The Grouchy Editor »

20Mar

The Weekly Review: March 13 – 19

Posted in Weekly Reviews | 2 Comments

.

Entertainment Weekly’s story about German auteur Uwe Boll’s latest straight-to-video monstrosity, Blubberella, is the funniest thing I’ve read in months. No, I am not referring to fat jokes. I am referring to the hilarious anecdotes and quotes concerning the oddball Boll. Boll, director of such garbage as BloodRayne and House of the Dead, is evidently battling The Room’s Tommy Wiseau for the title, “Ed Wood of the 21st Century.”

Boll, as Hitler, appears in Blubberella

*****

Moron of the Week Adrian Peterson, above, griped about the players’ relationship with NFL owners: “It’s modern-day slavery, you know? People kind of laugh at that, but there are people working at regular jobs who get treated the same way, too.”

*****

I’ve been watching a lot of television. I have noticed that two kinds of commercials tend to dominate on cable-news channels: erectile dysfunction remedies for men, and weight-loss pitches for women. You don’t suppose the two issues are related?

*****

Thanks to these candid shots of bride-to-be Kate Middleton that are flying around the Internet, I am beginning to understand what His Toothiness, Prince William, sees in her.

*****

I, for one, am ecstatic that Aflac canned comedian Gilbert Gottfried. No more annoying, unfunny duck quacks.

*****

When a tsunami hit Japan the other night, Fox News went to its ace reporter on the scene, Courtney Friel, who just happened to be staying with family in Waikiki. In a stunning display of courageous journalism, Friel, pictured below in happier times, informed viewers that she and her relatives would be moving to higher ground, lest the tsunami get them.

*****

The difference between the far left and the far right?

*****

Quote of the Week: “The little grouchy man that you see on-camera is not what you see off-camera.” — Randy Moss, apparently alluding to Yours Truly.

16Mar

The House of the Devil

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Movies | Leave a comment

Cash-strapped college student Samantha has been hired to “babysit” an elderly woman at an Addams Family-like house in the country. When the creepy married couple that hired her goes out for the evening, having agreed to pay $400 for her service – and having scrutinized her like a bug in a jar – Samantha and “mother” are left alone in the house.

When Samantha (Jocelin Donahue) sits down to listen to her Walkman (this is the 1980s), we know there is someone else in the house, someone neither Samantha nor the audience have yet seen. When a curtain in the living-room corner seems to billow just a bit, was it caused by Samantha’s elderly charge … or by the wind? Is that Samantha’s moving shadow on the wall in an upstairs hallway, or someone else’s? And why is it taking so long for the pizza guy to deliver her medium-sized pepperoni?

Writer-director Ti West says he is a fan of Kubrick and early Polanski films, and it shows in this movie. West’s filmmaking harkens back to the basics: gradual buildup of tension, extended periods when the only things that “happen” are floorboards that creak, faucets that leak, clocks that tick, and shadows that move. It’s amazing how effective these techniques still are; they are as chilling in Devil as they were in Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby or in Kubrick’s The Shining.

The House of the Devil stumbles a bit at its climax, when West abandons atmospheric chills in favor of more conventional horror-movie histrionics. But in an age when most horror fans think that they’ve seen it all, this movie proves that what used to scare us can still do the job. Grade: B+

Director: Ti West Cast: Jocelin Donahue, Tom Noonan, Mary Woronov, Greta Gerwig, AJ Bowen, Dee Wallace, Heather Robb, Brenda Cooney, Danielle Noe Release: 2009

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

14Mar

Free Flick of the Week: “Bringing Up Baby”

Posted in Free Flicks | Leave a comment

I don’t know who “they” are, but when they say Hollywood doesn’t make ’em like it used to, they are usually referring to movies like Bringing Up Baby, a classic screwball comedy starring Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn. Evidently, “they” don’t make YouTube videos like they used to, either, because this version seems to be missing the opening credits. Watch it (most of it, anyway) free by clicking here.

