The Grouchy Editor

Fox News bimbo Julie Banderas (below) ran a video clip of ducks crossing a busy freeway in “Mindianapolis.” I guess the story was supposed to be cute, but let me tell you, as a resident of Mindianapolis, I can testify that these ducks, much like Donald (Duck, not Trump), are often ill-tempered, nasty little buggers. If I’d been on that freeway, I might have been tempted to make duck soup.

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If Rosie O’Donnell pokes holes in Donald Trump’s presidential balloon, would that be considered fat shaming?

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Three weeks ago I complained about the lack of skin on this year’s Big Brother. Looks as though some of the houseguests heard me:

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The Huffington Post has decided that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is not real, and so it will cover Trump’s exploits in its entertainment section, rather than in its politics section. Makes sense to me, given that The Huffington Post is not really a news site, but rather an entertainment site.

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Whenever I find myself watching baseball, I think about sex so that I can take my mind off the game.

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“Immigration Reform” – What the hell does that even mean? Some people seem to think it means “amnesty,” while others seem to think it means “build a fence.”

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Fox News sent Geraldo Rivera into a dark, dank, secret criminal’s lair in Mexico, but Geraldo failed to find anything of much interest. Kind of like 1986, when Geraldo entered a dark, dank, secret criminal’s lair (Al Capone’s vault, below) and failed to find anything of much interest.

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Taking a page from Ben Affleck and his holier-than-thou reaction to his PBS screw-up, pop star Ariana Grande got busted for misbehaving and then responded to Internet outrage by lecturing her fans about obesity:

“As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society.” – Grande’s “apology”

OK, but what about the health of the poor schmuck who bought and then ate the donuts contaminated with your germs and dried saliva?

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I’m trying to imagine the uproar from feminists if the roles were reversed in the annoying UnitedHealthcare commercial pictured above. The woman talks to her hapless husband as if he were a small child with learning disabilities.

Simple-Minded Husband:  “I took the trash out.”

Condescending Wife:  “I know, and thank you so much for that.”

Condescending Wife:  “You do your pushups today?”

Simple-Minded Husband:  “No, I watched cartoons instead.”

Just kidding on that last response.  But I’m surprised she doesn’t ask him if he remembered to wipe after going number two.

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I can’t wait to read the truly life-affirming autobiography by Fox’s Gretchen Carlson, who overcame the twin horrors of losing a job once and growing up chubby. Take that, Holocaust survivors who write books!

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Donald Trump might be an egocentric blowhard, but I’m beginning to agree with him: We need to build a fence.

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I’ve been watching MTV’s new series, Scream. Yes, I said I’ve been watching MTV’s new series, Scream. And lord help me, I’m kind of digging it. So sue me.

There are lots of great shows these days with vexing moral dilemmas and topical, complex themes. With this piece of mindless fluff, you get a break from all of that, and who doesn’t need a break from all of that?

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TV Updates

Mr. Robot (USA Network)

An intriguing new series from, of all places, USA Network. Through two episodes, this tale of a hoodie-clad tech genius who gets drawn into the mysterious world of corporate hacking is timely and compelling. But that geek, as played by Rami Malek, is so depressive, so gloomy … will viewers be willing to enter his downbeat world, week after week? Is Elliot’s cynical attitude a rational reaction to the corruption around him, or is he just another whiny Millennial? Also, Robot is the kind of show that could turn disappointingly dumb, given its conspiracy-theory plot. But so far, so good.   Grade:  B+

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Orange Is the New Black (Netflix)

Now in its third season, Orange consistently tackles social issues we don’t normally see on TV, yet continues to stay entertaining. One downside is that protagonist Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling), the focus of the series when it premiered two years ago, has devolved into the show’s least interesting character.   Grade:  A-

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Big Brother (CBS)

Two weeks into the show, and none of the houseguests have gotten naked for the CBS cameras. Don’t they understand that’s the main reason we tune in?  Grade:  Can’t say, because the report card was last seen floating in the hot tub

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Deutschland 83 (SundanceTV)

The premise is a bit iffy – East German commie kid goes undercover in West Germany, transforming overnight from awkward momma’s boy to James Bond – but it’s fast-paced and less dour than, say, the similarly themed The Americans on FX.  And unlike the party poopers on Big Brother, the blondes in this show aren’t overly modest (below).  Grade:  B+

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Three Grouch Gripes:

1)  Obama had a pretty good week.  Too bad he couldn’t leave well enough alone when he decided to blurt out an off-key, fingernails-on-the-blackboard rendition of “Amazing Grace.”

2)  Gay marriage?  As far as I’m concerned, it just allows for more discrimination against … single Americans. Government needs to get out of the marriage business, period.

3)  Big Brother is off and running on CBS and, as usual, self-esteem is not an issue for any of the narcissistic houseguests.

