Daily Archives: April 14, 2012

Pretty Boys, Pansies, and Penises




Hollywood scuttlebutt says Johnny Depp has been tapped to play Nick Charles in a remake of the classic screwball mystery, The Thin Man.  This seems wrong on so many levels.

I like Johnny Depp.  I think he’s a fine actor.  But casting him as ladies man Nick Charles is like casting Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Danny DeVito’s twin brother.  Hold on.  That’s a bad example.

William Powell (above, with Myrna Loy) was the definitive Charles in the 1930s-’40s detective series.  Powell was a fast-talking smoothie who looked just right with a Scotch in one hand and wife Nora in the other.  He was a suave “man’s man” who mixed well with both high society and his ex-con buddies.

Depp is … soft.  He is many things, including attractive to women, but macho he ain’t.  Look at the pictures below.  Does Depp look more likely to steal your wife — or your boyfriend?  Uh-huh.


Depp1    Depp2






CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (above) lost it last weekend when a woman named Laura Saunders introduced Fredricka to a chicken.

Saunders:  “And that’s my rooster — little pecker.”

Whitfield:  “Funny, foul language always welcome!”

The rooster reminded me of Johnny Depp.






Speaking of little peckers, we were treated this week to the following exchange between two adults in the room, Gloria Allred and Donald Trump:

Gloria:  “[A transgendered beauty contestant] didn’t ask Mr. Trump to prove he’s a naturally born man, or see photos of his birth, or to view his anatomy.”

Donald:  “I think Gloria would be very, very impressed with me.”

Gloria:   “I don’t have a magnifying glass strong enough to see something that small.  The world does not revolve around his penis.”

Allred is one of America’s pre-eminent lawyers, and Trump would like to be president.  Feel better about the future of our country?






James Van Der Beek is back, starring on some ABC sitcom.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a fan of his old show, Dawson’s Creek.  Or maybe I am, since this clip from Dawson has popped up everywhere on the Internet.




We are told that Ann Romney can relate to middle-class women because she raised five boys.  With professional house-cleaning help.  And with millions of dollars for things like health-care emergencies.  Or any other emergencies.

Hang tough, Hilary Rosen, because you were right.


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If I told you that this review was written by Zargon, a 10,000-year-old wooly mammoth that was recently discovered in Antarctica, unfrozen by scientists, and then taught typing skills by an English teacher, you’d have to admit that the possibility is fairly imaginative.  Hopefully, we could also agree that it’s a profoundly stupid claim.  But that’s what you get with The Cabin in the Woods — an imaginative but profoundly stupid horror movie.

Esteemed film critic Roger Ebert has written of Cabin’s plot, “You’re not going to see this one coming.”  With any luck, that’s because you’re a somewhat rational human being who expects at least a modicum of realism in your movies, even silly movies like this one.




Everything in Cabin is culled from countless kids-in-peril flicks of the past.  You already know the story:  Five kids party at an isolated cabin, where bad things happen to them.  The kids are all archetypes from other slasher movies, which isn’t entirely bad because it does mean we get an obligatory topless scene from one of the girls, this time courtesy of actress Anna Hutchison.

Much has been made of Cabin’s supposedly novel take on a tired genre, but imagination with no discipline is also what you get when a three-year-old draws pictures on the wall.  With his own poo.       Grade:  C


Cabin3 Cabin4

Cabin5 Cabin6


Director:  Drew Goddard   Cast:  Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker  Release:  2012




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