by Randy Wayne White                                                              

Sanibel

 

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar:  A rugged loner with a mysterious past lives on the Florida coast, interrupting his sojourn with nature (and beer) just long enough to seduce every woman in sight and to do battle with megalomaniacal bad guys, in this case a militaristic pedophile from Central America.  White’s plot and characters don’t carry a gram of originality, but I suppose that when you buy one of his books, just as when you buy anything by Lee Child, you know what you want and you want what you know.

 

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Slowball

 

Baseball’s Bold Move

Major League Baseball announced that it will add more instant-replay challenges to games, beginning next year.  Great idea.  Complaints have been rampant about the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, rapid pace of baseball, so anything that slows down the game has got to be a good thing.

 

*****

 

Starr

 

I keep seeing Barbara Starr doing special reports for CNN.  Someone at that network obviously needs to be chastened, because this is not in keeping with standard cable-news practice of featuring nothing but Hooters-girl journalism.

 

*****

 

God help me, I am a sucker for hidden-camera shows, no matter if they are real, or obviously staged.  TruTV’s (Impractical) Jokers is the epitome of stupid-funny, and I love it.

 

*****

 

51

 

I’m going to stop making fun of “conspiracy nuts.”  Area 51, NSA spying, black boxes in our cars, ad infinitum.  The government, led by Professor Obama, is much too fond of keeping secrets … and Jesse Ventura is looking less crazy to me every day.

 

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Butler

 

Now there are two reasons to skip Lee Daniels’ The Butler — Oprah, and Lee Daniels.

 

*****

 

Shepard

 

“What is wrong with people?” — Shepard Smith, pretty much speaking for all of us.

 

*****

 

Idiot

 

Not sure why this is considered news.  Isn’t this knucklehead wrong about nearly everything?

 

*****

 

Lebowitz

 

Jimmy Fallon had Fran Lebowitz (above) on his show.  Every talk show needs more Fran Lebowitzes — and fewer Hollywood starlets.

 

*****

 

From Entertainment Weekly:

“The Oscars Atone with Ellen:  That was the message when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences tapped Ellen DeGeneres, 55, to emcee the Academy Awards on March 2, 2014.  The fact that a woman was selected felt like a well-earned apology for the arguably sexist humor of this year’s Seth MacFarlane.”

Yes, because in hiring MacFarlane, the Oscars reached out to a straight-male audience, and as a result its ratings went up.  Don’t want to repeat that mistake, right, Entertainment Weekly?

 

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by Scotty Bowers

Service2

                                                                       

I suppose that when you buy a book written by a Hollywood male prostitute, you really shouldn’t be surprised when it turns out to be about a male prostitute in Hollywood.  Bowers drops famous names and spares no ugly detail in this chronicle of his sexual exploits with everyone from Cary Grant to, possibly, your mother, during a “career” that spanned from World War II to the 1980s.  It’s titillating stuff, certainly, but it’s also a great way to ruin your enjoyment of Turner Classic Movies.  When I put down Full Service, I empathized with movie legend James Dean, whom Bowers quotes from a long-ago Hollywood party:  “Ugh!  Don’t like it,” he sneered.  “Bring me something else.”

 

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                                    Evil Dead

Evil2 Evil3

 

Fede Alvarez’s remake of the 1981 classic lacks the black humor of the original, yet it’s never boring.  Alvarez knows how to stage a scary (and gory) scene, but his film is undermined by the usual bane of young-people-in-peril movies:  a script that has our heroes constantly doing and saying unbelievably stupid things.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

                                       Session 9

Session1 Session2

 

At a creepy, abandoned mental hospital in Massachusetts, the asbestos-laden walls are slowly being peeled away — but so is the sanity of one of five workmen hired to do the job.  Session 9 is a rarity, an intelligent chiller for viewers who believe that the real horrors in life aren’t found in cabins in the woods, but in the human brain.  Release:  2001  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

                                           Thor

Thor1 Thor2

 

It’s a bit empty-headed and relies on glitzy special effects, but Thor is also armed with good old-fashioned storytelling and plenty of charm.  And yet … by thunder, am I the only one wondering why the esteemed Kenneth Branagh is now directing comic-book movies?  Release:  2011  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

