Grace5

 

“They go straight back home, they make a beeline back to the apartment, back to the home for more anal sex.  You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.”

 

That’s a quote from Nancy Grace, who has been taking a keen interest in the trial of Jodi Arias for the murder of her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander.  Trial watching has also been a welcome opportunity for Nancy and BFF Casey to enjoy some long-overdue bonding (above). 

Photoshop, you ask?  Certainly not.  We aren’t professional graphic artists here at The Grouchy Editor, so if ever we did attempt to alter a photograph, you would most likely be able to tell.

 

*****

 

Skeet

 

I guess this demand from the right for a picture of Obama shooting a gun (above) is some sort of manhood test.  OK, but it seems only fair then that we all get to enjoy this manly photo of George Bush from back in his cheerleader days:

 

Bush

 

*****

 

Rachel2

 

I realize that we can’t all be fashion models, and I love casual Fridays as much as the next guy, but geez Rachel, what is this?  “Hobo chic”?

 

*****

 

More proofreading woes at The Huffington Post:



Story

 

*****

 

“We interrupt this week’s coverage of nutcase Jodi Arias’s murder trial to bring you coverage of rogue nutcase Christopher Dorner, an ex-cop on a murderous rampage in California.”

I understand the hand-wringing over our tendency to treat hard news as “infotainment,” but good grief, is there no end to these outrageous diversions?  Guess I should ask Nancy and Casey.

 

*****

                                                

Block2

 

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 by Gillian Flynn

Gone

 

Did smirking Nick Dunne kill his gorgeous, albeit pampered, young wife?  As I read for clues, the plot twists kept coming but I persevered … persevered … persevered – stop.  Alas, about two thirds into the story, Gone Girl lost me.

Flynn’s mindbender is peppered with clever asides about marriage, co-dependence, and the perils of marrying a sociopath, but it’s also decidedly lacking in sympathetic characters; if her people aren’t flat-out crazy, then they’re something conceivably worse: relentlessly cynical.  But we all love a good villain, and the cat-and-mouse shenanigans between the less-than-perfect Dunnes are often delicious (imagine Nick and Nora Charles with homicidal streaks).  The problem here is plot:  There are simply too many “yeah, right” moments.

 

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Arias      Grace4

 

“I know more about Jodi Arias’s — let me just say rear end, for a better word — than I ever dreamed I would know.  That’s not exactly why I went to law school.”

— Nancy Grace, not fooling any of us

 

*****

 

US-DIPLOMACY-CLINTON-TOWN HALL       Jindal

 

Term that needs to be abolished:  “rock star” — unless it refers to an actual, honest-to-goodness musician.

Hillary Clinton, love her or hate her, is often referred to as a Democratic “rock star.”  Hillary is many things, but she is certainly not a rock star.  She is an aging, heavyset politician who wears pantsuits and glasses — the very antithesis of “rock star.”  Likewise, that scrawny geek from Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, is no one’s idea of a “rock star.”

 

*****

 

As long as we’re banning things, let’s ban the Super Bowl party.  If you are a genuine football fan, it’s next to impossible to watch the actual game during these parties because there are “casual fans” in attendance, blocking the TV screen, paying attention only to commercials, and making non-football-related conversation.  Who needs that?

 

*****

 

      Munster    Eddie Munster haircut, circa 1964

      Napolitano    Eddie Munster haircut, circa 2013

 

*****

 

Kayak

 

Lord knows I bitch enough about annoying commercials, so it’s only fair that I praise a — stop the presses! — good one, on the rare occasion that one comes along.   This Kayak spot is funny.  Of course, I won’t feel that way after I’ve seen it 1,400 times.

It’s impossible to escape awful commercials.  Not if you expect to watch television.  But you can at least pick your poison.  If you want to avoid the cloying appeals of retired celebrities like Henry Winkler, Fred Thompson, or William Devane, who all strive to convince us that they are just like us, just regular folk, you must steer clear of cable-news channels.  Likewise, if you can’t stomach one more acne-cream ad, say goodbye to MTV.

 

*****

 

Fly

 

This attraction Obama has for flies at press conferences is beginning to go beyond bizarre.  Perhaps he needs acne cream.

