My main complaint with modern horror is that so much of it substitutes sound and fury for genuine suspense. Rather than build tension, these movies assault the senses with loud noise, frenzied camerawork, and gore. But there is an opposite extreme, exemplified by Voice from the Stone, in which the burn is so slow that it induces boredom.
Emilia Clarke looks lovely as a nurse employed by a grieving widower to look after his disturbed young son at their Italian estate, which, like Clarke, is lovingly photographed. But the first hour is so understated and muted that by the time things finally start to happen in the third act, I was nearly comatose. Release: 2017 Grade: C-
Big Brother fans are excited because ousted Trump administration bogeywoman Omarosa (above right) is in the hamster house.
As for me, I prefer the joy of spreading false rumors in Big Brother chat rooms, like this one at Joker’s Updates:
“Shannon,” by the way, is Shannon Elizabeth. You might remember her from American Pie. If you don’t, these screen captures might jog your … memory.
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My Facebook page informs me that War of Kings, above,is a “featured game.” I’m sure it’s all about a skillful female hero who fights her way to … ah, who am I kidding? It’s obviously about her shapely ass.
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“(Fill in the blank) Sparks Twitter Outrage”
Can we retire this clichéd, tired phrase already?
It’s too easy for lazy editors to find 23 people who are upset about something – anything – and to then create a stupid story about it.
Exception:
“Twitter ‘Outrage’ Sparks Twitter Outrage”
That one we can keep.
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This nasal-voiced, annoying chick on the Match.com commercial who says, “Come find me!” Doesn’t seem all that smart.
I am picturing some creepy serial stalker, sitting at his computer in the basement, watching this commercial and taking her request as a personal challenge.
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These two clowns got booted from the Winter Olympics in South Korea for startling spectators with their hilarious Donald Trump-Kim Jong-un impersonation.
Big mistake. They were vastly more entertaining than watching whiny athletes like Lindsey Vonn.
Normally, I might cheer for the Philadelphia Eagles on Super Bowl Sunday simply because I’m tired of Tom Brady and the Patriots and their crab-faced coach.
But man … that would mean rewarding Eagles fans, and Eagles fans seem to be the largest collection of undeserving thugs in the country.
Go Patriots! … I guess.
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When the news is so relentlessly depressing, it’s tempting to just put your head in the sand until it all goes away.
Notice I said your head, not my head.
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We asked Rip to live Tweet the Grammy Awards. From time to time, he got bored and strayed off topic:
Nothing worse than a politician who fails to ease calms.
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OK, well … ahem … about that whole “America’s Team” thing in last week’s post ….
Never mind.
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TV Tidbits
I’ve only seen the first episodes of Counterpart and The Alienist, so it’s too soon to know if they’ll be worthwhile viewing. So let’s review them, anyway:
Counterpart on Starz is a science-fiction drama starring J.K. Simmons. It might be good if … it avoids the common sci-fi pitfall of letting its plot get too far-fetched. Humorous sci-fi can get by with that sort of thing; serious sci-fi, not so much.
The Alienist on TNT is a period drama about a serial killer in 1890s New York. It might be good if … it avoids the curse of too many period dramas that fall in love with the setting at the expense of a good story.
Let’s forget about government shutdowns and illegal immigration this week and instead celebrate football and the real America’s Team.
Click hereto watch the famous video again. And then watch it again. And again. (Unless you’re from New Orleans, in which case, never mind.)
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And while we’re celebrating football, take a stroll down memory lane and savor this ancient photo of Kansas City quarterback Len Dawson enjoying a break in the action:
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Netflix Nuggets
The plot owes a lot to The Silence of the Lambs, and you might well be able to guess the identity of the killer, but France’s La Mante is a well-made thriller that’s often gripping.
Who knew that former “Bond girl” Carole Bouquet could play such a fascinating serial killer? (By the way, that’s not a spoiler.)
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Dalton
Fanny Watch
Netflix cranks out tons of rotten horror movies. The Open House is not one of them. It’s no masterpiece (ignore its abysmal customer rating on IMDB), but I enjoyed the creepy atmosphere and an ending that conjured memories of the original Black Christmas.
Plus, actress Piercey Dalton contributes this shower scene to our Fanny Watch:
More evidence of the decline of Western civilization:
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The media were aghast that an American president might utter the word “shithole” in a public forum. Classy Politico, for example, wouldn’t dream of exploiting such a vulgar term. From Politico’s Web site:
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TV Updates
Sometimes I get hooked on a show simply because I am entranced by the main characters. It doesn’t matter if they’re robbing a bank, or reading quietly in the library; I just want to see what they’re up to.
Fortunately for viewers of The End of the F***ing World, a delightfully eccentric Netflix import from Britain, the show’s writers are more than capable of finding interesting things for teenage runaways James and Alyssa (pictured above) to do — things like shoplifting, car theft, and offing serial killers.
Sure, it’s contrived. But God help me, I am once again watching (and enjoying) the crazy geezers on Better Late than Never.
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We’re thinking that the presdent of Fox Business Network should consider repatrating some funds to hire a proofreader. It’s something dimmocratic the could do.
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Good commercial:
I loathe that GEICO green lizard, but I’ll have to admit that a lot of the company’s other spots, like the sloth bit pictured above, make me chuckle.
Bad commercial:
Good lord, could Xfinity have found an athlete with less personal charisma than shuffling, mumble-mouthed bobsledder Elana Meyers Taylor, pictured above? Not “lookin’ good,” Elana.
