The Grouchy Editor

 

 

I’m no conspiracy buff and certainly no structural engineer, but it still seems odd to me — counterintuitive — that an airplane crashing into the upper floors of a skyscraper could bring the thing to the ground.

 

 

*****

 

 

“He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, quite literally.”  —  Piers Morgan, talking about Obama and proving that even the English don’t understand English.

 

*****

 

There is a TV ad for something called Micro Plus, a hearing-aid thing that supposedly lets you overhear conversations taking place at a distance.  In the ad, a bikinied babe walks past two other women and knowingly smirks as one of the women says, “She has an amazing body!”

This gadget seems like a good thing, but what if you wear it, walk down the street, and hear:  “Look at the pot belly on that loser!” or  “Look — that guy has a brown spot on the seat of his pants!”?

 

*****

 

 

Dear Grouchy,

The Philadelphia Eagles have made dog-lover Michael Vick fabulously rich with a $100 million contract.  Don’t you agree that it’s good to give people a second chance?

T. Woods

Florida

 

   Dear T. Woods:

Everyone is in favor of giving people a second chance.  But that isn’t the issue with Vick.  The issue is awarding “second chances” that are lucrative beyond belief.  There is a difference between being allowed to earn a living, and being handed the keys to paradise.

Grouchy

 

*****

 

I recently bashed Entertainment Weekly (again) for its politically correct agenda.  Also recently, I championed the U.S. Postal Service, which is in danger of extinction.  So what happens this week?  You guessed it:  My issue of EW got lost in the mail.

 

*****

 

 

So Oprah’s celebrity interviews are disingenuous?  Why am I not surprised?

 

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Funniest show you never heard of:  Hell Date.  You haven’t seen it because 1) it’s on BET, and you’re white; 2) it went off the air in 2008.  But hey, you can still catch reruns or see it on the Web.  It’s funny.  Unless it’s fake.  I’ll have to ask  Ryan O’Neal.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Men Behaving (and Dressing) Badly

 

 

 

Poor Bruce Jenner.  We all know that his wife, Kris, wears the pants in the Kardashian-Jenner household, but this item in my local paper about daughter Kim’s wedding was simply too much:

 

 

I saw nothing about whether or not Wang also designed Bruce’s earrings.

 

*****

 

 

Gawker and The Huffington Post inform us that Fox’s Bill O’Reilly is just another aging cuckold.  According to Gawker, O’Reilly was unable to satisfy trophy wife Maureen McPhilmy, who sought solace in the arms of a Long Island cop.  Big Bill allegedly then pulled strings in an attempt to damage the cop’s career.

If you get your news from Fox, don’t hold your breath waiting for the all-spin network to weigh in on this story.

 

*****

 

Dear Grouchy:

Whatever happened to that story you promised about Arnold Schwarzenegger and a Japanese schoolgirl?

M. Shriver, Los Angeles  CA

 

   Dear M. Shriver:

Never let it be said that we here at The Grouchy Editor are slothful researchers.  In our May 22 review, we incorrectly reported that embattled movie star/governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had once been photographed fondling an underage girl.  Maybe that assertion was the result of, ahem, someone’s early-onset Alzheimer’s, or perhaps it was simply a case of overzealous journalism, but whatever the case, we’ve since located the photograph in question … and it is not of the former governor.

It’s an image of  fellow action star Steven Seagal, who is captured getting his jollies at a smiling lass’s expense (the caption reads:  “Feeling up a Nipponese schoolgirl!”).  The photo was published in a 1995 edition of Celebrity Sleuth, and here it is.  Our apologies to Arnold.

 

 

*****

 

 

 

I was channel surfing and landed on two hefty, middle-aged women discussing the economy — and it was so refreshing.  No kidding.  CNN anchor Candy Crowley (above left) and economist Christina Romer (above right) might not be typical TV eye candy (pun intended), but somehow I put a lot more weight (pun intended) into what these two were saying than I do when I’m forced to listen to the usual gang of pretty bubbleheads.  You go, fat girls!

