The Grouchy Editor

Cheers & Jeers

Cheers to the people of Egypt, and Jeers to world leaders — presidents, prime ministers, chairmen, and dictators alike — who were demanding a “peaceful and orderly transition.”  What happened in Egypt was the realization of those leaders’ worst fear:  If the people can revolt in Egypt, they can revolt anywhere.  And that’s a frightening prospect to anyone in power.

Jeers to pampered movie stars Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston, who seem to believe that the media (and fans) exist only to fawn over them.  Sorry, ladies, but sometimes your poop stinks, and when it does the press will cover that, as well.

Cheers to former Sen. Alan Simpson, who in an interview with CNN’s Candy Crowley managed to use the terms “310 million tits” and “green weenie.”

Jeers to the whining babies who missed the Super Bowl because a Texas fire department hadn’t time to inspect their stadium seats.  The reason that only the rich can afford to attend the Super Bowl is because jerks like you are willing to overpay for your seats. 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

An Unwarranted Attack on Kristen Stewart’s Ass

Poor Kristen Stewart.  It’s not enough that she has legions of detractors because of her role in the Twilight franchise.  No, now she has jihadists to worry about.  Earlier today, I noticed that Kristen’s bare derriere was popping up all over the Internet.  Apparently, she parades her pooper in the movie Welcome to the Rileys.  In the interests of cinematic research, I Googled Kristen’s gluteus maximus and found several sites – purportedly presided over by “jihadists” – in which Kristen and her bubbly buttocks are the objects of much scorn.  For example:

“Kristen Stewart’s ass is flat and flabby from a sedentary Western lifestyle where women are not even made to harvest figs, so the only way Kristen Stewart is going to get a respectable behind is with a good old-fashioned Allah-sanctioned squats and lunges routine.

“As a typical Hollywood harlot we know Kristen will continue to prostitute her nude body on film whenever she gets the chance.  Let us hope she shows the same dedication into whipping her body into something that is aesthetically pleasing, or we will be continually underwhelmed with scenes like the one above.” – From celebjihad.com

Now, I have been guilty of criticizing Ms. Stewart in the past, but I think it’s unfair to pummel her posterior like this.  I think she has a ravishing rear, an ample ass anyone would be proud of.  Above is a picture of Kristen’s tappable tush.  Don’t you agree with me?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Some years ago a book called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten was published.  Judging from news footage of the burning streets of Cairo, the conflict over there seems to be about something we all learned in kindergarten:  It’s the “haves” versus the “have nots.”

Egyptians are simply saying “enough is enough.”  The problem, more or less, is the same everywhere else, including the United States.  So when Obama decries violent demonstrations in Egypt, he does not have the moral high ground — not when he’s given the OK to millionaire tax breaks.  The Washington Post reports that in Egypt, a major grievance is the fact that “money and power have become hopelessly entrenched in the hands of the few.”

As an aside to all of this, how on Earth did the media, once again, get caught so flat-footed by this story?

*****

Weekly Rant:  This lisping jerk Prentiss and his annoying son in “Passages Malibu” commercials are driving me to homicidal distraction.  Take that worthless fruit of your loins and move to Egypt, where they will know what to do with both of you.

*****

I used to admire Dennis Kucinich.  But now, with his threat of a frivolous lawsuit over an olive-pit sandwich, he is exposed as just another privileged jerk.  Please join the “Passages Malibu” father and son and move to Egypt.

*****

Relationship guru Steve Harvey’s ex-wife is spilling the beans about Harvey’s cheating ways.  Hey ladies, you know which kind of guy is least likely to cheat on you?  It’s the guy who has little or no opportunity to cheat, because he is not rich and he is not famous.  In other words, he is the guy who is least like Steve Harvey.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

                      Good Brit                                               Bad Brit

Ricky Gervais was a brilliant host at the Golden Globes.  The best jokes have an edge, and Ricky socked it to some big shots, including Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, and Robert Downey, Jr.  Proof of Gervais’ success came in the form of Entertainment Weekly,  in which Hollywood kiss-butt Mark Harris whined that the comedian was “unprecedentedly nasty.”  Harris wouldn’t recognize comic genius if it kicked him in the balls — because he hasn’t any.

As I feared, Piers Morgan is off to a rocky start with his new show on CNN.  Morgan’s “interview” of Oprah Winfrey was an embarrassing display of sycophantic fawning, blubbering, and journalistic Jell-O.  We learned that Oprah is all about love and giving back to the little people.  We also learned about the depths of Morgan’s insecurities.  Morgan’s interviews later in the week, with Howard Stern and then Gervais, were a bit better, but only because the guests were more interesting than Winfrey.

