The Grouchy Editor

Olympics coverage is less than a day old, and already I’m tired of Michael Phelps.  If they gave out gold medals for ugly ….

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Quotes of the Week:

“I think what we’re seeing here is the danger of people who don’t know what they’re talking about, talking about things.”

and …

“I should point out:  None of us are qualified to talk about anything.  Anything.” — Andy Levy (above) during his “halftime report” on Fox’s Red Eye.

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Fox courter jester Greg Gutfeld chose Wednesday to brown-nose his leggy co-host on The Five, air-headed lawyer Kimberly Guilfoyle:

“When you talk about this stuff, it’s important, because you are in the legal field and you know what you’re talking about.”

Strange.  Barack Obama is a law professor, but I never hear Gutfeld deferring to him.  Also, see Andy Levy comments, above.

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Erin Burnett’s phone conversation with Islamic military leader Omar Hamaha:

Hamaha:  Yes, this is Omar.  Hello?

Burnett:  Hello.  Hello.

Hamaha:  Yes, what do you want?

Burnett:  Good morning.  Good morning.  Do you speak English?

Hamaha:  No, no.  French is it.

Burnett:  No, no.  I have — I have some help.  Yes, can you ask him, are they, are they hurting people?

Hamaha:  Listen, speak in French.  No, no.  Listen, I do not speak to a woman.  If you would like to speak to me, give me a man.  It is necessary to respect our religion.  We are — we do not speak to women.  Do you hear me?

Burnett:  CNN, Erin.  Hello, Omar?  Omar?

Only in a Muslim country like Mali would a man hang up on a hottie like Erin Burnett.

My apologies.  That is not a picture of Erin Burnett.  That is a picture of Erin’s co-worker at CNN, Brooke Baldwin.  I suppose I should remove that picture, but for some reason I don’t want to.  Here is a picture of Erin Burnett:

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Asswipes of the Week:

All major media that practice “quote approval,” in which politicians are allowed to doctor and sanitize news stories before publication.

This should be a huge story but, unsurprisingly, the media are downplaying it.  The Huffington Post calls it a “kerfuffle.”  You know, no more serious than two neighbors squabbling over the height of some shrubs.  But man … when “reputable” news organizations including the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Vanity Fair, The Huffington Post, and The Washington Post all admit to deliberately misleading the public, that’s not a “kerfuffle,” that’s a genuine scandal.

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The hullaballoo over Olympic uniforms, on the other hand, is a kerfuffle. It’s a minor scandal that generated more emotion from Harry Reid (above) than I’ve ever seen from the man.  What a ridiculous thing to get upset about.

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Approximately 90 people die every day in U. S. traffic accidents. Twelve people died Friday at a Batman movie in Colorado and, as usual, cable-news talking heads sunk to the occasion.  Some lowlights:

Bill O’Reilly used the tragedy to rail against … the high cost of babysitters!  This economic outrage, propagated by the lowest of the lowly 99 percent, is the reason that some couples took their infants to the PG-13, violence-laden movie, O’Reilly surmised.  Gotta hand it to Bill:  He’s the go-to-guy when you want to grasp the big picture.

Meanwhile, over at HLN, Dr. Drew anointed “heroes” of the movie-house massacre — even though most of the theatergoers were nothing more than “victims.”  Or “survivors.”

And then there was Rush Limbaugh (below), who earlier in the week had dubbed fans of the superhero movie “brain-dead people.”  In retrospect, an unfortunate word choice.

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Is this a great country, or what? (Part One)

Is this a great country, or what? (Part Two)

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Michele Bachmann, apparently upset over her recent lack of media exposure, is on a crusade to rid our country of evil Muslim extremists, a threat that Bachmann says has achieved “deep penetration” of the halls of government.  Some jerk seized on her quote:

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Penn State, debating whether or not to remove a statue of pedophile-enabler Joe Paterno, is obviously not serious about atoning for its role in the child-molestation scandal.  This should be a no-brainer:  Tear down the stupid statue and abolish your football program, pronto.  Anything short of that, and your “apology” is bogus.

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“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

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The Five celebrated its one-year anniversary.  At the end of Wednesday’s edition, discussion turned to Howard Stern’s admiration for the women who occupy the show’s “legs” chair.  I notice that Dana Perino (above) never sits in that chair.  I imagine that’s because she wants to be taken seriously.  But she was Bush’s press secretary, so how could anyone do that?

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I try to avoid Piers Morgan and his brown-nosing celebrity interviews, but on Wednesday I was afraid actor Robert Blake (top and above) might pull a snub-nosed revolver on poor Piers.  I am of two minds about this kind of interview.  On the one hand, it can be riveting stuff.  On the other hand, I can picture Morgan’s staff sitting around and thinking, “If we can just book more people with mental illness, like Robert Blake, our ratings will skyrocket.”