 

*****

 

So Obama caves, again, and bumps his Big Speech back a day to Thursday evening.  This guy is like the smart kid who sits in class and has all of the right answers — but who then gets beat up by bullies and has his lunch stolen.  Those of us who voted for him thought we were getting a guy with some balls, but we picked the wrong kid; we should have voted for the woman with balls.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

OK, so I suppose I have a sick sense of humor, but when I read that a 66-year-old woman spent 12 days in a Canadian jail for “heroin smuggling,” I thought it was the funniest story of the week.  Click here to read about it.

 

*****

 

 

Baseball’s Jim Thome clubbed the 600th home run of his career — and America yawned.  Methinks there are two explanations for the apathy:  rent-a-players, and steroids.  Steroid abuse has tainted baseball’s once-hallowed records, and rent-a-player jocks (like Thome), who seldom spend an entire career with one team, have made the concept of team “loyalty” into a joke.

 

*****

 

 

Dear Grouchy:

Why are you so homophobic?

J. Cagle, New York

 

   Dear J. Cagle:

Two words:  Entertainment Weekly.  I’m a subscriber, and I’ve noticed that there are two opportunities that EW never misses — the chance to pummel raging heterosexuals like Charlie Sheen and Tracy Morgan, and the chance to plug that fading TV phenomenon called Glee.

Surprisingly, EW fessed up to its Glee obsession in its August 12 issue:  “We’ve been huge fans of the show from the very beginning, and we have the angry letters complaining about our constant barrage of Glee covers to prove it.”  Wow.  Can’t wait to see next week’s issue, with its cover from Glee.

 

 

Dear Grouchy:

Why are you so grouchy?

The World

 

   Dear World:

Can’t help it.  I subscribe to Entertainment Weekly.

 

*****

 

 

HLN’s Joy Behar keeps referring to the Speaker of the House as “John Boner.”  Texas Governor Dick Perry wants to move into the White House.  Now, if Republicans could just get New York’s Peter King to switch houses and run the Senate, we could have a country led by Peter, Dick, and Boner.  Take that, women’s libbers.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Bernie Madoff’s pants are in the news, but I’m thinking of buying an “I Love Bernie!” t-shirt because Madoff seems to be the only person in recent memory who was able to stick it to the rich the way the rich continue to stick it to the rest of us.

 

*****

 

 

Mila Kunis caught hell for stating the obvious:  Fat people just need to try harder if they want to lose weight.  When will celebrities learn that it never pays to speak the truth?

 

*****

 

 

Michele Bachmann defenders are outraged that she was asked about being a “submissive wife” at the Republican debate.  Hey, she started it.  Besides, Bachmann’s reply, in which she equated the word “respect” with “submission,” was classic bullshit.

 

*****

 

 

Liberals beware, because Fox News is tapping into a cultural niche that’s traditionally belonged to you:  televised humor.  I am referring to Red Eye’s Greg Gutfeld, who is suddenly everywhere.

But this guy, who can be quite amusing — for the uninitiated, think of him as a poor man’s Bill Maher —  drops the funny business to spew demented conservative crap in nightly “Greg-alogues.” Oh, and Louis C.K., I love your FX series, but did you really have to provide a platform for Gutfeld on your show?  At least you misspelled his name in the credits.

 

*****

 

 

Good job, Jon Stewart, exposing Megyn Kelly’s hypocrisy.  Kelly, who recently returned to Fox after taking maternity leave, believes that government benefits are out of control — unless they happen to benefit her.

 

*****

 

 

“Endless Pools”?  Oh, please.  There is nothing endless about them; they are glorified bathtubs.

 

*****

 

Headline of the Week:

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Craig Ferguson took his show to Paris last week, and the result was brilliant television.  Ferguson is at his best with just-plain folk, and his tours of French landmarks mixed with man-on-the-boulevard interviews were refreshing.

