February 2010 – Page 2 of 2 – The Grouchy Editor

23Feb

A Perfect Getaway

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There is a method employed by veteran whodunit fans trying to guess, well, who done it. First, eliminate any obvious bad guys or, as one character in A Perfect Getaway dubs them, the “red snappers” (herrings). Then, concentrate on whomever is least likely to have committed the crime. If the author is skilled enough, he or she will still manage to fool you. Sometimes, the butler really does do it.

I was able to guess whodunit in A Perfect Getaway, but not too early in the game. The movie is skillfully done, its Hawaiian scenery is breathtaking, and the actors are also easy on the eyes, so surprise endings didn’t matter all that much.

And yet, the brains behind A Perfect Getaway violate a cardinal rule of the “big reveal” school of filmmaking: After the clever twist is unveiled, the film goes on … and on … and on. It’s as if Agatha Christie had Hercule Poirot reveal the killer’s identity, and then devoted the next 25 pages to anticlimactic backstory. Grade: C+

Director: David Twohy Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Milla Jovovich, Kiele Sanchez, Chris Hemsworth, Marley Shelton, Steve Zahn Release: 2009

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

20Feb

The Weekly Review: February 14 – 20

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Ozzie and Harriet OK, we’re all a little tired of this melodrama, but there are no “victims” in this soap opera. Certainly not golf fans, who were foolish enough to put Tiger on his pedestal. Not Woods’s wife, who had to know what she was getting into when she married the lunkhead. Not the mistresses, who will rake in big bucks from porn films, talk shows, and Gloria Allred lawsuits. As for Tiger himself, he will finish his “rehab” and go back to his enchanted golf career.

*****

Roger Ebert The esteemed film critic says he doesn’t want pity, but I feel I might owe him an apology. In the past, I have occasionally befouled the comments section of his Web site. Ebert would usually reply to my (sometimes drunken) rants, and he always did so in a civil tone. He’s a class act who really is a victim, unlike that boneheaded golfer pictured at top.

*****

Shutter Island There is just one thing missing from Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island: fun. The movie is gloomy, which is not the same as scary. On just a fraction of Scorsese’s budget, the makers of Paranormal Activity at least managed to produce a few chills.

*****

Kevin Smith No sympathy for this guy, who got booted off a Southwest Airlines flight because his booty was too big for one seat. I am a smoker, and I don’t recall the Kevin Smiths of the world standing up for us when we got the boot.

19Feb

The Weekly Review: February 7 – 13

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Going for the Gold They tell us that the Olympics are all about team spirit and patriotism, but are they really? I think that, at least for the Americans, they’re more about self-promotion. When I hear a report about Lindsey Vonn, I’m not thinking about sports, I’m wondering how long before she follows up Sports Illustrated with an appearance in Playboy.

*****

Cheap Thrills Ten years ago I made the mistake of believing the buzz about The Blair Witch Project, a low-budget horror flick that failed to horrify me. Now we have Paranormal Activity, another cheap chiller, and … surprise! It ain’t half bad.

*****

Down Home This is Willie Nelson in a coffin, I have no idea why.

18Feb

The Weekly Review: January 31 – February 6

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Taylor Swift I’m sorry, but when she performed live at the Grammys, I thought I was listening to Mercedes McCambridge doing her devil voice from The Exorcist. And people complain that the poor girl is being attacked?

Avatar Stop the talk about James Cameron’s Avatar setting box-office records. When you account for inflation, Avatar isn’t in the top five all-time earners — and neither is Titanic. What’s atop the list? Gone With the Wind.

Kathryn Bigelow Unlike Avatar, I’ve actually seen The Hurt Locker, which was … OK. It will be amusing to see which movie comes out on top at the Oscars, Bigelow’s overrated Western or ex-husband Cameron’s latest comic book.

Lost Yet another show I haven’t seen. Everyone is wondering how it will end. I am reminded of The X Files, and I believe it’s a lot easier to come up with bizarre plot threads than it is to actually resolve them.

J.D. Salinger For my money, one of the great intrigues of the 20th Century was the story of an author who, after penning a single literary masterpiece, pretty much dropped off the face of the media-hungry earth. But enough about Harper Lee.

Survivor Jeff Probst and his gang of half-naked idiots are once again gracing the CBS schedule, and some of us couldn’t be happier. There is nothing quite like pixelated breasts.

04Feb

Male Gazing: Midwest Girls Part 7

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No matter which city you live in (or near), if you are a horny male, at some point you’ve had thoughts about your local female news anchor. Naughty thoughts. Problem is, news anchors have codes of ethics. (Or at least they used to have ethics.) You are not likely to exchange naked pics with her on Snapchat.

Then again, there is such a thing as “leaked nudes” that were intended to be private.

The images below of Amelia are clearly fake.

Or are they?

Amelia

Some ladies hit 40 and are no longer “hittable.” Surely a poll of male viewers would show Amelia doesn’t have that problem.

If you’re not allowed to be naked on the news, how do you turn on your male friend? Flash him in the supermarket!

A smart local TV celebrity knows that when meeting fans in public, you should always give them something.

Above, when your fans want a picture, give them something memorable.

What is it with all this small-penis shaming?

I think we all know where that big black cock is going.

Last but certainly not least, a video:

04Feb

Male Gazing: No Protocol

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There is little more exciting than finding out that a girl who you think is sweet and wholesome — maybe even a bit prudish — actually has a wild side. Or perhaps she is naive and has allowed some sleazy dude to convince her that sex on camera will be “fun.” Doesn’t matter to the viewer; we are just happy to get some close-up looks at the girl’s goodies.

Which brings us to this cutie. The pictures and videos below appear in no particular order, because we have, ahem, no protocol for that sort of thing.

As usual, some of the images are apparently doctored — but not all of the images.

“Canuck”