Grove1

 

Hemlock Grove, an original Netflix series, is one weird-ass creative splash, and I loved every minute of it.  Let me rephrase that:  Hemlock Grove, an original Netflix series, is an acquired taste and a bit of a disappointment.

Sigh.  I hate reviewing shows like this one.

The plot:  Based on a novel by Brian McGreevy, Grove tells the tale of two high school boys, one a werewolf and the other a … something, who team up to hunt down a “vargulf,” a renegade lycanthrope (werewolf) that is killing young girls in the titular burg, which is located somewhere in Pennsylvania.  During the course of the Hardy Boys from Hell investigation, we meet strange townsfolk and strange, to put it mildly, relatives of the two boys (Bill Skarsgard and Landon Liboiron).

 

Grove2

 

What I Liked:

1)  The 13-episode series has a great look.  It was filmed in Ontario but reeks of rust-belt America … except when it doesn’t, such as the presence of a glass skyscraper, the “White Tower,” that looms incongruously over everything else in the otherwise smallish town.

2)  Some of the performances are a hoot.  Famke Janssen, as the mother of one of the intrepid boy heroes, overacts in a role that cries out for overacting.  As Olivia Godfrey, Janssen slinks, drinks, and purrs like an aristocratic Morticia Addams, manipulating everyone in her orbit with an accent that sounds part British and part, oh, I don’t know — Transylvanian?  Also mugging shamelessly is wild-eyed Joel de la Fuente as the town’s resident mad scientist.

3)  The plot keeps you guessing.  One problem with monster mythology is that it often leaves the screenwriter with two unappealing options:  Bore the audience by explaining everything (e.g., lycanthropes, upirs, and vargulfs), or leave the weirdness unexplained and risk putting the viewer into a head-scratching funk.  Hemlock Grove leaves a lot unexplained, which is sometimes frustrating, but more often just a tease.

 

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4)  There are lots of random, what-the-hell moments.  The female representative of law and order is not the usual cop or FBI agent; she hails from Fish & Wildlife Services, of all places.  And then there is that ominous skyscraper, home of biotech shenanigans as it towers over the high school, a country store, and beer joints, looking as out of place as a nuclear reactor in Mayberry.

 

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What You Might Not Like:

If you go into Hemlock Grove expecting logic, you won’t make it past episode two.  Perhaps all of the supernatural mumbo jumbo is better explained in McGreevy’s novel, but for series viewing, I advise switching off one segment of your brain and just soaking it all in.  Or not.  I hate reviewing shows like this one.     Grade:  B

 

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Cast:  Famke Janssen, Lili Taylor, Bill Skarsgard, Landon Liboiron, Penelope Mitchell, Freya Tingley, Dougray Scott, Joel de la Fuente, Aaron Douglas, Nicole Boivin, Kandyse McClure, Emily Piggford, Kaniehtiio Horn  Premiere:  2013

 

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Watch Trailer and Clip  (click here)

 

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Grove12

 

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by George R. R. Martin

Thrones

                                                                

I don’t poke my nose into fantasy literature very often but, when I do, it’s generally a positive experience.  J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books are enchanting, and T. H. White’s The Once and Future King gobsmacked me with its brilliant take on the legend of King Arthur.

George R. R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones isn’t quite in the same league as Potter and King, but I admire Martin’s ambition.  Creating a huge cast of characters and detailed description (too detailed at times; must we learn the name, lineage, and attire of every knight, peasant, and maiden in the story?), Martin unveils “Westeros,” a mythical land bearing a strong resemblance to medieval England, and one in which warring clans battle for control of its Seven Kingdoms.  It’s a (mostly) believable world, but it never really captivated me the way the Potter series did, and it lacks the charm of The Once and Future King.  It is not, however, short on graphic sex and violence.

Thrones is a long book, the first in a planned series of seven volumes.  This might be one of those rare instances where you are better off watching the TV version on HBO, rather than investing weeks, or months, of your life on this massive written opus.