And whoever decided to send along cute-as-a-button Kristen Bell as Craig’s sidekick deserves a promotion.  What a great team they make.  And what a shame that Ferguson, Bell, and skeletal robot Geoff have to return to the CBS studio.

 

 

Dancing at the Moulin Rouge, sliding across the floor of Versailles, chatting up the owner of Shakespeare and Company, dining with French actor Jean Reno, “dropping” expensive wine, and cutting gourmet cheese — entertaining stuff, all of it.  And educational!

 

         

 

 

*****

 

 

Sarah Rocha had a bone to pick.  Sarah who?

Sarah is a reader of Entertainment Weekly who was unhappy with a recent EW story about Daniel Craig, the film star who suffered the indignity of a media blitz for his crappy new movie, Cowboys and Aliens.  When EW’s interviewer was brazen enough to ask Craig how he felt about promoting his films, Craig growled, “I can’t do the tits-and-teeth stuff.  I’m not hardwired to do that.  I can’t sell.”

When asked about his wedding to actress Rachel Weisz, Craig snapped, “This question answers itself. …  No disrespect, but if you think it through, that’s the reason we’ve said fuck all on that subject.  Because it was private.”  When the journalist foolishly persisted, inquiring about Craig’s wedding ring, the sullen star barked, “You just see a line in the sand and want to fucking step over it.”

Sarah Rocha sent a letter to the EW editor:  “I’m sick of actors who act like jerks during interviews when personal questions come up, like Daniel Craig. … Boo-frickin’-hoo, famous people.”

 

*****

 

 

They are going to eliminate more post offices.  Makes sense to me, since e-mail has all but obliterated snail mail.  What does not make sense to me is all the sniping about the good ol’ U.S. Postal Service.

I’ve been around a long time now, both sending and receiving thousands of letters and packages, and in all my years I can recall one time — one time! — when something I mailed apparently got lost (in Puerto Rico).  As far as I’m concerned, the U.S. Postal Service has done an amazing job, so quit yer bitchin’, people!

 

*****

 

 

About the time Obama was elected president, I heard that he was reading Doris Kearns Goodwin’s book, Team of Rivals, which is about Lincoln’s admirable ability to play well with others in Washington.

I’m afraid that Obama took the book’s message too much to heart.  Some rivals will never be on your team.  Obama might be wise to head the advice of a guy who played on another team, baseball legend Leo Durocher, who famously told us:  “Nice guys finish last.”

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

While Web sites like The Huffington Post trumpet stories about celebrity brown-noser Piers Morgan’s possible involvement in Britain’s phone-hacking scandal, CNN seems to be hoping the issue will simply fade away.  Morgan himself pretends the scandal is beneath him, blithely booking Hollywood has-beens on his interview show, ignoring the gathering storm.

 

*****

 

 

Comedian George Lopez told Morgan that all of television’s late-night hosts dislike Jay Leno.  I suppose ratings-king Leno would chalk that up to professional envy, but I don’t like him, either.  My distaste for Leno stems from the book The Late Shift, in which he is depicted as so insecure that he hid in a closet to eavesdrop on NBC executives discussing his future at the network.

Leno is a rich, smirking phony who seems most interested in expensive cars, stealing jokes, and belittling the average Joe (and Mary).  Of course, I could be wrong.

 

*****

 

 

I understand that entrepreneurs are what make America tick, but geez, I am unhappy with companies like EZ Moves.  By creating gizmos that help women move furniture (above), open pickle jars, etc., these companies are making the male of the species irrelevant.  So stop it!

 

*****

 

 

 

People who aren’t hooked on reality shows like CBS’s Big Brother (above) don’t realize how obsessed — or crazed — some of the fans are.  Every tinkle and tooth-brushing is documented on the Internet.

Yesterday, I read this analysis of Big Brother houseguests (also known as “hamsters”), some of whom were forced to eat slop for a week:  “Tonight a lot of talk about farts.  Seems the slop causes major gas issues in the hamsters’ bellies, so the house really stinks.” 

Did someone say that reality shows aren’t real?