*****

I’m not sure how to broach this subject without coming off as a homophobe, but as long as I’m trashing Entertainment Weekly …  EW should really consider changing its name to The Advocate.  Not a week passes without the magazine gushing about the gay-centric TV series Glee, and EW’s gay-centric slant is apparent in most of its celebrity profiles.  The mag reached critical mass this week with a cover story about gay teens on TV, and yet one more spread about its beloved Glee.  I fully expect next week’s issue to arrive in the mail with a bouquet of roses.

*****

It’s too soon to know the complete story behind Keith Olbermann’s departure from MSNBC, but if it was a matter of Olbermann versus The Suits, I will always, always side against The Suits.  And if Comcast had anything to do with this, then screw Comcast.  And if this blog mysteriously vanishes, it’s because my Internet provider is Comcast.

*****

Roger Ebert’s new show is misleading us, because  Ebert himself is conspicuously absent.  The first episode reminded me of Alfred Hitchcock Presents — if you tuned in expecting Hitch to direct, you would be disappointed.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

New Year = New Poops

The Arizona Shooter:   For once, the guy in the mug shot really does look crazy.  Generally, these guys look like, and are described as, “the guy next door.”  The media needs to do its part in creating this legend by continuing to mention Jared Loughner’s middle name, Lee, so that he might join the likes of Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, and Billy Ray Cyrus on our list of notorious Americans.

Media types describe the Arizona tragedy as “unimaginable.” Oh, really?  We must be lacking in imagination, because this kind of thing happens every few years.  Wolf Blitzer just told me that the whole “nation is in mourning” over the Arizona events — more bullcrap, more journalistic hyperbole. Most people are more interested in the fact that their daily horoscopes have changed.

*****

Previews for Piers Morgan’s new show on CNN do not look promising.  Oprah Winfrey telling Morgan, “You are good!” is not the sign of a hard-hitting interview program.

*****

One pope is claiming that his predecessor pope deserves to be a saint because the old pope brought about a “miracle.”  The real miracle will come when any of these popes stops covering up for pedophiles.

*****

Kelsey Grammer’s ex implies that the Frasier star likes to dress in women’s clothing.  Judging from Camille Grammer’s days as a soft-core movie star, I guess she doesn’t need her clothing, so why not lend some panties to Kelsey?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

.                     

Thousands of birds falling dead from the sky … millions of fish washing up dead on the beach ….  you can’t tell me that this isn’t the work of aliens from outer space.

*****

NewSouth Books wants to delete offensive words from Huckleberry Finn?  Hell no.  Shit no.  Those fucking pricks should be banished from publishing.

*****

Not since Steven Slater thrust his goofy mug into the national spotlight have I grown so tired, so quickly, of someone’s 15 minutes of fame.  Ted Williams, homeless-dude-turned-celebrity, Godspeed and enjoy your newfound riches,  but please take your ugly face away from cameras and go spend some of that money on your nine — nine! — children.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I am concerned about our country’s military preparedness.  It seems our troops are forever being surprised by President Obama.  You might think, with all of the hoopla that generally accompanies a president, our troops might become a bit suspicious when he gets near their neighborhood.  How on Earth will they ever be ready for an actual invasion if they are constantly caught with their pants down by the commander in chief?

*****

Ball Buster of the Week:  Alina Cho

I have mixed feelings about the furor over Alina Cho’s interview with the notorious Lorena (Bobbitt) Gallo.  Cho is on the chopping block for asking Gallo, “I wonder after all of these years, are you finally able to laugh about it?”  “It,” of course, being the night in 1993 that Gallo severed her husband’s penis.

I remember the Bobbitt incident, and most people at the time were laughing about it.  On Halloween of that year, I dressed in a cowboy hat and blood-stained pants (“John Wayne” Bobbitt — get it?), and my ex dressed as Lorena, complete with bloody kitchen knife and a Vienna-sausage necklace.

However … the jokers on Fox’s Red Eye had a good point when they asked if it would be considered so humorous had Cho asked Chris Brown if he was “finally able to laugh” about pummeling Rihanna.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

There are rumors afoot …

Gossip sites are speculating about Oprah and her gal pal, Gayle King.  Are the two of them lesbians?  Apparently, many people care about this.

I don’t like Oprah.  On her unctuous show, she sits there like an obese, slit-eyed queen, passing judgment on lowly commoners who are foolish enough to stand before her throne.  From time to time, Oprah will nod at some offstage minion, who will then bestow gifts on Oprah’s fawning audience.  A trip to Australia?  Why not, as long as the Australian tourism bureau picks up the cost, and Oprah gets the credit?

