The Grouchy Editor

 

We thought about regaling you this week with hilarious stories about our recent ski trip to Aspen, or our holiday at a seaside resort in Jamaica, but … truth is, we’re just like you: stuck in the living room, scrolling aimlessly through a Netflix queue.

We’re not complaining, mind you. Trying to decide between streaming new episodes of Ozark and checking out Internet porn sure beats being hooked up to a ventilator in the Bronx.

But our job is to babble about trivialities. Here is a progress report on what we’ve been watching on Netflix:

 

Babylon Berlin: I got hooked on the first two seasons, but the thrill is fading. Maybe it’s because the novelty of this Weimar-era German show has worn off. Or maybe it’s because this is a relentlessly dour drama lacking the delightful musical interludes it once had. In any case, I’ve now watched five episodes of season three but am debating whether or not to continue.

 

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The Valhalla Murders: It’s an Icelandic cop show, utterly devoid of originality. But it’s the TV equivalent of a “cozy mystery” novel, and sometimes that’s all you want. Plus, the scenery is, as you might expect, fascinating. I am on episode 6 and will certainly finish the season.

 

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Tiger King: This documentary (pictured at top) about American private zoos and the nut jobs who run them is getting rave reviews. Watching it, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve asked myself, “Can that be legal?” or “Does this really happen in the United States?” But I also get depressed thinking about the sheer volume of Americans who are into stuff like gaping at caged animals or, for that matter, professional wrestling. Trump supporters are stigmatized enough without being lumped in with these idiots (assuming, of course, that these idiots are Trump supporters). I’ve watched the first two episodes and (heavy sigh) will probably finish the season.

 

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On my list but not yet watched: Kingdom, The Platform (above), Ozark.

 

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Trump should seriously consider nominating Howie Mandel for our next surgeon general. Famed germaphobe Howie (above) doesn’t seem like such an oddball anymore.

 

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Other than our Howie Mandel recommendation, we’re not discussing the virus this week. It’s depressing and we will be talking about it for years to come.

 

© 2010-2024 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

These are going to be high times for villains and scoundrels. With everyone distracted by the virus, especially the media, just think of all the crimes and misdemeanors our country’s assholes can commit.

The media might not notice because they are too distracted and angered at the girl pictured above with Trump.

Nothing seems to rile up the left (i.e. the media) quite so much as a hot chick who happens to be conservative. Especially if she also happens to be a reporter.

Hence, you get headlines like this one in The Daily Beast after a cutie named Chanel Rion tossed Trump a softball at a coronavirus press conference:

 

 

Trump liked her question. He liked it so much, in fact, that he ignored social-distancing protocol to get a bit handsy with the OAN reporter (picture at top).

We don’t care if Chanel’s a conservative bimbo or a brave journalist standing up to her liberal peers. We just like to look:

 

 

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                                                          Click on thumbnails for a larger view

 

OK, so that last thumbnail is not really Rion. But it could be, couldn’t it?

 

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Yes indeed, these will be high times for scoundrels. On the other hand, looks like grim times for crooks who specialize in home burglaries, because everyone’s at home.

 

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Since grocery stores are reaping the rewards of a consumer bonanza, I certainly hope they are sharing the unexpected profits with their employees.

 

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I don’t know if anyone still does this, but in the past journalists used to contact psychics or astrologists or whatever they are at the end of the year, or the beginning of the new year, to make their annual predictions.

It would be interesting to see if any of these geniuses predicted this damn pandemic.

 

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How come I’m not reading anything about the possibility that this virus was something China was developing as a biological weapon? Is that silly? Not remotely likely? Do I watch too many movies?

 

© 2010-2024 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 Griping as the World Comes to an End

 

Thanks to this damned coronavirus, I am subjected on a daily basis to news pundits and politicians mispronouncing two simple words. Both words appear in the following sentence: “In an effort to combat the nasty virus that is spreading throughout the world, health experts are advising everyone to wash their hands so that they do not contract it.”

 

 

You comBAT coronavirus; you don’t COMbat it. You might conTRACT it; you don’t CONtract it.

Problem is, you can’t discuss the crisis without at some point using at least one of these words.

I am looking at you, Mike Pence.

 

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Whatever happens in the coming months, we must all agree to bail out the airline and cruise industries, professional sports teams, and other wealthy businesses before we even think of helping individual citizens.

