The Grouchy Editor

Ugly Politicians Edition

 

But first …

Idiot of the Week:  Dr. Sanjay Gupta

 

This clown masquerading as a journalist doesn’t know whereof he speaks when it comes to headaches.  Reporting on Michele Bachmann’s migraines, Gupta told the world that migraine headaches can be “easily treated,” and then doled out bogus information about the duration and causes of these killer headaches.

Speaking as someone who suffered from migraines for ten years, let me assure Gupta that they are definitely not “easily treated.”  Nothing works — at least not for cluster migraines, the variety I was lucky enough to have.

Idiot of the Week Runner-Up:  Some clueless joker named Dr. Marc Siegel, who echoed Gupta’s bullshit:  “Migraines are very easily treatable,” Siegel said, causing me to almost suffer a relapse.

 

*****

 

 

Politicians are movie-star wannabes who are just too damn ugly for Hollywood.  They have movie-star egos but are not photogenic.  So these cosmetically challenged egotists go into politics, where the rest of us have no choice but to keep an eye on them, lest they destroy the nation. 

Only in the political world could pasty-faced, chubby Bill Clinton be described as sexy.  Only in politics could scrawny, hook-nosed Caroline Kennedy (and her mother, Jacqueline) be hailed as “glamorous.”  Michelle Obama is anointed “the new Jackie Kennedy,” but our First Lady is horse-faced and has hips as wide as Kenya.  Our charismatic current president has ears like Alfred E. Neuman’s.

As for Republicans, just two words:  Newt Gingrich.  The GOP beauty bar is so low that geeky-looking Paul Ryan is considered a “stud.”  Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are “babes.”  Yeah, move over Angelina and Megan, these middle-aged mothers want to use your mirror.

Herewith, a gallery of hideous politicians:

 

 

Al Franken:  The picture speaks for itself.

 

 

 

The glamorous Kennedys:  Hard to say which picture is sexier, Caroline bathing in blue (see above), or mom Jackie in the buff (below).

 

 

             

 

MILF Sarah Palin.

 

 

Chris Christie will beat you up … if only he could run fast enough to catch you.

 

 

Expensive gifts from Tiffany’s?  Nah, Newt’s wife was obviously attracted to his rugged good looks.

 

 

Mitch McConnell, making John Boehner’s eyes water.

 

 

Above, Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in an outtake from The Tourist?  Perhaps not.

 

 

Carla Bruni needn’t feel threatened.

 

 

Donald Trump:  No comment.

 

 

Henry Waxman, above, wants to ban my cigarettes.  I want to ban Henry Waxman.

 

 

Well … maybe someone Photoshopped this one.  Or maybe she is having a migraine.

 

*****

 

 

Now we know of (another) reason why rich old farts get trophy wives.  Geezers like Rupert Murdoch are too feeble to defend themselves, but their much-younger wives can sometimes throw a nasty hook.  Or was this incident staged to throw sympathy at scandal-ridden Murdoch?

 

 

 

*****

 

 

Norwegians — even their terrorists are good-looking.

 

*****

 

This column by the New York Times’s Frank Bruni is a great piece of social observation.

 

*****

 

                                               

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Say it ain’t so!  Bad news for fans of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books:  Debbie Reynolds has been cast to play Grandma Mazur in the film version of One for the Money, the first novel in the series.

Nothing against Reynolds, but I’ve always pictured Grandma Mazur as a spindly, geriatric dynamo, much like “Granny” in the old Playboy cartoons (above).  Reynolds (below) looks like a well-fed, glamorous movie star — because that’s what she is.

Also, the former Mrs. Eddie Fisher annoys me.  She spends too much time on talk shows either upstaging daughter Carrie Fisher or denigrating her deceased ex, Eddie.  Not classy.

 

 

*****

 

I love Netflix.  It was great to get unlimited DVDs and streaming video for ten bucks a month.  But man … a sixty percent price increase?  That reeks of a company thinking, “We dominate the market, so we can squeeze the hell out of our customers.”

 

*****

 

 

Fox News carries on its tradition of “fair and balanced” programming by pitting one lonely liberal (Bob Beckel) against four conservatives on the new talk show, The Five.

Fox used to do this on Hannity & Colmes, booking conservative guests so that they and Hannity could gang up on Colmes.  Apparently even one liberal was one too many for that show, which eventually dumped Colmes.