                                          Starlet

Starlet1 Starlet2

 

A young porn actress befriends a grumpy old lady (85-year-old Besedka Johnson, in her first and only film before her death earlier this year), and a sweet and funny relationship ensues.  I must be getting old, because at the midpoint of this surprisingly good twist on Harold and Maude, there is a brief but explicit sex scene — and I thought it destroyed the mood.  You heard that right:  I am complaining about a sex scene.  But not enough to turn me off to this unpredictable, touching little drama.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

 

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Dome

 

Summer TV Report

 

Under the Dome:  CBS shot its special-effects wad in the first episode.  Since that cow-splitting, plane-crashing introduction, this Stephen King-based miniseries has just been tepid soap opera under glass.  Grade:  C+

Orange Is the New Black:  Some of the humor is sophomoric and a few of the characters are cartoonish, but this Netflix comedy-drama about a well-off woman who finds herself in prison is mostly smart and entertaining.  Grade:  B+

 

Orange2

 

The Bridge:  Lots of plots and subplots in the first four episodes — maybe too many — but the lead characters are intriguing.  Two quibbles:  When did cigarettes replace the black hat as the prop that signals “villain,” and must every journalist on TV be written as a jerk?  Grade:  B

The Killing:  Critics and fans who wrote off this series when it failed to resolve “the killing” at the end of its first season made a mistake, because this continues to be a great cop show.  Grade:  A-

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo:  June and clan are a likeable bunch, but the hillbilly novelty has worn off.  At some point, subtitled English and fart jokes lose their luster.  Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

Clapper

 

Buttwipe of the Week … er, Month

Director of National Intelligence James Claptrap.  If you are a high-powered government official, evidently you can lie to Congress, get busted for doing so, and be penalized by … nothing.

 

*****

 

Gries

 

Quote of the Week:

“My vagina came out!  Sorry, America … it just popped out!” — controversial houseguest Aaryn Gries (above) on Big Brother After Dark, having an oops! moment while climbing into a hammock

 

*****

.

                               Bream  Bream2

 

Fox News sex bomb Shannon Bream (above left at journalism school, and right at Fox) interviewed a doctor who told us that we should all be eating fruits and vegetables.  I did not know that.  Next thing you know, they will be telling us that smoking is bad.

 

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Hit1

 

I’ll have to say this about Chloe Sevigny:  As an actress, she certainly has balls.  Or, in the case of this unusual, surprisingly moving British series, a prosthetic penis.

Sevigny has never shied away from controversial roles.  In 2003, she startled audiences by performing unsimulated fellatio on her director/co-star, Vincent Gallo, in The Brown Bunny (said the New York Times: “She [Sevigny] may be nuts, but she’s also unforgettable.”).  More recently, she’s appeared as a legless amputee on American Horror Story and as one of three wives in a polygamist marriage on HBO’s Big Love.  So I imagine that when Sevigny read the script for Hit & Miss, in which she would play a transgendered contract killer suddenly charged with raising four children, she didn’t blink.

 

Hit2

 

The premise might sound outrageous, and it sort of is, but Hit & Miss is a fine example of what good writing, direction, and acting can accomplish.  As a viewer, you don’t subject the plot to too much scrutiny because you are hooked on everything else.

Sevigny plays Mia, formerly Ryan, who learns after the death of a former lover that she (he) and the woman had conceived a son, now 11 years old.  Mia returns to rural Yorkshire and, after an initial, hostile reception from the orphaned kids – especially teenagers Riley and Levi – the new-age clan learns that it’s easier to fight battles when family has your back.  The kids’ problems include not just the loss of their mother but also a brutish neighbor who owns and plans to sell their house.  Mia’s battles include … oh, where to begin?  A budding romance with a local stud who doesn’t know whether his new love is a girlfriend or a boyfriend?  An underworld boss who never runs out of candidates for Mia’s hit list, but who often runs out of patience?  The inherent trauma of an ongoing sex change?

