The Grouchy Editor

What  …  the  …  fuck?

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Brooke Baldwin (above left) was flummoxed by a daring prison escape in which two women dressed in skimpy police costumes managed to seduce the prison guards.

“I’m not laughing at all,” said Brooke.  “I’m just fixated on those little negligee outfits and thinking, how the heck did this whole thing happen over that?”

This might explain why you’re still single, Brooke.

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Melissa Harris-Perry (above right) gushed over Eric Holder as she interviewed him for MSNBC, confessing that her pet name for Holder is “The Duck,” and asking him to … oh, never mind.

Sometimes it’s a good thing that nobody watches your show.

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As if we needed more reminders, we found out again this week just how much the media loves … the media.  Jon Stewart, Brian Williams, and David Carr all leaving the media?  I don’t seem to give a shit – do you?

In the grand scheme of things, Stewart’s ratings were insignificant, Williams was a pompous ass, and outside of the media world, no one knew who Carr was.

On the other hand, I am sorry to lose Bob Simon.

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Obama continues his crusade to prove that black presidents can be just as bad as white presidents.  Now if we can just get Hillary elected, we’ll learn that female presidents can be just as bad as male presidents.

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So according to The Huffington Post, there are now only 49 states?

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The CNN Quiz Show – What terrible timing.  Just when everyone is criticizing the blur of news and entertainment, thanks to Brian Williams, CNN decides to launch a game show in which it asks respected anchors to behave like a bunch of buffoons.

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Grand Delusions

Apparently those of us worried about Rupert Murdoch taking over the world’s media have had misplaced concerns, because Rupert has had much bigger fish to fry:  the destruction of Randy Quaid.

I just watched Randy‘s new movie (above) and, I’ll have to say, the special effects are even more impressive than what we saw in Independence Day.

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What we suspected turns out to be true:  Brian Williams’s portrayal of Ted Baxter is more realistic than Bradley Cooper’s Oscar-nominated portrayal of Chris Kyle.

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From The Huffington Post:

“Esposito referred HuffPost to an NBC News spokeswoman who declined to comment.”

Now that’s a job I’d love to have:  a spokeswoman who doesn’t have to speak.

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I did a Google search for “late night comics hammer Brian Williams” and … I’m still searching.  With the exception of one zinger from Conan O’Brien, it appears that America’s hard-hitting, edgy kings of late night — am looking at you, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman — prefer to let their buddy Brian off the hook.

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Lots of smug giggles over the old television clip of Bryant Gumbel and Katie Couric discussing “what Internet is.”

I still don’t know what Internet is.  As far as I’m concerned, Internet is something magic in the air that puts pictures and sound into a glass box on my desk.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Deflated Ass of the Week:

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who lectured us about the “integrity” of a league that routinely extorts millions of dollars from taxpayers to build stadiums with seats that only the one percent can afford to buy, while Goodell pockets $300 million in personal salary.

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I have to wonder if HLN gasbags Drew Pinsky and Nancy Grace enjoy sharing Tuesday prime time with the king of YouTube farts, Jack Vale.

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A high-school student was caught on video pummeling a teacher who had the temerity to take away the kid’s cell phone.  Dr. Keith Ablow’s analysis for Fox News:  “The reason this has gone national, and viral, is because we all know now how connected we are to these devices.  Mobile technology has become integrated into our psyches.”

Silly me.  I thought the video went viral because it shows a high-school student pummeling his teacher.

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How to Ensure No One Will Watch Your Show:

“You’ve all now seen the inside of my colon.  I’m sorry.” – Morgan Spurlock, plugging his filmed colonoscopy.

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The Voice of Authority:

“I don’t believe he’s [Mitt Romney] not gonna run.” – Fox ace political analyst Stacey Dash.  I had been waiting for Charles Krauthammer’s opinion about Romney’s surprise exit, but now that Dash has spoken, I consider the matter settled.

Another Voice of Authority:

“America is at its most puritanical.” – Lena Dunham, complaining about something.   But Lena has a point.  Some of us recall growing up in the 1960s and watching uninhibited fare like The Dick van Dyke Show, in which Dick might be seen “motorboating” Mary Tyler Moore over the kitchen sink.

If only America weren’t so prudish today, perhaps Lena could do something like that on Girls.

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Scientists have set the hands of their infamous “doomsday clock” to three minutes to midnight.  But what happens when daylight saving time rolls around — do they move the clock ahead an hour?

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Clint Eastwood is apparently this generation’s John Wayne:  He makes entertaining movies that have an, uh, “interesting” take on reality.

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How to Get Bullied on the Internet

To get bullied from the right — criticize Chris Kyle

To get bullied from the left — support Billy Crystal

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“Only in America could a story like this get this big.” – Dana Perino about “Deflategate”

Not really, Dana.  In Europe, soccer fans riot and trample each other to death.  In South America, soccer fans storm the field and behead referees.  But in America, we make jokes about “balls.”

Wish I could get more worked up over this deflated-balls controversy, but I can’t.  I have a feeling that if 99 percent of the players and coaches in the NFL thought they could get away with cheating, they would go ahead and cheat.

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And last and least, today is the “Weekly Review’s” fifth anniversary.  What, us worry?

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I love me some Kenneth Branagh, and I’ve enjoyed his portrayal of the Swedish detective Wallander on PBS, but I recently binge-watched Sweden’s original TV version of the hangdog hero and man, now that I’ve seen Krister Henriksson’s (above) rendition of Wallander, there simply is no other Wallander.

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Happiest Oscar-Nominations Surprise:

The Lego Movie got stiffed.  It was technically impressive, but other than that its appeal was strictly at the third-grade level – which is apparently where 96 percent of the nation’s film critics reside, per Rotten Tomatoes.  Everything is awesome, my ass.