13Mar

Maigret and the Man on the Boulevard

Posted in Books, Books, Movies, TV & Web | Leave a comment

by Georges Simenon

When you plan a whodunit, there are certain unwritten rules you should obey. You should not, for example, make your killer a minor, inconsequential character. You also should not introduce him (or her) very late in the story. If you violate those conventions, you are cheating the reader who is striving to discover “whodunit.” Simenon, famed mystery writer that he is, violates both rules in Maigret and the Man on the Boulevard. That’s a strike against him.

Now that I’ve vented, let me add some praise. Unlike in Agatha Christie stories, Simenon’s characters are three-dimensional, not recurring stereotypes. The protagonist, police detective Maigret, gathers most of his clues through interrogations (much like Christie’s Poirot), but the suspects are gritty, colorful, and memorable – very often street toughs. In short, Simenon is great with character and dialogue, but not so great with plot. At least not in this book.

12Mar

The Weekly Review: March 6 – 12

Posted in Weekly Reviews | Leave a comment

These headlines showed up on the same day. Can’t a baby get some respect?

*****

And so it has come to this for the nation’s downtrodden smokers. Geraldo Rivera’s guest was porn star Kacey Jordan (above), one of Charlie Sheen’s infamous squeezes. Sexy Kacey expressed her disgust over … the secondhand smoke in Sheen’s house.

Yes, even porn stars consider smokers beneath contempt.

*****

Speaking of Charlie Sheen … he has been getting hammered ferociously by certain segments of the media, most notably CNN’s Showbiz Tonight and the magazine Entertainment Weekly. Showbiz Tonight bubble-headed anchors Brooke Anderson and A.J. Hammer (above) and EW’s snotty writers seem to be taking Sheen’s shenanigans personally. I wonder why.

Sheen recently announced that he will sue Warner Brothers for breach of contract over his firing from the sitcom Two and a Half Men. In addition to Warner Brothers, can you guess what else parent company Time Warner owns? You guessed it: Showbiz Tonight and Entertainment Weekly.

*****

Alan Simpson Quote of the Week:

“I think, you know, grandchildren now don’t write a thank-you for the Christmas presents. They’re walking on their pants with their cap on backwards, listening to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, and they don’t like ’em!”

11Mar

Searching for Bobby Fischer (1993)

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Oldies | Leave a comment

We can argue till we’re blue in the face whether chess is a “game” or a “sport,” but maybe we can agree on this: Searching for Bobby Fischer, the 1993 drama about chess prodigy Josh Waitzkin, might be the best movie ever made about … well, let’s call it “competition.”

When the real-life Waitzkin was very young, he was given conflicting advice about how to succeed. “You have a good heart – and that’s the most important thing in the world,” Josh’s mother (Joan Allen) tells him. His chess instructor (Ben Kingsley), on the other hand, tells Josh the secret to what made Fischer the best chess player on Earth: “Bobby Fischer held the world in contempt.”

Writer-director Steven Zaillian’s low-key approach to the universe of chess masters and child competitions yields high humor (especially from misguided parents) and nail-biting drama. Never before, nor since, have scenes involving two people seated at a game board been so deliciously suspenseful.

In the end, young Josh has to make a choice that faces all of us. Should he emulate the explosive Fischer, winning at all costs, developing a “killer instinct” and playing only to succeed? Or did his mom have the best advice?

Turns out Bobby Fischer might not have been worth looking for, after all. Grade: A

Director: Steven Zaillian Cast: Max Pomeranc, Joe Mantegna, Joan Allen, Ben Kingsley, Laurence Fishburne, Michael Nirenberg, David Paymer, Robert Stephens, William H. Macy, Laura Linney Release: 1993

Watch the Trailer (click here)

09Mar

Endgame

Posted in Books, Books, Movies, TV & Web | Leave a comment

by Frank Brady

If you are an undisputed champion in one area of life, does it necessarily follow that you are the master of everything else? That seems to have been Bobby Fischer’s perspective – and downfall.

