Monthly Archives: June 2012

Bloomberg

 

Big (Red-Faced) Apple

 

I used to like New York City.  But lately, thanks to blowhard Donald Trump and midget Mike Bloomberg, the Big Apple’s image is taking a whipping.  Apparently, New Yorkers can banish super-sized soft drinks but not super-sized egos.

 

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Maddow3

 

Rachel Maddow, still smarting over election results in Wisconsin, launched into an attack on big money in politics.  Fine by me.  But Maddow chose the wrong target for her wrath:  Big Tobacco and the millions of dollars it spent in California to defeat an anti-smoker tax known as Proposition 29.  “Everyone” was in favor of this tax, whined Maddow, because its merits were “incontestable.”

Contest this, Rachel.  Before you leap into your next harangue against smokers, please explain the merits of your weekly glorification of alcohol, specifically your Friday-night “happy hours” in which you extol the virtues of mixed drinks.

Meanwhile, in a world gone mad, I found myself rooting for Ann Coulter, who on Fox’s Red Eye went to bat for nicotine addicts everywhere.  “Smokers get a lot of work done,” Coulter asserted.  Yes.  Unlike, say, people who drink too much.

 

*****

 

I was watching cable news the other day and someone said, “You know what they say about Oklahoma?  If you don’t like the weather, just wait a day!”

Thirty years ago, shortly after I moved to Texas, a city councilman named Harris Hill welcomed me to the Lone Star State with this information:  “You know what they say about Texas?  If you don’t like the weather, just wait a day!”

Since I moved back to Minnesota, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard, either on TV or in real life, “You know what they say about Minnesota?  If you don’t like the weather, just wait a day!”

Do they say this even in California?

 

*****

 

Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s 26-year-old “runaway bride,” has reunited with the old fart.  In case you’ve forgotten what Crystal looks like, here is a picture:

 

Harris

 

Former Hefner squeeze Kendra Wilkinson did not take the news lightly.  “I’m kind of ashamed.  I’m like, ‘Hef, what are you doing?’” Kendra sniffed, adding, “I don’t want him to be, like, caught up in this woman.”  In case you don’t recall what Kendra looks like, here is a picture:

 

Kendra

 

And finally, in case you’ve forgotten what 86-year-old Hugh Hefner looks like …

 

Hefner2

 

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Prometheus1

 

Well, at least he gave it the old college try.  Ridley Scott, the man who gifted us with the sci-fi classics Alien and Blade Runner, is back at age 74 to see if he can’t make it a triple treat.

Prometheus has most of the requisite ingredients:  top-notch actors, state-of-the-art special effects and, from Scott himself, energetic pacing and some memorable set pieces.  But his movie suffers from that old bugaboo, a lackluster script.

The film contains a surprising amount of recycled, stale material, both from the Alien franchise and from myriad other science-fiction films.  Scott, rather than capitalize on what made his own Alien so good — creepiness, claustrophobia, and characters — instead borrows from its sequel, James Cameron’s Aliens, with its emphasis on action and special effects.  Instead of great Scott, we get so-so Cameron.

 

Prometheus2

 

When I think back to the original Alien, I think of Sigourney Weaver’s “Ripley” battling both male chauvinism and interstellar horrors.  When I think back to Blade Runner, I think of Rutger Hauer’s replicant, feeling the rain stream down his cheek, smiling wistfully, and saying, “Time … to die.”  There are no such memorable characters or moments in Prometheus.

There are, however, dazzling sets and kick-ass effects.  The $120 million budget and spectacular European scenery are put to good use.

As in the original Alien, this film begins with a small crew on a mission to deep space.  Ancient rock drawings, discovered in a cave on Earth, appear to depict a star map, and so a hybrid crew of scientists and at least one evil corporate-type is dispatched to discover the map’s message.  Or, at least some of them are.  If that sounds familiar, that’s because it is.

 

Prometheus3        Prometheus4

 

The movie does raise intriguing questions.  Did life originate on Earth, or was it brought here?  Do we share DNA with life elsewhere in the universe?  Is “God” benevolent, hostile, or even godlike?

Films like Contact dealt with these issues intelligently.  Expecting Ridley Scott, or anyone, to come up with answers to those questions is, of course, expecting too much.  But I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect a bit more originality from this movie.  Or some characters worth remembering.        Grade:  B

 

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Director:  Ridley Scott   Cast:  Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender,  Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, Guy Pearce, Logan Marshall-Green, Sean Harris, Rafe Spall, Emun Elliott, Benedict Wong, Kate Dickie  Release:  2012

 

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Revanche1

 

In recent years, just about every Hollywood thriller is expected to have “the twist.”  At some point near the climax of the film, we discover that nothing is as it seemed, or no one is as we thought.