Perhaps Piers should book actor Nicolas Cage.  Once again, Cage is in the news for a bizarre episode, this time because a woman accidentally printed this picture of the harried thespian on her job application.

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Running of the bulls, my ass.  It’s the “running of the idiots.”

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How did Republicans manage to hijack the term “class warfare”?  Bill O’Reilly, with help from henchmen Charles “Strangelove” Krauthammer (above) and Dennis Miller, kicked and screamed about it all week.

Krauthammer:  “They [liberals] somehow imagine that the bounty of the past will continue.  They will be able to soak the rich and pay it [the deficit]  off.”

Miller:  “Why does he [Obama] always say ‘rich’ like it’s a four-letter word?  He’s gotta drop all this class warfare, for God’s sakes.”

O’Reilly:  “It must be class envy.”

Of course it’s class warfare.  The rich have been waging it on the middle class for decades.  And here’s a newsflash for “comic genius” Miller:  ‘Rich’ is a four-letter word.

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“I’m the real housewife of Minnesota.” — Janelle Pierzina (pictured at top), returning to the house on Big Brother.  Blond, beautiful, and Minnesotan … how can we not watch?

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Anderson Cooper, above left, finally came out of the closet and, with any luck, that will be the end of it.  I don’t think I can stomach it if Cooper decides to pull a Don Lemon (above right), bouncing excitedly from talk show to talk show, rejoicing in his gayness.  Lemon’s embarrassing display reminded me of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, declaring his love for Katie Holmes.

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Speaking of Tom and Katie … Us Weekly reports that “Cruise refused to let Holmes sign on for films with ‘sexually compromising scenes, largely because the Scientology folks objected.’”  I wonder what Tom and his nutball pals think of Katie’s topless appearance in The Gift.  Here is a picture from that movie, just to piss off the Scientologists:

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Lots of nostalgia this week about The Andy Griffith Show, and I feel certain that none of us will ever forget Andy’s finest moment on the big screen — the blowjob scene from 2009’s Play the Game (above).

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“Scientists are excited” … but nobody else is.  For a bunch of smart people, these scientists never seem to get it.  They don’t (or won’t) understand that every time they discover a smaller particle, a farther galaxy, a funkier theory, they still can’t answer the only question that really interests most of us:  What (or who) began everything?

It doesn’t help when scientists like Michio Kaku (above), the Asian dude who pops up everywhere, talk down to the public as if we are third-graders.  There’s a difference between making science accessible and being condescending.

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Quote of the Week

“And a tragedy on the president’s bus tour.  A woman dies just an hour and a half after the president eats at her restaurant.” — Wolf Blitzer on CNN.  Sad news, but I suppose it’s better than the president dying just an hour and a half after eating at her restaurant.

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And finally, here is Katie again, just to piss off the Scientologists:

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News Nincompoops

I tuned in Thursday for the Supreme Court’s big decision on Obamacare.  Little did I know, Aaron Sorkin had written scripts for all three of the cable-news networks.

9:10 —  CNN’s Kate Bolduan (above right) reported that the Supremes had struck down the act’s individual mandate.  Wolf Blitzer (above left) said that this was a tremendous blow for Obama.

9:10 — I flipped over to MSNBC, where the anchor was announcing a huge victory for Obama.   I flipped back to CNN.

Bolduan:  “So it appears as if the Supreme Court justices have struck down the individual mandate, the centerpiece of the health care legislation.”

Blitzer:  “What a setback … for the president, for the Democrats, those who supported this health care law.”

9:30 — Blitzer:  “This is a huge, huge win for the Obama administration.”

Not to be outdone by CNN, Fox News also screwed up the story — but in a fair and balanced way.

Thursday afternoon — Jeffrey Toobin (above) made excuses for CNN’s boner:  “Five minutes into Chief Justice Roberts’s opinion, [if] you would have asked anyone in that room whether this law was going to be held unconstitutional, I think we all would have said yes.”

Toobin must have been busy watching baseball on his laptop again, because no one at MSNBC said “yes.”

But MSNBC was hardly exempt from brain farts.  Chuck Todd (above) on Friday posed this question to Tom Brokaw:  “The legacy of  John Roberts now, will it always be this decision?  Until, of course, the next big decision?”

Meanwhile, over at HLN …

Certified lunatic Nancy Grace on Tuesday not once, but twice told viewers that a man had thrown his wife out of a car “on a high-speed Internet.”

That kind of thing never happens with dial-up.

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I’ve pouted that Entertainment Weekly doesn’t seem to care about me.  The magazine’s covers seem designed for gays, women, and teens, not necessarily in that order.  But not this week.  With Howard Stern (America’s Got Talent) and Charlie Sheen (Anger Management) both selling out to crap TV shows, at least we boorish, heterosexual males have one hero left (above).

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Contrary Opinion of the Week

There’s always at least one issue that pits me against 99.9 percent of the population.  This week, it’s the country’s over-the-top support for 68-year-old Karen Klein (above), the school-bus monitor who was harassed by teenage boys.  Yes, the boys’ behavior was inexcusable, and yes, they should be punished.  But if your job title is “school-bus monitor,” shouldn’t you be able to do a bit more than sit there like a bump on a log when the kids go nuts?

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“If you don’t like vaginas, this is not your TV show.” — Lawrence O’Donnell on his Monday show.

“We’ve got profanity and nudity, coming up.” — Lawrence O’Donnell on his Thursday show.

Someone at MSNBC must be urging Lawrence to boost his ratings.

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Perhaps we should rethink our system for naming hurricanes and storms.  “Tropical Storm Debby” fails to instill alarm in me.  It sounds too much like a giant cupcake spreading sweetness and joy along the coast.

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AMC’s The Killing took way too long to wrap up its whodunit, but, I’ll have to say, Sunday’s finale was wham-bam satisfying.

AMC is unsurpassed at sucking in fans, pissing them off, and then wooing them back.  You like Mad Men?  AMC will take it off the air for more than a year.  You a fan of The Killing?  AMC will frustrate you for a full year.  You watched Rubicon?  AMC enticed us with one brain-teasing puzzle after another on that show … and then cancelled it without resolving a thing.  Enjoy The Walking Dead?  AMC will put you to sleep for half a season … and then dish up a dynamic conclusion.

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Lawrence O’Donnell isn’t the only one at MSNBC using sex to sell a show.  The network announced a new roundtable series called The Cycle, to be co-hosted by male models and women who got leg.   However …

“Dear MSNBC:

Your show will not work with just pretty people.  You also need a Bob Beckel or a Joy Behar to keep things real.

Sincerely,

The Viewer”

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Isn’t it time to banish the term, “of course”?  If something is so obvious that you feel the need to preface it with “of course,” is the qualifier really needed?  Of course not.

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The U.S. Supreme Court wrote an opinion this week about a woman’s buttocks that was shown on network TV.  The Supreme Court was in favor of the buttocks.  In honor of that ruling, here is a gratuitous shot of actress Gemma Arterton’s buttocks:

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The Supreme Court said nothing about the debut of Shia LaBeouf’s penis in an online music video by Sigur Ros.  We can only assume that the justices were left speechless — not by Shia’s le beef, but by his appearance in pantyhose and a feather boa.

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Debbie Downer

I was in the mood for something fun and uplifting, like an astronomy show with lots of cool outer-space pictures.  So I tuned in Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking.  At the conclusion of the episode, Hawking announced that there is no God, no happy afterlife.

I watched a second episode.  At the end, Hawking said that there likely are aliens in space, but we’d better hope that they stay far away from us because they are probably aggressive and nasty and might try to exterminate us and gobble up our resources.

I turned off the television.  I was reminded of some dialogue snarled by James Brolin in The Amityville Horror:  “Don’t you have any GOOD news?”

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Piers Morgan interviewed the cast of TNT’s Dallas reboot.  Piers pointed out that during the original show’s run, viewers all over the world wanted to move to Dallas and get rich.

I moved to Dallas in 1980, during the height of the first series’s popularity.  I did not get rich.  I did, however, make one late-night drunken visit to Southfork.  A buddy and I hopped the Southfork fence, tip-toed over grass toward the famous ranch house … and were chased off the premises by an angry, barking dog.  There is a lesson, somewhere, in that story.

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Gripe 1:  Gravel-voiced George Zimmer (above) touting his stores in Men’s Wearhouse commercials.  Zimmer, apparently too cheap to hire professional advertising talent, is hell-bent on driving me nuts with his raspy, grating plugs.  If I ever run into him on the street, I will yank his beard and throttle him.  I guarantee it.

Gripe 2:  Those indecipherable “crawls” on the bottom of TV screens.  Cable news has them.  Baseball games have them.  Networks seem to believe that everyone owns a high-def, big-screen television.  If you don’t, good luck reading the tiny print.

Gripe 3:  I tried to watch Game 2 of the NBA finals but was reminded why I no longer watch much basketball.  Pro basketball is the only major sport that intentionally and consistently ruins the suspense of a game’s final moments by allowing an onslaught of timeouts — and therefore commercials — at the end of the game.  Tie game with 5 seconds to go?  Plenty of time for a Toyota commercial.  Or two.

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Bonehead Quote of the Week:

“If it wasn’t for rap [music], white people wouldn’t have been so open to vote for somebody like Barack Obama.” — Rapper Ice-T, pictured above with his wife’s ass, on The Today Show

That’s news to me.  I voted for Obama, but if I thought he was planning to replace “Hail to the Chief” with some rap crap, I would have left the country.