 

Hit3  Hit4

 

Hit & Miss, with its “Waltons Meet Carlos the Jackal” sensibility, at times stretches credulity, but it’s often suspenseful and never less than compelling.  It is also, of all things, a touching family drama.          Grade:  A-

 

Hit5

 

Cast:  Chloe Sevigny, Jonas Armstrong, Karla Crome, Reece Noi, Jorden Bennie, Vincent Regan, Peter Wight, Ben Crompton   Premiere:  2012  

 

Hit6

 

Editor’s Note:  At press time, there were no plans for a second season of Hit & Miss.  The first season can be found at Netflix.

 

Hit7

 

Official site  (click here)

 

Hit8

Hit & Miss - Series 1Episode 6©Liam Daniel for Sky Atlantic HD

 

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These misbehaving politicians are reminding me of nature:

 

 Filner1      Filner2

                                Bob                                                                               Filner

 

Weiner4      Weiner5

                            Anthony                                                                         Weiner

 

Eliot Spitzer        Spitzer2

                                 Eliot                                                                           Spitzer

 

But spare me all of this sympathy for Anthony Weiner’s wife, Hubris.  Hubris stays with Anthony because Hubris likes power and Hubris likes fame.

 

*****

 

Diaper

 

Apparently some people are disappointed — secretly or not — that the little brat born this week “across the pond” is a boy brat, and not a girl brat.  Royal poop, whether in male or female diapers, is still just royal poop.

 

*****

 

Geraldo Rivera tweeted a naked “selfie.”  Seems obvious to me that Geraldo noticed all of the media attention for Filner, Weiner, and the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant and was overcome with envy.

 

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Orange

 

More TV Crap

Netflix joined the Emmy party with 14 nominations, including nine for House of Cards.  I’m not as surprised by the caliber of Netflix’s new series as I am by the variety.  Cards is the type of quality drama that the traditional networks would love to do, but don’t.   Hemlock Grove is the type of series that SyFy would love to do, but doesn’t.  Orange Is the New Black is the type of “dramedy” that Lifetime would love to do if Lifetime wasn’t, well, Lifetime.

 

Disturbing Trend 1:

The endless dragging out of opening credits on TV shows is a distracting, annoying new practice.  I began watching The Bridge at 9 p.m.  At 9:15, the opening credits finally ended.  Why not just run credits throughout the entire show?

 

Disturbing Trend 2:

TV-show creators are devious.  If they have a new series that potentially skews female, like Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black (top), or BBC America’s Orphan Black (below), they lure in male viewers by displaying lots of female flesh in the opening episodes.  But once the Neanderthalian male is hooked on the story, the nudity stops at least from the star actress.

 

Maslany2

 

*****

 

Now that Jodi Arias and George Zimmerman are in the rearview mirror, what will we armchair jurists do for entertainment?  More important, what will HLN do for ratings?

 

*****

 

Some people wouldn’t let anything interfere with Wednesday’s premiere of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo:

 

Capture

 

*****

 

Hats off to Rae Dawn Chong!  At last, a celebrity who sees the Queen of Smarm, Oprah Winfrey, the same way that I do.  These Chong quotes from a recent radio interview are a bit out of context, just because it’s more fun this way:

“She’s [Oprah’s] a great brown-noser.  If you were in a room with her, she will pick the most powerful person and she’ll become best friends with them.”

“She was that fat chick in school that did everything and everybody loved her.”

“You’ve got to respect her no matter how vile she is, ultimately because she’s all about Oprah and she’s boring.”

 

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by Franz Kafka

Kafka

                                                                    

According to biographer Max Brod, Franz Kafka would sometimes share his short stories with pals before publication.  At these informal gatherings, Brod wrote, “humor became particularly clear.  [Kafka] himself laughed so much that there were moments when he couldn’t read any further.”  This anecdote amazes me, because if there is one adjective I would never employ to describe the short stories of Franz Kafka, it would be “humorous.”  I would opt instead for “bleak,” “absurd,” or “depressing.” 

I might make an exception for “The Metamorphosis,” because unlike the other tales in this collection, with their recurrent themes of misery and oppression, “Metamorphosis” is quite funny; there’s no denying the comic aspects of a story in which a man wakes up in bed to discover that he’s transformed overnight into an enormous bug.

 

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