The Grouchy Editor

Could we please celebrate our national achievements just once?  When the retired space shuttle Enterprise was piggy-backed to Manhattan last week, there was breathless news coverage of the event.  Just as there was breathless news coverage of the final space-shuttle mission last July.

This week, we celebrated the placement of a steel beam atop One World Trade Center, officially making it New York’s tallest building.  We will celebrate, again, when the building is completed in a year or so.

I am thinking that this year I will celebrate my birthday not once, but twice:  once on the actual day of my birth, and once on the day that I was conceived.  Please alert the media.

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There is an upside to being an unpaid film critic, as opposed to the poor schmucks who review movies for professional media.  As an unpaid critic, I am under absolutely no obligation to see the latest entry in Hollywood’s endless string of mindless, childish teenybopper movies, in this case The Avengers.  Yes, it’s getting good reviews, and yes, it will strike gold at the box office.  I’ll even admit that it might be an entertaining flick.  But at this point, all I need to hear are the words “superhero” or “comic book” and I run screaming for the exit.

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My phone stopped working.  So I did what anyone would do, I contacted Fermin in India.

Fermin:  Hello sir.  Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support.  My name is Fermin.  Please give me one moment to review your information.

Grouch:  I think I need to just drop this voicemail feature on my computer, because 1)  I never use it, and 2)  I am now unable to use my telephone, and I am missing phone calls.  How on earth do I just get rid of it?

Fermin:  I will be more than glad to do the best I can to assist you today.  I hope your day is doing just fine.

Grouch:  Well, I can no longer use my telephone, and I suspect it’s because of this voicemail feature I have on my computer, which I never use.

Fermin:  I understand your concern, sir.

Fermin:  To make sure that I’m working with the correct phone, kindly verify the affected Comcast phone number and also your best contact number so we can call you if necessary.

Grouch:  You can’t call me.  My phone does not seem to be working.

Fermin:  I understand your concern.

Fermin:  Please in chat.

Fermin:  Please stat in chat.

Fermin:  Thank you so much.

Grouch:  I just want my phone to work again.

Fermin:  No problem.  Kindly connect the base unit of your phone directly to the modem at tel line 1 and 2 ports to verify which port is working.

Grouch:  The telephone is in another room, it’s not near the computer.

Fermin:  At this point, I humbly ask your patience and cooperation to follow my instructions so that we can resolve this phone issue now.  Please plug your phone directly to the modem.

Grouch:  But the telephone is not in the same room as the computer.

Fermin:  I understand you.  Please make sure to connect the wire or cable to the line 1 port at the back of the modem so that the wall outlet in your room will surely work.

Grouch:  The only way I can get a dial tone is by bringing the entire phone apparatus into this room and plugging it into the computer.  I don’t want the phone in this room.  I think perhaps you had better schedule a technician.

Fermin:  Yes.  I can see that there is an issue with your inside wiring.  The appointment schedule will be on 5/5/2012 between 2 pm and 4 pm.  Please keep this ticket as your reference.

Grouch:  You have to stop typing so I can write the number down.  This screen keeps scrolling by itself.

Fermin:  I’m glad I was able to help you.  Do you have any other questions or concerns I can help you with today? I just wanna make sure all your concerns will be taken cared of today.

Grouch:  They were not taken care of.  I will have to wait until Saturday and probably pay 49.95 to fix the problem.

Fermin:  I understand your concern.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

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A St. Louis judge awarded more than seven million dollars to Tamara Favazza because her boobs wound up in a Girls Gone Wild video. Favazza does have nice boobs, but I don’t think they are worth a penny more than $500,000.

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We are trying to decide if The Grouchy Editor needs a new banner picture.  Problem is, there are just way too many pictures of that handsome devil, Grouchy, from which to choose.

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Quote of the Week 1:

“You can’t even believe what comes out of this guy’s mouth sometimes.” — MSNBC’s Krystal Ball, ranting about Mitt Romney.  I’m not sure that Krystal is the best person to be talking about things coming out of people’s mouths.  Remember these pictures, Krystal?

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Quote of the Week 2:

“I think his picture may appear next to the word ‘narcissism’ in the dictionary.” — HLN’s A.J. Hammer, chiding Simon Cowell.  Yup, I’d guess it appears right next to this picture of A.J. Hammer.

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We interrupt these pictures of pretty people to bring you a picture of the blobfish:

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In Stephen King’s Duma Key, the hero likes to watch Robin Meade on HLN.  In real life, Stephen King says he likes to watch Robin Meade on HLN.  Can’t say that I blame him.

