And Then1

 

Who among us, in our misspent youth, has not hunched over a game board and contemplated Colonel Mustard doing something nasty with a lead pipe in a conservatory?  “Clue” fans and Agatha Christie buffs, And Then There Were None is the movie for you.  Christie’s classic whodunit has been filmed many times, but no version can match director Rene Clair’s tongue-in-cheek delight from 1945.

A group of strangers is summoned to a barren island and, sequestered in a cliffside mansion staffed by two servants, the guests are bumped off, one by one.  Clair’s actors play all of this straight-faced, but the movie is loaded with sly wit and humor.  And these really are the characters from “Clue.”  Barry Fitzgerald, Walter Huston, Roland Young, June Duprez, C. Aubrey Smith, Judith Anderson, and Richard Haydn are all outstanding.

My only quibble is that, typically for films of that time, Christie’s ending has been altered.  Rest assured, there is no happy ending for the young lovers in the book.     Grade:  A-

 

And Then3    And Then2

 

Director:  Rene Clair  Cast:  Barry Fitzgerald, Walter Huston, Louis Hayward, Roland Young, June Duprez, C. Aubrey Smith, Judith Anderson, Richard Haydn, Mischa Auer  Release:  1945

 

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by Ernest Hemingway

Old

 

It’s funny.  You go back and read the critical reaction to Hemingway’s Pulitzer Prize-winning The Old Man and the Sea, and you learn that some critics saw it as a vengeful allegory — Hemingway placing himself in the shoes of an old man who battles on, despite being constantly assailed by outside forces (in this case, Hemingway critics).  Other analysts were struck by the story’s religious significance, especially in a passage in which Santiago, the “old man,” alludes to his crucifixion.

But in rereading the novella, I think of it first and foremost as the middle link in a trifecta of epic man-versus-sea-monster sagas.  First Ahab and his great white whale, then Hemingway’s Santiago and the sharks, and finally that Hollywood bad boy, “Bruce the Shark” in Spielberg’s Jaws.  Critics don’t seem all that interested in what might be Old Man’s strongest asset — it’s a gripping adventure tale.

 

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Blind

 

Since The Blind Side is purportedly about football, allow me to divide the film into halves:  The movie scores in its first half, but develops a severe case of fumble-itis in the second half.  Half One works well because it skillfully manipulates the audience.  There is nothing wrong with that.  All movies “manipulate” the audience — that’s what directors and editors are paid to do.  It’s only when we don’t care for a flick that we use the “M” word derisively. 

Blind Side gets off to its great start on the strength of star Sandra Bullock’s charisma.  Bullock is the queen of feistiness and the half-smile.  Her youngest child says something precocious?  Cut to a Bullock half-smile.  Her husband does something endearingly stupid?  Close-up shot of that half-smile.

Into Bullock’s charmed, upper-middle-class life comes Michael Oher, a teenaged giant from the Memphis slums with a teddy-bear personality and no place to sleep at night.  Bullock and her brood take the kid in.  I haven’t read the Michael Lewis book upon which  Blind Side is based but, according to critics who have, what follows in the film is very loosely based on the truth.  Young Michael’s adaptation to the privileged, white world of the Tuohy family was not so tidy in reality.

But no matter.  This is a Hollywood movie, and director John Lee Hancock’s artistic liberties make for a touching and funny first half.  Ironically, The Blind Side starts to collapse the minute its focus turns to football.  No amount of manipulation can change the feeling that we’ve seen this plot many times before, and even Bullock’s charm can’t stave off the staleness.     Grade:  C+

 

Director:  John Lee Hancock  Cast:  Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates, Quinton Aaron, Jae Head, Lily Collins  Release:  2009

 

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by Sam Lipsyte

Ask

 

Milo Burke, the middle-aged, failed artist protagonist of Sam Lipsyte’s new novel, is the kind of New Yorker you like to visit but don’t want to live with.  For the first 75 pages of The Ask, I had to ask myself if I really wanted to spend the next 225 pages with the class smartass that is Burke.  Sure, Milo is often hilarious (think Groucho Marx let loose in a diversity-training class), but geez, too much of that can send you screaming to the wheat fields of Kansas.