I hate to admit it, but The Five’s hook-nosed Andrea Tantaros is sexy, in a bitchy, chubby-thighed sort of way.  Tantaros instills an urge in me to buy duct tape, handcuffs, and a paddle — just for play, mind you.  Co-host Greg Gutfeld is funnier on his other Fox show, Red Eye, than he is on The Five, where he comes off as a narcissistic little turd.  Bush press secretary Dana Perino does her best heartless mannequin/Stepford wife impersonation, and the fifth guy on the panel … who is he?

If The Five catches on, it will be thanks to the opposites-detract interplay of Beckel and Gutfeld.  That and the gams of whichever female is seated in the “legs chair.”

 

 

*****

 

Speaking of “fair and balanced,” Fox News has been all over the Rupert Murdoch scandal, hasn’t it?  (You too, Piers Morgan.)

 

*****

 

Just when you thought the news was all bad, something comes along to make Butt Men rejoice:

 

 

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I didn’t pay much attention to the Casey Anthony trial until this past week, but holy hot-tubs, this courtroom drama is making the O.J. Simpson trial look like a routine episode of Judge Judy.  It’s going to make one helluva book and movie.

Winners and Losers:

No winners.  Not even Casey.  O.J. managed to avoid the wrath of an angry public after his acquittal, so Anthony should, too.  But what kind of life will she lead?  I predict one of two futures for her:  a one-way ticket to a foreign country, or more infamy in the world of porn.

 

 

Losers:  Cable’s HLN.  What an embarrassment of unprofessional, whining babies.  When the Not Guilty verdict was announced, HLN’s assortment of anchors, lawyers, and other fools reacted as if they’d been kneed in the collective crotch.  These TV “experts” did not sit on the jury, yet five minutes before the verdict they felt qualified to assure the nation that Anthony would be found guilty.  Five minutes after the verdict they assured the nation that they could explain exactly what had gone wrong.

 

   

 

Worst Offenders:  HLN’s Mike Galanos, Jane Velez-Mitchell, and Nancy (dis)Grace.  Honorable Mention goes to Fox resident egomaniac Bill O’Reilly who, after admitting to paying scant attention to the trial, stated unequivocally that he knew what really went down, and that the jury was composed of fools.

 

   

 

This is what I learned from the trial:

• Lee Anthony is the only normal member of the Anthony family; Lee Anthony sexually assaulted his sister
• Cindy Anthony committed perjury to save her daughter; Cindy Anthony was an emotionally abusive shrew to Casey
• George Anthony is a lying adulterer; George Anthony is a man of principle who was falsely accused
• Jose Baez was a grandstanding buffoon; Jose Baez pulled off a brilliant defense
• Caylee Anthony was murdered by her mother; Caylee Anthony was the victim of a tragic accident
• Judge Perry was blatantly pro-prosecution; Judge Perry ran an efficient trial under difficult circumstances

And finally, no one knows who fathered Caylee Anthony.  Is it any wonder that the jury found reasonable doubt?

 

 

             

 

*****

 

          

 

Thank goodness we have another kind of “reality TV,” the kind that actually makes sense.  I am referring, of course, to the new season of CBS’s Big Brother.  There is much suspense to be found in the fake backyard of the BB set:  What will happen if the houseguests run out of cigarettes?  Who will be the next houseguest “accidentally” caught undressing by the CBS cameras?

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Tom Petty asked Michele Bachmann to stop using his song, “American Girl,” on the campaign trail.  Petty also requested that George Bush stop using Petty music during a Bush campaign.  Must be a tough job for whoever selects Republican campaign music, because unless you are into country, most popular music is created by liberals.

 

*****

 

 

A hidden camera caught Chris Hansen cheating on his wife.  Good.  I’m all for busting child molesters, but to me Hansen’s To Catch a Predator reeks of illegal entrapment.

 

*****

 

 

I’m tired of Kim Kardashian and her worthless family.  I mention Her Assness because as I write this, she and her dumb-jock boyfriend are just a few miles from me, attending a baseball game at Target Field, and I think I just heard thunder.  If I am wrong about that and the sound is instead Kim experiencing flatulence, then these could be the last words I ever type.

 

   

 

      

 

 

*****

 

Dickipedia — an amusing site.  It seems to be an equal-opportunity abuser.

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

The anti-smoker police are at it again, using their Big Brother bully pulpit to place revolting pictures on cigarette packages.  Fine.  I think I have a small but potentially effective way to fight back.

First, I recommend that all smokers purchase a good old-fashioned cigarette case, like the iPod model pictured above.  Second, every time you empty out one of these new, anti-constitutional packages (free speech, anyone?), leave it somewhere very public, such as on a library shelf, a restaurant table, or a park bench. 

