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23Apr

Valley of the Dolls

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by Jacqueline Susann

There is good soap opera, and there is bad soap opera. Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls was a literary sensation in 1966 (it was the top-selling book that year), and it’s easy to see why: It’s juicy and entertaining. Part of the enjoyment comes from trying to decode former actress Susann’s roman a clef. The penniless singer who becomes a major star, then succumbs to alcohol and pills – is she based on Judy Garland? The boom-voiced Broadway battle-axe – is it Ethel Merman?

Susann’s prose is occasionally dreadful, and her story about three Cosmo Girls trying to make it in New York and Hollywood show business, circa 1945-65, is quaint by today’s standards, but her gossipy style is infectious and her themes about doing whatever it takes to achieve love, fame, and success in America are timeless.

19Apr

The Weekly Review: April 13 – 19

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*****

Entertainment Weekly’s cover (below) features Hugh Jackman and Jennifer Lawrence in clownish superhero getups. At first glance, I thought I was looking at Eddie Munster all grown up, and Ted Danson in blackface. Or blueface, I guess.

Also coming soon to a theater near you is a Sin City sequel with Mickey Rourke, which brings to mind Rourke’s buffoonish appearance in the original film (below, and photo at top). It’s hard enough to take these endless comic-book movies seriously, but when the stars are forced to look this ridiculous, well ….

*****

Fox is premiering a new panel show called Outnumbered. Nothing new about being outnumbered on Fox, which for years has followed the format of pitting one liberal guest against a small army of conservatives on shows like The O’Reilly Factor and Hannity. Fair and balanced, my ass.

*****

Ted Bundy Al Bundy

Nevada Rancher And Federal Gov't Face Off Over Land Use Battle

Cliven Bundy

Is everyone named Bundy a certified fruit loop?

*****

Quote of the Week:

“It’s now been six weeks since Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, along with 239 people on board. Six weeks of new leads that have led nowhere, really.” – CNN’s Jake Tapper

Yes, and five weeks of hysterical coverage on CNN that has taught us nothing, really.

*****

This photo of Kate Middleton and some goofball in New Zealand did not make deadline for last week’s “Review,” but it amuses us, so here it is.

*****

I was curious about ratings for the new FX miniseries, Fargo, so I checked a couple of Web sites.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

From Variety:

I am still curious about the ratings for Fargo.

18Apr

Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964)

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You see a movie when you’re a kid, and you think it’s the greatest. Many years later, one night after you’ve paid bills, mowed the lawn, and put the kids to bed, you notice that your beloved old movie is playing on the late show. Your first emotion is nostalgic; you remember adoring this film, no matter how silly it might have been. Your second reaction is more practical: Most of the movies you loved as a child and then re-watched as an adult turned out to be, well, pretty bad.

So it was with a healthy dose of skepticism that I recently watched Robinson Crusoe on Mars, which I fully expected to put the kibosh on my fond memories of the first time I saw it, lo those years ago. It would probably suck – even the title of the film is goofy. But I watched anyway. And … what a pleasant surprise!

The plot: Two astronauts and a test monkey are orbiting Mars when a near-collision with an asteroid forces an emergency evacuation to the surface of the planet. Just one astronaut successfully lands and, a la Daniel Defoe’s island castaway, he must use his training and wits to survive the harsh Martian environment. Also per Defoe’s story, eventually there is a “Friday.” Not so like Robinson Crusoe, we also meet evil space aliens.

The pros: 1) When I see special effects in something recent like The Avengers, I usually have this thought: “Wow, that looks really cool – and fake.” When I see special effects in Robinson Crusoe on Mars, I have a similar response, yet there is something more impressive about a 1960s art department designing and photographing spectacular visuals, as opposed to a cadre of computer geeks moving a mouse to achieve similar effects. Director Byron Haskin, a special-effects wiz who ten years earlier filmed the classic The War of the Worlds, combines studio FX with real Death Valley footage to make sci-fi magic. 2) TV veteran Paul Mantee, as the hero, will never be mistaken for Daniel Day-Lewis, but he’s adequate and what his astronaut thinks, does, and says (he has that monkey to talk to) is always credible. Mantee’s activities on Mars in the early stages of the film are just plausible enough, science-wise, to hook us so that we don’t run for the exit when things later get wacky (the arrival of those space aliens).

