Category: Weekly Reviews

Fallon9


Yawn.  Now that the late-night audience has fragmented and shrunk, hosting The Tonight Show is no longer such a big deal.

Jimmy Fallon’s a talented guy, but after five minutes of listening to him and Will Smith gush about how wonderful they are, I had to switch channels.  Fallon does a funny monologue, and he shines in skits, but his interviews are often mind-numbingly kiss ass.

 

*****


Oscar Predictions:

The show will be long and feature a hokey, god-awful musical number.

 

 
*****
 


60Min

 

For reasons known only to the ghost of Edward R. Murrow,  60 Minutes continues to do puff pieces on Hollywood actors.  Lesley Stahl interviewed Cate Blanchett, and I learned that Blanchett’s first love is the theater – something I’d never heard from any other film star.  I also learned that she likes to stretch herself as an actress, even though that can involve “risk” – something else I’d never heard from any other actor.  And I learned that Cate loves her children and even brought them to the set of Blue Jasmine.  Fascinating stuff.

 

*****

 

Hannity2

 

“the upcoming blockbuster movie” – the prophet Hannity, conferring “blockbuster” status on Son of God, a movie that hasn’t even opened.
 
 
 
*****
 

Some people believe that great writers are born with the talent; others believe its an acquired skill.  The Grouch recently discovered the following masterpiece, written when he was but a child of eight years.  Strong evidence, indeed, that literary giants attain that status at an early age:

 

1966

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Bosch1

 

Amazon is asking customers to vote on a slew of new pilots.  I watched five of them:

 

       Bosch2

 

Bosch:  It’s handsome and smooth and atmospheric, but it’s another cop show.  The cop (Titus Welliver, top and above left) is sullen and misunderstood – in other words, hes just like 99 percent of the cops on other cop shows.

 

**

 

Mozart

 

Mozart in the Jungle:  It has a unique setup – backstage with New York City classical musicians.  Score one point.  It seems to be intelligent.  Score another point. For a show billed as a “comedy,” it has very few laughs.  Subtract one point.

 

**

 

Transparent:  Great title.  Intriguing premise (dad is closet transgender; adult kids don’t know).  But the kids are painfully self-centered; do you really want to spend much time with them?  Side note:  For a show featuring attractive young actors who are often naked, it sure has some unflattering butt shots – or maybe it’s just me.  You be the judge:

 

Transparent2

Transparent1

 

**

 

Rebels

 

The Rebels:  Have you seen Wildcats or Major League or any other comedy in which the team is owned or coached by a woman?  Then you’ve already seen this.

 

**

 

After3After2

 

The After:  I don’t care if creator Chris Carter (The X Files) is revered in sci-fi circles; dumb characters doing dumb things make for a dumb show.

 

*****

 

Giamatti                Louis3

 

It hasn’t been a great month for paunchy, balding celebrities.  Louis C.K., who in recent years could do no wrong in the eyes of the media, got torn a new one by Dylan Farrow for, apparently, guilt by association because he appeared in a film directed by Farrow nemesis Woody Allen.   Next, a film Louis made back in 1998 and which he is now hawking on his Web site was branded “amateurish [and] unfunny” by Entertainment Weekly.  According to EW, dropping five bucks to stream Louis’s old movie up to three times is “less a value incentive than a threat.”

Meanwhile, character actor Paul Giamatti is slated to make a much-anticipated guest appearance on Downton Abbey.  “Much anticipated” by you, perhaps, but not by me.   Frankly, I am so sick and tired of listening to Giamatti lecture me about “humans” on his omnipresent Liberty Mutual commercials that the only thing I’m anticipating is his early retirement.

 

*****

 

              Chamoun

              Chamoun2

 

I’ve been unable to muster much enthusiasm for the Winter Olympics, but lately I’ve taken an interest in alpine skiing (above).