 

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Art

 

Art School Confidential     Quirkiness has done well for Terry Zwigoff, the creator of off-the-wall gems like Ghost World and Crumb.  Zwigoff’s Art School is certainly peculiar, blending youth romance with satire about what constitutes “art.”  And oh, yes:  There is a subplot about a vicious serial killer terrorizing the school campus.  Hey, I did mention that Zwigoff is into quirky.  But despite funny supporting work from John Malkovich and Jim Broadbent, this time Zwigoff falls flat.  Art School is often slow and it’s hampered by a dullish Max Minghella as the young hero.  Release:  2006  Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Safety

 

Safety Not Guaranteed tries hard to be a lovable fantasy-romance, but male lead Mark Duplass, as an eccentric who claims to know the secret of time travel, comes off stiff and childish.  There are also some jarring shifts in tone — it’s difficult to sustain whimsy when your quirky comedy suddenly morphs into an armed-heist thriller — but doe-eyed Aubrey Plaza is disarming as a kooky “emo girl,” a magazine intern sent to investigate oddball Duplass.  Release:  2012  Grade:  C+

 

*****


Lawrence3

 

House at the End of the Street     Until it gets stupid, stupider, and stupidest in its last act, during which every horror-flick cliché ever clichéd comes into play, House is a decent enough thriller.  But not even Jennifer Lawrence — smack in the midst of Major Movie-Star Momentum — can rescue that silly third act.  Lawrence, playing a typical teen who moves with her mom to a house with some atypical neighbors, at least doesn’t embarrass herself.  Release:  2012  Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Aztec

 

The Aztec Box    What hath the Blair Witch wrought?  Aztec is yet another low-budget, found-footage horror flick, this time involving the unearthing of a cursed Mexican artifact.  I say “low-budget,” but that’s not really the problem here.  The problem is a run-time that’s about 20 minutes too long, much of it inane home-movie footage that really should have remained lost.  Release:  2013  Grade:  D

 

*****

 

Fog

 

The Fog of War: Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara    You might not agree with all of McNamara’s “lessons,” but this mix of archival footage and interviews with the former Secretary of Defense could be one of the best films about war — and the all-too-human leaders who wage them — ever made.  McNamara is alternately brash and humble as he chronicles his uniquely American life, culminating with his years as advisor to two presidents during the hellish Vietnam War.  Release:  2003  Grade:  A

 

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Welker

 

Football wife Anna Welker, above, had some choice Facebook words for Baltimore’s Ray Lewis, who in the past has had some well-publicized legal problems.  I had never heard of Anna Welker, so I Googled her.  I have a hunch that the German woman pictured below, also named Anna Welker, is surprised by the sudden popularity of her online job profile.

 

Welker2

 

Expect CBS broadcasters Jim Nantz and Phil Simms to kiss Lewis’s ass during the Super Bowl, and say little or nothing about his messy past (below).  That’s apparently Anna Welker’s job – the American Anna Welker, that is.

 

RayLewis

 

 *****

 

Catfish6

 

Thanks to the Manti Te’o hullaballoo, I’ve been watching MTV’s Catfish, which documents similar online deceptions.  MTV should consider changing the name of this show to:  Fat Youth Lying to Get Dates.

Catfish second banana Max Joseph (above left) shared an opinion that got my goat:  “Saying you don’t have a cell phone is like saying you don’t wear pants!”

I don’t have a cell phone, and I might or might not be wearing pants – got a problem with that, Junior?

 

                                                 *****

 

Michelle2

 

Fashion Update!

CNN “fashion czar” Alina Cho was giddy over the way designer Jason Wu dolled up Michelle Obama (above) for inauguration festivities.  Gushed Alina, “Another thing he [Wu] said, you know what? ‘After four years in office I thought the country was ready to see a confident First Lady in red’ – which I think is extraordinary.” 

Good point, Alina, because until last week the nation most likely preferred a cowering, timid First Lady in red.

 

                                                 *****

 

43

 

The reviews are in for Movie 43, and they ain’t pretty.  Here is a sample from Moviefone:

“The first section, with Jackman (playing a man who has testicles hanging off his chin) and Winslet, was shot FOUR YEARS AGO.  Even after people said yes, they didn’t want to be in this thing.”

The “thing” is getting universally trashed by critics, and yet … I don’t know about you, but any movie that has Hugh Jackman with testicles hanging off his chin sounds like a must-see to me.

 

*****

 

Proof

 

The Huffington Post should really consider hiring a few proofreaders.

 

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by Mark Owen and Kevin Maurer

Easy2

 

“In all of my deployments, we routinely saw this phenomenon.  The higher up the food chain the targeted individual was, the bigger a pussy he was.  The leaders were less willing to fight.  It is always the young and impressionable who strap on the explosives and blow themselves up.”  Those words are from “Mark Owen,” co-author of No Easy Day and one of the Navy SEALs responsible for killing Osama bin Laden.

The book is a compelling look at the day-to-day life of an elite SEAL, and I’m sure it’s a great recruitment tool for the military.  However … if only Owen had left it at that.  Owen (a pseudonym), who claims that he and his fellow SEALs don’t much concern themselves with politics, does little to hide his disdain for Barack Obama, and presumably liberals in general – yet has nothing to say about the “young and impressionable” Americans who died in the bogus war begun by Obama’s predecessor.

