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15Jun

The Weekly Review: June 9 – 15

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Got to love The Huffington Post’s comments area, because sometimes you just feel the need to mess with people:

*****

I keep reading that we are living in “the golden age of television.” That’s only half true. I’d say we live in “the age of television.” Now that there are 10,000 channels and 987,000 shows, there is of course more great TV than ever — and more crap TV, as well.

*****

The Ed Snowden hullaballoo (that’s Ed’s high school mug, above) reminds us that there is not just one, but two groups of Americans that are relegated to second-class citizenship: high school dropouts, and smokers.

After all, we never read about non-smoking college graduates committing crimes … do we?

*****

My local news channel has been weirding me out. WCCO has a husband-wife anchor team, Frank and Amelia, but lately the station has been dispatching Frank (above left) on overnight road trips with the weatherman (above right). The two men then issue reports from resorts and other vacation hot spots as Amelia listens passively back at the anchor desk.

Said the weather dude: “Amelia, don’t get jealous, but at 10 o’clock I’m gonna take your husband to the Stardust Drive-In. We’re gonna have a good time there.”

*****

Annoying Terms that Need to Go:

“indie darling” — sounds like something Eva Gabor might say to Harrison Ford

“an unapologetically raunchy film” — just once, I would love to read about an “apologetically raunchy film” (see this week’s Entertainment Weekly, page 7)

“oftentimes” — what’s a synonym for “often”? How about “frequently”? Would you ever say, “frequently times”? Of course not. Just say “often,” dammit.

*****

Star of the Week

The humble ice cube (pictured above). It’s one of the few things in life that you can make for free, and it rarely disappoints.

08Jun

The Weekly Review: June 2 – 8

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Here’s Looking at You, Kid

They are watching you.

They’re not watching me, because I don’t own or use a cell phone. I suppose they could be monitoring grouchyeditor.com, but if that were the case, we probably would have noticed something peculiar b

*****

Conspiracy theorists like Jesse Ventura must be having an “I told you so” week, what with all of the breaking news about government snooping into our phone records, e-mails, and hair appointments. President Obama says he “welcomes the debate” over all of these sneaky programs, but if that was the case, why didn’t he begin the debate before the spying was leaked?

Meanwhile, Jesse is back, and Jesse is mad as hell. He is suing the widow of Chris Kyle, whom Jesse feels defamed him in a book, and he is angry at New York’s Michael Bloomberg for comments the mayor made about medical marijuana.

“Mayor Bloomberg can kiss my ass.” — Ventura on Joy Behar’s show

Bill O’Reilly heard about the defamation lawsuit and took an interest in Jesse’s manhood:

“I feel that if he [Ventura] really wants to be a man, he drops the case. If he really wants to be a man, you know?”

No word on what the Nanny Mayor thinks about all of this.

*****

In yet more girlie-man news, Michael Douglas announced that cunnilingus gave him cancer. So, I guess now we know why Michael chose to explore the gay lifestyle in his recent role as Liberace.

08Jun

Hemlock Grove

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Hemlock Grove, an original Netflix series, is one weird-ass creative splash, and I loved every minute of it. Let me rephrase that: Hemlock Grove, an original Netflix series, is an acquired taste and a bit of a disappointment.

Sigh. I hate reviewing shows like this one.

The plot: Based on a novel by Brian McGreevy, Grove tells the tale of two high school boys, one a werewolf and the other a … something, who team up to hunt down a “vargulf,” a renegade lycanthrope (werewolf) that is killing young girls in the titular burg, which is located somewhere in Pennsylvania. During the course of the Hardy Boys from Hell investigation, we meet strange townsfolk and strange, to put it mildly, relatives of the two boys (Bill Skarsgard and Landon Liboiron).

What I Liked:

1) The 13-episode series has a great look. It was filmed in Ontario but reeks of rust-belt America … except when it doesn’t, such as the presence of a glass skyscraper, the “White Tower,” that looms incongruously over everything else in the otherwise smallish town.

2) Some of the performances are a hoot. Famke Janssen, as the mother of one of the intrepid boy heroes, overacts in a role that cries out for overacting. As Olivia Godfrey, Janssen slinks, drinks, and purrs like an aristocratic Morticia Addams, manipulating everyone in her orbit with an accent that sounds part British and part, oh, I don’t know — Transylvanian? Also mugging shamelessly is wild-eyed Joel de la Fuente as the town’s resident mad scientist.

3) The plot keeps you guessing. One problem with monster mythology is that it often leaves the screenwriter with two unappealing options: Bore the audience by explaining everything (e.g., lycanthropes, upirs, and vargulfs), or leave the weirdness unexplained and risk putting the viewer into a head-scratching funk. Hemlock Grove leaves a lot unexplained, which is sometimes frustrating, but more often just a tease.