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What the hell is it with all of these weird-ass, sex-related confessions and rumors featuring Michael Douglas?
It’s tempting to write off Aval (English title: The House Next Door), India’s homage to Hollywood horror classics like The Exorcist. Much of the dialogue (a peculiar mix of Indian languages and English) and relationships evoke corny melodramas from the 1950s. At some point the story, in which a doctor and his wife learn that someone in their Himalayan neighborhood is possessed, stops making a lot of sense, and a few scenes are unintentionally funny.
However … there’s no question that several of director Milind Rau’s set pieces are chilling, with clever camerawork and stunning visuals. Also in its favor: the movie is consistently entertaining. Release: 2017 Grade: B+
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The Babysitter
A 12-year-old boy discovers that his oh-so-hot babysitter is actually a psychotic devil worshipper in this Netflix horror-comedy that starts out silly and grows progressively more ridiculous. But no worries: It’smeant to be silly, it’s well-produced, and it’s often amusing. Oh, and Samara Weaving gives a killer performance as the blonde from hell. Release: 2017 Grade: B+
Yes, and yes again. Trump and his Republican pals need to stop citing the fucking stock market when crowing about “the economy.”
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Trump might be nuts, but CNN seems to be right there with him. Brooke Baldwin freaked out when a guy said “boobs” on her show, but on New Year’s Eve she boasted to a drunk Don Lemon that “my balls are bigger than your balls.”
Lemon, viewers might recall, once complimented Kathy Griffin on her “nice rack.” And then last week, we got CNN’s Randi Kaye laughing and fondling a pot-filled bong on live TV.
Brian Williams, when informed about Baldwin’s “big balls” declaration, assured anyone within earshot that his enormous testicles are listed in the Guinness World Records.
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Let me see if I have this straight: Tobacco taxes go up every 15 minutes, but liquor taxes, which haven’t gone up in decades, are going down?
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Mark Steyn and Sebastian Gorka: How are these not the same guy?
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Formerly great show that is now merely a good show:
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Formerly great show that is still a great show:
Black Mirror
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Veteran character actor Paul Sorvino wants to pummel Harvey Weinstein for blacklisting Sorvino’s daughter, Mira.
The blacklisting makes no sense to us, either, because we took a look at Mira’s audition tape, presented below:
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That’s Elizabeth Montgomery, circa 1963. You can’t tell me that Hollywood babes of that generation weren’t the bomb.
Horowitz’s double mystery is a lot of fun for fans of old-fashioned whodunits. It’s a clever book-within-a-book in which a literary editor investigates the suspicious death of her company’s most successful writer: an irascible cuss who wrote the wildly popular “Atticus Pund” mysteries.
For the most part, Horowitz (the original scriptwriter for TV’s Midsomer Murders) avoids common whodunit pitfalls like implausibility and cheating. The ease with which he links two seemingly unrelated crimes — one in “real” life and the other in the pages of a thriller — is also impressive.
I was able to predict the murderer of the cantankerous author. But I won’t boast because I was gobsmacked by the identity of the killer in the Pund portion of the book.
The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by pubicly publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.
So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?
Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?
Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?
(Click on pictures for a larger view)
Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:
“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”
Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.
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Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.
Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.
“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here)and Alicia (click here), too.”
From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:
On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.
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August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:
“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”
Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”
Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:
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The Practical Joke
Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).
Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.
“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”
Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:
Kevyn Burger: “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”
Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)
KB: “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”
KB: “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”
Gal Pals: “Yes!”
Gal Pal 2: “I just about died.”
KB: “He looks pretty proud.”
Gal Pal 2: “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”
KB: “And nothing else!”
Gal Pal 1: “And nothing else.”
Gal Pal 2: “Just his birthday suit.”
KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”
Gal Pal 2: “We see everything else.” (laughter)
Gal Pal 1: “I think we can see the identifying marks.”
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Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:
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Rip was interviewed by “Simone” (not her real name, above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.
Simone got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.
About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.
“How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.
Simone told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:
“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’”
Simone went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:
“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Simone said.
Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:
Simone continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”
Says Rip: “That little girl (“Simone”) gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when I heard her comment on the podcast about getting balled — a lot.” (Scroll down for the audio clip.)
Simone’s podcast comment:
For the deaf or hard-of-hearing, here’s a transcript:
“For me personally, I’m someone who’s fucked a lot of people right away.”
Says Rip: “She’s an aspiring actress. I’d imagine there are low-budget producers in Hollywood who would be interested in a girl who will ‘do the deed’ with guys she’s just met. You know, like other actors.
“Maybe we could co-star in a remake of I Spit on Your Grave. She’d play the girl who gets gang-banged in the woods. I’d play the mentally challenged dude with a tiny cock who also gets a piece. Oh, and it would be unsimulated sex, of course!”
Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”
Below, Nicoletta (left) and Simone (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.
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Simone:
“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?”
Nicoletta:
“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”
“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”
“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”
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One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.
Listen to the full podcast below:
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Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:
Marlena: “How many women have you had sex with?”
“Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?”
“How wide is your penis?”
“Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?”
“How does having a small penis affect your life?”
Rip: “Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.”
Marlena: “I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.”
Marlena: “Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?”
Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.
You can read Marlena’s interview with Rip by clicking here.
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Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.
Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.
After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.
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“I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick
“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook
You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone
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Photo (Shop) Fun!
Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view
Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize
Rip’s dinghy approaches the anchor
Editor’s note:Date – 3/16/2025 Apparently, making sport of Rip’s shortcomings is still a thing. Some wag recently sent us this photo:
