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04Feb

The Weekly Review: January 29 – February 4

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Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has been in the news. Why, when I see Panetta, am I reminded of the late, great Ed Wynn?

*****

I was thumbing through Entertainment Weekly when a picture on page 32 caught my eye. “Hmmm,” I thought, “I wonder why this photo of pop star Rihanna catches my eye.” Rihanna looked fetching in fishnet stockings as she performed on stage, but then a lot of celebrities have nice-looking legs — even some female celebrities. So why was I struck by this particular picture? Somehow, it seemed familiar.

I did some detective work. And this is what I found in my recent issues of Entertainment Weekly:

Nov. 25: three pictures of Rihanna in a sexy bikini-thingy and fishnet stockings, featured in the “Must List.” On page 68, Rihanna in shorts and fishnet stockings.

Dec. 16: picture of Rihanna in a leotard and fishnet stockings

Dec. 23: Rihanna in the bikini-thingy and fishnets again. And again on page 120.

Jan. 27: Rihanna in fishnets

Feb. 3: Rihanna in fishnets

Someone at Entertainment Weekly really, really likes Rihanna. Or fishnet stockings.

*****

They say that fashion trends begin in Europe. I’m still waiting for this “topless women protestors” look to catch on over here.

*****

The Super Bowl is tomorrow. For the first time in my adult life, I am seriously considering skipping it. I might just watch the latest episode of Downton Abbey, instead … aw, who am I kidding?

*****

Someone at Urban Financial Group thought it was a good idea to have actor Robert Wagner sell “security” to Americans while standing beside a large body of water. No comment.

01Feb

The Ancient Alien Question

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by Philip Coppens

I’ll admit it, this stuff fascinates me: rocks weighing hundreds of tons that our ancestors were somehow able to move; cryptic references to “gods from the heavens” found in many ancient manuscripts; science’s acknowledgment that there is likely life out there in the universe. So when I pick up a book like Coppens’s The Ancient Alien Question, I try to have an open mind. But then ….

There are so many problems with this book. For starters, it should be called The English Language Question. I don’t know if it was poorly translated, edited, or written, but much of it is incomprehensible, crammed with irrelevant (at least to the layman) details about disputes within the scientific community, or dull minutiae, such as the components of old cement. Coppens’s favorite adverb is “clearly,” but there is very little I’d consider “clear” about many of his conclusions.

Consider this example: On page 202, Coppens cites “evidence” that nuclear technology existed in ancient India by quoting an expert named Francis Taylor. On the following page, Coppens writes this: “The first question is whether the named archaeologist Francis Taylor existed. Alas, no one has ever been able to identify him.” In an attempt to confer an air of impartiality and credibility to the author, the publisher’s blurb claims that Coppens is “labeled a skeptic by the believers, and a believer by the skeptics.” Don’t buy it: The man is “clearly” a believer.

It’s too bad this book is such a mess, because there are a lot of mysteries from antiquity, and it seems unlikely that humans could have accomplished some of their amazing feats without help – from someone or something. There must be better books on this subject. Clearly.

30Jan

Free Flick of the Week: “The Train”

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“A top-rate WWII thriller.” “A wholly persuasive, intelligent thriller.” “A landmark picture.” “Classic Frankenheimer WWII actioner with a unique plot.” Yes, you guessed it, I haven’t seen the movie and I am cribbing critical blurbs from Rotten Tomatoes. But they all seem to like it, don’t they? Click here to watch Burt Lancaster in The Train.

p.s. Leonard Maltin says it’s “high-powered excitement all the way.”

29Jan

The Weekly Review: January 22 – 28

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The Oscars are an annual joke — but an entertaining joke. Every year, through sheer luck, the academy manages to nominate some worthy contenders. But mostly it’s a popularity contest worth watching only to giggle at celebrities who are dressed up, nervous, and wearing pasted-on smiles.

Can you tell that I am bitter that Melancholia was shut out of the nominations?

*****

CNN’s Erin Burnett has a tendency to speak first, think later. This can be irritating to watch, but at times it’s refreshing, as when Burnett told lawyer Marc Bern that his attempt to rake in $450 million in punitive damages for six passengers on the ill-fated Carnival cruise ship is “obscene,” and the kind of lawsuit that calls for tort reform.

Burnett was right. I’m sorry that you fell off a ship and had to be rescued, but that should not entitle you to live like Bill Gates for the rest of your life.

