The Grouchy Editor

“During sex with your father, is it considered cheating if you think of someone else?” — Joy Behar, mangling a viewer-submitted question (she meant to say “partner,” not “father”).

It’s possible that I might have butchered Behar’s mangled quote, just a bit.  Behar’s new network, Current TV, does not provide written transcripts of her show.  My point is this:  Who knew Jokin’ Joy is back with a new show?

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Prick of the Week:  Moneyball Author Michael Lewis

Rachel Maddow:  “Why do you think President Obama let you have this kind of access for eight months?”

Michael Lewis (author of a new book about Obama):  “It’s interesting because he never explained why it was that he let me tag along with him, which is what he did.”

Gee, Mr. Journalist, could it be because you violated reporting ethics, big time, by agreeing to let Obama veto any quotes he didn’t care for?

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I was watching one of those British mystery series, Midsomer Murders.  The killer turned out to be a young woman, the product of an illicit affair, who was upset because she wasn’t fully accepted by her family — the “Inkpens.”  Yes, folks, she was driven to kill because she really, really wanted to be an Inkpen.  Gotta love those British mysteries.

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“Well I hate to say this but I was right and the president was wrong.” — Bill O’Reilly, crowing about his “prediction” of trouble in Egypt.  Great work, Bill.  You, and only you, suspected that violence might once again rear its ugly head in the Middle East.

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Yes, there is another scandal involving England’s royal family.  According to at least one Web site, “Kate [Middleton] was spotted smoking a cigarette as the couple walked out of nearby Marseille airport, where they arrived on a commercial flight.”

This kind of behavior must end.  Cannot believe they are taking commercial flights!  And oh, yes, there are also naked pictures of Kate, taken apparently as she playfully mooned the photographer.

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And finally, since we are on the subject of sexy mammals …

Click here for the saddest love story since Romeo and Juliet

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Bill Maher issues “New Rules” for whatever happens to be ticking him off.  After suffering through two weeks of political bluster at the conventions, I have my own new rule:  No more mentioning your ancestors in political speeches.

I’m touched that your grandma raised 38 children and rode a mule-driven wagon to the marketplace, and I’m happy that your daddy rose heroically from shoe shiner to president of the Lions Club.  But what, exactly, does any of that have to do with you?

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“Why is that?  Why do we need to work?” — Greg Gutfeld, above, on The Five

Because if you didn’t work, you’d have time for introspection.  And if you had time for introspection, you might realize how you come off on The Five.  Like a sad, bitter little turd.

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“Europe is trying Republican-style austerity, and it’s driving them, literally, numerous countries, over the cliff.” — Democratic strategist Julian Epstein (above)

Unless the Italians have messed with Mount Vesuvius and the venerable volcano is erupting and steamrolling villages, then no, Europe is not “literally” driving countries over the cliff.

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Putin is in the news again, this time for ruminating about group sex and for hang gliding with wild cranes. Yet for my money, Putin’s strangest moment remains the day that he planted a kiss on a five-year-old boy’s belly.

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Yes, times are tough in the publishing world, but I’m tired of receiving “special double issues” of Entertainment Weekly.  A typical issue of EW contains about 80 pages.  A recent EW “special double issue” had 120 pages.  Do the math.

Next week, of course, there will be no issue at all.  I think it’s time to change your name to Entertainment Every Other Weekly.

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Fall TV Excitement!

“Take a deep breath, and lower your expectations.” — Producer Howard Gordon, warning Homeland fans about the show’s second season.  That sounds like a good idea.  A big part of season one’s appeal was the mystery of Sgt. Brody:  Was he a good guy or a bad guy?  The season finale pretty much answered that question.  So what do they do for an encore?