But gradually, inexorably, Lipsyte adds substance to his story.  There’s more to Milo than his dead-end job at a “mediocre” college fundraising office, and his interactions with his drifting wife, an amputee Iraq war vet, and a rich friend from his college past transform The Ask from mere screwball ranting into something deeper and more satisfying.

 

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Thunderbolt

 

In 1974, Clint Eastwood was fresh off the success of Dirty Harry, not to mention all those spaghetti Westerns he starred in.  Jeff Bridges was … well, the son of that guy who starred in Sea Hunt on TV.  Inexplicably, Eastwood was paired with Bridges for Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, an out-of-nowhere comedy-drama about a thief (Eastwood) teaming up with a drifter (Bridges) to locate some hidden loot.  So guess who steals the movie?  Watch it free by going  here.

 

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Ghost Writer

 

There is a car chase in Roman Polanski’s new thriller, The Ghost Writer.  As car chases go, it’s not much of one.  It’s over shortly after it begins, and there are no crashes.  You have to wonder if it was inserted at the studio’s behest, something to spice up the trailers and lure in Joe and Mary Sixpack.  Having made that observation,  I’ll say The Ghost Writer is one of the year’s best movies.

That’s because Polanski, that old pro, has delivered a first-class psychological thriller, or, on second thought, a mental thriller.  The exiled director gathered a veteran cast, moved filming to Northern Europe (the story takes place on the U.S. east coast), and then assembled the pieces of his puzzle with loving attention to detail.

Ewan McGregor is a perfect everyman, an innocuous (and unnamed, in the story) ghost writer surrounded by perilous people and perilous places.  McGregor’s writer finds himself embroiled in not just a political whodunit, but also a “whatdunit,” and Polanski’s cast members — Pierce Brosnan, Olivia Williams, Tom Wilkinson, and Robert Pugh, in particular —  all ooze menace.

The movie is a tad too long and it could do with one or two less red herrings, but it’s something all too rare at today’s cineplex:  a thriller that doesn’t need any damn car chases.      Grade  B+

 

Director:  Roman Polanski  Cast:  Ewan McGregor, Pierce Brosnan, Kim Cattrall, Olivia Williams, Eli Wallach, James Belushi, Timothy Hutton, Tom Wilkinson  Release:  2010

 

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 .                                       Cruise

 

Obesity in America

 

I feel sorry for today’s youngsters in their battle to stave off obesity.  If I had such a cool array of electronic toys to play with when I was a child, I’d probably be at least 50 pounds overweight today.  So would Tom Cruise (above).

 

 

Bullocka           Bullockb

 

                                      Sex Scandal in America

 

Lots to choose from:  Tiger Woods and his porn star; Rielle Hunter and GQ; Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.  Apparently CNN’s Mike Galanos is a close personal friend of Bullock, because he shared this insight:  “She [alleged homewrecker Michelle McGee] couldn’t be more different than Sandra Bullock.  Who in their right mind cheats on Sandra Bullock?”

So I guess Bullock is an idiot.  Are we supposed to believe that she had absolutely no idea what James was like, or what his past was like, before she married him?  My guess is that she’s nowhere near the saint that her image, and Mike Galanos, would have us believe.

 

*****

 

 

Tom Brokaw:  Silly me.  I figured it was a broadcasting-school prerequisite that you must be able to speak coherently, rather than as if your mouth was filled with mashed potatoes.

 

Matthews

 

Chris Matthews:  I’d change the name of his show to “The No-Spit Zone.”  I am surprised we can actually see Matthews on screen, given the amount of spittle he must spray over MSNBC cameras.  Find a better dentist, dude.

 

OReilly

 

Bill O’Reilly:  O’Reilly must have been endlessly caned by the Catholic nuns who oversaw his education.  The man is actually least frightening when he’s screaming at a guest; it’s when he smiles, donning his faux-grandfather demeanor, that you know it’s time to run.

 

Olbermann

 

Keith Olbermann:  Olbermann strikes me as a walking, talking nervous breakdown.  Olbermann’s father died recently, and that’s too bad, but listening to him rant, we might believe that Republican opposition to Obamacare is a personal assault on the memory of his dad.

 

Hannity

 

Sean Hannity:  Hannity invites lots of pretty girls to his show, like conservative blogger S.E. Cupp and disgraced beauty queen Carrie Prejean.  This makes no sense to me, because these ladies present eye-candy competition for Hannity, who appears to spend more time in front of a mirror than Dudley Do-Right ever did.