 

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 Dumb Jocks

                                

Ugh

 

I’m tired of Lance Armstrong and I’m tired of Oprah.  The former is just the latest in a string of arrogant jerks from Texas, and the latter is a gigantic, unctuous blob of fat.

In her interview with Armstrong (above), Oprah had a lot of “yes” or “no” questions for the middle-aged man who rides bicycles for a living.  I have one for Oprah:  “Yes or no, you had four pumpkin pies for dessert last night, didn’t you?”  As for the sociopath who sat across from her, it’s not a genuine “apology” if you expect something in return, and this pompous ass clearly wants something in return.

 

Much more entertaining is the loopy story of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o (below) and his enigmatic “girlfriend.”  This ongoing scandal is delicious because the only damage being done is to the overstuffed egos of monomaniacal coaches, idolized jocks, and lazy sportswriters.

 

Linebacker

 

Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick (below) getting misty-eyed at his press conference about the Te’o controversy?  Priceless.

 

Notre Dame Conference Expansion Football

 

*****

 

Thomas2

 

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” — That’s an aphorism attributed to any number of historical figures, and a piece of advice rigidly adhered to by Clarence Thomas (above) until Monday when, for the first time in nearly seven years, the Supreme Court justice opened his mouth in court and said … something. We’re still not sure just what.

 

*****

 

“The governor is the master of the one-liner.”Fox & Friends doofus Steve Doocy, gushing about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  That’s because if a movie script assigns more than one line to Arnold, he’s in over his head.

 

*****

 

Bigelow1

 

Kathryn Bigelow (above) attracts controversy the way Honey Boo Boo attracts chiggers.  Three years ago, Bigelow won Best Director for The Hurt Locker, an OK movie that I’ve already forgotten.  This year, she got snubbed for her efforts on Zero Dark Thirty.  I suspect Bigelow won for Locker because she is female, and Academy voters felt guilty about having never awarded a directing Oscar to a woman.  I also suspect she got penalized this year because she doesn’t condemn torture in Zero.

 

*****

 

When posting pictures of the enemy, media outlets tend to select less-than-flattering images.  And so we have The Huffington Post running this shot of NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre.

 

Wayne LaPierre Jr.

 

 

*****

 

Dave

 

Jennifer Lawrence discussed “anal leakage” with David Letterman, above.  I’m not sure that Jimmy Kimmel will ever top that.

 

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by Charles Dickens

Copper

 

They say that people don’t read books anymore, and they say that the few who do, don’t read long books.  Especially long, old books.  So I suppose there isn’t much of an audience these days for novels like David Copperfield, Dickens’s 729-page coming-of-age classic, and that’s a shame, because books might not get any better than this.

Unlike Tolstoy (the endless battle scenes in War and Peace), and Hugo (an interminable description of the Paris sewer system in Les Miserables), Dickens avoids bloat in Copperfield.  It’s not “perfect” – Dickens’s affection for some characters borders on sappiness, and a few of his plot coincidences stretch credulity – but in the two categories that matter most, strong characters and story, I’m not sure that it can be topped.

Wait, I take that back.  There was a little book called Great Expectations ….

 

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Buckwild

 

Why Some People Question the “Reality” of Reality TV

 

“We have to keep this quiet.” — girl to boy she is kissing … while television cameras film their “private” moment on the premiere of MTV’s Buckwild (cast pictured above).

 

Downton Abbey (below) is back, and that’s prompted lots of critical essays about why viewers are attracted to this stuffy-but-entertaining series.  Here is my theory:  It’s the anti-Buckwild.

 

Downton9

 

*****

 

RIP    

 

Attentive readers might have noticed that there was no “Free Flick of the Week” on Monday.

We’re closing the balcony on free movies for several reasons:  1)  It’s become a pain to locate no-fee films worth watching, because many previously free movies have been gobbled up by Amazon, Hulu Plus, et al, and saddled with viewing fees; 2)  Ad-free films, once commonplace on the Web, are increasingly rare; 3) Does anyone really need help finding movies on the Internet?  Nah, we didn’t think so.  So rest in peace, “Free Flicks of the Week.”

 

*****

 

Quotes:

 

“Here’s a tip:  If you know someone heavily into sadism, avoid them.  Avoid them; there is something wrong.” — Bill O’Reilly advising his audience to shun moviegoers who patronize slasher fare like Texas Chainsaw 3D.  Good advice, Bill.  That’s my attitude toward most conservatives who watch your show.  I avoid them, because there is something wrong.

 

“Are we living in a Women’s Studies class?” — Tom Shillue on Red Eye, expressing his outrage over feminist outrage over Brent Musburger’s outrageous comments about the precious wallflower pictured below.

 

Webb

 

“I think you’d probably win in the Supreme Court on that.  But I don’t think anyone can predict for sure.” — Jeffrey Toobin, wisely hedging his bets on Piers Morgan Tonight.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Jeffrey might have recently made a bad prediction.  About, for example, the Supreme Court and health care.

