The Grouchy Editor

Got to love The Huffington Post’s comments area, because sometimes you just feel the need to mess with people:

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I keep reading that we are living in “the golden age of television.”  That’s only half true.  I’d say we live in “the age of television.”  Now that there are 10,000 channels and 987,000 shows, there is of course more great TV than ever — and more crap TV, as well.

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The Ed Snowden hullaballoo (that’s Ed’s high school mug, above) reminds us that there is not just one, but two groups of Americans that are relegated to second-class citizenship:  high school dropouts, and smokers. 

After all, we never read about non-smoking college graduates committing crimes … do we?

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My local news channel has been weirding me out.  WCCO has a husband-wife anchor team, Frank and Amelia, but lately the station has been dispatching Frank (above left) on overnight road trips with the weatherman (above right).  The two men then issue reports from resorts and other vacation hot spots as Amelia listens passively back at the anchor desk.

Said the weather dude:  “Amelia, don’t get jealous, but at 10 o’clock I’m gonna take your husband to the Stardust Drive-In.  We’re gonna have a good time there.”

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Annoying Terms that Need to Go:

“indie darling” — sounds like something Eva Gabor might say to Harrison Ford

“an unapologetically raunchy film” — just once, I would love to read about an “apologetically raunchy film” (see this week’s Entertainment Weekly, page 7)

“oftentimes” — what’s a synonym for “often”?  How about “frequently”?  Would you ever say, “frequently times”?  Of course not.  Just say “often,” dammit.

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Star of the Week

The humble ice cube (pictured above).  It’s one of the few things in life that you can make for free, and it rarely disappoints.

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Here’s Looking at You, Kid

They are watching you.

They’re not watching me, because I don’t own or use a cell phone.  I suppose they could be monitoring grouchyeditor.com, but if that were the case, we probably would have noticed something peculiar b

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Conspiracy theorists like Jesse Ventura must be having an “I told you so” week, what with all of the breaking news about government snooping into our phone records, e-mails, and hair appointments.  President Obama says he “welcomes the debate” over all of these sneaky programs, but if that was the case, why didn’t he begin the debate before the spying was leaked?

Meanwhile, Jesse is back, and Jesse is mad as hell.  He is suing the widow of Chris Kyle, whom Jesse feels defamed him in a book, and he is angry at New York’s Michael Bloomberg for comments the mayor made about medical marijuana.

“Mayor Bloomberg can kiss my ass.” — Ventura on Joy Behar’s show

Bill O’Reilly heard about the defamation lawsuit and took an interest in Jesse’s manhood:

“I feel that if he [Ventura] really wants to be a man, he drops the case.  If he really wants to be a man, you know?”

No word on what the Nanny Mayor thinks about all of this.

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In yet more girlie-man news, Michael Douglas announced that cunnilingus gave him cancer.  So, I guess now we know why Michael chose to explore the gay lifestyle in his recent role as Liberace.

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During tornado coverage Friday, an Oklahoma storm chaser reported that a mobile-home park had been “consumed” by a twister.  I ain’t no psychologist, but it seems to me that if you are at all inclined to off yourself, your best bet would be to live in a mobile-home park in Oklahoma.

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Schadenfreude

Two types of reality TV seem to be thriving:  shows set in Alaska, and shows set in the swamps.  I believe these shows are successful because, as a species, we enjoy watching other humans suffer.  We seem to really, really enjoy watching people freeze their asses off in Alaska, and we seem to really, really enjoy watching toothless rednecks in Louisiana.

My suggestion for a new kind of reality show:  Toto, the story of a doomed mutt and his stupid owners, all of whom live in a double-wide in Enid, Oklahoma.

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The Bridge

Upcoming shows that intrigue:

Broadchurch (August 7 on BBC America).  Two detectives investigate the murder of a young boy in a British seaside town.  Sounds like a routine cop show but, given the appeal of BBC America’s recent Orphan Black, I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

The Bridge (July 10 on FX).  The last time a basic-cable channel redid a European crime drama, it was AMC with The Killing.  I’m guessing that, like most American remakes, this will be inferior to Scandinavia’s Bron, but hey, you never know.

Through the Wormhole (June 5 on Science).  When I was in high school, I would often fall asleep during movies in science class.  I plan on watching the season premiere of Wormhole just to see if Morgan Freeman falls asleep during his hosting duties.

Big Brother (June 26 on CBS).  It’s summer, and you’ve just watched Morgan Freeman explain the origin of the universe.  Big Brother will make you question the point of the universe.

