Alec1

 

On principle, I make a point of avoiding anything that might be described as “heartwarming.”  I do this because I am an incurable grouch.  But I’ll have to admit that I was caught up in the excitement on Friday when the Make-A-Wish Foundation took over San Francisco.

The foundation, as you probably know, exists to grant wishes to suffering people.  On Friday, the organization restored my faith in humanity when actor Alec Baldwin was granted his fondest desire:  to pummel paparazzi.  Thousands of spectators cheered and the Internet went nuts as Alec laid waste to photographers from TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, and other media outlets.

 

Alec2  Alec3

           Police stand by as Alec arrives for his big day.  Alec locates his first target.

 

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Alec’s fans chant “Faggots! Faggots!” as the movie star has his way, below, with a startled photographer.

 

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Throngs of excited San Franciscans show their appreciation for Alec.

 

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Alec moves on to his next targets.

 

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Even the president found time to send a video, wishing Alec well on his special day.

 

*****

 

At this point, historians could discover that Lyndon Johnson, crouching on the roof of the Texas Book Depository, killed Kennedy with a bazooka and I wouldn’t much care.

 

*****

 

An item in my local newspaper:

“Remarkably, the Houston Astros’ broadcast of a game with Cleveland on Sept. 22 registered a rating of 0.0.  As far as Nielsen could tell, nobody watched.”

 

Stadium

 

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Trans1

 

A good thriller is hard to come by.  For proof of that, scroll through your Netflix menu and behold the scores of movies labeled “thriller.”  New ones appear seemingly overnight, and most of them are, well, straight-to-Netflix dreck.  That’s why it’s disheartening when a good one comes along, like Transsiberian, and gets buried in the pile.

It’s a shame because if you like Hitchcock, or if you’re a fan of the Russian novelist Dostoyevsky, here is North by Northwest meets Crime and Punishment.  OK … maybe not quite in that league, but close enough.

 

Trans2

 

Woody Harrelson and Emily Mortimer play an American couple aboard a train traveling from China to Moscow.  They meet another young couple (Kate Mara and Eduardo Noriega), with whom they share cramped sleeping quarters.  But someone has a secret, and it’s not long before a Russian cop (Ben Kingsley) takes more than a casual interest in this quartet of travelers.

Director Brad Anderson, who inexplicably works mostly in TV these days (Rubicon, The Killing), devotes the first half of his film to character development, atmosphere and, a la Hitchcock, planting ominous seeds of what’s to come.  It’s no accident, for example, that Harrelson and Mortimer keep hearing of or seeing disturbing episodes involving the Russian police.

 

Trans3

 

The second half of the film, like the best of Dostoyevsky, is a suspenseful cat-and-mouse game between Kingsley’s cop and Mortimers wife-with-a-secret.  Transsiberian’s five main characters – every one of them – are fleshed out and interesting.  How many thrillers can say that?

Meanwhile, if you like train movies, this one is a treat.  Filmed in Lithuania, Beijing, and Russia, the passing scenery is often a series of picture postcards from hell:  cold, barren landscapes; toothless, miserable villagers; and, just to break up all that dreariness, an occasional breath-taking sight, such as the sparkling ruins of a church buried in snow (along with a body or two).

But mostly this is a thriller, and a good one at that.      Grade:  B+

 

Trans4

 

Director:  Brad Anderson   Cast:  Woody Harrelson, Emily Mortimer, Ben Kingsley, Kate Mara, Eduardo Noriega, Thomas Kretschmann, Etienne Chicot   Release:  2008

 

Trans5 Trans6

 

   Watch the Trailer  (click here)

 

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Hots17

 

Despite what the trailer trumpets (“The most intellectually stimulating movie of the year!”), there’s no question that H.O.T.S. is a dumb movie.  But it knows that it’s a dumb movie – and it doesn’t really care.  Neither do I.

By today’s standards – hell, even by 1979 standards – H.O.T.S. is a sexist, juvenile, exploitive piece of junk.  And that’s why I like it.  It doesn’t apologize for existing; it knows that a large segment of the audience will dismiss it, but it isn’t pandering to all segments of the audience.  It’s pandering to me, damn it.  You go watch your Magic Mike; some of us prefer this.

 

Hots1

Hots2

 

So what, exactly, is this 1970s relic?  It’s: 1) A low-budget rip-off of the previous year’s comedy smash, Animal House2) An attempt to lure sex-crazed males by showcasing boobs, boobs, and an occasional butt;  3) The precursor to a slew of 1980s T&A crap (it predates Porky’s);  4) A good-hearted, lame-brained waste of 95 minutes;  5) An attempt to lure sex-crazed males by showcasing boobs, boobs, and an occasional butt.