*****

It was a downer to witness the media devour one of its own — CNN’s John King — after Newt Gingrich used King to deflect attention from his own political problems during last week’s Republican debate. King asked a relevant question (about Gingrich’s former marriage) on a topic that was in the headlines. Blowhard Newt then feigned “outrage” at King’s temerity. Worse, the media, including King’s colleagues at CNN, then smelled blood and ratings and failed to defend him.

*****

I’m guessing that this ad will not be used as a recruiting tool by America’s creative writing classes:

28Jan

One for the Money

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Movies | 1 Comment

I’m not sure if this is a boast or a confession, but I have read almost all of Janet Evanovich’s “Stephanie Plum” books. Ten years ago, I would have been proud of that statement, but in recent years, as the quality of the series has declined, well, not so much.

When it was announced that Hollywood was going to produce a movie based on the first book in the Plum series (there are 18 now, plus a few novellas), One for the Money, fans of the franchise should have had two concerns: Would the actress playing bumbling Stephanie, the heart and soul of the books, capture her goofy charisma? And would the film do justice to the screwball comic tone of the novels?

The answer to the first question is “not to worry.” Katherine Heigl, who has a talent for choosing lousy scripts, nails the big three musts for an actress playing Stephanie: She’s the right mix of klutz, good girl, and sex kitten as the Trenton, New Jersey broad who, because of mounting bills and a hungry pet hamster, reluctantly takes a job as a bounty hunter.

Alas, the answer to the second question is, “not so much.” As directed by Julie Anne Robinson, One for the Money is a curiously flat film. There is a scene involving Stephanie and an FTA (“failure to appear” at court), an elderly exhibitionist, that should be hilarious. Instead the sequence, in which Steph transports the wrinkly geezer and his “twig and berries” to police headquarters, is just … peculiar.

The film’s climax, involving dead bodies, gunplay, and the unmasking of a villain, is similarly lifeless. In a movie like this, everything needs to click. It requires pacing and it requires chemistry. It needs to be more like Charade.

The supporting players (of vital importance to fans of the books) range from good enough to “what was the casting director thinking?” Debbie Reynolds, as Grandma Mazur, is OK but no more than that. Lula should have been played by Gabourey Sidibe. Vinnie should have been played by Danny DeVito. The movie should have been better. Grade: C-

Director: Julie Anne Robinson Cast: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara, Daniel Sunjata, John Leguizamo, Sherri Shepherd, Debbie Reynolds, Debra Monk, Nate Mooney, Adam Paul, Ana Reeder Release: 2012

Watch Trailers (click here)

26Jan

Stiffed

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by Susan Faludi

As I read Susan Faludi’s (Backlash) depressing opus about the “crisis” in American manhood, I kept changing my opinion of its author. At times I wanted to laud Faludi for her insightful reporting – and sometimes I wanted to throttle her for general cluelessness. As a former journalist, I appreciate the sheer amount of legwork that went into her book. She interviewed scores of men, from construction workers to porn stars, and much of her analysis is thoughtful. But occasionally Faludi adopts the tone of a victor perched atop the pedestal of feminism, sitting subtly and condescendingly in judgment of pitiful males.

Random thoughts:

Faludi’s conclusion is that most American men are unhappy (and resistant to feminism) because their fathers – those heroes of World War II and members of the “greatest generation” – were cold, distant, and silent parents, providing little or no guidance to boys growing up in a consumer culture that rewards image over true worth. I’m sure there is some truth to this theory. But what about all of the mothers – do they make no impact on their sons? Other than in passing, Faludi makes no mention of the mothers.
Feminism, like motherhood, gets a pass from Faludi as a contributing factor to modern male distress. Men who criticize any aspect of the women’s movement are unreasonable, delusional, or scapegoating. Yet I was struck by this assessment of feminism by one of the men Faludi interviewed: “It doesn’t seem to have made anyone very happy.”
I’m not convinced that the average American male is quite as tormented as Faludi would have us believe. But a 600-page volume of interviews with men who are generally content would be an awfully dull read.
Faludi’s final words of advice to men who are unhappy or confused by our Brave New World? “Wage a battle against no enemy.” Great. That helps.

23Jan

Free Flick of the Week: “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead”

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If you can make it past the opening scene of this drama, in which stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Marisa Tomei do their best to convince us that we are watching a hardcore sex film, you’ll discover that the late, great Sidney Lumet still had his magic at the ripe old age of 82. However, if you are like me, you’d prefer not to think about the octogenarian director barking instructions to his actors in that opening scene. Click here to watch it for free.