Upcoming show that I fully expect will suck:

Under the Dome (June 24 on CBS).  It’s based on a Stephen King novel.  Back in the ’70s and ’80s, that was sometimes a good thing.  Today, it’s usually the kiss of death.

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You know Obama’s in the media doghouse when you start to see pictures like this:

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“Hello, friends.  I realize that many of you are disappointed with our system of justice today, and you might have lost some faith in the way things ought to work.  But let’s look on the bright side, shall we?  The jury’s non-decision decision today means that this young woman, Jodi Arias, still has a small chance to make a decent life for herself.  And I, for one, wish her all the best.” — Nancy Grace

Just kidding.

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It’s a “New Day”

CNN is struggling in the ratings, and I think I know why:  CNN has been paying attention to what viewers say they want.  Big mistake.

When the public is polled about news media, it gets all high-minded and carps about “too many negative stories.”  CNN responds by airing a procession of “hero” specials … and the public yawns and flips to E! to see what the Kardashians are up to.

The public says it wants less political partisanship in the media.  CNN responds by showcasing nice-but-bland Anderson Cooper and grandfatherly Wolf Blitzer … and the public flips to Fox News to watch Bill O’Reilly burst an artery over those damned liberals.

I have more bad news for CNN.  I’m no advertising expert, but aren’t viewers supposed to associate products with, oh, I don’t know, something pleasant?  CNN is running an ad for its upcoming New Day that opens with the most grating sound imaginable — a metallic, buzz saw-like alarm clock that shrieks at us and reminds us of a thousand miserable mornings.

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Dr. Drew Pinsky, above, got all excited about the Jodi Arias non-verdict verdict and began to struggle with the English language.

Dr. Drew:  “So, during the break, you can knock some sex into me.”

And later …

Dr. Drew:  “He was friends with both Travis and Jodi.  Aaron Doody — Dewey — joins us with his thoughts on today’s verdict.”

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They are still looking for a few good proofreaders at The Huffington Post.

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Scandal Update:

Eric Holder needs to go, and he needs to go yesterday.

But before they get too excited at Fox News, bubble-headed bimbo Andrea Tantaros (above) of The Five, who said this — “A lot of people voted for [Obama].  And if you see any of those people today, do me a favor and punch them in the face.” — also needs to go, and she needs to go the day before yesterday.  (She can, however, leave her legs behind.)

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© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Time will tell which of the issues assailing President Obama are genuine “scandals,” and which are much ado about nothing, but for my money the story that seems to be generating the least public outrage — Justice Department spying on AP journalists — is the most serious.  Obama is saying, in essence, that because he can’t control leaks in his own administration, it’s OK to pretty much destroy an entire news organization.  So much for that media “love affair” with the president.

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Mayors Just Wanna Have Fun!

Hi!  I’m Rob and I’m the mayor of Toronto.  Some people say there is a video that shows me smoking crack with drug dealers.  Do I look like I’d do something like that?

Hi, I’m Jerry, and I was the mayor of Jersey City.  Some time ago, some pesky Hispanic girls yanked off my towel at three o’clock in the morning, and then some jerk took this picture of me.  Do you, too, have problems with pesky Hispanic girls?

Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’d love to be the next mayor of New York City.  If you’d like to be on my mailing list, just send me your e-mail address, and I’ll see what I can do!

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Competing media jumped all over the New York Post when it published a front-page picture of two “bag men” who turned out to have nothing to do with the Boston bombings.  Last week, that same media — all of them — splashed front-page mug shots of Ariel Castro’s brothers, who police say had nothing to do with the Cleveland kidnappings.

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Meet Sean, 37, a handsome former lieutenant in the U.S. Navy who could be the man of your dreams!  Sean is looking for a few good women … and the police are looking for Sean!

Sean!

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Hi, I’m Fred and I work for BP.  Sure, we might have fouled the Gulf of Mexico, but we’re spending millions to make sure our commercials look really pretty for you!

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Hi, I’m Bob.  One of my satisfied customers is named O.J.  I helped him make a killing, now let me help you!

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Hi, I’m Natalie.  As a parent, I’m concerned about what my children see on TV. As a viewer, you should be concerned about what my nasal, annoying voice is doing to you!

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Who needs those damn vampire movies when we have CBS’ Survivor?

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And you thought the wigs worn by spies on The Americans were ridiculous?

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This ad popped up on my home page.  Please, folks, do not assume that this man represents a typical Minnesotan.  I beg it of you.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Video of the Week:

Charles Ramsey showing his dishwashing paycheck to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who was born with a very clean silver spoon in his mouth.