 

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Sinister

  Sinister2  Sinister1

 

There is a scene early in Sinister that had me on the edge of my seat.  Fred Thompson, playing a crusty sheriff, approaches family man Ethan Hawke with some unsolicited advice.  Uh-oh, I thought, here it comes:  Fred is going to pitch an AAG reverse mortgage to poor Ethan.  But I was mistaken.  Nothing that nerve-rattling happens in this clichéd dud of a horror flick.  It’s just Ethan, baseball bat in hand, prowling the dark halls of his haunted house, and a sound technician blasting noise at the audience whenever something supposedly scary occurs.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D+

 

*****

 

Mama

Mama1  Mama2

 

Director Andres Muschietti has a real knack for creepy/scary visuals, which somewhat offsets Mama’s silly premise, dumb plot, and none-too-believable behavior by its characters.  Jessica Chastain, as a musician battling the titular creature for control of two little girls, provides evidence that two Oscar nominations are no guarantee of landing other great roles.  Release:  2013   Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

Penumbra

Penum1  Penum2

 

Marga (Cristina Brondo) is the kind of career woman you love to hate.  She gets ahead by trampling co-workers, sleeping with married men, and steamrolling anyone who doesn’t serve her needs.  We spend two-thirds of Penumbra getting to know busty, bitchy Marga, but Twilight Zone-like omens all point to an unhappy (for Marga), yet satisfying (for us) climax.  Just proves that you can’t always trust omens, because Penumbra, until its final act a sleek and suspenseful puzzle, fizzles out at the end, wrapping up with gore-spattered silliness.  Release:   2011   Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Frazetta:  Painting with Fire

Frazetta1   Frazetta2

 

Say the name “Frazetta” at a comic-book convention, and you’ll likely turn heads.  Mention the name anywhere else, and you’ll probably draw a blank stare.  That’s a shame because Frank Frazetta, illustrator-artist extraordinaire, deserves a better legacy.  His bane was that he worked primarily in the world of fantasy, churning out striking covers for everything from horror-comics to Hollywood movie posters.  Frazetta chronicles his colorful life from Brooklyn boyhood to retirement in Pennsylvania, but it’s also a film one can enjoy with the mute button on, simply soaking in a procession of startlingly original warriors, princesses, and demons as they march across the screen.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B

 

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fl-tornado18b

 

During tornado coverage Friday, an Oklahoma storm chaser reported that a mobile-home park had been “consumed” by a twister.  I ain’t no psychologist, but it seems to me that if you are at all inclined to off yourself, your best bet would be to live in a mobile-home park in Oklahoma.

 

*****

 

Ice1

 

Schadenfreude

Two types of reality TV seem to be thriving:  shows set in Alaska, and shows set in the swamps.  I believe these shows are successful because, as a species, we enjoy watching other humans suffer.  We seem to really, really enjoy watching people freeze their asses off in Alaska, and we seem to really, really enjoy watching toothless rednecks in Louisiana.

My suggestion for a new kind of reality show:  Toto, the story of a doomed mutt and his stupid owners, all of whom live in a double-wide in Enid, Oklahoma.

 

Ice2

 

*****

 

Bridge

The Bridge

 

Upcoming shows that intrigue:

Broadchurch (August 7 on BBC America).  Two detectives investigate the murder of a young boy in a British seaside town.  Sounds like a routine cop show but, given the appeal of BBC America’s recent Orphan Black, I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

The Bridge (July 10 on FX).  The last time a basic-cable channel redid a European crime drama, it was AMC with The Killing.  I’m guessing that, like most American remakes, this will be inferior to Scandinavia’s Bron, but hey, you never know.

Through the Wormhole (June 5 on Science).  When I was in high school, I would often fall asleep during movies in science class.  I plan on watching the season premiere of Wormhole just to see if Morgan Freeman falls asleep during his hosting duties.

 

Freeman

 

Big Brother (June 26 on CBS).  It’s summer, and you’ve just watched Morgan Freeman explain the origin of the universe.  Big Brother will make you question the point of the universe.

 

Upcoming show that I fully expect will suck:

Under the Dome (June 24 on CBS).  It’s based on a Stephen King novel.  Back in the ’70s and ’80s, that was sometimes a good thing.  Today, it’s usually the kiss of death.