“[Networks] were all ‘Horror does not work.’ It does work.” — NBC producer Bryan Fuller.  Sure it does — on the big screen, not on the small one.  I enjoy American Horror Story (below) and The Walking Dead because they are freaky and creepy.  But there is one thing they are not:  frightening. I don’t know exactly why, but TV doesn’t do scary. Never has, probably never will.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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At times, I have trouble taking Ted Baxter … er, Scott Pelley, seriously.  It doesn’t help when Pelley wears jackets that, at a glance, seem to reveal his tiny yellow arms.

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Airheaded Anchor Comment of the Week:

“I’m supposed to say nude, but I’m going to say naked.” — HLN’s Richelle Carey, pictured above, discussing rumors about the emergence of more Prince Harry pictures.

Yes, because your viewers might struggle with the definition of a big word like “nude.”

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Michael Moore was on a Huffington Post podcast the other day.  Michael Moore should really think twice before wearing shorts on national podcasts.

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Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Sometimes the title of a show tells you everything that you need to know.

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Good job, TMZ, for placing that little red star over Prince Harry’s arse.  It does so much to preserve his modesty.

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Back in May, some idiot on this Web site ridiculed CNN for speculating about a hurricane striking Florida during the Republican National Convention.  Idiots do not get fired at The Grouchy Editor, they get promoted, so yes, he’s still here.

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Come on, voters.  Can’t we show Richie Rich that, at least this one time, money can’t buy everything?

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Animal-rights activists are up in the air … er, up in arms because someone duct-taped a turtle to helium balloons and then launched the little fellow.  I don’t know, I think if I were a turtle, I might enjoy the change of scenery.

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Someone is always trying to cut funding for poor PBS.  And frankly, with so many great science shows on cable, it’s getting harder to justify public broadcasting.

Maybe it’s a sign of (my) old age, but I’m digging the programming on channels like Discovery, Nat Geo, and Science, which is often jaw-dropping stuff.  Who needs MTV?

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“I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late-night television.”

Coming from the clown pictured above and below, should we take this quote from Rudy Giuliani as an endorsement of Joe Biden?

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I’m still waiting for Bernie Goldberg’s angry denunciation of media bias as it pertains to the birthday cake that Fox’s Chris Wallace presented to Paul Ryan (above).

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I’m tired of hearing about what a “nice guy” Ryan is.  We also hear how nice Mitt Romney is, and how nice President Obama is.  These guys are politicians — if they came off as snarling, sniveling jackanapes, what chance would they have of getting elected?

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This is why some journalists eschew television and go into print media, where they cannot be seen.

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We began this week’s review with a picture of the sun.  We end with a picture of the moon, courtesy of Katy Perry at a California water park.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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Great Minds Think Alike

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I can’t be bothered to read The Huffington Post commenting “guidelines,” because they are so obvious.  They must go something like this:

“It does not matter if your post is obscenity-free, threat-free, and libel-free.  If we don’t like it, we will censor it.”

I suspect that the Post dislikes me because I have the temerity to point out its typographical screw-ups.  Like this one:

So what did I post that caused “MotorcycleBoy” and the Huff Post editors to throw a tanrum?  This:

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And finally, odd post of the week, courtesy of Gawker:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

It’s August and the country is entering the home stretch of the 2012 presidential election.  We are being bombarded with vicious political sniping and snapping — and that’s just among cable-news anchors.

As things get even more foul-tempered on our way to November, this Grouch needed a break from politics.  So thank you, Sight & Sound, for choosing this week to announce your new list of “the greatest movies of all time.”

Wisconsin’s favorite fat man, Orson Welles, has been dethroned by England’s favorite fat man, Alfred Hitchcock, at the top of the list, which is a poll of international film critics that Sight & Sound conducts every ten years.  But is top-pick Vertigo really Hitchcock’s crown jewel?

I made my own list of the master’s five best movies.  My criterion was simple if unoriginal:  I imagined that I was stuck on the proverbial desert island, along with a video player and five Hitchcock flicks.  Which five do I choose, and in what order?