 

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                                    Danny Bonaduce, above, with Angela Aames and Lisa London.

  Hots4

 

Oddly, H.O.T.S. was penned by two women, including B-movie queen Cheri Caffaro (Ginger).  Refreshingly, the voluptuous actresses on display, including a bevy of Playboy Playmates, seem to be in on the jokes, no matter how lame they are.

 

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                                                       K.C. Winkler demonstrates method acting.

 

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So why should you waste time watching this nonsense, or even see it more than once like, ahem, some of us have?  1) It stars post-Partridge Family, pre-radio host Danny Bonaduce, one of the few actors in the cast who can handle the dialogue, no matter how lame it is.  2) The “plot,” some folderol about competing sororities, includes a pet seal, a drunken bear, topless parachuting, and awful 1970s fashion and music.  3) Susan Kiger’s boobs, K.C. Winkler’s ass, Lindsay Bloom’s boobs, and … first and foremost, the greatest strip-football game ever to grace the silver screen.        Grade:  B

 

Hots7Hots8          Hots9Hots10                              

                         Angela Aames makes a splash; Lindsay Bloom makes a pass.

 

DirectorGerald Seth Sindell   Cast:  Susan Kiger, Lisa London, Pamela Jean Bryant, Kimberly Cameron, Angela Aames, Lindsay Bloom, K.C. Winkler, Sandy Johnson, Danny Bonaduce, Richard Bakalyan   Release:  1979

  Hots11                                          

                                                 Watch the Trailer  (click here)

 

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Hots13

  Hots14     Hots15

 

Hots16

 

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Ford5

 

Fat Guys Gone Wild!

 

Chris2

 

Fat Guy 1:  Chris Christie won re-election, and newspapers everywhere were forced to expand to single-column layouts.

 

Chris1

 

*

 

Incognito

 

Fat Guys 2 and 3:  This kerfuffle over hazing/harassment/business-as-usual in the NFL won’t surprise anyone who’s seen what is perhaps the best sports movie ever made, 1979’s North Dallas Forty.

 

Jonathan Martin

 

I have no idea how the Incognito-Martin squabble will resolve itself, but I do know this:  I just finished watching MSNBC, and a panel of gays and hetero “girlie men” were discussing how to fix pro football — and that has to be every NFL fan’s worst nightmare.

 

*

 

Fat Guy 4:  Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (photo at top).  Enough said.

 

*****

 

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CNN’s Brooke Baldwin might want to choose her words more carefully.  On Thursday, she did a segment on mental illness.  This is how she introduced Joe Pantoliano, an actor who has struggled with clinical depression: “Looking at your credits, you’re this crazy successful actor.”

 

*****

 

Returned

 

Best Show That You’re Probably Not Watching:

The Returned.  Critics keep referring to this eight-part French series as a “zombie” show.  It is not.  It is a ghost show, dammit.

Sundance Channel has again imported an intriguing drama that, aside from all else, is great-looking.  Top of the Lake gave us spectacular New Zealand scenery.  The Returned takes us to the French Alps.  I’ve only seen the first two episodes, but the premise is a keeper:  Long-dead people suddenly show up at their loved ones’ doorsteps — including, apparently, a deceased serial killer.

 

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Trick ‘r Treat

.      Trick1  Trick2

 

At first, I thought this horror-comedy was an undisciplined mess.  But then a funny thing happened on my way to the graveyard:  I realized I had the wrong attitude.  I expected the story to make sense.  Big mistake.  You have to view it as a filmed nightmare, in which your sleeping brain jumps from one horrific scenario to the next – it’s a vampire dream … a serial-killer dream … a space alien dream.  Trick is a surrealistic treat.  Most impressive:  writer-director Michael Dougherty’s colorful, stylish visuals.  Release:   2007   Grade:   B+

 

*****

 

Evocateur: The Morton Downey Jr. Movie

.      Downey1  Downey2

 

Here’s a cautionary tale about what can happen when you obsessively compete with Daddy.  Downey, the son of a famed singer, was our original trash-talk TV host, a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed precursor to Limbaugh, Beck, et al – not to mention Jerry Springer.  But Downey’s fall was as fast and dramatic as his late ‘80s rise, and the whole saga is well documented in this film.  Release:  2013   Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Maniac

