Click here for the saddest love story since Romeo and Juliet

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Bill Maher issues “New Rules” for whatever happens to be ticking him off.  After suffering through two weeks of political bluster at the conventions, I have my own new rule:  No more mentioning your ancestors in political speeches.

I’m touched that your grandma raised 38 children and rode a mule-driven wagon to the marketplace, and I’m happy that your daddy rose heroically from shoe shiner to president of the Lions Club.  But what, exactly, does any of that have to do with you?

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“Why is that?  Why do we need to work?” — Greg Gutfeld, above, on The Five

Because if you didn’t work, you’d have time for introspection.  And if you had time for introspection, you might realize how you come off on The Five.  Like a sad, bitter little turd.

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“Europe is trying Republican-style austerity, and it’s driving them, literally, numerous countries, over the cliff.” — Democratic strategist Julian Epstein (above)

Unless the Italians have messed with Mount Vesuvius and the venerable volcano is erupting and steamrolling villages, then no, Europe is not “literally” driving countries over the cliff.

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Putin is in the news again, this time for ruminating about group sex and for hang gliding with wild cranes. Yet for my money, Putin’s strangest moment remains the day that he planted a kiss on a five-year-old boy’s belly.

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Yes, times are tough in the publishing world, but I’m tired of receiving “special double issues” of Entertainment Weekly.  A typical issue of EW contains about 80 pages.  A recent EW “special double issue” had 120 pages.  Do the math.

Next week, of course, there will be no issue at all.  I think it’s time to change your name to Entertainment Every Other Weekly.

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Fall TV Excitement!

“Take a deep breath, and lower your expectations.” — Producer Howard Gordon, warning Homeland fans about the show’s second season.  That sounds like a good idea.  A big part of season one’s appeal was the mystery of Sgt. Brody:  Was he a good guy or a bad guy?  The season finale pretty much answered that question.  So what do they do for an encore?

“[Networks] were all ‘Horror does not work.’ It does work.” — NBC producer Bryan Fuller.  Sure it does — on the big screen, not on the small one.  I enjoy American Horror Story (below) and The Walking Dead because they are freaky and creepy.  But there is one thing they are not:  frightening. I don’t know exactly why, but TV doesn’t do scary. Never has, probably never will.

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At times, I have trouble taking Ted Baxter … er, Scott Pelley, seriously.  It doesn’t help when Pelley wears jackets that, at a glance, seem to reveal his tiny yellow arms.

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Airheaded Anchor Comment of the Week:

“I’m supposed to say nude, but I’m going to say naked.” — HLN’s Richelle Carey, pictured above, discussing rumors about the emergence of more Prince Harry pictures.

Yes, because your viewers might struggle with the definition of a big word like “nude.”

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Michael Moore was on a Huffington Post podcast the other day.  Michael Moore should really think twice before wearing shorts on national podcasts.

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Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Sometimes the title of a show tells you everything that you need to know.

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