 

 *****

 

Ralph Waite died this week, which brought to mind one thought and one image. Waite played a beloved father on The Waltons, as did Robert Young on Father Knows Best.  Both were Hollywood drunks.  Lesson:  Best not play a beloved father on TV.  The image:  If you have a fear of heights, the opening scene of Cliffhanger is terrifying.  Almost as terrifying as this crazed expression on Ralph Waites mug:

 
 
                Waite2

 

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Bundy       Manson
Bashir       Dahmer2

 

What do you put on the air when no one is watching your network?  I thought MSNBCs lineup during Sundays Super Bowl was interesting: back-to-back specials on Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Martin Bashir.  OK, just kidding about that last one.

 

*****

 
Amazon premiered a butt-load of series pilots and then asked customers to rate them.  I watched something called The After, which was … blah  silly space aliens and generic characters saying and doing clichéd things.  On the other hand, it did have a gratuitous skinny-dip by actress Arielle Kebbel (or a body double; hard to say, below).  Amazon ought to drop the aliens and feature more Kebbels n bits.
 
 
Kebbel1      Kebbel2

 

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Bowl

 

Here’s hoping that the weather is really crappy at tomorrow’s Super Bowl.  Nothing like sitting in a warm living room with a big-screen TV and a bowl of chips, and watching rich status seekers in utter misery, to cheer a person up.
 
 
*****

 

Twitter logo

 

I took to Twitter during the Grammys, and I learned something:  A lot of our tweeting celebrities are pretty lame when they dont have a written script.  Im looking at you, Patton Oswalt, Lizz Winstead, and Lena Dunham. 
 
Speaking of the Grammys, my girl Miley Cyrus was robbed.  Im thinking that her a cappella version of “We Can’t Stop” with The Roots was song of the year.  (video here)

 

Roots

 

*****

 

Falling2

 

The Atlanta freeway fiasco reminded me of the movie Falling Down, in which Michael Douglas did not react well to traffic jams.

 

Falling1

 

*****

 

Is it possible to feel sorry for a television network?  I am beginning to pity poor Starz, which keeps churning out dull-as-dishwater series in a fruitless attempt to follow the examples of HBO, AMC, FX, et al.  I tried to watch … (zzzzzzzzz) … Starz’s new pirate show, Black Sails and … (zzzzzz) … I’m sorry – what was I saying?
 
 
Sails

 

*****

 

Something called Esquire Network aired the Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day at 7, 9, and 11 p.m. on Thursday.  Someone in the Esquire Network programming department deserves a raise.
 
 
*****

 

Helen Mirren got lots of press for twerking at the Harvard Hasty Pudding awards. But this is old news.  Here is Helen twerking with Malcolm McDowell in 1979’s Caligula.

 

Calig6         Calig4

 

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NFL: Kansas City Chiefs at Oakland Raiders

 

                         Lacy1    Lacy2

 

Cheerleader “Lacy T” (above) is suing the Oakland Raiders for … geez, I dunno.  Not for money, apparently.

 

Lacy T:  It’s not even about money.

CNN’s Brooke Baldwin:  It’s not?

Lacy T:  It’s about them paying everyone on the team for the hours that we worked and to change the contract to where next year’s Raiderettes get paid every two weeks.

Baldwin:  So it is about making more money?

Lacy T:  I’m sorry, what was that?

Baldwin:  So it is, though, a little bit about making more money?

Lacy T:  Obviously, we are working.  We are working really hard and we are extremely talented ….  Any hour that you work in a week, you expect to be paid under the law.

 

But it’s not about money.  Apparently.

 
 
                                                 *****
 
 
                             Here it …  Clinton2   comes!

 

 
 
                                                 *****
 
 
                        Fatty
 
 
I was watching Saturday Night Live last week when a commercial came on for DirecTV.  Kind of sad because the ad, featuring “big fatty face” (above), was much funnier than anything on the show.

