The Grouchy Editor

The Tony Awards:  When you start your telecast with five minutes of Hugh Jackman bouncing up and down like a 12-year-old girl on a pogo stick, please don’t ask why your show doesn’t attract bigger ratings.

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Quotes of the Week

“Unless they have a small pecker.” — Joanne Nosuchinsky on Red Eye, reacting when another panelist said that wealthy men tend not to boast.

“We came out of the White House not only dead broke,  but in debt … we struggled to, you know, piece together the resources for mortgages, for houses.”  – Hillary Clinton.  Nice to know that our potential FFP (first female president) is just as blind as any male politician to the lifestyle of average Americans.

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Playboy used to run advertisements that asked the rhetorical question, “What sort of man reads Playboy?”  I was curious about “what sort of woman attends a small-penis pageant,” and so I visited the King’s County Bar’s Facebook page to see which women plan to giggle and ogle men with small peckers as they are measured for the ladies’ entertainment.  Here are a few of the wicked females who plan to attend:

hmmmm … where do I sign up?

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Right now there are just two shows I will go out of my way to watch – Fargo and Louie – and they both happen to be on FX.   FX is about to premiere a boatload of new series, and that makes me very happy.

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Nancy Grace is upset with The Slender Man.  Now that’s a wrestling match I’d pay to watch.

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The British royals don’t like it when media publishes pictures like this one, in which Kate Middleton had a wardrobe malfunction, so here you go.

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CNN’s Brooke Baldwin interviewed I Dream of Jeannie star Barbara Eden and mistook her for Bewitched’s Elizabeth Montgomery.  This is what happens when you let a young puppy like Baldwin interview a Baby Boomer icon:

“Will you wiggle your nose for me?” – Baldwin

“Well, that was the other girl.  I didn’t wiggle.” – Eden

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I can’t imagine any human male willingly going anywhere near her ass, so I guess we can’t blame her for getting excited when something else does.

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Jerk Politicians of the Week

Dick Cheney, who inexplicably feels qualified to criticize the current administration, called Obama “weak.”

John Kerry called Edward Snowden a coward for not returning to America to face “justice.”  Kerry knows damn well that espionage laws allow for no such thing.

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I never thought I’d feel the urge to defend the owner of a Dallas sports team but, poor Mark Cuban.  He made the mistake of ignoring political correctness and speaking the truth about race, and now he’s getting hammered.

I would love to place some of these self-righteous, cable-news talking heads on an inner-city street at midnight, alone, and then see how gallant they are when approached by a group of A) teenage, hoodie-clad black guys, or B) teenage, tattooed white skinheads.

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I’m not sure that I believe this guy is really “dead.”  I mean, look at him.  Plus, his name is an anagram of Rufos Dracule.

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This heroic cat business is forcing some of us to rethink our opinion of felines.  Good-guy cats and villainous dogs?  Has hell frozen over?

Now they are saying that the cat is slated to throw out the first pitch at a ballgame.  No word on whether or not she is a southpaws.

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It was nice to see so much media attention given to The Kiss this week.  As usual, we here at grouchyeditor were ahead of the curve, having shined the spotlight on Thomas Edison’s groundbreaking 1896 movie as our “Free Flick of the Week” for March 28, 2011.

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Barbara Walters retiring?  Yeah, right.  I’m betting that she will vanish from the scene just like Larry King vanished from the scene.

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If you are a middle-aged, homely comedian – but you do have a successful TV show – one of the perks is that you get to write love scenes for yourself and hot young actresses.  If you don’t believe that, just ask Marc Maron, above, and Louis C.K., below.

One of the circus acrobats injured in a “human chandelier” act that went bad last week is named Samantha Pitard.

Because we will go to any extreme to create an awful pun, we thought we’d mention that, in the picture above, it’s quite possible that one of the girls is being hoisted by her own Pitard.

They claim the magic age is 70, but I can attest that it happens much earlier than that.

Jessica Alba told Glamour magazine why she has a no-nudity clause in her film contracts:  “I don’t want my grandparents to see my boobs,” Alba explained.  “That’s it.  It would be weird at Christmas.  And I mean, really, if you look at the movies I have done, getting naked would never elevate the picture.”

I guess Jessica didn’t mind her grandparents seeing her butt-ass-naked spanking scene in The Killer Inside Me, pictured below.  

Public Service Announcement:  Our Web-site host announced that it will stop providing that service in June.  We here at grouchyeditor are working feverishly to migrate this site to a new location, but in the meantime, if you visit us and your computer explodes, you’ll know why.

