Godzilla vs. Kong

 

So I suffered through Godzilla vs. Kong so that you don’t have to. And yes, I do expect some kind of reward.

I did this because, foolishly, I believed reviewers who claimed that, unlike so many big-budget monster movies, this one dispenses with any pretense toward character development or logic and gets straight to the good stuff.

Also, despite initial reservations, I enjoyed a few monster flicks like this in recent years, including Peter Jackson’s King Kong and 2014’s Godzilla.

Silly me.

As I endured the first 40 minutes or so of Godzilla vs. Kong, familiar patterns emerged:

 

  • Big-name actors were hired to remind us that yes, previously respected stars will spout cliched dialogue and go “ooh!” and go “aah!” any number of times — if the paycheck is big enough.
  • Characters include: a cute child; teenage nerds; women who are stronger/smarter than the men; arrogant men who must be humbled; society’s “weak” members who turn out to be heroes.
  • Characters who, although we don’t really care for them, we must care for them because, if they are kids they are orphans or, if they are adults their spouse/child has died.

 

Left to right: cute kid, nerds

 

OK, so the movie does deliver on its special effects. But no, it wasn’t worth sitting through all the dull exposition and pseudo-science talk meant to appeal to teenage science buffs. In the case of Godzilla vs. Kong, this talk includes mumbo jumbo about reverse gravity and journey-to-the-center-of-the-earth ecosystems — who knew there was sunshine, waterfalls, and floating asteroids way down there?

I’d go into the movie’s plot, but life is too short. I lost interest early on. Besides, the plot is just one long, ridiculous set-up to get to the special effects.

 

Eiza Gonzalez

 

There was a silver lining in the movie. My reward for sitting through it, I suppose. I had never heard of Mexican actress Eiza Gonzalez, who plays a bitchy cybernetics executive (uh-huh), so I Googled her. Turns out she has a stripper scene in the TV show From Dusk till Dawn: The Series. Here it is:

 

 

Apparently, Eiza also has a sex tape — unless it’s not really her in the grainy, blurry video. If you want to make the determination for yourself, here is a link.

 

Perhaps I was a bit harsh in this review. The final battle in Tokyo was fun. My advice is to fast-forward to the last 30 minutes of the film and enjoy. You won’t have missed anything important.

 

 

Director:  Adam Wingard  Cast:  Rebecca Hall, Alexander Skarsgard,  Millie Bobby Brown, Kyle Chandler, Demian Bichir, Brian Tyree Henry, Eiza Gonzalez  Release:  2021  Grade: C-

 

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