The Grouchy Editor

02Apr

Reviews in Short: April 2014

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Klown

This Danish road-trip comedy recalls old-fashioned American slapstick, the type of goofiness we used to get from Laurel and Hardy – but with one big difference: The sight gags, often hilarious, are also rated X. Danish TV comics Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen star as oil-and-water pals who embark on a male-bonding wilderness trip that goes awry thanks to their own ineptitude and a 12-year-old boy who tags along for the ride. Release: 2010 Grade: B

*****

Stained

Canadian actress Tinsel Korey plays a troubled bookseller going through hell at work and at home – but who, or what, is responsible for that hell? Stained tested my tolerance for the “it was only a dream” school of filmmaking, in which the viewer is never quite sure if what he sees happening is, in fact, really happening, and it doesn’t help that the first half of this psychological horror-show is slow. On the plus side, Korey is good as a woman who doesn’t handle stress particularly well. Release: 2010 Grade: B-

*****

The Woman

Well, The Woman ain’t boring. I’m not entirely sure what the movie is – black comedy, feminist revenge flick, unpleasant gorefest – because it’s a tonal mess, but it ain’t boring. Sean Bridgers plays Henry Higgins from Hell, a country lawyer named Cleek who keeps his family in check with a mix of condescension, threats, and old-fashioned whuppings. One fateful day Cleek spots a primitive woman in the wilds of Massachusetts (yes, apparently there are wilds in Massachusetts), decides to take her home with him, and then … I can’t explain it. But it ain’t boring. Release: 2011 Grade: B

*****

Passion

Thirty years ago, Brian De Palma was king of the erotic thriller. Today … not so much. It’s a shame because Passion is certainly watchable and bears De Palma’s distinctive visuals and soundtrack. But the story, in which a corporate cat-fight between executive Rachel McAdams and subordinate Noomi Rapace turns deadly, is confusing and illogical. In De Palma movies of yore such narrative lapses were both minor and overshadowed by the man’s dazzling direction. Not anymore. Release: 2012 Grade: C+

*****

Short Term 12

Looking for something that all of the critics love? Short Term 12 has a 99% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and for good reason. This little film about a handful of young counselors at a home for at-risk teens worried me at first, because it initially carries a whiff of Afterschool Special. Uh-oh, I thought, it’s one of those earnest “good for you” movies. But I was wrong. Unlike just about every other Hollywood release, Short Term 12 is neither cynical and snarky nor sappy and stupid. It’s smart and moving. And lead actress Brie Larson is a real standout. Release: 2013 Grade: A-

*****

20 Feet from Stardom

Stardom puts the spotlight on vocalists who came close to the music-industry brass ring but, either through hard luck or, in some cases, because they didn’t really want it, missed out on solo stardom. There is a lot of great music in this Oscar-winning tribute to backup singers – but not, really, all that much drama. Release: 2013 Grade: B-

*****

Jailbait

.

A quote in the ads for this film informs us that Jailbait is “in the vein of Orange Is the New Black.” Uh, no, it isn’t. It’s “in the vein” of trashy ’70s women-in-prison flicks like The Big Doll House. Mostly it’s just writer-director Jared Cohn filming his girlfriend, actress Sara Malakul Lane, in one degrading nude scene after another. Lane, who was about 30 when this was shot, plays a “juvenile” sent to a detention center for young girls, which of course entails rape, shower scenes, more rape, and lesbian sex. Lane does look good naked (she also looks 30), but unlike those ’70s B-movies, this jail drama is a bore. Release: 2013 Grade: D

29Mar

The Weekly Review: March 23 – 29

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Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled and then came unhinged, whining about the rigors of movie-star life. Gwyneth, shown hard at work above, is an ass. Good-looking ass, but an ass.

*****

I used to really dig the following shows, but lately … not so much:

American Horror Story. What went wrong: For its third season, creator Ryan Murphy decided to appeal more to teenage girls. I am not a teenage girl – usually.