 

*****

 

You know Obama’s in the media doghouse when you start to see pictures like this:

 

US President Barack Obama, speaking of r

 

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Side1

 

Filmmaker Steven Soderbergh has been making noise about retiring.  He’s said he wants to devote more time to his painting.  I’m not at all sure that this should be cause for alarm in Hollywood.  I haven’t seen every film in Soderbergh’s oeuvre but, of those I have seen, I haven’t been impressed since 2000’s Erin Brockovich.

Side Effects, Soderbergh’s alleged theatrical-film swan song, is the kind of psychological thriller that was catnip for directors like Alfred Hitchcock and Brian De Palma.  It has a fast-moving, twist-filled plot and pretty actors playing pretty characters.  With Hitchcock or De Palma at the helm, Side Effects would be embellished with flashy camerawork and a dramatic musical score.  With Soderbergh behind the camera, the movie resembles a paint-by-the-numbers docudrama.  The story cries out for razzle-dazzle:  What we want is a movie movie; what we get is an interesting but pedestrian mystery.

 

Side2

 

Rooney Mara of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo plays Emily, whose husband (Channing Tatum) has been imprisoned for insider trading.  When he is released from jail, Emily goes to psychiatrist Dr. Banks (Jude Law) for help with depression.  Banks prescribes medication that is still in a testing stage, and tragedy ensues.  But like a drug-fueled hallucination, nothing is quite what it seems in this story.

In today’s Hollywood, if a movie succeeds, it’s often in spite of a weak script.  Talented directors and actors have rescued many a third-rate screenplay.  When a good script does come along, it’s a crime to waste it on someone like the coasting Soderbergh, with his sterile, workmanlike approach.  Let’s buy the man a paintbrush and get on with things.       Grade:  B

 

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Director: Steven Soderbergh   Cast:  Rooney Mara, Jude Law, Channing Tatum, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Ann Dowd, Vinessa Shaw, Polly Draper  Release:  2013

 

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Watch Trailers and Clips  (click here)

 

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BFFs

 

“Hello, friends.  I realize that many of you are disappointed with our system of justice today, and you might have lost some faith in the way things ought to work.  But let’s look on the bright side, shall we?  The jury’s non-decision decision today means that this young woman, Jodi Arias, still has a small chance to make a decent life for herself.  And I, for one, wish her all the best.” — Nancy Grace

 

Just kidding.

 

*****

 

Alarm

It’s a “New Day”

 

CNN is struggling in the ratings, and I think I know why:  CNN has been paying attention to what viewers say they want.  Big mistake.

When the public is polled about news media, it gets all high-minded and carps about “too many negative stories.”  CNN responds by airing a procession of “hero” specials … and the public yawns and flips to E! to see what the Kardashians are up to.

The public says it wants less political partisanship in the media.  CNN responds by showcasing nice-but-bland Anderson Cooper and grandfatherly Wolf Blitzer … and the public flips to Fox News to watch Bill O’Reilly burst an artery over those damned liberals.

I have more bad news for CNN.  I’m no advertising expert, but aren’t viewers supposed to associate products with, oh, I don’t know, something pleasant?  CNN is running an ad for its upcoming New Day that opens with the most grating sound imaginable — a metallic, buzz saw-like alarm clock that shrieks at us and reminds us of a thousand miserable mornings.

 

*****

 

Pinsky2

 

Dr. Drew Pinsky, above, got all excited about the Jodi Arias non-verdict verdict and began to struggle with the English language.

 

Dr. Drew:  “So, during the break, you can knock some sex into me.”

And later …

Dr. Drew:  “He was friends with both Travis and Jodi.  Aaron Doody — Dewey — joins us with his thoughts on today’s verdict.”

 

*****

 

They are still looking for a few good proofreaders at The Huffington Post.

 

Proofer

 

*****

 

Tantaros4

 

Scandal Update:

Eric Holder needs to go, and he needs to go yesterday.

