The Grouchy Editor

I watched the premiere of Welcome to Myrtle Manor on TLC.  There.  I said it.

Heaven help me, but I enjoyed the damned thing.  Pictured above is series regular Roy.  Roy is a hairdresser.  Pictured below are Myrtle Manor residents Anne (left) and Miss Peggy.  Miss Peggy is an exhibitionist, and Anne is … well, Anne.  Let’s all hope and pray that there are no tornado scares at the trailer park.

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Let me see if I have this straight.  Decades after the Vietnam War, Jane Fonda still gets spat on by angry veterans and denounced in Congress, but Dennis Rodman gets a pass for his love-fest (above) with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un?

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OK, America, let’s go ahead and legalize discrimination against smokers.  But while we’re at it, let’s also make sure that your fat husband can’t get a job and your alcohol-guzzling wife gets fired, because they are making the cost of my health insurance go up.

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Quote of the Week

“John Boehner can barely control his caucus.” — MSNBC’s Karen Finney.  I know how Boehner must feel, because there are times I can barely control my caucus.

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More good news for job-seekers:  They are still seeking a proofreader at The Huffington Post.

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Oscars Wrap-Up

Adele picked up an Oscar for her song from the movie Skyfall.  I’m thinking of calling the picture above, with Adele towering over Kristin Chenoweth, “Sunblock.”

Lending a touch of glamour to the proceedings, Oscar winners Jennifer Lawrence, above left, and Anne Hathaway, right, posed for photographers after the big show.

I guess that when you have two gay guys producing the Academy Awards telecast, there is no way to avoid god-awful musical productions, but geez.  Perhaps they thought they were throwing a bone to heterosexual men with their “We Saw Your Boobs” number (above), but even that fell … uh, flat.

It takes a lot to steal the show from Adele, who sang the Oscar-winning “Sunblock,” but Barbra Streisand (“The Way We Were”) and especially Shirley Bassey (above, belting out “Goldfinger”) managed to do just that.

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Thank God that poor, downtrodden Ben Affleck got an Oscar so that we can all relax and stop feeling sorry for him.  Ben was inspirational when he told us how life had been a struggle for him, but that we should all follow his example and just keep on fighting.  And when the cameras cut to Ben’s movie-star wife shedding movie-star tears in the audience, I had to reach for some tissues.  Well, OK, so it wasn’t a tissue, but brown barf-bags are also made from trees.

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Quotes of the Week:

“At the time you were kissing Mr. Burns’s lips, did you know he was dead or not?” — prosecutor’s question for Jodi Arias at her murder trial on Monday.

The topic on Wednesday’s Red Eye was working from home.  Bill Schulz said, “The alone time does tend to make one odd … you watch a lot of weird stuff.”  Yes, like Red Eye at 2 o’clock in the morning on Wednesday.

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I’m having trouble following this “Blade Runner” business in Australia, possibly because it’s taking place in South Africa, not Australia.  The “Blade Runner,” legless Oscar Pistorius, is on trial for killing a model.  First, we got the shocking news that the trial prosecutor will also be tried for homicide.  Then we were again coldcocked, this time with reports that Pistorius’s brother will also be tried for homicide.  I fully expect to hear, any day now, that the judge is accused of some murderous rampage.

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Apparently, we were all supposed to be wowed over the retirement of that Catholic creep in Rome.  Why this pedophile protector isn’t moving out of the Vatican and into a prison cell is the real story, but you’d never guess that from fawning media coverage.

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Lots of exciting news at The Huffington Post.  They still have an opening for a proofreader, and secondly … well, here is my hopeful post in their comments section:

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At some point, haven’t we all?

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“He called me a fucking idiot.”

— Jodi Arias testifying at her murder trial on Wednesday.  Her colorful language somehow slipped past HLN’s censors, causing me whiplash as I sat at my computer and prompting HLN anchor Ryan Smith to apologize to surprised viewers.

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Taylor Swift revenge songs … Taylor Swift revenge dress ….  Am I the only one who’s beginning to wonder if the problem here might be Taylor Swift, and not the endless series of ex-boyfriends she seems hell-bent on trashing?

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If I continue to have this problem with ConsumerAffairs, do I report it to ConsumerAffairs?

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Retailers often emphasize sports when they promote their big-screen, high-definition TVs.  I think a better selling point would be the programming on the Science channel.  Nothing quite like watching computer-generated asteroids hurtling toward Earth, or supernovas bursting in crystal-clear detail on shows like How the Universe Works and Through the Wormhole.