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To borrow a phrase that I hate from teenage girls:  I … can’t … even …

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I’d write something about Allison Williams’s rear end this week, but I already did that a few weeks ago.  Instead, let me express my sympathies to her father, Brian, who no doubt is still contending with vanilla cake jokes at work.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I don’t understand the terrorist mindset.  Seems to me that if you’re going to be outraged by Western media, you might want to direct your anger at art that actually stands a chance of influencing people.

A few years ago, extremists went ballistic over an amateurish video, Innocence of Muslims, that looked like it was produced by Mrs. Spolum’s third-grade students.  Today, we have Kim Jong-un throwing a hissy fit over a piece of Hollywood fluff called The Interview, and French fanatics freaking out over juvenile cartoons published in a magazine nobody’s heard of.

Who could be next on the terrorists’ hit list?  Adam Sandler?

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Difficult Quiz:

Which dude above is CNN’s gay sex-symbol anchorman, and which dudes are his guests?

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From The Huffington Post:

Well, Jones did once tell a national TV audience that Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman “looks good in the shower.”

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From Politico:

Will someone please explain how it is that Boehner can be at his desk smoking a Camel?  Are members of Congress, unlike the rest of us, allowed to smoke cigarettes in public buildings?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

New Year’s Resolutions:

• Here’s hoping there are more airplane disasters, so that CNN might finally go to 23-hour airplane-crash coverage and change its name to AC (airplane crash) 360.  One hour per day would be allocated to Anthony Bourdain, who would, of course, review airline food.
• Here’s hoping the cable-news networks will institute bans on politicians using the following phrases:  “the American people,” “American women,” “African-Americans,” and “Mexican-Americans.”  Those aren’t political coalitions.  American women, African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, and the American people seem to be just as splintered as any other group.
• Here’s hoping there will be no more stories about the booming American economy.  Until Joe and Mary Sixpack feel the “booming American economy” in their wallets, they don’t want to hear about Wall Street.

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What I Heard:

“I’m not wearing football pants.”

What He Actually Said:

“I’m not wearing football pads.”

— Brett Favre in a commercial for Copper Fit.  I’m not convinced that Favre is the guy you want talking about not wearing things.

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Word That You Didn’t Know Exists:

So if you are happy with your boss, that makes you a gruntled employee.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

There was no news in America this week.  There was also no news in the outside world.  I know this to be true because Bill, Rachel, and all of the cable news networks – MSNBC, CNN, Fox – took the week off.

In that same spirit, we have decided to take the week off.  So please enjoy this picture of a goat:

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Before we sign off we’d like to thank Facebook, which poked its nose into our affairs and created a delightful “year in review” graphic for loyal users.  Per Facebook, here is what the Grouch’s 2014 looked like:

Here’s hoping that 2015 does not, once again, resemble a pile of fake vomit.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Hate to say “I told you so,” but I told you so.  From December 2012 (click here). 

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Bullshit:

“The New York Times calls it the most extraordinary film since …”

“A riveting piece of art — The Washington Post”

“Rolling Stone says this is the best …”

Truth:

One nerdy guy with glasses at The New York Times, one constipated woman at The Washington Post, and one hack having a bad day at Rolling Stone wrote the reviews.  One opinion, but it sounds a lot more impressive when you say an entire publication likes your movie/book/music.

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I suppose this is just another case of Grouch’s dirty-old-manliness, but a piece this week on the local news about sexy reporter Natalie Nyhus’s lap-sit with Santa Claus caused Grouch’s egg to nog, his toe to mistle, and his candy to cane. 

Excerpts:

Natalie:  “It’s not often you get a one on one with Santa, and I had some burning questions.”

Natalie:  “Santa has a way of knowing whether you’ve been naughty or nice – at least, most of the time.”

Santa:  “You have to be a little naughty.”

Natalie:  “Yeah.”

Santa:  “OK, well you know that.”

Natalie:  “I do!”

Santa:  “Just a little bit.”

Natalie:  “Just a little bit.”

After the report, anchor Liz Collin, no lump of coal herself, seemed as intrigued as the Grouch was about Natalie’s cuddle with Claus:

Liz:  “Was that a little pillow talk you were having with Santa there?”

Natalie:  “I was sitting on his lap.”

Liz:  “You touched his key!”

Natalie:  “What?”

The girls seemed a bit churlish with each other.  If only some other bearded dude could mediate for them … wait … what’s this?

Reached for comment, the Grouch wouldn’t say whether or not the girls touched his key, but he did say that they jingled his bells.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Things That Did Not Happen on TV But Really Should Have:

The anaconda did not eat the man on Discovery Channel.

Erin Burnett, discussing rectal feeding on CNN, did not demonstrate rectal feeding for her audience.

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What is it with Sean Hannity and this constant football tossing?  Is he a jock wannabe, a failed athlete who doesn’t realize he looks like a pathetic old guy experiencing a midlife crisis?

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From the Department of “Did I Miss Something?”

“I definitely enjoyed the clip of you saying, talking about him being hung.” – The Washington Post’s Dana Milbank, teasing MSNBC’s Alex Wagner about something she apparently said about Darrell Issa.

OK ….

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Lessons of the Past Year for Today’s Young People: 

If you go into law, study hard and get good grades.  Some day you can use your knowledge of the law to … find ways to avoid or ignore it:

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If you go into public service, work hard and please your superiors.  Some day you can use your bureaucratic skills to … lie to Congress and the public:

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If you go into journalism, always be aware of which way the political winds are blowing.  Some day you can use your writing talents to … invent stories to gain fame and fortune:

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Finally, if you want to run the country but don’t like politics, go work for Wall Street and buy yourself a politician – or hundreds of them:

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This is our last week of Craig Ferguson on CBS, damn it.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)