Still sick. You know the drill: goat.
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
Category: Weekly Reviews
Quote of the Week:
“Men and women – both are losers.”
– Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, above, in a 1972 essay that for some reason has come back to haunt him.
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The New York Times heralds the return of “granny panties” as a fashion statement — prompting thousands of wary readers to picture The Old Gray Lady in granny panties.
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Looks like a super week to go to the movies!
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The Queen of Puny Peckers
Last week we ran a picture of Smallest Penis in Brooklyn mastermind Aimee Arciuolo. We can’t seem to get enough of her, so this week we run another picture. And another.
Aimee on the genesis of the pageant:
“I had an exceptionally fun and amazing romp with a man who was less than endowed—it [his sex organ] was actually shockingly tiny, like the size of an acorn. He came right out and said, ‘Yes, I know, I’ve got a little pecker. But don’t you worry, we are going to have fun.’ And it was great! That guy seriously smashed it UP in the bedroom.” – Gothamist
Aimee on sex with a small man:
“There are two types of guys on the smaller side. The first is extremely awkward. The sex involves putting pillows under the butt to help the angle. But it’s still hard to feel anything. It’s a quick smack-smack-smack-smack-smack. Then the guy usually gets up and runs away in shame.” The other type, she continues, involves “creative guys who know how to use their hands, guys who are silly. I was talking to the girls about this one night, and we said, ‘We should have a pageant for these guys!’” — Playboy
And one more shot of Aimee, measuring manhood at the tiny-pecker pageant. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
Top Ten Reasons It Was (Past) Time for Letterman to Go:
Number 10: “Holyfield won the fight, and it’s not the first time Romney’s been knocked out by a black guy.”
That’s from Letterman’s monologue on Monday. By then, the same joke about the fight between Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney, slightly modified, had been cracked numerous times by other comics on other shows. It was indicative of the Late Show for years now: stale, phone-it-in material.
Number 9: Letterman’s staff read his Top Ten List on Monday — and there was just one young person in the group. (No, the lone youngster was not a female intern.) This might explain why the Late Show’s material was so dated: None of the staff knew how to use Twitter.
Number 8: Paul Shaffer was the lamest talk-show sidekick, ever. Relying on Shaffer for clever comments was like relying on Tom Hanks to bring an air of freshness to your show.
Number 7: No more Alan Kalter.
OK, so this is only a Top Four List. Like Letterman’s writers, I’ve run out of gas.
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Quote of the Week:
From The Independent:
“Louis CK – real name Louis Szekely – has made a name for himself with his edgy comedy. The award-winning comic often jokes about drugs, poo, women and death.”
I dunno. If I were a woman I wouldn’t be too thrilled about being lumped into the same category with drugs, poo, and death — edgy or not.
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Under the Dumb
What’s with all of these shows about mysterious doings in sealed-off small towns? Judging from the dullness of Under the Dome, Wayward Pines, and Netflix’s Between, it’s a “high concept” that needs to be deep-sixed.
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Feminists whining about a rape scene in Game of Thrones are like me watching the Lifetime network and then complaining about the lack of car chases and shoot ‘em ups.
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They are having another Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in June. Below is a picture of the woman who created the contest and who also serves as a judge, which has her measuring the men’s wieners with a ruler. For the life of me, I don’t understand how all of those little peckers can remain little in her presence. Or maybe they don’t.
Aimee Arciuolo will measure your manhood (click picture to enlarge)
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
The New York Post busted Hollywood stars who didn’t get the e-mail about California’s drought.
Lesson: You can’t fine big shots and expect them to change their behavior. You can’t fine Tom Brady and expect him to stop cheating. You can’t fine Barbra Streisand and expect her to stop watering. And you can’t fine Big Business when it screws the consumer. Fines are chump change to them. You have to try something else, like suspensions, shaming, or jail.
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Speaking of non-forthcoming celebrities, George Clooney showed up to help David Letterman celebrate his last week on CBS. Disappointingly, newlywed George did not share with us what it’s like to have amal sex.
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
I Don’t Know What The Hell These Shows Are:
When I was 10 years old, NBC canceled The Man from U.N.C.L.E. This so upset me that I wrote a letter to the network, pleading with The Powers That Be (T.P.T.B.) to reconsider and resurrect my favorite playboy spies, Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin. NBC, bless its heart, actually wrote back to me. Sadly, their message was basically, “tough luck, kid.”
Times have changed. The networks announced a slew of cancellations this week and … yawn. Either I haven’t watched these shows, or I have and they suck.
I Don’t Know Who The Hell These People Are:
I check in with TMZ periodically because it’s my job to keep up with celebrity gossip. Somebody has to do it. But … these people are celebrities? Second-rate rappers and reality-TV stars?
Times have changed. Either that or I’m just too damn old and need a nap … yawn.
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“Make no mistake.”
– Politicians, please stop saying this. Hillary used this expression last week. I’ve heard Obama use it, and I’ve heard Republicans use it. Stop it. It reminds everyone of Bush, who used to say it all the time. You don’t want to remind people of Bush.
