The Grouchy Editor

I Spit on Your Grave 2

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This is why Web sites like “Mr. Skin” exist.  If you have no desire to suffer through the ridiculous plot and unpleasant gore of a film like this, but you do think star Jemma Dallender is a hottie, “Mr. Skin” has screen grabs for you.  Dallender spends much of Spit 2 in the nude, playing a model who is raped, whisked to Bulgaria (don’t ask), and assaulted again before she escapes to exact revenge.  The most shocking thing here is the presence of actor Joe Absolom, who plays such a sweet guy on the British series Doc Martin.  His agent must have put his balls in a vise.  Release:   2013   Grade:   D-

*****

Movie 43

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I’m not convinced it was entirely a coincidence that, just two months after the release of Movie 43, esteemed film critic Roger Ebert was in his grave.  A lot of Hollywood A-List talent appears in this comic disaster, which relies almost exclusively on scatological “humor.”  There might be some 10-year-olds who enjoy this but, if so, I weep for America’s future.  Release:   2013   Grade:   F

*****

The Call

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Teen girl is abducted at the mall and stuffed into the trunk of a car, where her only link to the outside world is a cell-phone connection with 911 operator Halle Berry.  It’s realistic, pulse-pounding stuff – until the final half hour when, for reasons known only to the filmmakers, the plot goes all Silence of the Lambs on us.  Release:   2013    Grade:   B-

*****

Oblivion

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The problem with Oblivion, essentially a video game for the big screen, is that in between its glitzy CGI and action scenes we must endure:  a) flat characters, and b) a pretentious story that steals ideas from much better sci-fi films.  That’s the bad news.  The good news?  If you’ve just purchased a new high-def TV, it sure does look pretty.  Release:   2013   Grade:   B

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                           The Collection

I’m tempted to slap The Collection with an “F” for its bare-bones plot and ridiculously excessive gore.  However … if you are into splatter flicks — I generally am not — this sequel to The Collector is better than most of its gore-horror brethren thanks to a decent budget and some slick, fast-paced direction.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B-

                                         *****

               All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

The camera certainly loves Amber Heard, who plays one of six teens who (yawn) encounter trouble at an isolated ranch.  Director Jonathan Levine also seems to love stilted dialogue, “scares” that don’t scare, and a twist that any horror-film fan can see coming from a mile away.  This mediocrity was filmed in 2006 but sat on a shelf for seven years, awaiting distribution.  Too bad it’s not still sitting there.  Release:  2013  Grade:  D+

                                         *****

                             World War Z

Here’s proof that you can have an astronomical budget and Brad Pitt for a leading man … and still produce just another silly zombie movie.  Brad plays a perfect family man (of course) who saves the world (naturally) while fighting off hordes of the undead.  The zombies are not particularly original, but they do look cool in some overhead CGI shots.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C-

                                         *****

                              End of Watch

If you’re not a big fan of police, End of Watch could change your mind — at least for a couple of hours, thanks to the chemistry between Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena as two patrolmen in South Central L.A.  There isn’t a great deal of story, but it’s refreshing to watch a crime drama in which the cops are neither bad to the bone nor avenging super studs.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

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                                    Evil Dead

Fede Alvarez’s remake of the 1981 classic lacks the black humor of the original, yet it’s never boring.  Alvarez knows how to stage a scary (and gory) scene, but his film is undermined by the usual bane of young-people-in-peril movies:  a script that has our heroes constantly doing and saying unbelievably stupid things.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B-

*****

                                       Session 9

At a creepy, abandoned mental hospital in Massachusetts, the asbestos-laden walls are slowly being peeled away — but so is the sanity of one of five workmen hired to do the job.  Session 9 is a rarity, an intelligent chiller for viewers who believe that the real horrors in life aren’t found in cabins in the woods, but in the human brain.  Release:  2001  Grade:  B+

*****

                                           Thor

It’s a bit empty-headed and relies on glitzy special effects, but Thor is also armed with good old-fashioned storytelling and plenty of charm.  And yet … by thunder, am I the only one wondering why the esteemed Kenneth Branagh is now directing comic-book movies?  Release:  2011  Grade:  B

*****

                                          Starlet

A young porn actress befriends a grumpy old lady (85-year-old Besedka Johnson, in her first and only film before her death earlier this year), and a sweet and funny relationship ensues.  I must be getting old, because at the midpoint of this surprisingly good twist on Harold and Maude, there is a brief but explicit sex scene — and I thought it destroyed the mood.  You heard that right:  I am complaining about a sex scene.  But not enough to turn me off to this unpredictable, touching little drama.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

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