The heavily inked Aaron Hernandez

 

I’m not sure that life in prison will be an effective punishment for convicted killer Aaron Hernandez. After all, he’s a jock who’s spent much of his adult life showering with other men. Won’t prison just be more of the same?

 

*****

 

Graf

 

Quote of the Week:

 

“The captain said that we’re turning around. And then he re-announced, ‘Don’t panic,’ which made everyone panic.”

— Alaska Airlines passenger Lexi Graf, above, describing the mood in the cabin after a baggage handler who fell asleep in the plane’s cargo hold woke up and began calling for help.

 

*****

 

From Monday’s Huffington Post:

 

Season1

 

Also from Monday’s Huffington Post:

 

Season2

 

Perhaps it should be open season on lazy headline writers.

 

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Life Itself

Ebert

 

I liked Roger Ebert. He was that rare celebrity who would reply to reader comments on his Web site, or respond to e-mails, as he did once or twice to mine. I think Ebert was America’s most popular film critic because he merged an “everyday Joe” persona with keen intelligence to produce thoughtful, accessible reviews. And it didn’t hurt that his TV pairing with Gene Siskel was a movie-buff’s delight.

But Ebert could also be, as we learn in the documentary Life Itself, something of a jerk. And so when Steve James’s camera records Ebert’s lengthy battle with cancer, the movie is honest, but perhaps not as moving as it might have been with a more sympathetic subject.  Ebert was a superb writer with unpredictable taste in movies, so it’s hard to know what he might have thought of Life Itself, but my guess would be “thumbs up.”  Release:  2014   Grade:  B+

 

 *****

 

Flu

Flu

 

Here’s a big, dumb, special-effects-heavy disaster pic from Korea, inspired by big, dumb, special-effects-heavy disaster pics from Hollywood, but featuring that peculiar Korean mash-up of 1950s wholesomeness and modern sensibilities (the heroine is a single-mother virologist).

The action scenes are well done and exciting, but what ruined the movie for me was snippy Dr. Kim who, for unfathomable reasons, puts our hero, a virtuous emergency-services worker who is smitten with her, through hoop after romantic hoop.  I mean, seriously, how many lives does the guy have to save – including those of Dr. Kim and her daughter before she’ll give him the time of day? The plot involves an infectious disease spreading through the Korean peninsula, but I found myself hoping the flu would infect Dr. Kim.  Release: 2013  Grade: B-

 

*****

 

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

Girl

 

Critics adore this movie, presumably because 1) it’s an Iranian story (shot in California); 2) it has a female Iranian-American director; and 3) it is a mash-up of — according to some reviewers — the vampire/western/romance/graphic-novel genres.  (I might debate the inclusion of “western.”)  What most critics don’t mention are Girl’s artsy, pretentious asides and the interminable pauses during which the plot grinds to a halt and the audience falls asleep.  Nice cinematography, though.  If you want to see a better movie about a lonely, female vampire who finds love with a cute Muggle, I recommend Let the Right One In. Release: 2014  Grade: C

 

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Fortitude

 

TV Update:

 

I’m only halfway through its 12-episode first season, but I am digging Fortitude on Pivot.

I said, “Fortitude on Pivot.” Fortitude:  the name of the series.  Pivot: the name of the channel it’s on. You’re welcome.

It’s television of the weird, what we might have gotten if David Lynch had directed The Thing. It’s odd, but it’s also atmospheric as hell, set at an isolated island-community in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, situated at the foot of an ominous glacier that never stops moaning and groaning.

 

**

 

Don’t know how much longer I can keep watching Outlander, which is morphing into Fifty Shades of Grey (Kilts):

 

Outlander

 

*****

 

Question on Red Eye“Joanne, how do you like your weenies?”

Joanne’s answer:  “Small.”

 

JoNo

 

*****

 

Pop Quiz:

 

In the pictures below, which is the character “Romero” from Escape from New York, and which is legendary actress Lucille Ball?

 

Lucy          Romero

 

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Tommy1

 

 

How to Move to America and Win Over Americans:

 

Wander through an L.A. neighborhood with a CBS camera crew in tow, knock on doors until you find a willing participant, and then film your entire show from … Tommy’s house.  Jeff Goldblum and Beck show up, and then you all play hide-and-seek in the messy house.  Oh, and also bring along a big snake.

 

 

Tommy2

 

 

How to Move to America and Immediately Piss Off Two-Thirds of Your Audience:

 

 

NoahTweet

 

 

Like most people, I hadn’t heard of Trevor Noah (below) when Comedy Central tagged him to host The Daily Show.  So I watched his stand-up routine on Netflix.  The guy is whip-smart and provocative.  That’s a good thing.  He’s also a professional comic who doesn’t know how to use Twitter. That’s a bad thing.