4) There are lots of random, what-the-hell moments. The female representative of law and order is not the usual cop or FBI agent; she hails from Fish & Wildlife Services, of all places. And then there is that ominous skyscraper, home of biotech shenanigans as it towers over the high school, a country store, and beer joints, looking as out of place as a nuclear reactor in Mayberry.

What You Might Not Like:

If you go into Hemlock Grove expecting logic, you won’t make it past episode two. Perhaps all of the supernatural mumbo jumbo is better explained in McGreevy’s novel, but for series viewing, I advise switching off one segment of your brain and just soaking it all in. Or not. I hate reviewing shows like this one. Grade: B

Cast: Famke Janssen, Lili Taylor, Bill Skarsgard, Landon Liboiron, Penelope Mitchell, Freya Tingley, Dougray Scott, Joel de la Fuente, Aaron Douglas, Nicole Boivin, Kandyse McClure, Emily Piggford, Kaniehtiio Horn Premiere: 2013

Watch Trailer and Clip (click here)

04Jun

A Game of Thrones

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by George R. R. Martin

I don’t poke my nose into fantasy literature very often but, when I do, it’s generally a positive experience. J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books are enchanting, and T. H. White’s The Once and Future King gobsmacked me with its brilliant take on the legend of King Arthur.

George R. R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones isn’t quite in the same league as Potter and King, but I admire Martin’s ambition. Creating a huge cast of characters and detailed description (too detailed at times; must we learn the name, lineage, and attire of every knight, peasant, and maiden in the story?), Martin unveils “Westeros,” a mythical land bearing a strong resemblance to medieval England, and one in which warring clans battle for control of its Seven Kingdoms. It’s a (mostly) believable world, but it never really captivated me the way the Potter series did, and it lacks the charm of The Once and Future King. It is not, however, short on graphic sex and violence.

Thrones is a long book, the first in a planned series of seven volumes. This might be one of those rare instances where you are better off watching the TV version on HBO, rather than investing weeks, or months, of your life on this massive written opus.

03Jun

Reviews in Short: June 2013

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Sinister

There is a scene early in Sinister that had me on the edge of my seat. Fred Thompson, playing a crusty sheriff, approaches family man Ethan Hawke with some unsolicited advice. Uh-oh, I thought, here it comes: Fred is going to pitch an AAG reverse mortgage to poor Ethan. But I was mistaken. Nothing that nerve-rattling happens in this clichéd dud of a horror flick. It’s just Ethan, baseball bat in hand, prowling the dark halls of his haunted house, and a sound technician blasting noise at the audience whenever something supposedly scary occurs. Release: 2012 Grade: D+

*****

Mama

Director Andres Muschietti has a real knack for creepy/scary visuals, which somewhat offsets Mama’s silly premise, dumb plot, and none-too-believable behavior by its characters. Jessica Chastain, as a musician battling the titular creature for control of two little girls, provides evidence that two Oscar nominations are no guarantee of landing other great roles. Release: 2013 Grade: B-

*****

Penumbra

Marga (Cristina Brondo) is the kind of career woman you love to hate. She gets ahead by trampling co-workers, sleeping with married men, and steamrolling anyone who doesn’t serve her needs. We spend two-thirds of Penumbra getting to know busty, bitchy Marga, but Twilight Zone-like omens all point to an unhappy (for Marga), yet satisfying (for us) climax. Just proves that you can’t always trust omens, because Penumbra, until its final act a sleek and suspenseful puzzle, fizzles out at the end, wrapping up with gore-spattered silliness. Release: 2011 Grade: C

*****

Frazetta: Painting with Fire

Say the name “Frazetta” at a comic-book convention, and you’ll likely turn heads. Mention the name anywhere else, and you’ll probably draw a blank stare. That’s a shame because Frank Frazetta, illustrator-artist extraordinaire, deserves a better legacy. His bane was that he worked primarily in the world of fantasy, churning out striking covers for everything from horror-comics to Hollywood movie posters. Frazetta chronicles his colorful life from Brooklyn boyhood to retirement in Pennsylvania, but it’s also a film one can enjoy with the mute button on, simply soaking in a procession of startlingly original warriors, princesses, and demons as they march across the screen. Release: 2003 Grade: B

01Jun

The Weekly Review: May 26 – June 1

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During tornado coverage Friday, an Oklahoma storm chaser reported that a mobile-home park had been “consumed” by a twister. I ain’t no psychologist, but it seems to me that if you are at all inclined to off yourself, your best bet would be to live in a mobile-home park in Oklahoma.

