The Grouchy Editor

Year in Review

Hoping to improve his relations with Congress, President Barack Obama last week named South African interpreter Thamsanqa Jantjie, above left, as “Special Liaison to John Boehner.”  Boehner, on vacation in Tahiti, could not be reached for comment.

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In October, political observers were surprised when Congress voted to reduce its yearly workload.  Beginning in 2014, Senate and House members will be in session just eight days per year.  Congressmen, including New York’s Charles Rangel, above, were on holiday break and could not be reached for comment.

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In a bid to accommodate passengers who do not wish to be annoyed, the FAA announced that it will ban passengers from all flights, effective next year.  “Much as cell phones and second-hand smoke annoy others, so do people annoy other people,” FAA spokesman Larry Peecee said.   Members of Congress, most of whom own private planes that would be exempt from the new rules, could not be reached for comment.

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Veteran CNN reporter Dana Bash, following her hard-hitting report on the “alpha house” shared by Congressmen Chuck Schumer, Dick Durbin and George Miller, announced that she will be moving into the house.  “Some people have accused me of ‘getting into bed’ with Democrats,” Bash said.  “Well, now I really will.” 

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Under pressure from the nation’s wealthy citizens, the American Psychiatric Association in December added “affluenza” to its list of recognized diseases.  People who suffer from affluenza, defined by psychologist G. Dick Miller as a condition in which “wealth [buys] privilege and there is no rational link between behavior and consequences,” will be able to avoid prison sentences and will no longer pay taxes.  Affluenzers will also be allowed to smoke and use cell phones on airplanes, although they will not be allowed to board airplanes.

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Quote of the Week:

“This is the outcome that the Obama administration in the end, in the end ended up with.” — Fouad Ajami, speaking words of wisdom to Wolf Blitzer on Thursday.

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Mandel, R.I.P.

We here at Grouchyeditor join the rest of the media in expressing heartfelt sadness at the passing of Howie Mandel.  Although we never actually watched Deal or No Deal, and we have yet to see an episode of  America’s Got Talent, because it sounds awful, we do understand that Howie was on those shows.

Media reports inform us that Mandel, who suffered from mysophobia, was 95.  We assume that his remains will be hermetically sealed.

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Women’s Health magazine has declared that actress Evangeline Lilly is the proud owner of the “Best.  Butt.  Ever.”  Because we are always intrigued by butt journalism, we went looking for corroboration.  We found this:

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Lots of media hype over the upcoming movie, Anchorman 2.  News anchors already love this movie, and they all seem to believe that they are in on the movie’s joke.  Hate to break it to you, anchors, but you are the joke.

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Quote of the Week:

“I gotta put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge.” —  Survivor contestant Tyson, who either has a very high opinion of himself or a very low one, on hiding an “immunity idol” in his shorts.

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You simply cannot convince me that Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, pictured here breaking ground for his new playpen in Minneapolis, is not, in reality, Snidely Whiplash.

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Especially Grouchy Holiday Edition

“I felt my body break free, and I felt my spirit break free and I was greeted by these people or these spirits.  I could be with them and be going down this incredible pathway.” — a woman on CNN’s To Heaven and Back.

This got me to wondering:  Why is it that we never hear stories about people who, during their near-death experience, behold the gates of hell or smell fire and brimstone?  But then I answered my own question.  If I had an experience like that, I wouldn’t likely go on CNN to talk about it.

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These “big box” stores are full of it.  They claim that employees who worked on Thanksgiving Day were there on a “volunteer” basis.  Right.  I’m sure that, come review time, the managers at Walmart and Target and Sears will pat Sally Shoemaker and Al Appliance on the back and completely overlook their unwillingness to work on holidays.  Also, how many top-level executives were at work on Turkey Day?

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The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders.  From this week:

“We reached out to McDonald’s for comment on this horror, because journalism, with no response so far.”

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Sexiest Man Alive!

People’s “sexiest man alive” list, as usual, is packed with girlie men and assorted metrosexuals, the kind of males that gay hairdressers find attractive.  But I was heartened when I heard that the top spot on the list went to a singer/judge from TV’s The Voice.

In honor of People’s hunk of the year, I tracked down photo goodness of the super-sensual CeeLo Green.

(Top) CeeLo enjoys some fine cuisine; (below) CeeLo models the latest fashion, circa 2008; (bottom) CeeLo delights fans by making a public appearance last week at his sexual assault hearing.

