The Grouchy Editor

Scientists have set the hands of their infamous “doomsday clock” to three minutes to midnight.  But what happens when daylight saving time rolls around — do they move the clock ahead an hour?

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Clint Eastwood is apparently this generation’s John Wayne:  He makes entertaining movies that have an, uh, “interesting” take on reality.

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How to Get Bullied on the Internet

To get bullied from the right — criticize Chris Kyle

To get bullied from the left — support Billy Crystal

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“Only in America could a story like this get this big.” – Dana Perino about “Deflategate”

Not really, Dana.  In Europe, soccer fans riot and trample each other to death.  In South America, soccer fans storm the field and behead referees.  But in America, we make jokes about “balls.”

Wish I could get more worked up over this deflated-balls controversy, but I can’t.  I have a feeling that if 99 percent of the players and coaches in the NFL thought they could get away with cheating, they would go ahead and cheat.

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And last and least, today is the “Weekly Review’s” fifth anniversary.  What, us worry?

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I love me some Kenneth Branagh, and I’ve enjoyed his portrayal of the Swedish detective Wallander on PBS, but I recently binge-watched Sweden’s original TV version of the hangdog hero and man, now that I’ve seen Krister Henriksson’s (above) rendition of Wallander, there simply is no other Wallander.

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Happiest Oscar-Nominations Surprise:

The Lego Movie got stiffed.  It was technically impressive, but other than that its appeal was strictly at the third-grade level – which is apparently where 96 percent of the nation’s film critics reside, per Rotten Tomatoes.  Everything is awesome, my ass.

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To borrow a phrase that I hate from teenage girls:  I … can’t … even …

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I’d write something about Allison Williams’s rear end this week, but I already did that a few weeks ago.  Instead, let me express my sympathies to her father, Brian, who no doubt is still contending with vanilla cake jokes at work.

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I don’t understand the terrorist mindset.  Seems to me that if you’re going to be outraged by Western media, you might want to direct your anger at art that actually stands a chance of influencing people.

A few years ago, extremists went ballistic over an amateurish video, Innocence of Muslims, that looked like it was produced by Mrs. Spolum’s third-grade students.  Today, we have Kim Jong-un throwing a hissy fit over a piece of Hollywood fluff called The Interview, and French fanatics freaking out over juvenile cartoons published in a magazine nobody’s heard of.

Who could be next on the terrorists’ hit list?  Adam Sandler?

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Difficult Quiz:

Which dude above is CNN’s gay sex-symbol anchorman, and which dudes are his guests?

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From The Huffington Post:

Well, Jones did once tell a national TV audience that Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman “looks good in the shower.”

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From Politico:

Will someone please explain how it is that Boehner can be at his desk smoking a Camel?  Are members of Congress, unlike the rest of us, allowed to smoke cigarettes in public buildings?

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New Year’s Resolutions:

• Here’s hoping there are more airplane disasters, so that CNN might finally go to 23-hour airplane-crash coverage and change its name to AC (airplane crash) 360.  One hour per day would be allocated to Anthony Bourdain, who would, of course, review airline food.
• Here’s hoping the cable-news networks will institute bans on politicians using the following phrases:  “the American people,” “American women,” “African-Americans,” and “Mexican-Americans.”  Those aren’t political coalitions.  American women, African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, and the American people seem to be just as splintered as any other group.
• Here’s hoping there will be no more stories about the booming American economy.  Until Joe and Mary Sixpack feel the “booming American economy” in their wallets, they don’t want to hear about Wall Street.

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What I Heard:

“I’m not wearing football pants.”

What He Actually Said:

“I’m not wearing football pads.”

— Brett Favre in a commercial for Copper Fit.  I’m not convinced that Favre is the guy you want talking about not wearing things.

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Word That You Didn’t Know Exists:

So if you are happy with your boss, that makes you a gruntled employee.

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There was no news in America this week.  There was also no news in the outside world.  I know this to be true because Bill, Rachel, and all of the cable news networks – MSNBC, CNN, Fox – took the week off.

In that same spirit, we have decided to take the week off.  So please enjoy this picture of a goat:

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Before we sign off we’d like to thank Facebook, which poked its nose into our affairs and created a delightful “year in review” graphic for loyal users.  Per Facebook, here is what the Grouch’s 2014 looked like:

Here’s hoping that 2015 does not, once again, resemble a pile of fake vomit.

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Hate to say “I told you so,” but I told you so.  From December 2012 (click here). 

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Bullshit:

“The New York Times calls it the most extraordinary film since …”

“A riveting piece of art — The Washington Post”

“Rolling Stone says this is the best …”

Truth:

One nerdy guy with glasses at The New York Times, one constipated woman at The Washington Post, and one hack having a bad day at Rolling Stone wrote the reviews.  One opinion, but it sounds a lot more impressive when you say an entire publication likes your movie/book/music.

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I suppose this is just another case of Grouch’s dirty-old-manliness, but a piece this week on the local news about sexy reporter Natalie Nyhus’s lap-sit with Santa Claus caused Grouch’s egg to nog, his toe to mistle, and his candy to cane. 

Excerpts:

Natalie:  “It’s not often you get a one on one with Santa, and I had some burning questions.”

Natalie:  “Santa has a way of knowing whether you’ve been naughty or nice – at least, most of the time.”

Santa:  “You have to be a little naughty.”

Natalie:  “Yeah.”

Santa:  “OK, well you know that.”

Natalie:  “I do!”

Santa:  “Just a little bit.”

Natalie:  “Just a little bit.”

After the report, anchor Liz Collin, no lump of coal herself, seemed as intrigued as the Grouch was about Natalie’s cuddle with Claus:

Liz:  “Was that a little pillow talk you were having with Santa there?”

Natalie:  “I was sitting on his lap.”

Liz:  “You touched his key!”

Natalie:  “What?”

The girls seemed a bit churlish with each other.  If only some other bearded dude could mediate for them … wait … what’s this?

Reached for comment, the Grouch wouldn’t say whether or not the girls touched his key, but he did say that they jingled his bells.

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