North by Northwest     It was a tossup between this Cary Grant classic and the more somber Vertigo, but I figured that if I am stuck on an island, then I am a very depressed puppy, and I would prefer a comic thriller to a drama about a sexually screwed-up cop.

If you enjoy today’s Bourne and Mission Impossible movies, you can thank Hitchcock, because this 1959 thrill ride inspired the James Bond movies, which in turn led to the Matt Damon and Tom Cruise vehicles.

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Vertigo     Earlier this year, Vertigo star Kim Novak made news when she expressed displeasure that The Artist had “borrowed” composer Bernard Herrmann’s score from this 1958 gem.  I think she should have considered it a compliment.  There was no better director-musician combo at work in the 1950s than Hitchcock-Herrmann, and Vertigo might be their best collaboration.  Oh … and the rest of the movie ain’t exactly chopped liver.

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Rear Window     When you think about it, the people in this near-perfect movie do some awfully peculiar things.  Middle-aged Jimmy Stewart, confined by a broken leg to a wheelchair, treats gorgeous Grace Kelly as if she is Thelma Ritter.  I take that back, because he is actually nicer to Thelma:  He allows her to give him back rubs.  Meanwhile, across the courtyard, gay actor Raymond Burr spends much of the film dressed like a slob and behaving like most heterosexual men:  bickering with his wife.  At least the dog is normal.

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Psycho     Frankly, I’m a little tired of this film.  That’s not a knock on the movie; I’ve simply seen it too many times over the years.  So I suppose if I’m really stranded on a desert island, I’d skip this shocker, just because I know it too well.  So let’s pretend that you are the person stuck on that island, and you’ve never seen Psycho.  It should be fourth on your list.

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And finally … The Birds?  Frenzy?  Notorious?  Strangers on a Train?  Regretfully, I will have to pick Lifeboat.  After all, I need something to get me off that damned island.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Olympics coverage is less than a day old, and already I’m tired of Michael Phelps.  If they gave out gold medals for ugly ….

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Quotes of the Week:

“I think what we’re seeing here is the danger of people who don’t know what they’re talking about, talking about things.”

and …

“I should point out:  None of us are qualified to talk about anything.  Anything.” — Andy Levy (above) during his “halftime report” on Fox’s Red Eye.

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Fox courter jester Greg Gutfeld chose Wednesday to brown-nose his leggy co-host on The Five, air-headed lawyer Kimberly Guilfoyle:

“When you talk about this stuff, it’s important, because you are in the legal field and you know what you’re talking about.”

Strange.  Barack Obama is a law professor, but I never hear Gutfeld deferring to him.  Also, see Andy Levy comments, above.

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Erin Burnett’s phone conversation with Islamic military leader Omar Hamaha:

Hamaha:  Yes, this is Omar.  Hello?

Burnett:  Hello.  Hello.

Hamaha:  Yes, what do you want?

Burnett:  Good morning.  Good morning.  Do you speak English?

Hamaha:  No, no.  French is it.

Burnett:  No, no.  I have — I have some help.  Yes, can you ask him, are they, are they hurting people?

Hamaha:  Listen, speak in French.  No, no.  Listen, I do not speak to a woman.  If you would like to speak to me, give me a man.  It is necessary to respect our religion.  We are — we do not speak to women.  Do you hear me?

Burnett:  CNN, Erin.  Hello, Omar?  Omar?

Only in a Muslim country like Mali would a man hang up on a hottie like Erin Burnett.

My apologies.  That is not a picture of Erin Burnett.  That is a picture of Erin’s co-worker at CNN, Brooke Baldwin.  I suppose I should remove that picture, but for some reason I don’t want to.  Here is a picture of Erin Burnett:

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Asswipes of the Week:

All major media that practice “quote approval,” in which politicians are allowed to doctor and sanitize news stories before publication.