As for Noah’s fellow comics who leaped to his defense when all hell broke loose over his tweets (above), including Patton Oswalt and Jim Norton … they can dish it, but apparently they can’t take it.  Aren’t stand-up comedians supposed to have thick skin?

 

 

Noah

 

 

*****

 

From The Huffington Post:

 

Thatllchangehermind

 

Oh yeah, if that doesn’t get her to change her mind, nothing will.

 

 

*****

 

Tommy3

 

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Follows1

 

There are two bars for horror movies:  an overall bar, which is pretty damn high thanks to a string of classics that began in 1968 with Rosemary’s Baby and Night of the Living Dead and continued throughout the 1970s, and a more recent bar, which is pretty damn low.  It Follows doesn’t come close to the horror heights of those ’70s classics, but because of its ominous tone and a few memorable scenes, it’s a notch above most contemporary fright flicks.

Another reason It Follows is better than 99 percent of recent horror is that it actually shows respect – for the audience and for the genre itself. Writer-director David Robert Mitchell cares about what he puts on screen, and his attention to detail is rewarding.  Mitchell’s story is just as silly as what we usually get in horror, but he presents it with skill and panache.

 

Follows2

 

We are introduced to Jay (Maika Monroe), a morose young woman with morose young friends. (The default emotional state for all of the young people in this movie is morose. Do young people really sit around in dark living rooms, rarely speaking to each other and instead glued to crappy 1950s science-fiction flicks on TV? I have no idea, but these kids do.)  Jay goes out on a date with a handsome young man, and then we discover the threat in It Follows – a mysterious malady in which people have sex and  then get stalked by “it.” This unsettling state of affairs continues until the victim has sex with someone else, at which point … oh, never mind.  Suffice to say that director Mitchell outshines screenwriter Mitchell.

When the … uh, let’s call it an evil “presence” … gets to be too much for Jay, she finds refuge on a swing-set in the middle of a deserted, spooky playground, or by sleeping on the hood of her car. In sympathy for Jay, her morose friends become even more morose.  Eventually, our gang of heroes comes up with a foolproof way to battle the stalking menace, a solution that involves a swimming pool, irons, TVs, and other electrical appliances. But of course.  It’s a climax that’s certainly “different.” It’s a climax that’s also certifiably dumb.

 

Follows3

 

There are a few scary scenes and several disturbing images in It Follows. Who’d have thought that a lone figure simply shuffling toward the camera out of a crowd of extras could be so unnerving? The eerie musical score has garnered comparisons to John Carpenter’s famous keyboards in Halloween, but it reminded me more of the bizarro score created by Goblin for Suspiria.

So what, exactly, is the “it” that follows? I have no clue, but it does involve the scariest thing on Earth:  naked old people. In this movie, young people have sex with most of their clothes on, while old people go full monty. So on second thought, maybe it really is a horror classic.    Grade:  B

 

Follows4

 

Director:  David Robert Mitchell   Cast:  Maika Monroe, Keir Gilchrist, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe, Daniel Zovatto, Jake Weary, Bailey Spry, Debbie Williams, Ruby Harris, Leisa Pulido  Release:  2015

 

Follows5

 

Watch Trailers (click here)

 

Follows6

 

Follows7

 

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Head2

 

 Head2

 

 

Head1

 

 

*****

 

 

aFallon - Copy

 

I don’t understand what it is about late-night comics that compels them, once they get a new show or time slot, to celebrate by baring their butts.  Jimmy Fallon gets The Tonight Show and treats the world to a picture of his ass.  Jimmy Kimmel gets an earlier time slot and accompanies the big news with a peek at his plumber’s butt.   And now this from James Corden:

 

Corden

 

As for Corden’s debut on CBS, critics are describing the British host as “adorable,” “cute,” and “pleasant.”  Teddy bears are adorable, cute, and pleasant.  They are also what you give to children to put them to sleep at night – not sure that’s the effect CBS is going for.

 

*****

 

Blood1

 

I keep watching great short series that become mediocre long series.  Showrunners take a tight, compelling drama and water it down, pad it out, and reduce A-quality shows to B-quality shows.  Latest examples: The Fall and Bloodline (above), both on Netflix.  If you’ve told the tale in five or six or eight episodes, just end it, please.

