Craig Ferguson might seem to be David Letterman’s heir apparent at CBS, but I wouldn’t bet on it.  I like Ferguson because he’s an unabashed dirty old man who conducts interesting interviews and actually books an occasional (gasp!) author as a guest.  (Author:  someone who writes books.)

But Ferguson tends to hammer some bits to death (“You’re a racist, man!”) and, listening to his monologues, I sometimes forget what country I’m living in.  If anything remotely newsworthy occurs in Europe, Scottish-born Ferguson is sure to jump on it.  Despite his “It’s a great day for America!” he seems homesick.

  

Scarlett Johansson on her nude scenes in the new movie, Under the Skin:  “You assume it’s [the nudity] going to be a screenshot for someone.”

Strange society we live in.  Scarlett gets naked on the big screen for our entertainment, yet there’s a dude in prison for pilfering and posting naked selfies Scarlett shot in her bathroom (above).

Speaking of nudity, last week the Review featured a picture of naked Gwyneth Paltrow.  This week we’ve posted naked Scarlett Johansson selfies.  In the interest of fairness, this week we present a picture of naked George Bush, also a selfie.

“If you told me a high school senior had painted them, I would believe it.  Also, it was so strange to see a man who had seen the entire world paint himself alone in a bathroom in the bathtub naked.”

That was New York art critic Jerry Saltz on George Bush’s paintings.  In a stunning development, it turns out that Saltz intended those comments as praise.

CNN can’t find the damn plane.  CNN should hire this guy, who could always spot “da plane!”

 

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Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled and then came unhinged, whining about the rigors of movie-star life.  Gwyneth, shown hard at work above, is an ass.  Good-looking ass, but an ass.

I used to really dig the following shows, but lately … not so much:

American Horror Story.  What went wrong:  For its third season, creator Ryan Murphy decided to appeal more to teenage girls.  I am not a teenage girl – usually.

The Walking Dead.  What went wrong:  The walking dead resemble drunken octogenarians, and drunken octogenarians do not frighten.  But the zombies are veritable Mensa members compared to the dullard humans on this show, who engage in boring, earnest heart-to-hearts and then make stupid decisions.

The Americans.  What went wrong:  I’m not sure.  I simply lost interest, although I might perk up if they resume featuring the fetching Annet Mahendru in nude scenes.    

Sherlock.  What went wrong:  I suspect that the writers began to believe their own good press and, rather than concentrate on great scripts, decided that Cumberbatch Fever could carry the day.  It can’t.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!  What went wrong:  Apparently the show went off the air in 2009.  No wonder I lost interest. 

             

*****

Quotes of the Week:

“I’m round, tired, grouchy, smelly and horny!” – Kendra Wilkinson (above) in her People magazine blog.  I had no idea we have so much in common.

“You compared the reliance on these black boxes to using a VCR in the age of Netflix and streaming video.” – Wolf Blitzer discussing airplane “black boxes.”  Not a great analogy, Wolf.  I am forever enduring buffering issues with Netflix streaming video, a problem I never had with my good old VCR.

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Beach Bums!

Like everyone else in America, I eagerly tuned in for the season premiere of Naked and Afraid.  But I get confused by this show.  

At times, survivalist poopers are on full display (above).  At other times, editors blur out survivalist poopers (below).  Is there a pooper-display quota at Discovery Channel?  Someone must get to the bottoms of this.

Speaking of poopers, I’ve been concerned for the cameramen on CBS’ Survivor, keeping my fingers crossed that the boys would find an appropriate pooper on which to focus this season.  For awhile, it seemed that the guys were ogling Lindsey Ogle (top of the page and the pooper above right), but I believe that they have instead opted for survivor Alexis Maxwell, whose pooper is presented below.

Poor Anthony.  You know you’re getting up in years when they make a biblical movie and cast you as Methuselah.

“Vikings … is a visual feast of sweaty women with the physiques of Playboy Playmates.  The scene of Princess Aslaug slowly undressing and lowering herself into the tub was a gift to us all.” – Entertainment Weekly

Just kidding.  Here is what Entertainment Weekly actually wrote:

“Vikings … is a visual feast of sweaty men with the physiques of CrossFit coaches.  The scene of Ragnar slowly undressing and lowering himself into the tub was a gift to us all.”