.      Maniac1  Maniac2

 

Elijah Wood again miscast, this time in a gory, unpleasant serial-killer remake.  Wood might be fine as a hobbit, but as a romantic leading man (The Oxford Murders) or a “terrifying” psycho (this film) … not so much.  The diminutive, child-like actor is simply too physically unthreatening – although he does have creepy eyes.  On the other hand, 50-year-old Jan Broberg proves that it’s never too late to bare a shapely ass for the camera.  Release:   2012   Grade:   C

 

*****

 

Olympus Has Fallen

.      Olympus1  Olympus2

 

It’s Die Hard at the White House, but what was once a fresh concept — ballsy good guy vs. dozens of bad guys in a sealed-off setting, in this case Gerard Butler battling North Koreans in the president’s house — has gone stale.  Butler lacks Bruce Willis’s charm, the villain lacks Alan Rickman’s wit, and the whole film has a been-there-done-that feeling.  There are, however, lots of explosions — if that’s what floats your boat.  Release:   2013   Grade:   C

 

*****

 

Dirty Wars

.      Dirty2  Dirty3

 

Journalist Jeremy Scahill looks into U.S. covert activity overseas, and the picture he paints isn’t pretty.  Scahill’s interviews with victims of collateral damage caused by military strikes – in particular by the Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC), the group responsible for killing bin Laden – are disturbing.  What taints this otherwise compelling documentary is the one-sidedness of the reporting:  Government response is either scant or missing in action.  Release:   2013   Grade:  B

 

*****

 

TWA Flight 800

.      TWA1  TWA2

 

Evidence that conspiracy nuts might not always be nuts – and that our government has few compunctions about lying to us.  The documentary makes a strong case that Flight 800 was deliberately shot down on July 17, 1996 – scores of eyewitnesses describe missiles honing in on the plane – but it’s also a frustrating film in that no theories are proposed about the “why” of the catastrophe.  Do the filmmakers suspect terrorism, or perhaps a military mistake?  The movie also gets bogged down in technical jargon about melting nitrates, burning fuselages and other baffling terminology.  Release:   2013   Grade:  B

 

*****

 

The Purge

.      Purge1  Purge2

 

An upper-middle-class family holes up in its gated community on “Purge Night,” an annual 12-hour window in which the government sanctions all crime – including murder.  Yes, it has a message about class warfare, and another message about violence in America, but it also has some genuinely tense invasion scenes.  Release:   2013   Grade:   B+

 

*****

 

Flight

.      Flight1  Flight2

 

If your quarterback wins big games, would you care that he also has six illegitimate kids?  Flight is a smart film that asks a similar question:  How should we feel about our heroes when they are also deeply flawed?  Denzel Washington plays a pilot who pulls off a life-saving crash landing – but who also flies high in more ways than one.  The story is realistic and thought-provoking, yet Washington’s pilot is so self-assured, even cocky, that’s it’s difficult to much care about his fate.  Release:   2012   Grade:   B+

 

*****

 

We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks

.      Wiki1  Wiki2

 

Filmmaker Alex Gibney’s take on WikiLeaks, the online group devoted to uncovering secrets that powerful people would prefer you not know, and on Julian Assange, the weaselly Aussie who founded the organization, is riveting stuff.  The documentary touches on Assange’s legal battles – personal and professional – but mostly poses this question:  Where do you stand on freedom of the press vis-à-vis national security?  Judging from our government’s track record of lies and obfuscation, I’m going to side with the weaselly Aussie.  Release:   2013   Grade:   A-

 

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Cupp1

 

I guess it’s time to have my ears examined.  I keep hearing the most alarming things on cable news channels …

 

What I heard:  “I’m a C cup, and this is CNN.”

 

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What she actually said:  “I’m S.E. Cupp, and this is CNN.”

 

*

 

What I heard: “His book is — it’s even worse than it looks.” — MSNBC’s Alex Wagner.

 

What she actually said:  “His book is: It’s Even Worse than It Looks.”

 

Worse

 

*****

 

The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders.

 

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*****

 

I haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians lately, so I  watched an episode.  When I tuned in, the charming sisters were trying to decide which of their vaginas smelled the worst.

If Muslim extremists ever conquer the United States, or if the poor finally revolt and imprison the rich, I will happily volunteer to join the firing squad when this awful family is lined up.

 

*****

 

Promo of the Week

“There are no frills; just a round oak table and intelligent discussion as Rose engages newsmakers.” — Comcast’s description of Charlie Rose.  Makes me want to watch — how about you?