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Quote of the Week:

“I’ve been on a remarkable personal journey.” — South Carolina’s Mark Sanford.

That’s funny, because we thought you just got horny and cheated on your wife.

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“Why are we so obsessed with this case?” — Piers Morgan on Wednesday, voicing the same dumb question that journalists ask every time there’s a sensational trial.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Jodi Arias trial had sex, religion, and violence.  But I think another reason we tune in is because it’s a great opportunity to watch people lie under oath.  That means we get to exercise our bullshit detectors.

Arias, for example, whom everyone describes as a great liar, seems to have been anything but, because she kept getting busted.  A better liar was “good boy” Travis Alexander, the Mormon motivational speaker who had lots of people fooled about his kinky sex life.  And then there was the procession of expert witnesses, some of whom were either very stupid or expert liars.

My favorite liar is HLN’s Nancy Grace (above), who is always out for blood and yet ready at a moment’s notice to shed crocodile tears for victims’ families.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Arias chose a Fox News affiliate for her post-conviction interview as one final “fuck you” to HLN and Grace.

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Pretty amusing to watch Bill O’Reilly and his pals continue to fume over the public’s lack of interest in the Benghazi incident.  Bill can’t seem to grasp that many of us are still waiting to see someone punished for the lies and cover-ups that led us into Iraq.  Thousands died in Iraq; four died in Benghazi.  Understand, Bill?

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We saw live footage of astronauts doing a spacewalk at the International Space Station.  The video was grainy and choppy, like what you see on local news when robbers invade your neighborhood convenience store.

I will never understand how we can land robots on Mars and propel capsules beyond the solar system, yet these spacewalk videos still look like something your Uncle Stan shot at Sally June’s birthday party.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Mommie Dearest

Mother’s Day is just around the corner!  It seems to us that society does a poor job of celebrating these national treasures.  In case any of you have forgotten just how special motherhood is, here’s a gallery of some memorable moms:

                  Klara Hitler                                                      Andrea Yates

               Joyce Dahmer                                                  Casey Anthony

              Joan Crawford                                                      Susan Smith

So just remember:  If you, too, are lucky enough to have sex with a man and, nine months later, you squirt out a Homo sapien, then you, too, are well on your way to becoming a special someone!

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TV Update

Speaking of madcap mothers … Orphan Black (BBC America) is confusing but kind of fun.  Tatiana Maslany plays five clones — or possibly six, or maybe more than that —  who are on the run from someone out to get her — or them.  It takes place in Canada, or someplace like that.  But it’s a trip.

Bates Motel (A&E) is much better than I expected.  Freddie Highmore makes a fine, teenage Norman Bates, but Vera Farmiga, as mom Norma, is out of this world.

Both Black and Bates are about as realistic as a Martian invasion, but if you’re willing to buy into their bizarre worlds, they are wicked good.

More New Shows:  Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central) — possibly funny if you are a young, single woman; vulgar and lame if you are not.  Maron (IFC) — possibly amusing if you are a middle-aged, single man; a poor man’s Louie if you are not.

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I finally saw Tarantino’s Django Unchained.  My verdict:  way too long, painfully dull, self-indulgent and juvenile.  But Samuel L. Jackson kicks ass.

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The Jodi Arias trial is wrapping up, and Arias sure does seem guilty — especially to the carnival barkers on HLN.  HLN long ago dumped any pretense of objectivity when its clutch of show anchors chose to follow the lead of frothing-at-the-mouth Nancy Grace.  If avenging nutcase Grace walked past Jesus on the cross, she would demand that he be charged with loitering.

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Recently, I praised TLC’s Welcome to Myrtle Manor, pointing out the inherent sweetness of its trailer-park cast.  As you can see below, the Myrtle folks now have a lot in common with that other America’s Sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Gwyneth Paltrow Week!

It was quite a week for Gwyneth, who topped both Star magazine’s “Most Hated Celebrity” and People magazine’s “Most Beautiful People” lists.

I can’t get too excited for Gwyneth because, to me, she is a bit of a has-been whose most memorable role was as the severed head in Se7en (below), followed closely by her turn as some shapely buttocks in Shallow Hal (above — assuming they are not stunt buttocks).  It’s a tough call to say which was the better performance, so I’ll have to flip a coin:  heads or tails?

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Quote of the Week #1

“The guy who was stripped naked and then later set free, do we have any idea who he was?” — CNN’s Jake Tapper to Watertown’s police captain

The captain didn’t know.  I’ve been wondering about the naked guy.  That’s certainly a unique way to be introduced to the national news media, getting escorted to a police car with your junk exposed.