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Well, this happened:
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© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
Scratch That – The Week (Not) in Review
Sometimes we write entries for this page and then events conspire to make what we’ve written a load of crap. So we have to scratch those entries. For example …
What we wrote:
I’m warming to Inside Amy Schumer, which is the TV-show equivalent of someone farting in an elevator: vulgar and juvenile, but also very funny.
Scratch that:
I just watched the most recent episode of Inside Amy Schumer, and although it wasn’t overly vulgar, it also wasn’t very funny.
What we wrote:
This Orioles-White Sox game without fans was no big deal to the Minnesota Twins, who often play in empty stadiums.
Scratch that:
We wrote that on Wednesday. Since then, every Tom, Dick and Harry with an Internet connection has cracked the same joke about whatever lame team they happen to follow.
What we wrote:
Once upon a time, journalists at least pretended to be objective about the powerful people they cover, rather than tweet like giggly schoolgirls at a One Direction concert.
Uh, no need to scratch this one.
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Quote of the Week:
“He literally flew to Belgium to find wood for our kitchen, and he flew to Fiji once to get fabric. Like, he’ll fly all over the world just to find the best furniture, fabrics, architects. He’s really, really into it.”
— Kim Kardashian telling Jimmy Kimmel about her husband’s house-decorating obsession. Nice to know that, on top of their other contributions to society, Kim and Kanye are being careful to leave a small carbon footprint.
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Pearls of Twitter Wisdom:
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Funny lady Kristen Wiig, 40, walks buck naked through a crowded casino (above) in her new film, Welcome to Me. Could be a good career move by Kristen. When funny lady Mary Steenburgen walked buck naked through a crowded bar (below) in Melvin and Howard, she won an Oscar.
On the other hand, when funny lady Sarah Silverman, 40, took a buck naked shower (below right) in Take This Waltz …. no Oscars. Just a lot of horny males.
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
Please don’t burden me with facts. I prefer to pillory people on the basis of first impressions and preconceived notions. Because, you know, sometimes first impressions and preconceived notions are spot-on. Therefore …
Dr. Oz – GUILTY!
Nobody’s stifling your “free speech,” you charlatan. They’re simply calling you out as a quack. Plus, you remind me of another egotistical loudmouth, Quentin Tarantino.
Ben Affleck – GUILTY!
You could have simply apologized for using your “star power” to intimidate PBS into censoring its show, but instead you took to Facebook to lecture the rest of us about race relations in America. So clueless. So arrogant.
PBS – GUILTY!
If you hope to preserve a shred of credibility … heads must roll.
Cops – GUILTY!
Too many thugs, too many Barney Fifes.
Oprah – GUILTY!
Stop foisting clowns like Mehmet Oz and Phil McGraw on the public.
Britt McHenry – GUILTY!
Used to be a pretty face and a college degree were all a girl needed to succeed. Wait … they do still work at Fox News.
Liberals’ Mansions – GUILTY!
I can’t take Earth Day seriously until Al Gore and Michael Moore move out of their energy-gobbling mansions.
Double Standards – GUILTY!
Hope you don’t plan on getting a sex change, ’cause they might change their minds and throw you into the clinker.
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The most shocking revelation from ABC’s Bruce Jenner interview? It wasn’t Jenner’s transgender announcement, nor was it his confession that he’s a Republican. No, the real mind-blower was that, after living for years with those awful Kardashian women, Jenner still wants to be female.
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
I’m not sure that life in prison will be an effective punishment for convicted killer Aaron Hernandez. After all, he’s a jock who’s spent much of his adult life showering with other men. Won’t prison just be more of the same?
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Quote of the Week:
“The captain said that we’re turning around. And then he re-announced, ‘Don’t panic,’ which made everyone panic.”
— Alaska Airlines passenger Lexi Graf, above, describing the mood in the cabin after a baggage handler who fell asleep in the plane’s cargo hold woke up and began calling for help.
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From Monday’s Huffington Post:
Also from Monday’s Huffington Post:
Perhaps it should be open season on lazy headline writers.
© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)
TV Update:
I’m only halfway through its 12-episode first season, but I am digging Fortitude on Pivot.
I said, “Fortitude on Pivot.” Fortitude: the name of the series. Pivot: the name of the channel it’s on. You’re welcome.
It’s television of the weird, what we might have gotten if David Lynch had directed The Thing. It’s odd, but it’s also atmospheric as hell, set at an isolated island-community in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, situated at the foot of an ominous glacier that never stops moaning and groaning.
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Don’t know how much longer I can keep watching Outlander, which is morphing into Fifty Shades of Grey (Kilts):
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Question on Red Eye: “Joanne, how do you like your weenies?”
Joanne’s answer: “Small.”
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Pop Quiz:
In the pictures below, which is the character “Romero” from Escape from New York, and which is legendary actress Lucille Ball?
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