21Jan

The Weekly Review: January 15 – 21

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Such a pretty girl. I wonder who she is.

*****

Golden Globes Musings

Host Ricky Gervais was too tame. He lied when he said he would continue last year’s hilarious smackdown of Hollywood’s snobbish elite.

*

Johnny Depp’s fake voice is grating. I don’t recall him having that affected accent back in his Private Resort days.

*

Jodie Foster was a good sport during Gervais’s Beaver jokes. Too many actors take themselves way too seriously. For proof of that, just listen to almost any actor’s commentary on DVD extras.

*****

Asshole of the Week: Michael Roizen

Dr. Michael Roizen of the Cleveland Clinic, speaking on CNN: “The thing that we can do most to improve job competitiveness, to lower the budget deficit, is to ban smoking among state workers or ban smoking — not hire — federal workers who smoke. That single thing would do the most to make America more competitive for jobs.”

What an obnoxious prick. Ban smoking and you’ll lose millions of tax dollars, Roizen. And since when is some doctor in Cleveland the go-to-guy for economic policy? If you are so concerned about “competitiveness,” then you’d better also promote job discrimination against people who drink, and people who are fat. Of course if you do that, in no time at all you won’t have anyone left to hire.

*****

Jon Huntsman “suspends” his candidacy. Herman Cain “suspends” his candidacy. Rick Perry “suspends” his candidacy. The suspends is killing me. This is why people hate politicians. They refuse to use plain English, even when they simply quit.

But it was a great week in politics, watching all of those Republicans implode. It was especially gratifying to watch Mitt Romney squirm as he tried to tell ordinary Americans why they should vote for Richie Rich.

*****

We keep hearing about “saving the women and children” on that capsized cruise ship in Italy. Are we back in 1912, talking about the Titanic? Save the children, sure, but why the women? Does equality of the sexes only apply when it works in the woman’s favor?

*****

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton announced that, as part of his efforts to encourage diversity in the workplace, surgeons have successfully completed the first head-of-state transplant. Dayton’s head will share executive decision-making with this Asian man’s head.

*****

The Huffington Post on Friday forgot to add captions to these pictures, so we took the liberty.

Before After

19Jan

Sleeping Beauty

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I like my movies odd, and I like my movies sexy. In general, when I review an odd, sexy movie, I want to be kind because I don’t want filmmakers to stop producing them. But there is a limit to my tolerance, and freshman director Julia Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty is too long on odd, too short on sexy.

Beauty is about a young woman named Lucy (Emily Browning) who is psychologically damaged. In fact, everyone Lucy encounters — an old boyfriend, her co-workers at a temp job, the landlords with whom she lives — is damaged in one way or another, and is either hostile, bitter, or emotionally impenetrable. So Lucy, who is nothing if not experimental, takes a new job as a living blow-up doll for rich old men to play with (but never to “penetrate,” as we are constantly reminded by the madam of the high-end brothel where Lucy goes to work).

Leigh’s movie is basically a 100-minute peep show in which we spy on Lucy and her peculiar acquaintances. It’s also an Australian production with French art-film pretensions. When someone pours a glass of tea or wipes down a tabletop, Leigh’s camera lingers portentously. There is much unspoken angst in the film — but not to worry, because all of that somber silence is soon interrupted by kinky sex.

If I didn’t know better (actually, I don’t), I’d wager that Sleeping Beauty was financed by a committee of dirty old men, several of whom had it in their contracts that they got to appear in scenes with the fetching Ms. Browning. How else to explain numerous scenes in which these geezers, their twigs-and-berries on full display, spoon with the naked and unconscious girl, or mount her (drugged) body, or recklessly toss her onto the floor?

This movie is promoted as an “erotic drama,” but while watching it I found myself empathizing with one of Lucy’s customers, who complains: “The only way I can get a hard-on these days is if I swallow a truckload of Viagra.” Grade: C-

Director: Julia Leigh Cast: Emily Browning, Rachael Blake, Ewen Leslie, Peter Carroll, Chris Haywood, Hugh Keays-Byrne, Bridgette Barrett, Hannah Bella Bowden, Les Chantery Release: 2011

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

16Jan

Free Flick of the Week: “Midnight Express”

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In 1975, Steven Spielberg released Jaws and taught us not to go swimming in the ocean. Three years later, director Alan Parker and screenwriter Oliver Stone released this movie and taught us never to bring drugs on board an airplane – at least not in Turkey. Watch Midnight Express by clicking here.