The Grouchy Editor

I don’t understand the terrorist mindset.  Seems to me that if you’re going to be outraged by Western media, you might want to direct your anger at art that actually stands a chance of influencing people.

A few years ago, extremists went ballistic over an amateurish video, Innocence of Muslims, that looked like it was produced by Mrs. Spolum’s third-grade students.  Today, we have Kim Jong-un throwing a hissy fit over a piece of Hollywood fluff called The Interview, and French fanatics freaking out over juvenile cartoons published in a magazine nobody’s heard of.

Who could be next on the terrorists’ hit list?  Adam Sandler?

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Difficult Quiz:

Which dude above is CNN’s gay sex-symbol anchorman, and which dudes are his guests?

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From The Huffington Post:

Well, Jones did once tell a national TV audience that Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman “looks good in the shower.”

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From Politico:

Will someone please explain how it is that Boehner can be at his desk smoking a Camel?  Are members of Congress, unlike the rest of us, allowed to smoke cigarettes in public buildings?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

New Year’s Resolutions:

• Here’s hoping there are more airplane disasters, so that CNN might finally go to 23-hour airplane-crash coverage and change its name to AC (airplane crash) 360.  One hour per day would be allocated to Anthony Bourdain, who would, of course, review airline food.
• Here’s hoping the cable-news networks will institute bans on politicians using the following phrases:  “the American people,” “American women,” “African-Americans,” and “Mexican-Americans.”  Those aren’t political coalitions.  American women, African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, and the American people seem to be just as splintered as any other group.
• Here’s hoping there will be no more stories about the booming American economy.  Until Joe and Mary Sixpack feel the “booming American economy” in their wallets, they don’t want to hear about Wall Street.

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What I Heard:

“I’m not wearing football pants.”

What He Actually Said:

“I’m not wearing football pads.”

— Brett Favre in a commercial for Copper Fit.  I’m not convinced that Favre is the guy you want talking about not wearing things.

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Word That You Didn’t Know Exists:

So if you are happy with your boss, that makes you a gruntled employee.

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There was no news in America this week.  There was also no news in the outside world.  I know this to be true because Bill, Rachel, and all of the cable news networks – MSNBC, CNN, Fox – took the week off.

In that same spirit, we have decided to take the week off.  So please enjoy this picture of a goat:

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Before we sign off we’d like to thank Facebook, which poked its nose into our affairs and created a delightful “year in review” graphic for loyal users.  Per Facebook, here is what the Grouch’s 2014 looked like:

Here’s hoping that 2015 does not, once again, resemble a pile of fake vomit.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Hate to say “I told you so,” but I told you so.  From December 2012 (click here). 

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Bullshit:

“The New York Times calls it the most extraordinary film since …”

“A riveting piece of art — The Washington Post”

“Rolling Stone says this is the best …”

Truth:

One nerdy guy with glasses at The New York Times, one constipated woman at The Washington Post, and one hack having a bad day at Rolling Stone wrote the reviews.  One opinion, but it sounds a lot more impressive when you say an entire publication likes your movie/book/music.

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I suppose this is just another case of Grouch’s dirty-old-manliness, but a piece this week on the local news about sexy reporter Natalie Nyhus’s lap-sit with Santa Claus caused Grouch’s egg to nog, his toe to mistle, and his candy to cane. 

Excerpts:

Natalie:  “It’s not often you get a one on one with Santa, and I had some burning questions.”

Natalie:  “Santa has a way of knowing whether you’ve been naughty or nice – at least, most of the time.”

Santa:  “You have to be a little naughty.”

Natalie:  “Yeah.”

Santa:  “OK, well you know that.”

Natalie:  “I do!”

Santa:  “Just a little bit.”

Natalie:  “Just a little bit.”

After the report, anchor Liz Collin, no lump of coal herself, seemed as intrigued as the Grouch was about Natalie’s cuddle with Claus:

Liz:  “Was that a little pillow talk you were having with Santa there?”

Natalie:  “I was sitting on his lap.”

Liz:  “You touched his key!”

Natalie:  “What?”

The girls seemed a bit churlish with each other.  If only some other bearded dude could mediate for them … wait … what’s this?

Reached for comment, the Grouch wouldn’t say whether or not the girls touched his key, but he did say that they jingled his bells.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Things That Did Not Happen on TV But Really Should Have:

The anaconda did not eat the man on Discovery Channel.

Erin Burnett, discussing rectal feeding on CNN, did not demonstrate rectal feeding for her audience.

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What is it with Sean Hannity and this constant football tossing?  Is he a jock wannabe, a failed athlete who doesn’t realize he looks like a pathetic old guy experiencing a midlife crisis?

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From the Department of “Did I Miss Something?”

“I definitely enjoyed the clip of you saying, talking about him being hung.” – The Washington Post’s Dana Milbank, teasing MSNBC’s Alex Wagner about something she apparently said about Darrell Issa.

OK ….

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Lessons of the Past Year for Today’s Young People: 

If you go into law, study hard and get good grades.  Some day you can use your knowledge of the law to … find ways to avoid or ignore it:

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If you go into public service, work hard and please your superiors.  Some day you can use your bureaucratic skills to … lie to Congress and the public:

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If you go into journalism, always be aware of which way the political winds are blowing.  Some day you can use your writing talents to … invent stories to gain fame and fortune:

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Finally, if you want to run the country but don’t like politics, go work for Wall Street and buy yourself a politician – or hundreds of them:

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This is our last week of Craig Ferguson on CBS, damn it.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Another Gratuitous Bare Butt Edition

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The week began with lots of positive news:  a vaccine for Ebola that has no side effects, the potential end of chemotherapy as a cancer treatment, falling gas prices, etcetera.  Pinch me.