 

*****

 

Dog videos on YouTube can get old, but not this one, which might be the King of All Dog Videos.

 

*****

 

Tea-Baggers?  Yeah, like I’m going to place my trust in a group of people foolish enough to name themselves after men swallowing balls.

                                             

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Ugly Politicians Edition

 

But first …

Idiot of the Week:  Dr. Sanjay Gupta

 

This clown masquerading as a journalist doesn’t know whereof he speaks when it comes to headaches.  Reporting on Michele Bachmann’s migraines, Gupta told the world that migraine headaches can be “easily treated,” and then doled out bogus information about the duration and causes of these killer headaches.

Speaking as someone who suffered from migraines for ten years, let me assure Gupta that they are definitely not “easily treated.”  Nothing works — at least not for cluster migraines, the variety I was lucky enough to have.

Idiot of the Week Runner-Up:  Some clueless joker named Dr. Marc Siegel, who echoed Gupta’s bullshit:  “Migraines are very easily treatable,” Siegel said, causing me to almost suffer a relapse.

 

*****

 

 

Politicians are movie-star wannabes who are just too damn ugly for Hollywood.  They have movie-star egos but are not photogenic.  So these cosmetically challenged egotists go into politics, where the rest of us have no choice but to keep an eye on them, lest they destroy the nation. 

Only in the political world could pasty-faced, chubby Bill Clinton be described as sexy.  Only in politics could scrawny, hook-nosed Caroline Kennedy (and her mother, Jacqueline) be hailed as “glamorous.”  Michelle Obama is anointed “the new Jackie Kennedy,” but our First Lady is horse-faced and has hips as wide as Kenya.  Our charismatic current president has ears like Alfred E. Neuman’s.

As for Republicans, just two words:  Newt Gingrich.  The GOP beauty bar is so low that geeky-looking Paul Ryan is considered a “stud.”  Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are “babes.”  Yeah, move over Angelina and Megan, these middle-aged mothers want to use your mirror.

Herewith, a gallery of hideous politicians:

 

 

Al Franken:  The picture speaks for itself.

 

 

 

The glamorous Kennedys:  Hard to say which picture is sexier, Caroline bathing in blue (see above), or mom Jackie in the buff (below).

 

 

             

 

MILF Sarah Palin.

 

 

Chris Christie will beat you up … if only he could run fast enough to catch you.

 

 

Expensive gifts from Tiffany’s?  Nah, Newt’s wife was obviously attracted to his rugged good looks.

 

 

Mitch McConnell, making John Boehner’s eyes water.

 

 

Above, Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in an outtake from The Tourist?  Perhaps not.

 

 

Carla Bruni needn’t feel threatened.

 

 

Donald Trump:  No comment.

 

 

Henry Waxman, above, wants to ban my cigarettes.  I want to ban Henry Waxman.

 

 

Well … maybe someone Photoshopped this one.  Or maybe she is having a migraine.

 

*****

 

 

Now we know of (another) reason why rich old farts get trophy wives.  Geezers like Rupert Murdoch are too feeble to defend themselves, but their much-younger wives can sometimes throw a nasty hook.  Or was this incident staged to throw sympathy at scandal-ridden Murdoch?

 

 

 

*****

 

 

Norwegians — even their terrorists are good-looking.

 

*****

 

This column by the New York Times’s Frank Bruni is a great piece of social observation.

 

*****

 

                                               

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

     

 

Say it ain’t so!  Bad news for fans of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books:  Debbie Reynolds has been cast to play Grandma Mazur in the film version of One for the Money, the first novel in the series.

Nothing against Reynolds, but I’ve always pictured Grandma Mazur as a spindly, geriatric dynamo, much like “Granny” in the old Playboy cartoons (above).  Reynolds (below) looks like a well-fed, glamorous movie star — because that’s what she is.

Also, the former Mrs. Eddie Fisher annoys me.  She spends too much time on talk shows either upstaging daughter Carrie Fisher or denigrating her deceased ex, Eddie.  Not classy.