And so EW continues its crusade to eradicate one gender’s sexism in favor of … well, another gender’s sexism.  Thank goodness that we here at the Weekly Review never engage in that sort of behavior.

“If this is true, this is a moment of understanding of nature of such a magnitude that it just overwhelms.” – Stanford University professor Andrei Linde discussing something about something.  Whenever scientists claim that a new discovery will overwhelm us, you can be sure that the public reaction will be … underwhelming.

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Other than some missing airplane near the Indian Ocean, there was no actual news this week.  Therefore, we dedicate the week’s review to the art of Hieronymus Bosch.

Miley Cyrus keeps getting relegated to the outer edge of Entertainment Gaily’s “Bullseye,” a graphic page that rates one’s cultural relevance/irrelevance/glory/disgrace by placing you either near the bullseye (good) or far away (bad).  If you are a sexy female who appeals to heterosexual males, like poor Miley, you spend many weeks on the outer edge.

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This headline is just nuts.

Bonehead Quotes of the Week:

“Our next guest says Putin could care less about violating international law.” – CNN’s Brianna Keilar.  “Could care less”?  Just shoot me now, please. 

“Now they admit, Jon, they could be wrong about all of this.” – Fox’s John Roberts discussing the “experts” who link cancer to eating too much protein.

Pretty much everything that comes out of the mouth of Fox anchor Gretchen Carlson.  I wish this bubblebrain would stop reminding viewers that she’s from Minnesota, because it’s a source of shame and embarrassment for those of us who still live there.

“Oprah is disgusting.” – Red Eye’s Andy Levy, speaking truth about Her Obesity and therefore not belonging on this list of boneheaded quotes.

Speaking of Minnesota, we have had 50 days with subzero temperatures this winter. It will be a cold day in hell before you catch me watching this Nat Geo series.

Monitoring Twitter feeds during the Oscars would have been beyond depressing, were it not for the amusing banter of these two knuckleheads:

Oh, and Rose McGowan was also entertaining:

The Huffington Post is still seeking a good proofreader:

An hour later:

Apparently, renowned practical joker Vladimir Putin once tested dog-phobic Angela Merkel’s self-control by producing a black Labrador during a meeting with the German chancellor.  I would suggest that the next time they meet, Merkel test Putin’s self-control by producing a bunch of shirtless little boys.

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With anemic ratings, I suppose MSNBC can’t be blamed for diversifying its programming, but this new sitcom about three liberals trying to kick smoking habits in London seems in bad taste.

*****

If I was that ugly, I’d wear a mask in public, too.

The Red Road:  Jason Momoa (above) exudes charismatic menace; he’s an Arnold Schwarzenegger who can act.  But despite Momoa’s hulking presence and an atmosphere dripping with sweat and crickets, I’m thinking something more needs to actually happen on this show. 

*****

“The smartest folks I know in just about every academic or policy field, don’t tweet, blog, or actively appear in the media.” – Micah Zenko of the Council on Foreign Relations

For those of us who regularly watch the blithering idiots on CNN, Fox, and MSNBC, this is the most heartening news of the week.  Thank God that America’s brightest minds are not the nattering nabobs of cable news.

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*****

Some people believe that great writers are born with the talent; others believe it’s an acquired skill.  The Grouch recently discovered the following masterpiece, written when he was but a child of eight years.  Strong evidence, indeed, that literary giants attain that status at an early age:

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*****

 

 

The Atlanta freeway fiasco reminded me of the movie Falling Down, in which Michael Douglas did not react well to traffic jams.

 

 

*****

 

Is it possible to feel sorry for a television network?  I am beginning to pity poor Starz, which keeps churning out dull-as-dishwater series in a fruitless attempt to follow the examples of HBO, AMC, FX, et al.  I tried to watch … (zzzzzzzzz) … Starz’s new pirate show, Black Sails and … (zzzzzz) … I’m sorry – what was I saying?

 

 

 

*****

 

Something called Esquire Network aired the Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day at 7, 9, and 11 p.m. on Thursday.  Someone in the Esquire Network programming department deserves a raise.

 

 

*****

 

Helen Mirren got lots of press for “twerking” at the Harvard Hasty Pudding awards. But this is old news.  Here is Helen twerking with Malcolm McDowell in 1979’s Caligula.

 

        

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