The cons: 1) This was filmed several years before Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey revolutionized special effects, and so the Martian vistas do look artificial. They also look imaginative and incredibly cool. 2) Some of the science presented is dubious at best, but hey, this was 1964. Giant fireballs cruising the surface of the red planet? Why not? 3) I suppose you could argue that the (white) hero’s relationship with (dark-skinned) Friday is borderline racist – I wouldn’t.

The verdict: I still like this movie. It’s fun. Sometimes even little kids have good taste. Grade: B+

Director: Byron Haskin Cast: Paul Mantee, Victor Lundin, Adam West Release: 1964

Watch the Trailer (click here)

Mantee, Lundin, and “Mona” the monkey on set.

12Apr

The Weekly Review: April 6 – 12

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Somewhat Confused Edition*

Seth Meyers, above right with guest Anderson Cooper, talks about sports a lot on his late-night show. Seth Meyers mentions his wife a lot, too. But … Seth Meyers is gay, right? Right?

*****

Rest in peace, Andy Rooney. Rooney passed away Sunday at age 93. Funny what you learn about people after they’re gone. For example, I had no idea that 60 Minutes mainstay Rooney was a former Hollywood star and, on top of that, I actually thought he had died some years ago.

*****

The Huffington Post is still looking for a good proofreader.

*****

CNN is running out of experts to interview about the missing Malaysian plane. On Wednesday, Don Lemon turned to George Stephanopoulos, pictured below. Wait ….

*****

Two weeks ago we wrote about our waning interest in The Americans. More skin might pique our interest, we said. Someone at FX must have paid attention, because this week the show bombarded us with bare bums. In the bottom picture, star Keri Russell moons the camera; in the top picture, guest star George Stephanopoulos prepares to slip between the sheets.

* We apologize for any factual errors in this week’s edition of the Review. It was a perplexing news week and, like The Huffington Post, we are looking for a good proofreader.

09Apr

Books

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If Art Garfunkel feels the need to post a “books read” list on his Web site, then so does the Grouch. Here is a list of Grouch’s literary conquests of the past 20 years – works of genius and works of dreck. Click here.

06Apr

The Weekly Review: March 30 – April 5

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Craig Ferguson might seem to be David Letterman’s heir apparent at CBS, but I wouldn’t bet on it. I like Ferguson because he’s an unabashed dirty old man who conducts interesting interviews and actually books an occasional (gasp!) author as a guest. (Author: someone who writes books.)

But Ferguson tends to hammer some bits to death (“You’re a racist, man!”) and, listening to his monologues, I sometimes forget what country I’m living in. If anything remotely newsworthy occurs in Europe, Scottish-born Ferguson is sure to jump on it. Despite his “It’s a great day for America!” he seems homesick.

*****

Scarlett Johansson on her nude scenes in the new movie, Under the Skin: “You assume it’s [the nudity] going to be a screenshot for someone.”

Strange society we live in. Scarlett gets naked on the big screen for our entertainment, yet there’s a dude in prison for pilfering and posting naked selfies Scarlett shot in her bathroom (above).

*****

Speaking of nudity, last week the Review featured a picture of naked Gwyneth Paltrow. This week we’ve posted naked Scarlett Johansson selfies. In the interest of fairness, this week we present a picture of naked George Bush, also a selfie.

“If you told me a high school senior had painted them, I would believe it. Also, it was so strange to see a man who had seen the entire world paint himself alone in a bathroom in the bathtub naked.”

That was New York art critic Jerry Saltz on George Bush’s paintings. In a stunning development, it turns out that Saltz intended those comments as praise.