 

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Name of Rose

 

When they decided to turn Umberto Eco’s novel The Name of the Rose into a film, they pretty much managed to push all of my movie-going buttons.  Were I given millions of dollars and a producer’s job,  I could not ask for a better star, setting, genre, and plot. 

Start with the location:  I can be a sucker for settings.  Place any movie — no matter how mediocre in other respects — in a cool-looking spaceship, or at a polar research lab, or in a submarine, and I’ll drop the remote long enough to watch, at least for a few minutes.  But until Rose came along in 1986, I would not have put a 13th-century Italian monastery into that category.

Director Jean-Jacques Annaud, filming near Rome and in West Germany, cranks up the atmospherics of Rose with catacombs (real), labyrinths (fake), cemeteries, and … what exactly is in that imposing tower (pictured below left), I wonder?

Into this Dark Ages milieu comes one of my favorite movie stars, Sean Connery.  When abbey denizens begin turning up dead, Connery’s monk is forced into the role of Sherlock Holmes, aided by his young protégé (Christian Slater in his first role).  Ancient books — thousands of them — play a pivotal role in the story.

So now I have everything I could ask for:  Connery, a delicious mystery, a focus on rare books and, above all, one really, really cool setting.        Grade:  A-

 

Rose2     Rose3

Director:  Jean-Jacques Annaud  Cast:  Sean Connery, F. Murray Abraham, Michael Lonsdale, Christian Slater, Valentina Vargas  Release:  1986

 

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Where Wild

 

Where the Wild Things Are has everything:  breathtaking Australian scenery, with foaming surf pounding barren cliffsides; magical sets in which miniature worlds come to life; a quirky musical score that fully complements the story’s surreal atmosphere.  Oh, and did I mention it has actors in giant animal suits?

Where the Wild Things Are is certainly not a bad film — if you happen to be nine years old.  I found it excruciating.  I kept glancing at my watch to see when it would end, and I don’t wear a watch.  I might be one of six people in America who has not read Maurice Sendak’s beloved story, but there was nothing in director Spike Jonze’s crashing bore of a film to send me rushing to the bookstore.

I can’t completely trash the movie, because for all I know, it really does hold appeal for the tots in our midst.  But its arty pretentiousness leads me to think that Jonze was targeting adults, as well.  But whatever metaphors or embrace-your-inner-child motivations the filmmakers might have had are lost in this soggy mess, in which the whining “monsters” are more annoying than the young protagonist.

And did I mention there are actors in giant animal suits?  Sheesh.     Grade:  D

 

Director:  Spike Jonze  Cast:  Paul Dano, Forest Whitaker, Mark Ruffalo, Catherine Keener, Catherine O’Hara, Max Records, Lauren Ambrose, James Gandolfini, Chris Cooper  Release:  2009

 

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Did You Hear

 

I recently saw 1947’s The Egg and I on television, and I kept thinking about that old comedy as I watched Did You Hear About the Morgans?, a film that aspires to Egg-like humor, with Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker playing an estranged couple stuck in Wyoming under the witness protection program.  People complain that “they just don’t make movies the way they used to,” but you can’t say Hollywood doesn’t try, and Morgans is a perfect example.

Grant is certainly a better comic actor than Egg’s Fred MacMurray, although Parker is no match for Claudette Colbert.  But Grant and Parker can both handle romantic comedy, and the fish-out-of-water plot device never gets old — does it?  So why doesn’t this material work better in 2010?  I think it’s just a sign of the times. 

Sixty years ago, MacMurray’s flirtation with a neighboring rich lady was amusing, whereas Grant and Parker actually cheating on each other is not.  And it was okay to poke fun at Ma and Pa Kettle in 1947, but laughing at Wyoming “country folk” who own computers and satellite dishes seems forced and condescending today.

Still, Morgans has its share of genuine chuckles.  The movie might not be able to channel Hollywood’s golden age, but it’s fun to watch it try.    Grade:  C

 

Director:  Marc Lawrence  Cast:  Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sam Elliott, Mary Steenburgen, Elizabeth Moss, Michael Kelly, Wilford Brimley  Release:  2009

 

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