But then … the New York grand-jury decision.  My first colonoscopy on Wednesday.  Alas, things are as unpleasant as ever.

Politics do indeed make strange bedfellows.  Incredibly, I found myself cheering Fox’s Greg Gutfeld and Ron Paul’s little boy Rand when they linked anti-smoker madness to the death of Eric Garner.  Problem is, their rants against exorbitant cigarette taxes, though valid, were secondary to the main issues, which are police brutality and a flawed grand-jury system.

“You had five cops around there for a guy with a single cigarette!” – Bob Beckel

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Earlier this year, Entertainment Weekly celebrated “The Summer of Butts.”  MTV, below, tends to agree:

Ariana Grande Butt

Grande was in the news for a mishap at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (above).  That gives us an excuse to run this picture of Ariana’s ass, purloined during this summer’s infamous celebrity photo hack.

Allison Williams Butt

Sometimes I miss the old days, when the line was more clear between naughty and nice.  For instance, I enjoyed watching NBC’s airing of Peter Pan, and I think it’s a capital idea to revive live TV; however … I had a hard time watching Allison Williams as Peter without recalling the actress taking it up the butt in an episode of Girls (below).

By the way, I’m not ashamed to admit that I watched Peter Pan.  It was … so-so.  Much like last year’s Sound of Music, it was a fun production with a lead actress who could sing but who also, in terms of acting ability, won’t make any of us forget Meryl Streep.  But let’s continue this live-TV thing, because it’s a great idea.

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I was watching something called the Bayou Classic on NBC, and the announcer kept calling Grambling’s Jonathan Williams a “diminutive quarterback.”  Williams, they say, is five-foot-eleven.

So all of you people out there who are shorter than five-foot-eleven, consider yourselves diminutive.

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Bare-Bottom Bonanza!

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Click either picture for a more, uh, intimate look at Amy

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In a surprising break from tradition, the White House this week announced that First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama will oversee the Office of Diplomatic Protocol.  The announcement comes just days after the girls charmed members of the media and the public at the presidential turkey pardon (below).

 Sasha, left, and Malia add sparkle to the president’s turkey “pardon”

Reached for comment on Saturday, Malia raised an eyebrow at a reporter and said, “As if.”  Sister Sasha was overheard snorting in the background.

 Insiders say the Obama girls inherited their bubbly optimism from mother and grandmother

 Sasha and Malia enjoying their time in the spotlight

First Family watchers say that Sasha, especially, displays infectious enthusiasm

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 Jessica Alba

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba shocked fans this week when she posted this selfie on Twitter.  Alba told followers she “got a chemical peel to look more sexier.”

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Not sure if this is The Huffington Post trying to make a funny, or if they are simply still in need of a proofreader.

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The only person in America who’s happy about events in Ferguson — because it takes the media spotlight off of him:

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Quote of the Week:

“He asked to do things I wasn’t going to do.  He is ugly, old and disgusting.  I tied him up.  I took his money and left.  He was starting to creep me out.” – 17-year-old Shaina Foster, who along with her twin sister Shalaine tied up and robbed 84-year-old Paul Aronson during a “date.”

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Didn’t the same thing happen to her with Matt Lauer on The Today Show?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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                     Jonathan Gruber                                                                        Hans Gruber

We’ve met the most villainous Gruber since Die Hard.  At least Hans wasn’t stupid.

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Illegal immigration.  Bill Cosby.  The weather.

I thought I might write about one or more of those subjects this week.

I decided that no, I would not do that.  Instead, this feels like an excellent week to emulate the ostrich:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I feel like we’re living in that old Twilight Zone episode called “The Midnight Sun.” In the show, New York residents swelter as the Earth falls into the Sun.  Not to worry – it’s only a dream.  But wait … in reality, the Earth is hurtling away from the Sun, and everyone will freeze.

In Minnesota, we froze our buns off last winter.  This winter is threatening to be worse.  And yet scientists tell us that we are experiencing global warming.  Where’s Rod Serling when you need him?

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I had a routine check-up this week, and at one point my doctor began to pull on the rubber gloves.  He said he “would be happy” to conduct a rectal exam.

On my way out of the clinic, I stopped at the nurses’ desk and told them about my doctor’s comment and how I failed to see how a rectal exam could make anyone “happy.”  Is this why young people go to medical school?

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TV Update

BBC America’s The Game, about spies fighting the Cold War in 1970s Britain, has a been-there-done-that feel about it, and the hero (Tom Hughes) looks like a 12-year-old, but it’s a fairly engrossing thriller.    Grade:  B

Starz continues its crusade to stop being Starz by airing its second quality series (the other is Outlander) with The Missing.  It’s another missing-child drama, but a smart script, good acting, and its location (set in France, filmed in Belgium) make it feel fresh.    Grade:  B+

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Race in America

There is good news and good news.

The good news for black Americans is that the country proved – twice – that it was willing to elect an African-American president.

The good news for white Americans is that Obama seems hell-bent on proving that black presidents can be just as bad as white presidents.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Tits, congratulates Washington owner Dan Snyder

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I’ve been reading about “vocal fry,” something apparently inspired by Kim Kardashian in which the female voice trails off into a sort of whine/growl at the end of sentences.  You know who else has “vocal fry”?  Bill O’Reilly.

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