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Mystery in the Middle of the Night

What happened to Red Eye’s Bill Schulz?  Schulz’s abrupt departure from the late-night talk show, coupled with a cursory announcement from host Greg Gutfeld that the longtime panelist had “moved on,” has tongue wagging.

.                            Greg Gutfeld                                                                         Bill Schulz

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On principle, I make a point of avoiding anything that might be described as “heartwarming.”  I do this because I am an incurable grouch.  But I’ll have to admit that I was caught up in the excitement on Friday when the Make-A-Wish Foundation took over San Francisco.

The foundation, as you probably know, exists to grant wishes to suffering people.  On Friday, the organization restored my faith in humanity when actor Alec Baldwin was granted his fondest desire:  to pummel paparazzi.  Thousands of spectators cheered and the Internet went nuts as Alec laid waste to photographers from TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, and other media outlets.

           Police stand by as Alec arrives for his big day.  Alec locates his first target.

Alec’s fans chant “Faggots! Faggots!” as the movie star has his way, below, with a startled photographer.

Throngs of excited San Franciscans show their appreciation for Alec.

Alec moves on to his next targets.

Even the president found time to send a video, wishing Alec well on his special day.

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At this point, historians could discover that Lyndon Johnson, crouching on the roof of the Texas Book Depository, killed Kennedy with a bazooka and I wouldn’t much care.

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An item in my local newspaper:

“Remarkably, the Houston Astros’ broadcast of a game with Cleveland on Sept. 22 registered a rating of 0.0.  As far as Nielsen could tell, nobody watched.”

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Fat Guys Gone Wild!

Fat Guy 1:  Chris Christie won re-election, and newspapers everywhere were forced to expand to single-column layouts.

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Fat Guys 2 and 3:  This kerfuffle over hazing/harassment/business-as-usual in the NFL won’t surprise anyone who’s seen what is perhaps the best sports movie ever made, 1979’s North Dallas Forty.

I have no idea how the Incognito-Martin squabble will resolve itself, but I do know this:  I just finished watching MSNBC, and a panel of gays and hetero “girlie men” were discussing how to fix pro football — and that has to be every NFL fan’s worst nightmare.

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Fat Guy 4:  Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (photo at top).  Enough said.

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CNN’s Brooke Baldwin might want to choose her words more carefully.  On Thursday, she did a segment on mental illness.  This is how she introduced Joe Pantoliano, an actor who has struggled with clinical depression: “Looking at your credits, you’re this crazy successful actor.”

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Best Show That You’re Probably Not Watching:

The Returned.  Critics keep referring to this eight-part French series as a “zombie” show.  It is not.  It is a ghost show, dammit.

Sundance Channel has again imported an intriguing drama that, aside from all else, is great-looking.  Top of the Lake gave us spectacular New Zealand scenery.  The Returned takes us to the French Alps.  I’ve only seen the first two episodes, but the premise is a keeper:  Long-dead people suddenly show up at their loved ones’ doorsteps — including, apparently, a deceased serial killer.

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I guess it’s time to have my ears examined.  I keep hearing the most alarming things on cable news channels …

What I heard:  “I’m a C cup, and this is CNN.”

What she actually said:  “I’m S.E. Cupp, and this is CNN.”

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What I heard: “His book is — it’s even worse than it looks.” — MSNBC’s Alex Wagner.

What she actually said:  “His book is: It’s Even Worse than It Looks.”

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The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders.

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I haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians lately, so I  watched an episode.  When I tuned in, the charming sisters were trying to decide which of their vaginas smelled the worst.

If Muslim extremists ever conquer the United States, or if the poor finally revolt and imprison the rich, I will happily volunteer to join the firing squad when this awful family is lined up.

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Promo of the Week

“There are no frills; just a round oak table and intelligent discussion as Rose engages newsmakers.” — Comcast’s description of Charlie Rose.  Makes me want to watch — how about you?

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Melissa Harris-Perry interviewed the survivor of a horrible accident in which, evidently, the car’s headrest became fused to the man’s neck.

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Bravo recently premiered The People’s Couch, in which friends and relatives watch TV, and we watch them as they watch TV.  When I tuned in, everyone was watching My Little Pony.

I was tempted to call my landlady to see if she would like to come over and watch me as I watched these people watching My Little Pony.  Yes, it’s come to this. 

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I read that there was a picture of Lady Gaga’s ass.  So I Googled “Lady Gaga’s ass.”  Turns out there are many pictures of Lady Gaga’s ass.  This week, we dedicate the Review to Lady Gaga’s ass.

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This photo of a Notre Dame running back has been creating quite a stir.  Apparently, the ladies think he is quite the stud — we have to agree.

