Pretty Boys, Pansies, and Penises
Hollywood scuttlebutt says Johnny Depp has been tapped to play Nick Charles in a remake of the classic screwball mystery, The Thin Man. This seems wrong on so many levels.
I like Johnny Depp. I think he’s a fine actor. But casting him as ladies man Nick Charles is like casting Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Danny DeVito’s twin brother. Hold on. That’s a bad example.
William Powell (above, with Myrna Loy) was the definitive Charles in the 1930s-’40s detective series. Powell was a fast-talking smoothie who looked just right with a Scotch in one hand and wife Nora in the other. He was a suave “man’s man” who mixed well with both high society and his ex-con buddies.
Depp is … soft. He is many things, including attractive to women, but macho he ain’t. Look at the pictures below. Does Depp look more likely to steal your wife — or your boyfriend? Uh-huh.
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CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (above) lost it last weekend when a woman named Laura Saunders introduced Fredricka to a chicken.
Saunders: “And that’s my rooster — little pecker.”
Whitfield: “Funny, foul language always welcome!”
The rooster reminded me of Johnny Depp.
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Speaking of little peckers, we were treated this week to the following exchange between two adults in the room, Gloria Allred and Donald Trump:
Gloria: “[A transgendered beauty contestant] didn’t ask Mr. Trump to prove he’s a naturally born man, or see photos of his birth, or to view his anatomy.”
Donald: “I think Gloria would be very, very impressed with me.”
Gloria: “I don’t have a magnifying glass strong enough to see something that small. The world does not revolve around his penis.”
Allred is one of America’s pre-eminent lawyers, and Trump would like to be president. Feel better about the future of our country?
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James Van Der Beek is back, starring on some ABC sitcom. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a fan of his old show, Dawson’s Creek. Or maybe I am, since this clip from Dawson has popped up everywhere on the Internet.
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We are told that Ann Romney can relate to middle-class women because she raised five boys. With professional house-cleaning help. And with millions of dollars for things like health-care emergencies. Or any other emergencies.
Hang tough, Hilary Rosen, because you were right.
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