 

Table

 

*****

 

Melissa Harris-Perry interviewed the survivor of a horrible accident in which, evidently, the car’s headrest became fused to the man’s neck.

 

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Perry2   Perry3   Perry4

 

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by Margaret Atwood

Handmaid

Its tempting to downplay, as feminist propaganda, Atwood’s parable about a future America where men use religion to subjugate women (aided and abetted by other women).  But then again … I can drive a few miles from where I live and watch Somali women, clad in “modesty” robes and Muslim hijabs, strolling past Victoria’s Secret at the mall.  And I can turn on the TV and watch some southern Congressman calling for bans on birth control …. 

Let’s face it:  If any political alliance is handed the means for imposing its will on the rest of us, it probably will.  Atwood’s superb novel depicts this societal nightmare from the female perspective, but the dangers of her “Gilead” are universal.

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Couch

 

Bravo recently premiered The People’s Couch, in which friends and relatives watch TV, and we watch them as they watch TV.  When I tuned in, everyone was watching My Little Pony.

I was tempted to call my landlady to see if she would like to come over and watch me as I watched these people watching My Little Pony.  Yes, it’s come to this. 

 

*****

 

I read that there was a picture of Lady Gaga’s ass.  So I Googled “Lady Gaga’s ass.”  Turns out there are many pictures of Lady Gaga’s ass.  This week, we dedicate the Review to Lady Gaga’s ass.

 

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.    Gaga9  ?

 

*****

 

This photo of a Notre Dame running back has been creating quite a stir.  Apparently, the ladies think he is quite the stud — we have to agree.

 

USC v Notre Dame

 

 

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Young

 

TV Update

 

Shows We Hear Too Much About:

There has always been a whiff of “this show is for teen girls” about American Horror Story, but season three is dishing out more than a whiff.  Teen witches at a boarding school might pass for scary on the Disney Channel (“Let’s bring the cute dead boy back to life!”), but not so much anywhere else.  Grade:  B

I simply can’t watch The Walking Dead anymore.  The zombies are silly, there is very little suspense, and there are way, way too many “heartfelt” conversations.  Grade:  C

 

Shows We Hear Too Little About:

Spiral on Netflix (below).  Cool show, similar to American police procedurals but with French actors, French music, and French sets.  Did I mention that the show is French?  It’s also smart and more cinematic than most cop shows.  Caveat:  There are lots of lawyers, and that means lots of talking, and that means lots of subtitles.  Grade:  B+  Clips

 

Spiral

 

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the phrase “miserable Russian peasants,” I don’t automatically think, “Funny stuff!”  But that’s what Harry Potter’s been up to on Ovation’s A Young Doctor’s Notebook (top).  Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm star in this black comedy about a city-boy doctor stuck in the boonies of 1917 Russia.  The first two episodes are so-so, but the third has some truly inspired slapstick.  Grade:  B+  Clips

 

*****

 

Castellanos

 

Anderson Cooper and Alex Castellanos (above) discussed Tea Party darling Ted Cruz:

Castellanos:  A friend explained to me today, finally, what Ted Cruz is doing.  And I finally understand:  He’s having bunny sex.

Cooper:  Wow.  This is the late-night edition of 360.

Castellanos:  In nature, there are boom-and-bust cycles.  The snowshoe hare, every ten years, multiplies sixfold.

Cooper:  Are you high?  What are you talking about?

Castellanos:  I am high.  Let me explain.  Let me explain … the bunny, the snowshoe hare — I thought it’s a marvelous explanation — every six years, every ten years multiplies sixfold.  Bunnies like sex, apparently.

There was more, but at this point I began to feel sorry for poor Cooper, who has had to deal with this kind of thing before.  Click here  and scroll about halfway down.

 

*****

 

Einstein

 

Misused Word of the Week:  Brilliant

Piers Morgan, a brilliant journalist, interviewed Alan Dershowitz, a brilliant legal scholar, this week on CNN.  I would argue that there are only a handful of “brilliant” humans — generally toiling in the world of science — in each century.  Einstein was brilliant.  Stephen Hawking is brilliant.

Steve Jobs was not brilliant; he was pretty good at figuring out what people wanted from their computers.  Adrian Peterson is not brilliant; he’s pretty good at running with a football.  As for Morgan and Dershowitz, well ….

 

*****

 

Here’s a rat video.  But it’s a funny rat video.

 

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