Her Obesity even manages to intimidate the rich and powerful.  Just ask author Jonathan Franzen, who attempted to resist Her Omnipotence but then capitulated when the Fat Lady sang.

So is she a lesbian?  I doubt it.  I think Oprah makes love only to herself.

*****

Rex Ryan’s thing for women’s feet, Brett Favre’s penis pictures … what can be next for the National Fetish League?  It all kind of makes that whole Vikings “love boat” thing seem quaint.

*****

Oscar speculation is running rampant.  Black Swan, The King’s Speech, The Social Network, et al, have set tongues a-wagging.  But to my untrained eye, the most spectacular newcomer on the Tinseltown scene is a sparkling young entertainer who goes by the simple moniker “Hollywood.”

She will make you laugh, she will make you cry, she will make you shake your head and mutter, “Who the hell is this Hollywood?”

She is equally adept at action (above) and red-carpet décolletage (below).  Her caboose rivals that of J.Lo.  Keep your eye on this talented singer/writer/dancer/actress/accountant, because I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of her.

That’s my opinion and I’m stickin’ to it.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 .    

‘Tis the Season for Giving (to the rich)

I don’t know about you, but at this time of year it warms my heart to see the rich getting everything they desire.  A two-year extension of the Bush tax cuts?  No problem, Mr. Trump.  A cutback of the horribly unfair estate tax?  Have some more caviar, Mr. Gates.  Time magazine’s Person of the Year?  It’s our honor, Mr. Zuckerberg.  Taxes still too high?  Just move your business out of America, Mr. Manufacturer — and be sure to enjoy the cheap labor in Mexico.

Isn’t it ridiculous how the middle class keeps waging warfare on America’s rich?  It’s Christmas, so please enjoy this picture of what the rich are giving to the rest of us:

*****

You won’t find a bigger Beatles fan than Yours Truly, but after watching 68-year-old Paul McCartney croak last week on Saturday Night Live … well, let’s just acknowledge that we ain’t at The Cavern Club anymore.

*****

What the hell is wrong with this man?

*****

What happens when you watch too many movies?  You could wind up flat on the floor and looking foolish, like Florida school board member Ginger Littleton, who apparently thought she was The Bionic Woman when she swung her purse at a man twice her size.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Jerks of the Week

The Swedish “rape” victims:  I have no idea if WikiLeaks rabble-rouser Julian Assange is a “man of the people” or just a dangerous publicity hound, but from what I’ve read, the rape charges against him appear to be a joke.  If these two women had consensual sex with Assange and then got their feelings hurt, well, welcome to Jerks of the Week.

Josh Duhamel:  You make this list for acting like a spoiled brat on an airplane.  Turn off your damn BlackBerrry and stop inconveniencing other passengers.  Your movies suck, too.

Drew Pinsky:  This pompous narcissist needs some doctoring, himself.  I don’t know how he manages to constantly be on TV, because it must be difficult for him to tear himself away from dressing-room mirrors.

Obama:  I voted for you, and you are still light-years superior to any Republican, but you need to stop reneging on campaign promises and blaming others for your failures.

Bristol Palin:  You are only, what, 19 years old?  And yet you already have a double-chin and thunder thighs.  Yes, Bristol, you are fat.

Elizabeth Edwards:  I know, I know, it’s not polite to speak ill of the recently deceased.  But it is also a load of horse manure to bestow sainthood on a woman who doesn’t qualify for the honor.  Yes, her husband was a vain and feckless loser, and yes, it’s too bad she got cancer.  But geez, people, read the book Game Change, in which Elizabeth comes off as a shrill, bullying harridan — and quite possibly mentally unstable.  I read the book and thought, “No wonder John ran away from her.”

Wesley Snipes:   You just had to play the race card on your Larry King appearance, didn’t you?  Poor fella.  Now it’s off to a country-club jail for this tax cheat.

The Kardashians:   Kim is reportedly the highest-paid reality TV star ($6 million per year), so naturally she and her awful sisters tried to bilk their fans for even more via a credit-card scam.

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin:  Said she, “That one puff on that cigarette could be the one that causes your heart attack.”  Right, Regina.  From the looks of you, I’d say that just one more bite out of a Twinkie could lead to a heart attack for you.

Former Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico:   Donna was upset that she got a full-body scan at the airport.  Hard to sympathize with you, because a Google search of your name calls up 17 million nude pictures.

Bad Mob:  The morons of the Westboro Baptist Church, who protest at the funerals of dead soldiers.

Good Mob:   The student protestors in England who made life uncomfortable for Prince Charles and Camilla.  Hey, Charles, your country is on the verge of bankruptcy — take the bus for once in your privileged life.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)