The Walking Dead. What went wrong: The walking dead resemble drunken octogenarians, and drunken octogenarians do not frighten. But the zombies are veritable Mensa members compared to the dullard humans on this show, who engage in boring, earnest heart-to-hearts and then make stupid decisions.

The Americans. What went wrong: I’m not sure. I simply lost interest, although I might perk up if they resume featuring the fetching Annet Mahendru in nude scenes.

Sherlock. What went wrong: I suspect that the writers began to believe their own good press and, rather than concentrate on great scripts, decided that Cumberbatch Fever could carry the day. It can’t.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! What went wrong: Apparently the show went off the air in 2009. No wonder I lost interest.

*****

Quotes of the Week:

“I’m round, tired, grouchy, smelly and horny!” – Kendra Wilkinson (above) in her People magazine blog. I had no idea we have so much in common.

*

“You compared the reliance on these black boxes to using a VCR in the age of Netflix and streaming video.” – Wolf Blitzer discussing airplane “black boxes.” Not a great analogy, Wolf. I am forever enduring buffering issues with Netflix streaming video, a problem I never had with my good old VCR.

25Mar

The Round House

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by Louise Erdrich

Erdrich wins awards and is a critics’ darling, and there are aspects of her writing that I admire, but to me a lot of the prose in Round House – especially character motivations and behavior – does not ring true.

The protagonist is a 13-year-old Native American whose mother is raped, and so Erdrich is compelled to enter the boy’s head, but the result often reads like a middle-aged woman’s skewed idea of what teen boys think and do. I also didn’t buy her characterization of some of the adults: Episodes with a foul-mouthed, hunky Catholic priest are meant to be humorous but are just flat-out bizarre. On the plus side, the climactic scenes are powerful, and the depiction of life on a North Dakota reservation is colorful.

Some critics predict that this book will be thought of as an American-Indian To Kill a Mockingbird. I suppose this is because the story is told from a child’s point of view, the boy’s father is an Atticus Finch-like judge, and the plot includes rape, racial tensions, and social injustice. But To Kill a Mockingbird? Perhaps in theme, but certainly not in execution.

23Mar

The Weekly Review: March 16 – 22

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Beach Bums!

Like everyone else in America, I eagerly tuned in for the season premiere of Naked and Afraid. But I get confused by this show.

At times, survivalist poopers are on full display (above). At other times, editors blur out survivalist poopers (below). Is there a pooper-display quota at Discovery Channel? Someone must get to the bottoms of this.

Speaking of poopers, I’ve been concerned for the cameramen on CBS’ Survivor, keeping my fingers crossed that the boys would find an appropriate pooper on which to focus this season. For awhile, it seemed that the guys were ogling Lindsey Ogle (top of the page and the pooper above right), but I believe that they have instead opted for survivor Alexis Maxwell, whose pooper is presented below.

*****

Poor Anthony. You know you’re getting up in years when they make a biblical movie and cast you as Methuselah.

*****

Quotes of the Week:

“Vikings … is a visual feast of sweaty women with the physiques of Playboy Playmates. The scene of Princess Aslaug slowly undressing and lowering herself into the tub was a gift to us all.” – Entertainment Weekly

Just kidding. Here is what Entertainment Weekly actually wrote:

“Vikings … is a visual feast of sweaty men with the physiques of CrossFit coaches. The scene of Ragnar slowly undressing and lowering himself into the tub was a gift to us all.”

And so EW continues its crusade to eradicate one gender’s sexism in favor of … well, another gender’s sexism. Thank goodness that we here at the Weekly Review never engage in that sort of behavior.

*

“If this is true, this is a moment of understanding of nature of such a magnitude that it just overwhelms.” – Stanford University professor Andrei Linde discussing something about something. Whenever scientists claim that a new discovery will overwhelm us, you can be sure that the public reaction will be … underwhelming.

16Mar

The Weekly Review: March 9 – 15

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Other than some missing airplane near the Indian Ocean, there was no actual news this week. Therefore, we dedicate the week’s review to the art of Hieronymus Bosch.