We must also ensure that our highest priority during this trial is to assuage Wall Street because – and I coined this phrase myself, but feel free to use it – if there is one thing Wall Street dislikes, it’s uncertainty.

 

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Because virus fear is making everyone stupid, I feel I must point out that the above comments about bailing out the rich are sarcastic. I don’t really mean it.

But it will probably happen, anyway.

 

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This “social distancing” business is going to be a real pain in the ass for people like me.

I live in an apartment building, and I generally start out my mornings in the same way: I enjoy a cup of coffee, then I walk down the hallway, knocking on my neighbors’ doors and asking if anyone would care to have sex with me.

Typically, I will then have sex with three or four people before continuing with my day.

But now I am supposed to keep six feet away from the neighbors? Sad.

 

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Again, because everyone is now stupid, I must point out that the above comments about boinking my neighbors is me just kidding.

 

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I received an email from my cable company informing me that it is doing everything possible to ensure that I can still watch TV.

That’s the really important thing.

 

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Some good news: Everyone in Congress is at least 60 years old. So they are not likely to dilly-dally over battling this virus, which primarily targets the elderly.

 

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It is politically incorrect to criticize China.

Fuck you, China.

 

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You can have a president with a nasty personality. You can have a president who is a socialist. But you cannot have a president who, thinking he is pressing a button for room service, is instead pressing a button for the nuclear codes.

I am looking at you, Joe Biden.

 

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Self-Isolated with My Twitter Feed

 

Leggy females on cable news are many things, but I don’t usually associate them with great wit or humor. That’s why I was surprised to see this Tweet from Fox’s Gillian Turner:

 

 

But then came the explanation:

 

 

More Stupid People

 

 

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This dude Fauci (above) seems to have his shit together. I tend to trust him.

I suppose that now that we are looking to him for reassurance, he will become embroiled in some scandal involving a male prostitute in a hotel room.

 

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If some jerk with Photoshop can do this to a picture of Maria Sharapova, he can do it to anyone.

And so, if you see a photo of me naked on the Web and my penis is small and shriveled, rest assured it was doctored by some Internet creep. If, on the other hand, you should see a naked photo of me and my penis is large and handsome, that would be the real deal.

 

© 2010-2024 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

The Crotchety Editor

 

 

We’re thinking about changing the name of this Web site to The Crotchety Editor. After all, someone young can be grouchy, but The Grouch is no spring chicken, and so “crotchety” seems more on point.

 

This Week’s Yells from the Porch:

 

Has “tornado alley” changed locations? In the old days whenever there was big twister news it seemed to always come from Texas, Oklahoma, or Kansas. But lately, these nasty buggers seem to hit farther east and south; places like Nashville and the Deep South.

 

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Some radio jocks were discussing “new age music.” I’ve been hearing about “new age music” for decades. When does it finally become “middle aged music”? Or “old age music”?

 

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If there’s any good news coming out of this coronavirus mess, it’s the fact that we are all taking a closer look at greedy American corporations, movie studios, and pro sports teams that are selling out the U.S.A. for the Chinese buck.

 

As for the morons harassing Asian-Americans because of coronavirus … shut the fuck up. I work with a sweet young Hmong girl named Priya, and she is fearful of backlash against her friends and family. She is not harming you and has nothing to do with the damn virus, so leave Priya alone or I will beat the shit out of you.

 

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Can we please stop kidding ourselves that Mike Bloomberg was the only candidate trying to buy an election? In case you haven’t noticed, Sue the hairdresser and Stu the mechanic will not likely ever become president.

In America, you pretty much have to buy elections – either by being ultra-wealthy yourself or by begging for money from the rich.

 

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I dislike Pete Davidson (above). In every Saturday Night Live sketch, he looks as if he would prefer to be somewhere else — anywhere else. So please go there and get the hell out of my television.

Also, you’re nowhere near as funny as you seem to think you are.

 

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Some female golfer named Paige Spiranac is complaining to the media that the nude selfie shown above was posted online by her ex-boyfriend. She’s complaining. Yeah, right.

 

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One more coronavirus complaint: This business about washing our hands … it sounds like something the government says to its people because it doesn’t know what else to tell them, but it feels it must tell them something.

 

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That’s enough complaining. Let’s end this review on a positive note. Like this female volleyball player:

 

 

© 2010-2024 grouchyeditor.com (text only)