Mandel

 

Mandel, R.I.P.

 

We here at Grouchyeditor join the rest of the media in expressing heartfelt sadness at the passing of Howie Mandel.  Although we never actually watched Deal or No Deal, and we have yet to see an episode of  America’s Got Talent, because it sounds awful, we do understand that Howie was on those shows.

Media reports inform us that Mandel, who suffered from mysophobia, was 95.  We assume that his remains will be hermetically sealed.

 

*****

 

Women’s Health magazine has declared that actress Evangeline Lilly is the proud owner of the “Best.  Butt.  Ever.”  Because we are always intrigued by butt journalism, we went looking for corroboration.  We found this:

 

eyeprime.blogspot.com            Lilly1

 

*****

 

Lots of media hype over the upcoming movie, Anchorman 2.  News anchors already love this movie, and they all seem to believe that they are in on the movie’s joke.  Hate to break it to you, anchors, but you are the joke.

 

*****

 

Quote of the Week:

“I gotta put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge.” —  Survivor contestant Tyson, who either has a very high opinion of himself or a very low one, on hiding an “immunity idol” in his shorts.

 

*****

 

Snidely2 Whiplash

 

You simply cannot convince me that Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, pictured here breaking ground for his new playpen in Minneapolis, is not, in reality, Snidely Whiplash.

 

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by Leo Tolstoy

Karenina

 

Let me nitpick at Leo Tolstoy.  His two great novels, this one and War and Peace, are simply too damn long.  This is partly because Tolstoy could not resist lengthy, off-plot digressions about the issues of his day (military strategy in Peace; agriculture in Karenina).  Also, in comparing great novelists of the 19th century, I prefer Charles Dickens, whose books feature something thats rare in Tolstoy:  humor.

I’m done nitpicking.  There is a reason that Anna Karenina is considered one of the best novels of all time.  Tolstoy immerses readers in his characters’ minds and keeps us there.  Don’t think you can relate to a member of 1870s Russian aristocracy?  You will in this book.  Tolstoy’s description of Anna’s descent into madness, culminating at a train station, is one of the most devastating passages I’ve ever read.

 

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Robot & Frank 

.      Frank1  Frank2

 

Sometimes silly but always engaging, Robot & Frank is a showcase for 74-year-old Frank Langella.  Langella plays a grumpy, unreformed burglar whose adult son comes up with an antidote for dad’s failing memory:  a caregiver robot.  The movie is ostensibly science fiction, but its theme is human memory — and the loss of it.  What makes Robot stumble is its desire to add thrills to the mix, including a lame heist sequence.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

The Conjuring

.      Conjure1  Conjure2

 

One day, someone will give director James Wan a quality script and he might produce a horror classic.  Wan, who gave us Insidious and now this film, is a master at staging and framing shots for maximum shock value — the first half of Conjuring boasts some of the scariest scenes I’ve watched in ages.  Unfortunately, once a pair of demonologists (Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson) show up to clear a family’s house of evil spirits, the screenplay devolves into clumsy dialogue and rip-offs of better films like The Exorcist and Poltergeist.  Still … those first 45 minutes are chilling.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Oldboy

.      Oldboy1  Oldboy2

 

A man wakes up in a hotel room with no clue how he got there and no idea that he will be imprisoned there for the next 15 years — and that’s just the beginning of his ordeal.  Korean director Park Chan-wook’s trippy revenge-mystery doesn’t always make sense, and it’s a tad too long, but it’s hard to take your eyes off the screen.  And a twist near the end is a real whopper.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Absentia

.      Absentia1  Absentia2

 

Straight-to-video horror movies often share similar traits:  a few scary scenes; a good performance or two; and last but not least, a goofy script that sabotages much of what is positive about the film.  So it is with Absentia, in which residents of a Los Angeles neighborhood keep vanishing into a … oh, never mind.  But there are some chills here, and lead actress Katie Parker is appealing.  Release:  2011  Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

Everything or Nothing

.      Bond2  Bond3

 

I suppose I expected something different from a documentary about the making of the James Bond movies, like more girls, gadgets, and guns.  Instead, Everything focuses on behind-the-scenes drama, in particular the clashing egos of producers Harry Saltzman and Cubby Broccoli and Bond creator Ian Fleming.  It’s an interesting tale, just not as entertaining as the films themselves.  One noticeable absentee from the roster of interviewees:  Sean Connery.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

The Silence

.      Silence1  Silence2

 

A young girl is raped and murdered in a field, the killer is not found, and 23 years later — to the day — another girl goes missing at the same spot.  The Silence is unusual in that it concentrates as much on the victims’ families as on the crime.  The result is a compelling drama from Germany, but also a thriller that’s a bit short on thrills.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Grabbers

.      Grabber1  Grabber2

 

In Bride of the Monster, there is an infamous scene in which poor, aging Bela Lugosi tussles with a rubber octopus.  There’s a similar scene in Grabbers, but with a difference:  This time, we are supposed to laugh.  This Irish horror-comedy about an island village besieged by monsters is an affectionate nod to silly B-movies past, but aside from a hilarious turn by Ruth Bradley as a drunken cop, the laughs are sporadic.  The real grabber here is the breathtaking Irish scenery.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Talhotblond