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Travis Alexander’s ex-girlfriend, Deanna Reid, took the stand at the Jodi Arias trial.  Her appearance might have explained a thing or two about Alexander’s fatal attraction to Arias.  If you were Travis Alexander, who would you choose?

                   The Travis Alexander Girlfriend Quiz:

      A)  Girl who wants to marry you, or …                                      B)  Homicidal maniac

     A)  Girl who wants to marry you, or …                                     B)  Homicidal maniac

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Quote of the Week #2

“Did he talk to you about blowing enormous loads every time?” — Arias attorney Kurt Nurmi to poor Deanna Reid.  HLN’s censor was apparently asleep at the wheel.

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Wanted?

“He was a complete jerk.”

“He frightened all of the children in the neighborhood.”

“When you saw him coming, you just wanted to deliver a good, swift kick to his ass.”

Those are comments you never hear about people like the Boston bombers (or serial killers).  Instead, we usually hear about what nice, quiet, unassuming fellows they were.

That is why society ought to celebrate the jerks in our midst, like the sweet man pictured above.  Jerks are generally harmless and always mean well.  We– er, they never cause problems.

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Events this week did not bring out the best in Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.  Within hours of the Boston bombing, O’Reilly was politicizing it, chastising President Obama for using the word “tragedy” to describe the attack.

O’Reilly loves to spring unusual words on his audience, but apparently he needs a definition of this simple, seven-letter word:

Even more distressing for O’Reilly, archenemy MSNBC showed up Fox (and CNN) by exhibiting restraint during Wednesday’s erroneous reports of the arrest of a suspect.  O’Reilly refused to acknowledge this embarrassment and chose to credit CBS — but not MSNBC — with a journalistic win.

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The Game was on cable.  It’s about the only movie I can watch, repeatedly, and laugh out loud with each viewing.  Michael Douglas’s performance as a harried business honcho is a comic masterpiece.

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I was so bored that I actually watched golf on television.  I’ve never understood why fans on the golf course are expected to watch the competition in absolute silence.  Same thing with tennis.  Player concentration, you say?  OK, then why aren’t fans shushed when a basketball player is at the free-throw line, trying to concentrate on a game-deciding shot?

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Word that needs to be banished from the advertising lexicon because it no longer means anything:  awesome.

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Quote of the Week:

“To be truly feminine means being soft, receptive, and — look out, here it comes — submissive.” — volleyball star Gabrielle Reece

No comment.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

20-Second Gripes

1:  If North Korea’s Kim Jong-un is as immature and hyper-sensitive as some experts seem to believe, maybe all of this satire by The Onion, Saturday Night Live, et al, isn’t such a great idea.

2:  Jimmy Fallon “interviewed” Rolling Stone Keith Richards and allowed Richards to actually speak for about 45 seconds.  Is it too late to rehire Leno?

3:  When I get up in the morning (or sometime), the first thing I do (OK, second thing, after the cigarette) is turn on cable news.  This, I’ve come to believe, is a mistake.  Some people get up and listen to music.  That has to be a healthier, happier way to greet the new day.

4:  Nightly cable news personalities, compared to the blithering idiots on morning talk shows, are a wealth of Mensa candidates.  Anderson Cooper, for example, apparently takes a stupid pill at some point between hosting his evening program on CNN and taping the syndicated crap he presides over during the day.

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Nice try, CNN.  You watched The Five on Fox, envied its ratings, studied its setup, and then devised your own camera-under-the-table-aimed-at-sexy-women’s-legs.  Sadly, The Point got the shaft.

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Quotes of the Week (courtesy of HLN and Jodi Arias)

                              Eiglarsh                                                                        Walsh

“She killed someone.  She murdered someone.  So this, to me, is a pimple on the butt of what she’s dealing with.” — attorney Mark Eiglarsh, about Arias using Twitter

“There’s something else I want to point out about this and other phone-sex conversations that I’ve heard between them [Arias and Travis Alexander].  You know, I’m a grown-up woman.  I’ve had some much better phone sex in my life.” — psychotherapist Wendy Walsh

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Thanks to the Jodi Arias trial, the blogosphere is discussing Cameron Diaz’s panties.  That’s a good enough excuse to run this picture of Cameron Diaz in panties.

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The Huffington Post is still in search of a few good editors.  Unless, of course, the Post has unearthed evidence that O’Reilly is is, indeed indeed, a victorious homosexual.

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