*****

Miley Cyrus keeps getting relegated to the outer edge of Entertainment Gaily’s “Bullseye,” a graphic page that rates one’s cultural relevance/irrelevance/glory/disgrace by placing you either near the bullseye (good) or far away (bad). If you are a sexy female who appeals to heterosexual males, like poor Miley, you spend many weeks on the outer edge.

*****

09Mar

Art That Changed the World

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OK, it’s a “coffee-table book,” but it’s one lavishly illustrated coffee-table book. Art doesn’t go into much detail about individual painters or paintings – actually, it doesn’t go into much detail about anything – but as a guide to finding what you like so that you can find more of what you like, it’s a precious resource. Now, about that title … judging from the book’s content, the only “art that changed the world,” at least until recent years, was art produced in Europe. Oh, really?

08Mar

The Weekly Review: March 2 – 8

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This headline is just nuts.

*****

Bonehead Quotes of the Week:

“Our next guest says Putin could care less about violating international law.” – CNN’s Brianna Keilar. “Could care less”? Just shoot me now, please.

“Now they admit, Jon, they could be wrong about all of this.” – Fox’s John Roberts discussing the “experts” who link cancer to eating too much protein.

Pretty much everything that comes out of the mouth of Fox anchor Gretchen Carlson. I wish this bubblebrain would stop reminding viewers that she’s from Minnesota, because it’s a source of shame and embarrassment for those of us who still live there.

“Oprah is disgusting.” – Red Eye’s Andy Levy, speaking truth about Her Obesity and therefore not belonging on this list of boneheaded quotes.

*****

Speaking of Minnesota, we have had 50 days with subzero temperatures this winter. It will be a cold day in hell before you catch me watching this Nat Geo series.

*****

Monitoring Twitter feeds during the Oscars would have been beyond depressing, were it not for the amusing banter of these two knuckleheads:

Oh, and Rose McGowan was also entertaining:

*****

The Huffington Post is still seeking a good proofreader:

An hour later:

*****

Apparently, renowned practical joker Vladimir Putin once tested dog-phobic Angela Merkel’s self-control by producing a black Labrador during a meeting with the German chancellor. I would suggest that the next time they meet, Merkel test Putin’s self-control by producing a bunch of shirtless little boys.

02Mar

Reviews in Short: March 2014

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Excision

It might test your tolerance for gross-out visuals, and I thought the ending was lame, but the witty horror-comedy Excision is also an amusing battle of wills between teenage social outcast Pauline (AnnaLynne McCord) and her mother, the uber-controlling Phyllis (Traci Lords). Marlee Matlin, Ray Wise, Malcolm McDowell and John Waters lend support. Release: 2012 Grade: B

*****

Page One

A real treat for journalism junkies, but as a documentary about the New York Times, Page One crams an awful lot of material into a 90-minute slot. We get: 1) the demise of print media, 2) the rise of new media, 3) highlights of the Times’s illustrious past, and 4) a mini-biography of colorful media reporter David Carr. But if you are a journalism junkie, it’s all newsworthy stuff. Release: 2011 Grade: B+

*****

A Hijacking

As I watched A Hijacking, a Danish thriller about Somali pirates who confiscate a cargo ship and its crew, I kept thinking, “That’s believable … yeah, I buy that.” The hostage-taking and subsequent ransom negotiations with the head of the company that owns the ship were super-realistic – but that’s a problem for the movie: Watching stone-faced businessmen conduct hostage talks as if they are mulling stock options does not make for gripping drama. Release: 2012 Grade: B-

*****

Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Sometimes movies like this can be campy good fun. Other times, you should just read the title and run. Nude Nuns with Big Guns – you decide. As for me, I am obviously spending too much time on Netflix. Release: 2010 Grade: D

*****

Inequality for All

Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, all 4 feet 10 inches of him, makes the case that there is indeed class warfare in the United States, but it’s being waged on the middle class, not by it. Skyrocketing income inequality is territory already covered in other films like 2012’s Park Avenue, but if you’re new to the issue, Reich is an engaging messenger – even if the message he bears is maddening. Release: 2013 Grade: B+