This should be a huge story but, unsurprisingly, the media are downplaying it.  The Huffington Post calls it a “kerfuffle.”  You know, no more serious than two neighbors squabbling over the height of some shrubs.  But man … when “reputable” news organizations including the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Vanity Fair, The Huffington Post, and The Washington Post all admit to deliberately misleading the public, that’s not a “kerfuffle,” that’s a genuine scandal.

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The hullaballoo over Olympic uniforms, on the other hand, is a kerfuffle. It’s a minor scandal that generated more emotion from Harry Reid (above) than I’ve ever seen from the man.  What a ridiculous thing to get upset about.

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Approximately 90 people die every day in U. S. traffic accidents. Twelve people died Friday at a Batman movie in Colorado and, as usual, cable-news talking heads sunk to the occasion.  Some lowlights:

Bill O’Reilly used the tragedy to rail against … the high cost of babysitters!  This economic outrage, propagated by the lowest of the lowly 99 percent, is the reason that some couples took their infants to the PG-13, violence-laden movie, O’Reilly surmised.  Gotta hand it to Bill:  He’s the go-to-guy when you want to grasp the big picture.

Meanwhile, over at HLN, Dr. Drew anointed “heroes” of the movie-house massacre — even though most of the theatergoers were nothing more than “victims.”  Or “survivors.”

And then there was Rush Limbaugh (below), who earlier in the week had dubbed fans of the superhero movie “brain-dead people.”  In retrospect, an unfortunate word choice.

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Is this a great country, or what? (Part One)

Is this a great country, or what? (Part Two)

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Michele Bachmann, apparently upset over her recent lack of media exposure, is on a crusade to rid our country of evil Muslim extremists, a threat that Bachmann says has achieved “deep penetration” of the halls of government.  Some jerk seized on her quote:

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Penn State, debating whether or not to remove a statue of pedophile-enabler Joe Paterno, is obviously not serious about atoning for its role in the child-molestation scandal.  This should be a no-brainer:  Tear down the stupid statue and abolish your football program, pronto.  Anything short of that, and your “apology” is bogus.

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“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

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The Five celebrated its one-year anniversary.  At the end of Wednesday’s edition, discussion turned to Howard Stern’s admiration for the women who occupy the show’s “legs” chair.  I notice that Dana Perino (above) never sits in that chair.  I imagine that’s because she wants to be taken seriously.  But she was Bush’s press secretary, so how could anyone do that?

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I try to avoid Piers Morgan and his brown-nosing celebrity interviews, but on Wednesday I was afraid actor Robert Blake (top and above) might pull a snub-nosed revolver on poor Piers.  I am of two minds about this kind of interview.  On the one hand, it can be riveting stuff.  On the other hand, I can picture Morgan’s staff sitting around and thinking, “If we can just book more people with mental illness, like Robert Blake, our ratings will skyrocket.”

Perhaps Piers should book actor Nicolas Cage.  Once again, Cage is in the news for a bizarre episode, this time because a woman accidentally printed this picture of the harried thespian on her job application.

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Running of the bulls, my ass.  It’s the “running of the idiots.”

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How did Republicans manage to hijack the term “class warfare”?  Bill O’Reilly, with help from henchmen Charles “Strangelove” Krauthammer (above) and Dennis Miller, kicked and screamed about it all week.

Krauthammer:  “They [liberals] somehow imagine that the bounty of the past will continue.  They will be able to soak the rich and pay it [the deficit]  off.”

Miller:  “Why does he [Obama] always say ‘rich’ like it’s a four-letter word?  He’s gotta drop all this class warfare, for God’s sakes.”

O’Reilly:  “It must be class envy.”

Of course it’s class warfare.  The rich have been waging it on the middle class for decades.  And here’s a newsflash for “comic genius” Miller:  ‘Rich’ is a four-letter word.

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“I’m the real housewife of Minnesota.” — Janelle Pierzina (pictured at top), returning to the house on Big Brother.  Blond, beautiful, and Minnesotan … how can we not watch?

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