My hunch is that if enough mothers realize that little Johnny and Susie are being exposed to the repulsive illustrations on empty packages, they will react the same way they would if the object in question was a discarded Playboy magazine — with anger.  Quite possibly, these furious mothers will make the politicians back down.

 

*****

 

 

Roger Ebert caught hell for his possibly insensitive, definitely ill-timed Twitter post about the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn.  I thought that Ebert caved to public pressure, and so I called him out on his blog.  Much to my surprise, the Big Man actually replied to my lecture:

 

 

*****

 

 

Summertime television used to suck.  Not anymore.  The second season of Louie premiered the other night.  It was just a so-so episode, but if last year was any indication, there should be more flashes of comic brilliance on this FX series.  The second season of The Big C premieres Monday on Showtime.  Laura Linney, as a soccer mom with cancer, is a sight to behold in this comedy-drama.  And on July 13 the final year of Rescue Me kicks off, also on FX.  Last year was a sub-par season for this once-great Denis Leary series.  Let’s hope it goes out with a bang.

 

 

 

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Beer Goggles For Her

I have mixed feelings about Gollum-like Hugh Hefner and his trophy babes.  On the one hand, every guy likes to think that he can snare a young hottie — even when he’s decrepit and wearing Depends, like Hef.  On the other hand, is there any better example of the term “gold digger” than these girls who move in with him (and eventually scram, like “runaway bride” Crystal Harris, above right)?

 

 

Beer Goggles For Him

If you were as rich, powerful, and famous as Arnold Schwarzenegger, and presumably had your pick of the litter, would you pursue carnal knowledge with housemaid Mildred Baena?  Some media blowhard, I forget who, has a theory that makes sense:  Men crave variety, and so even if you’ve enjoyed a lifetime of gorgeous women throwing themselves at you, sooner or later you want something, uh, “different.”

 

*****

 

 

This video of the Dalai Lama and an Australian reporter is hilarious.  If you haven’t seen it yet, click here.

 

*****

 

     

 

Weiner has finally been eaten, so why is David Vitter still in Congress?

Multimillionaire Mitt Romney thinks unemployment is funny.  His party, led by Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan, wants me to shrug off 30 years of payroll taxes and then watch passively as the Republicans eliminate Medicare.  Meanwhile, Romney, Ryan, and the other Rs demand more tax cuts for the rich.  God help all of us.

 

*****

 

 

I see London, I see France ….

 

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Weinergate Throws Beltway for a Loop

Lots of people are having fun watching Anthony Weiner squirm.  I enjoy watching other politicians and media types squirm as they are forced to comment on the scandal.

 

 

Fox’s Bill O’Reilly has been visibly uncomfortable talking about Weinergate.  People might recall that, in 2004, Bill was on the no-fun end of a $60 million sexual harassment lawsuit.  His former producer, Andrea Mackris, claimed that Fox’s arbiter of good taste engaged in explicit phone fantasies with her.  According to published reports, O’Reilly wound up paying millions to Mackris.  And this guy sits in judgment of Weiner?

 

**

 

Women on cable talk shows are discussing “emotional abuse” as a legal issue. Be careful what you wish for, ladies, because once emotional abuse becomes as prevalent in the courtrooms as physical abuse, I’m guessing that there could be just as many women in our penitentiaries as men.  Possibly more.

 

 

Media talking heads keep using that tired phrase, “What was he (Weiner, above with wife Huma Abedin) thinking?”  We all know what he was thinking.  The real question should go to the talking heads:  Are you really that stupid, or do you just believe that your audience is that stupid?

 

 

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was as uncomfortable as O’Reilly in discussing Weinergate.  Flustered and stammering as he read excerpts from Weiner’s sexting, Matthews was unintentionally hilarious.  “I guess it’s sex talk,” he surmised, looking around for corroboration.

 

**

 

 

New Michele Bachmann aide Ed Rollins created quite a stir when he accused Sarah Palin of being “not serious” politically, but I prefer this quote from Minnesota GOP strategist Sarah Janacek:  “Maybe there is only room for one articulate, good-looking conservative broad in the race.”  Good looking?  OK.  Articulate?  Well ….

 

 

The Wimp Factor:  When politicians are advised to toughen up their images, it usually backfires.  They just come off as fake (more so than usual, that is).  Al Gore suffered from the “wimp” problem, even after he famously kissed Tipper.  John Kerry had the problem, even though he is a war vet.  And Tim Pawlenty has it now.  O’Reilly and Donald Trump have been advising Tiny Tim to get more aggressive, but if he takes their advice, he’ll just come off as a phony.

