The Grouchy Editor

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You’ve got to hand it to the makers of 2012 — they deliver what you expect.   Much as I’d like to rate this end-of-the-world movie lower, with its plodding plot and cardboard characters, I have to admit that I anticipated fun special effects, and fun special effects I got.

It’s interesting how the basic formula for this type of film has changed so little since Irwin Allen popularized the “disaster picture” back in the 1970s.  Just as in The Towering Inferno, Earthquake, and The Poseidon Adventure, we get a big-name cast so that the script doesn’t have to waste time on character development.  We already knew Steve McQueen and we already know John Cusack, so there’s no reason to waste time on boring exposition.  No, let’s go straight to the goodies:  tidal waves, earthquakes, explosions.  From time to time, the action is interrupted for some insipid preaching about love or the future of mankind.

2012 dutifully carries on this hackneyed tradition.  But the special effects are impressive … although you have to wonder how lame they might look on late-night TV in 2032.       Grade:  C

Director:  Roland Emmerich  Cast:  John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Thandie Newton, Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson  Release:  2009

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The Box gets a passing grade chiefly for what it is not:  It’s not boring and it’s not predictable.  As for what it is … good grief.  A mess?

Based on a short story by Richard Matheson (a writer whose work runs the Hollywood gamut; everything from the good, like I Am Legend, to the bizarre, like this film), The Box left me scratching my head.  Should I watch it again, to see if it makes more sense?  Nah, I didn’t like it well enough the first time.  But it does have intriguing parts to its ridiculous whole.

Start with the soundtrack.  It’s rare that I even notice the background music in thrillers.  But in this film the score by Arcade Fire screams for attention.  It often becomes a distraction, as the musical group channels everything from Bernard Herrmann to 1970s strings and bells.  And yet, like the film itself, the music has an odd charm.

Matheson’s plot is about a young couple forced to make a difficult choice:  earn a million bucks but cause someone’s death, or decline the money.  That’s an old plot, but there’s no denying the film’s originality.       Grade:  C-

Director:  Richard Kelly  Cast:  Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella, James Rebhorn, Holmes Osborne  Release:  2009

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The Informant! has taken a rap for treating serious issues (corporate price fixing, embezzlement) in a lighthearted manner, and with some justification.  After all, informant Mark Whitacre and other Archer Daniels Midland executives served real prison terms for their involvement in the 1990s scandal.  Nothing funny about that.

In the film’s defense are Hollywood tradition and the moviegoer’s common sense. Filmmakers have been glorifying crooks forever (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,  Public Enemies), and most people understand the difference between reality and movies.

If you can deal with that divorce from reality and take director Steven Soderbergh’s black comedy for what it is, then The Informant! is an amusing lark.  Matt Damon, apparently wearing a fat suit, is a mild-mannered delight as Whitacre, whose self-delusions only escalate as the American Dream crumbles around him.
Grade:  B

Director:  Steven Soderbergh  Cast:  Matt Damon, Scott Bakula, Joel McHale, Melanie Lynskey, Tony Hale, Thomas F. Wilson, Rick Overton, Tom Papa, Adam Paul, Paul F. Tompkins  Release:  2009

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The beauty of  The September Issue is that you don’t need fashion sense to make sense of it.  At heart, it’s the story of two women who, although quite different in temperament, have made legends of themselves in the fashion world.

One of those women you probably know:  Anna Wintour, editor-in-chief of Vogue and allegedly the inspiration for Meryl Streep’s acidic character in The Devil Wears Prada.  The other woman, Vogue creative director Grace Coddington, is behind the scenes and seems the sort of woman who’d treat office temps to donuts and survival tips.

Coddington gets most of the documentary’s screentime, and the former model milks her time in the spotlight.  Maybe too much so.

The camera-shy Wintour does not seem devilish at all, merely perfectionist and introverted.  In her limited time on screen, she is the more enigmatic and interesting of the two women, especially in brief interviews about her family.          Grade:  B+

Director:  R.J. Cutler  Featuring:  Anna Wintour, Grace Coddington  Release:  2009

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Let’s take a look at the ledger for The Invention of Lying, a better-than-average romantic comedy, but also a movie that lacks the courage of its convictions:

On the plus side, the movie has ambition.  Ricky Gervais tackles religion, societal values, and other Big Questions with wit and charm in a story about a fantasy world in which nearly everyone speaks the truth.  The comments people make to each other are biting and very funny.  Also, Rob Lowe is an underrated comic actor; every scene he appears in adds spark to the proceedings.

On the negative side, Gervais (who cowrote and co-directed) undermines his own premise.  Gervais is saying we shouldn’t “judge a book by its cover,” yet his attraction to the female lead (Jennifer Garner) is apparently based solely on her looks.  Why else would he crave such a vapid, shallow woman?  And, after raising provocative questions about the very nature of existence, The Invention of Lying wraps up with a standard Hollywood ending, church scene and all.