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Big (Red-Faced) Apple

I used to like New York City.  But lately, thanks to blowhard Donald Trump and midget Mike Bloomberg, the Big Apple’s image is taking a whipping.  Apparently, New Yorkers can banish super-sized soft drinks but not super-sized egos.

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Rachel Maddow, still smarting over election results in Wisconsin, launched into an attack on big money in politics.  Fine by me.  But Maddow chose the wrong target for her wrath:  Big Tobacco and the millions of dollars it spent in California to defeat an anti-smoker tax known as Proposition 29.  “Everyone” was in favor of this tax, whined Maddow, because its merits were “incontestable.”

Contest this, Rachel.  Before you leap into your next harangue against smokers, please explain the merits of your weekly glorification of alcohol, specifically your Friday-night “happy hours” in which you extol the virtues of mixed drinks.

Meanwhile, in a world gone mad, I found myself rooting for Ann Coulter, who on Fox’s Red Eye went to bat for nicotine addicts everywhere.  “Smokers get a lot of work done,” Coulter asserted.  Yes.  Unlike, say, people who drink too much.

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I was watching cable news the other day and someone said, “You know what they say about Oklahoma?  If you don’t like the weather, just wait a day!”

Thirty years ago, shortly after I moved to Texas, a city councilman named Harris Hill welcomed me to the Lone Star State with this information:  “You know what they say about Texas?  If you don’t like the weather, just wait a day!”

Since I moved back to Minnesota, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard, either on TV or in real life, “You know what they say about Minnesota?  If you don’t like the weather, just wait a day!”

Do they say this even in California?

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Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s 26-year-old “runaway bride,” has reunited with the old fart.  In case you’ve forgotten what Crystal looks like, here is a picture:

Former Hefner squeeze Kendra Wilkinson did not take the news lightly.  “I’m kind of ashamed.  I’m like, ‘Hef, what are you doing?’” Kendra sniffed, adding, “I don’t want him to be, like, caught up in this woman.”  In case you don’t recall what Kendra looks like, here is a picture:

And finally, in case you’ve forgotten what 86-year-old Hugh Hefner looks like …

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WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!

I suppose it’s in bad taste, but I want to chew on this Florida face-eating incident, just a bit more.  There are a lot of juicy nuggets and tasty tidbits related to this story, so please humor me if you find any of the following items hard to swallow:

Face-eater understatement No. 1, from Miami cop Javier Ortiz:  “It was very sad to see what happened to this gentleman that had his face eaten.”

Face-eater understatement No. 2, from Miami cop Armando Aguilar:  “In my opinion, he [victim Ronald Poppo] just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

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This Week’s Irritants

Standing ovations:  When you give standing ovations to all performers, no matter how mediocre or awful they might be, there is absolutely no motivation for the performers to excel.  Why should they, when they are treated like rock stars for average performances?  If it’s a so-so performance, go ahead and applaud — but keep your fat ass seated.

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Diet books:  I have never understood their popularity.  Throughout human history, there have been two ways to stay in shape, and two ways only:  portion control and exercise.  No fun at all, but the only way to stay slim.  And yet millions of people continue to waste money on these asinine books.

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CNN bimbo Alino Cho (the woman with a speck of dirt on her lip, above) did a report on the lurking dangers of … the office break room.  Seems there are lots of germs in break rooms.  Cho reported on a study paid for by Kimberly-Clark, which just happens to be a cleaning-products company.  Two thoughts come to mind:  1) Somehow, our ancestors conquered the New World, often subsisting on things like grubworms and wild berries.  With that perspective, the office break room fails to strike fear in my heart.  2) If Cho’s report frightens you, you’d better damn well vote for the Democrats, because Republicans are anti-regulation, including, presumably, health regulations.

No Kimberly-Clark products for these folks.

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CNN reported on something that might or might not be a story, maybe in August, but maybe not, possibly in Florida, but possibly not.  CNN asked this burning question:  What if a hurricane hits Florida during the Republican National Convention in August?

Oh, gosh.  What if lightning strikes me as I sit here typing on this ke–

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Bill Clinton caught hell for posing with porn stars (above).  But seriously … aren’t these women, presumably hard-working taxpayers, better citizens than the Wall Street fat cats who usually pose for pictures like this?

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I am in an especially foul mood today, because it was a sad week for disco.  Yes, you heard me:  I said IT WAS A SAD WEEK FOR DISCO.  We lost Donna Summer and a Bee Gee.  In my humble opinion, disco, that much-maligned musical marvel of the ’70s, was topped only by The Beatles in toe-tapping excellence.  Love to love you, baby.

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