The Grouchy Editor

At the end of 7 Days, the handcuffed protagonist is led away from the scene of his crimes by police.  A reporter asks this disturbed doctor if what he’s done brought him any closure.  “No,” the man says.  Does he regret what he’s done?  “No,” he says again.

Those questions are at the heart of this Canadian drama.  What would you do if your eight-year-old daughter was raped, murdered, dumped in a field – and then you managed to kidnap and confine the perpetrator for a whole week?  It’s a difficult question, and the movie gives us answers not just from Dr. Bruno Hamel (Claude Legault), but also from his wife, from a widowed policeman, and from the parents of several other murdered girls.

Director Daniel Grou lets the audience dwell on that sticky question for 105 minutes, and then, as if that moral quandary weren’t depressing enough, we must watch as Dr. Hamel perverts his medical expertise, torturing his captive in graphic, gory, and ingenious ways.

The problem with 7 Days is that it’s three movies in one:  police thriller, family tragedy … and torture porn.  It’s too slow-paced to be particularly suspenseful, too gruesome for serious contemplation, and hey, if it’s the torture you dig, there are some Japanese movies (not to mention the Hostel franchise) that will better suit your needs.

What we’re left with is an interesting misfire that can best be summed up in two words:  unpleasant and depressing.           Grade:  B-

Director:  Daniel Grou  Cast:  Remy Girard, Claude Legault, Fanny Mallette, Martin Dubreuil, Rose-Marie Coallier, Pascale Delhaes  Release:  2010

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Money can’t buy happiness.  There you have it; now you don’t need to watch The Joneses.

There are only so many themes a movie can tackle, so I can’t blame the makers of this David Duchovny-Demi Moore vehicle for adopting a “thou shall not covet” motif, but what you hope for is a fresh spin on an old subject.  Unhappily,  if I had to describe The Joneses in one word, that word would be “flat.”

The movie wants to be a biting satire on shallow consumerism, a paean to old-fashioned values.  Its plot hook must have seemed clever at some point:   A “perfect” family, the Joneses, infiltrates super-rich neighborhoods and proceeds to leverage envy as a means to sell products.  The twist is that this so-called family is bogus — just another product manufactured by corporate America.

But the film falls flat because there are no sympathetic characters.  Duchovny and Moore give it their best shot, but their characters as written are not relatable. Duchovny is robotic and soft, a benevolent ball of smudge.  Moore’s wife/boss, I suppose, represents the fallacy of feminism’s “you can have it all” mentality.   But spare me any modern-woman twaddle about Moore’s character; a bitch is a bitch is a bitch.

Predictably, the fake-family act begins to unravel for the Joneses in the film’s final act, but by then, who cares?  Even Duchovny’s Big Speech to the neighborhood falls flat, and the movie’s ending feels tacked on.  Money might not buy happiness, but it can certainly rent you a better movie than The Joneses.       Grade:  C-

Director:  Derrick Borte  Cast:  Demi Moore, David Duchovny, Amber Heard, Ben Hollingsworth, Gary Cole, Glenne Headly, Lauren Hutton  Release:  2009

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It’s funny how one flaw in a movie can make all the difference between an enjoyable time or an exasperating experience.  Cell 211, a Spanish prison thriller, is absorbing for about 30 minutes – but then a key relationship that does not ring true spoils all the fun.

The movie has a clever premise.  A rookie prison guard has just walked into the joint when all hell breaks loose.  There is a riot, violence and, in the confusion, guard trainee Juan (Alberto Ammann) is mistaken for one of the inmates.  He becomes trapped with hundreds of vicious cons as tense negotiations begin between prison officials and the inmates’ leader, Malamadre (Luis Tosar).

And this is where the movie lost me.  Implausibly, the tough, shrewd Malamadre is so impressed by a couple of seemingly pro-inmate suggestions made by newcomer Juan that the hardened con and the stubble-faced young man quickly become Best Friends Forever.  This plot absurdity turns what might have been a tense thrill ride into a series of “yeah, right” moments.

I don’t generally read a lot of reviews before writing mine, but yesterday I noticed two local scribes with opposite takes on Cell 211.   Said Critic Number One:  “It’s a great, simple premise, and I will be surprised if we don’t get an American remake … this may be one case where a remake is justified.”  Said Critic Number Two:  “I’ll bet you $100 that Hollywood snaps up this property for a glossy, star-studded remake. I’ll bet you $1,000 that this version is better.”

I’m taking the side of Critic Number One.  For once, Hollywood has the opportunity to actually improve on a foreign film.         Grade:  C

Director:  Daniel Monzon  Cast:  Luis Tosar, Alberto Ammann, Antonio Resines, Manuel Moron, Carlos Bardem, Marta Etura  Release:  2009

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