*****

Schadenfreude

Two types of reality TV seem to be thriving: shows set in Alaska, and shows set in the swamps. I believe these shows are successful because, as a species, we enjoy watching other humans suffer. We seem to really, really enjoy watching people freeze their asses off in Alaska, and we seem to really, really enjoy watching toothless rednecks in Louisiana.

My suggestion for a new kind of reality show: Toto, the story of a doomed mutt and his stupid owners, all of whom live in a double-wide in Enid, Oklahoma.

*****

The Bridge

Upcoming shows that intrigue:

Broadchurch (August 7 on BBC America). Two detectives investigate the murder of a young boy in a British seaside town. Sounds like a routine cop show but, given the appeal of BBC America’s recent Orphan Black, I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

The Bridge (July 10 on FX). The last time a basic-cable channel redid a European crime drama, it was AMC with The Killing. I’m guessing that, like most American remakes, this will be inferior to Scandinavia’s Bron, but hey, you never know.

Through the Wormhole (June 5 on Science). When I was in high school, I would often fall asleep during movies in science class. I plan on watching the season premiere of Wormhole just to see if Morgan Freeman falls asleep during his hosting duties.

Big Brother (June 26 on CBS). It’s summer, and you’ve just watched Morgan Freeman explain the origin of the universe. Big Brother will make you question the point of the universe.

Upcoming show that I fully expect will suck:

Under the Dome (June 24 on CBS). It’s based on a Stephen King novel. Back in the ’70s and ’80s, that was sometimes a good thing. Today, it’s usually the kiss of death.

*****

You know Obama’s in the media doghouse when you start to see pictures like this:

29May

Side Effects

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Filmmaker Steven Soderbergh has been making noise about retiring. He’s said he wants to devote more time to his painting. I’m not at all sure that this should be cause for alarm in Hollywood. I haven’t seen every film in Soderbergh’s oeuvre but, of those I have seen, I haven’t been impressed since 2000’s Erin Brockovich.

Side Effects, Soderbergh’s alleged theatrical-film swan song, is the kind of psychological thriller that was catnip for directors like Alfred Hitchcock and Brian De Palma. It has a fast-moving, twist-filled plot and pretty actors playing pretty characters. With Hitchcock or De Palma at the helm, Side Effects would be embellished with flashy camerawork and a dramatic musical score. With Soderbergh behind the camera, the movie resembles a paint-by-the-numbers docudrama. The story cries out for razzle-dazzle: What we want is a movie movie; what we get is an interesting but pedestrian mystery.

Rooney Mara of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo plays Emily, whose husband (Channing Tatum) has been imprisoned for insider trading. When he is released from jail, Emily goes to psychiatrist Dr. Banks (Jude Law) for help with depression. Banks prescribes medication that is still in a testing stage, and tragedy ensues. But like a drug-fueled hallucination, nothing is quite what it seems in this story.

In today’s Hollywood, if a movie succeeds, it’s often in spite of a weak script. Talented directors and actors have rescued many a third-rate screenplay. When a good script does come along, it’s a crime to waste it on someone like the coasting Soderbergh, with his sterile, workmanlike approach. Let’s buy the man a paintbrush and get on with things. Grade: B

Director: Steven Soderbergh Cast: Rooney Mara, Jude Law, Channing Tatum, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Ann Dowd, Vinessa Shaw, Polly Draper Release: 2013

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

25May

The Weekly Review: May 19 – 25

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“Hello, friends. I realize that many of you are disappointed with our system of justice today, and you might have lost some faith in the way things ought to work. But let’s look on the bright side, shall we? The jury’s non-decision decision today means that this young woman, Jodi Arias, still has a small chance to make a decent life for herself. And I, for one, wish her all the best.” — Nancy Grace

Just kidding.

*****

It’s a “New Day”

CNN is struggling in the ratings, and I think I know why: CNN has been paying attention to what viewers say they want. Big mistake.

When the public is polled about news media, it gets all high-minded and carps about “too many negative stories.” CNN responds by airing a procession of “hero” specials … and the public yawns and flips to E! to see what the Kardashians are up to.

The public says it wants less political partisanship in the media. CNN responds by showcasing nice-but-bland Anderson Cooper and grandfatherly Wolf Blitzer … and the public flips to Fox News to watch Bill O’Reilly burst an artery over those damned liberals.

I have more bad news for CNN. I’m no advertising expert, but aren’t viewers supposed to associate products with, oh, I don’t know, something pleasant? CNN is running an ad for its upcoming New Day that opens with the most grating sound imaginable — a metallic, buzz saw-like alarm clock that shrieks at us and reminds us of a thousand miserable mornings.