This story is not particularly newsworthy, but it is a good excuse to post a cool outer-space picture, so here you go.

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The Love Boat

I used to wonder what a poop deck was.  Not anymore, thanks to the passengers on the ill-fated Triumph.

I actually feel a bit sorry for Carnival’s P.R. people, who are having to answer so many idiotic questions from the media.  They should have simply issued a two-word press release:  “Shit happens.”

Oh and by the way, media … this cruise-ship business was mildly interesting, but Jon Stewart was correct in calling you out for going, uh, overboard with your frantic coverage.  Inconvenienced vacationers are page 2 news.  What do I consider page 1 news?  Well, this …

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Eggheads, Airheads, and Dogheads

Security expert James Lewis was on Face the Nation.  I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a man whose noggin so closely resembles an egg.

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I was under the impression that most bubble-headed anchors work at Fox News, but it’s hard to ignore CNN’s Ashleigh Banfield (above).  Banfield and Anderson Cooper shared this memorable exchange during last week’s East Coast snowstorm:

Banfield:  One other thing that I’ve been doing, Anderson, all day I’ve been doing the president’s measurements.  And I think this — as the governor of the state said — this is when it’s going to start getting a lot more serious.  The snowfall is going to start getting a lot more thick.  We’re going to get those 3 to 5 inches an hour.  And our official president’s measurement, we have reached Millard Fillmore.  I’ve been waiting.  I’ve been waiting to reach Millard Fillmore, which is about seven inches or so.  But now I can tell you every ten minutes or so, we are going up a president.

Cooper:  Hey, Ashleigh, I know you’re cold, but what are you talking about?  I don’t understand.  The measurements of the presidents?

Banfield:  Anderson Cooper, get your Kathy Griffin on.  I have a second-grader, so this is how the rulers are when you’re in second grade.

Cooper:  OK.

Banfield:  They’re the presidents.

Cooper:  I see.  OK.

Banfield:  Get with the program.  I’ve been measuring it in president.  We started at George Washington.  We’re at Millard Fillmore.  I’m waiting to get to Cleveland, not second term, first term, because that’s halfway.

Cooper:  It’s been a long night, hasn’t it, Ashleigh?

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© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

“They go straight back home, they make a beeline back to the apartment, back to the home for more anal sex.  You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.”

That’s a quote from Nancy Grace, who has been taking a keen interest in the trial of Jodi Arias for the murder of her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander.  Trial watching has also been a welcome opportunity for Nancy and BFF Casey to enjoy some long-overdue bonding (above). 

Photoshop, you ask?  Certainly not.  We aren’t professional graphic artists here at The Grouchy Editor, so if ever we did attempt to alter a photograph, you would most likely be able to tell.

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I guess this demand from the right for a picture of Obama shooting a gun (above) is some sort of manhood test.  OK, but it seems only fair then that we all get to enjoy this manly photo of George Bush from back in his cheerleader days:

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I realize that we can’t all be fashion models, and I love casual Fridays as much as the next guy, but geez Rachel, what is this?  “Hobo chic”?

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More proofreading woes at The Huffington Post:

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“We interrupt this week’s coverage of nutcase Jodi Arias’s murder trial to bring you coverage of rogue nutcase Christopher Dorner, an ex-cop on a murderous rampage in California.”

I understand the hand-wringing over our tendency to treat hard news as “infotainment,” but good grief, is there no end to these outrageous diversions?  Guess I should ask Nancy and Casey.

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“I know more about Jodi Arias’s — let me just say rear end, for a better word — than I ever dreamed I would know.  That’s not exactly why I went to law school.”

— Nancy Grace, not fooling any of us

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Term that needs to be abolished:  “rock star” — unless it refers to an actual, honest-to-goodness musician.

Hillary Clinton, love her or hate her, is often referred to as a Democratic “rock star.”  Hillary is many things, but she is certainly not a rock star.  She is an aging, heavyset politician who wears pantsuits and glasses — the very antithesis of “rock star.”  Likewise, that scrawny geek from Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, is no one’s idea of a “rock star.”

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As long as we’re banning things, let’s ban the Super Bowl party.  If you are a genuine football fan, it’s next to impossible to watch the actual game during these parties because there are “casual fans” in attendance, blocking the TV screen, paying attention only to commercials, and making non-football-related conversation.  Who needs that?

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          Eddie Munster haircut, circa 1964

          Eddie Munster haircut, circa 2013

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Lord knows I bitch enough about annoying commercials, so it’s only fair that I praise a — stop the presses! — good one, on the rare occasion that one comes along.   This Kayak spot is funny.  Of course, I won’t feel that way after I’ve seen it 1,400 times.

