The Grouchy Editor

This Week’s Irritants

Standing ovations:  When you give standing ovations to all performers, no matter how mediocre or awful they might be, there is absolutely no motivation for the performers to excel.  Why should they, when they are treated like rock stars for average performances?  If it’s a so-so performance, go ahead and applaud — but keep your fat ass seated.

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Diet books:  I have never understood their popularity.  Throughout human history, there have been two ways to stay in shape, and two ways only:  portion control and exercise.  No fun at all, but the only way to stay slim.  And yet millions of people continue to waste money on these asinine books.

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CNN bimbo Alino Cho (the woman with a speck of dirt on her lip, above) did a report on the lurking dangers of … the office break room.  Seems there are lots of germs in break rooms.  Cho reported on a study paid for by Kimberly-Clark, which just happens to be a cleaning-products company.  Two thoughts come to mind:  1) Somehow, our ancestors conquered the New World, often subsisting on things like grubworms and wild berries.  With that perspective, the office break room fails to strike fear in my heart.  2) If Cho’s report frightens you, you’d better damn well vote for the Democrats, because Republicans are anti-regulation, including, presumably, health regulations.

No Kimberly-Clark products for these folks.

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CNN reported on something that might or might not be a story, maybe in August, but maybe not, possibly in Florida, but possibly not.  CNN asked this burning question:  What if a hurricane hits Florida during the Republican National Convention in August?

Oh, gosh.  What if lightning strikes me as I sit here typing on this ke–

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Bill Clinton caught hell for posing with porn stars (above).  But seriously … aren’t these women, presumably hard-working taxpayers, better citizens than the Wall Street fat cats who usually pose for pictures like this?

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I am in an especially foul mood today, because it was a sad week for disco.  Yes, you heard me:  I said IT WAS A SAD WEEK FOR DISCO.  We lost Donna Summer and a Bee Gee.  In my humble opinion, disco, that much-maligned musical marvel of the ’70s, was topped only by The Beatles in toe-tapping excellence.  Love to love you, baby.

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I’m going to make a point of watching American Masters.  Monday’s biography of Johnny Carson was tremendous — enlightening, and more than a bit sad. You can watch it for free at the PBS Web site.

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It must have been a slow news week for MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell, who on Wednesday went after Fox News court jester Greg Gutfeld.  Gutfeld raised O’Donnell’s hackles by making fun of chef Mario Batali, who was living on a food-stamp budget to protest potential cuts to the program.

“Kinda makes you wonder what the ‘Greg Gutfeld Foundation’ has done lately,” O’Donnell raged.  “These people [Gutfeld and his guests on Red Eye] think Mario Batali deserves to be slapped around.”

Gutfeld is a quick-witted little twerp, but he’s often guilty of the same ploy he accuses Bill Maher of using:  blurting out some vile comment and then playing the “comedian card.”

However … unlike the independent Maher, Gutfeld also plays shameless kiss-ass for his masters at Fox, in particular Bill O’Reilly.

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I don’t think Entertainment Weekly much cares if it appeals to people like me.  The cover this week features Channing Tatum and his male stripper pals.  EW’s second major story this week is about a woman who designs costumes.  This is not manly material.

I would return to Newsweek or Time, but Time has a breast-feeding teenager and Newsweek has a homosexual politician on their covers.

Perhaps Playboy.  Does Playboy still publish a magazine?

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People magazine paid $800,000 for pictures of Jessica Simpson’s baby.  This is a picture of a baby:

Many newborns in the animal kingdom are cute, such as puppies and bunnies.  Human babies all look the same — ugly, wrinkled, and like Winston Churchill.  And yes, that includes your baby.

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Maddow, Cooper Moving On

Count me among those surprised observers when, in the wake of revelations about Mitt Romney’s bullying of a gay student when both were in high school, Anderson Cooper announced plans to leave his lucrative anchor job at CNN to join Romney’s presidential campaign.  Cooper’s decision was nearly as eye-opening as the announcement earlier this week by Rachel Maddow that she will be leaving her post at MSNBC to join the fact-checking gang at PolitiFact.com.   Good luck to both of you!

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Smart people seem to get more respect in England than they do in this country.  In Britain, people turn on the telly to watch a tall, scrawny guy who is virginal, a genius in his profession, and a social misfit.  This is what he looks like:

In the U.S., we turn on the telly to watch a tall, scrawny guy who is virginal, a genius in his profession, and a social misfit.  This is what he looks like (on the left):

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This is a picture of Howard Stern.  He didn’t do anything particularly newsworthy this week, but next week Stern begins his stint as a judge on America’s Got Talent.  I have a feeling he will be gracing these pages from time to time, so get used to seeing his mug.

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I’ve been curious about how Fox News managed to talk liberal stalwart Bob Beckel into taking a seat at the table on The Five.  Beckel is forever outnumbered and out-sniped by his four conservative co-hosts.  But then I realized that someone at Fox was clever enough to ensure that Beckel is always seated right next to the “legs chair.”

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The governor of my state actually thanked Snidely Whiplash, aka Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, for blackmailing Minnesota taxpayers into building a new stadium for his team.

Wilf rhymes with MILF.  But’s it’s not Zygi who’s getting screwed.

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