*****

Dr. Drew Pinsky, above, got all excited about the Jodi Arias non-verdict verdict and began to struggle with the English language.

Dr. Drew: “So, during the break, you can knock some sex into me.”

And later …

Dr. Drew: “He was friends with both Travis and Jodi. Aaron Doody — Dewey — joins us with his thoughts on today’s verdict.”

*****

They are still looking for a few good proofreaders at The Huffington Post.

*****

Scandal Update:

Eric Holder needs to go, and he needs to go yesterday.

But before they get too excited at Fox News, bubble-headed bimbo Andrea Tantaros (above) of The Five, who said this — “A lot of people voted for [Obama]. And if you see any of those people today, do me a favor and punch them in the face.” — also needs to go, and she needs to go the day before yesterday. (She can, however, leave her legs behind.)

*****

21May

The Imposter

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Pardon my French, but what the fuck?

Sorry about that, but that’s the best way to describe The Imposter, an acclaimed documentary from British filmmaker Bart Layton that tells the story of … well, let me try to explain:

In 1994, 13-year-old Nicholas Barclay vanished from his neighborhood in San Antonio, Texas. A little over three years later, “Nicholas,” who would then have been 16, resurfaced — in Spain. But the typical American teen now had a French accent, darker hair, and eyes that were no longer blue, but brown.

Nicholas’s family, apparently overjoyed at the reappearance of the boy, flew him home to Texas and welcomed him back into their lives. This, despite the fact that “Nicholas” was in reality a 23-year-old Frenchman named Frederic Bourdin, a con artist extraordinaire. This is the point where you, dear reader, will be forgiven for also thinking, “What the fuck?”

Layton’s movie, utilizing dramatizations and interviews with actual participants in the bizarre saga, makes it clear that a hoax is afoot. But aside from the charismatic Bourdin, was anyone else in on the con? Something’s not right about the San Antonio family. And whatever became of the real Nicholas?

The Imposter chronicles two incredible stories — one about Bourdin and the other about the enigmatic Texans — that, through sheer coincidence, merged in Texas. If you think you know human nature, this movie will make you think again. Grade: A-

Director: Bart Layton Featuring: Frederic Bourdin, Carey Gibson, Bryan Gibson, Beverly Dollarhide, Nancy Fisher, Phillip French, Codey Gibson, Charlie Parker, Adam O’Brian Release: 2012

Watch Trailers (click here)

18May

The Weekly Review: May 12 – 18

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Time will tell which of the issues assailing President Obama are genuine “scandals,” and which are much ado about nothing, but for my money the story that seems to be generating the least public outrage — Justice Department spying on AP journalists — is the most serious. Obama is saying, in essence, that because he can’t control leaks in his own administration, it’s OK to pretty much destroy an entire news organization. So much for that media “love affair” with the president.

*****

Mayors Just Wanna Have Fun!

Hi! I’m Rob and I’m the mayor of Toronto. Some people say there is a video that shows me smoking crack with drug dealers. Do I look like I’d do something like that?

Hi, I’m Jerry, and I was the mayor of Jersey City. Some time ago, some pesky Hispanic girls yanked off my towel at three o’clock in the morning, and then some jerk took this picture of me. Do you, too, have problems with pesky Hispanic girls?

Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’d love to be the next mayor of New York City. If you’d like to be on my mailing list, just send me your e-mail address, and I’ll see what I can do!

*****

Competing media jumped all over the New York Post when it published a front-page picture of two “bag men” who turned out to have nothing to do with the Boston bombings. Last week, that same media — all of them — splashed front-page mug shots of Ariel Castro’s brothers, who police say had nothing to do with the Cleveland kidnappings.

*****

Meet Sean, 37, a handsome former lieutenant in the U.S. Navy who could be the man of your dreams! Sean is looking for a few good women … and the police are looking for Sean!

Sean!

*****

Hi, I’m Fred and I work for BP. Sure, we might have fouled the Gulf of Mexico, but we’re spending millions to make sure our commercials look really pretty for you!

*****

Hi, I’m Bob. One of my satisfied customers is named O.J. I helped him make a killing, now let me help you!

*****

Hi, I’m Natalie. As a parent, I’m concerned about what my children see on TV. As a viewer, you should be concerned about what my nasal, annoying voice is doing to you!

*****

Who needs those damn vampire movies when we have CBS’ Survivor?

*****

And you thought the wigs worn by spies on The Americans were ridiculous?

*****

This ad popped up on my home page. Please, folks, do not assume that this man represents a typical Minnesotan. I beg it of you.