But before they get too excited at Fox News, bubble-headed bimbo Andrea Tantaros (above) of The Five, who said this — “A lot of people voted for [Obama].  And if you see any of those people today, do me a favor and punch them in the face.” — also needs to go, and she needs to go the day before yesterday.  (She can, however, leave her legs behind.)

 

*****

 

Nancy

 

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Imposter1

 

Pardon my French, but what the fuck?

Sorry about that, but that’s the best way to describe The Imposter, an acclaimed documentary from British filmmaker Bart Layton that tells the story of … well, let me try to explain:

In 1994, 13-year-old Nicholas Barclay vanished from his neighborhood in San Antonio, Texas.  A little over three years later, “Nicholas,” who would then have been 16, resurfaced — in Spain.  But the typical American teen now had a French accent, darker hair, and eyes that were no longer blue, but brown.

Nicholas’s family, apparently overjoyed at the reappearance of the boy, flew him home to Texas and welcomed him back into their lives.  This, despite the fact that “Nicholas” was in reality a 23-year-old Frenchman named Frederic Bourdin, a con artist extraordinaire.  This is the point where you, dear reader, will be forgiven for also thinking, “What the fuck?”

 

The Imposter

 

Layton’s movie, utilizing dramatizations and interviews with actual participants in the bizarre saga, makes it clear that a hoax is afoot.  But aside from the charismatic Bourdin, was anyone else in on the con?  Something’s not right about the San Antonio family.  And whatever became of the real Nicholas?

The Imposter chronicles two incredible stories — one about Bourdin and the other about the enigmatic Texans — that, through sheer coincidence, merged in Texas.  If you think you know human nature, this movie will make you think again.           Grade:  A-

 

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Director:  Bart Layton   Featuring:  Frederic Bourdin, Carey Gibson, Bryan Gibson, Beverly Dollarhide, Nancy Fisher, Phillip French, Codey Gibson, Charlie Parker, Adam O’Brian   Release:  2012

 

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                                                           Watch Trailers  (click here)

 

 

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Obama4

 

Time will tell which of the issues assailing President Obama are genuine “scandals,” and which are much ado about nothing, but for my money the story that seems to be generating the least public outrage — Justice Department spying on AP journalists — is the most serious.  Obama is saying, in essence, that because he can’t control leaks in his own administration, it’s OK to pretty much destroy an entire news organization.  So much for that media “love affair” with the president.

 

*****

 

Mayors Just Wanna Have Fun!

 

Ford4

 

Hi!  I’m Rob and I’m the mayor of Toronto.  Some people say there is a video that shows me smoking crack with drug dealers.  Do I look like I’d do something like that?

 

Jerry3

 

Hi, I’m Jerry, and I was the mayor of Jersey City.  Some time ago, some pesky Hispanic girls yanked off my towel at three o’clock in the morning, and then some jerk took this picture of me.  Do you, too, have problems with pesky Hispanic girls?

 

Weiner3

 

Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’d love to be the next mayor of New York City.  If you’d like to be on my mailing list, just send me your e-mail address, and I’ll see what I can do!

 

*****

 

Castros

 

Competing media jumped all over the New York Post when it published a front-page picture of two “bag men” who turned out to have nothing to do with the Boston bombings.  Last week, that same media — all of them — splashed front-page mug shots of Ariel Castro’s brothers, who police say had nothing to do with the Cleveland kidnappings.

 

*****

 MingleLogo

 

Meet Sean, 37, a handsome former lieutenant in the U.S. Navy who could be the man of your dreams!  Sean is looking for a few good women … and the police are looking for Sean!

 

Mingle

Sean!

 

*****

     

BP2

 

Hi, I’m Fred and I work for BP.  Sure, we might have fouled the Gulf of Mexico, but we’re spending millions to make sure our commercials look really pretty for you!

 

*****

 

Shapiro

 

Hi, I’m Bob.  One of my satisfied customers is named O.J.  I helped him make a killing, now let me help you!

 

*****

 

Morales

 

Hi, I’m Natalie.  As a parent, I’m concerned about what my children see on TV. As a viewer, you should be concerned about what my nasal, annoying voice is doing to you!