It’s impossible to escape awful commercials.  Not if you expect to watch television.  But you can at least pick your poison.  If you want to avoid the cloying appeals of retired celebrities like Henry Winkler, Fred Thompson, or William Devane, who all strive to convince us that they are just like us, just regular folk, you must steer clear of cable-news channels.  Likewise, if you can’t stomach one more acne-cream ad, say goodbye to MTV.

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This attraction Obama has for flies at press conferences is beginning to go beyond bizarre.  Perhaps he needs acne cream.

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Football wife Anna Welker, above, had some choice Facebook words for Baltimore’s Ray Lewis, who in the past has had some well-publicized legal problems.  I had never heard of Anna Welker, so I Googled her.  I have a hunch that the German woman pictured below, also named Anna Welker, is surprised by the sudden popularity of her online job profile.

Expect CBS broadcasters Jim Nantz and Phil Simms to kiss Lewis’s ass during the Super Bowl, and say little or nothing about his messy past (below).  That’s apparently Anna Welker’s job – the American Anna Welker, that is.

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Thanks to the Manti Te’o hullaballoo, I’ve been watching MTV’s Catfish, which documents similar online deceptions.  MTV should consider changing the name of this show to:  Fat Youth Lying to Get Dates.

Catfish second banana Max Joseph (above left) shared an opinion that got my goat:  “Saying you don’t have a cell phone is like saying you don’t wear pants!”

I don’t have a cell phone, and I might or might not be wearing pants – got a problem with that, Junior?

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Fashion Update!

CNN “fashion czar” Alina Cho was giddy over the way designer Jason Wu dolled up Michelle Obama (above) for inauguration festivities.  Gushed Alina, “Another thing he [Wu] said, you know what? ‘After four years in office I thought the country was ready to see a confident First Lady in red’ – which I think is extraordinary.” 

Good point, Alina, because until last week the nation most likely preferred a cowering, timid First Lady in red.

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The reviews are in for Movie 43, and they ain’t pretty.  Here is a sample from Moviefone:

“The first section, with Jackman (playing a man who has testicles hanging off his chin) and Winslet, was shot FOUR YEARS AGO.  Even after people said yes, they didn’t want to be in this thing.”

The “thing” is getting universally trashed by critics, and yet … I don’t know about you, but any movie that has Hugh Jackman with testicles hanging off his chin sounds like a must-see to me.

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The Huffington Post should really consider hiring a few proofreaders.

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 Dumb Jocks

I’m tired of Lance Armstrong and I’m tired of Oprah.  The former is just the latest in a string of arrogant jerks from Texas, and the latter is a gigantic, unctuous blob of fat.

In her interview with Armstrong (above), Oprah had a lot of “yes” or “no” questions for the middle-aged man who rides bicycles for a living.  I have one for Oprah:  “Yes or no, you had four pumpkin pies for dessert last night, didn’t you?”  As for the sociopath who sat across from her, it’s not a genuine “apology” if you expect something in return, and this pompous ass clearly wants something in return.

Much more entertaining is the loopy story of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o (below) and his enigmatic “girlfriend.”  This ongoing scandal is delicious because the only damage being done is to the overstuffed egos of monomaniacal coaches, idolized jocks, and lazy sportswriters.

Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick (below) getting misty-eyed at his press conference about the Te’o controversy?  Priceless.

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“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” — That’s an aphorism attributed to any number of historical figures, and a piece of advice rigidly adhered to by Clarence Thomas (above) until Monday when, for the first time in nearly seven years, the Supreme Court justice opened his mouth in court and said … something. We’re still not sure just what.

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“The governor is the master of the one-liner.” — Fox & Friends doofus Steve Doocy, gushing about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  That’s because if a movie script assigns more than one line to Arnold, he’s in over his head.

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Kathryn Bigelow (above) attracts controversy the way Honey Boo Boo attracts chiggers.  Three years ago, Bigelow won Best Director for The Hurt Locker, an OK movie that I’ve already forgotten.  This year, she got snubbed for her efforts on Zero Dark Thirty.  I suspect Bigelow won for Locker because she is female, and Academy voters felt guilty about having never awarded a directing Oscar to a woman.  I also suspect she got penalized this year because she doesn’t condemn torture in Zero.

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When posting pictures of the enemy, media outlets tend to select less-than-flattering images.  And so we have The Huffington Post running this shot of NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre.