.      Tal1Tal2  Tal3

 

You’ve probably heard of “catfishing,” the pernicious practice of conning people by using fake Internet profiles.  Filmmaker Nev Schulman has made a career chronicling the phenomenon, beginning with his 2010 movie Catfish and continuing with an MTV series.  But this movie, similar in theme to Catfish, predates Schulman’s documentary and, for my money, is the better film because the stakes, murder, are much higher.  The final twist is a stunner.  Release:  2009  Grade:  B+

 

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Grouches

 

Especially Grouchy Holiday Edition

 

Heaven

 

“I felt my body break free, and I felt my spirit break free and I was greeted by these people or these spirits.  I could be with them and be going down this incredible pathway.” — a woman on CNN’s To Heaven and Back.

This got me to wondering:  Why is it that we never hear stories about people who, during their near-death experience, behold the gates of hell or smell fire and brimstone?  But then I answered my own question.  If I had an experience like that, I wouldn’t likely go on CNN to talk about it.

 

*****

 

Target2

 

These “big box” stores are full of it.  They claim that employees who worked on Thanksgiving Day were there on a “volunteer” basis.  Right.  I’m sure that, come review time, the managers at Walmart and Target and Sears will pat Sally Shoemaker and Al Appliance on the back and completely overlook their unwillingness to work on holidays.  Also, how many top-level executives were at work on Turkey Day?

 

*****

 

The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders.  From this week:

“We reached out to McDonald’s for comment on this horror, because journalism, with no response so far.”

 

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Europa1

 

In Jason Zinoman’s book about the modern horror film, Shock Value, he discusses “the monster problem” – how directors try to resolve the fact that, at some point, audiences expect to stop anticipating something scary (the monster) and actually see something scary.  I kept thinking of this while watching Europa Report, a science-fiction thriller about six astronaut/scientists seeking signs of life on Europa, a moon of Jupiter.

Unlike, say Aliens, Europa Report is a low-budget affair, and so I half expected director Sebastian Cordero to resolve his monster problem with a disappointing and cheap-looking, well, monster.  He does not.  Cordero’s movie is too smart for that; yet the climax of the film is still a bit of a letdown.

 

Europa2

 

The Good:  1)  Given the film’s budgetary limitations (or possibly because of them), the visuals on Europa are pretty cool.  2)  The script makes use of actual science, rather than side-stepping it.  3)  There are no clichéd subplots involving romance among crew members, or evil corporations out to sabotage the mission.   4)  Cordero creates an eerie, claustrophobic mood and traps us there. 

 

Europa3Europa4

 

Not So Good:  1)  This is yet another entry in the tired “found footage” genre, and as such we are subjected to narration by an Earth scientist (Embeth Davidtz), which does little to enhance the story.  2)  Although the ending doesn’t deteriorate into man-in-a-rubber-suit silliness, it is a bit on the vague side.          Grade:  B+

 

Europa5

 

Director:  Sebastian Cordero   Cast:  Christian Camargo, Embeth Davidtz, Anamaria Marinca, Michael Nyqvist, Daniel Wu, Karolina Wydra, Sharlto Copley  Release:  2013

 

Europa6Europa7                                         

Watch Trailers  (click here)

 

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Park1

 

Maybe you have to be younger than I am to get incensed over a documentary like Park Avenue.  At a certain point in life, some of us simply shrug and conclude:  “Nothing ever changes.  The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.  I might as well go watch a football game.”

However … if you are young – or if you still have fire in your middle-aged belly – it’s hard to disagree with this New York Times assessment of Alex Gibney’s indictment of the wealthy:  “If you were still on the fence about whether to despise the superrich, this film will almost surely make a hater out of you.”

Gibney opens his film by contrasting the bookends of New York’s famous Park Avenue, which is divided in two by the Harlem River:  the luxurious Manhattan side, home to the largest collection of billionaires in America, and the side located in the Bronx, where infant mortality is high and poverty is rampant.  If America is the richest nation on Earth, why such income disparity?

 

Park2

 

Gibney doesn’t focus on the poor; he targets the super-wealthy and their disproportionate political influence.  As he wrote for The Huffington Post:  “[Park Avenue] is an intentionally angry film.  I felt that the contribution of this film could be a kind of focused rage against the dying of the light of the American Dream, slowly being extinguished by a flood of money.”

That money comes from the political left and right (Democrat Chuck Schumer comes off just as corrupt as anyone else in the film), but Gibney’s main culprits are conservative, in particular the billionaire Koch brothers (David Koch pictured below).

 

Park4

 

The article that Gibney penned for The Huffington Post to accompany the film’s premiere generated a meager 15 comments.  If the movie made any money, the numbers are not listed on Wikipedia, which generally includes that type of information for films.  This lack of attention for Gibney’s film must make the Koch brothers very happy.