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Last week we showed how Delino DeShields’s face exploded when struck by an errant baseball.  This week, we show how NBA commissioner Adam Silver’s ears exploded when exposed to an audiotape of Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

60 Minutes did a great piece about a 104-year-old Brit who saved 669 children during World War II.  Nicholas Winton, above right, was a stockbroker. Hard to believe that, once upon a time, someone in that now-reviled profession could act heroically.  Speaking of stockbrokers …

“It’s the reputational damage that this administration has done to Wall Street.  Wall Street is considered … like the devil, to most people’s mind. One of the reasons why is the constant attacks.”  – Fox correspondent Charles Gasparino, above, explaining Wall Street’s resentment toward Obama.

Oh, boo hoo.  If only the rest of us would stop being so mean to the bankers and stock analysts on Wall Street, those selfless patriots who had nothing to do with the financial collapse.  Perhaps if we apologized they would eventually forgive us and things could go back to normal.
 

“Drive yourself to Oberrickenbach …. Man, can you imagine being in a spelling bee in Germany?” – cowboy Cord or cowboy Jet – I can’t tell them apart – struggling with spelling and geography in Switzerland on The Amazing Race.

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George Clooney got engaged to Amal Alamuddin, below left.  I had no idea that the late, great Hugh Griffith, below right, had a daughter. 

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I suppose it’s an indicator that I have mental-health issues, but very few things make me laugh out loud and one of them is the fart-prank video.  I can spend hours watching this kind of tomfoolery on YouTube.

The undisputed King of the Fart Prank has to be Jack Vale.  Jack is the harmless-looking bozo in the white t-shirt in these pictures, in which he is seemingly passing gas — and eliciting angry glares from girls at the beach. 

If you, like me, are afflicted with the sense of humor of a ten-year-old, Jack’s videos are highly recommended. 

Phrases We Need to Dump:

“She continues on her journey.”

“He moves on to the next chapter of his life.”

This is trite, pretentious drivel.  Also, no one reads books these days; we watch videos.  Rather than, “After much contemplation, Jack continued on his journey and moved on to the next chapter of his life,” I would suggest:  “Jack set the stage for the next scene in his YouTube-driven existence.”

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Compared to other sports, baseball has a reputation for being soft.  But I don’t recall seeing pictures like this after mishaps in hockey or football.

Entertainment Weekly’s cover (below) features Hugh Jackman and Jennifer Lawrence in clownish superhero getups.  At first glance, I thought I was looking at Eddie Munster all grown up, and Ted Danson in blackface.  Or blueface, I guess.

Also coming soon to a theater near you is a Sin City sequel with Mickey Rourke, which brings to mind Rourke’s buffoonish appearance in the original film (below, and photo at top).  It’s hard enough to take these endless comic-book movies seriously, but when the stars are forced to look this ridiculous, well ….

Fox is premiering a new panel show called Outnumbered.  Nothing new about being outnumbered on Fox, which for years has followed the format of pitting one liberal guest against a small army of conservatives on shows like The O’Reilly Factor and Hannity.  Fair and balanced, my ass.

                                            Ted Bundy                                                                 Al Bundy

 Cliven Bundy

Is everyone named Bundy a certified fruit loop?

“It’s now been six weeks since Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, along with 239 people on board.  Six weeks of new leads that have led nowhere, really.” – CNN’s Jake Tapper

Yes, and five weeks of hysterical coverage on CNN that has taught us nothing, really.

This photo of Kate Middleton and some goofball in New Zealand did not make deadline for last week’s “Review,” but it amuses us, so here it is.

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I was curious about ratings for the new FX miniseries, Fargo, so I checked a couple of Web sites.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

From Variety:

I am still curious about the ratings for Fargo.

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Seth Meyers, above right with guest Anderson Cooper, talks about sports a lot on his late-night show.  Seth Meyers mentions his wife a lot, too.  But … Seth Meyers is gay, right?  Right?

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Rest in peace, Andy Rooney.  Rooney passed away Sunday at age 93.  Funny what you learn about people after they’re gone.  For example, I had no idea that 60 Minutes mainstay Rooney was a former Hollywood star and, on top of that, I actually thought he had died some years ago.

The Huffington Post is still looking for a good proofreader.

CNN is running out of experts to interview about the missing Malaysian plane.  On Wednesday, Don Lemon turned to George Stephanopoulos, pictured below.  Wait ….

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Two weeks ago we wrote about our waning interest in The Americans.  More skin might pique our interest, we said.  Someone at FX must have paid attention, because this week the show bombarded us with bare bums.  In the bottom picture, star Keri Russell moons the camera; in the top picture, guest star George Stephanopoulos prepares to slip between the sheets. 

*  We apologize for any factual errors in this week’s edition of the Review.  It was a perplexing news week and, like The Huffington Post, we are looking for a good proofreader.

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