I give the movie high marks for its clever humor — usually in the form of deadpan asides made by bit players — and for the charm of its cast.  But I’d be lying if I said it was a masterpiece.       Grade:  B

Directors:  Ricky Gervais, Matthew Robinson  Cast:  Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner, Rob Lowe, Louis C.K., Tina Fey, Christopher Guest, Jeffrey Tambor, John Hodgman, Jonah Hill, Stephen Merchant  Release:  2009

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This isn’t a “review” so much as a concurrence.  I completely agree with Seth Colter Walls’s assessment of this film in the February 1 edition of Newsweek.  For what it is (a modern-day Western), The Hurt Locker does a fine job.  Kathryn Bigelow’s suspense flick pushes all the right buttons, and the bomb scenes are first-rate.  Thus, I rate it 90 percent.  But it doesn’t rate any higher than that, just as it doesn’t deserve a Best Picture Oscar, because that’s all it is:  a suspense flick.

Jeremy Renner is fine as the protagonist, but Bruce Willis could have pulled off this role.  Or Chuck Conners (The Rifleman, remember him?).

People are placing much importance on Hurt Locker because it’s set in wartime Iraq, and therefore it must be a “serious” motion picture.  Hogwash.  Hogan’s Heroes was set in a Nazi P.O.W. camp, but I don’t believe it racked up Emmy Awards.  So enjoy Bigelow’s movie for what it is, a well-crafted, yet ultimately forgettable, nail-biter.     Grade:  B+

Director:  Kathryn Bigelow  Cast:  Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Bryan Geraghty, Evangeline Lilly, David Morse, Ralph Fiennes, Guy Pearce  Release:  2009

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So I went to Blockbuster today and, in honor of Valentine’s Day, rented Paranormal Activity.  The clerk at the counter looked at my DVD and said, “Can I ask you, are you renting this because you think you might like it, or just out of curiosity?”  I told him I suspected I would be disappointed in it.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling coquettishly.  (OK, so it wasn’t coquettish, I just like that word.  Did I misspell it?)  He told me it wasn’t very good.  I told him he could probably be fired for discouraging customers.  He sprang out of a slouch and informed me that, to the contrary, Blockbuster encourages employee honesty — good or bad — in movie recommendations.  I was surprised by that.  Good on you, Blockbuster.

So now I was twice warned, most recently by this would-be Tarantino at Blockbuster, and the first time ten years ago when I made the mistake of taking my two prepubescent nieces and their friend to The Blair Witch Project.  That movie, for the uninitiated, was another ultra-low-budget horror flick with amazing word-of-mouth.  The scariest thing about Blair Witch turned out to be the distinct possibility that someone seated behind you might at any moment puke down the back of your seat in reaction to the hyperactive, herky-jerky cinematography.  That was scary, and so were the horrifying closeups of the female star’s nostrils.

So how did Paranormal Activity stack up?  I was pleasantly surprised.  The acting was fine, although the characters weren’t particularly sympathetic as written (she’s a bit shrewish; he’s a bit wimpy).  Most of the special effects could be accomplished with a ball of string, and perhaps were.  But for such a low-budget piece of filmmaking, there are some genuine chills, and I thought the ending was a hoot.

Would I watch it again?  Probably not.  But hey, Blockbuster dude, it was much better than Blair Witch.     Grade:  B-

Director:  Oren Peli  Cast:  Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Mark Fredrichs, Amber Armstrong, Ashley Palmer  Release:  2009

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Zombieland starts out well.  Our hero (Jesse Eisenberg), surveying a sterile, vacant parking lot, informs us that we are in Garland, Texas, which he tells us was pretty much a “zombieland” before a mysterious virus actually zombified mankind.  He is spot-on with his analysis.  I lived in Garland, Texas, in the 1980s, and I recall the city council once asking a public relations expert about how to make the bland Dallas suburb into a “sexier” destination.  The expert’s advice apparently didn’t take, because Zombieland chose to single out poor Garland for abuse.

As I say, the film begins promisingly, for us if not for Garland.  But then, despite a good cast, it quickly degenerates into a series of clichés.  Eisenberg plays yet another golden-hearted loser, unlucky at love but a whiz at computer games; Woody Harrelson pops in as the stupid macho man we are expected to laugh at — and admire — as he mentors the kid; two thinly drawn female characters are introduced, I suppose so that teenage girls will more likely see Zombieland with their boyfriends.

The laughs are cheap.  I guess it’s mildly amusing that Harrelson’s tough guy has a weakness for Twinkies, but is that such a funny gag that it must be repeated, over and over again?

The special effects … sigh … are fine.  This is the problem with Hollywood movies today:  The acting is usually quite good, the direction is accomplished, the set direction and cinematography are a wonder to behold, and the special effects make you gasp.  See anything missing from that list?  Only the most important element — a memorable story, devoid of clichés.

Zombieland, like most of Hollywood’s output, is a diverting enough way to spend two hours.  But it’s also as forgettable as a parking lot in Garland.      Grade:  C

Director:  Ruben Fleischer  Cast:  Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Amber Heard  Release:  2009

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