Maron

 

If you are a middle-aged, homely comedian – but you do have a successful TV show – one of the perks is that you get to write love scenes for yourself and hot young actresses.  If you don’t believe that, just ask Marc Maron, above, and Louis C.K., below.

 

Louie4

 

 

*****

 

One of the circus acrobats injured in a “human chandelier” act that went bad last week is named Samantha Pitard.

 

Circus


Because we will go to any extreme to create an awful pun, we thought we’d mention that, in the picture above, it’s quite possible that one of the girls is being hoisted by her own Pitard.

 

*****

 

Huff4

 

They claim the magic age is 70, but I can attest that it happens much earlier than that.

 

*****

 

Jessica Alba told Glamour magazine why she has a no-nudity clause in her film contracts:  “I don’t want my grandparents to see my boobs,” Alba explained.  “That’s it.  It would be weird at Christmas.  And I mean, really, if you look at the movies I have done, getting naked would never elevate the picture.”

I guess Jessica didn’t mind her grandparents seeing her butt-ass-naked spanking scene in The Killer Inside Me, pictured below.  

 

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*****

 

Public Service Announcement:  Our Web-site host announced that it will stop providing that service in June.  We here at grouchyeditor are working feverishly to migrate this site to a new location, but in the meantime, if you visit us and your computer explodes, you’ll know why.

 

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Don Jon 

       Don1  Don2

 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Jon, a shallow bartender who is addicted to porn. Scarlett Johansson is the spoiled “princess” who wants Jon under her thumb, and Julianne Moore is a lonely widow out to save him from both porn and bad relationships.  The message is a good one, but unless you buy into the Gordon-Levitt and Moore hook-up – I didn’t – it falls a bit short as romantic comedy.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Captain Phillips

Captain1Captain2

 

Hollywood has always been good at producing the fact-based action movie – provided the script isn’t too beholden to actual facts.  I have no idea how accurate Captain Phillips is as it dramatizes a 2009 cargo-ship hijacking off the coast of Somalia, but it’s tense and exciting – think Dog Day Afternoon on the high seas – and Tom Hanks’s captain is, as Hanks characters so often are, a man you can cheer for.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B+

 

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Miami Heat v Oklahoma City Thunder - Game One

 

Last week we showed how Delino DeShields’s face exploded when struck by an errant baseball.  This week, we show how NBA commissioner Adam Silver’s ears exploded when exposed to an audiotape of Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

 
*****

 

Winton
 

60 Minutes did a great piece about a 104-year-old Brit who saved 669 children during World War II.  Nicholas Winton, above right, was a stockbroker. Hard to believe that, once upon a time, someone in that now-reviled profession could act heroically.  Speaking of stockbrokers …

 

Gasparino

 

“It’s the reputational damage that this administration has done to Wall Street.  Wall Street is considered … like the devil, to most people’s mind. One of the reasons why is the constant attacks.”  Fox correspondent Charles Gasparino, above, explaining Wall Street’s resentment toward Obama.

 

Oh, boo hoo.  If only the rest of us would stop being so mean to the bankers and stock analysts on Wall Street, those selfless patriots who had nothing to do with the financial collapse.  Perhaps if we apologized they would eventually forgive us and things could go back to normal.
 

*****

 

Quote of the Week:

 

“Drive yourself to Oberrickenbach …. Man, can you imagine being in a spelling bee in Germany?” – cowboy Cord or cowboy Jet – I can’t tell them apart – struggling with spelling and geography in Switzerland on The Amazing Race.

 

 

*****

 

George Clooney got engaged to Amal Alamuddin, below left.  I had no idea that the late, great Hugh Griffith, below right, had a daughter. 

 

                                     Alamuddin          Hugh

 

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Vale1

 

I suppose it’s an indicator that I have mental-health issues, but very few things make me laugh out loud and one of them is the fart-prank video.  I can spend hours watching this kind of tomfoolery on YouTube.

The undisputed King of the Fart Prank has to be Jack Vale.  Jack is the harmless-looking bozo in the white t-shirt in these pictures, in which he is seemingly passing gas — and eliciting angry glares from girls at the beach. 

 

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If you, like me, are afflicted with the sense of humor of a ten-year-old, Jack’s videos are highly recommended. 

 

*****

 

Phrases We Need to Dump:

 

She continues on her journey.”

He moves on to the next chapter of his life.”

This is trite, pretentious drivel.  Also, no one reads books these days; we watch videos.  Rather than, “After much contemplation, Jack continued on his journey and moved on to the next chapter of his life,” I would suggest:  “Jack set the stage for the next scene in his YouTube-driven existence.”

 

*****

 

Compared to other sports, baseball has a reputation for being soft.  But I don’t recall seeing pictures like this after mishaps in hockey or football.

 
 
DeShields
 
 
*****
 

Miley6

 

This story appeared on a German Web site.  I was curious, so I used an Internet language translator.

There is going to be a second Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, although you could be forgiven for not grasping that fact from this translation.  Excerpts:

 

Miley Cyrus is to look as a jury member with an American “show” for the smallest Penis.

With naked skin Miley Cyrus has as well known no problem.  Whether the singer pulled however times again too deeply on her Joint, when she got the offer of the “Smallest Penis Contest” and now seriously considers, probably stands on another sheet.

Brooklyn searched for the smallest best male piece.  Men present themselves with the competition in evening clothes and trunk and show their mini small sausage.

As the organizers communicated now on Twitter … discussion with scandal noodle Miley Cyrus, in order to win her as Jurorin for the competition.  At present the poor Miley Cyrus has anyway different problems.  Completely sadly it twitter from the patient bed:  “I am, where I was the whole week.  In bed.  Crying.  NOT stoned.  Shit!”  Miley lies after a violent allergischen reaction to antibiotics still in the hospital.  Perhaps but the prospect directs it toward the Penis competition.

 

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by Jacqueline Susann

Valley


There is good soap opera, and there is bad soap opera.  Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls was a literary sensation in 1966 (it was the top-selling book that year), and it’s easy to see why:  It’s juicy and entertaining.  Part of the enjoyment comes from trying to decode former actress Susann’s roman a clef.  The penniless singer who becomes a major star, then succumbs to alcohol and pills – is she based on Judy Garland?  The boom-voiced Broadway battle-axe – is it Ethel Merman?

Susann’s prose is occasionally dreadful, and her story about three Cosmo Girls trying to make it in New York and Hollywood show business, circa 1945-65, is quaint by today’s standards, but her gossipy style is infectious and her themes about doing whatever it takes to achieve love, fame, and success in America are timeless.

 

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Sin

 

*****

 

Entertainment Weekly’s cover (below) features Hugh Jackman and Jennifer Lawrence in clownish superhero getups.  At first glance, I thought I was looking at Eddie Munster all grown up, and Ted Danson in blackface.  Or blueface, I guess.

 

 

XMen

 


Also coming soon to a theater near you is a Sin City sequel with Mickey Rourke, which brings to mind Rourke’s buffoonish appearance in the original film (below, and photo at top).  It’s hard enough to take these endless comic-book movies seriously, but when the stars are forced to look this ridiculous, well ….

 

 

Sin2

 

*****

 

Fox is premiering a new panel show called Outnumbered.  Nothing new about being outnumbered on Fox, which for years has followed the format of pitting one liberal guest against a small army of conservatives on shows like The O’Reilly Factor and Hannity.  Fair and balanced, my ass.

 

*****

 

               Bundy Bundy2

                                            Ted Bundy                                                                 Al Bundy

 

Nevada Rancher And Federal Gov't Face Off Over Land Use Battle

 Cliven Bundy

 

Is everyone named Bundy a certified fruit loop?

 

 
*****

 

Quote of the Week:

 

“It’s now been six weeks since Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, along with 239 people on board.  Six weeks of new leads that have led nowhere, really.” CNN’s Jake Tapper

Yes, and five weeks of hysterical coverage on CNN that has taught us nothing, really.

 

*****



This photo of Kate Middleton and some goofball in New Zealand did not make deadline for last week’s “Review,” but it amuses us, so here it is.

 

Kate5

 

*****

 

I was curious about ratings for the new FX miniseries, Fargo, so I checked a couple of Web sites.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

 

Reporter

 

From Variety:

 

 

Variety

 

I am still curious about the ratings for Fargo.

 

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Crusoe1

 

You see a movie when you’re a kid, and you think it’s the greatest.  Many years later, one night after you’ve paid bills, mowed the lawn, and put the kids to bed, you notice that your beloved old movie is playing on the late show.  Your first emotion is nostalgic; you remember adoring this film, no matter how silly it might have been.  Your second reaction is more practical:  Most of the movies you loved as a child and then re-watched as an adult turned out to be, well, pretty bad.

So it was with a healthy dose of skepticism that I recently watched Robinson Crusoe on Mars, which I fully expected to put the kibosh on my fond memories of the first time I saw it, lo those years ago.  It would probably suck – even the title of the film is goofy.  But I watched anyway.  And … what a pleasant surprise!

 

Crusoe2

 

The plot:  Two astronauts and a test monkey are orbiting Mars when a near-collision with an asteroid forces an emergency evacuation to the surface of the planet.  Just one astronaut successfully lands and, a la Daniel Defoe’s island castaway, he must use his training and wits to survive the harsh Martian environment.  Also per Defoe’s story, eventually there is a “Friday.”  Not so like Robinson Crusoe, we also meet evil space aliens.

The pros1)  When I see special effects in something recent like The Avengers, I usually have this thought:  “Wow, that looks really cool  and fake.”  When I see special effects in Robinson Crusoe on Mars, I have a similar response, yet there is something more impressive about a 1960s art department designing and photographing spectacular visuals, as opposed to a cadre of computer geeks moving a mouse to achieve similar effects.  Director Byron Haskin, a special-effects wiz who ten years earlier filmed the classic The War of the Worlds, combines studio FX with real Death Valley footage to make sci-fi magic.  2)  TV veteran Paul Mantee, as the hero, will never be mistaken for Daniel Day-Lewis, but he’s adequate and what his astronaut thinks, does, and says (he has that monkey to talk to) is always credible.  Mantee’s activities on Mars in the early stages of the film are just plausible enough, science-wise, to hook us so that we dont run for the exit when things later get wacky (the arrival of those space aliens). 

 

Crusoe3

 

The cons:  1)  This was filmed several years before Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey revolutionized special effects, and so the Martian vistas do look artificial.  They also look imaginative and incredibly cool.  2)  Some of the science presented is dubious at best, but hey, this was 1964.  Giant fireballs cruising the surface of the red planet?  Why not?  3)  I suppose you could argue that the (white) hero’s relationship with (dark-skinned) Friday is borderline racist – I wouldn’t.

Crusoe4

 

The verdict:  I still like this movie.  It’s fun.  Sometimes even little kids have good taste.          Grade:  B+

 

Crusoe5  Crusoe6

 

DirectorByron Haskin   Cast:  Paul Mantee, Victor Lundin, Adam West  Release:  1964

 

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Crusoe8

Watch the Trailer  (click here)

 

Crusoe9

Crusoe10

Mantee, Lundin, and “Mona” the monkey on set.
 

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Somewhat Confused Edition*

 

Meyers


Seth Meyers, above right with guest Anderson Cooper, talks about sports a lot on his late-night show.  Seth Meyers mentions his wife a lot, too.  But … Seth Meyers is gay, right?  Right?

 

Meyers1Meyers2 

 

 *****

 

Rooney

 

Rest in peace, Andy Rooney.  Rooney passed away Sunday at age 93.  Funny what you learn about people after they’re gone.  For example, I had no idea that 60 Minutes mainstay Rooney was a former Hollywood star and, on top of that, I actually thought he had died some years ago.

 

*****

 

Huff3

 

The Huffington Post is still looking for a good proofreader.

 

*****

 

CNN is running out of experts to interview about the missing Malaysian plane.  On Wednesday, Don Lemon turned to George Stephanopoulos, pictured below.  Wait ….

 


JeffWise
 

*****

 

Two weeks ago we wrote about our waning interest in The Americans.  More skin might pique our interest, we said.  Someone at FX must have paid attention, because this week the show bombarded us with bare bums.  In the bottom picture, star Keri Russell moons the camera; in the top picture, guest star George Stephanopoulos prepares to slip between the sheets. 

 

Americans3

Americans4

 

*  We apologize for any factual errors in this weeks edition of the Review.  It was a perplexing news week and, like The Huffington Post, we are looking for a good proofreader.

 

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Books

 

If Art Garfunkel feels the need to post a “books read” list on his Web site, then so does the Grouch.  Here is a list of Grouch’s literary conquests of the past 20 years – works of genius and works of dreck.  Click here.

 

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Ferguson6

 

Craig Ferguson might seem to be David Letterman’s heir apparent at CBS, but I wouldn’t bet on it.  I like Ferguson because he’s an unabashed dirty old man who conducts interesting interviews and actually books an occasional (gasp!) author as a guest.  (Author:  someone who writes books.)

But Ferguson tends to hammer some bits to death (“You’re a racist, man!”) and, listening to his monologues, I sometimes forget what country I’m living in.  If anything remotely newsworthy occurs in Europe, Scottish-born Ferguson is sure to jump on it.  Despite his “It’s a great day for America!” he seems homesick.

 

*****

 

Scarlett2 Scarlett 

 

Scarlett Johansson on her nude scenes in the new movie, Under the Skin“You assume it’s [the nudity] going to be a screenshot for someone.”

Strange society we live in.  Scarlett gets naked on the big screen for our entertainment, yet there’s a dude in prison for pilfering and posting naked selfies Scarlett shot in her bathroom (above).

 

*****

 

Speaking of nudity, last week the Review featured a picture of naked Gwyneth Paltrow.  This week we’ve posted naked Scarlett Johansson selfies.  In the interest of fairness, this week we present a picture of naked George Bush, also a selfie.

 

Bush2

 

“If you told me a high school senior had painted them, I would believe it.  Also, it was so strange to see a man who had seen the entire world paint himself alone in a bathroom in the bathtub naked.”

That was New York art critic Jerry Saltz on George Bush’s paintings.  In a stunning development, it turns out that Saltz intended those comments as praise.

 

*****

 

CNN can’t find the damn plane.  CNN should hire this guy, who could always spot “da plane!”

 

Tattoo

 

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