Seems like every time I turn on the TV, cable news channels are introducing some new, pretty-but-fluffy anchor.  Meade is certainly pretty, and she doesn’t strike me as the brightest bulb on the tree, but geez … she’s so darned likable.  Wouldn’t you want her on your bowling team?

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NBC finally has a show I kinda like:  Off Their Rockers.  I could do with a bit less Betty White, because her segments are scripted and Betty’s “naughty grandma” act has worn a bit thin.  But the actual pranks, most of the time,  are a hoot.

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Brazil Nuts

It was a busy week in South America.  We learned that a trio of Brazilians had indulged in cannibalism, cooking their victims and turning them into pastries.  Meanwhile, in nearby Colombia, President Obama’s Secret Service agents were also enjoying a piece of ass.

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Pity the poor Republicans.  They must sit back and watch in envy as Dems rake in all the love from movie stars, rock stars — most of the celebrity “cool kids.”  But when the GOP finally does land a celebrity fan, it’s this guy:

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— That’s Scarlett Johansson whining to Vogue about the hacked nudes of the actress that went viral last year.  Gee, Scarlett, those people had probably already seen your “…” on the cover of Vanity Fair, or in the scene below from your 2004 movie,  A Love Song for Bobby Long.  Terrible, isn’t it?

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Yes, yes, Mr. Meteorologist, we heard you the first time when you told us that it’s a myth that twisters never strike urban areas.  But what I’d like to know is this:  Why don’t tornadoes ever hit skyscrapers, and what would happen if they did?

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The most depressing aspect of this Dick Clark Is Dead hoopla?  My nagging hunch that someday we will have to go through the entire process again when Ryan Seacrest kicks the bucket.

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Pretty Boys, Pansies, and Penises

Hollywood scuttlebutt says Johnny Depp has been tapped to play Nick Charles in a remake of the classic screwball mystery, The Thin Man.  This seems wrong on so many levels.

I like Johnny Depp.  I think he’s a fine actor.  But casting him as ladies man Nick Charles is like casting Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Danny DeVito’s twin brother.  Hold on.  That’s a bad example.

William Powell (above, with Myrna Loy) was the definitive Charles in the 1930s-’40s detective series.  Powell was a fast-talking smoothie who looked just right with a Scotch in one hand and wife Nora in the other.  He was a suave “man’s man” who mixed well with both high society and his ex-con buddies.

Depp is … soft.  He is many things, including attractive to women, but macho he ain’t.  Look at the pictures below.  Does Depp look more likely to steal your wife — or your boyfriend?  Uh-huh.

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CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (above) lost it last weekend when a woman named Laura Saunders introduced Fredricka to a chicken.

Saunders:  “And that’s my rooster — little pecker.”

Whitfield:  “Funny, foul language always welcome!”

The rooster reminded me of Johnny Depp.

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Speaking of little peckers, we were treated this week to the following exchange between two adults in the room, Gloria Allred and Donald Trump:

Gloria:  “[A transgendered beauty contestant] didn’t ask Mr. Trump to prove he’s a naturally born man, or see photos of his birth, or to view his anatomy.”

Donald:  “I think Gloria would be very, very impressed with me.”

Gloria:   “I don’t have a magnifying glass strong enough to see something that small.  The world does not revolve around his penis.”

Allred is one of America’s pre-eminent lawyers, and Trump would like to be president.  Feel better about the future of our country?

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James Van Der Beek is back, starring on some ABC sitcom.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a fan of his old show, Dawson’s Creek.  Or maybe I am, since this clip from Dawson has popped up everywhere on the Internet.

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We are told that Ann Romney can relate to middle-class women because she raised five boys.  With professional house-cleaning help.  And with millions of dollars for things like health-care emergencies.  Or any other emergencies.

Hang tough, Hilary Rosen, because you were right.

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Hey, we enjoy a good May-December romance as much as the next guy, but this news that 56-year-old Bill Maher is dating 14-year-old Rebecca Black is a bit much, even for us.  *

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What’s with all of these retired jocks hawking meds for penis problems?  Jimmy Johnson and his penis-enlargement ads finally stopped airing, just in time for Joe Theismann to show up and inform us that his prostate forced him to stay near bathrooms, “just in case I had that sudden urge to go.”  I suppose it’s only a matter of time before we see Brett Favre in … oh, never mind.

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Pictured above is apparently Britain’s most beautiful woman, Samantha Brick.  Standing guard is Samantha’s husband, a man who is armed and prickly because, you know, it’s difficult fending off so many wolves.

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“Oh, please put security cameras on every street.” — HLN anchor Jane Velez-Mitchell (above) while doing a story about a missing child.  A camera on every street?   Great idea, Jane.  Lots of bad things happen on the street.  Lots of bad things happen in bedrooms, too.  Shall we put security cameras in every bedroom — starting with yours?