Problem is, very few of these twists hold up to scrutiny.  Most of them are ridiculous or, at the very least, implausible.  I walked out of The Sixth Sense in 1999 and thought to myself, “Wow — they really got me!”  Today, I generally soak in the obligatory twist and think, “What a load of bunk!”

There are twists in the Austrian thriller Revanche, but they are so subtle, so realistic and organic, flowing naturally from events and characters, that they really shouldn’t be called “twists.”  They are unexpected dramatic turns.

The plot:  An ex-con brings his girlfriend along as he robs a bank.  Tragedy ensues.  The action shifts to the countryside, where the robber takes refuge with his elderly grandfather, who happens to be neighbor to a cop and the cop’s unhappy wife.

What follows is slow-paced by Hollywood standards, yet it’s always absorbing — and often unexpected.       Grade:  B+

 

Revanche2

 

Director:  Gotz Spielmann   Cast:  Johannes Krisch, Irina Potapenko, Andreas Lust, Ursula Strauss, Johannes Thanheiser, Hanno Poschl   Release:  2008

 

Revanche3 Revanche4

 

Watch Trailers  (click here)

 

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Waltz1

 

How to Make a Movie That Will Alienate Men

 

  • Your story should be about a woman (Michelle Williams) who is torn between two lovers:  a solid-but-dull husband (Seth Rogen), and an unattached male model– er, “artist” (Luke Kirby), living next door.
  • To antagonize the straight males in your audience, make sure that both the husband and the lover boy have annoying and/or ludicrous personal traits, so that we don’t want to identify with either of them.  For example, depict the husband as a man-child who enjoys speaking baby talk to his wife and whose idea of foreplay is similar to that of Little Billy Brat back in third grade, the kid who enjoyed pulling girls’ pigtails.
  • Include a scene in which women receive “aqua fitness” instruction from a Richard Simmons wannabe.
  • Just to be mean, include a shower scene in which Williams and sexy comedienne Sarah Silverman are completely nude, and then — just when you finally have the attention of your male audience — sabotage the whole thing by tossing in full-frontal nudity by a group of elderly, obese actresses.
  • Create a cute, cloying occupation for the moon-faced lover boy.   Lover boy is an artist and therefore must be “sensitive.”  But he must also eat.  To put vittles on his plate, give lover boy a part-time job — hauling a rickshaw.  In Toronto.  In Canada.

 

Waltz2

 

  • Include pretty pictures of things like lighthouses, sunsets, and painted toenails.  Especially the painted toenails.
  • Include dialogue like this:  “Sometimes I’m walking along the street, and a shaft of sunlight falls in a certain way across the pavement, and I just wanna cry.”
  • Or like this:  “I just kissed the top of your head, ever so gently, and then I kissed your eyelids and they fluttered underneath my lips … just a little.”
  • Include not one, but two scenes in which the wife — apparently as a test to find out how much her two men love her — sits down on a toilet and pees in their presence.  In the only instance in this movie in which both males display good sense, they both walk out on her.

 

I didn’t say much about the plot.  Williams’s young wife feels trapped after just five years in her marriage to loyal puppy Rogen.  Will they live  happily ever after, or will life interfere?

Hold on … that was also the plot of Williams’s 2010 film, Blue ValentineBlue Valentine was a great movie about a young couple going through a dreadful time.  Take This Waltz is a dreadful movie about a young couple (and heterosexual men in the audience) going through a dreadful time.           Grade:  D+

 

Waltz3

 

Director:  Sarah Polley   Cast:  Seth Rogen, Michelle Williams, Sarah Silverman, Jennifer Podemski, Luke Kirby, Aaron Abrams, Vanessa Coelho, Graham Abbey  Release:  2012

 

Waltz4

 

                                                 Watch Trailers  (click here)

 

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Panic

 

Sure looks good on paper:  a thriller starring Jodie Foster and directed by David Fincher.  Alas, Panic Room will likely not go down in film history as the pinnacle of either hotshot’s career.  And yet second-tier work from Fincher and Foster is still worth checking out.  Watch it for free by clicking here.

 

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WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!

                              Face1

 

I suppose it’s in bad taste, but I want to chew on this Florida face-eating incident, just a bit more.  There are a lot of juicy nuggets and tasty tidbits related to this story, so please humor me if you find any of the following items hard to swallow:

 

Face-eater understatement No. 1, from Miami cop Javier Ortiz:  “It was very sad to see what happened to this gentleman that had his face eaten.”

Face-eater understatement No. 2, from Miami cop Armando Aguilar:  “In my opinion, he [victim Ronald Poppo] just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

 

                                                                Face2

 

Editors at The Huffington Post seem to think that if you include the word “naked” in your headline, people will pay attention:

 

Head

          

    Post

 

Above, the most popular stories on The Huffington Post.  Who needs The Walking Dead when we’ve got all this to digest?