So go ahead, youngsters, harness your rage to save the American Dream.  If it looks like you’re making any progress in that war, I might even tear myself away from football to help you out.           Grade:  A

 

Park3

 

Director:  Alex Gibney   Featuring:  Jack Abramoff, Michele Bachmann, Eric Cantor, Michael Gross, David H. Koch, Jane Mayer, Tim Phillips, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Chuck Schumer, Stephen A. Schwarzman, Scott Walker   Release:  2012

 

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                                                     Watch the Trailer  (click here)

 

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CeeLo1

 

Sexiest Man Alive!

 

People’s “sexiest man alive” list, as usual, is packed with girlie men and assorted metrosexuals, the kind of males that gay hairdressers find attractive.  But I was heartened when I heard that the top spot on the list went to a singer/judge from TV’s The Voice.

In honor of People’s hunk of the year, I tracked down photo goodness of the super-sensual CeeLo Green.

(Top) CeeLo enjoys some fine cuisine; (below) CeeLo models the latest fashion, circa 2008; (bottom) CeeLo delights fans by making a public appearance last week at his sexual assault hearing.

 

.                 CeeLo2CeeLo3

 

CeeLo4

 

*****

 

Mystery in the Middle of the Night

 

What happened to Red Eye’s Bill Schulz?  Schulz’s abrupt departure from the late-night talk show, coupled with a cursory announcement from host Greg Gutfeld that the longtime panelist had “moved on,” has tongue wagging.

 

Gutfeld4           Schulz

.                            Greg Gutfeld                                                                         Bill Schulz

 

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Alec1

 

On principle, I make a point of avoiding anything that might be described as “heartwarming.”  I do this because I am an incurable grouch.  But I’ll have to admit that I was caught up in the excitement on Friday when the Make-A-Wish Foundation took over San Francisco.

The foundation, as you probably know, exists to grant wishes to suffering people.  On Friday, the organization restored my faith in humanity when actor Alec Baldwin was granted his fondest desire:  to pummel paparazzi.  Thousands of spectators cheered and the Internet went nuts as Alec laid waste to photographers from TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, and other media outlets.

 

Alec2  Alec3

           Police stand by as Alec arrives for his big day.  Alec locates his first target.

 

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Alec’s fans chant “Faggots! Faggots!” as the movie star has his way, below, with a startled photographer.

 

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Alec6 Alec7

Alec8

Throngs of excited San Franciscans show their appreciation for Alec.

 

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Alec moves on to his next targets.

 

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Alec12

 

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Even the president found time to send a video, wishing Alec well on his special day.

 

*****

 

At this point, historians could discover that Lyndon Johnson, crouching on the roof of the Texas Book Depository, killed Kennedy with a bazooka and I wouldn’t much care.

 

*****

 

An item in my local newspaper:

“Remarkably, the Houston Astros’ broadcast of a game with Cleveland on Sept. 22 registered a rating of 0.0.  As far as Nielsen could tell, nobody watched.”

 

Stadium

 

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Trans1

 

A good thriller is hard to come by.  For proof of that, scroll through your Netflix menu and behold the scores of movies labeled “thriller.”  New ones appear seemingly overnight, and most of them are, well, straight-to-Netflix dreck.  That’s why it’s disheartening when a good one comes along, like Transsiberian, and gets buried in the pile.

It’s a shame because if you like Hitchcock, or if you’re a fan of the Russian novelist Dostoyevsky, here is North by Northwest meets Crime and Punishment.  OK … maybe not quite in that league, but close enough.

 

Trans2

 

Woody Harrelson and Emily Mortimer play an American couple aboard a train traveling from China to Moscow.  They meet another young couple (Kate Mara and Eduardo Noriega), with whom they share cramped sleeping quarters.  But someone has a secret, and it’s not long before a Russian cop (Ben Kingsley) takes more than a casual interest in this quartet of travelers.

Director Brad Anderson, who inexplicably works mostly in TV these days (Rubicon, The Killing), devotes the first half of his film to character development, atmosphere and, a la Hitchcock, planting ominous seeds of what’s to come.  It’s no accident, for example, that Harrelson and Mortimer keep hearing of or seeing disturbing episodes involving the Russian police.

 

Trans3

 

The second half of the film, like the best of Dostoyevsky, is a suspenseful cat-and-mouse game between Kingsley’s cop and Mortimers wife-with-a-secret.  Transsiberian’s five main characters – every one of them – are fleshed out and interesting.  How many thrillers can say that?

Meanwhile, if you like train movies, this one is a treat.  Filmed in Lithuania, Beijing, and Russia, the passing scenery is often a series of picture postcards from hell:  cold, barren landscapes; toothless, miserable villagers; and, just to break up all that dreariness, an occasional breath-taking sight, such as the sparkling ruins of a church buried in snow (along with a body or two).

But mostly this is a thriller, and a good one at that.      Grade:  B+

 

Trans4

 

Director:  Brad Anderson   Cast:  Woody Harrelson, Emily Mortimer, Ben Kingsley, Kate Mara, Eduardo Noriega, Thomas Kretschmann, Etienne Chicot   Release:  2008

 

Trans5 Trans6

 

   Watch the Trailer  (click here)

 

Trans7

Trans8

 

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