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TV Update

Shows We Hear Too Much About:

There has always been a whiff of “this show is for teen girls” about American Horror Story, but season three is dishing out more than a whiff.  Teen witches at a boarding school might pass for scary on the Disney Channel (“Let’s bring the cute dead boy back to life!”), but not so much anywhere else.  Grade:  B

I simply can’t watch The Walking Dead anymore.  The zombies are silly, there is very little suspense, and there are way, way too many “heartfelt” conversations.  Grade:  C

Shows We Hear Too Little About:

Spiral on Netflix (below).  Cool show, similar to American police procedurals but with French actors, French music, and French sets.  Did I mention that the show is French?  It’s also smart and more cinematic than most cop shows.  Caveat:  There are lots of lawyers, and that means lots of talking, and that means lots of subtitles.  Grade:  B+  Clips

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the phrase “miserable Russian peasants,” I don’t automatically think, “Funny stuff!”  But that’s what Harry Potter’s been up to on Ovation’s A Young Doctor’s Notebook (top).  Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm star in this black comedy about a city-boy doctor stuck in the boonies of 1917 Russia.  The first two episodes are so-so, but the third has some truly inspired slapstick.  Grade:  B+  Clips

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Anderson Cooper and Alex Castellanos (above) discussed Tea Party darling Ted Cruz:

Castellanos:  A friend explained to me today, finally, what Ted Cruz is doing.  And I finally understand:  He’s having bunny sex.

Cooper:  Wow.  This is the late-night edition of 360.

Castellanos:  In nature, there are boom-and-bust cycles.  The snowshoe hare, every ten years, multiplies sixfold.

Cooper:  Are you high?  What are you talking about?

Castellanos:  I am high.  Let me explain.  Let me explain … the bunny, the snowshoe hare — I thought it’s a marvelous explanation — every six years, every ten years multiplies sixfold.  Bunnies like sex, apparently.

There was more, but at this point I began to feel sorry for poor Cooper, who has had to deal with this kind of thing before.  Click here  and scroll about halfway down.

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Misused Word of the Week:  Brilliant

Piers Morgan, a brilliant journalist, interviewed Alan Dershowitz, a brilliant legal scholar, this week on CNN.  I would argue that there are only a handful of “brilliant” humans — generally toiling in the world of science — in each century.  Einstein was brilliant.  Stephen Hawking is brilliant.

Steve Jobs was not brilliant; he was pretty good at figuring out what people wanted from their computers.  Adrian Peterson is not brilliant; he’s pretty good at running with a football.  As for Morgan and Dershowitz, well ….

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Here’s a rat video.  But it’s a funny rat video.

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The Minnesota Lynx won their second WNBA title in three years.  In Minnesota, these are the only sports titles we win.  And so, in honor of our beloved women’s basketball team, I am this week including lots of  lynx.

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Normally, Fox’s Jesse Watters comes off as a smirking, condescending jerk.  But I will have to admit that his interview with Shubedi Shudarson (pictured at top), a United Nations guest from Nepal, was priceless.  Shudarson’s discourse on Nepali cuisine can be found at one minute, twenty-five seconds of this lynx.

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CNN’s Elizabeth Cohen and Carol Costello discussed the Obamacare Web site:

Cohen:  I still can’t log in.

Costello:  OK.  So I guess you can call maybe and get a live person on the phone to fix some of these problems — is that true?

Cohen:  Well, what you can do is if, like me, you’re not able to log in and you want to get insurance, you can call the 800 number that they have on their site.  They can help you with a lot of it over the phone and they can also send you information by snail mail.

Imagine that.  Isn’t modern technology amazing?

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We all hate commercials.  But the following ads are causing me to lose sleep at night.

“I won this 55-inch TV for less than thirty dollars on DealDash.com!”

You, too, can experience this charming woman — over and over and over again — by clicking on this lynx.

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This teeth-gnashing, suicide-inducing Goodwill commercial ran last year and now it’s back.  If I have to suffer through it again this year, so must you.  Click on this lynx.

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“President Obama has offered to pay out of his own pocket for the museum of Muslim culture.” — Fox’s Anna Kooiman (above), falling for and then reporting a fake story from a parody news site.

Sooner or later, when you staff your cable-news shows with blond bimbos, it will come back and bite you in the ass.

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Maxim is running another story about everyone’s favorite summer event, the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant.  Evidently, this was the only show in 2013 that did not feature Miley Cyrus — and she’s not happy about it.  Click on this lynx.

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