Brady, who knew the American chess master for most of Fischer’s life, had a tough task in compiling this biography. Fischer wasn’t so much reclusive as he was abusive; cross him once, and he would erase you from his world. That obstacle might explain why, fascinating though Endgame is, it leaves so many unanswered questions. Why did Fischer have no meaningful relationships with women (other than his mother) until late in life? Why was he declared unfit for the draft during Vietnam? Who was his biological father? Brady does capture Fischer’s volatile personality, including painful examples of his many anti-Semitic, anti-American, and anti-Soviet rants – along with other, what might kindly be called “eccentricities.” Mostly, Endgame is a harrowing examination of the demands and pitfalls of celebrity.

08Mar

Free Flick of the Week: “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”

Posted in Free Flicks | Leave a comment

There’s a good reason most vampire movies bear little resemblance to their primary inspiration, the 1897 novel, Dracula. Bram Stoker’s classic story is elegant, atmospheric, and creepy, for sure. But it’s no longer very “scary.” Ditto for this 1992 adaptation from arguably America’s greatest living director, Francis Ford Coppola. The movie is overlong and rarely frightening, but it is gorgeous to look at, and on the eeriness scale it ranks high. Watch it for free by clicking here.

06Mar

The Weekly Review: February 27 – March 5

Posted in Weekly Reviews | Leave a comment

.

Post-Oscar Ruminations

The King’s Speech and The Social Network both purport to be “true stories.” Evidently, those claims are unadulterated bullshit. According to an essay by Christopher Hitchens, the real King George VI was a man who sought to appease Adolf Hitler. The Social Network has a very different agenda: It demonizes wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg, who, judging from what I’ve seen of him in interviews, is actually quite genial.

Oscar voters, presented with the option of voting for one of two truth-spinning biopics, opted for the one that made them feel better.

I won’t bitch (much) about The King’s Speech’s Best Picture award, because it is an entertaining, well-made film.
I will complain about Natalie Portman’s Best Actress triumph. Portman apologists point out that she learned ballet for Black Swan. Big deal. Charlie Sheen learned how to throw a baseball for Major League. That kind of thing is simply part of an actor’s job description. Besides, Portman acknowledged that a stunt double was used for some of her shots. She did, however, perform her own masturbation scene — quite admirably.
James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted a dull and predictable ceremony, but I blame lackluster writing more than the hosts. Ricky Gervais couldn’t salvage some of those lame one-liners.
The hoopla about the Oscars reaching out to a younger demographic? Something must have gone terribly wrong, because the biggest laughs came courtesy of 94-year-old Kirk Douglas and 73-year-old screenwriter David Seidler.
Biggest Oscar snubs: The Ghost Writer, Blue Valentine, and David Fincher’s direction of The Social Network.

*****

Reasons To Hate Charlie Sheen:

1) If you’re female, because he allegedly beats women. 2) If you’re in the media and host a show like CNN’s Showbiz Tonight, because Sheen eliminates the middle man (you) by going straight to the public, which means we don’t really need your show. 3) If you are an arrogant, preening egotist named Dr. Drew Pinsky, because Sheen called you a “clown” on national TV. 4) If you are CBS … well, I’m not sure about CBS.

Reasons To Love Charlie Sheen:

1) He might be crazy, but he is refreshingly honest — I think. 2) He’s a big star, but he’s still managed to paint himself as “the little guy” battling faceless corporate honchos at CBS. 3) He is quotable. Two of my favorites: “Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show … I’d rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a ’75 Pacer.” “I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!”

Sheen could well be in the middle of meltdown, but a lot of what he says rings true — to men, if not women.

28Feb

Free Flick of the Week: “A Boy and His Dog”

Posted in Free Flicks | Leave a comment

Here’s a real oddity from 1975, a science-fiction flick about a punk (Don Johnson) and his telepathic dog struggling for survival in a post-holocaust world. Don’t be fooled by the title; this is no kiddie film. You can read my review of the movie, then watch it for free by clicking here.