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To Kill a Mockingbird is back in the news as we celebrate the film version’s anniversary.  Whenever I begin to feel old — like in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings — I remind myself that somewhere in the South, Harper Lee is still alive and kicking.  How cool is that?

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Wolf Blitzer reminded viewers on Tuesday of the type of terrorist that law enforcement most fears:  the dreaded “lone wolf.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly trust bearded men with ominous German-sounding names, and who scowl and lurk in the background at public events.

*  Just in case we hear from Bill Maher’s lawyers … we’d like to point out that this is the April Fools’ Day edition of The Grouchy Editor.

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Now that the U.S. Supreme Court has declared that corporations are people and money is speech, I think it’s pretty obvious what needs to be done this November.  We need to elect an ATM as our next president.  Think about it:  ATMs are as American as apple pie and, just like the country they serve, they are often out of cash.

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The reviews are in for Mirror Mirror, and many of them stress that the Julia Roberts movie is ideal “for kids of any age.”  Whenever I read that claim, I interpret it as code for:  “This is a kiddie movie; adults should run for the hills.”

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This new ad from the Republicans, in which Obama is compared to 007 himself, James Bond … I can see it backfiring on the GOP.  Wouldn’t we all prefer to have Mr. License to Kill in charge, rather than some guy who needs help keeping his balance on a chair?

Then again, a car elevator does seem like a gadget that Bond would endorse.

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Starbucks is feeding ground-up insects to customers.  I never go to Starbucks, so this doesn’t bug me.

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The honchos at Starz have noticed the success that HBO and Showtime are having with original programming.  Starz would like to have its own hit shows, so Starz introduced Magic City, a new series about the Miami crime scene, circa 1959.  In case you missed the premiere, I watched it for you.  This picture pretty much sums up what you missed:

If you are nice, I’ll summarize future episodes of the show, as well.  It’s a tough job, but somebody ….

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Jennifer Lawrence made the talk-show rounds this week, promoting The Hunger Games.  She was on Letterman and Fallon and … I like this chick.  She isn’t “starlet charming” or “sexpot charming,” just salt-of-the-earth, self-deprecating charming.  We’ll see if it lasts.

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Best Hollywood News This Week:

No, it’s not the premiere of The Hunger Games.  It’s the announcement by Disney that it expects to lose $200 million on the epic bomb, John Carter.  Could this mean that Hollywood will finally stop churning out special-effects-laden, comic-book/superhero crap aimed at teenagers?  I’m not going to hold my breath.

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Ten Free TV Shows I Go Out of My Way to Watch:

1. Pawn Stars (above) — addictive and as American as apple pie
2. Downton Abbey — soap opera, sure, but very sumptuous soap opera
3. The Rachel Maddow Show — for one side of the story
4. The O’Reilly Factor — for the other side of the story
5. Survivor — still the best reality TV
6. Mystery on PBS — nobody does this kind of thing better than the British
7. Louie — original, real, and frequently funny
8. The Killing (below) — news reports indicate that the producers intend to make fans wait yet another season to resolve the show’s mystery.  I might not wait that long.
9. TCM — OK, so this isn’t technically a “show,” but sometimes you just can’t beat an old movie.
10. Apparently there are only nine shows that I go out of my way to watch.

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Quote of the Week:  “I didn’t know what she was going to do, and then the bear bit me in my butt.” — Florida resident Terri Gurley, who encountered a 300-pound black bear at her apartment complex.

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President Obama is a fan of the Showtime series Homeland.  It is a good show.  However …

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My thoughts about the above picture — when I’m in a good mood:

If ever a guy was entitled to a little fun, it’s the hardworking president of the United States, who took British Prime Minister David Cameron aboard Air Force One and flew to Ohio for a college basketball game.  How cool was that?

My thoughts about the above picture — when I’m in a bad mood:

What an incredible display of bad taste.  In the midst of high unemployment and rising gas prices, Obama makes a conspicuous show of energy consumption so that he and Cameron can enjoy a “boys’ night out,” a “one-percenter” luxury courtesy of beleaguered taxpayers.

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I took a cab the other day and the cabbie and I admired his GPS device.  I don’t have a GPS device, and that’s fine by me.  Some of my best stories come from times I got hopelessly lost.  I’d hate to see that come to an end.  Then again, I don’t drive a taxi.

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You know that your days are numbered in the school cafeteria when you are commonly referred to as “pink slime.”

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Terry Bradshaw tells us that before he and Nutrisystem found each other, “I was tired of looking old, fat and ugly.”  Dude, you might not look fat anymore, but ….

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I can’t recall a time when the top ten movies at the box office were all deemed “rotten” at Rotten Tomatoes.