 

“We’re living in tough economic times that make people irrational about security ….  There’s a lot of fear in this country.  And a lot of it is fear of the future and fear of unemployment.” — Arianna Huffington, who contributes to the well-being and security of writers on her Web site by paying them … nothing.

 

LaPook

 

“Any sleep medication has the potential to cause drowsiness, and people really need to think about this.” — Jon LaPook (above) on the CBS Evening News, taking “stating the obvious” to new heights.  Or is it new lows?

 

“I wouldn’t tell Jesus anything.  I would ask a few questions, and then listen to him.” — O’Reilly again, explaining to a viewer how he would conduct himself at dinner with the Messiah.  I don’t believe a word of it.  O’Reilly would listen briefly, then interrupt Jesus and begin yelling at him.

 

*****

 

The scariest part of American Horror Story?  This face, which appears in a flash during the opening credits:

 

Hag1

Hag2

 

*****

 

I complained to the manager at my neighborhood supermarket because I had to walk past this picture at the magazine rack.  If stores have to hide cigarettes, they should certainly be required to hide this sort of thing.

 

Kimmel2

 

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Comply1

 

I am a cop.  You are not, and I’ve just ordered you to do something distasteful.  Will you do it?  You might say, “Of course not” — but there are scientific studies proving that, more likely than not, you will.

That’s the moral dilemma faced by several characters in Compliance, writer-director Craig Zobel’s squirm-inducing drama based on a series of real-life telephone hoaxes perpetrated in the early 2000s.  On paper (see sidebar below), what happened to employees of a rural McDonald’s outlet stretches credulity.  It’s to Zobel’s credit that, after watching his dramatization of the incident, the behavior of several unfortunate fast-food workers doesn’t seem that far-fetched.

A summary:  A man calls the restaurant and, claiming to be a police officer, asks to speak to the manager.  The “cop” informs her that one of her employees is accused of stealing from a customer.  Police, this man says, are at the moment short-handed, and would the manger mind helping them out?  Would she please begin by strip-searching the female employee?

 

Comply2

 

Ridiculous, you say.  Even should the manager acquiesce to this absurd request, certainly the young girl would have none of it.  Ah, but you are not an 18-year-old girl from the sticks of Kentucky (Ohio in the movie), needful of your job, intimidated by police, and conditioned — as most of us are — to respect authority.  The stressed-out manager succumbs, the fearful girl succumbs and, once the manager’s middle-aged fiancé enters the picture, a relatively harmless prank escalates to sexual assault.

I have no idea how true-to-life the proceedings are in Compliance, but Zobel’s step-by-step direction and some superb acting by Ann Dowd, as the manager, make the outrageous seem plausible.  That is, plausible until the sex assault.  The motivations of both parties to that event are … curious, at least to me.

Zobel claims that his film is a composite of scores of similar telephone hoaxes that plagued the Midwest 10 years ago, but the plot of Compliance adheres closely to the recorded facts of the Kentucky incident.  Not so the ending, in which it’s implied that the bad guy gets caught.  In reality, the primary suspect in the hoax was acquitted of all charges.         Grade:  B+

 

Comply3  Comply4

 

Director:  Craig Zobel  Cast:  Ann Dowd, Dreama Walker, Pat Healy, Bill Camp, Philip Ettinger, James McCaffrey, Matt Servitto, Ashlie Atkinson  Release:  2012

 

Comply5

 

                                                  Watch the Trailer (click here)

 

Comply6

 

*****

 

Comply7 

Above:  Ogborn and Nix during the assault, from security video.

 

Never mind those stories you hear about “stranger danger” on the Internet; one of the most successful scams of the early 2000s involved nothing more than that relic of low-tech communication, the humble telephone.

On April 9, 2004, someone claiming to be a police officer called McDonald’s assistant manager Donna Summers.  Using a combination of guile and homework (the caller knew the actual name of Summers’s regional manager), the fake cop spun a tale of customer theft and asked Summers to strip search employee Louise Ogborn, who was then 18.  Later (the incident went on for several hours), Summers’s fiancé, Walter Nix, continued to follow “officer Scott’s” instructions — including a spanking of the naked girl and the coercion of oral sex from her.  Eventually, employees grew suspicious and contacted the real police.

Nix went to prison and Ogborn successfully sued McDonald’s.  But “officer Scott” was never found.  Said a (genuine) police detective assigned to the case:  “There was a lot of things, in my mind, that I think they [Summers and Nix] could have done — and I don’t understand why they didn’t do them.”

 

Comply8

Above:  Nix, at left, and Ogborn leaving court.

 

Comply9

 

Below, part of the actual security video:

 

 

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