 

                                                 *****

 

From “The Grouchy Weekly Review,” April 4, 2010:

 

About a month ago, I was watching [Jimmy Kimmel’s] show when he had a segment about a little girl who was infatuated with some teen pop star, and Kimmel arranged to have the pop star surprise the precocious tot with a visit on the show.  It was cute.  End of story.  I thought.

Some time later, I noticed the pop star’s name, Justin Bieber, in the newspaper. Then he showed up in Newsweek.  And in Time.  And in Entertainment Weekly.  And on Chelsea Handler’s TV show.  Now I see the kid is slated to appear on Saturday Night Live.  Who the hell IS this kid?

 

 

                                          Bieber

 

*****

 

                                      Still …  Clinton1  coming!

 

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True2

 

 

                                           TV Update

 

It’s the dog days of (new) TV, but there are a few bright spots.

True Detective
I’ve only seen the first episode, but there is good news:  Woody Harrelson, who is equally adept at playing good guys and bad guys, is a folksy good guy in this … or is he?  Matthew McConaughey, an actor who strikes me as insufferably arrogant in many of his films, is low-key and intriguing here as an eccentric cop … or is he?  (HBO)  Grade:  Too early to say.

 

 

Lily

 

Lilyhammer:   From a review in the New York Times:  “So how is Lilyhammer?  Odd mostly.”  It is odd, a peculiar mix of slapstick, culture-clash humor and, occasionally, graphic violence.  But Steven van Zandt is endlessly watchable as the Mafia’s answer to Archie Bunker, and the supporting cast of Norwegian bumblers is priceless.   Another plus:  The scenery is spectacular.  (Netflix)  Grade:  B+

 

 

Myrtle

 


Welcome to Myrtle Manor:   I quit watching Honey Boo Boo last year when the hillbilly novelty wore off.  I have no idea why the same thing hasn’t happened to me (yet) with the cast of trailer trash on Myrtle Manor.  (TLC)  Grade:  No grade everyone dropped out of school.

 

 

AbAnna

 

Downton Abbey:  Fans are complaining (“outraged,” according to The Huffington Post) about the rape of their beloved “Anna.”  Fans are ridiculous.  This is a melodrama; thus, melodramatic things happen.  Would those “outraged” fans prefer that the major conflict on DA revolve around the mystery of who spilled tea on the library carpet?  (PBS)  Grade:  B+

 

                                           *****

 

PartridgeGilligan


I’m old enough to remember both Gilligan’s Island and The Partridge Family when they originally aired.  They were considered junk TV when they aired, mostly because they were – and are – junk TV.  But thanks to nostalgia, it’s now big news when Reuben and the Professor die.

 

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FatChris

 

I suppose we could make a Humpty Dump- … er, Chris Christie joke here, but this is a classy Web site, so we won’t.

 

                                                *****

 

Suer

 

 Bullshit Artist of the Week:  Joy Galicki

 

Jake Tapper:  Joy, what exactly are you suing for?  How much money?

Joy Galicki:  This … is not a money thing.  It’s the fact that I physically got sick over this, is what bothers me the most, and I’m very skittish to go over the George Washington Bridge, which I have to do on a daily basis.

Poor Joy, pictured above (left) with her lawyer – who appears to be having trouble keeping a straight face – was traumatized by being stuck in traffic during the New Jersey lanes closing.  Nice to know that, should her class-action lawsuit succeed, the taxpayers will help make Joy feel less “skittish.”

 

                                                  *****

 

I woke up Monday morning and saw this on my computer:

 

Temperature

 

I went straight back to bed.  Wouldn’t you?

 

                                                  *****

 

Seagal

 

Steven Seagal is contemplating a gubernatorial run in Arizona.  If  I’m his opponent, I’m certain to use this picture of Steven “reaching out” to a young constituent.

 

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Mitt1

 

I’ve studied this controversial Christmas card featuring the Romneys and their grandchildren, but I fail to see what all the fuss is about.

 

                                                 *****

 

Amazon’s new Kindle Fire tablet piqued my interest, so I checked out some customer reviews.