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I keep hearing about “gaffes” made by Republican candidates.  But are they really gaffes?  Here are examples of gaffes, according to my dictionary:

A gaffe is unintentional, not a deliberate statement that backfires on you.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I am of two minds whenever Rick Santorum’s daughter, Elizabeth, stands beside the candidate on a stage.  Part of me thinks, “Awww — how sweet.  She looks like a nice girl, and she’s supporting her father.”  The other part of me thinks, “My eyes! My eyes! God, someone hand me the remote before I go blind!”

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Now that Dennis Kucinich’s congressional career is over, the 65-year-old Democrat will have more time to spend with his granddaughter, 34-year-old Elizabeth.  They’ll be able to share olive sandwiches while grandpa helps Elizabeth with her homework.

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Entertainment Weekly dedicates this week’s cover to design director Amid Capeci, who recently died after a battle with cancer.  The cover depicts Mad Men’s Don Draper — smoking a cigarette. 

No comment.

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There are three good reasons to watch Saturday Night Live:  Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader (above), and the “Weekend Update.”  Everything else suffers from lousy writing and a subpar cast.

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Remember the ad that Hillary Clinton used during her presidential campaign — “It’s 3 a.m. … who do you want answering the phone?”  This is Newt Gingrich dozing off last week during a speech by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta.  Evidently, it might be a bad idea to call Newt at 3 a.m., or 3 p.m., or 10 a.m., or 10 p.m., or ….

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This is why the cameramen for CBS’ Survivor love their jobs:

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I was watching Wheel of Fortune and I decided that we’ll be lucky if aliens from another world never see this show.  If I was Mork from Ork and sat down to watch this crap, I would conclude that Earthlings are certifiably insane.

Wheel has a host who makes idiotic chit-chat with strangers and repeats things like “R, S, T, L, N, E” and “Would you like to buy a vowel?”  Then there is his co-host, who smiles vapidly and turns letters on a board.  Both of them, compared to their fellow Earthlings, are fabulously wealthy.  Meanwhile, ordinary Earthlings who are lucky enough to be on the show fawn over their hosts and jump up and down, squealing like castrated hogs whenever their names are called.

If you were Mork from Ork, would you want to make contact with these Earthlings?  I don’t believe so.  I believe you’d consider blowing up the planet.

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Oscar Musings

Emcee Billy Crystal:  hokey, corny, boring

Angelina Jolie’s Leg:  more weird than sexy

Biggest Oscar Crime:  snubbing the final Harry Potter film (and the entire series, actually)

Saddest Attention Grabs:  a tie between Sacha Baron Cohen’s lame “accident” with Ryan Seacrest, and poor, pathetic Sean Young’s post-ceremony arrest

OK, so no one will see The Artist, and television ratings plummet when films like it win Best Picture.  I still think that’s better than awarding the top Oscar to populist junk like Titanic.

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I don’t say this often, but I couldn’t agree more with two of the panelists on Fox’s The Five.  Bob Beckel and Greg Gutfeld on Monday went after the idiots in Rocklin, California, who are considering a ban on smoking in citizens’ … own yards!  Beckel and Gutfeld also belittled the “studies” we see regarding the alleged dangers of second-hand smoke, labeling them a sham.  It’s this kind of enlightened commentary that keeps me tuned to Fox — at least occasionally.

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Sometimes it’s hard to pick sides.  I don’t much care for Sandra Fluke, the law student who comes off as an entitled whiner seeking government freebies.  I don’t much care for Rush Limbaugh who is, as we all know, a big fat idiot.  And I suspect that President Obama’s phone call to Fluke was a political ploy designed to appeal to female voters.

Everyone just needs to stop having sex, and then this issue will go away.

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Cable News Irony of the Week:

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow explained, for Limbaugh’s benefit, how birth control works.  Wait … Rachel Maddow knows about birth control?

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Asshole of the Week:  Judge Mark Martin

Pennsylvania Judge Mark Martin has no interest in the Constitution or free speech.

Martin, displaying an appalling lack of knowledge about his own country and its laws, dismissed an assault case against an Islamic idiot who attacked a man dressed up as “Muhammad zombie” for a Halloween parade.  “I think our forefathers intended to use the First Amendment so we can speak with our mind, not to piss off other people and cultures — which is what you did,” Martin told the man who was attacked.

So, according to this judicial font of wisdom, the next time you “piss off” someone with your words, he or she will be fully justified in assaulting you.

Martin has pissed off me and many others, so I assume we can now assault him with impunity — as long as the resulting case winds up in this fool’s own court.

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Some wiseass couldn’t resist commenting when news broke about the death of Monkee Davy Jones:

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