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Jennifer Lawrence discussed “anal leakage” with David Letterman, above.  I’m not sure that Jimmy Kimmel will ever top that.

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Why Some People Question the “Reality” of Reality TV

“We have to keep this quiet.” — girl to boy she is kissing … while television cameras film their “private” moment on the premiere of MTV’s Buckwild (cast pictured above).

Downton Abbey (below) is back, and that’s prompted lots of critical essays about why viewers are attracted to this stuffy-but-entertaining series.  Here is my theory:  It’s the anti-Buckwild.

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Attentive readers might have noticed that there was no “Free Flick of the Week” on Monday.

We’re closing the balcony on free movies for several reasons:  1)  It’s become a pain to locate no-fee films worth watching, because many previously free movies have been gobbled up by Amazon, Hulu Plus, et al, and saddled with viewing fees; 2)  Ad-free films, once commonplace on the Web, are increasingly rare; 3) Does anyone really need help finding movies on the Internet?  Nah, we didn’t think so.  So rest in peace, “Free Flicks of the Week.”

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Quotes:

“Here’s a tip:  If you know someone heavily into sadism, avoid them.  Avoid them; there is something wrong.” — Bill O’Reilly advising his audience to shun moviegoers who patronize slasher fare like Texas Chainsaw 3D.  Good advice, Bill.  That’s my attitude toward most conservatives who watch your show.  I avoid them, because there is something wrong.

“Are we living in a Women’s Studies class?” — Tom Shillue on Red Eye, expressing his outrage over feminist outrage over Brent Musburger’s outrageous comments about the precious wallflower pictured below.

“I think you’d probably win in the Supreme Court on that.  But I don’t think anyone can predict for sure.” — Jeffrey Toobin, wisely hedging his bets on Piers Morgan Tonight.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Jeffrey might have recently made a bad prediction.  About, for example, the Supreme Court and health care.

“We’re living in tough economic times that make people irrational about security ….  There’s a lot of fear in this country.  And a lot of it is fear of the future and fear of unemployment.” — Arianna Huffington, who contributes to the well-being and security of writers on her Web site by paying them … nothing.

“Any sleep medication has the potential to cause drowsiness, and people really need to think about this.” — Jon LaPook (above) on the CBS Evening News, taking “stating the obvious” to new heights.  Or is it new lows?

“I wouldn’t tell Jesus anything.  I would ask a few questions, and then listen to him.” — O’Reilly again, explaining to a viewer how he would conduct himself at dinner with the Messiah.  I don’t believe a word of it.  O’Reilly would listen briefly, then interrupt Jesus and begin yelling at him.

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The scariest part of American Horror Story?  This face, which appears in a flash during the opening credits:

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I complained to the manager at my neighborhood supermarket because I had to walk past this picture at the magazine rack.  If stores have to hide cigarettes, they should certainly be required to hide this sort of thing.

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In the wake of Al-Jazeera’s purchase of Current TV, Joy Behar: Say Anything! released this new publicity shot of Joy welcoming guest Ellen DeGeneres to the show.

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“Overused Too Often”

CNN interviewed John Shibley (above), a creator of Lake Superior State University’s list of annoying words and expressions that simply must go.

Martin Savidge:  “So let’s talk about … how this list-compiling all began.”

Shibley:  “[We] discussed how many words and phrases are overused too often.”

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My proposed term to dump:  “disgruntled employee”

We hear this whenever some wackdoodle returns to the office and blows away former co-workers.  But these people are not “disgruntled,” which to my mind describes a cubicle-dweller who is unhappy with the decaf in the breakroom, not some lunatic with an Uzi.

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Sometimes I weep for humanity.  This poll makes me very sad.  Doesn’t anyone believe in young love, anymore?

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**SPOILER ALERT!!!**

Sorry.  I’ve just always wanted to write that.

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Jimmy Kimmel takes on Letterman and Leno this week.  I handicap the race:

Letterman — the best

Kimmel — too damn many commercials.  I once timed an ad break during his show and it lasted nearly nine minutes.  Jimmy, your guests had better be The Beatles — including the dead ones — if I am going to sit through that many ads.

Leno — every year, this guy grows more physically repulsive, and I simply cannot stand to look at him

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Speaking of physical appearance … hell must have frozen over, because voters sent an attractive politician to Congress.  Thanks, Hawaii, for giving us Tulsi Gabbard (below).

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“I go to the gas station such a small amount, that I forget how to put gas in my car.” — Volt owner Elissa, above.

Let me get this straight:  Because this self-confessed idiot likes the Chevy Volt, I should run out and buy one, too?

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