*****

CNN can’t find the damn plane. CNN should hire this guy, who could always spot “da plane!”

02Apr

Reviews in Short: April 2014

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Klown

This Danish road-trip comedy recalls old-fashioned American slapstick, the type of goofiness we used to get from Laurel and Hardy – but with one big difference: The sight gags, often hilarious, are also rated X. Danish TV comics Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen star as oil-and-water pals who embark on a male-bonding wilderness trip that goes awry thanks to their own ineptitude and a 12-year-old boy who tags along for the ride. Release: 2010 Grade: B

*****

Stained

Canadian actress Tinsel Korey plays a troubled bookseller going through hell at work and at home – but who, or what, is responsible for that hell? Stained tested my tolerance for the “it was only a dream” school of filmmaking, in which the viewer is never quite sure if what he sees happening is, in fact, really happening, and it doesn’t help that the first half of this psychological horror-show is slow. On the plus side, Korey is good as a woman who doesn’t handle stress particularly well. Release: 2010 Grade: B-

*****

The Woman

Well, The Woman ain’t boring. I’m not entirely sure what the movie is – black comedy, feminist revenge flick, unpleasant gorefest – because it’s a tonal mess, but it ain’t boring. Sean Bridgers plays Henry Higgins from Hell, a country lawyer named Cleek who keeps his family in check with a mix of condescension, threats, and old-fashioned whuppings. One fateful day Cleek spots a primitive woman in the wilds of Massachusetts (yes, apparently there are wilds in Massachusetts), decides to take her home with him, and then … I can’t explain it. But it ain’t boring. Release: 2011 Grade: B

*****

Passion

Thirty years ago, Brian De Palma was king of the erotic thriller. Today … not so much. It’s a shame because Passion is certainly watchable and bears De Palma’s distinctive visuals and soundtrack. But the story, in which a corporate cat-fight between executive Rachel McAdams and subordinate Noomi Rapace turns deadly, is confusing and illogical. In De Palma movies of yore such narrative lapses were both minor and overshadowed by the man’s dazzling direction. Not anymore. Release: 2012 Grade: C+

*****

Short Term 12

Looking for something that all of the critics love? Short Term 12 has a 99% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and for good reason. This little film about a handful of young counselors at a home for at-risk teens worried me at first, because it initially carries a whiff of Afterschool Special. Uh-oh, I thought, it’s one of those earnest “good for you” movies. But I was wrong. Unlike just about every other Hollywood release, Short Term 12 is neither cynical and snarky nor sappy and stupid. It’s smart and moving. And lead actress Brie Larson is a real standout. Release: 2013 Grade: A-

*****

20 Feet from Stardom

Stardom puts the spotlight on vocalists who came close to the music-industry brass ring but, either through hard luck or, in some cases, because they didn’t really want it, missed out on solo stardom. There is a lot of great music in this Oscar-winning tribute to backup singers – but not, really, all that much drama. Release: 2013 Grade: B-

*****

Jailbait

.

A quote in the ads for this film informs us that Jailbait is “in the vein of Orange Is the New Black.” Uh, no, it isn’t. It’s “in the vein” of trashy ’70s women-in-prison flicks like The Big Doll House. Mostly it’s just writer-director Jared Cohn filming his girlfriend, actress Sara Malakul Lane, in one degrading nude scene after another. Lane, who was about 30 when this was shot, plays a “juvenile” sent to a detention center for young girls, which of course entails rape, shower scenes, more rape, and lesbian sex. Lane does look good naked (she also looks 30), but unlike those ’70s B-movies, this jail drama is a bore. Release: 2013 Grade: D

29Mar

The Weekly Review: March 23 – 29

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Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled and then came unhinged, whining about the rigors of movie-star life. Gwyneth, shown hard at work above, is an ass. Good-looking ass, but an ass.

*****

I used to really dig the following shows, but lately … not so much:

American Horror Story. What went wrong: For its third season, creator Ryan Murphy decided to appeal more to teenage girls. I am not a teenage girl – usually.