 

 

*****

 

I love Netflix.  It was great to get unlimited DVDs and streaming video for ten bucks a month.  But man … a sixty percent price increase?  That reeks of a company thinking, “We dominate the market, so we can squeeze the hell out of our customers.”

 

*****

 

 

Fox News carries on its tradition of “fair and balanced” programming by pitting one lonely liberal (Bob Beckel) against four conservatives on the new talk show, The Five.

Fox used to do this on Hannity & Colmes, booking conservative guests so that they and Hannity could gang up on Colmes.  Apparently even one liberal was one too many for that show, which eventually dumped Colmes.

I hate to admit it, but The Five’s hook-nosed Andrea Tantaros is sexy, in a bitchy, chubby-thighed sort of way.  Tantaros instills an urge in me to buy duct tape, handcuffs, and a paddle — just for play, mind you.  Co-host Greg Gutfeld is funnier on his other Fox show, Red Eye, than he is on The Five, where he comes off as a narcissistic little turd.  Bush press secretary Dana Perino does her best heartless mannequin/Stepford wife impersonation, and the fifth guy on the panel … who is he?

If The Five catches on, it will be thanks to the opposites-detract interplay of Beckel and Gutfeld.  That and the gams of whichever female is seated in the “legs chair.”

 

 

*****

 

Speaking of “fair and balanced,” Fox News has been all over the Rupert Murdoch scandal, hasn’t it?  (You too, Piers Morgan.)

 

*****

 

Just when you thought the news was all bad, something comes along to make Butt Men rejoice:

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

I didn’t pay much attention to the Casey Anthony trial until this past week, but holy hot-tubs, this courtroom drama is making the O.J. Simpson trial look like a routine episode of Judge Judy.  It’s going to make one helluva book and movie.

Winners and Losers:

No winners.  Not even Casey.  O.J. managed to avoid the wrath of an angry public after his acquittal, so Anthony should, too.  But what kind of life will she lead?  I predict one of two futures for her:  a one-way ticket to a foreign country, or more infamy in the world of porn.

 

 

Losers:  Cable’s HLN.  What an embarrassment of unprofessional, whining babies.  When the Not Guilty verdict was announced, HLN’s assortment of anchors, lawyers, and other fools reacted as if they’d been kneed in the collective crotch.  These TV “experts” did not sit on the jury, yet five minutes before the verdict they felt qualified to assure the nation that Anthony would be found guilty.  Five minutes after the verdict they assured the nation that they could explain exactly what had gone wrong.

 

   

 

Worst Offenders:  HLN’s Mike Galanos, Jane Velez-Mitchell, and Nancy (dis)Grace.  Honorable Mention goes to Fox resident egomaniac Bill O’Reilly who, after admitting to paying scant attention to the trial, stated unequivocally that he knew what really went down, and that the jury was composed of fools.

 

   

 

This is what I learned from the trial:

• Lee Anthony is the only normal member of the Anthony family; Lee Anthony sexually assaulted his sister
• Cindy Anthony committed perjury to save her daughter; Cindy Anthony was an emotionally abusive shrew to Casey
• George Anthony is a lying adulterer; George Anthony is a man of principle who was falsely accused
• Jose Baez was a grandstanding buffoon; Jose Baez pulled off a brilliant defense
• Caylee Anthony was murdered by her mother; Caylee Anthony was the victim of a tragic accident
• Judge Perry was blatantly pro-prosecution; Judge Perry ran an efficient trial under difficult circumstances

And finally, no one knows who fathered Caylee Anthony.  Is it any wonder that the jury found reasonable doubt?

 

 

             

 

*****

 

          

 

Thank goodness we have another kind of “reality TV,” the kind that actually makes sense.  I am referring, of course, to the new season of CBS’s Big Brother.  There is much suspense to be found in the fake backyard of the BB set:  What will happen if the houseguests run out of cigarettes?  Who will be the next houseguest “accidentally” caught undressing by the CBS cameras?

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)