 

TVGo

 

I’d say that’s a five-star review to end all five-star reviews.

 

    *****

 

     Penguins
Penguins2


I don’t understand what ails CNN.  Cooking shows, travelogues, penguin documentaries … everything but actual news.  And I used to think that MSNBC was bad with its non-stop airing of prison shows.

 

                                               *****

 

Putin2

 

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin announced that he will combat rumors that he has a small penis by competing in 50 events at the upcoming Winter Olympics.  Putin, above left with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, vowed to win gold in all 50 events.

World-renowned for his manliness, Putin last competed in a sporting event in 2006, when he exhibited great skill at the Kiss Small Boy on the Belly Games (below).

 

Putin2006

 

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BlackEye

 

 

                                        Holiday Cheer


In case you’re sick of the bland, sweet crap that dominates TV this month, here is an entertaining antidote from director Bob Clark, the same man who gave the world A Christmas StoryBlack Christmas will make you feel all warm and fuzzy – if by “warm and fuzzy” you mean pissing your pants and raising goose bumps.

 

Black4          Black5

 

This 1974 horror classic is the anti-Christmas Story.  But don’t mistakenly rent the insipid, 2006 remake.  And don’t watch it if you live in a house with an attic.

 

                                                 *****

 

Sprouse

 

What the hell is a “Dylan Sprouse”?  Apparently, now even Opie from Mayberry has leaked nude photos.

 

                                                 *****

 

Memory1

 

Terrific.  Now I’ll be able to make the same dumb mistakes, over and over and over again.

 

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Duck2

 

I’ve never seen an entire episode of Duck Dynasty, so I did some research when all hell broke loose over star Phil Robertson’s controversial interview.  Here is what Rachel Maddow had to say last month after airing a Duck clip on her show:

“That is from the reality TV show Duck Dynasty.  I saw that one.  It’s really good.

“If you haven’t watched it, you owe it to yourself to watch it just so you understand your country, in the sense that you need to understand what everybody else is watching.  Duck Dynasty is a phenomenon like no other on the TV machine in America.

Duck Dynasty is bigger than The Beatles right now.  It is bigger against anything on TV.  Some nights it’s up against American Idol which is on network TV, and everybody gets that for free. Duck Dynasty is on cable, but Duck Dynasty beats American Idol.”

From that, I take it that Rachel is a fan of Duck Dynasty.  I would imagine that she admires the Robertson family’s stand on gay rights.

 

Duck1

 

*****

 

Bolton

 

Asshole of the Week:

 

Fox News commentator John Bolton wants to see Edward Snowden hanging from a tree.  Some of us would like to see John Bolton hanging from a tree — preferably by his stupid mustache.

 

*****

 

Tomato Tomato Terror Alert  

 

In my ongoing quest to ensure that folks enjoy the holiday season, I hereby issue an alert to avoid the following movies, both of which can be found on Netflix.

Berberian Sound Studio (2012)   If you visit the Rotten Tomatoes Web site, you will learn that 83 percent of professional critics give this pretentious piece of junk a thumbs’ up.  Some quotes:  “A work of art.”  “Utterly entrancing.”  “Altogether transfixing.”

If you make the mistake of believing these idiots and watch the movie, what you’ll get is a lot of close-ups of actor Toby Jones (below), who is described in his Tomatoes bio as “a man with a peculiar face and small stature.”  There are also many close-ups of vegetables being squashed.

One critic got it right when he said, “[It’s] a movie that may whisper dark secrets into your ears at night, when you’re trying to forget it.”  I’m still trying to forget it.

 

Jones4

 

Zombie3

 

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011)   This is a good example of why some people watch only American movies.  There is no polite way to say this:  The Japanese are bat-shit crazy.

Like Berberian Sound Studio, Zombie Ass (above and below) features lots of close-ups.  Close-ups of female rear ends.  Close-ups of female rear ends farting.  And doing worse.  Much worse.  Merry Christmas.

 

Zombie4

 

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