The Walking Dead. What went wrong: The walking dead resemble drunken octogenarians, and drunken octogenarians do not frighten. But the zombies are veritable Mensa members compared to the dullard humans on this show, who engage in boring, earnest heart-to-hearts and then make stupid decisions.

The Americans. What went wrong: I’m not sure. I simply lost interest, although I might perk up if they resume featuring the fetching Annet Mahendru in nude scenes.

Sherlock. What went wrong: I suspect that the writers began to believe their own good press and, rather than concentrate on great scripts, decided that Cumberbatch Fever could carry the day. It can’t.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! What went wrong: Apparently the show went off the air in 2009. No wonder I lost interest.

*****

Quotes of the Week:

“I’m round, tired, grouchy, smelly and horny!” – Kendra Wilkinson (above) in her People magazine blog. I had no idea we have so much in common.

*

“You compared the reliance on these black boxes to using a VCR in the age of Netflix and streaming video.” – Wolf Blitzer discussing airplane “black boxes.” Not a great analogy, Wolf. I am forever enduring buffering issues with Netflix streaming video, a problem I never had with my good old VCR.

25Mar

The Round House

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by Louise Erdrich

Erdrich wins awards and is a critics’ darling, and there are aspects of her writing that I admire, but to me a lot of the prose in Round House – especially character motivations and behavior – does not ring true.

The protagonist is a 13-year-old Native American whose mother is raped, and so Erdrich is compelled to enter the boy’s head, but the result often reads like a middle-aged woman’s skewed idea of what teen boys think and do. I also didn’t buy her characterization of some of the adults: Episodes with a foul-mouthed, hunky Catholic priest are meant to be humorous but are just flat-out bizarre. On the plus side, the climactic scenes are powerful, and the depiction of life on a North Dakota reservation is colorful.

Some critics predict that this book will be thought of as an American-Indian To Kill a Mockingbird. I suppose this is because the story is told from a child’s point of view, the boy’s father is an Atticus Finch-like judge, and the plot includes rape, racial tensions, and social injustice. But To Kill a Mockingbird? Perhaps in theme, but certainly not in execution.

23Mar

The Weekly Review: March 16 – 22

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Beach Bums!

Like everyone else in America, I eagerly tuned in for the season premiere of Naked and Afraid. But I get confused by this show.

At times, survivalist poopers are on full display (above). At other times, editors blur out survivalist poopers (below). Is there a pooper-display quota at Discovery Channel? Someone must get to the bottoms of this.

Speaking of poopers, I’ve been concerned for the cameramen on CBS’ Survivor, keeping my fingers crossed that the boys would find an appropriate pooper on which to focus this season. For awhile, it seemed that the guys were ogling Lindsey Ogle (top of the page and the pooper above right), but I believe that they have instead opted for survivor Alexis Maxwell, whose pooper is presented below.

*****

Poor Anthony. You know you’re getting up in years when they make a biblical movie and cast you as Methuselah.

*****

Quotes of the Week:

“Vikings … is a visual feast of sweaty women with the physiques of Playboy Playmates. The scene of Princess Aslaug slowly undressing and lowering herself into the tub was a gift to us all.” – Entertainment Weekly

Just kidding. Here is what Entertainment Weekly actually wrote:

“Vikings … is a visual feast of sweaty men with the physiques of CrossFit coaches. The scene of Ragnar slowly undressing and lowering himself into the tub was a gift to us all.”

And so EW continues its crusade to eradicate one gender’s sexism in favor of … well, another gender’s sexism. Thank goodness that we here at the Weekly Review never engage in that sort of behavior.

*

“If this is true, this is a moment of understanding of nature of such a magnitude that it just overwhelms.” – Stanford University professor Andrei Linde discussing something about something. Whenever scientists claim that a new discovery will overwhelm us, you can be sure that the public reaction will be … underwhelming.