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I’m beginning to wonder if Netflix has lost its Midas touch. It’s been a long time since it premiered a series like House of Cards or Orange Is the New Black. Lately, the streaming service is cranking out mediocrities like Marco Polo, Grace and Frankie, Between, and Sense8. And spare me any praise for Daredevil. It’s another comic-book show, and the glut of comic-book shows and movies is nauseating.

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Funny But Cruel:

— Reader reaction to Mindy Kaling’s revelation that, contrary to what they usually say, Hollywood stars actually enjoy filming sex scenes.

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“Comic” Bit That Needs To Go:

Jimmy Fallon’s “slow jam,” which is moronic and annoying. Politicians, like pro athletes, are rarely funny when they try to be funny. They are only funny when it’s unintentional.

Phrase That Needs To Go:

“Right out of a movie.” – CNN’s Poppy Harlow resorting to journalism’s favorite cliché while reporting on the dramatic escape of two New York prison inmates.

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The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant was another rousing success. We are trying to track down contestant Rip van Dinkle, far right in the picture at the top of this page, to ask him what it was like to wake up Sunday morning and see pictures of his penis on The Village Voice, Gothamist, and Time Out New York.

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Still sick.  You know the drill:  goat.

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Sick

We are under the weather, curled up in the fetal position and leaking noxious bodily fluids. So please excuse our absence this week and enjoy this picture of our favorite goat:

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Quote of the Week:

“Men and women – both are losers.”

– Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, above, in a 1972 essay that for some reason has come back to haunt him.

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The New York Times heralds the return of “granny panties” as a fashion statement — prompting thousands of wary readers to picture The Old Gray Lady in granny panties.

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Looks like a super week to go to the movies!

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The Queen of Puny Peckers

Last week we ran a picture of Smallest Penis in Brooklyn mastermind Aimee Arciuolo. We can’t seem to get enough of her, so this week we run another picture. And another.

Aimee on the genesis of the pageant:

“I had an exceptionally fun and amazing romp with a man who was less than endowed—it [his sex organ] was actually shockingly tiny, like the size of an acorn. He came right out and said, ‘Yes, I know, I’ve got a little pecker. But don’t you worry, we are going to have fun.’ And it was great! That guy seriously smashed it UP in the bedroom.”  – Gothamist

Aimee on sex with a small man:

“There are two types of guys on the smaller side. The first is extremely awkward. The sex involves putting pillows under the butt to help the angle. But it’s still hard to feel anything. It’s a quick smack-smack-smack-smack-smack. Then the guy usually gets up and runs away in shame.” The other type, she continues, involves “creative guys who know how to use their hands, guys who are silly. I was talking to the girls about this one night, and we said, ‘We should have a pageant for these guys!’” — Playboy

And one more shot of Aimee, measuring manhood at the tiny-pecker pageant. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

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Top Ten Reasons It Was (Past) Time for Letterman to Go:

Number 10:  “Holyfield won the fight, and it’s not the first time Romney’s been knocked out by a black guy.”

That’s from Letterman’s monologue on Monday. By then, the same joke about the fight between Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney, slightly modified, had been cracked numerous times by other comics on other shows. It was indicative of the Late Show for years now: stale, phone-it-in material.

Number 9:  Letterman’s staff read his Top Ten List on Monday — and there was just one young person in the group.  (No, the lone youngster was not a female intern.) This might explain why the Late Show’s material was so dated: None of the staff knew how to use Twitter.

Number 8:  Paul Shaffer was the lamest talk-show sidekick, ever. Relying on Shaffer for clever comments was like relying on Tom Hanks to bring an air of freshness to your show.

Number 7:  No more Alan Kalter.

OK, so this is only a Top Four List. Like Letterman’s writers, I’ve run out of gas.

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Quote of the Week:

From The Independent:

“Louis CK – real name Louis Szekely – has made a name for himself with his edgy comedy.  The award-winning comic often jokes about drugs, poo, women and death.”

I dunno. If I were a woman I wouldn’t be too thrilled about being lumped into the same category with drugs, poo, and death — edgy or not.

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Under the Dumb

What’s with all of these shows about mysterious doings in sealed-off small towns? Judging from the dullness of Under the Dome, Wayward Pines, and Netflix’s Between, it’s a “high concept” that needs to be deep-sixed.

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Feminists whining about a rape scene in Game of Thrones are like me watching the Lifetime network and then complaining about the lack of car chases and shoot ‘em ups.

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They are having another Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in June. Below is a picture of the woman who created the contest and who also serves as a judge, which has her measuring the men’s wieners with a ruler. For the life of me, I don’t understand how all of those little peckers can remain little in her presence. Or maybe they don’t.

Aimee Arciuolo will measure your manhood (click picture to enlarge)

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