 

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 by Caroline Graham

Drift

 

An elderly schoolteacher is found dead, her best friend thinks it’s a case of foul play, and Chief Inspector Barnaby is dispatched to Badger’s Drift to investigate.  Graham sprinkles her prose with words and expressions that are oh-so-British, her characters are colorful, and her plot is clever – albeit at times far-fetched.  My complaint:  I find Graham’s hero, DCI Barnaby, a bit smug and a bit dull.  I have the same problem with the actor (John Nettles) who portrays Barnaby in the popular TV series based on Graham’s novels, Midsomer Murders.

 

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Schitt

 

 

“Did you know Richard Gere’s middle name is Tiffany?” – a character on the sitcom Schitt’s Creek

 

I didn’t know that, but apparently it’s true.  Poor Richard Gere.   As if that whole hamster … er, gerbil thing wasn’t enough.

 

 

Gerbils

 

 

By the way, Schitt’s Creek is actually a pretty good show — if you can find it.

 

 

*****

 

 

BrookeTweet

 

I understand why Brooke was excited and took to Twitter.  It must be an exhilarating feeling for a CNN anchor to actually have an audience.

 

 

*****

 

In light of Benjamin Netanyahu’s big win in Israel, we wanted to reserve some space in “The Weekly Review,” just in case we thought of something nice to say about him:

 

Space

 

 

**

 

In light of Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz’s courageous stand against racism by forcing his company’s low-wage employees to dig out their sociology degrees and engage grumpy customers in race-related conversations, we also wanted to reserve some space, just in case we thought of something nice to say about him:

 

Space

 

 

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 Housebound

Housebound

 

The plot is both clever and ridiculous, but Housebound is one entertaining comic thriller from New Zealand.  Morgana O’Reilly plays a young woman who is not – I repeat, not – the clueless ingénue we’ve come to expect in movies like this one – you know, the pretty-but-dim heroine you can’t wait to see with an axe planted in her skull.  No, O’Reilly’s character is a street tough sentenced to house arrest at the creepy old home where she was raised, sharing close quarters with her scatterbrained mother and mealy-mouthed stepfather.  But there are strange doings in the house, and they don’t seem to be caused by the oddball family.  Housebound is great fun, with colorful actors and oh, yeah, a superb musical score.  Release:  2014  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Force Majeure

Force

 

What does it mean to be a man?  In particular, what defines a “family man” in 2015?  Like any good Swedish drama, Force Majeure raises lots of provocative questions … and then fails to answer any of them.  But that’s OK because we know that it’s the journey – in this case, a ski vacation in the French Alps – that matters, and it’s a bumpy trip indeed for a family of four when the husband’s reaction to a sudden avalanche ruins everyone’s good time.  Release:  2014      Grade:  B+

 

 *****

 

King of Devil’s Island

Island

 

Well-done Norwegian drama about the grueling conditions on an island prison for boys, circa 1915.  Too bad so much of the story is familiar; if you’ve seen Cool Hand Luke, The Shawshank Redemption, etc., you can likely predict much of the plot in King.  Still, the acting is superb, and the Nordic scenery is suitably chilling.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B

 

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Saul

 

 

TV Update

 

LastMan

 

Shows I like  …  kind of,  sort of,  just a little bit: 

 

Bates Motel, The Last Man on Earth

 

 

My interest is waning:

 

House of Cards.   It’s still a good show, but the Evil Underwoods factor is beginning to wear a bit thin.

 

Kimmy

 

Good show, but I am not in the target audience:

 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  Star Ellie Kemper is amusing, but I don’t find jokes about expensive shoes particularly funny – yet I realize that a lot of people do.  Kimmy seems aimed at the folks who keep up with Kardashians, consume whatever’s on E!, and subscribe to Star magazine.

 

I’m hooked: 

 

Better Call Saul.  It might not be Breaking Bad, but then again, what is?

 

*****

 

          Gretchen

 

“And did you know she was my former babysitter?” – Gretchen Carlson, referring to Michele Bachmann.  That might explain a thing or two.  The Grouch, who is from Minnesota, wonders why all of these right-wing crazy women seem to come from Minnesota.

 

**

 

“These are sick, sick people, indeed, destroying these historic artifacts in these ancient cities some 3,000 years old.” – Wolf Blitzer, referring to ISIS trashing museums and precious art.  Silly me.  At first,  I thought Wolf was referring to the American idiots who carved their initials into the Roman Coliseum.

 

**

 

“Bacon and guns – like a dream come true for me.” – Kimberly Guilfoyle on The Five.  That’s pretty much all you need to know about Kimberly Guilfoyle.

 

*****

 

From The Huffington Post:

 

Huff1

 

From The Huffington Post, one hour later:

 

Huff2

 

I prefer the first headline, don’t you?

 

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