 

*****

 

Dawn

 

Who needs those damn vampire movies when we have CBS’ Survivor?

 

*****

 

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And you thought the wigs worn by spies on The Americans were ridiculous?

 

*****

 

Geez

 

This ad popped up on my home page.  Please, folks, do not assume that this man represents a typical Minnesotan.  I beg it of you.

 

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Ramsey

 

Video of the Week:

 

Charles Ramsey showing his dishwashing paycheck to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who was born with a very clean silver spoon in his mouth.

 

*****

 Sanford

 

Quote of the Week:

 

“I’ve been on a remarkable personal journey.” — South Carolina’s Mark Sanford.

That’s funny, because we thought you just got horny and cheated on your wife.

 

*****

 

“Why are we so obsessed with this case?” — Piers Morgan on Wednesday, voicing the same dumb question that journalists ask every time there’s a sensational trial.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Jodi Arias trial had sex, religion, and violence.  But I think another reason we tune in is because it’s a great opportunity to watch people lie under oath.  That means we get to exercise our bullshit detectors.

Arias, for example, whom everyone describes as a great liar, seems to have been anything but, because she kept getting busted.  A better liar was “good boy” Travis Alexander, the Mormon motivational speaker who had lots of people fooled about his kinky sex life.  And then there was the procession of expert witnesses, some of whom were either very stupid or expert liars.

 

Grace6

 

My favorite liar is HLN’s Nancy Grace (above), who is always out for blood and yet ready at a moment’s notice to shed crocodile tears for victims’ families.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Arias chose a Fox News affiliate for her post-conviction interview as one final “fuck you” to HLN and Grace.

 

*****

 

OReilly3

 

Pretty amusing to watch Bill O’Reilly and his pals continue to fume over the public’s lack of interest in the Benghazi incident.  Bill can’t seem to grasp that many of us are still waiting to see someone punished for the lies and cover-ups that led us into Iraq.  Thousands died in Iraq; four died in Benghazi.  Understand, Bill?

 

*****

 

ISS

 

We saw live footage of astronauts doing a spacewalk at the International Space Station.  The video was grainy and choppy, like what you see on local news when robbers invade your neighborhood convenience store.

I will never understand how we can land robots on Mars and propel capsules beyond the solar system, yet these spacewalk videos still look like something your Uncle Stan shot at Sally June’s birthday party.

 

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Sun Don’t Shine

Sun1 Sun2

 

On-the-lam movies can be fun — but only if you care about the people on the lam.  In Sun Don’t Shine, Kate Lyn Sheil and Kentucker Audley play young lovers sweating it out in Florida because there’s something in the trunk of their car, but a decomposing body isn’t what made me nauseous.  That would be Sheil, who, as the clingy, whiny, emotionally stunted female half of this not-so-dynamic duo, gives one of the most annoying performances of the year.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D

 

*****

 

Swimming Pool

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Until it goes off the deep end, Swimming Pool is a sleek erotic thriller about the murderous results when an uptight British novelist finds herself sharing a summer house with her boss’s promiscuous young daughter.  Charlotte Rampling, as the repressed writer, and Ludivine Sagnier, as her wild-and-crazy opposite, regard each other like the proverbial cat and canary — but which is which?  It’s smooth and sexy, but the final scenes are either deliciously ambiguous or a groan-inducing cheat.  You decide.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Sightseers

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A nerdy British couple (as part of their holiday, they schedule a stop at a pencil museum) decides to enliven their road trip with road kill — literally.  If the concept of dull tourists as serial killers is clever enough to sustain you for 90 minutes, then knock yourself out, mate, but for me the plot and characters failed to live up to that amusing premise.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Wasted on the Young

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A familiar tale — high school bullies, the rich and popular kids, make life hellish for other students — is told with originality and flair by Australian filmmaker Ben C. Lucas.  It’s not an uplifting story, but Lucas’s decision to leave adults out of the film works well, immersing the viewer in a nightmarish, but riveting, teenage society.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B

 

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