 

*****

 

Reese Witherspoon, speaking at the MTV Movie Awards, was correct when she told American lasses, “It’s totally possible to be a good girl.”  But then she added, “And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people!  Hide your face!”  Gosh, Reese, most women don’t have access to Hollywood makeup artists to gussy up their nude shots, like you did in this scene from 1998’s Twilight.

 

 

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Life’s Little Irritants

We all hate commercials, but there is one species of advertising that is especially insidious:  the jingle commercial.

I can easily tune out most TV ads.  Some familiar pitch will show up on the screen, and I’ll go back to reading my newspaper.  But ignoring the jingle commercial is next to impossible.  You can be out in the garage, or enjoying a constitutional in the john, and suddenly the hair-raising strains of Neil Patrick Harris crooning “like an angel” for Xfinity will set your ears on fire.  You might be outside mowing the lawn when the gag-inducing “Nationwide is on your side” will drift out the window and infuse you with a desire to disassemble the blades from your mower and use them to slit your own throat.

 

 

*****

 

Showtime had a free preview, so I tuned in.  With a few exceptions, including The Big C, Showtime has the same problem today that it had 20 years ago, back when I was a subscriber:  Crappy programs.  There are simply way, way too many straight-to-video-caliber movies.

 

*****

 

 

I’m sorry, but American audiences are like trained seals.  Why on earth do we feel compelled to applaud:  1) the chorus-line kick; 2) people who reach old age; and 3) couples who have been married a long time?

The Rockettes’ high kick doesn’t look particularly challenging.  For all you know, that old geezer you’re applauding could be a lifelong child molester.  The married couple might have endured 50 miserable years together.  But like those trained seals, give us our cue and we’ll applaud.

 

*****

 

      

      

 

Funny guys who strike me as funny only when I channel my inner 12-year-old — and sometimes not even then:  Zach Galifianakis, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Tim Allen, and most of the cast of Saturday Night Live.

 

*****

 

      

 

Life’s Little Joys

If you blog long enough, eventually some sort-of-celebrity will leave you a visitor comment.  I have had two such comments at the “Weekly Review,” one of them complimentary, and the other … not so much.  But thank you, Liz Sklar (above left) and Debi Sue Voorhees (above right).

 

*****

 

 

I don’t know.  I think police might have screwed up when they arrested this guy.  Seriously, does he look like the type who would shoot at an airplane?

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Institutional Fails

 

 

The Press

Years ago, a tabloid published a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger groping an obviously underage Asian girl.  The future governor of California was standing behind the girl, grinning as he reached around her and fondled her breasts with his two gigantic paws. The girl’s eyes said, “I can’t believe he’s doing this.”

Yesterday, I did a Web search for the picture but couldn’t find it, which seemed odd because it was on the Internet in the past.  What’s even stranger is the absolute failure of the press to cover Arnold’s decades-long sexual shenanigans.  The L.A. Times did publish an expose in 2003.  There was also an article in Premiere in 2001.  Somehow, most of this stuff has vanished from the public eye.

 

 

The Court System

Lindsay Lohan gets sentenced to two weeks of house arrest.  Poor thing.  Next time I get arrested, I want to be sentenced to a stay in a palatial estate, too.  No wonder so many people have no respect for our criminal justice system.

 

*****

 

 

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Things I managed to (mostly) avoid this week:  Oprah, American Idol, the Casey Anthony trial.

But it’s hard to overlook the pictures of accused child-killer Anthony that are circulating on the Web, so here’s another look.

 

*****

 

 

This, uh, “guy” has been making the talk-show rounds, promoting his/her book, Transition.  I didn’t quite know what to expect from the former daughter of Sonny and Cher, but now I do:  Chaz Bono (pictured here with girlfriend Jennifer Elia) seems to be one of the most well-adjusted, affable, funny, and intelligent blokes you might ever have the pleasure of meeting.

 

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THE END OF

 

THE WORLD 

 

 

The world ends today, so don’t feel obligated to read this post.  Have a beer, instead — if you have time.

I had a feeling something like this was going to happen because the other night I watched an obscure 1960s movie called Twisted Nerve, and in it Hayley Mills sees a man’s penis in the woods.  The moment I saw that scene, I knew the world must be ending.  I mean … Pollyanna?

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

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