*****

The Wolf of Wall Street

Watching the misbehaving clods in The Wolf of Wall Street is a bit like being the only sober person surrounded by drunks at a bar: Everyone but you is having a good time. Martin Scorsese’s biography of con artist Jordan Belfort is voyeuristically entertaining, in a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous kind of way, but it’s also too long and the lesson – crime doesn’t pay – isn’t exactly big news. Less than an hour into this sex-and-drug-fueled marathon, I pretty much wanted everyone on screen to go to prison. There is, however, one great scene in which Leonardo DiCaprio learns what happens when you ignore the instructions on a bottle of pills. Release: 2013 Grade: B-

01Mar

The Weekly Review: February 23 – March 1

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With anemic ratings, I suppose MSNBC can’t be blamed for diversifying its programming, but this new sitcom about three liberals trying to kick smoking habits in London seems in bad taste.

*****

If I was that ugly, I’d wear a mask in public, too.

*****

The Red Road: Jason Momoa (above) exudes charismatic menace; he’s an Arnold Schwarzenegger who can act. But despite Momoa’s hulking presence and an atmosphere dripping with sweat and crickets, I’m thinking something more needs to actually happen on this show.

*****

“The smartest folks I know in just about every academic or policy field, don’t tweet, blog, or actively appear in the media.” – Micah Zenko of the Council on Foreign Relations

For those of us who regularly watch the blithering idiots on CNN, Fox, and MSNBC, this is the most heartening news of the week. Thank God that America’s brightest minds are not the nattering nabobs of cable news.

28Feb

Blue Is the Warmest Colour

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Please don’t misunderstand: I’m just as thrilled as the next Al Bundy to watch attractive young actresses in the buff. (Who am I trying to kid – I’m probably more thrilled than Al Bundy.) But after suffering through the interminably dull, critically adored, After School Special called Blue Is the Warmest Colour, I was ready for something a bit more stimulating, such as a pile of needlework and an episode of Murder, She Wrote.

Blue, now streaming on Netflix and Amazon, won the Palme d’Or at last year’s Cannes Film Festival and enjoys a 90 percent “fresh” rating on the Web site, Rotten Tomatoes. This near-universal acclaim mystifies me. I would chalk it up to the fact that most film critics are horny, middle-aged men, were it not for the fact that I am a horny, middle-aged man (well, sometimes).

This overhyped, NC-17 version of Dawson’s Creek does have a few positive attributes:

The lead actress, Adele Exarchopoulos, is cute, in a Bugs Bunny-overbite kind of way. She is fine as a French high-school girl discovering adulthood and sexuality courtesy of an older lesbian, played by Lea Seydoux, who is superb. Both actresses excel at the actual craft of acting and at performing pornographic, lesbian “scissors” techniques in bed.

No, the fault here lies with director Abdellatif Kechiche, who was badly in need of 1) a strict mother on the set, and 2) an even stricter film editor. Kechiche, obviously in love with the youthful Adele’s face, devotes roughly 45 minutes of his movie to close-ups of Adele as she pouts, looks pensive, looks sad, looks confused. The explicit sex scenes are at least a respite from the endless face shots.

Again, the main actresses are good and certainly photogenic, but they aren’t interesting enough to sustain such a wispy story for an excruciating three hours. It’s just girl meets girl, girl loses girl, blah blah blah. The perils of young love. Tears and heartbreak.

At the Telluride Film Festival in September, Seydoux and Exarchopoulos were asked what it was like acting for porn direc— uh … the great auteur Kechiche. “It was horrible,” said Seydoux. When I realized, about two hours into Blue Is the Warmest Colour, that I still had to endure another hour, I felt exactly the same way.

Grade: C-

(Editor’s note: For all of the Al Bundys out there, we are including lots of screen captures from the infamous lesbian-sex scene, thereby sparing you the chore of actually watching the film.)

Director: Abdellatif Kechiche Cast: Lea Seydoux, Adele Exarchopoulos, Salim Kechiouche, Aurelien Recoing, Catherine Salee, Benjamin Siksou, Mona Walravens, Alma Jodorowsky Release: 2013

Watch Trailers (click here)