 

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   Martha1         ?????????????????

 

From Parade:

Question:  Does Martha Stewart ever order takeout?

Answer:  “Oh, I never do!” says Stewart, 70.  “I can’t remember the last time I ordered in a pizza.  I will either eat out in a very good restaurant or I will cook.”

Not sure why Parade didn’t ask Stewart about prison food.  Didn’t she have to “order in” pretty much every day when she was behind bars?

 

*****

 

Edwards2                 TO GO WITH AFP STORY: US-VOTE-2008-MARRI

 

Lots of outrage over the John Edwards trial.  I’m not about to defend Edwards’s behavior.  However … didn’t anyone read the book Game Change?  Elizabeth Edwards, who is portrayed as a saintly victim in many media reports, comes across in the book as an ill-tempered, unstable harridan.

I am reminded of Jack Lemmon’s old movie, How to Murder Your Wife.  In the final act, Lemmon asks a pal if, given the opportunity to simply push a button and make his wife disappear, he would push it.  If I was Edwards, I would have pushed that button.

 

*****

 

I’m tired of hearing about “urban legends.”  Aren’t there any good rural legends?

 

***** 

                                Money

 

Author Janet Evanovich finally got a movie produced, based on one of her books.  One for the Money was savaged by critics, bombed at the box office, and currently has a 2% “fresh” rating at Rotten Tomatoes.  So I’m guessing that when Evanovich blogged about attending the premiere of the film, she didn’t intend for her comments to sound, well, quite the way they sound:

“The premiere for One for the Money, the movie, was last night in New York City.  It was pretty exciting!” she gushed.  “And just so you know, it’s not all glamorous … my eyes didn’t swell up and break out until after I saw the movie.”

 

*****

 

Bonehead Quote of the Week:

 

“Don’t you worry about the optics of this, you as a doctor?”

— CNN resident idiot Sanjay Gupta, expressing his disapproval to a doctor who dared to oppose Proposition 29, a new tax on smokers up for a vote this week in California.  Gupta, in the guise of objective journalist, acknowledged that he is on the board of directors of an anti-tobacco foundation.   I guess he’s not concerned about the “optics” of that.

 

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Tell

 

Tell No One     A so-so thriller from France.  Eight years after losing his wife, a pediatrician (Francois Cluzet) finds himself on the run from cops and bad guys.  There are a few dazzling scenes, but Cluzet is no Cary Grant and it’s a bad sign when, near the end of the film, one character must take 10 minutes of screen time to explain the convoluted plot.  Release:  2006  Grade:  B-

 

*****


Woman

 

The Woman in Black     Daniel Radcliffe encounters clichés and deafening sound effects in a plodding, derivative ghost story.  Radcliffe plays a lawyer dispatched to work at an old dark house, where he hears things that go bump in the night, sees shapes that do not seem all right, and delivers a jolly good fright — just kidding.  If there are “starter movies” for kids itching to see their first spooky film, this might be tame (or lame) enough to qualify.  Release:  2012  Grade:  C-

 

*****

                                      War

 

The War Room     Probably of interest mainly to politics junkies and die-hard Democrats, this “fly on the wall” documentary is hampered by the fact that everyone on camera is acutely aware of that fly on the wall.  The result is reality TV, politics-style:  not particularly insightful, but an entertaining time capsule.  How much you enjoy the film — ostensibly about the 1992 Clinton campaign, but really The James Carville Show — will depend on whether campaign manager Carville amuses or irritates you.  He amused me, but only to a point.  Release:  1993  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Chronicle

 

Chronicle     It’s a bird, it’s a plane … it’s Carrie meets Son of Flubber.  Or possibly Christine meets Spider-Man.  At any rate, a Stephen King sensibility permeates this silly-but-entertaining romp.  Chronicle follows three Seattle teens who develop telekinetic powers after encountering a mysterious force buried in the ground.  Fun stuff, but it’s time for Hollywood to dump the shaky amateur-cam, which by now is less realistic than distracting.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Skin

 

The Skin I Live In     Crazed plastic surgeon Antonio Banderas has bad luck with women, to put it mildly, and the result is two hours of non-stop unpleasantness, populated with characters who are emotionally dead, psychotic, or both.  If you’re going to make a movie about death, rape, and revenge, it would help if you include at least one sympathetic character.  But the film does look pretty.  Release:  2011  Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Lars

 

Lars and the Real Girl     An original idea marred by some exceedingly stupid scenes.  Mentally ill Ryan Gosling orders an Internet-era version of Harvey the invisible rabbit, a sex doll named “Bianca,” and everyone in town humors him by playing along with his fantasy — including the entire staff of a hospital emergency room.  Yeah, right.  But there are some charming moments, and Paul Schneider is a hoot as Gosling’s exasperated older brother.  Release:  2007  Grade:  C+

 

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